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Porn Sex vs Real Sex (explained with food)

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Porn Sex vs Real Sex (explained with food)

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In equal measures factual and humorous, this video is candid about the differences between real sex and porn sex. Suitable for older teenagers.

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Porn Sex vs Real Sex: The Differences Explained With Food

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Video from Nadine Thornhill suggesting an approach for talking to your tween about STIs.

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What Do You Know About STIs? | Questions To Ask Your Kids

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Please watch: "LET'S TALK ABOUT CONSENT AND PLEASURE #METOO" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n50_tj5OtDk --~-- GET THE GUIDE! (Over) 100 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEXUALITY: http://eepurl.com/3uQi --------------- READ THE BLOG POST! http://www.nadinethornhill.com/what-do-you-know-about-stis/ --------------- STI VIDS: Sexually Transmitted Infections Part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9iILMjjBMg&t=73s Sexually Transmitted Infections Part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paEbPUWvaxQ --------------- My parent coaching services and rates: http://www.nadinethornhill.com/parent-coaching/ --------------- Let's Connect!

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Nadine Thornhill - Your Friendly Neighbourhood Sex Educator 

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Nadine Thornhill - Your Friendly Neighbourhood Sex Educator 

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Nadine Thornhill has a blog that covers a lot of great content for parents, including videos about STIs, pleasure, consent and so on.

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#MeToo. Before it was a hashtag, popularized by celebrities, it was a movement started by a woman named Tanara Burke, an activist working with young sexual assault survivors. The movement began over ten years ago, but only recently have some of us been willing to listen to the people who need to tell us that their sexual agency was disregarded, ignored and violated. While some victims of sexual misconduct are finally being heard, there are still entire groups of people: folks of colour and indigenous people; trans and non-binary folk, people with mental illness, people with disabilities; poor folk; and youth who are overlooked in these conversations - even though statistically they are at greater risk of being sexually mistreated. Our culture doesn't have a great track record when it comes to prioritizing sexual consent. And that is, at least in part, because our culture doesn't prioritize sexual pleasure.

Instead of treating sexual pleasure as a human right that we're all entitled to, historically our culture has taught us that sexual pleasure is something that drives men, that for them it's inevitable, and the rest of us are responsible for managing, navigating, negotiating and avoiding the consequences of the male libido.

Pleasure is important. No matter what your gender, race, ethnicity, body-size or ability, you are entitled to choose to have partnered sex or not. And if that's your choice, you are entitled to feel good about the sex that you're having. Pleasure is about feeling good in your body. It's also about feeling good emotionally, ethically and spiritually, if that's part of how you move through your life. On the flip side, if we want to get with someone sexually, whether it's flirting, playing touching, going down on someone, intercourse, whatever, we need to care about that person. If we want to express and explore our desire for someone, we need to start by giving a shit about their feelings. We need to approach them with basic human respect. We need to honour their right to their own pleasure. If their version of pleasure doesn't include us, or the things we want to do - that can be disappointing, and frustrating and sad b ut we've gotta deal with that because while we're are entitled to pleasure, we're not entitled to getting it at someone else's expense. If they're not into what we're into, we need to back off. If we're not sure, we ask. Even if it's awkward or weird. We ask anyway. How do you feel about the MeToo and TimesUp movements? How do you we make sex and sexuality happier and safer for people? Comment below and let's chat about it!

These posts are based on the questions in my guide, (Over) 100 Questions To Ask Your Kids About Sexuality. The guide is free and if you don't have it, you can get it by clicking here. To watch the video version of this post, click here.
Best practices or "etiquette" around when we should share other people's photos online is a relatively new social consideration. For many of raising kids today, the Internet wasn't even a thing when we were young, so we didn't have to deal with any of this growing up.

When I was in high school, I posted photos on my locker door. The potential audience reach was anyone who happened to wander down the drama room hallway. But when our kids post photos on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and other social media platforms, when youth share photos of other people, it's possible for those images to wind up anywhere.

One thing we can do in our conversations about online behaviour is to encourage our teens to think about the effect sharing information and images might have on others. I call it "online empathy". When someone posts a photo online, we can share that photo anywhere, with virtually anyone. But should we? How might sharing the photo affect the other person, particularly if that photo is embarrassing or upsetting for them? How might it affect our relationship with that person? And regardless of whether we know the person or not, h ow might sharing their photo reflect on us and our character?

Exploring these questions is a chance for your to help your teens reflect on their own values in terms of how they want to treat others, and to think about how they want to live those values through their online behaviour.

Tagged With: online etiquette, Teens sharing photos online, when to post photos

Every day in April, I'll be posting a video about one of the questions in my guide, (Over) 100 Questions To Ask Your Kids About Sexuality. The guide is free and if you don't have it, you can get it by clicking
Trigger/Content Warning: This post contains non-graphic mention of childhood sexual abuse. Today's topic is probably the most serious of any that I'll tackle in this series. I don't think any of us who care about the kids in our families or our classrooms ever want to think about them being abused or victimized. But the reality is, that sometimes people hurt children. And if that happens, they need help. So today's question is for the children in your life: " If someone hurts you, or touches you in a way that makes you feel scared, angry or sad, who can help you?"Look for the helpers
Like I said, this can be really tough to think about as a parent, but we don't have to telegraph our concerns to our children. For the most part, we're helping them identify people that they like and trust. In many ways, this is a positive talk.

