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I don't even remember the date, it was so long ago... Sometime in November of 2021

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I don't even remember the date, it was so long ago... Sometime in November of 2021

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Congrats, if you're here that means you were stalking my page and you actually cared enough to open this, so welcome! You most likely didn't find out about this padlet any other way because I do NOT plan on telling people it exists. When did you find it? OKKKKKK Y'all have to know that I'm lying when I say "I'm ok" soooo here's why :DDD - BTW *I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but if it does, just don't read it. And if you have questions, ASKK*
Honestly, I've never been "ok". Whatever the hell that means. I think it started when my dad left? (for work) I don't really want to get into that though, because it is very difficult trying to dissect your emotions after you've hidden them for what...about 3 months? Yea cool. 3 months is how long I've been feeling like this. ANYWAY. I'm not sure if I've told anyone here this but I was diagnosed with depression (:D lucky me) and anxiety....I think July of 2021. And it's never cured (:D double bonus). Well, shortly after my dad left, Ro and I got back together. Which helped, it really did. But I kinda got distant, and I think he noticed that. Push comes to shove and we broke up. Which.....did wonders to my mental state. But as you all know, I was fine. It didn't bother me. Oh, ....but it did. A lot. I was back to square 1, or 0. Everything in my brain that was fixed during the relationship, now worsened by 2. Just so y'all know, I don't blame any of this on Roland. It's not his fault I'm fucked in the head. Anywayyyy after that,  I kept to myself more. I was just "fine" all the time. THEN. My mother <3. She told me.....she didn't want me in her house anymore! Surprise surprise. And that was a whole ordeal, something like CPS got involved and is still involved (mommy doesn't know this ;) :o). If you really want more details I'll tell you another time. I loved my mother. And I still do, and it hurts so much to love someone who hurt you so badly. I cried a lot. But then I stopped, and I didn't cry, and I still don't (with an exception for Halloween night), and I was just numb and figured I was as close to rock bottom as I was comfortable with. Oh, but then. There's always a but then, isn't there? Kenma and Roland got back together :D. That was great. Wasn't it? I mean, I shipped it after Ro and I had broken up (little secret ;) - if I ship something, most of the time I am jealousss). Why would it have bothered me? Truth is, I have no fucking idea. But, you're an asshole if you're not happy for your friend. Even if they're with your ex. So I chose to be happy for them and move on. As best I could, anyway. But that shit hurted lmao. I got over it though, mostly. It's fine, it really is. Now I'm just numb (aside from my anxiety, which has gotten like x10 worse :D). So none of the shit that happens here, or anywhere else, really effects me. Which is why I'm able to be so blunt about this. And I KINDA feel like someone (A) used me but we're not getting into that ;). And I may or may not have read a book about suicide to help disintegrate my feelings about it, but bOoKy might've made them worse. ANYWAY- I don't think there is much else. SO...yea haha

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I hate the people that ignore you for no reason.

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Nobody fucking believes me. It's his fault. I didn't want to. I didn't know what to do or how to say no. But nobody. Fucking. Believes. Me.

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I'm so overwhelmed, it's not even funny. Usually, I take my terrible feelings and turn them into jokes, a way of mocking myself for being upset. But now, I can't even. I'm always expected so much from, when most of the time I struggle to even find enough time in the day to get all of it done. The last thing I want to do is let others down. But- I don't like 'complaining' to people (as they have called it) so.. this is where I will spew my randomness

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Found out I have trigger word today

*There are trigger words regarding $3xu@1 @$$@u1t*

.. Why was it fun to type that? Anyway-

I broke down on the car ride home when I said it.

I was talking to my sister while my mom was on the phone with the cops, apparently someone 'who's job required them to say something' figured out about what happened to me and called CPS? My mom was explaining the situation to the police officer, the way she sees it. That I wasn't sexually assaulted. But that I 'let' it happen. That I'm just a curious kid and WANTED to, because I didn't stop it. Yea, sure.

I was speaking w/ my sister and told her, "Oh for sure, definitely, yup, I WANTED to be sexually assaulted and I LET it happen" Then, I started to hyperventilate and cry --although I did not let a tear fall. I wasn't about to end my no-crying streak. Anyway-- Which was STRANGE to me. I'm not usually a dramatic person when it comes to emotions, I don't show them most of the time, so I was so confused as to why I was acting this way. The thing that confused me the most was that; I've said those exact same words before and I've talked about this subject before. Sometimes it did get me emotional talking about it, only really w/ my therapist, but as I've said; I usually mock myself when I have strong emotions, so degrading myself in this manner was normal to me. But this time, it had such a strong affect on me.

I always thought most trigger words were stupid, and I didn't understand how certain words could even be triggers, so now I feel retarded.

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"What's the point?"

The point, my dear, is to be tortured by the beautiful, yet deadly, experience titled life. To test your will. To test your persistence. To test your determination. Until the point where you can handle it no longer.

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Dude.