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Does anyone have negative thoughts every few seconds. How to live like that. 

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Does anyone have negative thoughts every few seconds. How to live like that. 

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I'm fine.

That's the worse lie I can tell anyone right now. I'm not fine, really. I'm barely surviving, I'm hardly ready to be myself again. Oh, how I missed my old self. A happy kid in the first few months of poly wasn't I?

I've lost my confidence in communication totally right now. Look at the difference comparing the start till today, how had I changed. Can you see the difference eh? A once sociable kid has now reduced to nothing. Why? Why had that happened? Am I really of an outcast now?

Oh yes of course I am. I've lost the skill of communication with my peers; I'm in no one's clique all because of that. People tell me I'm irritating, annoying, and just shut up. But only if they knew what was I trying to hide. All the lame jokes, all the nonsense that comes out from my mouth, are just a way to cover up what I feel while communicating with people. I've nothing else proper to talk about, I don't give my views much when people talk, I am not worth the attention from others.

These recent three months had been harsh on me. Secrets of which I had suffered to suppress before, my insecurities, my esteem are all coming out at once. I'm (censored age) already; I should be more mature. How? The environment that I'm in is not helping, in fact, deteriorating to my way of coping with the emotions. I've lost my partner, the one whom I always do stuff with together, eat together, go home together, shop together though she is usually the one buying stuff, and the one whom I used talked to every day. In the process of having a partner, to give her more attention, more quality time, I forsake those friends whom I used to be with before being together with her, be it poly or secondary school friends. Besides, people now have formed their cliques and now with this situation, I'm left with no one to go. Not that I cannot but I don't want to, I don't want to feel uncomfortable being with people who had been friends for seven months because they will be more focused on talking among themselves. Furthermore, with my esteem on communication-wise, it worsens the situation because I can't think something good to say out, to start conversations.

I rather be alone than to feel lonely within a group of friends.

WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE? I WAS THE ONE MAKING LOTS OF NOISES, WALKING AROUND TALKING TO PEOPLE EASILY. NOW, WHAT HAPPENED?

It's not easy dealing with this loss of my partner because I'm left alone now, doing things that I used to do with her, alone. I'm glad she has a group of friends now; she knows how to make lots of friends, but I don't. When I'm in a relationship, I focus on her alone. Maybe that is my flaw in life. Honestly, it hurts looking at her having fun with her friends while I'm alone by myself. I don't text much with anyone when I'm together with her; I guess my greatest mistake is to break off from friends and give my attention to her. But.. I want to give my attention to her; I want her to feel important...  it hurts to see her being happy, able to talk to all her friends about her problems whereas I've no one.

Does anyone know how I feel now? I want to be alone because I will be quiet in front of people at this period of my life, but I also want friends. But I don't want to feel an outcast in a group of friends just because I can't speak up much.

Dpes anyone feel me?

It hurts. My heart might not even take it anymore I just want to slowly fade away from the world.. just kidding, I'm still strong enough. Joke. I honestly just want to lie on my bed forever, I will look so peaceful because dead people do look peaceful and all I want is peace in my life.

"I'm still in love you."

*story of the writer's past emotional struggles in poly

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I used to ignore my negative thoughts and I would just continue on with my life...
I didn't tell anyone about my problems as I thought my problems were insignificant for others to care about...

These negative feelings came out at random times of the day...
I always told myself no one would care about my problems and I should keep it in ...

My friends saw how I had changed a lot, and it came to the point that I was crying when I reached class
They pushed to go to therapy
And I am glad that I did

I am still keeping my feeling in but I am able to express it in a safe environment =)

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I would secretly go see a psychotherapist for my general anxiety disorder (GAD)

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I would secretly go see a psychotherapist for my general anxiety disorder (GAD)

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It was in 2014 when I started seeking help for my GAD as I had felt anxious my whole life.  It's a secret that I never told my family or friends. I would take early leave from work to visit the sessions. I think of the stigma affected me and made it into a hush2 business. I think today it is easier to own up to it as it is getting normalize and destigmatize. I still do have GAD but now I know better to cope/deal with it rather than be in a downward spiral or catastrophizing it.

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"I walk along the shore,
Looking out at the once raging sea
That tried to engulf me.
I survived.

I can still taste the salt on my lips
Even though my clothes
Have long since dried out.
But I can breathe now."

- M

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Don't be discouraged by progress you aren't proud of. 

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Don't be discouraged by progress you aren't proud of. 

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Hi there, I've been diagnosed with clinical depression and social anxiety ever since I was 15. Medication back then were either little to no help or the side effects were wayyy too absurd ( imagine trading a few hours of not feeling depressed with extreme nausea and drowsiness). For the past 7 years I've been on and off several anti-depressants and none of which have worked for me, therapy wouldn't help either since at some point depression for me didn't need a reason to happen. It didn't need a reason to stay and I've never been able to see myself as truly happy. I want people to understand that depression isn't something that magically goes away with time or medication or help. It's like a scar, they may fade, but can they truly disappear?