And while getting help in an abusive or dangerous situation is tremendously important, these are also people your child may be able to rely on in less sinister situations like if they've hurt themselves, they feel sick, or they have a problem they want to talk about.

Try not to influence your child's list. Instead, let them take the lead on naming their trusted people. Their list might include:

Abuse isn't good for you.
In terms of sexual and personal safety, gently remind kids that if a touch feels bad, they can always tell someone. Now all kids will have some physical experiences they don't like. For example, most kids hate being vaccinated because they have to get needles and those things hurt!

But the pain of being vaccinated isn't the same as being abused. You can explain that although something like a needle hurts, it's good for them because the medicine from the needle helps your child's body stay strong and healthy. When people are being abusive, they're doing things to our body we don't want AND that aren't good for us.
Grown-ups should never touch in secret.
You can also let your children know that a grown-up or older person, like a babysitter or even a family member, should never, ever touch them and then ask them to keep it a secret. Let them know that if that happens, it's important to tell even if the grown-up told them not to. Also, let them know you won't ever be mad at them for telling you. You can also be clear that it's okay to tell at any time. Sometimes if someone does something to us that feels weird or bad we feel shocked or confused and we might not tell right away. That's okay and again, that's not their fault. Let them know that it's never too late or the wrong time to tell a trusted grown-up if they need help.

Finally, let your children know that it's never, ever their fault if a grown-up or older person does something harmful or abusive. No one ever deserves or causes someone else to hurt them.
If you have any comments or further questions about the topic, leave me a comment below. If you're interested in booking a workshop or a personal coaching session, please get in touch here.

Filed Under: Tagged With: 100 Questions, 100 Questions, child abuse, Nadine Thornhill Sexuality Educator, sexual abuse Consent, School Age, YouTube

Every day in April, I'll be posting a video about one of the questions in my guide, (Over) 100 Questions To Ask Your Kids About Sexuality. The guide is free and if you don't have it, you can get it by clicking here.

It's spring which, according to old-timey Disney cartoons, is the time of year when flowers and animals fall in love! Even though I'm pretty sure that's not how mating works, spring is nice and love is sweet, so let's talk about it with our tweens and ask them, "do you have a crush on anyone?"

VIDEO

It's not unusual for youth at this age to have their first crushes. Your tween might have one, or they might not. Or they might have one and not want to tell you about it. Which is fine. You don't have to push. Just the simple fact of you asking the question lets them know that you are open to talking about it if that's what they want. Now if your tween does reveal that they have a crush, you can ask a couple of gentle follow-up questions. Asking, "do want to tell me who it is?" may feel less intrusive for your tween than just "Who is it?!" If they choose to reveal the person's identity, you might then ask them something like "What are the things you like best about them?" The purpose here is for you to let your tween know that crushes are an acceptable topic of conversation.

Something a lot of younger adolescents really don't seem to like is when we adults get all gushy and start cooing about how their new crush-y feelings are "awwww....SO cute!" Come to think of it, does anyone like that? It can make tweens feel self-conscious, or immature. I also find it a bit condescending. Is your tween going to make a lifelong commitment to this first crush? Probably not. But that doesn't mean that but their attraction isn't real or doesn't deserve to be taken seriously. You can also let youth know that it's okay NOT to have a crush. Kids mature at different rates. Lots of tweens aren't interested in romantic things yet, and that's chill. Also? Some people, including tweens, will never be romantically or sexually inclined. Also completely normal.
If you have any comments or further questions about the topic, leave me a comment below. If you're interested in booking a workshop or a personal coaching session, please get in touch here.

Filed Under: Tagged With: 100 Questions, 100 Questions, First crush, Nadine Thornhill Sexuality Educator Nadine Thornhill, Parenting, Tween, YouTube

Every day in April, I'll be posting a video about one of the questions in my guide, (Over) 100 Questions To Ask Your Kids About Sexuality. The guide is free and if you don't have it, you can get it by clicking here.

This is our second question in a row for school-age kids. Today we're asking them: " How does it feel to say "no" to someone you like?" VIDEO

You can use this question to open up your first conversation related to consent. Because we're talking to children, we aren't getting into sexual consent, but we are helping them acknowledge the reality that it can be hard to say "no" to somebody we like or love, and hopefully we can build on these early conversations later if our kids do choose to date or have sex.

Not as simple as "just say no".
Some kids aren't at all pressed when it comes to asserting their boundaries. If they don't want to do something, they will let you know! But other kids may struggle to a bit when it comes to saying "no".

We can let kids know that when we don't want like playing with a friend, or we don't feel like giving our aunty a kiss, it's can feel uncomfortable or even scary to say "no". Maybe we're worried about hurting their feelings or that they'll be mad at us?

You can let your kids know that they're always allowed to speak up when something feels wrong. You can also acknowledge that sometimes people do get upset or feel hurt when we tell them "no". It doesn't feel good for us when our friends or family are sad. But your child doesn't have to give or receive affection or play a game that makes your child feel sad just so that other people don't feel bad. It's wonderful to be kind and to think of others, but we shouldn't have to sacrifice our own well-being.

