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Conquering Birthmother Fear, by Carolyn Berger, LCSW

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Conquering Birthmother Fear, by Carolyn Berger, LCSW

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Students will read the first half of this article as a close read. They will make use of annotations to track their reactions to the text and questions they might have. Students will discuss their thoughts in small groups. How does this article challenge assumptions students might have had about members of the adoption triad and their relationships?

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New adoptive parents love nothing more than telling their adoption stories," and people considering adopting never get tired of listening to them. These stories generally begin with a description of the adoptive parents' difficulties conceiving a child and end with the day they meet their baby. When the story is about a domestic adoption, one of the first questions people ask is, "Weren't you worried that the birthmother* would change her mind?"

"Birthmother fear" is so entrenched in our culture that many pre-adoptive parents immediately opt for international adoption, which places the birthmother far away and therefore less likely to show up on their doorstep. These fears are fueled by tabloid stories such as those in 2007 when Allison Quets of the U.S. fled to Canada with her biological twins after she had placed them with an adoptive couple in North Carolina.

"Fugitive Mother Vows to Fight" blared the Ottawa Citizen paper. The fact is, scenarios like this rarely happen.

What does happen, though, is a pregnant woman changes her mind sometime during the process of planning to place her child. The reasons range from choosing to abort, to marrying the birthfather, to getting the
needed support from family members to raise the child. Some choose over time, others choose suddenly just before or after the birth of the baby. A very small number have a change of heart after the baby has gone home with the adoptive parents. But experts say that less than one percent of adoptions are reversed after the relinquishment of parental rights.

One of the best ways to overcome birthmother fear is to understand it by stepping into a potential birthmother's shoes for a moment. According to the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute's 2006 study, "Safeguarding the Rights and Well-Being of Birthparents in the Adoption Process," voluntarily placing a child for adoption is exceedingly difficult for the vast majority of women. For most, it is a step that causes deep pain that reverberates throughout the course of their lives even when they make the choice in a selfdetermined manner. Yet, according to the study, approximately 14,000 pregnant women are able to follow through on their adoption plans each year.

When a pregnant woman begins to consider placing her child, she is invariably coping with a sense of impending loss. And pre-adoptive parents are often in the midst of grieving over the loss of the biological
children they could not have. Pre-adoptive parents can begin to view a potential birthmother as someone with the power to take their pain away and replace it with joy. The pregnant woman can, and often does, become feared because of her ability to "withhold" the baby and create a new loss for the preadoptive parents.

With emotions running high, a potential birthmother and pre-adoptive parents can become adversaries in the course of planning an adoption. Dawn Smith-Pliner, Executive Director of Friends in Adoption, an agency in Vermont, encourages all the adults to put their needs aside long enough to recognize their common goal: "They all want to make a plan that will enable the baby to grow into a healthy child and a healthy adult."
Many adoption professionals believe that open adoption, where connections among birthparents, adoptive parents and the adopted child are maintained, is in the best interest of the child.

Creating and fostering an open adoption takes hard work on the part of the birthparents and adoptive parents. For this reason, Smith-Pliner encourages birthparents coming to her agency to get counseling to help with decision making and provide support. Lately, she has noticed a new trend. Adoptive parents, too, are seeking counseling, which can give them the opportunity to discuss their fears about adopting and begin to manage them before stepping into what can be an emotionally turbulent process.

Ronnie, 45, the adoptive parent of 6-month- old Zach, describes the fears she had two years ago when she and her husband, Ben, also 45, decided to adopt. She was exhausted from infertility treatments when she approached adoption and angry that she could not conceive a child. She found the whole concept of adoption anxiety provoking, and worried about all the things that could go wrong.

Today, Ronnie is able to smile at her fears, saying that she has taken a 360 degree turnaround in her attitude toward birthmothers. The night Zach was born Ronnie and Ben drove up to the hospital amidst a giant snowstorm that left them stranded there. Since the hospital was filled to capacity, they wound up having to share a room with baby Zach and his birthmother, Jen. Needless to say, everyone got to know one another very well, and Ronnie's fears about Jen and her own life as an adoptive parent dissolved.

