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Which part of the position paper did you spot error/s?

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Which part of the position paper did you spot error/s?

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1st sentence says that "the problem of old things becoming boring quickly can't really be disconnected from what large companies do," which has casual wording "old things" and "becoming boring quickly" and is not in academic tone.

2nd sentence reports that "companies create products that don't last long deliberately, so people will re-buy," which is too simple for an academic paper and needs to be defined more.

3rd sentence says that "sometimes, they only change the appearance or include tiny updates that don't even matter, but students get excited anyway because it feels new," which uses conversational wording "don't even matter," "feels new" which undermines the academic tone.

Last paragraph's 1st sentence is that "this is kind of like what a thinker named Baudrillard (1998) said," which is too informal, the phrase "a thinker named" would be better replaced with a more formal citation style.

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Which part of the position paper did you spot error/s?

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Which part of the position paper did you spot error/s?

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First, we found errors in the second paragraph because it is part of the introduction, and the thesis statement is not really on the right track. This is because it only talks about what the paper will discuss instead of clearly stating the main argument or stand. The word choice is also too casual, with phrases like “in general” and “this paper,” which make it sound less formal and academic. It should use more formal and specific words to fit the tone of the essay.

In the Consequences paragraph, we also noticed that the sentence about “restlessness and dissatisfaction” and the part saying “the normalization of obsolescence has far-reaching consequences beyond consumer behavior” should be removed. These lines are redundant and show hasty generalization since they repeat the same idea and make broad claims without enough support.

Lastly, in the Conclusion part, we noticed that there is no reference list and the citation format is incomplete. The paper should add a proper list of sources and use the correct citation style to make it more complete and professional.

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What parameter is violated, according to our POWER model?

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What parameter is violated, according to our POWER model?

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The first parameter violated was Word Choice & Language Use. While it followed the structure of a good introduction, the informal word choice, vague phrasing and redundancy damages the conciseness.

Secondly, the reference section violates the Edit and Revise stages of the power model because it lacks a proper citation style and complete reference list, reducing the paper’s accuracy and academic integrity.

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1. The original introduction contains several issues when evaluated across the aspects of purpose, organization, word choice, evidence, and rules. In terms of purpose, the thesis is vague and lacks a strong, focused argument. Phrases like “this paper discusses” or “wants to show” are weak and indirect, making it unclear what the central claim of the essay is. A stronger thesis should assert a clear position or argument about the culture of obsolescence and its impact.

2. Regarding organization, the ideas in the introduction jump from one topic to another without a logical flow. It moves abruptly from student behavior to the role of parents and teachers, then to how students “think about what they buy,” without clearly building toward the thesis.

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1. Thesis Statement:

This paper argues that the culture of obsolescence among high school students—shaped by social pressures, corporate marketing, and rapidly shifting trends—has significant psychological, social, and environmental impacts. By examining students’ consumption habits and the influences behind them, the paper highlights the critical role that educators and families can play in promoting more sustainable and intentional values.

2. "From gadgets and fashion to school supplies and learning tools" (revise):

From digital devices and clothing to academic materials...

3. "Students learn to value possession over purpose, appearance over utility." (revise to avoid overgeneralization):

Some/most students learn to value possession over purpose, appearance over utility.

-Iori

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Which part of the position paper did you spot error/s?

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Which part of the position paper did you spot error/s?

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I didn’t really see any big mistakes in the position paper, but there are a few small things that could be improved. Some parts have long sentences that could be made simpler so the ideas are easier to understand. Also, the transition between some sections, like from the “Consequences” part to “Planned Obsolescence,” could be smoother to make the flow better. Other than that, the paper is really well-written and the arguments make sense it just needs a bit of tweaking to make it sound more natural and easier to read.

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What parameter is violated, according to our POWER model?

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What parameter is violated, according to our POWER model?

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The violated parameter according to the POWER model is Rules and Conventions because of the references stated in the essay. The citations like (Twenge, 2017) and (Cooper, 2016) are not in a correct format since they're not introduced or explained. There is also no full reference list at the end of the essay. This shows that even though the essay has good ideas, it needs proper citation style.

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Which part of the position paper did you spot error/s?

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Which part of the position paper did you spot error/s?

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The errors can be spotted in the formatting and layout of the position paper, particularly in the following: spacing, text size, indentation, and alignment of the paragraphs.

Examples (respectively):

The spacing throughout the paper is inconsistent, making some sections look too crowded while others appear too far apart.

The second section has noticeably smaller text, which breaks consistency and distracts the reader.

The last part shows proper indentations; however, the earlier paragraphs do not have any, making the paper look unbalanced.

The alignment of the paragraphs is uneven. Some are justified while others are left-aligned, disrupting the overall uniformity of the text.

Overall, these errors affect the paper's visual presentation and violate the Rules and Conventions parameter, which focuses on maintaining consistent academic formatting.

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Which part of the position paper did you spot error/s?

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Which part of the position paper did you spot error/s?

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At the first paragraph of the text where the writer states "examples" that it betters the peoples lives. Where it does not show or state any kind of evidence or backing to support its claim.