Hopefully, this will be the first conversation of many about setting boundaries. The point of these types of talks is to help our kids build a foundation so that they have the tools and the emotional strength to say "no" when they need to.

Keep working on it and hopefully, by the time your child is old enough for a sexual relationship, it will be easier for them to assert themselves in situations that don't serve them...even if their partner doesn't like it.
If you have any comments or further questions about the topic, leave me a comment below. If you're interested in booking a workshop or a personal coaching session, please get in touch here.

Every day in April, I'll be posting a video about one of the questions in my guide, (Over) 100 Questions To Ask Your Kids About Sexuality. The guide is free and if you don't have it, you can get it by clicking here.

Here's a question about personal and family boundaries that you can ask your school age children: "In our family what parts of bodies do we keep covered?" This conversation is all about your family's values around modesty. There's no right or wrong answer here. You get to set the dress code that works in your home. Some families are fine with total nudity around the house. Other families choose to keep their bodies covered virtually all the time. You might have a rule that certain parts of the body, such as breasts or genitals need to stay clothed. You might allow nudity amongst family members of the same gender; but not in mixed gender groups. You might believe it's okay for kids to be naked with siblings and parents to be naked with each other, but not for adults to be naked around kids or vice-versa. Some folks perceive nudity or particular parts of the body as being fundamentally sexual. For others, that perception can change based on who we're looking at and what the situation is. There are also people who never think of people or their bodies in sexual ways. The long and short is that it's all very individual. So when you're explaining the family guidelines about nudity and modesty to your kids, consider taking some time to let them know why you've put these boundaries in place and what your values are.

For more on family values around nudity, check out one of my very first videos here.

If you have any comments or further questions about the topic, leave me a comment below. If you're interested in booking a workshop or a personal coaching session, please get in touch here.

Filed Under: Tagged With: 100 Questions, 100 Questions, dress codes, Modesty, Nadine Thornhill Sexuality Educator, nudity Parenting, YouTube

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MeToo. Before it was a hashtag, popularized by celebrities, it was a movement started by a woman named Tanara Burke, an activist working with young sexual assault survivors. The movement began over ten years ago, but only recently have some of us been willing to listen to the people who need to tell us that their sexual agency was disregarded, ignored and violated.

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Cheat sheet created by Keri-Lee & Daniel to help parents talk to their children about this topic. Organised into Primary and Secondary sections

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A good example of how cultural myths influence our understanding of sexuality.

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Adam Ruins Everything - The Truth About Hymens and Sex

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Emily pops Adam's knowledge cherry and explains why everything we've learned about the hymen is a myth. Subscribe: http://full.sc/1s9KQGe Watch Full Episodes for FREE: http://bit.ly/1Rw2yzp In Adam Ruins Everything, host Adam Conover employs a combination of comedy, history and science to dispel widespread misconceptions about everything we take for granted.

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A sensitively written book about a transgender fourth grader.

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BE WHO YOU ARE. When people look at George, they think they see a boy. But she knows she's not a boy. She knows she's a girl. George thi...

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ASAP Science produced this informative video about pubic hair.

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"As parents, it's our job to teach our kids about sex. But beyond "the talk," which covers biology and reproduction, there's so much more we can say about the human experience of being in our bodies. Introducing "The Talk 2.0," Sue Jaye Johnson shows us how we can teach our children to tune in to their sensations and provide them with the language to communicate their desires and emotions -- without shutting down or numbing out."

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Sue Jaye Johnson: What we don't teach kids about sex

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As parents, it's our job to teach our kids about sex. But beyond "the talk," which covers biology and reproduction, there's so much more we can say about the human experience of being in our bodies.

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What Young Women Believe About Their Own Sexual Pleasure

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What Young Women Believe About Their Own Sexual Pleasure

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"Why do girls feel empowered to engage in sexual activity but not to enjoy it? For three years, author Peggy Orenstein interviewed girls ages 15 to 20 about their attitudes toward and experiences of sex. She discusses the pleasure that's largely missing from their sexual encounters and calls on us to close the "orgasm gap" by talking candidly with our girls from an early age about sex, bodies, pleasure and intimacy."

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Peggy Orenstein: What young women believe about their own sexual pleasure

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Why do girls feel empowered to engage in sexual activity but not to enjoy it? For three years, author Peggy Orenstein interviewed girls ages 15 to 20 about their attitudes toward and experiences of sex.

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A website aimed at answering teen questions about sex, sexuality, gender, pregnancy, abuse, relationships etc...

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Scarleteen | Sex Education For The Real World

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Inclusive, comprehensive, supportive sexuality and relationships info for teens and emerging adults.

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A really clear website based in Canada aimed at teenagers that provides factual information on sexual activity, sexuality, contraception, STIs, pregnancy and consent.

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SexandU.ca takes a real-life approach to the questions and issues around sex and sexuality that matter most to Canadians. From talking about sex, to lifestyle choices, to contraception awareness and sexually transmitted infections, SexandU.ca provides accurate, credible, and up-to-date information and education on topics related to sexual and reproductive health.

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How to Have the Sexting Talk with Your Kid

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How to Have the Sexting Talk with Your Kid

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This realistic view of talking to your kids about sexting provides some great approaches for parents to try. Written by Marnie Goldenburg (a.k.a. the Sexplainer).

