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There are some things that I know about myself but wouldn't like to admit. The reason why I point out my flaws is so that I can bring awareness to myself and figure a way to understand why and how I can change those traits of mine. Ever since I was a child, I've had some people call me stubborn, and I would always be in denial of that, but it took me 18 years to realise that I can be stubborn at times, especially when something doesn't go my way. I tend to back off and quit instead of listening to the other person. I've tried to not let my stubbornness get in the way because it's affected my career in a way, and I've definitely learned my lesson.  Another "flaw" of mine that I immensely hate but can't control is my overthinking. I overanalyse every decision I make in life, and question everything even after I've made my decision. I also realise that I treat my relationships like a mechanic, constantly running diagnostics. Everyone overthinks, but I feel like mine can get a little overboard to the point where I allow it to affect my mood. Sometimes I overthink about situations way too often to the point where I'm convinced the flaws outnumbers the good, and that has brushed plenty of opportunities off the table for me. The last "flaw" that I have, is that I can't stand seeing people who has hurt me in the past be happy. It triggers me a tad bit whenever I spot someone who has done anything to betray my in the past live their life in joy. I realise by doing that I'm holding grudges against that person, which isn't exactly healthy for my mental health. I speak about forgiveness so easily, but when it comes to doing it, it gets pretty tough. It's a work in progress though, I'm trying my best to practice what I preach. Nobody's perfect, and that's okay.

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I had a nightmare recently, and it wasn't anything paranormal. The dream felt so real, I felt every emotion that went through my body in that dream, I was sweating in my sleep, think I might've cried as well, but during the dream I could feel my body desperately trying to wake up but with each attempt, I failed. What happened in the dream was: I was in a party with my friends and someone offered us some MDMA. The dream started out really fun, until we lost control of our intake and took too much. I could feel my body getting weaker, and weaker, to the point where I felt like I couldn't stand and had an overdose attack. I felt close to death, I even imagined being in the afterlife, and all I could see was my mom in the clouds. It's like what you imagine heaven would be, but having a projected surveillance in there of your loved ones. For mine, I saw my mom. She was in tears, shaking my unresponsive body to wake up. I heard her screams and cries, all I could hear was "wake up", "wake up", "wake up", but I knew that I was dead and I couldn't do anything to help her with her sorrow. In that dream, I woke up and realised that I was having hallucinations. I wasn't dead, but I was having a bad trip. My friends told me that my body was paralysed and that hallucinations can feel real. I felt so relieved but so saddened at what could've possibly happened. The chances of me overdosing that night was so high, and the hallucinations I imagined could've been real. I started bawling my eyes out regretting my actions during the party. I quickly drove myself home to make sure that my mom's okay. When I arrived in the early morning, I opened the door and there she was sitting on the couch. Seconds later I was woken up by my alarm and I could still feel like I was living in the dream. The room felt super warm, my body was covered in sweat. My head filled with scrambled thoughts. After having that dream, I felt more alive than ever. I expressed my gratitude for existing, and for my mom's existence. I've never wished for death since then. I can't imagine causing that pain to my mother, and I can't imagine the pain of losing my mother. I'm more appreciative towards everything in life because I know that death isn't as beautiful as it sounds to some people.

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The photos attached below was taken on the month of July in 2019. This was the last vacation I've been to since the pandemic started, and it was in Phu Quoc, Vietnam. Phu Quoc's a newly developed island therefore there aren't much buildings there. It was mostly beaches and nature, which is my most favourable place to be in. I love being surrounded by nature, and this island was definitely one of the best getaways I've ever had. We stayed in this lovely resort that had a modern British aesthetic to it. In our villa, we had all access to the beach within a few footsteps away. The beach is held right outside our balcony, and what I loved about the beach is the silence that it had. All I could hear was waves, and just a few laughters from the happiest children building their little sandcastles. The amount of satisfaction I got from just sitting at the balcony is indescribable. I could feel the breeze and the wind on my skin each second I'm out, and it's overall just the best place to clear your head to get some mindfulness. We went to the only rooftop bar in Phu Quoc and that was when I saw the most beautiful sunset I've ever captured in my life. The colours of the sunset was just mesmerising, and it's a really rare sight. No other sunsets I've seen can defeat the sunsets in Phu Quoc, sadly, it was ruined by the storm after, but the skies were still beautiful nevertheless. I've never felt real contentment until I was there. I'm so glad that my grandparents tagged along with us there because that's probably the last time they'll ever be able to travel, they're growing old and they're losing their energy. I'm happy to be able to spend their last with them. I'm sure they enjoyed it as much as I did, because no other place can compare to the little island we went to. Since Phu Quoc wasn't fully developed by the time I went, there weren't much to explore other than the temples and markets, so we stayed at the resort most of the time. Having much time spent there, I did a lot of thinking, and the things I've wandered about had an impact on my mindset permanently. It's amazing how much a location can change your whole perspective towards life, and I'm so grateful to be able to spend my last vacation there with my family members as the last trip before the pandemic, no one knew it was coming. If only I had been more of a spiritual person then, I'd be able to make the most of it out of that trip. Phu Quoc is a place of serenity, I'd recommend visiting this island to anyone more than the overrated islands like Bali, Maldives, etc. You can't find peace and quiet there, but in Phu Quoc, you can.

