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We are a community of people mobilizing America to reimagine public high school.

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Mike B - One of the most inspiring videos in our EdD course seen to date was the interview with Larry Rosenstock - Principal of a charter school in S. Cal.  His work with project based learning and providing "supportive spaces" - so awesome

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Mike B - One of the most inspiring videos in our EdD course seen to date was the interview with Larry Rosenstock - Principal of a charter school in S. Cal.  His work with project based learning and providing "supportive spaces" - so awesome

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Bertha - look in the mirror to find reflection - you can't go home, but you can't stay here.

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Bertha - look in the mirror to find reflection - you can't go home, but you can't stay here.

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Kammie - Love the creativity and innovation of the white board video - Miya - AWESOME job!

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Kammie - Love the creativity and innovation of the white board video - Miya - AWESOME job!

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Kammie Presentation: Love the RSA white board movie.  Very creative.  Mini Notes Day!  Well done

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Kammie Presentation: Love the RSA white board movie.  Very creative.  Mini Notes Day!  Well done

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Kimberly Presentation:  Sharing control and righting wrongs.  Good connection to decolonization article

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Kimberly Presentation:  Sharing control and righting wrongs.  Good connection to decolonization article

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loved the Pixar themed presentation from Loke, Leslie, Mike - Nice tie in of Dyer + Catmull + Decolonization and the connection to creativity and the illustration that "anyone can cook" ala Ratatouille" - great group presentation

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loved the Pixar themed presentation from Loke, Leslie, Mike - Nice tie in of Dyer + Catmull + Decolonization and the connection to creativity and the illustration that "anyone can cook" ala Ratatouille" - great group presentation

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New way to look at incorporating technology into learning.  Cell phone use in schools associated with addiction - fascinating. Mandatory use of cellphone and technology in daily learning.

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"Schools may need a new definition of engagement for cell phones." - Angie - That's powerful -something that I think we also need to consider at the higher ed level.

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cellphone use vs. engagement, hmmm...  Nice presentation Angie.  Space for daily 'support' - like the 'ticket out the door' idea to 'guide' constructive use of smart phones

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cellphone use vs. engagement, hmmm...  Nice presentation Angie.  Space for daily 'support' - like the 'ticket out the door' idea to 'guide' constructive use of smart phones

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Cari - who would have thought that workplace gossip could be considered from the gossipers perspective and what they are trying to accomplish, when they gossip. Great presentation and definitely a need to balance gossip and networking.

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Kay's presentation - Idea oriented - excited by the unique approach to DIY - the concept of depth and breadth as a way to develop ideas.

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Mike B - Kay's presentation:  adults as life-long learners; when you reflect on what you want to learn it affects how we learn, and may lead us to a different community of learners.

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Mike B - Kay's presentation:  adults as life-long learners; when you reflect on what you want to learn it affects how we learn, and may lead us to a different community of learners.

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by Judy Ringer

[Watch a short video about difficult conversations]

Think of a conversation you've been putting off. Got it? Great. Then let's go.

There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial, challenging, fierce, important (you get the idea) conversations. (In fact, I list several excellent resources at the end of this article). Those times when you know you should talk to someone, but you don't. Maybe you've tried and it went badly. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make the situation worse. Still, you feel stuck, and you'd like to free up that stuck energy for more useful purposes.

What you have here is a brief synopsis of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during the conversation; and some tips and suggestions to help you stay focused and flowing in general, including possible conversation openings.

You'll notice one key theme throughout: you have more power than you think.

Working on Yourself: How To Prepare for the Conversation

Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions:

1. What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do you hope to accomplish? What would be an ideal outcome? Watch for hidden purposes. You may think you have honorable goals, like educating an employee or increasing connection with your teen, only to notice that your language is excessively critical or condescending. You think you want to support, but you end up punishing. Some purposes are more useful than others. Work on yourself so that you enter the conversation with a supportive purpose.

2. What assumptions are you making about this person's intentions? You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that this was the speaker's intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.

3. What "buttons" of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your "backstory," as they say in the movies. What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you'll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.

4. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it? If you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness.

5. Who is the opponent? What might he be thinking about this situation? Is he aware of the problem? If so, how do you think he perceives it? What are his needs and fears? What solution do you think he would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.

6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?

7. How have you contributed to the problem? How has the other person?

4 Steps to a Successful Outcome

The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No matter how well the conversation begins, you'll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy. Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you become off center-and choose to return again. This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm, centered state, you'll help your opponent/partner to be more centered, too. Centering is not a step; centering is how you are as you take the steps. (For more on Centering, see the Resource section at the end of the article.)