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What parameter is violated, according to our POWER model?

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What parameter is violated, according to our POWER model?

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The violated parameter is E - Evidence because even though it gives examples like new phones and laptops, it does not provide specific data, facts, or credible sources to support its claims. Evidence should be concrete and verifiable to make the argument stronger and more convincing when in come to academic writing.

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What parameter is violated, according to our POWER model?

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What parameter is violated, according to our POWER model?

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The word choice and language used is violated in this work specifically section “The Role of Planned Obsolescence and Corporate Influence” since the explanation is informal and informal phrasing such as “The problem of old stuff getting boring fast can’t really be separated from what big companies do”, or “change only the look or add small updates that don’t even matter”. The text also uses contractions, which gives a more casual and unprofessional tone to the work. Additionally, it violates Rules and Conventions because it fails to include proper citation formatting, such as using quotation marks (“ ”) when directly quoting a source.

For example, Baudrillard (1998) said, that people buy things not really because they need them, but because they want to show something about themselves.

Should be paraphrased as Baudrillard (1998) said, “that people buy things not really because they need them, but because they want to show something about themselves”.

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The essay has errors in content, organization, language use, mechanics, and style. Some ideas repeat, and also transitions need to be smoother. The language is sometimes too informal, and citations are incomplete. The tone also changes between formal and casual, which affects consistency.

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Formality & Grammar-

I noticed that the chosen words and grammar are inconsistent, the writing switches between academic and casual tone.

for example: (informal)

Companies make things that don’t last long on purpose

uses "don't"

(Academic)

High school students grow up in a digitally mediated environment where trends change almost instantaneously.

The informal areas clashes with the more formal phrases such as :consumer socialization, halting innovation

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What parameter is violated, according to our POWER model?

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What parameter is violated, according to our POWER model?

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The aforementioned errors are found within the text's formatting, this results in the rules and conventions being violated according to the POWER model. This is evident by its inconsistency in applying proper spacing or indentation within the text, which further strengthens my points.

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This error in organization leads to reader confusion, caused by illogical progression and development of concepts. By putting consequences and further detailed explanation of the topic before even establishing the paper's groundwork, a reader would need to work harder to contextualize all the information presented, and maybe even read the paper multiple times just to understand properly.

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The paper contained several inconsistencies related to formatting and citation. First, the paragraph spacing was irregular, alternating between single and 1.5 spacing. Second, the text alignment varied—some sections were left-aligned while others were justified. Third, the indentation appeared only in the conclusion, which disrupted uniform formatting. Lastly, the citation style (APA) was inconsistent because some in-text citations were parenthetical when they could have been smoothly integrated into the sentence for better readability and adherence to academic conventions.

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1. The Roots of Obsolescence in Adolescent Culture

2. The Role of Planned Obsolescence and Corporate Influence

3. Consequences: Psychological and Environmental

4. Counterargument: Obsolescence as a Driver of Progress

5. The Role of Schools and Families

6. Conclusion

The reorganized headers create a clear progression of ideas that begins with the origin of the issue, explores its influences and impacts, presents a balanced debate, and ends with practical solutions and a thoughtful conclusion. This will also help direct readers to understand the text more clearly.

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I would revise it by organizing the ideas more clearly. Starting with what planned obsolescence is, then explaining how media affects it, and ending with the theory. I'd also use a more formal wording and tone, remove unnecessary repetition, and make transitions smoother. Lastly, I'd explain the evidence better so it supports the main point clearly.

Planned obsolescence occurs when companies intentionally design products with limited lifespans to encourage consumers to make repeated purchases. Many devices, such as smartphones, may still function properly after several years but lose software support, making them feel outdated and inconvenient (Cooper, 2016). By releasing minor updates or aesthetic changes, companies create the illusion of innovation and push consumers to desire what appears to be "new."

This desire is amplified by advertising and social media, which constantly associate new products with status and success. Teenagers, who are still developing critical awareness of marketing tactics, are particularly vulnerable. As a result, they may begin to equate self-worth with owning the latest gadgets or fashion trends.

As Baudrillard (1998) explains, consumers often buy products not out of necessity but as a way of expressing identity. Owning the latest phone or headphones can make students feel socially "in,' while using older items may lead them to feel left behind. This shows how corporate influence shapes not only consumer behavior but also young people's sense of belonging and self-image.

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I would add supporting evidence from datasets/surveys to back up my claims. I would also use clearer transitions. Instead of using words such as "like" I would use "for example" or "such as", "things" as "products" to name a few. The tone of the rest of the text is mostly formal and has several citations but this paragraph in particular breaks that, when rewriting this I would continue to use citations and keep it consistent with the original tone.

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We'll revise the errors by making the formatting consistent throughout the paper. This includes using the right font style and size, applying proper spacing, and ensuring proper indentation at the start of each paragraph. We will also align all text to the left margin and check that headings and subheadings follow a consistent format. This revision ensures the paper follows the proper academic format and looks organized and professional.