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Teaching Assertiveness in Secondary Classrooms

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Teaching Assertiveness in Secondary Classrooms

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Lesson sets containing 25 instructional activities with companion student workbooks.

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This series of short videos was created to help explain assertiveness concepts to students in Grades 7–12. The videos work in conjunction with the secondary curriculum available here. After watching each 2–3-minute video, discuss the concepts with your students.

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Teaching Assertiveness in Primary & Intermediate Classrooms

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Teaching Assertiveness in Primary & Intermediate Classrooms

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Lesson sets contain 25 instructional activities with companion student workbooks.

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Elementary Assertiveness Videos

This series of short videos was created to help explain assertiveness concepts to students in grades K-6. The videos work in conjunction with the elementary curriculum available here. After watching each 2-3-minute video, discuss the concepts with your students.

Elementary ASRT 1: What is Assertiveness?

Elementary ASRT 2: Identify Communication Types

Elementary ASRT 3: Find My Feelings, Voice My Feelings

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Elementary Assertiveness Videos This series of short videos was created to help explain assertiveness concepts to students in grades K-6. The videos work in conjunction with the elementary curriculum available here. After watching each 2-3-minute video, discuss the concepts with your students. Elementary ASRT 1: What is Assertiveness?

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Improving Your Child’s Respectful Communication: Building Assertiveness [Primary]

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Improving Your Child’s Respectful Communication: Building Assertiveness [Intermediate]

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Research Guide (Grades PreK–6): Assertiveness

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Research Guide (Grades PreK–6): Assertiveness

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The College and Career Competency Framework, developed by Drs. Gaumer Erickson and Noonan, supports educators in systematically embedding intrapersonal, interpersonal, and cognitive competencies into course content.

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Assertiveness Student Videos

This series of five videos was created to help explain assertiveness concepts to students in grades 7-12. The videos work in conjunction with the middle and high school curriculum available here. After each 2-3-minute video, discuss the concepts with your students.

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Assertiveness Student Videos This series of five videos was created to help explain assertiveness concepts to students in grades 7-12. The videos work in conjunction with the middle and high school curriculum available here. After each 2-3-minute video, discuss the concepts with your students.

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Speak Up by Miranda Paul and Ebony Glenn / Children's Story Time Read Aloud

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The Not-So-Friendly Friend by Christina Furnival

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The Not-So-Friendly Friend by Christina Furnival

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Improving Your Child’s Respectful Communication: Building Assertiveness [Secondary]

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Be a Whole Body Listener by Jack Hartmann

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Be a Whole Body Listener by Jack Hartmann

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Be a Whole Body Listener | Jack Hartmann

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Research Guide (Grades 7–12): Assertiveness

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Research Guide (Grades 7–12): Assertiveness

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A Little Spot of Feelings by Diane Alber

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A Little Spot of Feelings by Diane Alber

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📖🔍 A Little Spot of Feelings - Emotion Detective By Diane Alber READ ALOUD

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10 Practical Tips to Teach Kids How to Be Assertive, Plus Worksheets

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10 Practical Tips to Teach Kids How to Be Assertive, Plus Worksheets

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Assertiveness for Kids (Worksheets): 10 Practical Tips to Teach Kids How to Be Assertive

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Assertiveness for Kids: 10 Tips to Teach Assertive Communication to Kids and help improve social interactions and self-esteem

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Things I Can Control and Those I Can't Control

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Things I Can Control and Those I Can't Control

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Things I can control and those I can't control

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Rubric for Student Self-Assessment of Collaborative Work

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Rubric for Student Self-Assessment of Collaborative Work

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Barometer—Taking a Stand on Controversial Issues

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Barometer—Taking a Stand on Controversial Issues

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This teaching strategy was originally designed for use in a face-to-face setting. For tips and guidance on how to use this teaching strategy in a remote or hybrid learning environment, view our Taking Barometer Online video and our Take a Stand Routine.
The Barometer teaching strategy helps students share their opinions by asking them to line up along a continuum based on their position on an issue. It is especially useful when you want to discuss an issue about which students have a wide range of opinions. Because a Barometer activity gets many arguments out on the table, it can be an effective pre-writing exercise before an essay assignment.

1. Prepare the Space
Identify a space in the classroom where students can stand in a line or a U-shape. Place "Strongly Agree" and "Strongly Disagree" signs at opposite ends of a continuum in your room. Alternatively, you can post any statement at one end and its opposite at the other end of the line.

2. Contract with Students
Set a contract for this activity. Since it deals with students literally putting themselves and their opinions on the line, it has the potential to promote outbursts that result from some individuals not understanding how classmates can hold whatever opinion they hold. Reiterate your class rules about respect for the opinions and voices of others, and call for students to be honest but not insulting. Re-address ways to constructively disagree with one another, and require that when students offer their opinion or a defense of their stance, they speak using "I" language rather than the more accusatory "you."

3. Students Formulate an Opinion
Give students a few minutes to reflect on a prompt or prompts that call for agreement or disagreement with a particular statement. You might have students respond to the prompt(s) in their journals.