Depression also comes in many forms, it's being glued to your bed, not even getting out to eat or shower for days. It's drowning yourself in work to hopefully distract that feeling of dread. It's being too tired all the time but either sleeping too much or not sleeping at all. It's wanting to be alone to not bother people but not wanting to be alone because you're too lonely. It doesn't have a strict mold that fits everyone, so how can anyone expect progress to overcome it be the same?

If there's anything I've learned in the past few years is take the steps you feel like taking. Congratulate yourself on getting out of bed and not get jealous of someone that makes their bed every morning, give yourself a pat on the back for drinking a cup of water every now and then but not force yourself to only eat healthy from that day forwards. Its finally taking a shower after 5 days and not being upset if anyone finds that gross. Some people don't and won't understand you but some will.

Last but not least. Don't expect a constant progress. There will be ups and downs in progress, I could be great for months and for no reason at all, be awful for the next 4. Depression is a slippery downhill slope and understanding that is the most important thing you can do.

Do the things that make you happy, don't be afraid. If you feel like spoiling yourself? Go ahead. If you feel like dyeing your hair? Make sure to take lots of pictures doing it so you can look back and either cringe, laugh or just enjoy it. If you don't treat yourself like you're worth being happy, then how can you expect anything to change. I've still got a long way to go in my mental health journey ( doctors said I wouldn't even feel better if I didn't take my meds) but here I am, trying. That's all that matters. I try and I'll keep trying.
I hope this will help you in your journey.

With love, someone who thinks you're worth.

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This post is actually about a friend of mine who struggles with "su***al" thoughts. As much as I want to encourage her by providing the company and emotional support she needs to escape her situation, I think it is taking a toll on me.

She unloaded her emotional labour on me, among other issues, which I think is what affected me the most. Every time we met, she would begin the conversation by saying, "I want to d**," or "Spend more time with me because I don't know when I will go." These "su***dal impulses" come on far too frequently, and they occasionally persist all day long.

I had encouraged her to seek professional assistance, which she did, but as I'm aware of how difficult her situation is, it is difficult for me to turn away from helping her because she has no other friends to lean on.

I had thought that I could handle it and had been coping well up to this point, but then I realised that I might be compromising my own mental health for hers.

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Everyone has their own family issues. Being the youngest of the family, my parents and sibling had told me I was lucky that I didn’t have to endure much because when I started to recognise things, things in my family was taking a turn in a brighter light. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel any less of a pressure inside. I felt anger and unfairness every time my mum treated my sibling better because of what they went through. Don’t get me wrong my mum still treated me well and loved me but sometimes you just feels the biasness there. My mum expects me to help around at home, it’s not wrong but every time something goes wrong, I was always the first to be blamed. I used to take it hard and think why was the world so unfair to me and hate myself from being me and being born. I was extreme and had very little confidence but I would always mask it because I was afraid of looking weak. I cry in the bathroom because I didn’t want anyone else to see and felt that no one would understand.

Once I grew older, I understood. They had a bond with each other but that doesn’t mean I didn’t had mine. I learn to take things one step by one step and it’s okay not to be okay. I started to open up, seek comfort in friends and my relationship with my sibling got better. It wasn’t a easier journey and it wasn’t easy to start but it is a journey of recovering.

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For those who had a horrible breakup,  hope my story gives you comfort.

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For those who had a horrible breakup,  hope my story gives you comfort.

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It was not easy having to go through a horrible breakup with my girlfriend of 4 years, and for me to have witnessed her having so much fun with her new partner took a massive toll on my mental health. I thought I was better off since we broke up 2 years ago but I was wrong, seeing them together spun me into a feeling of doubt, confusion, anger and depression even.  It sorta made me question if our love for each other was real, because it only took her 4 months to get together with him. It sorta doesn't help to learn that all those years she has been hiding me on her IG feed and stories, feeling too ashamed to introduce me to her family and friends, but she flaunted her new partner on her IG story and even went overseas together for a staycay. I guess it hurts to see someone you loved utter the same words of affection to someone else, as though your love and efforts for the past 4 years meant absolutely nothing. Somehow a breakup or separation just feels so painful, because you lose someone but you know they're still around.

But as cliche as it seems, time is the only thing that can heal all wounds. And one thing I need you to learn is that loving yourself for who you are takes precedence over everything else. You are capable of loving, and of course of being loved. The right one just hasn't appeared yet, but they'll be there. Everything comes in the right time and in the right place. We got to learn and live with fate.

If something is fated to be yours, it will cross mountains and oceans just to reach you. And also, if something is not fated to be yours, even if you crossed mountains and oceans to get it, it will not be within your grasps. So have faith, stay sincere and focus on loving yourself.

