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DayONE: Dose of Sobriety & Devotion on Romans 13:8

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DayONE: Dose of Sobriety & Devotion on Romans 13:8

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June 15, 2021

As an alcoholic, and a woman who fell victim to sexual abuse, and pieces of abandonment throughout my life; I often struggle with living my life for others. I find myself searching and working my a** off; to do for everyone else, to be there, or even...the worst...to mold myself in this image that will make other people happy or just bring them a smile. I overwork myself, and my mind goes a million miles a minute. All trying to perfect myself to be this image that will produce this smile to the face of the person(s) around me. Whatever I need to do, whoever I need to be...I will make it happen, so they feel good or proud that I am in their life. DANG! That is a serious weight to carry.

But the reality is this...I DO IT TO M-Y-S-E-L-F!

It's embarrassing when I think back to how overwhelmed I got and how my world of color so quickly returned to black and white because of the, "pleasing others mentality." I even do it with my children. I am the most massive pushover of a mother. I never stick to a consequence, like grounding, or time out... what is that teaching them? Nothing good I can assure you! But like I said, I do this to myself and this is a character defect that I CARRY. No one makes me do this. No one is standing there with a weapon telling me its life or death, if I don't act on this accord. It is ALL ME.

I am NO VICTIM, because I have created this defect within my own loins. And every single time I hit a max where it is TOO much, I end up drowning myself at the bottom of a bottle. I lie, I become angry, I manipulate, I victimize myself, I get depressed, suicidal, abusive verbally and physically (thankfully not to my children), but without a doubt to my significant other. Because I sit there and my mind, body and soul are on FIRE. I hit a MAX CAPACITY, and I don't mean a COVID max capacity at 50%, I am talking Capacity of 100 and I am carrying like 133.

I explode. I drink and I explode some more. And then I drink some more.

The toxicity soon bleeds from within my home, to outside of it... to my family, to my loved ones, to eventually people I do not even know. Hello, my name is Cassandra and I am an ALCOHOLIC.

It never ends well... so how do I remove this defect of character? How do I stay sober? I'd love to say, "Well you run to Target and pick up this magic wand..." or "well, you say this one prayer..." or "you attend this meeting..." or "you just f**king STOP!" But the reality is it is none of those things... well, the prayer thing is pretty close but it isn't enough. So here we go... here I am...day 8 sober. I owe it all to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I had a year sober from alcohol on May 16, 2021. I reached it. But I spiraled and before I knew it my life was out of control within days. Such an embarrassment, so much self-anger, and now, so much guilt and regret. I caused SO much pain to myself, my children, my family, my loved ones, I am not sure how I can ever rebuild any of it. One thing I do know, is that God has touched my soul so incredibly these past 8 days, I am confident that I will never be the same. This is just a glimpse of what is going on in this newly sober brain of mine, I will get into more of that in the future. With that said, I have decided to put these thoughts to a possible decent use. I will end my entries with a verse(s) and a brief personally written devotion/interpretation, AND PRAYER. It could pertain to my sobriety, recovery, relapse, spiritual life, love life, family life, or just life in general. But the explanation on the verse(s) will be MY WORDS no one else's.

With this I hope to touch ONE set of eyes, ONE soul, alcoholic or not. I hope someone... anyone, struggling with understanding The Word, struggling with addiction, abandonment, depression, anxiety, codependency, or love and relationships can take away something from my explanation, or my personal thoughts/stories during my recovery process. However, DISCLAIMER! Yes, I am a Christian, but I am not a Saint. I will probably...no no... I will most definitely use some foul language. Call it hypocrisy, that is fine. I am here to please no one, I am here to be REAL, to be HONEST, and selfishly I hope this helps me get my sh*t together... Though, you will not find this language in the devotion/interpretation aspect of the entry. I wanted to throw the disclaimer out there for the above stuff.

See! D*mn it! There I go again, making sure I put that in there for all the Karen's reading this and to appease them. UGH...

Forget it! Let's do this... My name is Cassandra I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, and I am an Alcoholic.