4. Students "Take a Stand"
Ask students to stand on the spot along the line that represents their opinion, telling them that if they stand at either extreme, they are absolute in their agreement or disagreement. They may stand anywhere between the two extremes, depending on how much they do or do not agree with the statement.

5. Students Explain Positions
Once students have lined themselves up, ask them in turn to explain why they have chosen to stand where they are standing. Encourage students to refer to evidence and examples when defending their stance. It is probably best to alternate from one end to the middle to the other end, rather than allowing too many voices from one stance to dominate. After about three or four viewpoints are heard, ask if anyone wishes to move. Encourage students to keep an open mind; they are allowed to move if someone presents an argument that alters where they want to stand on the line. Run the activity until you think that most or all voices have been heard, making sure that no one person dominates.

6. Debrief
There are many ways you can debrief this exercise. You can have students reflect in their journals about how the activity changed or reinforced their original opinion. Or you can chart the main "for" and "against" arguments on the board as a whole-class activity.

Forced Decision: Yes, No, or Undecided: Read a statement aloud. Rather than have a continuum for agreement, require students to make a decision about whether they "agree" with the statement, "do not agree," or "are unsure" about their agreement. If students agree with the statement, instruct them to move to one side of the room. If students disagree with the statement, instruct them to move to the other side of the room. Designate a place for students to stand near the middle if they are undecided or unsure. Have students explain why they are standing where they are standing. If after hearing another student's position a student would like to move across the room, allow for this movement.

Post-It Notes Barometer: Draw a continuum on the board. Ask students to place a sticky note on the spot along the continuum that represents their opinion. Then have students discuss what they notice about the collection of notes. This variation is less about individuals explaining their point of view than about illustrating the range of agreement or disagreement in the class.

Presenting Different Perspectives: The Barometer strategy can be used to present the different perspectives of historical figures, schools of thought, and literary characters. Assign students a perspective to represent. Then give them time to research or study the ideas of this person or group in relation to the question being studied. When you frame a statement, ask students to stand along the line at a position that represents how their assigned individual or group would respond. For example, you could use this activity to show how different philosophers or groups have responded to the statement "Individual freedom is more important than protecting the needs of the larger community."

Remote Learning: Taking Barometer Online: Learn how to implement the Barometer teaching strategy in an online learning environment. This strategy asks students to take a stand on an issue in an online class discussion.

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Barometer: Taking a Stand on Controversial Issues

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This teaching strategy was originally designed for use in a face-to-face setting. For tips and guidance on how to use this teaching strategy in a remote or hybrid learning environment, view our Taking Barometer Online video and our Take a Stand Routine.

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Uploaded by Research Collaboration on 2015-12-11.

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Active Listening - Katie Owens at TEDxYouth@Conejo

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Active Listening - Katie Owens at TEDxYouth@Conejo

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Active Listening: Katie Owens at TEDxYouth@Conejo

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College and Career Competency Sequence: Assertiveness

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College and Career Competency Sequence: Assertiveness

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Assertiveness Assessment Suite: Technical Report

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Assertiveness Assessment Suite: Technical Report

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Assertiveness Training for Children (Grades PreK–3)

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Assertiveness Training for Children (Grades PreK–3)

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Assertiveness Training for Children

By Leah Davies, M.Ed.

Educators want children to be able to stand up for themselves and learn to interact well with their peers. Teaching them to be assertive and self-confident, as opposed to being aggressive or submission, contributes to their social and emotional development.

Children who are aggressive blame, name call, threaten or fight with their peers. They are combative because they often lack social skills. These children need to learn better ways to interact with others or they will continually have difficulty developing positive relationships(see Educator's Guide to Bullying).

If children are submissive, they may become targets for bullies. These children need to be taught that it is okay to say "no" if a child or adult attempts to harm them with words or deeds. They need to be able to identify their feelings, learn how to express themselves, and believe that they have rights. The more children trust and value themselves, the more likely they will be able to avoid bullying.

How can educators help children learn to be assertive?

1. Teach the difference among aggressive, submissive and assertive remarks. For example:

Aggressive (being mean): "Give me that book or you're going to get it!"

Submissive (being weak): "You can have my book. I don't need it."

Assertive (being strong): "I'm reading this book now. You may have it when I'm finished."

2. Have them practice looking a bully in the eye and saying "No!" with a strong voice (see Teaching Children Refusal Skills). They could also state what they want. For example, "No, I want you to leave me alone," or "No, I need to do my work."

3. Explain that they have a choice of how to respond to another person's comments or to situations (see Making Choices Activity).

4. Teach children how to ask for something (see 24 Ideas for Instilling Manners in Children). For example, "May I have that book when you're finished?" and how to respond to requests in a polite manner, "You may have it after me."