I did that, and while I'm not yet ready to commit to another relationship, at least I saw myself grow to become a much happier, successful and more importantly, self-loving person than I was before. Love yourself, because you are special, valuable and important.

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One thing I'm consistently trying to deal with is my self-efficacy - the belief that I can accomplish something. Having said that, school has never been easy. Not sure why but I always doubted my abilities or believed that I am never good/smart enough for school. I withdrew from a lot of modules only because they took so so much toll on me mentally. It really is hard to have to deal with it alone, especially when I'm studying part-time. There is a lot of self-study and often, I lose motivation very fast. One thing's for sure is that I took the leap to join clubs in school etc. It helps me a lot in 'distracting' that negative mindset of mine. Yes, I'm still studying alone as it's rather lonely being in a part-time course. But I'm glad that by being involved socially in other ways, I get to keep my sanity in some way.

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I really hate that 'missing you' feeling.

I was determined to move on, and I understand that hurt is part of the 'moving on' process, but I can't take the emotions and hurt that starts to get raw within. It's too much; enough to cause me to drop whatever I'm doing to grief.

There are so much more issues and troubles within me that I knew I had been successfully suppressing all these while. I'm afraid. What if one day, everything just comes to me all at once? Will I be able to cope? That heartbreaking feeling is more than enough for me to struggle. While I always told myself that facing the emotional feelings that came along with the heartbreak will help you let it out and move on faster but this time I felt I'm contradicting myself. I'm more skewed towards suppressing emotions. Will it be better? I don't know.

I have been trying very hard to distract myself from reality and the emotions by keeping myself busy: learning balloon sculpting, joining camps, going for runs/gyms/swim, going/volunteering for events and projects. It has been two weeks, and I thought I was moving on just fine, yet reality struck again today.

Suddenly being exposed and finding out more about you started making me hurt. How long more will this continue? Initially, I thought to myself that I don't think I will be able to move on that fast, but it seems fine all these while apart from the occasional flashbacks.

It will be hard. It will be tough especially when I'd been with you close to a year and held you so close to my heart. Have relationships nowadays changed? Am I doing it all right? Am I having too many expectations in a relationship? What made me have these expectations for a relationship? All these questions I'm still asking myself since the start that I've met you.

It has been close to a week that I last talked to you or texted you. I don't know if I should continue keeping the distance that we have right now especially when I'm still quite confused and angry about all that happened. What will be better? I still can't believe that you had found someone that fast while I'm still grieving. It will probably hurt so much lesser now if you hadn't found that someone. I would still probably continue to talk to you now and giving you support. Now that you have someone, I will leave the job of that care of you all these while to someone else. I will let that someone, feed you when you don't want to eat, accompany you when you are on your period or when you're sick and motivate when you needed it. I will do none of that anymore.

Sometimes, what we think is the best for that someone special, is apparently not what he/she think is the best.

We all want the best for that special someone, but we have to ask ourselves, will our 'best' for them be what they will be willing to accept?

All the while, I always tell myself that we will be able to work things out if both of us are willing to talk and discuss it. That is probably the reason why I'm always giving you chances after chances because I felt we could be the best. Sadly, what I think is the best was a month ago, was probably what you think was not. The best for you was probably leaving me.

I thought we both had a proper closure, but apparently no, I'm still grieving, but you had moved on.

I need not worry; Time will be a healer.

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When I was 13, I was molested by a stranger. Throughout my secondary school life, I was groped by my classmates and my ex boyfriend sexually assaulted me in my sleep. All these things milder me to become someone with very low-esteem. I would constantly replay all my bad memories to punish myself for not being able to do anything. It wasn’t until recently that I realised it was a problem. I decided to see a therapist and was diagnosed with ptsd. It did help a lot but not completely. This is something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life and it is a never-ending journey of healing myself. A month ago, I was sexually harassed on the mrt train. A man was pointing his phone camera at me and taking photos of me. I wanted to stand up for myself and confronted him. He tried to push the blame on me by saying I was “disrespecting” him. Everyone was looking but didn’t come to help. I came out of the experience trembling and felt like I could’ve done something better. Even though I shouldn’t keep blaming myself, I still have a long way to go. I definitely want to get better.

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When I first realised that I might be mentally unwell, I was only 13. I tried telling my family about it because I didn't know what to do. However, due to stigma, it wasn't well-received and I was told to simply "stop overthinking" and that I'm "not crazy".  It was very hard for me to live my life. It took me so long to finally convince them that it's not that I was crazy when they finally realised how self-destructive I was. Although I wasn't really get a professional diagnosis mostly due to financial constraints, but my family is now more supportive of me speaking out about my own feelings without any judgemental or stigmatised comments. Now, at least when I have the financial capabilities to consult a professional, I know that my family will be there to support me on my recovery.