Step #1: Inquiry

Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you don't know anything (you really don't), and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and his point of view. Pretend you're entertaining a visitor from another planet, and find out how things look on that planet, how certain events affect the other person, and what the values and priorities are there.

If your partner really was from another planet, you'd be watching his body language and listening for unspoken energy as well. Do that here. What does he really want? What is he not saying?

Let your partner talk until he is finished. Don't interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don't take it personally. It's not really about you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You'll get your turn, but don't rush things.

Step #2: Acknowledgment

Acknowledgment means showing that you've heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make his argument for him. Then do it. Explain back to him what you think he's really going for. Guess at his hopes and honor his position. He will not change unless he sees that you see where he stands. Then he might. No guarantees.

Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. It's fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, in an argument with a friend, I said: "I notice I'm becoming defensive, and I think it's because your voice just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. I'm not trying to persuade you in either direction." The acknowledgment helped him (and me) to re-center.

Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate. My saying, "this sounds really important to you," doesn't mean I'm going to go along with your decision.

Step #3: Advocacy

When you sense your opponent/partner has expressed all his energy on the topic, it's your turn. What can you see from your perspective that he's missed? Help clarify your position without minimizing his. For example: "From what you've told me, I can see how you came to the conclusion that I'm not a team player. And I think I am. When I introduce problems with a project, I'm thinking about its long-term success. I don't mean to be a critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to address these issues so that my intention is clear."

Step #4: Problem-Solving

Now you're ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your opponent/partner what he thinks might work. Whatever he says, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the other's point of view usually creates safety and encourages him to engage. If you've been successful in centering, adjusting your attitude, and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.

Practice, Practice, Practice

The art of conversation is like any art-with continued practice you will acquire skill and ease.

Here are some additional tips and suggestions:

A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly influence what you say.

Acknowledge emotional energy-yours and your partner's-and direct it toward a useful purpose.

Know and return to your purpose at difficult moments.

Don't take verbal attacks personally. Help your opponent/partner come back to center.

Don't assume your opponent/partner can see things from your point of view.

Practice the conversation with a friend before holding the real one.

Mentally practice the conversation. See various possibilities and visualize yourself handling them with ease. Envision the outcome you are hoping for.

How Do I Begin?

In my workshops, a common question is How do I begin the conversation? Here are a few conversation openers I've picked up over the years-and used many times!

I have something I'd like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.

I'd like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I'd like to get your point of view.

I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?

I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)? If the person says, "Sure, let me get back to you," follow up with him.

I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I'd like to hear your thinking on this.

I'd like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different ideas about how to _____________________.

I'd like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.

Write a possible opening for your conversation here:

Good luck! Has this article has been useful? Please let me know.

Download the pdf version of We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations

Resources

Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict, by Judy Ringer
The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum
Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
Crucial Conversations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
FAQs about Conflict, by Judy Ringer

About the Author

Judy Ringer is a conflict and communication skills trainer, black belt in Aikido, and founder of Power & Presence Training and Portsmouth Aikido. Would you like free tips and articles every month? Subscribe to Ki Moments!

Connect with Judy via: Email | Twitter | Google+ | Facebook | LinkedIn

Note

You're welcome to reprint all or parts of this article. Please include "About the Author" text, and a link to my Website. If you have any questions, send me a note at judy@judyringer.com.

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We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations

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Watch a short video about difficult conversations] Think of a conversation you've been putting off. Got it? Great. Then let's go. There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial, challenging, fierce, important (you get the idea) conversations. (In fact, I list several excellent resources at the end of this article).

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I like the Wise Mind discussion and connection to emotional intelligence

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I like the Wise Mind discussion and connection to emotional intelligence

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Cari -- I love how you take a topic and learn as much about it as you can about it, and then relate it to your life and what we are learning. Interesting approach to very real topic, which most people don't want to admit to.

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http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/06/17/482203447/invisibilia-how-learning-to-be-vulnerable-can-make-life-safer

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Mike B - Linnea's Presentation - Love the sense of humor included in the lessons learned!  Creativity and "notes day" at Pixar = no rank!  Creating "space" in my head.  Great observation!  

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Mike B - Linnea's Presentation - Love the sense of humor included in the lessons learned!  Creativity and "notes day" at Pixar = no rank!  Creating "space" in my head.  Great observation!  