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1. Appreciate every experience you've had because you can never get your time back.
2. Live in the moment, the present is all that matters.
3. Healing will only work with forgiveness & acceptance.
4. Waking up early in the morning increases productivity.
5. When there are ups and downs, there's progress..
6. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
7. Death shouldn't be feared
8. Practicing little habits lead to great success
9. You can't depend on motivation for your productivity, motivation doesn't come everyday.
10. Treat everyone like it's their last day on earth, you never know when their time is up.
11. If you can do something within 10 minutes, do it.
12. Time holds more value than money
13. Music is free therapy
14. Life is easier to get through if you open your mind
15. Your thoughts create your reality
16. Health should be everyone's number 1 priority
17. You were born alone, you'll die alone, all you've got is yourself, so take care of your three homes (mind, earth & body), don't depend on others to do that for you.
18. You can't look for the same person in anyone else.
19. Don't expect to heal in the places that hurt you.
20. Age doesn't determine a person's maturity level.

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If I could live anywhere in the world.....

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If I could live anywhere in the world.....

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It would be Bali. I'm a lover of Mother Nature and I admire being surrounded by the ocean. I've been to Bali several times when I was younger, and each time I was there, I felt so at peace. There's nowhere else I've been that has made me feel as peaceful like Bali had. My dream home is to live somewhere by the ocean, in a very silent area, surrounded by nature, and Bali is the perfect place to have that. Imagine waking up to a view of a beautiful orange horizon right above the clear blue waters, that feeling is priceless. Bali is a place of serenity, even the people from there are extremely nice. I'll only feel truly contentment when I get to live in my dream home there.

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Top 5 short term goals and top 5 long term goals. 

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Top 5 short term goals and top 5 long term goals. 

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TOP 5 SHORT TERM GOALS:
1. To be mastered at DJ-ing, so I can kickstart my side hustle from there.
2. Experiment with clothings of different aesthetic.
3. Going out of my comfort zone to explore the hidden sides of myself
4. To make five figures monthly.
5. Cutting down my nicotine intake.

TOP 5 LONG TERM GOALS:
1. To be financially stable so I can return the support for my mother.
2. Settling down in a quiet city near the beach and starting a new family there.
3. To be in a career of my best interest.
4. To do/make something iconic.
5. To live the lifestyle I've always wanted. (being truly happy, healthy & wealthy)

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We all learn something new everyday, but not every one of it will have an impact on your life. 6 months has passed since 2021 started. In each month, I've recorded down the things I've learned that would be good advice for my future self to look back to. The first one being; Ignoring your problems won't make things any better. Problems don't solve by themselves. The younger me would listen and forget about this right away, because I was ignorant towards anything that could cause me stress. However, in the first month of 2021, I decided to convince myself to look at "problems" the other way around. Problems arise, and they disappear. The only thing we can do is to sit down and solve it. Nothing beats the satisfaction of fixing the problem anyway. Whenever I procrastinate towards working on my problems, I'd think about how I'll feel after getting it done. This motivates me to get on with it to get it done and over with. The second thing I've learned in February is that having a clean space promotes my productivity. I remember cleaning up my room one day, and for the rest of the month, I felt so productive to do literally anything. I remember someone tweeting "your room is your sanctuary" and I can't agree with it more. I've finally found a solution to my procrastination, and although that requires a lot of effort,  it's worth the while. Third thing I've learned in March is that with patience and determination, comes success. I tend to quit things really fast when I'm not good at something, but I've learned that you can't achieve big things in just a day. If you put your attention to it everyday and work towards your goal, you'll see an improvement, and that will guarantee a success. Fourth thing I've learned in April is that money will return, experiences don't. Before I lived in a pandemic, I'd always be restrictive towards my spendings, and this pandemic made me realise that I've restricted myself from so many experiences, just because I was stingy with my cash. Fifth thing that I've learned in the month of May is that time holds more value than money. Everything we do for money requires our time. You can get more money, but you can't get back your time. I value my time more than money when it comes to work. Whenever my clients try to lowball me, I think of all the effort, skills & creativity that needs to be used for the project, and all of it cannot happen without using my time. Therefore, I'll only accept the rates that are worth it. The last thing that I've learned in this month of June, is to stop complaining and start doing. What does complaining gain you? Absolutely nothing. So instead of complaining and making up more reasons to slow down my progress/growth, I could instead start doing and get what I need to do done so I won't have to complain after. 2021 is the year of self-help, it's the year we all need to get back to our own shape and not get beat down by the grief of the pandemic. Therefore, it's very necessary to keep my mental health in check so that it doesn't deteriorate, because I need and want to get out of the pandemic stronger & better.

