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ibuku udah 2x cerai. aku ga terlalu mikirin dan mempermasalahkan itu awalnya, tapi lama kelamaan i feel like i started to face some really tough times. efek dari cerainya ortu aku lumayan ninggalin beban yang cukup besar di hidupku, especially bc there's a big change in my family's dynamics sih. ibuku yang selalu stress bahkan karena hal-hal kecil (menurutku) tapi aku mewajarkan juga karena dia baru cerai kan. but as time went on, i felt more and more burdened. like, when things didn’t go as she expected or wanted, she would often vent her frustration on me and my sister. ibu juga selalu ngatur soal gimana kakakku atau aku harus gimana, harus kerja ini lah itu lah. kalau enggak diturutin, bakal nuduh nggak sayang keluarga, nggak peduli sama ibu, dan blablabla.

karena ini, hubunganku sama keluargaku gak baik, sangat enggak baik. bahkan aku mutusin kabur dari malang, dengan embel-embel kerja, biar jauh dari ibuku. aku sendiri sadar aku jadi kesulitan buat bisa mengungkapkan sesuatu, whether with my family or with others. dulu ibu pernah marah karena aku nggak pernah terbuka sama keluarga, selalu ke temen, gitu deh. terus waktu pertama kali aku ceritain soal hariku, my mom got angry and said that i shouldn’t feel things like upset, tired, sad or ect. (soalnya waktu itu, aku cerita aku kalah futsal, terus lawanku main kasar, jadi aku kesel + sedih) even if i felt that way, i shouldn't share or show it, especially to her, katanya. katanya juga, aku cuma bakal ngerepotin, dan ngebebanin. at that moment, i felt like i didn’t deserve to express my feelings or thoughts. like, there's a lot of things that i want to say or tell but i often choose to keep them to myself, takut beneran ceritaku ngebebanin orang.

also, i feel quite stressed bc my mom always complains to me ab everything and says that im the only one she can rely on, and she has very high expectations for me without ever appreciating what i do. aku ngerasa terbebani soal ini bc i feel like i have to work hard for her, for her happiness, which is memang sepertinya harus seperti itu or idk man, but it feels like im putting myself aside, which i think it makes me grow into someone who doesn’t love myself enough(?). there are also times when i feel overwhelmed and struggle to control my negative thoughts lol

sejak mereka cerai, sampai tahun ini, aku ngerasa semuanya kaya numpuk banget jadi satu. i feel like ive lost the ability to really share what I feel, whether it’s fear, frustration, or ongoing confusion or just telling ab my days. aku juga sadar aku selalu put myself aside compared to others and feel like im not that important lmao. sampe waktu dimana ibuku selalu bolak balik resign dari berbagai macam tempat kerjanya, selalu stuck sama "kegiatan tiktok"nya, selalu bilang itu semua ngehasilin uang tanpa ada buktinya, makin kesini, im completely overwhelmed and drained by everything about her.

but im doing much better this year (probably since june/july), thanks to the support ive received :) it's helped me a lot. also i've learned a lot too (i think??), dan kaya yg kubilang aja sih i got really tired of it all. and now i just don’t care as much (still trying ^_^), and im working on loving myself more (lagi proses ^_^)

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Ye aight so I think a big part of growing up religion is forcefeed on me. A good illustration is a song i wrote called "Snow". Where one time, I was helping somebody in the thoughts of suicide and I after a long chill talk i they mentioned about not exploring the world yet and I ask them "don't you wanna see snow? Live a little longer so you can travel the world and touch snow" so I kinda associate "snow" as a will to live in a way.

Anyways, in the song "snow" I mentioned that

"I know you love me dearly, but can't you see I'm cold?". My mother is a very religious and would force everything into it being religion stuff. Basically religion is her will to live, her snow. I was burried in it. It was suffocating. For example, in middle school, the distance between my house and the school was about 8 km because she wanted me to go to a very Islamic school and that's the only one in town. The school starts at 7 because there are daily mandatory praying. Because of that, I had to prepare for school since 5. And because in Islam there is solat shubuh, I was forced to go to mosque every 4/5 am and When I went home, I didn't even get the chance to sleep again. Gotta prepare for school. After all that, every Tuesday I have extra curricular that I was forced to join which is Quran reading that went from 4 pm (when the school ends) to 6. When I got home, I was immediately forced to bathe and go to mosque.

I never have the chance to even once not go. She would say that "it's for the greater good". If I don't go, she would berate me as if I'm inconsiderate or uncaring of her. Always a big argument everytime. But everytime I went home after mosque it's always the same, "you know I love you right?". Never once she thought that maybe I'm just tired because I'm only 12. Maybe I'm not defying god or whatever. I'm just tired as a kid should be and because eihad a hard time explaining my feelings, it's just endless argument everytime prayer time comes.

