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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird swept in like a jet to get the most crispy, most delicious looking fry he had ever seen. The Giant was just about to chuck the fry into her mouth when..... FWHOOOO! It was gone! The bird just stole it, he flew further away to a ledge far away remote from the Jungle Resort and began dancing like Michael Jackson in victory, he looked at it and in one deep breath swallowed it whole. But he was still hungry so he began to throw the nut he had just found at the wall in hopes of it opening. But by doing this vibrations were sent through deep into the cliffside into a secret chamber filled with oceans of gold, little did the bird know the gold underneath bursted revealing a dragons claw, then piece by piece gold dropped revealing an eye bigger than a human. The ground trembled, and the bird knew he was is in BIG trouble.

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Thomas

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On a crispy afternoon across a barren landscape, a mountain soars from the ground.  A stray bird's wings breaks the silence with its  frantic flapping across the open field. He lands on the mountain and pecked the surface foraging for food.

The vibrations danced throughout the mountain. However this was no ordinary mountain. An ocean of gold flooded the interior. The gold was stacked high as buildings and immersed everything inside.

Silence fell in the mountain. Suddenly, BOOM. Gold coins flew across the room with the exhale of the creature inside. With its slow monstrous movement, coins drop from the beast revealing its shut eye. With a roaring groan, the creatures eye slowly opens.

That is when I knew I was in trouble.

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Add figurative language to your paragraph to improve your work.

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On a crispy afternoon. There was a stray bird flying through the sky. It landed on a rock. It grabbed a shell and banged it on stone. Then, the bird accidently discovered oceans full of gold and riches. Until it heard breathing. I knew i was in serious trouble.

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird was flying through the skys. Chirp! Chirp! the bird flew above the mystery temple and flew to the rock. Chip! Chip! the bird started to chip the rock. The rock had a weird sense to it, it led to a giant mountain full of shiny packs of gold. There was as much gold as you would see sand at a beach. Rawr! something moved in the gold, coins started falling down this beast as if it was a waterfall. GR! there was a big flop as the beasts eye opened. That is when I knew I was in serious trouble.

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird opened it's wings and soared through the sky.It lands and picks up a snail with its sharp beak, it then tries to hit the snail against the rock.It then tries hits it against a wall creating an echo in the interior walls.Loose piles of gold everywhere you look.Peck Peck BOOM! gold starts pouring down but then a beast was revealed .That is when I knew I was in serious trouble

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird soared into a massive, sceptical castle. It picked up a pebble and placed it in between his beak and aggressively  pecked it on the wall rapidly. However underneath his beak, lied oceans of loose pieces f gold, scattered along the the other side of the castle. CLANG!. A loud sound was heard from the other side of the castle. When a crusty, ginormous, navy blue beast popped out of the mountain of gold. 

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird soared into a massive, sceptical castle. It picked up a pebble and placed it in between his beak and aggressively  pecked it on the wall rapidly. However underneath his beak, lied oceans of loose pieces f gold, scattered along the the other side of the castle. CLANG!. A loud sound was heard from the other side of the castle. When a crusty, ginormous, navy blue beast popped out of the mountain of gold. 

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That is when I knew I was in serious trouble...

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on a hot crispy afternoon the wind was swooshing a stray bird was flapping its wings up to a big cave.
he saw some snails on the rock. crack crack went the shell.
suddenly the vibration of the shell went inside of a ocean full of gold the noise got louder then a BOOM! went the gold. the gold fell of the eyelids of the dragon then its eyes slowly opened with a big rawr! that's when i knew i was in trouble.

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On a crispy afternoon, the Stray bird flew above the plains, past the giant old statue and landed in a rock with dry snails on top of it and started pecking on it. The banging of the bird pecking on the snail can be heard next door, which was a house full of gold. As the pecking of the bird echoed through the house, there lay a dragon fast asleep but later had awoken with a big groan, and the mountain of gold above fell like a river fall. That was when i knew i was in serious trouble with the strange creature, who was probably a million times bigger than me.

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On a crispy after noon the stray bird flew across the tall mountain. The bird flew past the enormous statue and goes inside the secret cave. The bird found a nut and the bird hit aggressively on the ground. The cracking echoed and was herd from the underground where there was a mountain full of gold. The sound made the dragon awake and the coins started moving around the room. The dragon  wake up not in a great mood and that is when I knew I was in trouble.

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on a crispy afternoon, the stray bird flew against the green lushly grass.finding his way to a snall to eat, the vibration from the shell shook the hollow rock among huge amounts of gold, suddenly a shaking appired in the gold them a gaint beast appeared amongst the pieils of gold. thats when i i knew i was in serious trouble.