"I" Messages

Teach children that if they are physically threatened or feel afraid they need to tell an adult (see Tattling Versus Reporting). However, encourage them to work out other relationship problems themselves. Explain that the use of "I messages" helps children deal with their difficulties in an assertive way. It may be necessary to provide a lesson on identifying feelings (seeKelly Bear Feelings book) prior to teaching the following "I message" format:

I feel ... (state the feeling)

when you ... (describe the action)

because I ... (say why)

Optional last sentence: I want/need or would like you to ... (say what would make things better). For example, "I feel angry when you take my book without asking, because I don't do that to you! I need you to stop taking my things."

Explain that when children begin a statement with "I" rather than "You," they are standing up for themselves and are being assertive rather than mean or aggressive. Tell them that sending an "I message" is a way to let others know how they feel. An "I message" does not judge, attack or cause annoyance like a "You message."

Then, place the "I" message format on the board and have the children form "I" messages in response to some of the following situations:

A child is ignored at the lunch table. ("I feel sad when you won't talk to me because I thought we were friends.")

A child is told he/she must give up his snack or be beaten up. ("I feel angry when you threaten me because that's not how we are supposed to act at school.")

A child's friend is pestering him. (I feel frustrated when you keep bothering me because I can't get my work done.)

A child told a friend that his dad gets drunk a lot and the friend told all of the other children about it. ("I feel disappointed that you told people about my dad's drinking because I thought I could trust you!")

A child was purposely tripped and the other children laughed. ("I feel embarrassed when you laugh at me because nobody likes to be made fun of.")

Examples with the optional last sentence:

A child is left out of play. ("I feel unhappy when you won't let me play because I let you play when you ask. I want to play with you.")

A child has been called a bad name. ("I feel mad when you call me that because I don't call you or anyone else bad names. I need you to stop it!")

A child loaned a classmate a mechanical pencil and he/she would not return it. ("I feel upset when you won't return my pencil because I got it for my birthday and it's special to me. I would like you to give it back.")

A child is teased about being a slow learner. (I feel discouraged when you tease me about getting bad grades because I am trying to do my best. I want you to stop making fun of me!")

Have two puppets demonstrate "You" and "I" messages. For example, if Sam told a lie about Todd cheating, a "You" message Todd might say is,"You are a stupid liar! I didn't cheat!" Then have a puppet respond to the same situation with an "I" message. Todd could say, "I felt terrible when I heard that you said I cheated, because I would never tell a lie about you!" You could have the other puppet respond with, "I'm sorry I told that lie. I was just angry because you were playing with someone else. I'll tell those kids you didn't cheat."

You may also want to divide the students into pairs and have them practice saying "I" messages concerning problem situations you have observed (see Finding Solutions Through Peer Mediation). Afterwards, state that an "I" message can be used to express positive feelings, as well. For example, "I am so excited about getting to play with you after school because we have a lot of fun together."

Remind the children that being agreeable and letting other children have their way at times is also a needed skill. For example, if a child's friend seems to want to talk about something important, the other child could put aside his/her thoughts and just listen. Being flexible is desirable since the "I feel... when you... because I..." format will not fit all situations. Being assertive rather than aggressive or submissive takes practice and effort. Helping children learn to make assertive, confident statements concerning their feelings and desires will enhance their peer relationships and help create a more positive classroom atmosphere.

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Assertiveness Training for Children by Leah Davies, M.Ed.

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Teaching Kids Assertive Super Powers (Grades PreK–3)

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Teaching Kids Assertive Super Powers (Grades PreK–3)

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Welcome back to another week of the "Teaching Kids About Character: An Alphabetic Blogging Series. " This week's topic is X is for eXpresssive. When I think about the trait of being expressive, I automatically think about ASSERTIVE SPEECH.

Although I'm sure you know that much of communication can also be conveyed through gestures, body posture, and facial expressions, speech seems to hold a power greater than the others in today's world.

Choosing and using the right words can soothe, calm, befriend, inspire, define one's boundaries, and show empathy. Using the "wrong" words (or no words at all!) can damage relationships, cause mistrust, invite harm, or even damage your own self-esteem.

This trait out of all the ones we have covered in this series - scares me the most. I want so much for my son to be able to express his needs, wants, and feelings in a positive and assertive way to others.

The problem is, I am far from being the best model for my son in this area, having struggled all my life to learn to speak more assertively.

As it often seems, learning to parent my child, has a lot to do with learning about myself and growing to meet those needs.

Today's post is a reflection on some of the things I have learned so far, and things I will continue to work on, when it comes to teaching my son to express himself positively and effectively - an incredible SUPER POWER!

The Origins of Assertive Super Powers...

When my son, Onetime, was a baby, I focused on teaching him sign language. It was fun and he eventually learned close to 40 signs. It was fascinating to be able to hold "conversations" with him when he was barely able to babble. And I think it avoided a lot of frustration - as I could understand what he wanted and needed most of the time.

As Onetime became a toddler, and started to use words instead of signs, my emphasis shifted to making sure that he knew that I valued what he had to say.

If I didn't understand him at first, I asked questions, guessed what he was trying to communicate, and gave him my full and undivided attention when he was speaking.

In this past year, I have watched in fascination as my son has gone from 2 word sentences to some fairly complex, "adult-sounding" speech.