Her love was cold. It was freezing. It made me model what love is. Control. Absolute devotion. Just like her devotion to god. Absolute control for "the greater good". Absolute control of the ones you love because obviously you know better. It made my viewpoint of love askewed and twisted. To this dynamic of having someone wrapped around you like a bandaid

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jadi mungkin ini tidak 'hepi' banget untuk backstory of this painting, but she give me a happy effect tho. (and so on)

Mayhem, Mixed Media, lukisan sebesar 200x140cm

mini desc: berbicara tentang perjalananku ttg depression, high ovt, anxiety, OCD, ADHD. belum ada kesadaran diri apa yang sudah aku lalui, autopilot, ttg diri ini dll selama bertahun-tahun terutama 8thn lalu.

aku ntah sangat tertarik dengan lukisan abstrak ekpresionisme meski banyak polll yang ga suka dan 'gajelas'. but for me ini adalah jalan yang oke buat menyampaikan keluh kesah ku tanpa aku harus berbicara dan ternyata setelah ak bikin Mayhem ini.. mata batin ku terbuka wkwkwk karena ini adalah abstrak ekspresionisme, tidak ada sketsa awal ataupun rencana konsep dll, semua nya spontan dan setelah lukisan ini selesai, ada orang seniman (kinda coach dadakan) di kampus yang bisa bantu aku untuk menyadarkan apa yang sudah aku buat/lalui.. aku aja merinding pas pertama kali dengerin konsep bapaknya WGWGWGW.. aku cerita in ttg aku pengen aja kasih warna hitam n putih, "i hate you", dibakar, dikasi mata dll dan aku juga cerita ttg masalah mentalku. dan disitu dia kasih basic concept kenapa aku bikin itu (misal: mata yang mengawasi diri ku sendiri karena udah mulai aware dengan diri sendiri, garis yang tidak kokoh, percikan marah dll), bapaknya sempet tny hal personal yang berhubungan dengan lukisan ini.. padahal aku tutupin, tapi dia paham dari goresan itu.. gils.... (maka dari itu dia anak ksyganQ wkwkwk)

setelah kejadian lukisan ini, selain aku lebih tenang.. aku jadi lebih paham juga sama diri sendiri secara tidak langsung (meski tidak 100%) and that's make me hapiiee

note: selama itu aku ga konsum obat & cari bantuan profesional lg yea, jd aga sutress, tapi baru baru ini ke bantuan profesional dan diagnosa adhd (recommended kwkw karena kalo di hold terus kyknya bakal banyak efek sampingnya... aku beberapa kali beneran halusinasi pdhl lg tenang ... ???!!!)

ga selamanya kita sebagai manusia akan merasakan hepi terus atau sedih terus, secara personal aku juga pernah think ab suicide, self harm, diasingkan oleh keluarga karena annoying bgt ak sering tengkar emg karena posisi keluarga belum paham sama cara memahami orang yang punya mslh mental dan aku juga posisinua bener2 sendirian dan masih umur 12-13th n ga paham apa apa tentang apa yang sedang terjadi kwkwkw jadi banyak konflik dan banyak 'perlindungan diri' yang agresif di lingkup keluarga saja (ya saya yang pertama kelinci percobaan kwkwkw). syukurlah sekarang aku sdh bisa kontrol most of it dan aku jd deket lagi sama mereka dan bisa saling tukar pengetahuan (dan aku sekarang juga bisa kasih dikit dikit arahan / pengalaman dari pov ku ke keluargaku ttg masalah mental / cara pikir mereka yang pny masalah mental / kenapa mereka berperilaku seperti demikian dan gimana hadepinnya dan ak jg bersyukur keluargaku masih melek akan hal tsb (karena ini problem genetik). jadi aku sbnernya juga ga kaget kalo mereka bilang dulu sempet mikir apa dimasukkin ke RSJ WKWKKW karena emang se drastis dan seGILA itu cuma ga aku munculkan aja didepan temen-temen.

well, problem tiap orang beda2, ak cuma berharap semua orang bisa melewati itu dan percaya kalo besok akan jadi hari yang baiikkkkkk banget!

karena hal itu terjadi perlahan di aku!, setelah menerima dan perlahan berdamai dengan diri, aku ntah pengen pol ke Bali sendiri lepas dari keluarga, teman dll dan menemukan diri sendiri. dan bener aja, disini aku belajar pelan-pelan "oh ternyata aku kek gini", "ternyata aku bisa gini", dll. banyak hal yang aku dapetin di proses pendewasaan ini dan proses penerimaan diri dan itu bikin aku sangat lega dan seneng banget meski belum matang pendewasaannya🤍 kumpulkan informasi diri pcs per pcs. dan ketika hati bahagia, hari baik, dan penyakit ku (ocd, anxiety, deppression, hallucination,moody, self-detachment) juga menurun.. tetep ga jamin dan masih tetep naik turun tapi setidaknya better. mungkin ini juga relate utk smua anak yang usia 20an, dilema kerja, apa masa depannya, siapa diri ini, beban yang dibawa dll

tapi aku selalu yakin = kalian akan baik-baik aja

itu pesan dari diriku yang pake feeling & logic wkwkwkwkw

stay humble and baik sama diri sendiri, stay original juga gausa mikiri oranglain.

note: lukisan ini hrusnya di pajang di kampus lantai 18 (yang mau mampir gas, punya QInXiin di lt 17) tp gatau kapan di pajangnya, tp udah ada dikelas.. emg itu sangat fragile dan emang konsepnya begitu, konsep lukisan itu sebenrnya jadi diriku yang gak 100% utuh karena perjalanan gila ini..

tapi buat aku, kalo kita sbg manusia ga melewati semua hal yang kita lewatin, ga asik dong kwkwk ga jadi unik berwarna / berbeda~ tralala

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You have no Idea how your act damage me so hard even I need month even years to heal, yes Im mad with you ofc but no revenge. Because if loving you is really horrible well I could never imagined becoming someone like you, after all you being you is you is enough.

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im livin in my answered prayers. i never expected me to be an exchange student now in South Korea. my younger version is afraid to have big dreams like now. but, you're doing well, i am.