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Mike B - Dana's "Extended Learning Time" presentation - Schools need for structural and organizational revisions; need to be willing to fail/take risks

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Mike B - Dana's "Extended Learning Time" presentation - Schools need for structural and organizational revisions; need to be willing to fail/take risks

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Mike B - The Networking Assignment for me was eye-opening and very useful.  It has reminded me to reconnect with contacts and to expend my networks to diverse and far-reaching connections.  Discussing the problem-solving skills of my contact, helped me look at my problem in a different way.

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Mike B - The Networking Assignment for me was eye-opening and very useful.  It has reminded me to reconnect with contacts and to expend my networks to diverse and far-reaching connections.  Discussing the problem-solving skills of my contact, helped me look at my problem in a different way.

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Mike S -- Your networking interview sounds like a great example for how to bring ideas from one world into another. Great example of stretching beyond your comfort zone and finding positives you could incorporate in your profession.

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Mike B - Teacher Satisfaction and Turnover - challenging problems to retain good teachers; good point about needing better (Hawaiian) cultural awareness and good question about what that means.  Counseling (and other resources) for Firefighters example was interesting to tie to support for teachers.

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Mike B - Teacher Satisfaction and Turnover - challenging problems to retain good teachers; good point about needing better (Hawaiian) cultural awareness and good question about what that means.  Counseling (and other resources) for Firefighters example was interesting to tie to support for teachers.

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"Idea networking vs resource networking." -- Leslie.

Understanding how we adapt and construct knowledge ultimately allows us to face our fears, denials and desires of what we want to or wish we knew how to do (Decolonization framework).

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Importance of taking a step back and analyzing issue before jumping to solve the problem.
Dyer, Gregersen and Christensen's skills really help with innovation.
Sifting through ideas to understand everything is important.
Associating was used to grow ideas to think about problem.
Innovative thinking can really help address issues!!!

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I never considered networking outside of my field to solve professional problems. My weak connection not only gave me great ideas but in introduced me to other weak connections that are a wealth of knowledge in various fields.

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Innovation through necessity (i.e. Kelvin) shows anyone can be creative and innovate. And, creativity/innovation can come from any passion and make an impact on something bigger than your own small world.

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The importance of decolonizing the mind strikes me as an important take away, Hard to beat systemic disenfranchisement if you can't see from the outside in.

Networking and Observing was pretty cool. I learned a lot after I got over the weirdness of watching people and writing notes.

I also learned a lot from interviewing a person from another profession

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I found that this class helped to open to my mind about of perspectives.

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I found that this class helped to open to my mind about of perspectives.

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prior to the innovation challenge. We found that the HÅ framework is a big undertaking and to have a solution for such a lofty problem within the span of this class or even a 3 year plan for implementation is a big goal. We would suggest to take it one step at a time, meaning one piece at a time. So first introducing what HÅ is and starting to implement each faction of the 6 themes every year and building on that foundation piece yearly.

Some of the factors that informed our idea development were time limitations, perspectives of different stakeholders.

I believe the most impactful part of this innovation challenge has been my perspective on what is an innovative and creative way to approach education. We often complain about how we as a HI DOE or an indigenous people lack the relationship between education and our history and this framework provides a solution for such needs.

Freire (1993) asserts, ...the oppressed become the oppressors and must break the chains of the oppressor to have true freedom.

I’ve learned that through this process we must reflect too on our mindset, as Dweck (2006) likes to explain  if we approach anything we do with a growth mindset we can accomplish much more then we would have with a fixed mindset.

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Understanding the importance of networking and especially networking with individuals outside of my field has become hugely beneficial to my tool set. I realize how important analyzing ideas and innovation in other fields can transfer to new avenues.

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Mike B - the Persistent Experimentation video with Kelvin was inspiring.  Innovation and creativity can come from places where you do not expect to find it.  It does not only come from those in positions of privilege.

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Mike B - the Persistent Experimentation video with Kelvin was inspiring.  Innovation and creativity can come from places where you do not expect to find it.  It does not only come from those in positions of privilege.

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Encourage wild ideas... creativity and innovation as DJ Focus described is universal and an opportunity for anyone.

What a great opportunity for networking, sharing ideas and developing relationships. Great job, Rose and Joel.

Questioning as Catmull described was invigorating, rewarding, and fostered a creative culture among the tutor center staff.

Facilitating learning though building self-efficacy of students.

Teacher attrition at 41%... innovation is definitely needed.  Everyone can acknowledge a problem, the key is ability to look at problems from multiple perspectives - Awesome, Mike.

