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Raewyn Connell theorized the term hegemonic masculinity to describe the most ascribed idea of being a man. In our culture, the ultimate idea of masculinity is a successful, dominant, wealthy heterosexual white male. Jack seemed to embody all of these components of hegemonic masculinity, and the more he embodied these principles, the more society increased his value. The patriarchal system and gender binary structure made Jack believe that his family nor his community would accept him as a gay man. He went on to marry a woman and father two children, as was expected of him. Sitting at the top of the hegemonic masculinity cost him the opportunity to be loved for who he truly is.

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My grandparents raised me in Paraguay, and my uncles have always played a sibling role in my life. Paraguay is a catholic country with traditional binary gender structures where a patriarchal family structure is the only family structure accepted. Men are expected to provide for their families and women are expected to marry and raise children. When children reach working age, they tend to help support the household. It was very clear that Oscar had a talent for art, but it was never nurtured because art wouldn't provide financial stability for a family. At times I wonder what would have been of his life if his talent had been nurtured. He is one of the most talented individuals I have ever met, but now at the ripe age of 50, he is still hesitant of making a living through his work. He has incorporated certain skills with his construction job, such as creating murals and making furniture. But he is a person who will never see himself as an artist. A system of oppression has oppressed his dreams and his artistic potential.

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I mentioned to a co-worker that the boy down the hall in the tax department texted me every day. She giggles and tells me it's very obvious he has a crush on me. I brush her off by saying he would never make the first move.  I had underestimated him, we went out for drinks after work and within 5 months of dating we were in love. James wasn't just liked, he was kind and always willing to help interns or a director if needed. He quickly became the go to guy and the stress piled on. Within the corporate structure, the message was that in order to be promoted and taken seriously you had to leave the playful, goofy side of yourself at the door. Only the competitive, dominant, serious, stoic masculine man succeed within this company culture and he slowly started to reserve this playful side to private spaces. Opting for hegemonic masculinity rather than complicit masculinity.

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I met Michael on a dating app after moving to San Diego from Washington DC. He was the perfect gentleman. I was hesitant about the fact that he had 2 kids but it turns out I liked him more for being such a caring loving and present father. We spent hours talking on our first date and the conversation shifted from fun and flirty to vulnerable and raw. We spoke about how important feeling safe in a relationship was and I shared how I have a genuine distrust for man. That allowed him to share that he himself never felt safe in his previous marriage. They had gotten married young and he knew he needed to provide for his family. He knew the role he was suppose to play within the patriarchal structure. That he was the head of the family and that he sat on top of the binary gender structure. But sitting on top means you are sitting alone and being the head of the family became a burden, a stressful daily existence and lonely.

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Jonathan would never fathom going out for dinner and not having dessert. We booked an Italian dinner and ordered an affogato for dessert on this particular night. We proceed to rent electric scooters and caused a lot of commotion by singing at the top of our lungs to Bad Bunny and riding on the wrong side of the road. There is a caring, gentle, tender masculinity to Jonathan. He prefers female relationships beyond the romantic, and he is always considered the "nice guy". Which has led him a movement called "NICE GUYS" which attempts to teach men how to embody more hegemonic ideologies in order to be more desirable and overall increase their social value. The binary gender structure prevents him from nurturing his tender qualities and accepting himself as the kind, loving, amazing human being I see him as.