"Owe no one anything, except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law." - Romans 13:8

Interpretation:

God gave us grace by sending Jesus to pay the price for our sins. Even though we are sinners, daily, Christ died for us so that we have the ability to accept Jesus into our hearts and the opportunity to live a life FOR Him and with Him. Yes, our daily sins are forgiven by God but we are commanded to pick up our crosses (like Jesus did) and follow God daily and grow and be more like Jesus. That is our purpose.
But WHY exactly did Jesus die for us? Was it just to pay for our sins? NO! The ultimate reason is LOVE. LOVE is the answer. And here in this verse we are told that we owe NOTHING to anyone. Not a thing. But we are to LOVE everyone just as Jesus did.
Now, obviously for everyone that is easier said than done. So, if we take this verse a step further and how we/I can make it personal to us (or just me). It starts within our own home. We owe each other nothing. You owe me nothing, I owe you nothing. We owe our children nothing. But we are commanded to LOVE one another. Once we get the whole loving thing down within our household...to one another and to our children, then we have the opportunity to branch out and fulfill this verse by loving our neighbor (which is basically a word the Bible uses to mean everyone else outside of your home AKA God's Community). But how do we do that? How do we know if we are loving one another the right way? And really what is love because the Bible says nothing about Love being that butterfly feeling in our tummy or it being lustful, or being obsessed and infatuated with another human. Love is NOT what society says it is… We have to remember this because it is the foundation of OUR intimate relationship and our relationships with others.  So how do we know? Well, the Bible gives us the definition of love. This is why The Word is SOOO incredible because it literally has the answer to EVERY question we will ever have. So we can never say there is not a manual to "life"... IT'S RIGHT HERE!!! the Bible!!! The world can change the meaning and redefine the word love over and over again, but God’s definition will ALWAYS be the same.

Christ’s definition is, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy (jealousy), it does not boast (brag), it is not proud (egotistical/self-centered). It does not dishonor (shame) others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight (please) in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (never ends). LOVE NEVER FAILS.” - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

THAT is the way God loves US and we are commanded to love one another as GOD LOVES US. Obviously, it is easier said than done. But this is a HUGE reminder and one of my favorite verses that I remind myself of when I feel upset, or confused, or even in those brief moments where I feel insecure when it comes to trusting. That is our Father's definition and it is CONCRETE! So, take it! Memorize it! Repeat it daily... REMEMBER IT!

So back to our original verse...

"Owe no one anything, except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law." - Romans 13:8

We owe each other nothing. We owe no one anything except LOVE. Practice and perfect this within our own home then we can branch out and share it with our friends and family and eventually the community and even a stranger (God’s children). THEN we will have fulfilled (accomplished) God’s law. Our Father is perfect...may we strive for learning, for progress, and not perfection. There will only ever be ONE perfect man, so strive for PROGRESS!

Prayer:

Heavenly Father,

Thank you that you are a loving, gracious God. Thank you that you’ve offered us forgiveness and the gift of new life in you. Thank you that your love is perfect, it never fails, and that nothing can separate us from your love.

We pray that our lives would be filled and overflowing with the power of your love so we can make a difference in this world and bring honor to you.
We ask for your help in reminding us that the most important things are not based on any talent, gift, or money, but the most important thing we can do in this life is simply to love you and to choose to love others.

Lord thank you that your love is patient. Help us be patient with one another and Help us show patience with those around us.

Lord thank you that your love is kind. Help us remain kind to one another and for us to extend kindness to others.

Lord thank you that true love is not jealous. Help us be mindful of this and help us cast aside feelings of jealousy or anger toward one another if it pops up.

Lord thank you that your love does not brag and is not selfish. Help us to not live with pride or arrogance, but to choose to walk with humility and grace.

Lord help us to extend kindness instead of rudeness towards one another and to others. Help us to continue to not use mean tones and tear down one another with our words, so that we can truly walk in peace together.

Lord thank you that true love does not seek its own. Lord help us not to live selfishly in our relationships.

Lord help us not to become easily angered. Help us not to be so quick to react, but instead slow to speak, eager to listen, and slow to become angry.

Lord thank you that your love does not take into account all our mistakes. Lord help us not to hold grudges, but to choose to forgive, even when it seems humanly impossible.