While Ronnie, Ben and Jen made up a formal agreement about how and when they would be in contact, they trust one another to use it flexibly. If Jen develops a medical condition that could be passed down to the baby, she will alert Ronnie and Ben. Zach will grow up having a relationship with his birthmother as well as her family. He will also know his adoption story and can turn to his birthmother and adoptive parents for more information as he grows.

Once adoptive parents talk to a potential birthmother, "birthmother fear" often evaporates and is replaced with gratitude and a sense of awe that a near stranger is entrusting her child to them. Conversations with potential birthmothers, although initially approached with trepidation, become the avenue by which adoptive parents who are good listeners can learn a lot about the child they soon hope to adopt. And a genuinely good relationship between birthparents and adoptive parents can help the adopted child celebrate the positive characteristics of both his birth- and adoptive families.

The first thing you notice when looking through the literature on birthfathers is how little there actually is. When we think about the "adoption triangle," those people who play pivotal roles in an adoption,
we are generally talking about the child, birthmother, and adoptive parents.

Often, our thoughts about the birthfather in an adoption that is taking shape are colored with fear. Will he come along at the last minute and say that he wants to parent the child? Or will he enter the picture even later than that when the child has gone home with his adoptive parents?

The New York Case of Robert O. v. Russell K. had people involved with adoption riveted in 1992. An unwed couple in New York broke up without the birthfather knowing about his girlfriend's pregnancy. The
birthmother did not name the birthfather and relinquished the child for adoption. Ten months after the court had ordered the adoption, the birthmother told the birthfather about the child, and the birthfather
tried to get the adoption "vacated." The court denied the motion, saying that the constitutional right to form a qualifying relationship existed only for unwed fathers who showed their willingness to be custodial parents
promptly. Because this birthfather did not know about his son either before or right after his birth, he lost the case and the adoption that had already gone through remained valid.

Many saw this case as a victory with regard to birthfathers who showed up unexpectedly to prevent an adoption but, of course, this was hardly a victory for birthfathers who had been left in the dark.

Dawn Smith-Pliner, Founder and Director of Friends in Adoption, an adoption agency based in Vermont, tells a different kind of story, one where the birthfather is not considered an adversary-rather, he is part of an adoption plan. In this case the birthfather, Shane, also got involved at the last minute, declaring that his child would be placed for adoption "over {his} dead body." The agency sprang into action and arranged counseling for both the birthmother and birthfather. The birthmother agreed to "babysit" her baby boy until things got resolved.

Eventually, Shane came to believe that adoption was in his son's best interest. But he realized he needed to know that he would have a relationship with him, too. Shane had grown up fishing, and he needed to know he could share this experience with his birthson one day. He and the birthmother got to know the adoptive parents and they created an open adoption which is thriving. The birthmother and Shane have since gotten
married to other people and they, along with the adoptive parents and their son, now 12, attend the adoption agency's picnic every year. And chances are good that one day, father and birthson will go fishing together.

Birthfathers are an essential part of our adoptive children's identities. No one knows that better than Paul Schibbelhute, a well-known birthfather and Vice President and New England Regional Director of the American Adoption Congress, an organization committed to adoption reform. He is a mechanical engineer living in New Hampshire, but his passion is for getting legislation passed that allows adult adoptees' access to their original birth certificates. (As of this writing, there are seven states that allow this: Alabama, Alaska,
Maine, Oregon, New Hampshire, Rhode Island and Tennessee.)

Schibbelhute was in college when he learned that his girlfriend was 5 months pregnant back in 1977. Her family took charge of having his son adopted. "The last person they wanted to deal with was the birthfather,"
says Schibbelhute.

Today, after much searching Schibbelhute has a relationship with his birthson, Josh, and the birthmom. Schibbelhute has been able to talk with his birthson about the circumstances around his birth and adoption.

It is Schibbelhute's belief that you cannot deny a person the right to know about his beginnings. He acknowledges that not all birthfathers are responsible-but many are.

Birthfathers and Their Adoption Experiences, a book by Gary Clapton (2002) takes us into the heart and soul of the birthfather experience. It is based on a long-term study of 30 birthfathers living in the UK. Clapton, a
birthfather himself, conducted in-depth interviews of thirty birthfathers before, during and after the adoption of their children. Some of these men were directly involved with the adoptions and some were deliberately
left out of them.