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Networking: very important component for effective change to occur. Persistence pays off, privilege isn't necessary for innovation to develop into success.
Focused chaos is useful and necessary when innovating!

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I have to keep reminding myself not to come up with a solution. Part of being creative is just the ability to look at things from a different perspective. It was a good reminder to be Idea oriented not solution oriented. Not everyone can solve the problem, but if you can help the process by proposing new ideas, that is still a valuable part of the problem solving process.

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Takeways:
Be open and prepare for the Innovation Explosion!
Creativity and Innovation can be driven by attitude which results in actions.

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Linnea
Key takeaways were about downtime and uptime, and how our brain needs both. Also having time to process and reflect to increase creativity was very interesting.  I also liked the idea of system-hacking as method of working within a system, which many of us may do, but also consciously  changing it.

I found the idea that pausing when we find ourselves a solution mode to be very helpful.
To examine what something represents, instead of how to solve it, that would help to create a reflective space.

I like the idea of adapting to the learner environment as presented by the DIY movement, and how we adapt our space to what we need.

Amazing to watch the RSA presentation, I am surprised - and then not surprised, that it took so much prep time.  Wow.

I thought the idea of having a mandatory cell phone use policy was very innovative.  Boundaries, create better self-control, that is interesting.

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Takeaways:
Creativity and innovation is the result of hard work and persistence.  Failure is okay and we must learn from mistakes. Networking provides opportunity for innovation and growth. Pixar Notes Day was fabulous to read.

Presentation Joel and Rose:
Joel realized the importance of networking. Rose understood the importance of decolonizing the mind.

Presentation Leslie, Loke, and Mike:
Good application of Innovator's DNA (AQONE).  Fascinating approach to addressing your challenge of the increased demand for tutoring with less funding. Enjoyed your pitch!

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The networking project was so valuable because it helped me to have an entirely new perspective on my innovation challenge. I'm trying to brainstorm ways on how I can connect/network with more diverse people to help me with my profession.
Presentation takeaway: "Ignore and check ourselves" Loke. I need to do this more!

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DJ Focus--Recognize others--Look for passion in all places; Sit with the system--be taught by the experiment process--deal with successes and failures--Sarah
Hargadon's strong and weak ties is an invaluable concept towards being innovative!
Loke--important to step back when identifying the problem; questioning is a tool for creative problem solving--pushing the 5 whys--helps create safe space--gave a feeling that all ideas were safe in that space; clean space to be creative!
Mike B.--talking to others outside of circle of sphere
Leslie--not everything is known or knowable--Decolonization article; idea networking--mutual sharing; bridging distance worlds;
Dr. Green--self-efficacy--empowering the individual--its about the learning.
Mike Strum--What is the role of cultural study (?)is  in teacher retention in Hawaii?--incorporate Kupuna in the classrooms--collaborate with teachers; look at problems from all angles and come up with solution together. It is important to understand--what is my role.
Dana-- try failure, learn, failure, learn,
Linnea--creating a safe space for everyone; creating space in my head; have down time to let the idea gel.
Cari--there are many different styles of communication; best we can do is improve ourselves--look at emotional intelligence.
Dr. Green--gossip has a mistaken goal; figuring out what the gossiper may need; when we gossip is damaging--redirect
Cari--organizations pushing mindfulness; Kay--DC--difficult conversations
Kay--the flexibility of the learner in a new environment; be focused on the root of the problem--be more idea solution minded
Damien--at the end of the day we all pay; weak ties turn to strong ties
Angie--being on cellphones does not mean you are disengaged; --mandatory cellphone policy--space for daily and long...have mentors for social media use--help develop self-regulation
Kim--anyone can innovate; you have to have a leader to let go--give people power--teach them that they are valued and respected; let go, share control
Dr. Green--have them accountability
Bertha--there are many ways to attack a problem; Hospicing--clear space to look at the problem differently; take the team approach--be the mirror; important to keep the connections (networking)--look a things from different perspectives--you need to be constantly moving forward
Mike Sherman--education viewed with culture first--look at culture and identity maintained first--Learning time all day; learning comes from these experiences (8 a.m. to 3 p.m.) could also be via e-school and bring in athletics; take away is meeting the needs of all types of students; truly educate the population; dream is to create TV show; :

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Having a foot in many worlds really allows you to bridge worlds and make connections where none may have existed before. Be a connector!

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Understanding the importance of Networking and the information you can from gain from the perspective of others.

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The single biggest impression for me was how networking can play a large role with innovation and creativity.