Lord thank you that your love cheers with the truth. Lord help us to love your words of truth, may we walk in your freedom and wisdom. Let it be what drives our lives and choices every day.

Lord thank you that your love carries all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, thank you that your love NEVER FAILS. We pray our relationships are worthy of this. We pray we show our children this love in our home and that eventually we can carry it out to Your community Lord.

Help us to love, as you love. Fill us with your Spirit so that we can choose what is best. We are weak indeed, Lord, but we know also, that even when we are weak, you are strong within us. You carry us through every trial and tribulation we face. Thank you that it’s not all up to us. Thank you that you give us the tools to face each day with the power of your love, your forgiveness, and your grace. We love you

Lord, and we need you today...and every day.

We pray all these things in Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

Stay Humble my friends...reflect on the part YOU play in every situation...give thanks to God... and LOVE the way Jesus does.

Keep Calm & Sober On!

- C.

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Who is the most important person in my family?

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Who is the most important person in my family?

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Journal Entry: September 3, 2020

There is no doubt that I have acquired numerous people in my life who I could consider to be incredibly influential/important to me. As far as who is most important in my family to me? Honestly, that is a bit of a difficult question. I am a mother, so my cliché immediate response would love to go directly to my children. However, I am going to go a bit of a different route on this one and say that the most important person in my family, for me, would be my mother.

My mother was a single mom when I was a young girl. She was overworked and tired most of the time, and starved for male attention, probably to distract her from her chaotic schedule as both an employee and a single mother. She was not shy about bringing her significant others home for a day or two here and there. Periodically they stayed for a couple months and those were referred to as her boyfriends. It was not the healthiest of situations, but it was mine.

When she met my Stepdad, life became different. She began devoting a lot of her time to be a good partner for him and eventually a wife. She struggled, maintaining a balance with the children and her Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It was difficult as a young girl. I felt unloved a lot of the time, because her time was consumed with perfecting this or that or implementing the perfect life lesson, she thought we needed to hear. I even had to bring her into one of my counseling sessions and have the therapist mediate while I told her I needed more hugs throughout the day. She was the absolute worst person to communicate with. I was always intimidated to talk to her. She was quick, witty, and smart. After sharing any feelings of hurt or detriment, it was as if she came in on her fire breathing dragon and just laid waste to anything standing. She used the most profound language, and thirty seconds into speaking it felt safer to run and hide because you knew that dragon was coming! Consequently, communication often was swept under the rug.

You may be wondering, why her? How is this woman the most important person in my family to me? This is a lot of negative, emotionally heavy and dark stuff! Well, she may not have been the perfect Mom growing up, but she was and is MY Mom.

You see, what I neglected to tell you was despite all of that this; was a woman who was going through her own personal struggle. The point is, what I see reflecting back is only one side of the equation. She had three children to take care of financially, emotionally, physically, and socially. Being a happily married woman with children and a partner to do life and parenting with is tough enough, let alone doing it alone. She held multiple jobs to ensure we had everything we needed, always. Yes, concluding numerous days she ended up in the arms of a man that I would question, whether they would be my new dad or not. But she provided, and I stand today because she provided.

What I neglected to share with you were all the times she held me as a teenager. A girl proportionately the same size if not larger than herself, sat in her lap on the bathroom floor, bawling my eyes out, as she rocked me and cleaned my open wounds on my legs. Wounds that were self-inflicted by whatever sharp object was available to me. I would scream and cry out, “Just leave me, you know you are going to leave me just like my Dad did!” and she would hold me. She would hold me as I screamed at the top of my lungs, “I HATE YOU!” and she would softly respond, “I am never leaving you. I will be right here, always. You can hate me, but I love you, forever.” She never left me.

What I neglected to tell you was that at age fourteen this woman buried her best friend. She was the baby out of ten children. Her mother was an emotionally detached homemaker. Her father worked his tail off and was hardly present for his other nine children. But my Mom was the apple of his eye. His baby girl. He passed away when she was fourteen. A critical time in a young lady’s life for social and cognitive development. Yet, her days were spent mourning that loss, and rebelling in every way she could think possible.