All of them expressed feelings of loss. One said, "There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him {the child}. I feel as if there is something inside me that has been ripped out and I feel empty and nothing is
going to fill that." Another said that the initial void closed up but, like many of the men, he talked about the "regular presence" of the child in his thoughts in the ensuing years.

This sounds surprisingly like comments birthmothers have made. And, in fact, the resonance with experiences of birthmothers was the central finding of Clapton's study. He points out that this has implications for policy and practice in adoption.

Clearly, it's time we reconfigure the adoption triangle to include birthfathers whenever possible. Our adopted children can benefit from knowing about the "other half" of their genetic heritage and, perhaps not all but many, birthfathers need to play a role in their adoptions.
*A pregnant woman can only be called a "birthmother" after she has placed her child.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Carolyn Berger, LCSW, is a Founder, Board Member and Chair of the Adoption Advisory Council of Path2Parenthood. She has a private practice devoted to Fertility, All Family Building Options and Adoption in Manhattan and Larchmont, NY.
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New adoptive parents love nothing more than telling their adoption stories," and people considering adopting never get tired of listening to them. These stories generally begin with a description of the adoptive parents' difficulties conceiving a child and end with the day they meet their baby.

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The Tummy Mummy, by Michelle Madrid-Branch

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The Tummy Mummy, by Michelle Madrid-Branch

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Students select one of the following picturebooks to read:

-The Tummy Mummy, by Michelle Madrid-Branch
-Motherbridge of Love, by Xinran
-Megan's Birthday Tree: A Story About Open Adoption, by Laurie Lears

After reading, students will create a visual representation of how the book portrayed the essence of adoption.  Students will write a short paragraph explaining their decisions.

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The Tummy Mummy has been named a, "Top 25 Adoption Books for Children," by Adoption Mama Blog. This beautifully illustrated and compassionately written book honors the adoption triad in a respectful and loving way. It's a wonderful tool for supporting adoption dialogue!A Note ...

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A Place in My Heart, by Mary Grossnickle

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A Place in My Heart, by Mary Grossnickle

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Students will read the following two picturebooks:

-A Place in My Heart, by Mary Grossnickle
-The Mulberry Bird, by Anne Braff Brodzinsky

Students will discuss the following: How do these books portray the difficult decisions and emotions that go along with adoption? Why might the authors have chosen to use animals to explore these ideas?

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family & relationships / adoption & fostering

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personal & social issues: family issues (children's / teenage)

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Who are my birthparents? Is it okay to think about them? Can I care about all of my parents at once?A Place in My Heart tells the simple story of Charlie, a chipmunk adopted by a family of squirrels, who starts to wonder about his birthparents.

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The Mulberry Bird, by Anne Braff Brodzinsky

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The Mulberry Bird, by Anne Braff Brodzinsky

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(See A Place in My Heart tile)

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children's / teenage fiction: family & home stories (children's / teenage)

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children's / teenage fiction: general fiction

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children's / teenage personal & social issues: family issues

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children's / teenage personal & social issues:  family issues

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personal & social issues: family issues (children's / teenage)

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Mother Bird is looking after her baby bird in the forest, when a huge storm scatters her nest. Try as she might, she just can't give him the protection he needs. She faces a choice: continue to struggle on her own, or give her precious baby bird to another family who can care for him in their str...

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The Rare Relationship I Am Fortunate to Have with My Daughter, by M

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The Rare Relationship I Am Fortunate to Have with My Daughter, by M

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After reading this article, students will discuss in small groups of 3-4 their reactions to the open relationship described between this birth-mother, her child, and her child's adoptive parents. What benefits might there be from creating an open relationship like this one? What might be some drawbacks? What fears might they have if they were the birth family? The adoptive family? The adoptee?

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This is the twenty-third post of "30 Adoption Portraits in 30 Days," a series designed to give a voice to people with widely varying experiences, including birthparents, adoptees, adoptive parents, foster parents, waiting adoptive parents and others touched by adoption. This Crazy, Wonderful, Hectic, Loving Open Adoption
Written by M forPortrait of an Adoption
Nine years ago, I chose to place Katie for adoption, during a very complicated crisis in my life that involved my older two children also being placed into foster care. Since then, my older children have returned home, and I have been lucky enough to still be in Katie's life.