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On a crispy afternoon, The stray bird frantically flew towards the carved mountains. Outlooking the blush mixture of colors surrounding the landscape. The bird lands at a fellow edge and cracks his shelled nut on one of the few caved rocks. 

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On a crispy afternoon, The stray bird frantically flew towards the carved mountains. Outlooking the blush mixture of colors surrounding the landscape. The bird lands at a fellow edge and cracks his shelled nut on one of the few caved rocks. 

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The vibrations echoed along the inside wall of a valley of loose gold coins and confident warrior like statues. Down within the gold mountains. The beast shovels out coins from the top of its scaly forehead as it hits pure silence... The beasts eye peers from the disturbed gold. Its eye opens and zooms in...
I was so dead...

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On a crispy afternoon a stray bird, swiftly flew above the trees above to the rocky mountain side, while he was in there the bird picked up a pebble, tap, tap, tap the bird didn't realise what he had done, under the mountain lied a ocean filled from bottom to top was statues, armour and most of them all coins and gold. The little grey bird did not stop peck, peck, peck. WHOOSHH. The little grey bird woke up the with his little pecks from the little pebble green scaled dragon, a gush of flew coins flying from side to side as it revealed it red and orange eye.

That was then I knew I was in serious trouble.

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird franticly flew across the horizon. it gently landed on a rock and started smashing a shell on the wall. Tap.. tap, the smashing of the shell sent vibrations along the walls of the interior of the "mountain". Inside, there was an ocean of gold filling up every holes in the walls, it glistened and shone among one another. In the hollow mountain there was what the bird didn't know, a dragon, a large exhale sent some gold flying, revealings its colossal body, it was blue from head to toe and with scaly patterns. It made a deep roar before opening its eyes, thats when i knew i was in serious trouble...

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On a crispy hot summer afternoon, the stray bird ascended the wise old mountain. The bird trilled with joy as if the world had been released from the darkness. CRACK!.... CRACK!! the taps had led to vibrations which had led to echoes. Within the mountain, there had been pools of hefty luscious gold hiding from it. Everything was calm and peaceful until the echoes got a little too loud BAM!! the gold fell like tokens from a game machine to the strong and intimidating exhale of the beast. The beast had been awakened from its long-lasting slumber. His eyes cracked open as if it had been sleep deprived that's when I knew I was in trouble

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird flies through the sky towards a mountain. In the mountain, there is a small opening. The bird swiftly lands and starts hitting a nut against the mountain, desperate for food. Tick Tick Tick. The sound of the nut echoes through the hollow inside of the mountain which holds treasures beyond imaginable. It moves the gold sending a magical shimmering sound through the chamber. the gold lays peacefully until......boom! out of the gold emerges a dragon. Ting Ting. The gold falls as the dragon opens its eyes, its growl shakes everything in the mountain. That is when I knew I was in serious trouble

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird flew across the open caves near the mountains looking for food. The sounds of the birds chewing echoed through the walls of the ocean of gold lying down under neath. Little did the clueless bird know, a mysterious creature breathed heavily down under. Thats when I knew i was in serious trouble..

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On a Crispy Afternoon... during quiet peacetime, a stray bird soared out the sky like it was dancing however, in a very perplexed manner it stumbled upon an anomaly of structures and ancient ruins that were rusted and old. Then it majestically descended down upon a canyon onto a rock for home or storage as it started pecking to upon up the food. Little did the bird know that the vibrations though still, a faint sound travelled through the interior of a secret tunnel that was covered with oceans of treasure. Then out of the blue something appears from the rumbling of treasure and opens its petrifying eye. That was when I woke up from a horrible dream of what just happened and the vision had me in it. At that moment  knew I was in trouble 

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On a Crispy Afternoon... during quiet peacetime, a stray bird soared out the sky like it was dancing however, in a very perplexed manner it stumbled upon an anomaly of structures and ancient ruins that were rusted and old. Then it majestically descended down upon a canyon onto a rock for home or storage as it started pecking to upon up the food. Little did the bird know that the vibrations though still, a faint sound travelled through the interior of a secret tunnel that was covered with oceans of treasure. Then out of the blue something appears from the rumbling of treasure and opens its petrifying eye. That was when I woke up from a horrible dream of what just happened and the vision had me in it. At that moment  knew I was in trouble 