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1. My family being in good health.
2. My group of friends
3. Having a roof over my head
4. Being able to have food on my plate everyday
5. Being able to turn my passion into a career
6. My significant other <3
7. My dog
8. The existence of Lany & Lauv
9. Having the ability to be in control of my emotions
10. My creativity
11. Mother Nature
12. Having the financial stability to support myself financially
13. Meeting strangers that I can now call my best friends
14. My everyday morning coffee
15. Malaysia's healthcare system
16. My car for providing me with convenient transportation
17. Having clean water
18. Memories I've made with people overseas
19. My social media platforms
20. Beautiful sunrise & sunsets
21. The existence of technology so I can contact my beloved friends from other countries
22. Notch, because he invented Minecraft and that was my whole childhood
23. My hair curler, without that, I'd have a bad hair day everyday
24. My role models, Lauren Jauregui & Dua Lipa
25. Having open minded, accepting and understanding parents
26. My meditation playlist for providing me with lots of mindfulness
27. Earl grey tea
28. Melatonin to help me sleep at night
29. My skin care routine
30. Stable internet connection

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Hey hey it's Jovynn! Welcome to the world of me where you get to read how my mind works, let me introduce myself.
I'm nothing but an ordinary cancerian lady from Malaysia with a broad of interests that consists of; arts, music, fashion, beauty & spirituality.
I was born and raised in Klang, and I've recently just moved to Shah Alam. My passion for art grew during the early stage of my life.
As a child, any clean surface is a canvas for me to express my inner creativity. Music & fashion has always been one of my favourite hobbies as a child too, and I've only recently got to do something about that after creating my platform on TikTok. It started gaining a lot of attention and it's been life-changing as I get to express myself and gain new opportunities with it such as; creating my own clothing line & being presented an opportunity to attend DJ classes for free. I now do all of those as a hobby & a side hustle.
I create content on social media for a living - it's hard to explain, but it works to pay off my bills.
A year ago I had a spiritual awakening and ever since then, I've been more in tuned with my spiritual self as I started practicing meditation & mindfulness on a daily basis.
Being a spiritual person has been the best decision I've ever made in my life. Because of that, I've gained a more optimistic approach to life, and it has made it easier for me to get through all conflicts in my life. I appreciate the way it has opened my mind, and for that, I'd say it makes me have more of an outgoing personality and that has helped me to get along with people well, while also making me aware of the crowd that I choose to mix myself with.

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if only you had known to not waste your time searching for love. You've tried so hard to find the perfect love, when in reality, there's no such thing as a love that is perfect. There will always be flaws in every relationship, but I just wished that you knew how to save yourself from the hurting, that's okay though, experiences are part of the learning process in life. It shouldn't have been a priority of yours to be in love with someone, when all you needed was love for yourself. Before you start loving others, make sure to love yourself first because if not, you might potentially end up with someone who'd ruin the idea and perception of what you thought love was. Never rush for love because it will come to you during the most unexpected times, and as they say, the most unexpected ones turn out to be the best.

Don't give up on your passion due to the fear of judgement from others. People talk and people judge 24/7, so do you. What others think of you is non of your business. It shouldn't matter to you so much to the point where your dreams die down because of it. The more you strive towards your goal, you'll be impressed with the results you get out of it. At the end of the day, doing what makes you happy is what matters the most.

An escape from reality isn't very necessary. It's okay to feel your emotions and accept it with an open heart. Repressed emotions are not going to do you any good in the long run, you might've fell into bad habits & addictions that wouldn't benefit your emotional health any better. They're only temporary healers, you should've known you were playing games with the devil. You'll grow out of it though, and eventually find yourself living better without it. Like I said, experiences are part of the learning process in life.

Change isn't always necessarily bad. It may feel a little uncomfortable at first, but you'll slowly get used to it and realise that it was for the better.

Everything you do & experience was all meant to happen in life to get to where you are now. You'll grow up to be the stronger woman than you were yesterday. I wished you knew sooner to look for the positive in every negative situations so  it'd make it easier for you to get through your rainy days.

Sincerely,
the future you.