# data[].attributes.body
Things are complicated.
I am happy.
But some moments feel like i'm choking on wasted air.
Still, I am happy.

I'm growing older,
And I will never be ready when the realization hits.
I'll be in college soon,
Living on my own.
Just for a couple years,
But still. on my own.

It's scary, i'm terrified.
Though I am just the smallest of excited.
Curious what is to come next,
How I will survive and thrive in the world alone.

Most of all,
I will be with new people.
Maybe I will find myself,
Within all this mess.
I will have a life that is made by my own hands.
It does not matter if i'm ready,
Because nobody truly is.
I just have to take a deep breath,
And let life pull me in.

I will find myself back where I grew,
It will have been awhile at that point,
But I will have returned.
I just have to wait and see,
I just have to try,
I must accept life.
As I will accept mine.

# data[].attributes.body
I don't know what i'm doing anymore,
Today I learned an ugly truth,
And now my brain won't rest.

I feel like a failure in all my faults,
I just want some consolation,
Not to feel this hollow like a broken carving.

Everytime I go to write I am left speechless,
Perhaps I am tried of overworking,
Or the ugly truth still lurks in my mind.

However,
I don't know what I am going to do,
Wait it out?

These thieves work day and night,
And I am only one person.
I just want to live fearless.

Yet, that feels like so much to ask nowadays.
My eyes well up like a sink,
And a sob threatens to run out.

But I just clench my fists and smile bright.
I'm so tired.
Why can't this hell be over?

Am I always losing?
Or am I just stuck behind a locked door?
Will a door open soon?

Do I just have to suffer through this?
I don't know.
I really don't.

I just ask for a sign.
One little sign,
That things will change.

That i'll be okay.
Just one.
That's all I ask for.

# data[].attributes.body
I am watching her as she leaves,
She's my friend,
My dearest friend,
But something's not right,
Things don't feel the same.

I speak to her,
Trying to open her up,
I think I grow older,
And I am watching her die.

We are best friends.
I am trying to convince myself of such,
If I repeat it,
I'll believe it,
And when she leaves I know she'll be gone.

No matter what I do,
I am watching her leave.
No matter what I say,
She still walks by.
No matter what I see,
I still watch her die.

We used to be best friends,
Now i'm forcing my hand.
I am holding her,
Yet my grip loosens,
If she wants to go,
I won't follow.

I watch her as she leaves,
And this time,
I let her be.
She's my best friend,
At least,
To me.

# data[].attributes.body
My legs slip into the grasp,
An unwanted unkindly friend.
The navy brushes chains,
The drops feel like blood.
It's so cold,
Freezing frostbitten,
Chilling to the touch.

My body quivers,
Lips pursing under the significant,
Under the pressure.
As it consumes me,
It's waves hit my sides,
Each lap more and more painless,
Yet I still find tears in my sad little eyes.

There I sit,
In a pool of an icy hug,
Waiting for warmth,
Something that never comes.
I wrap my own arms around me,
It feels like needles,
Trying to prick into my waist,
But perhaps as I cry.
My tears will warm me.

The bath concludes,
I pull myself out,
I pop off the drain,
And the water slips down.
May we meet again,
Horrible friend,
Remind me what hell is like.
When it freezes over.

# data[].attributes.body
What’s it like to feel nothing at all?

Days go by like static.

A cacophony of radio silence.

Can’t remember what you did

Yesterday,

And tomorrow sinks in like teeth,

But you know you’ll wake up

And that bitter sameness rests thin.

The air is still,

Slipping off each breath,

Like tantalizing silk.

You can feel the touch of your own clothes,

Yet the feeling,

Doesn’t sit to play.

The tingling against your lips,

The gloss over your eyes,

Words fail to find you,

And you fail to find yourself.

There's a chilling coldness,

That crawls over your heart.

With every beat and sound,

The emptiness just grows.

Leaving you hungry,

Restless and hunting,

Always starving,

Craving,

For more.

