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Schutz, Samantha. I Don't Want to Be Crazy. PUSH, an Imprint of Scholastic Inc., 2019.

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Samantha moves out of her parents house and goes to college where she believes her new life will begin. Making new friends, enjoying freedom, and living without her parents.

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Samantha has her first panic attack during her college class, she doesn't know it is a panic attack and so she goes to the bathroom and describes it like, "...I feel like I can't breathe. It feels like I have a raging fever, like my insides are melting. This must be what it feels like the moment before you die." (37)

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After many panic attacks and growing suspicions of it not actually being a normal thing that happens to people, Samantha goes to see a therapist for the first time.  "I don't tell her everything. A lot of it is embarrassing and she is a stranger, but I tell enough to feel lighter." (48)

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Samantha starts taking anxiety medication, to help with her anxiety attacks. "I take one in the morning and one at night...makes the panic a voice in the distance, loud enough to hear but quiet enough to ignore." (53)

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Samantha goes home for Thanksgiving to see her family and friends, "Being back home is wonderful and awful. I'm glad to see my friends, glad to not have to do work, but being back in this house, being treated like a child and given a curfew after I've been on my own is unbearable." (56)

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Samantha goes on a road trip with her friends to celebrate the end of the year. However, she has to go back to her parents house after it. (80)

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Samantha continues to have really bad panic attacks and feels like no one understands except, "Ann and I sit outside for a while . She knows what it's like and tries to calm me down." (105)

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Samantha feels crowed with her parents because they still treat her like a child when shes living with them for a couple weeks. Her parents freaked out when she stayed out late, "My parents are constantly on top of me. They want to know where I am going, and when I'll be back." (113)

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Samantha is back at her parents house for winter break. After a really bad episode, Samantha doesn't feel good and she faints, "I wake up on the floor by the front door...The fire trucks come first, then the ambulance...They have to take me on a stretcher." (115)

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Samantha goes off of her anxiety medication. She is very nervous to see how it goes since she really dreads anxiety attacks. (122)

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Samantha moves in with her friend Claire since she promised she wouldn't move back to her parents. Samantha gets a summer job to save up for a trip to Paris in the next year. (125)

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Ever since her freshman year of college, Samantha has struggled with her mental health. She sits on top of a roof and contemplates jumping. "I don't want to jump but I feel like my body will betray me and I will swing my legs over the balcony railing and push myself onto First Avenue." (130)

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Samantha and her friend Rebecca are going to Paris for a couple months. "l feel like Paris is going to mark the start of a new chapter for me. My anxiety has been at bay for months and I finally feel far enough away from it to gain perspective on everything that happened to me and everything I've done." (143)

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Samantha goes back to the States after bad experiences in Europe. "I am back at my parents for a week before I move to school...Life was so frenetic in Paris.." (201)

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Rebecca, Ann, Jennifer, and Samantha have all moved into one apartment together. "...Living in an off-campus apartment...and have our own bedroom and bathroom." (213)

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Samantha is a senior and finally graduates after years of college. "There is hugging and picture, and introducing my parents to friends and teachers. And that's it. It is over." (234)

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Samantha, recently graduated, is back at her parents house because she has no where else to go and now she has to look for a job. "After a few weeks, I get a job at a publishing house. The pay is terrible but at least it's a career." (238)

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Samantha, even though she is not in school anymore, still has really bad panic attacks. She doesn't see anything worth living for. She has a bad episode when going on the train to the city to go to a party. She instantly regrets it and heads home. (246)

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Samantha is finally changing her life, she starts by getting herself out of this horrible state of mind she is in. "I have moved out the incredibly sad place I've been in for months. It still creeps up on me but for the most part it's gone." (275)

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Samantha has been doing really good and is now celebrating her 22nd birthday. "I feel better and I wonder if it's because of the new meds or because of the new therapist. Or maybe just another remission. But I don't really care why. All I care about is that things are better." (276)

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Samantha is getting better, setting New years resolutions and even taking yoga classes. (279)