Now, I focus on expanding his vocabulary ("That truck wasn't just big, it was enormous! "), and more importantly, on modelling the nuances of social speech that will be necessary for him to establish positive relationships and negotiate conflict as he gets older.

How Can We Further Encourage These Powers?

After reflecting, reading, and researching, I composed a list of 5 situations where effective speech powers can make a real difference to a child's...dare I say it?...LIFE!

Super Power #1: Active Listening

Good listeners make good friends, good lovers, and good bosses! I talked about teaching kids the basics of active listening in the post F is for Friendly.

One thing I didn't cover in that post, was the importance of re-stating what someone says when you are having a discussion where you disagree with another person.

Basically, to show you have fully listened and understood what someone is saying, you can re-state the gist of what they have said, and then ask if you got it right.

To teach this power, I have been simply trying to use it with my son so he can learn how it works. (I also have to use it more with my husband when we disagree, but that's another post altogether!)

Listening My Way Out of a Potential Conflict...

For example, earlier today, my son and I were outside for a walk. It was a beautiful sunny Fall day here in Ontario, Canada and it was time to head inside for dinner.

Earlier this morning, we had raked up a huge pile of leaves on the front yard and Onetime didn't want to come inside. He wanted to jump and play some more!

After asking him to come inside, and him adamantly refusing, I asked him why he wanted to stay outside so badly. He said something like, "I want to jump in the leaves. They will all blow away tonight!"

So, I did the re-stating thing and said, "Oh...I see. You're worried that the leaves will blow away and you won't be able to jump in the big pile again tomorrow? Is that right?"

He nodded.

Then I expressed my concerns. "I'm worried that if we don't head inside soon and start supper, we'll get to bed too late tonight." He kind of looked at me and took in what I was saying.

Then, we had a quick chat about how if the leaves had blown out of the pile tomorrow, we could rake them back up again to jump in. After that, he was happy to have 2 more jumps and then came in without any further argument.

Sometimes, just feeling heard can make all the difference to how you feel, right?

My hope is eventually, if I do enough re-stating with my son, it will eventually become a part of his dialogue too.

Super Power #2: Protecting Physical Rights

Have you heard of the " personal bubble? "

It's defined loosely as the physical space around our bodies that we assume belongs to us and we become uncomfortable if people enter it with whom we are not closely intimate with. To read more, check out Wikipedia's article on personal space.

Everyone's personal bubble is a different size, and it can even differ between cultures.

It's important to realize that kids have the right to a personal bubble, and they can be taught to defend their physical bodies and their bubble effectively using words.

The Master of Bubble Defense

At the mall the other day, I overheard a little girl in the play area shout out, "DON'T hit me!" quite loudly. In fact, she said it a number of times while chasing the little boy away who had whacked her accidentally with his arm. It was quite amusing, as you can imagine!

I thought to myself, "Now, there's a kid who's not going to get picked on as she gets older!" At the age of 3, this girl already had a very strong sense of her personal bubble. She clearly knew her right for no one to touch her physical body without her permission.

Although she clearly got carried away, and probably began scaring the boy, the tone of her voice carried weight and I had to admire her.

Give your child these words to use (or something similar, maybe "I don't like being hit/pinched/poked/tickled!"). And talk with them about accidents and the intentions of others.

Other assertive phrases to teach your child:

"I need more space!" To use when their personal bubble is being invaded.

"No thanks. I don't like hugs/kisses." To use when they are uncomfortable giving out a hug or kiss to relatives, friends of the family, etc.

(This perfect phrase came from an excellent article on the Picklebums blog called, Please Don't Kiss Me: Respecting My Child's Personal Boundaries.)

Super Power #3: Protecting Emotional Rights

In addition to a personal space bubble, we also have an emotional bubble or boundary.

When people say or do things that hurt us or give us an uncomfortable reaction (usually felt in the pit of the stomach), an emotional boundary has been crossed.

It's important to teach our kids to listen to their gut feelings and to respond to them assertively. If they ignore these feelings and allow others to cross their boundaries, their self-esteem takes a negative hit. An obvious real-life example of this, especially for school-aged kids, is bullying.

As a teacher, I have consistently seen over the years, that the students that can defend themselves confidently verbally, are much less likely to be bullied than the kids who either say nothing to defend themselves, or emotionally react with anger or sadness.

Here are two fantastic sites with a whole slew of phrases you can teach to your child (and practise) to help them defend their emotional boundaries!
7 Parenting Solutions for Raising Assertive Kids Who Can Speak Up For Themselves Assertive Phrases for Standing Up to Bullying
Check out this earlier post of mine related to teaching kids to be CONFIDENT.

Super Power #4: Asking for Needs To Be Met

"I don't want to go today, Mommy!" said my son emphatically a few months ago. We were getting ready to go to the local play-center where I participate in parenting workshops and he is cared for by some fantastic ladies.

He usually loves going and I was surprised.

When I asked him why, he told me that they played the music too loud. My son is sensitive to loud noise and it often makes him uncomfortable or anxious.

After thinking about it for a second, I said, "What can you DO if the music is too loud today?"

