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One phrase I specifically enjoyed in your essay was how you explained school as a “public nightmare prison” in your hook of your introduction paragraph. I thought it was very dramatic in a good way and really shows the reader how miserable school really is for children. Another powerful addition to your essay was the amount of descriptive/persuasive language you used. I was completely overwhelmed and I think your essay wouldn’t be nearly as good if you hadn’t included all of them. One last dazzling part of your essay was your anecdote in the first crews paragraph. I felt it was really powerful and could’ve heavily impacted the reader.

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Hello, Sahara. I’d say a strength of your essay was your anecdotes. I have no words for the anecdotes besides excellent. The amount of detail inside each of them was absolutely ludacris. They really overall show how much passion was put into your essay. Another strength of your essay was your language. To go into more detail I really liked the words you used. My favorite example being, “Schools should have to dismantle the rule of wearing uniforms.” It made me want to keep reading your essay. However, I can offer a suggestion. This suggestion is elaborating more on how wearing uniforms affects a student’s physical health. I’m left wondering how this happens.

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Your essay was great! The anecdotes really painted a clear picture of what was going on in the - All the detail and descriptive words made me forget my name. Another thing I really loved about your essay was the conclusion, it tied the whole story together in a way that i never thought anybody could do. Your essay was very enjoyable and entertaining, keep up the good work!

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Hey Sahara! Izzy here :). Something I absolutely adored about your persuasive essay, “Consensesses of Uniforms” was the beautiful descriptive language you used! It really hit home and was amazingly surprising. I especially loved when you said “She slowly drags her own half- sleeping body out from under her silky sheets, and slumps out of her white marshmallow soft mattress” It was like I felt the cushiony mattress and like I was there right next to her! Another part of your wonderful essay that astonished me was when you said “…dreading to go to her public nightmare prison where she is going to be trapped for what seems like ages.” It really felt like you were speaking from experience and It was like you were painting a picture in my head! I can picture her now, sleepy eyes with bags below them. A suggestion I can offer you is to change your wording when you say “Imagine a young 10 year old girl…” I would change this to something like: “Imagine a young girl, just about ten years old.” The reason why I would change it is because as you had it before, it was a bit wordy and needed some separation in the sentence. That’s all for now, bestie! Have a good day, and Happy writing! -Izzy 😘🦖🍉✨🤠🔥

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Your essay was amazing! I really enjoyed reading it. Your figurative language was out of this world. Another thing I really enjoyed about your writing was how much you elaborated in your anecdotes. They really hooked me and made me wonder. I do have one wish for you, I would suggest going back and re-reading because as I read I found some grammar mistakes. Other than that small wish, your essay was top tier writing! 💍👯‍♀️🤍🤠

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An excellent part of your memoir is the hook. I loved how you started it off with giving the reader chills when you said “the sky was dark as death.” Another strength you had in your piece was how you lored the readers in then just scared them for example when you said “It was a vicious looking person with a bloody mask and a buzzing chainsaw in his hand. The buzzing of the saw sounded as if bees were doing hip hop, buzz, buzz bam!

A hope I have for your memoir is that maybe you could add on to the ending and maybe say what you felt like after all of it; did you feel scared or paranoid.  Other than that your memoir was excellent!

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Hi Sahara!! This piece is so awesome! Something I loved in your piece was when you were talking about the hayride, and it was almost like you were teleporting me right there right next to you! I loved that you added this information to make it feel so real. Another thing I enjoyed was that you included the details of the mask on the first man near the beginning of the story. I was actually scared!! I really enjoyed when you mentioned the bass drum when your stomach dropped. It made me feel the same way as I was reading! The only thing That I would suggest to you, is to make sure to check your capitalization in places where you say “i did,” or, “i was,” And instead make them “I did,” or “I was”. Other than that, Great job overall, Sah-Hae-Rae!

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I really liked all the figurative language that you added. It made your piece very entertaining to read. I also liked how you ended the writing it was a nice way to end the peice it also had very good inner thought. I wish that you described the person with the mask a little more like what they were wearing or how they were walking.

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I enjoyed your piece especially the amount of figurative language, specifically the meatophers my favorite being this. (The rattling of trees sounded as if they were running away) Another one of the parts of your story is your lesson. I also believe that  not being scared of things and facing your fears head on is important. One part I wish you looked over is your capitalization. What I mean by this is for example in this sentence; “As my eyes started withering closed I heard a blood curdling scream from the other side of the ride, i jumped up oh my gosh what was that?” The I should be capitalized and after that there was no space between the I and question mark.

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I loved the figurative language you included. For example I loved these couple sentences;” The rustling of people running around like mice drifting into my eardrums from a far distance. The dry chalky sensation in my mouth tastes of a crisp fall night. I believe that you really gave a lot of detail of the setting strongly. When you were describing how the man with he mask looked, I really understood your fear. Something I would recommend adding is some more inner thoughts. I feel I could’ve understand you more with a little more of your thoughts. Other than that, I loved this!

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hey, your writing is wonderful like you where talking to me,also you could explain what perfumes u like or what perfume scents youve tried before.other than that it is wonderful.

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I love your quoteI love that you your room just like me and I like that you are playing with your dog and you can  also add what you like doing

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Hi, Girl! One thing I really loved about your about me, was the way you opened. You made it sound like you were really talking to me! I think it made the story feel so much more welcoming and charming. I think the way you said masterpieces really added some kick! Another awesome thing about your piece was that you went into great explanations about your dogs, and what you love to do. I think it stood out from the old classic, “I like pizza and my dogs are cute”. Lastly, a word of advice I’d recommend is that you don’t just list your likes. Try to go into a further explanation than you already have! Awesome job, Sahara!

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*Dani L.*            Something you did well on in your “About me” paragraph was coming up with a very creative and unique name. Another thing you did well on was elaborating on  what you enjoy. For example;”Or I can even be found sipping my favorite iced tea while watching a good fantasy  film such as Harry Potter, Ghost Rider, and the Chronicles of Narnia.”Something I think you can improve on is trying to make your sentences longer, which you can do by really elaborating on why you dislike soccer or licorice. 

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*Dani L.*            Something you did well on in your “About me” paragraph was coming up with a very creative and unique name. Another thing you did well on was elaborating on  what you enjoy. For example;”Or I can even be found sipping my favorite iced tea while watching a good fantasy  film such as Harry Potter, Ghost Rider, and the Chronicles of Narnia.”Something I think you can improve on is trying to make your sentences longer, which you can do by really elaborating on why you dislike soccer or licorice. 

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Something I really liked about your about me is the way you started it. The second sentence, “Welcome to my virtual vacation home to all my writing masterpieces.”, has some really excellent word choice. I also like how you used a variety of word choice and transitions throughout your piece so your reader didn’t get bored. It kept me captivated! A suggestion of how you could make your writing stronger is adding more punctuation, such as a period at the end of the last sentence.