You look into your own eyes,

Still,

You feel nothing at all.

Through the glossy glass,

A face you don’t recognize.

You’re watching your own life,

As it passes you by.

The people you love,

The things you do,

Fade with a light goodbye.

In a romantic metaphorical sensation,

You are nothing at all.

# data[].attributes.body
Sometimes I look out the window,
and I think of you.
If you were here,
I wonder what we'd do?
Go on walks, have long nonsensical talks?
Just hold each other for a really long time,
Would that be too much?
Would that be fine?

Today I lay awake,
Today I lay in fear.
Have I said too much?
Too little?
I need you to know i'm still here.
I have this parasite,
It tells me things I don't like.
Carves a hole and buries inside,
Tells me things, feeds me lies.
I fear you'll hate me,
I'm scared once you understand,
That you'll leave.

You don't know the other side of me,
You don't know how much I overthink,
I wish you knew,
I wish you could see,
It kills every part of me.
I have fading trust,
And I'm terrified of everyone.
I live in solitude,
Music the only mend,
I live in constant loneliness,
Even now with friends.
I keep thinking ahead,
I get my hopes up,
And everything caves in.
I'm sorry if it seems I don't care,
I'm sorry if I feel distant,
Really, I just don't want to overshare.

I'm scared you'll run away,
I'm scared you wont stay,
I'm scared so scared,
That despite everything,
You'll just turn and walk away.

I love you,
I do.
You don't know how much,
but I do.
Whenever you smile, so does my heart.
Whenever you're sad, it tears me apart.
When you show me something you like, I try to remember.
When you tell me something you feel, I try to remember.
I really want you to know how much I care,
How much I try,
Because for you,
I always want to be right there.

Sometimes I look out the window,
And I think of you.
And if you were here,
Here's what we'd do.
Whatever we want, as long as it involves you.
I may live in fear,
Constant stress,
But when you're around,
I feel like a little less of a mess.

I love you. :)

# data[].attributes.body
It's been awhile, since I last remember.
Maybe it hasn't been, and I'm choosing to forget.
But either way, no matter what,
She's got a cute face.

Lately I find myself lying awake,
Waiting for her to say something, anything.
She somehow made me so crazed.
So lackadaisical, so fucking wild.
She's got a cute face.

My heartbeats faster and faster,
I've never felt this nervous.
How did I fall this far down for someone?
Maybe it's because,
She's got a cute face.

How did I manage to find these feelings again?
I thought for sure after the other, I closed off.
I thought that I would never recover.
I guess I was wrong.
I was really wrong.
She's got a cute face.

I hope she and I, last.
At least just for a week, a month, two?
I know I'm quick to attach to her,
I know sometimes I'm crazy.
I know sometimes I act upon one set of mind.
I know that she might drift from me.
But for once I just want to be happy.
For once I don't care about what might happen.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be,
With her.

By the way, Did I mention she has a cute face?

# data[].attributes.body
Unhinged, insane, angry!
Im frustrated, im enraged,
For this is anything but fair!
So many have complained,
I am adding to the list!
For I am not satisfied,
This was a shot that was missed!
I have done my fair share,
Even when I do not understand!
But you hand me excuses,
Explain yourself before I demand!
Among all these pieces of gold,
You handed me copper,
But I did my best as far as I was told!
This does not make sense,
Oh what is your reason,
Why did you make things so tense?
I won't quit till I get the truth,
Where are the reasons,
The answer?
the reasons to why you're so aloof?
Just let me pass,
I have tried so hard,
I am so baffled,
So upset,
A diamond still in the rough!
Oh i feel so tired,
undermined,
Oh won't you please,
Please grade my work next time?

# data[].attributes.body
Danger strikes the mind of a killer
Watches from inside,
speculating his next
Rewinding the tape,
he analyzes the room
Planning like a bat on a pillar.

Just another guy,
a background compliment.
Checking home videos,
Without his own home,
Unusual style,
balding head,
undesirable.