He looked a little lost and so I suggested he cover his ears with his hands and we practised.

Then I asked, "What can you to the ladies if the music is too loud again?" and again, he looked at me with a clueless expression.

So I suggested he say something like, "I don't like the music. It's hurting my ears!" and we practised that.

When we got to the play center, I privately pulled one of the caregivers aside and explained the situation and what I had coached my son to do.

I asked her to be aware of my son's response and to help him assert himself if he seemed uncomfortable again. Before I left, I asked Onetime to show me again what he was going to do if the music bothered him and he did.

Did My Coaching Work?

After the workshop was done for the day, I went to pick up Onetime. His caregiver told me that he had used the phrase I had given him, as well as covered up his ears without any prompts from her.

I was really proud of my son and when I asked him how the play session had gone and if the music had bothered him again, he replied, "[It was] good. I covered my ears and said, I don't like loud music."

"What happened then?" I asked. And he told me that the ladies had turned the music down and it was fine.

The Power of "I" Statements

There is power in teaching children to use "I" statements from a young age.

When you start a sentence with, "I feel..." or "I think...", or "I don't like it when..." - no one can argue with that because we all have the right to our own unique feelings and thoughts.

An "I" statement doesn't place blame or criticize. It simply shares information.

However, it can have a powerful effect on others.

As I mentioned earlier, I fear I am not the best model in this area. So, I am personally focusing on trying to use I-statements when talking with my son, and within my family.

I figure that the more I work on assertively expressing myself, the more likely my son will come to learn this power himself.

Super Power #5: Saying "NO" Assertively

The last situation that I feel is really important for Onetime to learn how to handle positively is any time when he feels he has to say, "No" to maintain his safety or personal comfort.

You may have just had thoughts run through your head like...

"What? She wants to teach her son to say "No!" Don't toddlers and preschoolers do enough of that? Is she sadistic or just plain crazy!?"

Questioning Our Kids' Right to Say NO

Well, here's the thing though.

If we don't allow our children to say no to us sometimes (and have us respect their boundaries), they will never be able to stand up to their peers, potential abuse by future partners, bosses, or god-forbid, someone that wants to physically or sexually abuse them.

Maybe "No" isn't such a bad thing after all...

Maybe - when our kids tell us that they don't want to wear this, or do that, or eat this, or go there....maybe just sometimes - or maybe even many times - we need to listen and respect that?

Now there are always going to be times when our kids just have to do things they don't want to do, or that make them uncomfortable, or upset (and I've got some great strategies here to use in those situations).

But if we want our kids to learn to listen to their guts and be comfortable expressing their own limits, and standing up for them, we need to let them practise that skill from a young age.

Assertive Phrases to Teach

Teaching them simple non-offensive phrases to say like, "Thanks, but no thanks," and, "No thank you," and, "I'll think about it," and "I don't like..." will help them negotiate so many obstacles in the road of life.

If they learn that we value their personal boundaries, then they will come to believe and expect (correctly) that everyone should also respect their personal boundaries.

Sticking up for themselves and saying "No" when being offered a cigarette for the first time, or getting in a car with a drunk friend behind the wheel, or when asked if they want the proverbial "candy" by a stranger, will not be a foreign language.

Our kids will not be such easy prey.

Keeping our eyes always on how we want our kids to BE as teens and adults, and allowing those developing behaviours now, isn't always an easy task. But it's an important one - especially if we want our kids to grow up to be emotionally healthy and assertive.

And that brings us to the end of X is for eXpressive. If you enjoyed today's post, follow us on Facebook, Pinterest, Google+, Twitter and/or subscribe below to One Time Through to receive e-mail notifications of new posts.

To keep following our alphabetic journey, and to find all our posts from A to Z - visit our Character Series page.

Cheers to raising SUPER KIDS!

A big thanks to the PODcast blog for the inspiration for this series! Please check out their photographic alphabetic journey!

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Teaching Kids About Their ASSERTIVE SUPER POWERS! - One Time Through

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Welcome back to another week of the "Teaching Kids About Character: An Alphabetic Blogging Series. " This week's topic is X is for eXpresssive. When I think about the trait of being expressive, I automatically think about ASSERTIVE SPEECH.

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Building Assertiveness: How to Help Your Quiet Child Speak Up (Grades 4–8)

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Building Assertiveness: How to Help Your Quiet Child Speak Up (Grades 4–8)

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A fourth grade girl sits in my office, tears in her eyes. She had a really hard week. She struggles with anxiety and inattention in the classroom, and that makes learning difficult on a good week. That wasn't what brought her tears, though. She can cope with the mixed emotions that go hand-in-hand with learning problems. What made an average week terrible for this little girl was peer conflict.

"If I do what they say, they let me play with them. If I don't because I don't want to get in trouble, they walk away and tell me not to follow."

Caught between her morals (she generally makes good choices and tends to consider right from wrong before making choices) and her desire to remain part of a peer group she's known since kindergarten, she froze. To stand up to them was to risk losing them (for the day, anyway) but to follow the herd was to risk getting in trouble. She couldn't make a decision. In the end, they left her standing alone, too anxious to make a move.