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When I was 13, I talked on the phone a lot. There were long, breathless chats with my besties and awkward, hormone-fuelled chats with boys. I'd have to dial the wall-mounted rotary phone in my kitchen, then have a polite conversation with my friend's mom or dad before the phone was passed to my pal so we could chat about school, the weekend and friend drama.

Most of today's teens are chatting about the same things with the same people, but their conversations aren't confined to the kitchen, and they don't actually have to talk. By grade 7, more than half of students have their own device, which they use for emoji-filled texting. During adolescence, they experience a lot of social and sexual development, and sometimes text messages cross over into sexting. Sexting is sending, receiving or forwarding sexually explicit messages or images; it can be flirtatious and welcome-and in that context, it can be a healthy thing to do. Using thumbs to type out a sexy phrase can be a form of safe sex-no one will become pregnant or contract an STI.

Age-by-age guide to talking to kids about sexBut this era of selfies, Snapchat and Insta stories has stretched our concept of privacy. For tweens and teens, digital exposure is almost a part of their DNA. While adolescents often have a different (and more laissez-faire) perspective on privacy, what they do care about is their peers. And the pressure they can feel from friends is real. Digital communication can make that pressure intense, given its immediacy and 24/7 access. While, ideally, sexting is consensual, mutual and pleasurable for everyone involved, when some teens engage in it, they may be feeling some pressure.

Some parents believe that their child would never engage in sexting, or they have forbidden it. Regardless, it's crucial to consider our kids' position on sexting and have conversations about it with them. Here's how to lay the groundwork.

1. Try not to imply that their sexuality scares you
Your child's budding sexuality is healthy and they will benefit from understanding what is unfolding. Try to identify your concerns-social and peer pressure, lack of privacy, lack of consent-and communicate in ways that help build their confidence to explore the (increasingly digital) world when it comes to their emerging sexuality.

2. Discuss what happens to images after
Remind your kid that, once an image is in the world, you can't take it back. People can take screen grabs, hide images behind firewalls and hold onto them well beyond any intended period. Even if your child feels comfortable sending a sexy image to a serious partner, it's possible that the image could eventually reach unintended audiences: extended family, teachers, future employers, kids they babysit, etc. And if they receive an image, they should consider it a gift-one that is only for their eyes and is time limited. That means they can enjoy it but then must delete it. They can't store it, let others look at it on their device or forward it.

3. Don't believe the hype
There's so much panic around sexting but the reality is, few young people do it. In research by the McCreary Centre Society on British Columbia youth, nine percent of grade 7 to 12 students anonymously reported engaging in sexting. You might remind your teen that it isn't common-so that they don't do it because they think everyone else is. Rather than forbid sexting, make sure your teen knows that it's fine to wait to engage in this type of sexual communication.

4. Focus on what healthy relationships look like
Young people report a strong interest in learning about relationships. So, if you spend lots of time talking about what a healthy relationship looks like, then they will be able to contextualize the possibility of sharing sexy images as part of a healthy relationship. Help them understand that, during adolescence, friendships and relationships can shift quickly. That means that even when they have strong feelings for another person, building trust takes time.

5. Model responsible use of social media
Take a look at your habits and how you share information and images online. I'm guilty of posting photos of my kids being cute or outrageous without their permission-I may have inadvertently reinforced the idea that their images belong in the public sphere, with or without their consent.

6. Talk about the law
It is debatable whether the laws related to child pornography are appropriate for dealing with 16-year-olds who share sexy images with friends-and only in very rare cases does it end up in the courts or in the news. Nevertheless, distributing sexual images of underage people is illegal and can have significant repercussions. The law may not dissuade young people from sexting, but if they have a device, they are old enough to know the potential implications of doing so.

7. Don't have one conversation-have many
Sometimes it's tough to string together the words or broach the subject. Here are some conversation starters:

Think about sexting as a sex act-always make sure you have enthusiastic consent from your partner before you send sexual content or create or share any sexual images. Don't pressure anyone and be responsible when you know someone is trying to please you.

To be sure sexting is respectful and consensual, communicate about it beforehand. If broaching the subject feels uncomfortable or wrong, maybe sexting isn't right either.

If you're both interested in sexualized content, instead of sending sexy images, you could offer a description of your body since a sexy note is a great way to express yourself. This may feel equally exciting and less risky.

If you decide to send a sexy selfie, choose images without your face and consider angles or views that don't include obvious markers (birthmarks, for instance). Or go for sexy without nudity. After all, people can be very sexy without taking off their clothes.

Marnie Goldenberg writes about and teaches sex education. Her focus is on helping parents and other adults raise sex-smart kids. Marnie is working hard to raise two of her own.

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How to have the sexting talk with your kid

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When I was 13, I talked on the phone a lot. There were long, breathless chats with my besties and awkward, hormone-fuelled chats with boys . I'd have to dial the wall-mounted rotary phone in my kitchen, then have a polite conversation with my friend's mom or dad before the phone was passed to my pal so we could chat about school, the weekend and friend drama.

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This must-watch short video is an excellent way of explaining the important notion of consent.

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Age-by-Age Guide to Talking to Kids About Sex

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Age-by-Age Guide to Talking to Kids About Sex

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Super helpful to see age appropriate guidance. Be mindful to consider sexuality as well as sex education in your conversations

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Talking to your kid about sex can be daunting. So we asked the experts how and when to cover everything from sex and puberty to gender identity and consent.