What I neglected to tell you was that during her rebellious years following her father’s death, she became a first-time mother at, the juvenile age, of seventeen. At age eighteen she had a miscarriage. At age twenty she birthed her second son. A couple months after her second son was born, she found out she was pregnant again. This was her fourth pregnancy and her youngest son was only seven weeks old at the time. Her last delivery did not go according to plan. She had a C-section and she hemorrhaged, almost costing her her life.  At age twenty-three she discovered she was pregnant for the fifth time. At three months pregnant, she went into active labor. The doctors found out that her baby had a diaphragmatic hernia (a hole in the diaphragm). Scientifically and medically, the world was not at the level it is today, so the result was that her baby would have to have major surgery upon birth. The doctors were optimistic, but she knew in her heart that she would never, bring that baby home. She went into labor numerous times throughout the pregnancy. At thirty-four weeks pregnant they could not stop it, so they immediately began administering medications to speed up the baby’s lung development, meanwhile discovering additional complications with the baby. She gave birth to Logan, her third son, on August 29, 1988. She held him in her arms for over three hours before he went home to Jesus. After the funeral, Logan was never spoke of again, while my parents remained married. Eight months after burying her son, she was pregnant for the sixth time. March 13, 1990, she birthed her final child, me. Pregnant six times in seven years, she had six sections of undying, indefinite, and pure love in her soul, yet, only three beings to fulfill those voids. She was young, hurt, confused, and burdened with almost a decade of pain and hardship. Almost a decade of detrimental emotional trauma that was swept under the rug never to be approached.

What I neglected to tell you was that the mom that could not provide enough hugs to her children for years, could not do so because the physical touch of another human being, no matter what their relation or age, made her sick because she was robbed of her personal intimacy and boundaries when she became a victim of sexual assault AND physical abuse an uncountable amount of times. She was a broken woman. 99% of her was dead inside. She was the shell of an outer being, with no life within her, how on earth would she have been able to show any ounce of physical affection to her children being so broken and numb? She had just enough light within her, sparked from my brothers and I, to keep pushing forward to put food on the table. Just enough light radiated inside to progress forward each day, knowing that one day she would be revived.

And revive she did! Needless to say, my mother overcame every single obstacle in her life. She is without a doubt, the strongest soul I have ever encountered. From the depths of the darkest places, many do not make it out of alive, she stands alive today, and revived. She may not have been the perfect mother during my early childhood, but let me tell you something… The woman was, one hundred percent, made to be the perfect mother in my adolescence and adulthood. Every ounce of what she desired to change about herself as a young mother she has implemented into being an impeccable grandmother.

Granted, this is just a glance at her life. But even in this glace, it is impossible to hold any judgement on the things she lacked as a single mom. No one is perfect. Everyone experiences different trials and tribulations in their lives. What matters is how we overcome those. Do we sit back and continue to live in a life of misery? Absolutely not! We all have a background, a foundation that has been cracked and broken. It is up to us to choose how we are going to rebuild on that foundation, and WHAT we are going to rebuild. I look back at my mother’s journey and I see dignity, I see determination, I see strength, and I see an infinite amount of love for her children. I look presently, and I see the empire she established on that foundation.

The initial question was, “Who is/was the most important person in your family to you?” My response, with every fiber of my being is, my Mother. The woman who always found the energy to keep going and provide for her children. The woman who was my counselor at my darkest moments. The woman who swept every ounce of hurt and unidentified heartache under the rug for years to make life possible for me. She has portrayed an inexhaustible love. At my darkest teenage moments her voice kissed every ounce of pain I had away. She sees me for who and what I am. She exudes safety and peace when I am in her presence. When I am sad or afraid, I can close my eyes and feel her hands wipe away my tears. She believed in me, when I did not believe in myself. She saw me as alive, when I felt deceased. She persuaded me away from the ledge of death numerous times, reminding me all I have to live for.  She is my comfort, my confidant, my best friend, my inspiration, my everything. No words will ever express the gratitude, and love I feel towards her. It is impossible. She is the most important person in my life because she has lived, and despite being flawed, she is perfectly imperfect to me. A woman I will strive to mirror as a friend, a wife, a mom, and a Grandmother. She has overcome everything life has put in front of her. She is a warrior, MY warrior, My Mom!