This particular child is one of the quiet ones. She's introverted and tends to stick to a small peer group of trusted friends, and she almost never leads the group. She prefers to avoid conflict as much as possible and has difficulty stand up to her friends.

She's not alone. Many children struggle to assert their thoughts and feelings, even when they know that speaking up is the right thing to do. "Yes, our kids do have different temperaments and some are shyer and more sensitive," explains Michele Borba, Ed.D, author of Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. "The good news is that assertiveness is comprised of skills that can be taught."

Assertiveness skills play an important role in a variety of situations, from the playground to the classroom to a slumber party, but knowing how to stand up for yourself and others is especially important when it comes to bullying, teasing, peer pressure and other negative behaviors.

It's important to remember that building assertiveness skills takes time and practice. One role-play won't do the trick. Kids need to practice both at home and out in the world as much as possible. Although that might sound like a huge undertaking, it's actually fairly easy once you get into the assertiveness habit.

Try these strategies to help your quiet ones learn to stand up to negative behavior:

Talk about it.
All too often we tell kids what to do without actually giving them details on what we mean. "Be assertive" is a fairly bland statement. It lacks an explanation. I always encourage parents to discuss different communication styles with kids.

Passive: Passive communicators struggle to make eye contact, use a very quiet voice and act as if other peoples' rights are more important than their own.

Aggressive: Aggressive communicators are loud, imposing (they might try to stand taller than others) and act as if their rights are more important than the rights of others.

Assertive: Assertive communicators make eye contact, use a calm but firm voice and respect their own rights and the rights of others equally.

Use characters from books, TV and movies to illustrate these communication styles.

Model it.
Be the model you want your kid to copy," says Borba. "Stand up for your views, even if they may not be popular." This can be a tough one, especially when views clash.

The key is to model assertive communication skills. Teach your kids to follow these steps when asserting views:

Remain calm.

Make eye contact.

Use a clear, confident voice.

Listen.

There are times when we have to agree to disagree, but that doesn't mean that we silence our voices and sneak away. Practicing statements like, "I appreciate that you explained your point of view. I have a different opinion, but now I know where you're coming from," teaches kids that it's okay to disagree.

Use the mirror.
I often find that the quiet ones struggle to use assertive voice tone and assertive body posturing. They might learn to project their voices, but if they're looking down, the words will only hit the ground.

Have your child practice making assertive statements in the mirror.

Make eye contact in the mirror.

Stand tall.

Hold your shoulders back.

Keep your arms at your sides.

Have 3-5 assertive statements prepared to practice in the mirror. (Ex: "I don't want to play football. Are you interested in tag, instead?")

Practicing in the mirror gives kids a visual. By altering their body postures and facial expressions as they practice assertive statements, they can see what works and what doesn't.

Try realistic role-plays.
I once used a social skills game with a group of fourth grade girls who had difficulty getting along. The game lasted about five minutes. One role-play was more absurd than the next. On the bright side, they bonded over the ridiculous "real life scenarios" presented in the game. On the not-so-bright side, they all refused to act them out.

We took matters into our own hands, instead. Each child came up with five scenarios that required assertive communication and we put them in a hat. One-by-one, we worked through the scenarios (taken right from their own experiences), trying at least two solutions to each problem. The girls got really into it and helped each other when they got stuck. It worked. In the coming weeks they all reported on the solutions they put to use in the classroom and on the playground.

It's easier for kids to use role-play when the scenarios are realistic. Have your child come up with the problems and take turns acting as the bully and victim or aggressive and passive communicators. Practicing the problem from both sides can be eye opening for kids.

Play detective.
It's no big secret that kids love to watch other people when they're out and about. Kids take their cues from what they see out in the world. Try making a game of it. Ask if your child can find one passive communicator, one aggressive communicator and one assertive communicator the next time you're out and about (talk about this on the way home, of course). Ask them to describe which behaviors helped them categorize communication style.

Practice these strategies early and often. The more kids practice speaking up at home, the greater confidence and assertiveness they will have out in the world!

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Building Assertiveness: How to Help Your Quiet Child Speak Up

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A fourth grade girl sits in my office, tears in her eyes. She had a really hard week. She struggles with anxiety and inattention in the classroom, and that makes learning difficult on a good week. That wasn't what brought her tears, though.

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Assertiveness isn't necessarily innate. While it might come naturally to some people, it's largely a skill - and an important one at that for both adults and kids. According to Lisa M. Schab, LCSW, author of Cool, Calm and Confident: A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Assertiveness Skills, assertiveness is the "healthiest style of communication. Assertiveness involves recognizing and standing up for our own rights, while at the same time recognizing and respecting the rights of others."

Knowing how to defend yourself and respect others is especially relevant when it comes to bullying. As Schab said, "Kids who are genuinely confident and sure of themselves don't need to bully, and, those who are bullied can take better care of themselves."