Photo: iStockphoto

Now a mom to a 10-month-old and a two-and-a-half-year-old, King wants to keep that promise. There's just one problem. "I need some basic guidance, an outline perhaps, of what to talk about and when," she says.

King's uncertainty is hardly unique, says Nadine Thornhill, a Toronto-based sex educator and mom to an 11-year-old. "This is what I do for a living and I still struggle to have these conversations with my own child." She notes that, while it's normal to feel awkward and nervous, it's important to focus on being honest. "There's more risk with not telling them enough than telling them too much," she says, adding that it's OK to admit that you don't have all the answers.

Just before you tackle any of your child's sex-related inquiries, Cory Silverberg, sex educator and author of Sex Is A Funny Word: A Book About Bodies, Feelings And You, suggests you first ask a clarifying question such as "Where did you hear that word?" in order to give an appropriate response.

While pop culture likes to portray teaching kids about sex as just one big "talk," experts agree that sex is something kids should always be learning about. They recommend weaving sex into everyday discussions, layering in more information over time and introducing certain concepts at specific ages. With that in mind, we've put together this age-specific guide to help you learn how to talk to kids about sex.

How to talk to kids about sex from birth to age 2

"The process of talking about sex should start before they're verbal," says Silverberg. That means incorporating the proper names for genitals and body parts into everyday activities like bath time. While Silverberg isn't against also using cutesy names, "Penis, vulva, vagina, clitoris, bum and nipples are all terms that every toddler should know," he says, explaining that they need these words to communicate health issues or injuries.

Closer to age two, you can start talking to your kids about when and where it's appropriate to explore their bodies. If your toddler has the tendency to touch his genitals-which is perfectly normal-use it as an opportunity to explain how that's something we do in the privacy of our bedrooms.

"You want to be really gentle," Thornhill says, explaining that you don't want your child to feel like he's doing something shameful.

How to talk to kids about sex when they're 2 to 5 years old

Establishing that kids have a say over their own bodies also helps with keeping them safe. While you can skip the explicit details, now is when you should be telling your child that others should never ask to or try to touch their genitals. Thornhill says it's important to convey that your kids can tell you about inappropriate actions at any time, even if they've previously kept it a secret.

At this age, kids can be very curious about each other's bodies. Thornhill explains that it's important to acknowledge this inquisitiveness and use it as an entry point to discuss your family's rules and values. "Talk to them explicitly about when it's appropriate to be naked," she says. And if you do catch your kids playing doctor, don't freak out. Instead, discuss how it's not appropriate to handle other people's genitals, as these are very special parts of the body that shouldn't be touched by others.

At this age, your child might begin asking how babies are made. For Silverberg, the easiest and most inclusive answer is, "There are lots of ways." The author, whose first book What Makes a Baby answers this question for the preschool set, explains, "The amount of detail one goes into really depends on how much you think your child can comprehend." If your child wants more information, you might try something like, "Two grown-ups get their bodies together and share the sperm and the egg to make a child like you, or sometimes they get the sperm or egg from someone else." Silverberg adds that it's fine to tell your child that some details, like how sperm and egg meet, will be discussed later. "It's just important not to lie." He adds that it's important to actually follow up with those questions and not just refuse to talk about certain things.

Thornhill suggests exploring how babies are made by telling kids their own birth story, which lets you tailor the details to your family's specific situation. Just be sure to note that your child's birth story is just one of many ways that families are made.

It's important to introduce kids of this age group to the idea that families and relationships can be built in various ways. If your kids are part of or are regularly around non-traditional families, they'll naturally pick up on this, explains Silverberg. But if they aren't, "Make sure that you have a few good books that aren't just on nuclear, heterosexual families."

How to talk to kids about sex when they're 6 to 8 years old

"Calmly explain that those sorts of websites are about grown-ups doing grown-up things," she says. While there's no need to present pornography as something bad, you will want to state that these types of websites are just for adults.

At this age, you can also speak more explicitly to kids about sexual abuse. Silverberg explains that it's important for kids to know about this unfortunate reality in order to protect themselves or help a friend who experiences abuse. How detailed this talk gets really depends on your child.

Silverberg recommends starting with the basics, such as how no one should be touching them without their permission, then revisiting the subject a few days later to gauge what they understood and how they feel. If your child gets upset, you may want to hit pause on this topic until they're a little older.

By now, it might be time to explain the actual mechanics of sex to kids. Silverberg notes that there's nothing wrong with introducing this information earlier if your child seems ready for it, or delaying it a bit if you think they won't comprehend it. To make this discussion easier on you, he suggests incorporating a good book that's aimed at anticipating your child's many questions.

Talking about sex can go hand-in-hand with another key topic: puberty. Thornhill says when kids are around age six, this can be a simple discussion about how bodies change as we grow. For example, you could compare photos of when they were little with what they look like now. Silverberg recommends saving the more detailed puberty talk until just before your child or those in her peer group start experiencing it. Otherwise, he says, "It seems like you're talking about an alien planet."

