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The one thing I hate about attempting suicide is that it is just that: an attempt. This means I have to answer questions later regarding why I did something so "selfish" and so "irrational." I really think the irrationality of any suicide attempt is the interrogation that comes with the act. Questions start to pile up to the point where I feel like a Jeopardy game needs to be hosted. Unfortunately for me, I'd be a sh*tty contestant.

When my ex-fiancée asked why I attempted suicide, I wasn't in any sort of mood to answer the question. It didn't help that she was asking me immediately after I decided to have my life crumble under the weight of an empty pill bottle. The grim thoughts that haunted my soul for years possessed my actions. There was no focus as to what my accolades were, or that I was young and had a long life ahead of me. I was only focused on stopping the trail of thoughts before I had to deal with it for a longer period of time. Each crack in the wall started to become more distant. The sensation of touch was beginning to evaporate. I could hear a scream in the distance of my worried parents, and the last thing I remembered from the scenery was that blue-eyed blonde representation of my lack of standards leave. Blackout number one commenced.

A police officer was standing over me asking me questions about why I attempted suicide. I really don't think they interrogate criminal suspects while they're slouched on a couch half conscious, so I do not have the faintest idea why they would ask me questions in that position. My mind flickered for a moment, in the midst of the haziness the Klonopin allowed me to acquire, to be able to answer the question. It was the cliche explanation that is seen in the tragic Oscar-winning love stories. Guy loves girl. Girl then breaks guy's heart. Guy tries to win girl back. Girl doesn't take him back. Guy kills himself. Exposition, rising action, climax, falling action and resolution were wrapped up into one word as "her" expelled from my lungs. The cops, paramedics and even my parents were subject to believe this bullshit lie that I laid upon them. The truth is my explanation was too lengthy. The truth is that my pain over the years was too much to handle. I didn't have the time or the energy to say anymore, and that's when blackout number two commenced.

Being carried on a stretcher into an ambulance is not the most glorious of ways to exit a house. I wish I had a more dignified exit with a banner, balloons and my family waving at me to get well soon. There was no party, though. The world still kept turning, and I was not the center of it all. The trees were in full bloom. Flowers were bursting with life in a dizzying display red, green, yellow and orange. Birds soared joyously in the cloudless sky. I had little reason to care, for my wings were clipped. Blackout number three commenced. I quickly drank the coal in the hospital room. Blackout number four commenced. I survived another day with my internal war and crossed off another lucky triumph in my battle with schizoaffective disorder.

With any suicide attempt, life still goes on. I entered and exited hospitals. I visited doctors. I have been in and out of relationships. Life still went on for me. If the suicide attempt was successful, it would have went on for everyone else. I'm still struggling. I'm still human. For anyone else that has attempted, or has succeeded, trust me, it's not selfish. Sometimes the mind cannot cope with the painful thoughts that cloud the logic. I have to constantly think that, no matter what, life still goes on. It's something special, and I am excited to see what's next.

Cover Image Credit: My Efiko

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It's my favorite time of year again, the time of year when you get to officially celebrate your siblings! Raksha Bandhan is an Indian festival that comes in the month of August on a full moon day. It is when sisters perform a ceremony and tie a sacred, decorated thread (rakhi) around their brother's wrist to bless them in return for protection and guidance. It is an ancient tradition that has its roots in northern India but is now celebrated nationwide. In the eve of the holiday, I wrote an open letter to all the older brothers and sisters out there, stranger and known, to celebrate this sacred bond of family.

You, older brother and older sister. You are amazing. You are the same as us younger siblings, yet not the same at all. You play the role of a best friend, a teacher, a counselor and even a father and a mother. You put up with the mess of the younger ones and sometimes (or should I say, often) shoulder the blame. You get on us younger siblings' nerves and also let us get on your nerves! But more times than not, we are all partners in crime.

You are truly way better than superheros. You protect us from the harsh realities of the world by teaching us about it first hand. But, you let us learn about the good humanity that the world also has to offer. You are there when we hit rock bottom and prevent us from going down further. You are the only ones who know how to get us back to our feet again, and fast. But, you are also the ones who "know exactly where to drive the knife to hurt [us] the most!" Nevertheless, you are a priceless gift given by the heavens and we, younger siblings, will treasure you forever.

It's because of you we get our awesome tastes in music, books and movies. It's because of you we know how to build forts and explore the woods behind the house. It's because of you we get to know the meaning between true friendship and family. It's because of you that life is colorful and filled with wonders. You are someone to never take for granted, to never be forgotten. Because you are here, we will never know the feelings of loneliness, even if alone. You bear our deepest, darkest secrets and carry the sweet, joy filled memories between us. You are with us from the beginning to the end and beyond in everything and anything, even life itself. To live without you is not an option.

So, on the eve of this holy festival, let's just say it and make it clear to the world: We're brothers and sisters, and no one and nothing can take that away from us. One day, one month or even a whole year of celebrating the bond of sibling-hood is not enough. To be thankful for being able to experience such a sacred relationship with such great individuals, who have been chosen to uphold such a sacred position, cannot be summarized in words or even through actions. It comes from the deepest caverns of the heart and from the core of true love. Happy Raksha Bandhan to all the older brothers and sisters, and know that you are the greatest gift, filled with love, that humankind has ever known.