Assertiveness works in all situations, giving kids guidelines for navigating everything from the playground to the slumber party, she said. It helps kids have healthy relationships and a solid self-esteem.

But just like adults, kids can have a tough time being assertive. One of the reasons assertiveness is difficult is because kids want to get what they want without the potential for pain, Schab said. "If we think that standing up for ourselves and asking for something directly might result in a 'no' for an answer and our egos can't take that, we do what we think will get us what we want," she said.

A child who wants to play a game with others but worries that asking nicely won't work might either wait passively on the sidelines or demand aggressively that she play, too, Schab said.

Examples of Being Assertive

What does assertiveness look like in kids? Take the example of a child who receives a poor grade on a paper, Schab said. A passive child might complain to his or her friends or talk badly about the teacher. An aggressive child might make a rude comment to the teacher or write something offensive on the chalkboard, she said. However, an assertive child requests to speak to the teacher after class, and might say, according to Schab: "I feel confused and upset because I worked really hard on this paper and my grade doesn't reflect that. Could you explain what I should have done differently, or give me a chance to make corrections?"

In another example, a child is waiting in line for the water fountain and a classmate pushes her out of the line. She responds by going back to her place in line and talking to the person who pushed her, Schab said. She might say calmly and confidently, "I think you wanted to get in line ahead of me, but I was waiting here and was ready to take my drink. You can get in line right after me if you want, but now it's my turn."

Schab heard a great story about a boy who's hearing impaired. His classmates were making fun of his shoes and making mean comments. Rather than running away and feeling bad about himself or yelling and starting a fight, he told them that he really liked his shoes and simply walked away. "This boy had enough confidence in himself to not be bothered by the immaturity of the other kids, and to let them know that in an appropriate manner," she said.

How to Help Kids be Assertive

Caregivers can model assertive behavior and teach kids directly. Both methods are effective, Schab said. "Parents can model assertiveness when interacting with family members, friends, making business calls, dealing with salespeople, or any person they have contact with during the course of the day." As Schab said, of course that means that you must have a good grasp of assertiveness yourself. But, again, fortunately, it's a skill you can learn and master. (Here's how to be more assertive.)

Teach your kids directly by helping them figure out situations as they come up, she said. If your little girl comes home from school crying because another child teased her on the bus, tell her how to handle the situation assertively, Schab said. If your little boy is being excluded from a game, coach him on how to speak up and stand up for himself, she said.

Also helpful are teaching tools. Schab said that libraries are loaded with assertiveness resources. Her book, for instance, Cool, Calm and Confident offers 40 activities to help kids handle teasing and bullying and build a healthy self-esteem.

Assertive kids usually become assertive adults. "[Assertiveness] fosters insight, wisdom, patience, tolerance, confidence and acceptance," Schab said. "It is the necessary building block to mature and peaceful relationships between all human beings."

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By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. ~ 3 min read

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Assertiveness isn't necessarily innate. While it might come naturally to some people, it's largely a skill -- and an important one at that for both adults and kids. According to Lisa M. Schab, LCSW, author of Cool, Calm and Confident: A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Assertiveness Skills, assertiveness is the "healthiest style of communication.

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Be Strong, Be Mean, or Give In? (Grades 3–5)

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Be Strong, Be Mean, or Give In? (Grades 3–5)

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Children meet situations every day in which they must decide how to balance their own interests in relation to the interests of other people:

You want to be alone, but a friend wants to be with you. What do you do?

A classmate teases you or calls you a name. How do you respond?

You're walking along a busy city street with your mom and decide you want an ice cream cone. You know your mom won't be enthusiastic about the idea. How do you ask?

Your family is having a conversation around the dinner table, and you have an opinion you'd like to state, but everyone is talking so fast. How do you get people to listen to what you have to say?

An older kid says you have to give him the cake from your lunch or he'll beat you up.

Two close friends ask you to join them in stealing money from another kid's backpack.

Your younger brother keeps bothering you when you're trying to do your homework.

In these situations, children need to know that they have choices. They can go on the attack. They can stand up for their interests or convictions. Or they can give in, going along with the other person's request, even though they don't want to. Adults call these choices "aggression," "assertiveness," and "submission." With children, we speak of being mean, being strong, and giving in.

Although we're partial to assertiveness, there is no one right way to respond to the myriad of complex situations children (or adults) confront daily. Sometimes we'll agree to "give in" and let a friend join us even if we really want to be alone. We may see that the friend is feeling blue and needs some companionship; or perhaps the friend has a compelling reason for spending time with us now - she's going away or has something important to tell us. Sometimes we may need to be very firm to get our point across to someone who just isn't getting it, and that person may experience us as mean.

Our aim is that children learn to think flexibly in order to come up with the approach that fits the situation and develop skills to carry it out. This means showing youngsters that they have a range of choices in any given situation and expanding their repertoire of ways to be strong. Too often children (and adults) in our society fall into the habit of being aggressive or submissive rather than taking the path that is usually most effective in the long run: assertiveness.