Children with vaginas can expect to start puberty between nine and eleven. For them, a key indicator that this change is underway is the development of breast buds. This change usually starts before age 10. Menstruation follows a few years later, usually around age 12 (though earlier isn't uncommon). Children with penises tend to start puberty closer to 10, with pubic hair growth being the first clear sign. No matter how you approach talking about sex, this age is also a good time to talk about gender identity.

When it comes to discussing puberty, Silverberg recommends sharing a good book with your child that can walk you both through puberty's more technical aspects, such as the differences between testosterone and estrogen, and why and how our bodies undergo changes in hair, genitals, voices, etc. He also says to make this a general talk. "It isn't that girls get one lesson and boys get one lesson." Kids should learn not only about their own bodies, but also other bodies. While the detailed mechanics of puberty might be limited to one conversation, the impact of this transition should be an ongoing discussion.

"Kids of this age also need to learn more about the range of gender expression," says Silverberg. If it's a topic you've been shying away from, educate yourself first. Thornhill suggests starting the conversation with how you can't tell someone's gender based on their genitals.

How to talk to kids about sex when they're 9 to 12 years old

Silverberg explains that now is when you should start talking about sexism and sexualisation. Use examples found in the media or even in your own community-for example, a grandparent who thinks boys should only have short hair-to spark discussions. These chats can be depressing, but support kids to find their power, and point out positive examples of individuals who have overcome stereotypes. Also, point out how progress has been made; for example, with more women working in STEM fields.

This age is full of emotional and social changes, and girls in particular may struggle with body issues. Thornhill encourages parents to check in with their children about how they're feeling and what they're wondering about. "At this age, it's really just emphasizing over and over again that it's normal," when it comes to how their bodies are changing.

Something else you want to normalize is safe sex. "By 11, you want to start having conversations about sexual choices and safer sex," says Thornhill. She admits that, as a mother herself, this idea is a bit jarring, but it's also crucial, since research shows that teens make bet ter choices when they know the risks. Thornhill says you should highlight different types of birth control and explain the basics of how they work.

Ask your child "What do you think it means to be respectful on social media?" And when high-profile stories on sexting or online bullying are in the news, use them as jumping-off points to ask your child how they would handle similar situations.

How to talk to your teenager about sex

Talking with your kids about sex, sexuality and sexual behaviors early in life pays off once they've hit their teens. If you've established yourself as open to discussing those topics, "Your kids are probably going to feel more comfortable talking to you and asking you questions," says Thornhill.

But if you've been quiet on the subject of sex up till now, she recommends sitting down with your teen and stating that you're changing your ways. "Even just hearing that is really reassuring for most kids," Thornhill says.

Peter Dazeley/ Getty Images

While you generally want to minimize the lectures, teens need real talk about birth control and sexually transmitted infections, says Thornhill. You might even want to supply condoms or set up a doctor's appointment for hormonal birth control.

It's also important to frequently discuss consent in sexual relationships. "You need to be thinking about how to help them protect themselves against pressure and dating violence," says Silverberg, adding that conversations around these topics should include the impact drinking and drugs can have on judgment.

Frequent conversations around healthy relationships are crucial. If your child is reluctant to talk about herself, Silverberg recommends that you talk about "friends at school" instead. You may also want to share relationship stories from your past.

Ultimately, when it comes to teens, you want to empower your child to be able to evaluate risks and make good decisions. "Helping kids understand that they have a gut, an inner voice, and they can and should listen to it, is a big part of what sex education is about," says Silverberg. And by discussing the right topics at the right ages, you're setting your child up to do just that.

This article was originally published on Sep 24, 2021

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How to talk to kids about sex - Today's Parent

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This subject can be daunting- so we asked experts how to talk to kids about sex covering everything from intercourse, puberty, gender identity and consent.

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My 12 (13,14) year old is looking at porn

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My 12 (13,14) year old is looking at porn

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The Sexplainer provides a great overview for parents of Middle School age students.

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Mine isn't. Or, at least, I don't think they are.

But for those who discover that their kids are using porn, remember to breathe. What this is telling you is that your kid is transitioning into adolescence. And part of that transition very commonly includes sexual curiosity and sexual arousal. Those are both healthy things and do not need to be met with panic.

For those of you, like me, who haven't made this discovery (yet), don't fool yourselves, seeing porn is a reality for most of our young people.

So what should we all do? If you haven't already, get clear on what your values are when it comes to porn. Do some reading and thinking and talking to your co-parent and/or close friends.

I've done some reading, thinking and talking and my overarching goals when I talk to young people about porn is to 1) make it safe to talk about; 2) define porn and it's intended purpose and audience; 3) distinguish between 'porn sex' and 'real sex'; and 4) allow young people to think about their values around porn and healthy relationships.

More concretely, here's are the high points:

Reassure kids by (re)stating that sex is a good thing, that being curious about it is common and healthy..

Pornography (or porn) is text, pictures or videos containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity intended to stimulate sexually.

People have been reading about or looking at images of naked people/ people having sex for a long time. Getting turned on by sexy pictures, videos or writing is good, healthy and normal. So, by the way, is not getting turned on by porn. Masturbation is good, healthy and normal and pairing these two things together can be, you guessed it, good, healthy and normal.