Like a magician's act,
picking his next right out of a hat.
Unlike the magician,
The tools he uses is not an act,
To which he sets on a stage.
The plan intact,
Based on a wage,
As death is a fact.

Love and romance,
Not a must for the man,
Never been given any affection,
Not even a woman's attention.
And when he is,
The Killer feels confused,
Happy?
Joyful?
It's too new.

But just like a toy,
It had it's fun,
The Killers mind is run with anger,
Overrun by made up confusion.
Mommy didn't love him.
Daddy didn't care.
Just another background boy.

Replaying the tape,
He sees the glass door,
He sees the bed,
He sees the woman,
He sees her head.
The home video,
The last of her,
before she was announced,
Presumably Dead.

# data[].attributes.body
An empty space.
Filled with no inspiration,
As said, it's a waste.

I watch the sway, the dance.
But nothing comes to mind,
Not by a passing glance.

Im empty, need a refill.
Pour me some lemonade,
I've got time to kill.

The hand it curves,
creation is made,
But no inspiration is heard.

Where did the idea go?
I wanted to draw,
Just another inspiration unknown.

# data[].attributes.body
Laying in her chambers is the lady, Sparrow.
She paints pictures that which hide her sorrow.
Never seeing the birds or trees,
She was stuck in a tower, alone, and afraid.
Nobody to come, forbidden entry.

The only window is the hole in the wall,
Standing on her toes, she heard the birds call.
A singular flower started to grow,
She painted it from every angle,
Twas the flower a rose, a dandelion, a lily?
For Sparrow did not know.

It's petals were white, the middle shined blue.
Then suddenly out of nowhere, there was two!
With her easel and brush, she painted a hope,
A land full of lush flowers, and a bird,
Even a cottage, Her paradise was all to cope.

Days and months went by,
The birds stopped tweeting,
The flowers had died.
The hole got bigger, but winter crept by.
Snow filled inside Sparrows room.
She was sleepless for so many nights.

The hole was so big, she could almost get out,
She peeped out the hole,
No flowers or birds to count.
There was only white, vast, mountains of snow.
She was so cold, tired of being alone.

More rocks crumbled, she stuck out her hand.
Feeling the air touch her, brush against her skin,
Staring at the melted snowy land,
She was done being trapped in.

Grabbing her easel, she swung at the rocks,
Down came the stone, off came the locks.
She felt the breeze,
Stepping out of the tower.
There on the ground,
Was a singular white and blue flower.

# data[].attributes.body
They had been together for a long time,
She never saw his face,
He never saw hers.
Living in darkness where only voices are heard.
He had no lights, and she brought candles,
He hated fire,
She liked to play.

A night of love, promises, and tears.
"Let me see your face,"
She spoke with sorrow,
"We have been together for so long," She looked away,
"But I don't know who you are."
The man sat up, having enough.
He was done yelling, getting nowhere in conversation.
"Fine, M'lady, light your candle," He warned,
"But don't scowl at me when i'm nowhere."
He paused,
"Yes...Nowhere to be yours." And with that,
eager and ignorant,
M'lady lit the candle and held it to his voice.
She screamed, and ran out the door.

He sat upon the bed, with a long sigh,
He picked up his severed head,
And thus ended the horseman's night,
As the M'lady was nowhere in sight.

# data[].attributes.body
In a dark time,
All we can do is hope.
As we watch the numbers pile higher,
Records breaking again,
And again.
We listen to all the liars,
Stand upon their podium and act righteous,
The records breaking higher.
But all we can do is hope,
Staying home,
As the predator prolongs his stay.
The long to go grows,
The want to go grows,
The need to go grows,
We are stuck.
But all we can do,
Is hope.
Hope to win,
Against the predator.