Cover Image Credit: Narasimhan.com

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This year in music has been SO darn good to us music junkies. Many artists have made 2018 their comeback year after a lengthy hiatus and/or setbacks and we are here for the ride when their new music drops.

1. Arctic Monkeys- "Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino"
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Release date: May 11, 2018

Remember our angsty, indie Tumblr teenager-self era? We can most likely thank Arctic Monkey's "AM" album for that era in our lives when it broke the U.S mainstream charts back in 2013. If you listen to their entire discography, you can see an evolution in their sound. The UK based rock band's sound went from a garage grunge rock sound in their early albums to soft indie rock sound in "AM" and now a soulful, glam rock sound in their newest album, "Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino". Between "AM" and "Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino", the band took a FIVE-year hiatus and finally when a new album and tour were both announced earlier this year, our teenage-selves were LIVING for it.

2. BROCKHAMPTON- "Iridescence"
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Release date: September 2018

BROCKHAMPTON has recently made it big in the mainstream rap scene as they have a plethora of unique aspects that make them the "hardest working boy band in show business". They are not your typical rap group as they have 15 members and each member has their own important part to redefine the typical American boy band. Earlier this summer, one of the vocalist, Ameer Vann was kicked out of the band due to sexual misconduct allegations, in which the group decided to put their music and tour on a brief hold. Less than a month later, the boys came out of their hiatus and made their first TV performance on Jimmy Fallon without Ameer with a brand new song. Since then, the boys released three new songs and on August 26th, the band announced that their next album will be released in September 2018. This is highly anticipated since the "Saturation" trilogy (on which each of the three albums has Ameer on the cover) and it is a new beginning for them after the Ameer scandal.

3. Twenty One Pilots- "Trench"
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Release date: October 5, 2018

These two boys from Columbus, Ohio are musical geniuses. If you listen to their music, you would assume that there are more than two members in the band but yes, it's only drummer Josh Dun and vocalist/guitarist/ukulele-player/pianist Tyler Joseph. After the roaring success of "Blurryface", these two went on to sell out their shows on their U.S and world tour. Seeing them live is a such a wonderful experience that I have seen them FOUR times already and I cannot get enough of their amazing talent and energy. After touring all over the world and finalizing the "Blurryface" era in their hometown in Ohio (Tour De Columbus), the boys took a year hiatus from all social media leaving cryptic images that left the clique (their fan base) wanting more.

Early in July, they finally came back from the year-long hiatus and announced two brand new songs, the name of the album and release date, and a brand new tour. It has been about three years since Twenty One Pilots has made new music and I can already tell that the "Trench" era is going to be AH-MAZING!

4. Ariana Grande- "Sweetener"
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Release date: August 17, 2018

During the European leg of Ariana Grande's "Dangerous Woman Tour" on May 22, 2017, her concert in Manchester, England was attacked by a suicide bomber. 22 people were killed and hundreds were injured and hospitalized which led Ariana to cancel shows following the attack. She then organized a benefit concert, One Love Manchester, two weeks later and used the all proceeds to aid the victims and their families affected by the attack. Although this attack halted her tour and new music, she bravely finished the "Dangerous Woman Tour" in September 2017 and finally in April 2018, she released a new song and announced that she was releasing a new album. "Sweetener" was recently released and it has mostly received well deserved positive reviews.

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The one thing I hate about attempting suicide is that it is just that: an attempt. This means I have to answer questions later regarding why I did something so "selfish" and so "irrational." I really think the irrationality of any suicide attempt is the interrogation that comes with the act.

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Suicide is a permanent solution solution to a temporary problem!!

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Suicide is a permanent solution solution to a temporary problem!!

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Depression is the leading cause of suicide and is treatable by a doctor!

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Depression is the leading cause of suicide and is treatable by a doctor!

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What should you do if you or someone you know is suicidal?

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What should you do if you or someone you know is suicidal?

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First off, start asking them questions like do you feel like dying? What do you think about suicide? Have you ever thought of suicide? Start looking for warning signs, for example, they will talk about committing suicide. they will do more risky behavior, they will have mood swings, they will give away personal belongings. Seek help for yourself or the person that is suicidal.

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Most cause of  depression doesn't have a single cause. It takes more then one thing most of the time to become depression like events in your past, your current circumstances, and more.

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What is the most common cause of depression

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What is the most common cause of depression

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-Sadness or hopeless
-Irritability,anger, or hostility.
-Tearfulness or frequently crying.
-Withdrawal from and family
-Loss of interest in activities
-poor school performance
-changes in eating and sleeping habits

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-poor appetite or repeatedly going over thoughts.
-restless sleep,early awakening,imsomnia,excessive sleepiness.
-weight gain or loss.
-lack of concentration,slowness in activity, or thoughts of suicide.
-excessive of hunger,fatigue or social isolation

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A change in behavior. For example, they will talk differently, do more risky behavior, and have more 'underside' moods.

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Depression is when your sad or been going on with a lot in your life. Feeling depression can be a normal reaction to loss, life struggles, and much more