Mom, if you're reading this...I would love to say I apologize for exploiting things that could have potentially been secretive for you. But I am not. I am confident in the person I am today and the blood that runs through my veins. Your story is a part of me. It is a daily reminder of the Warrior blood I have within myself. I have been through some major shit. I have been a God awful person. I have been beaten, and battered by others and by myself. Your story inspires me...you my dear momma are amazing. And when it comes to my life personally? I would not change one single thing. When it comes to you personally? I would not change one single thing. I am proud of you, I am proud to be your daughter. I am honored to have you as my mom, and I am honored you instilled such a vast capacity to love in me. I will love you until my final breath and beyond my Dearest Momma.

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Journal: Love and the Loss of One's Self-Identity

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Journal: Love and the Loss of One's Self-Identity

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Here is the second photo to go with the reading...

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Journal: Love and the Loss of One's Self-Identity

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Journal: Love and the Loss of One's Self-Identity

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This semester, to broaden my knowledge on healthy family relationships, so I can continue to become the best version of myself (and the best momma of course) I decided to take a Family Life, Human Love and Intimacy Course. Y'ALL! We are on week THREE and I have already hit all the emotional levels there is AND I have instilled so much knowledge so far! The book is just phenomenal. The professor has us doing journal entries (minimum of one per week but, you know your girl is an overachiever 🤣) CHECK THIS OUT! I am obsessed with this book! *quick read I promise*

Journal Entry: September 6, 2020

I am aware that we are only assigned to write one journal entry per week. However, in concluding my reading of Chapter Three, American Way of Love, I experienced one of the most profound situations in my college career thus far. Have you ever experienced a situation, a song, a book, really anything that pertains to literacy, that leaves your eyeballs bulging from your face (yes, like in the Looney Toon cartoons) and has your mind wondering, “What the fuck?! They wrote a book/story about me! How the hell did they do that?” I have experienced so many diverse emotions already in this class, I am not sure how much more I can handle, but I am going to share what occurred. Better yet, see for yourself, can you figure out what occurred?

On June 7, 2008 there was a young adolescent lady, only one week out having graduated high school. She stood at the alter and repeated her wedding vows. She had a vast range of emotions, however, the largest, was excitement. She spent the next couple of years (okay let's be honest the next decade) forming herself into the most perfect wife and shortly before their first wedding anniversary she was working on perfecting the mothering role, as they introduced their first son.

Nevertheless, her self-portrayed purpose was to continue to please her husband (I aim to please Mr.Grey). She showed her love by molding herself in something similar to his own image. She said fuck what she enjoyed...she picked up his hobbies and made them their priority. If he enjoyed an activity, she made sure she did too. She casted aside her personal beliefs and opinions (even in politics) to let him lead the way. But it was all okay, right? Because she was doing everything for him, to make him happy. What a completely FUCKED misconception.

In November of 2019, after eleven years of marriage and three children, her husband left her, and is seldom present in the lives of the children. Everything she did, racing for his approval, pushed him further and further away, until he was gone. She never even noticed the fact that she had zero identity. She had no sense of independence. What a sad story, right?

Now, please look on page 79 in our textbook, and read the highlight area titled, “Love and the Loss of One’s Self-Identity.”(screen shots below, and on second follow up to the left on the screen, it's not long don't worry). That is a sad story too, would you not agree? What the fuck are these women doing?! It is important to note that the story above is not my personal interpretation of this woman’s story listed on page 79. The story listed above is MY story (a fraction of it anyways)..

Hi, my name is Cassandra. I am a single mother to three beautiful children, currently going through a divorce that stemmed from forming myself around the identity of another human being that was already taken. Who the hell does that?! Listen up people!  WE. CANNOT. ALL. BE. THE. SAME. PEOPLE. Like our book says when we love another, we have the ability to express ourselves as individuals, and we have personal freedom. Let me tell you firsthand, by assuming the identity and role we think another person wants, we are not only harming ourselves, but we are harming that person too. What a heavy weight it is to carry the responsibility of such a dependency!