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on a crispy afternoon across a far, rugged landscape, a prodigious mountain stood tall ,as the clouds shrouded its icy hide. The flatter of a stray birds wings broke the silence as it landed inside a cave. The bird pecked furiously for its lunch as its vibrations creeped within the mountain. Oceans of gold jumped and glistened as its cone-like shape broke into squares. Hmmph! A jet of air shot out from under as the chasm echoed, revealing a massive beast with cerulean blue scales, it opened its eyes as it woke from its slumber, revealing its  cadmium eyes. It awoke, it will come and that is when I knew I was in serious trouble

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird flew onto a rock crack, crack, crack the bird was trying to open the nut for food. Near by danced a cave with mountains of gold coins, jewellery and full golden blocks, this looked like an ocean of gold. Suddenly BANG, the golden coins started to trickle down the mountains of gold, like an hour glass with sand in it. There it was the first ever Dragon.

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird furiously flaps its wings among the open plains heading towards to mountains that shone upon the area. The bird soared into a dark tunnel, and forcefully struck a rock against another. The collision sent vibrations throughout the mountain which eventually led to an ocean of gold. CLASH! The coins flew across the area, whilst the tail of a beast pounces on the golden treasure. An eye of the creature slowly opens as the gold gets attracted to the lava-like eyes, it goes black. That was when I knew I was in serious trouble.

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On a hot crispy afternoon a bird mysteriously flew into an opening of a dilapidated castle.It decided to pick up a pebble and aggressively hit it on the castle wall.On the other side of the wall there was mountain and mountain of gold.Little did the bird know what was hiding under it....

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The loudest roar came from under the gold and a eye opened.A blue body started to emerge the bird could not be warned.

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird flew frantically to a lush area of the sacred temple and started to uncover an object loudly. Little did the bird know, he started a huge wave of vibrations inside the temple walls. A mountain of gold started collapsing as a huge dragon woke up angry, when the gold tsunami stopped the creature opened their eyes and started to roar like a flamethrower. That's when the bird knew he was in trouble.

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I like how you included onomatopoeia when the dragon was slowly moving out of the gold. It makes the reader a bit more aware and that what is happening is serious.

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I like...

Be specific. Identify the technique and explain WHY you like this.

Think of these questions -

What do you like?

What is the technique?

How does this make you/ the audience feel?

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I like the descriptive language used to describe the nouns that are foreshadowing where the bird is going like "old mountain" "luscious gold" etc

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I like the descriptive language used to describe the nouns that are foreshadowing where the bird is going like "old mountain" "luscious gold" etc

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird was flying over the beautiful plains heading to the mountain but little did the. bird know he was gonna get a big surprise. he found a nut then hit it against the rock trying to open but in side the mountain there was was a base full of treasure and riches but the bird did not know. Then the bird heard something wired a big growl I had a mini heart attack heard it again i was so scared i did not know want to the I heard a waterfall of coins fall on each other then i realised it was the scariest beast of them all the dragon I was so scared.

That is when I realised That I was in serious trouble

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i like how you included onomatopoeia like chirp chirp and how u included shiney packs of gold and alot of descriptive language.

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I like all the figurative language you used in there which consisted of onomatopoeia, similies and etc "Chrip Chrip!" 

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I like all the figurative language you used in there which consisted of onomatopoeia, similies and etc "Chrip Chrip!" 

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I love the use of descriptive language when describing. I love when you described the castle and the bird pecking the wall rapidly

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I like how you described the bird with detail, and the onomatopoeia.

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i like how you used descriptive language likewise old mountain and how he was trilled with joy as the world was released from the darkness.

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I like the description you have added on top of other description, for example "The sounds of the birds chewing echoed through the walls."

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Alyra- I like the Onomatopoeia that you have used ( Tick Tick Tick ). 

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Alyra- I like the Onomatopoeia that you have used ( Tick Tick Tick ). 

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I like the onomatopoeia used when you wrote clang! it really matched the story

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This paragraph is short which could be fixed but I like how you summed up all of that information to so little and made it so detailed good job 

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This paragraph is short which could be fixed but I like how you summed up all of that information to so little and made it so detailed good job 

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Alyra, I like the way you have sequenced your descriptive passage. It progresses well and is strengthened by personification "mountain danced". Great stuff!

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I like how you describe about you castle.
"massive, sceptical castle."

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I like how you compared the birds dancing to "Micheal Jackson"

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I like the use of descriptive language in the first sentence

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Anita-I like you second last sentence,I like how described how  you said "but little did the clueless bird know,  a mysterious creature breathed heavily down under

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WOAH a  lot of figurative language which describes the whole text on a huge level and makes me wanna keep on reading good job maybe add some literal language though 

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WOAH a  lot of figurative language which describes the whole text on a huge level and makes me wanna keep on reading good job maybe add some literal language though 

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i like how you used a similie to describe how the gold fell off from the dragon like tokens and instead of saying dragon you referred to as a 'beast' to have the audience wondering  what it is

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Analeise: i like how you described little details and how everything looked from your perspective. 