Like active listening, assertiveness is a stance toward life, a way of being in the world. Like active listening, assertiveness also involves a set of skills we can practice and improve. With young children (grades K-2) we focus on the most basic skills of assertiveness: saying no; and making a strong, clear, confident statement of what you want. With older children, we introduce additional strategies, such as "I-messages."

In the following two lessons, we apply ideas of assertiveness to the kinds of situations children face daily, and give them a chance to practice skills in standing up for themselves and being strong.

Lesson #1:

A Role Play on Choices

S tudents will:

observe a role play in which two friends are having a conflict

describe the problem and how the characters are feeling

identify the choices the characters have in the situation

Choices
Role plays are useful for working on assertiveness with students in Grades 3-5. The role play below picks up on the theme of being different as well as on the challenge of standing up to peer pressure. If it doesn't seem appropriate for your class, please create another tailored to your class's needs.

Here's the situation. Jennie is different from the other kids in the class in several ways: she always wears dresses (rather than the jeans and t-shirts the other kids wear); the dresses often seem out of style and a bit big on her; she's shy; and whether in the classroom, the lunchroom or the school yard, she always carries a notebook around with her for her favorite activity, writing.

Victoria is the most popular girl in the class, a leader. She decides she wants to have some fun by getting several other girls to join her in a plan to get Jennie's notebook away from her and hide it.

Victoria approaches Latoya, one of several girls in the class who like to hang out with her, and tells her of the plan. "The only time she isn't holding that stupid notebook is when she works at the computer," says Victoria. "Watch her closely and when you get your chance, take the notebook and give it to me. I'll find a good place for it."

Latoya admires Victoria and enjoys being her friend. Being friends with Victoria gives her status in the class. However, she doesn't like this idea. First, she's pretty sure that if she takes part in the scheme, she'll get in trouble. But she also has nothing against Jennie. Sure, she's a little strange, but Jennie has always been nice to her; in fact, Jennie gave her half of her sandwich when she'd forgotten her lunch one day.

So Latoya doesn't want to take part in Victoria's plan. In fact, she doesn't want Victoria to do anything to hurt Jennie. But it's also important for her to remain Victoria's friend. And she doesn't want the other kids in the class to look down on her, as they do Jennie.
Ask for three volunteers: one to play Victoria, one to play Latoya, and one to be the narrator (who will fill in necessary background). Brief your actors on their roles. Make name tags for them with the names they will have in the role play. Use the names suggested above only if they are the names of no children in your class.

A good ritual for beginning role plays is to lead the class saying in unison, "Lights, camera, action!"

Now, run the skit.

Freeze the action while Victoria is still trying to convince Latoya to help her carry out her plan.

Ask, what is happening? Encourage the students to describe what is going on as objectively as possible. Then ask, how do you think the characters are feeling?

Ask, what are Latoya's choices? What are the different ways she might deal with the situation?

Elicit the student's ideas and write them on the board. Push them to come up with a wide range of possibilities.

Discuss: What do you think is the right thing for Latoya to do in this situation? Why? Do you think that will be easy or hard for her? What would you do? Why?

Lesson #2:

Strong, Mean, and Giving In / Assertive, Aggressive, Submissive

Students will:

learn the words "strong," "mean," and "giving in" to describe the choices they have in conflict situations

apply those ideas to clarify the choices faced by characters in a role play

practice predicting the results or consequences of certain choices

Introduce the words "mean," "strong," and "giving in." The students will probably have a good idea of the usual meanings of these words. Elicit their understandings. Then summarize the discussion by putting forth the following definitions:

Mean = doing something to hurt another person (their body or their feelings) or using force or threats to make somebody do something they don't want to do.

Giving in = going along with what someone wants you to do even though you'd rather do something else; and

Strong = being nice and respecting the other person while standing up firmly for yourself (your rights, your interests)

For each of the three definitions, elicit examples from students. (Depending on the age and maturity of your students, you may also want to introduce them to the "adult" words: assertive, aggressive, and submissive.)

Now apply those categories of response to the choices Latoya had in her interaction with Victoria. Which were "giving in"? Which were "strong"? Were any "mean"?

Consequences

Refer to the role play with Victoria and Latoya. Ask the children to recall the situation. Say that one way to make a good choice is to think ahead about what is likely to happen as a result of your choice.

Select student volunteers to replay the skit as before, except this time they will act out one of the ideas the class proposed as choices for Latoya. Confer with the student playing Latoya and ask her to decide which course of action she'll have Latoya follow. It can be any of the choices; it doesn't have to be the one the student thinks is best.
Run the skit: "Lights, camera, action!"

Freeze the action after the two characters have had some dialogue back and forth. Ask the students to describe what has happened in the role play. What choice did the character Latoya make? How has Victoria responded? What do they think will happen next?

Have student actors act out several of Latoya's choices and discuss as above. The aim is not to arrive at a definitive answer about what will happen in any given situation, but to show the children that it's possible - and important - to anticipate consequences.

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Children meet situations every day in which they must decide how to balance their own interests in relation to the interests of other people: You want to be alone, but a friend wants to be with you. What do you do? A classmate teases you or calls you a name.