Point being, we should always be completely in love with ourselves before even considering sharing our love with another soul. Independence is vital. Self-identity is paramount. Word of advice? Just be you! Whoever that is. Love that person, respect that person, cherish that person. I speak from personal experience, so figure out who you are, who you want to become and nourish the relationship within yourself first. And for the love of God... learn to communicate! And when I say communicate, I mean full circle... SHUT YOUR MOUTH and LISTEN. Because let me tell you, my ass LOVES hearing myself talk, but DAMN, all be damned if I will ever be partially responsible ever again for the hurt of my children because I could not shut my damn mouth and listen! The neat thing is we all have the opportunity to learn from other people’s mistakes. With that said, things do happen for a reason.

I am coming up to one year of being a single mom, and the growth within myself and within my household is absolutely incredible. One of the reasons I am taking this class is to learn how have a strong capable American family. With the ability to educate and give my children the vital tools in life that they need. In regards to relationships when it comes to family, friendships, peers, and yes, absolutely, love! In every avenue of relationships, I pray they are stimulated and confident, being whomever they are. Meaning single, married, gay, whatever it is. Teach me, educate me! Open my mind, my heart and my eyes. I cannot get enough of moving forward!

Confidently, I can say, where I was is so far from sight, to where I am today.  I am actually a pretty damn good listener, and go figure... I can write decent too! Most importantly...I am no longer sifting through the diamonds looking for dirt. I am sifting through the dirt to find the diamonds!

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Journal #1 Why Early Childhood Education?

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Journal #1 Why Early Childhood Education?

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So, I will be honest with myself and with everyone else, as far as what brings me to the field of Early Childhood Education? Does insanity count as a sufficient answer? I am just kidding!
I am a single mother of three amazing children, but let me tell you...some weeks the bad days out weigh the good days! My oldest son was diagnosed with a neurological disorder called Tourettes Syndrome a while ago. He was overjoyed with the diagnosis. I was excited he finally had answers, as to why he was the way he is. But, again, being honest, as a mother my heart was broken. I knew the road we were about to embark on was going to be a difficult one.
Logan has always dreamed about serving his country, in our applaudable United States Armed Forces. After learning his diagnosis, I realized he would never be able to achieve that dream specifically. As a mother, this shattered my heart. The goal my little boy is striving to reach, will not be obtainable because, with a neurological disorder you cannot serve in the Armed Forces.
So, after quite a few tear shed hours, I began researching. What can I do as his mother to make this happen? Well, the reality was there was not anything I could do. It is what it is, as they say. However, in numerous discussions with my son I stumbled upon some information I did not know. I asked him, "Son, why do you want to serve your country?" His response was, "Well, one, because being in the military is super awesome! You get to learn how to shoot, you get to protect people, and you get to defend the rights of the people. But the other reason, Mom...is because I do not think I am smart enough to make it through school to do anything else."
BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks. My kid has no confidence in the educational system. Number one, he doubts his own potential and number two he doubts the system and his educators! That is when I discovered where I needed to be and what I needed to do to aid him in making his dreams become a reality.
I discovered my own passionate subject as Mathematics. So, guess what? I want to teach Math!
Therefore, I am entering the field of Early Childhood Education to be an Educator. An Educator that can instill not just the fundamentals of the curriculum, but one that can help ALL children reach for the stars. Someone to motivate them, lift them up, and push them to never quit. Someone who inspires them to see that they all have so much potential, it just needs proper self nourishment.
In today's society many of our children suffer with mental issues and self image issues. There is a break down in our family units and in our system. A lot of our educators sadly show up to the class to teach the curriculum, which yes, is their duty, but they neglect the emotional part and blessing of being an educator. Where is the passion? Our children need to see that passion first hand to fuel them. Our children need that motivation of a, "CAN DO," attitude. I have that attitude, and that gift, so why not share it? That is what brings me to the field of Early Childhood Education.

Look out kids, because we are about to make all your aspirations come true! There is NO limit!

"A vision without action is just a hallucination."
-Thomas Jefferson