Placing Katie was a very hard decision for me to make, but I've never regretted it. My therapist and I were talking the other day, and she told me the relationship I have with Carrie and Katie is rare, and it is a gift. By law, Carrie doesn't have to let me have any contact with Katie. In the state of Missouri, there are no laws for birth parents once they terminate their parental rights. I have been very fortunate to be allowed in Katie's life.

I remember the first few years were very difficult. It was heart wrenching to look at my "baby" and see her reach for another woman when she was tired, hungry, scared or just fussy. It slowly got easier, though, once I began counseling and really started dealing with my decision to place her. Even when my heart hurt, I knew in my head that it was the best decision for everyone involved.

Over the years, I have seen Katie grow into an intelligent, caring, sensitive, funny, amazing person, and though I take some credit for her awesomeness, most of the credit goes to the amazing people that are raising her. In addition to a stable family life, Katie has so many opportunities that I would never have been able to give her. She went swimming with the dolphins when she was 5!

Our annual visits get easier for me every year, and I think that ease comes from knowing my place with Katie and her knowing that I love her as much as I love E and D. When I saw Katie this past summer, she had changed so much. She had cut her hair shorter; she was wearing braces and she was almost as tall as Carrie.

Small gradual changes to Carrie, I'm sure, but to me, she looked so much older! She looked like a kid, or a tween, rather than the infant I remembered her to be. I just wanted to stare at her the entire time we got to visit. I always just want to stare at Katie. She's so beautiful, and I just can't get enough of her.

Placing her for adoption has given me and my kids more opportunities as well. I am going to start working with one of the local adoption agencies in my area as a consultant for prospective birth mothers. My daughter, E, is 16 now, and she talks to her friends about abstinence, and for those that do not chose abstinence, she talks with them about adoption.

So many people still consider adoption as a taboo subject, even in the 21st century, and I'm amazed how maturely and respectfully my 16-year-old can talk about adoption.

My son, D, is very proud of his "little sister" and misses her a lot. He really enjoys the role of big brother when it comes to Katie and loves knowing that she, in some way, idolizes him. He has told me many times that when Katie is old enough to have a boyfriend, he wants to meet him and make sure he is good enough for Katie.

I know an open adoption is not for everyone, but it works perfectly for my family. I would go absolutely insane if I didn't know where Katie was or how she was doing. Even though she is Carrie's child, Katie will always be a part of me as well. If she were to ever need anything, I would be there for her, just as I am for E and D, and I know in my heart that Carrie would allow me to help if needed.

As Katie gets older, I look forward to being more involved, but only if that's what Katie wants. I cherish our annual visits, and once she gets older, I hope she continues to visit me, even if she is in college, or married. I hope to be there when she reaches all of her milestones.

I hope to be there if she starts a family of her own, and I wouldn't be able to do any of this without Carrie and Andrew supporting me and this crazy, wonderful, hectic, loving open adoption we have, and for that, I will be forever grateful to them.
Portrait of an Adoption is hosted by Carrie Goldman, author of Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear. If you have a story you would like to submit as a candidate for next year's series, please email it to her at portraitofanadoption@gmail.com.
Find the Portrait of an Adoption community on Facebook. Follow Carrie Goldman on Twitter.

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The Rare Relationship I Am Fortunate To Have With My Daughter

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This is the twenty-third post of "30 Adoption Portraits in 30 Days," a series designed to give a voice to people with widely varying experiences, including birthparents, adoptees, adoptive parents, foster parents, waiting adoptive parents and others touched by adoption.

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Megan's Birthday Tree: A Story About Open Adoption, by Laurie Lears

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Megan's Birthday Tree: A Story About Open Adoption, by Laurie Lears

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(See The Tummy Mummy tile.)

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megan's birthday tree: a story about open adoption

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Megan's Birthday Tree: A Story about Open Adoption

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Megan is adopted, but she and her parents keep in touch with her birth mother, Kendra. Every year, Kendra decorates the tree she planted when Megan was born. Megan cherishes this Birthday Tree, for it ties her and Kendra together.

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(See The Tummy Mummy tile.)

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This rhyming story celebrates the bond between parent and child in a special way. Through the exchanges between a little Chinese girl and her adoptive parent, this title offers a poignant and inspiring message to adoptive parents and children all over the world.