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This week I focused on a lens of love. Too often I feel as if I criticize more than I celebrate, but I decided to challenge that. Dancing through the lens of an 18 year old cisgendered bisexual girl, or any lens honestly, it is easy to give into society's pressure to be perfect, or whatever that means. Instead, I decided to dance as I am. This week's rendition of the self solos in our lab class assisted me with this. I tried to convey how I was feeling, all of the stress, anger, anxiety, push and pull, while also acknowledging the love around me. It was difficult. But I remained resilient and accepting throughout the week. Of course, there were times where I wished to give up and just sleep, but I am more than proud of myself for pushing through (not that there is anything wrong with a mental health day ;) ) Overall, through my dancing this week, I worked hard on dancing as I was on that particular day, instead of becoming upset with myself for not fitting into the society's perception of a motivated dancer. Hey! I just called myself a dancer! Nice.
The experience of watching Reset: New Dances helped me approach dancing with love. A love of moving, performing, and having fun. It encouraged me to dance, it made me want to get up and dance with them. It also let me watch through the lens of an audience member. Sitting and watching others dance is just as enjoyable as dancing, for me at least. Live performances always bring me so much joy. Seeing the joy in the dancer's eyes as they danced was something I will not forget. Their proud faces as we applauded them, and rightfully so. A face that said, "yeah I did that, and I loved it." It inspires me to work harder.
I often strive to inspire others through my performances. True, my performances normally consist of less dancing and more singing and acting, but the intention is the same. Looking through the lens of a performer is where I feel most comfortable. In ballet, we practiced this performer's lens as we pretended to perform to an idol in the imaginary audience. I realized at that time how much I adore performing, and watching performances. It solidified the fact that this is what I wish to do for a career. Perform for those who wish to be entertained, inspired, and accepted. I wish to bring this acceptance and love that I have adopted as a lens, and share it with those I perform for. Reset inspired me to share this love of life and love of performance with all those around me!

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I am currently listening to Look for The Good by Jason Mraz, and it inspired me to begin this response. Throughout the past two months, I have grown tremendously, mentally and physically. In my first padlet, I spoke about “dance yourself”, and Natalie asked me what that meant. To me, dance yourself means to truly embody your emotions through dance and to allow yourself to be vulnerable in this space. This phrase inspires me to see the good in my dancing, rather than criticize my dancing.

Throughout my life, I’ve become comfortable in that place of self-deprecation, however, in these past two months I’ve recognized that it has become easier for me to reject those ideas. Through this week’s resiliency exercises and podcasts, I’ve started to accept myself more than I ever thought possible. Its overwhelming. But I am comforted knowing that there are people who are supporting me throughout my learning process. And I support them as well. The community built here has helped to build this sense of resilience and determination.

My entire life, I’ve been called resilient. I grew up fast due to family events, which caused people to praise me for my ability to push through. But it was never on purpose, I wasn’t actively trying to survive, it was just how I coped. Now, I have the mentality to control how I respond and actively be resilient, in my dancing and in life.

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When I was told to move how my body needed, I immediately moved my fingers and regained that movement. Then I stretched my arms and legs. While I was meditating, the breathing technique towards the end made me realize I hadn’t been breathing as much as I should when listening, so it was even more impactful when I was able to connect breath internally to how my body reacts externally. The idea of mind body and soul being connected is something I have focused on before in order to achieve peace of mine, this was no different. The act of recognizing the complex things your body does every day just for you to live, creates an immense sense of gratitude. I felt warm inside as I meditated, partially because its unreasonably hot in Walz, but also because I was able to go inside myself and see things from a new perspective. My chest felt warm, specifically at my hearts center. This was caused by the intense gratitude I felt.  In my dance, I attempted to embody how I felt when breathing and the gratitude I felt for my body.

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Weight can haunt many people. In many ways, weight has been tied to a sense of worth or value as a person. In dance, this can be seen as skinnier people getting roles over heavier people, regardless of talent. The “look” of ballet especially discourages many people from even trying, since society has deemed their body type as undeserving of positive recognition. This week was difficult for me, as I have been coming to terms with this concept more and more over the past few years. Seeing weight as a neutral aspect, rather than placing a negative or positive value on it, was extremely difficult for me. I found myself getting emotional during classes, both because I was struggling and because I was recognizing how far I have come already. Someone who I truly look up to is Lizzo. Often when you see a heavier woman in media, they undergoe some sort of weight loss, or “glow up” (whatever that means). But she embraces it and promotes body neutrality. The idea that your body is the least interesting thing about you, what you do with that body and what is within is much more enjoyable to learn. I’ve learned over time that the “dancer’s body” shouldn’t exist, as many people, my younger self included, get turned off by this idea. Luckily, I’ve decided to try again with this new mindset, but I am still learning and unlearning. Aren’t we all?

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Expression and feelings in dance, to me, means to truly feel the motions and how they make you feel. It’s much easier for my movements to flow when I have a clear vision of what could be happening in my body. Specifically, when we visualized the sunflowers and birds, my mind was clear and focused on portraying this vision to those watching. While it is still a new concept to me, I am starting to get the hang of it. By understanding this, I can further express my emotions and show my vision to the audience. While recording, I tried to keep the imagery I worked on in class. For example, when doing my arm swings, I imagined my arms were alike to the swinging ropes in Brown, and then I used the Sunflowers in Southern Spain image. After that, I imagined my spine was a zipper as I rolled up piece by piece. Then I used my elf ears to help with my balance. While I did this, I imagined I was flicking something off my foot while I did a tendu. First, I focused solely on these images, then I imagined I was doing the same moves, but in a windstorm, then like I was traveling through taffy. I always loved using my imagination to add a new perspective to things, but this helped me realize there’s skills that I haven’t even begun to explore. This has filled me with even more curiosity and hunger for growth.

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Over the past week, I’ve discovered many things about my body. I never sat down and thought about the curves of my spine or the relationship between my hip bones, however now it’s all that I do. I find myself paying attention to my stance and whether I lead with my chest or my head when I walk to class. I was never that big of a dancer. Granted, I dance the choreography given to me for a musical, but it was always something I had to do, instead of something I looked forward to. I’ve found myself looking forward to class and feeling excited to discover a new curve in my body or a new way that my feet turn. All these things that were once second nature to me, walking, running, jumping etc., are now things that I analyze thoroughly.

The readings from these past weeks have helped me understand that my body will never move the way of the dancer in front of me. And that’s okay. My body is unique to me and no one else dances or looks exactly like me. I find pride in that now.

I’m starting to find the beauty in learning. I spent most of my life angry at myself for not picking up moves or harmonies as quick as others. However, there’s a certain joy in not knowing what is going on. I no longer focus on where I messed up, but instead look at the possibilities of improvement. My perspective has shifted from negative to positive. The feeling of wanting to improve and the satisfaction of getting praise is something I crave now. It’s refreshing.

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what kind of socio-historical perspectives will we be exploring?