There is a lot of porn on the Internet and it's very easy to find or stumble upon it. That has created challenges where young people are concerned. The top reasons why young people look at porn is 1) curiosity; 2) to learn; and 3) to get aroused. Problem is without life experience and comprehensive sex ed young people may consider what they see in porn to be 'real sex'. There is research that tells us that young porn users are more likely to have unrealistic attitudes about sexual activity and relationships and tend to be more accepting of stereotyped gender roles.

Porn is the wrong place to learn about sex. Most porn doesn't show any communication or negotiation, both of which are required for mutually pleasurable, respectful and safe sexual relationships. Even mainstream media cut out these critical elements of healthy sexuality and may leave people with unrealistic expectations. Let's teach our kids not take relationship cues from Rom Coms either.

The sex people see in porn videos are real sexual acts but they are a performance. Just like a play in the theatre, porn is not real life. The people are actors and are performing for a pay cheque.

The actors overwhelmingly do not physically represent the population. Guys are buff and have enormous penises. Women are slim, big breasted and have tiny labia. Also, everyone is hairless. And unless an alternative is specifically sought, people are light skinned.

People who perform in porn take all sorts of actions to fit within this narrow description. Altering bodies is commonplace.

The sex in porn is scripted, generally not by the actors but by the company wanting to make a profit on the video. The sexual activities that will be engaged in are not a reflection of what most people do when having mutually satisfying sex. Instead the sex is often focused on male pleasure, sometimes at the expense of the women involved. Sex therapist Dr. Marty Klein talks about the violence in The Three Stooges. Larry, Curly and Moe poke each other but it's simulated. Often that happens in porn too. People play 'sex games' that include playing with power and pain. Sometimes women are disrespected, even treated violently. Sometimes that's part of the performance, but sometimes it's not. Either way, with most porn, it can be hard to tell.

A porn shoot is usually well lit and actors are positioned so cameras can get in close to video genitals. Those positions are far from typical when there is no camera. Videos are also heavily edited. You don't see erections disappear, required applications of lubrication, muscle cramps or sneezing. In other words, real life sex happens in the course of real life. Produced sex typically does not.

Another concern is when people (especially young men) get too accustomed to using porn to masturbate. Research is starting to tell us that when a younger personusually gets off to porn they can struggle to have pleasurable sexual experiences with others.
Our social media (selfies, Instagram, etc.) blurs the line around being 'in the moment' versus creating something to be seen and appreciated by others. Too many people get caught up in how they look while engaged in sexual activity and porn reinforces this further. In fact, where people watch porn without a broader understanding of sex, they might come to think of themselves as not measuring up - their bodies don't look or perform right when they are engaged sexually with others. What a huge and debilitating set up.

Porn, especially explicit videos, isn't meant for young people because as a person's sexuality emerges, each of us need to figure out desire on our own terms. Young people need to close their eyes and use their powerful imaginations to explore their desire and tap into their own sexual response. Once they understand it better, which can take anywhere from years to a lifetime, if they choose to further explore that desire with porn, I think it can be utilized in a healthy way. But overwhelmingly porn cuts young people off from their budding desires, or at least from the fullness of their desires.

All of this ought to be communicated in a brief conversation. Or several conversations. As people interested in raising sex smart kids, lecturing doesn't help. Finally, we can acknowledge that seeing images or videos of sex is compelling and likely meets some of a young person's curiosity. To raise kids who don't feel shame around sex, it's important to message that people figuring out what gives them pleasure is a great thing. We can tell a more complete story about porn, but the fact that our childrens lives might include porn is a reality we can be okay with.

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My 12 (13,14) year old is looking at porn

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Mine isn't. Or, at least, I don't think they are. But for those who discover that their kids are using porn, remember to breathe. What this is telling you is that your kid is transitioning into adolescence. And part of that transition very commonly includes sexual curiosity and sexual arousal.

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Talking to Our Kids About Porn (for young children)

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Talking to Our Kids About Porn (for young children)

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This is an excellent article with very helpful points which would be a great opening conversation to have with your younger (primary age) children.

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Last week I got a call from a parent. She was beside herself as she explained that she had discovered that her barely 7 year old daughter was looking at porn.

Many of us might have a judgey thought or two about monitoring computer time or using parental controls but let's face it, today, all our kids can find porn. It's about two clicks away from any Weird Al or funny pet video.

I don't want to pretend that I'd be cool and collected. I'd be upset too. But this is a really important moment because I think our response will have a greater impact than the actual viewing of the porn.

In fact, we best empower kids (and feel somewhat in control) if we introduce the topic of porn rather than wait to discover that they sought it out or stumbled upon it accidentally. And let's be honest, our chances of knowing if our kids have seen porn increases if we are engaged in open dialogue with them about sex.

I think most parents would agree that the prevelance of porn is a big deal. That's a reason to confront it and not hide. That's a reason to proactively communicate rather than take a reactive approach to talking to our kids about it.

I can't say what the right age for talking to kids about porn is. You know your kids best. What I can say with certainty is that we delay conversations about sex well past when we could offer information, knowledge and values to our kids on the topic in ways that will serve them well.

Ideally, when it's time to talk about porn, we have already had many conversations with our kids about how sex is a wonderful part of the human experience. This 'sex as a healthy and positive thing' is the earliest perspective that kids can hold. With the fundamental belief that sexuality is a force of good in the world, they can learn and understand that it is also complex and can be used to hurt themselves and others. It's from this place that people can be good decision-makers.