# data[].attributes.body
Stepping out into the wasteland,
the bell tolls thrice.
Sure im playing dirty,
but i'm tired of being nice.
The guards turn a blind eye,
To the felonies of a thousand committed crimes.
The bell tolls four,
No, Make that five.
Searching for an answer with pistols a rise,
War never changes even when bloodsoaked with lies.
The bell tolls six,
Seven, Eight, and Nine.
Bodies lay there in a dead pile,
My gun in hand,
A blown off head falls onto the stone tile.
The bell tolls ten.
Staring at the body of a fallen soldier,
A mother, a child,
My brother, and I the monster like no other.
The Bell tolls eleven, no twelve, no Twenty times.
The town is gone and there's still blood to shed,
I won't stop playing dirty, till the town is painted red.
Bing.
There goes the last soldiers head.

# data[].attributes.body
Boiling smoke rages on the inside of my chest,
Im breathing steady, heavy,
Call me a pessimist.
I'm trying to give you a kind cheery smile,
But your persistence drives me so crazy,
So lackadaisical and wild.
The smoke is growing and I want to open my mouth,
So badly I do,
Yet I don't want smoke to pour out.
You have turned this fine february day,
With your begging and sincerity,
Into an unpleasant, boiling, itchy, horrible, stay.
I leave your words back where they belong,
dead, rotting, ashes,
Piling along.

# data[].attributes.body
I watch the world with a steady eye,
It's dying fast,
But I don't care as much anymore.
I can't solve anything because no one wants me to,
Maybe when were all dead that's when someone will realize,
The problem at stake.
It's funny, penguins are dying, the layers are sinking,
And everyone is still obsessed with the famous.
Who cares someone got married, we live on the same Earth,
Doesn't mean just because you have money, you'll live longer.
If it does, well, you'll find another way to screw up,
But I'll be in my yard,
Relaxed, as the world ends.
Im counting.
And it's fine.

# data[].attributes.body
Do you ever feel alone,
sitting in a dark room,
Only the television casts light as darkness grows.
Or standing outside in the rain as you hold an empty hand,
No umbrella to shield your head,
and nobody offers,
Leaving you with no words to be said.
But the most loneliest anyone will ever be,
Is in a room full of people,
Feeling like a tiny little pea.
Your friends abandoned you for that person over there,
Your acquaintances have either left or just don't care.
You're standing in a corner all alone,
Everyone is talking but you're not home.
You left had long time ago,
Just when the party started,
You felt alone.

# data[].attributes.body
I live in fear.
I surround my life in memories and made up stories,
To try and keep myself safe.
The reality looming, rests under my shoes.
I hide as I walk, I mute as I talk,
I decide to run away.
Facing my fears, avoiding my peers,
It's a dream that is a hidden scare.

I love in fear.
My partners, my crushes,
my cabinet of heartbreak,
I only love when I am afraid.
The fear of losing,
the fear of choosing,
the fear of breaking away.
The things I hold close to my chest,
Always seem to disappear,
Is it me? Or is it her?
A recurring nightmare.

I walk in fear,
my house might break,
that car might crash,
my cat might die,
I am surrounded in fear.

It is worse than love,
It is worse than sadness,
It is worse than hate,
It is the shadow that follows.
The puppeteer with strings,
Guiding me across the stage,
No will that is free,
Guided by a hand unknown to me.

I live in darkness,
living with a question and no answer.
What if?
What if?
WHat If?
WHAT if?
WHAT IF?
WHAT IF?!
Regret.
I live in fear,
Because I am afraid.
.
.
.
.
Just, not today.

# data[].attributes.body
Sitting on the ground
Staring at your grave,
I say "come back" but I hear no one on their way.
You used to lay next to me as I cried,
Now i'm completely alone and sad inside.
I wish I could hold you close,
But nothing comes to mind,
You're nothing, something like a ghost.
You've burned your face into my dreams,
Your eyes staring into my soul,
But looking back at me.
I chase you down in the dark
But you get farther,
And then your flaming eyes lose spark.
I hold you close,
Every detail sinking into my head
But there's nothing there because the truth is,
You're dead.
Im sitting at your grave
Where things couldn't be.
In that spot I say,
"Come back to me."