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Analeise: i like how you described little details and how everything looked from your perspective. 

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i like how you used a simile describing how the bird was dancing in its victory.

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I like how you used descriptive writing to describe the bird

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I like your use of onomatopoeia and the descriptive language you are able to use so fluently good job. 

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I like your use of onomatopoeia and the descriptive language you are able to use so fluently good job. 

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i like how you said "the bird swiftly land"

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I like the descriptive language that you have set throughout the text, it makes the text feel more alive.

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird flew by the lost and undiscovered temple and flew into a hidden cave. The bird stopped by a large rock where there was a nut on the big rock. The bird started to try and break it so that it could it the nut. The stray bird continued flying but it flew into the hidden temple. The bird flew across the temple where there was a flood of gold inside the temple.  But omething was quite odd because it was all silent. Next thing you know, a glowing dragon jumped out of the gold groaning at the bird. That is when  I knew I was in serious trouble.

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I like that you described the ocean of gold underneath. easy to picture..

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I really liked how you described the dragon it really made me feel like i was there.

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i like how many descriptive words you used in your writing

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I like the use of descriptive language you are using in your story when you said " A blue body started to emerge".

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alleyna- I like how you used lots of describing words as well as a onomatopoeia in "BANG'' and "crack, crack, crack".

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i like how you described the sky as a blush mixture of colors

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I like the descriptive language when the bird is flying across the plains

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I like how you said about the gold.
"ocean gold lying down underneath."

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I like the selection of language you have used, and how and when you have chosen to use it. For example "Trilled"  "Exhale"

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I wonder if you can

sequence you story by connecting different scenes. Try...

use descriptive language and figurative techniques in this sentence......

This will improve, strengthen your writing...

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I like how he used descriptive language describing the bird and what it did in that short clip.

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I like the descriptive language in the first sentence

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I wonder if you could add more descriptive writing

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I wonder if you can use different words for "it then"

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I like the types of literal language you used to describe the literal things, maybe try using a bit more figurative language since it hooks the reader more good job -Giorgio

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I like the types of literal language you used to describe the literal things, maybe try using a bit more figurative language since it hooks the reader more good job -Giorgio

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird flew across the open air flying in and out of buildings twice their size finally landing on a smooth rock, picking up a much smaller rock he began aggressively banging on the larger rock , making an echo dance throughout the interior of the mountain the of eye catching loose gold piling on each other. Until all of a sudden the echoing stopped and everything went still until the movement of a scaly greeny blue creature made the large piles of gold come tumbling down from each other and the peircing honey brown eyes stared into my soul that is when i knew i was in serious trouble.

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On a crispy afternoon, the stray bird flew across the green plains, frantically to the sacred temple. The bird gracefully lands on a rocky ledge and starts pecking on a shell. The noise of the pecking sent a wave of vibrations inside the temple, sending the mountains of gold and treasures across the bottom like a massive tsunami. Suddenly ROAR a mystical dragon emerges from the jewels. That is when I realised that I was in serious trouble.

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Maybe check over your wo0rk to see if the sentences make sense, but good use of figurative language in your topic sentence which hooks people in good job -Giorgio

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Maybe check over your wo0rk to see if the sentences make sense, but good use of figurative language in your topic sentence which hooks people in good job -Giorgio

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Alyra- I like the wording "he began aggressively banging on the large rock".

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Alyra- I like the wording "he began aggressively banging on the large rock".

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i like the descriptive language in your sentences- Anton 

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i like the descriptive language in your sentences- Anton 

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The paragraph could be longer and be more descriptive because i does not feel like i'm there so add more descriptive language.

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If you can use different sentences instead of "it the" or "it" try something different because it sounded repetitive.

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I wonder if you can add more to your text and make it more detailed/descriptive.

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paarth, i wonder if you could use some more detail like in how the sound rushed through the mountain

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I wonder if you are able to lengthen your paragraph,a good way to do this is using discriptive language 

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I wonder if you are able to lengthen your paragraph,a good way to do this is using discriptive language 

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I wonder if you could add little things to strengthen your story such as maybe some more similies or metaphors and even a hyperbole.

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I like your use of metaphors when you said " like a flamethrower".

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I wonder if you could make the third sentence make sense a bit more for example "On the other side of the wall there was a mountain and in that mountain,Gold"