Last year I talked to my (then) 9 year old about porn. Leading up to the conversation was nerve-racking but it's important to me that I'm their first source of information on the topic. My children are too important to pretend that porn won't eventually reach them. And to me, it's complicated and carries substantial impact that I can't disregard. I want to inform their perspectives on the subject.

So in a quiet and relaxed space, I asked my kid if he had ever heard of the word porn or pornography. He said no. Then I launched in. Here's what I covered in my (maybe) 4 minute introduction to porn:

Porn is pictures and videos of naked people and/or people having sex;

There is a lot of porn on the internet and it's pretty easy to find on purpose or by mistake;

Porn is made to turn adults on (make them feel sexy) which is fine since it's perfectly okay for adults to feel that way. Looking at porn, like engaging in sex, is adult activity. It's not for kids at all;

Porn isn't trying to teach people things. It's not a good place to learn about sex and sexuality; and

If you see any porn or friends want to show you some, I'd like for you to not engage and want you to let me know so that we can talk about it. And, if you have questions about sex, I'm really happy to answer them for you or offer you resources that do a good job at teaching kids about the topic.

When talking to kids who have already seen porn, these are still the fundamental points to communicate. We need to not be alarmist or punative. We should tell our kid that they're not in any trouble but that we are concerned about what they saw. We can highlight (and celebrate) their curiosity while still messaging that porn isn't the right response to that curiosity. We can reassure them that porn is so easy to find that having a parent or other trusted adult help out with that curiosity is a really good idea.

Future conversations will tackle things like the limited perspective and body types in mainstream porn, as well as the near absent intimacy and communication depicted. We'll also talk about the concerns associated with frequent use of porn, sexual exploitation, gender roles in porn, and so much more.

I won't wait too long before I get brave and initiate the next conversation.

When will you initiate a chat about porn with your kid?

--------
I also wrote about telling my kid about sexual assault and about wanting to be the person who offered him his first lesson on the topic.

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Last week I got a call from a parent. She was beside herself as she explained that she had discovered that her barely 7 year old daughter was looking at porn. Many of us might have a judgey thought or two about monitoring computer time or using parental controls but let's face it, today, all our kids can find porn.

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A true story of two male penguins making a non-traditional family by caring for a penguin chick.

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Patricia Polacco is a very well known author. In this picture book, she shows what family means, through the eyes of a family with two mothers.

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Marmee, Meema, and the kids are just like any other family on the block. In their beautiful house, they cook dinner together, they laugh together, and they dance together. But some of the other families don?t accept them. They say they are different. How can a family have two moms and no dad? But Marmee and Meema?s house is full of love. And they teach their children that different doesn?t mean wrong. And no matter how many moms or dads they have, they are everything a family is meant to be.

Here is a true Polacco story of a family, living by their own rules, and the strength they gain by the love they feel.

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Amazon.com: In Our Mothers' House: 9780399250767: Polacco, Patricia, Polacco, Patricia: Books

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A great breakdown of the nuances of "gender".

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A humorous approach to puberty, with a lot of detail.

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it's ok to be you: a frank and funny guide to growing up

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
It's OK to Be You: A Frank and Funny Guide to Growing Up

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It's OK to Be You: A Frank and Funny Guide to Growing Up [Claire Patterson, Lindsay Quilter] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Explains puberty and discusses how to feel good emotionally and physically through difficult and changing times

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An oldy, but a goodie! This book has been popular for introducing Puberty for over 20 years.

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what's happening to me?: an illustrated guide to puberty

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
children's / teenage personal & social issues: body & health

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / life stages / adolescence

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction / health & daily living / maturing

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juvenile nonfiction / social topics / adolescence

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
personal & social issues: body & health (children's / teenage)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / life stages / adolescence

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction / health & daily living / maturing

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction / social topics / adolescence

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
family & relationships / life stages / adolescence

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction / health & daily living / maturing

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction / social topics / adolescence

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
personal & social issues: body & health (children's / teenage)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
What's Happening To Me?: An Illustrated Guide to Puberty

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For more than twenty years, What's Happening to Me? has helped parents explain puberty to their children who are experiencing "growing pains".More than one million children and young adults have enjoyed the humor and honesty in this book, while learning what really happens to their bodi...

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Excellent first book about how babies are made. “A Truly Inclusive Way to Answer the Question 'Where Do Babies Come From?': The new book What Makes a Baby offers an origin story for all children, no matter what their families look like." —The Atlantic"

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Finalist for the 2014 Lambda Award for LGBT Children's/Young Adult"What Makes a Baby is extraordinary! Cory is a Dr. Spock for the 21st century."-Susie Bright"A Truly Inclusive Way to Answer the Question 'Where Do Babies Come From?': The new book What Makes a Baby off...

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Humorous picture book by Babette Cole about how babies are made

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Mummy Laid An Egg! (Red Fox Picture Books) by Babette Cole (1995-06-01)

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Mummy Laid An Egg! (Red Fox Picture Books) by Babette Cole (1995-06-01) [Babette Cole;] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers.

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This picture book by Babette Cole explains puberty and hormones in a humorous way. Suitable for young children

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Hair In Funny Places by Cole, Babette (2001) Paperback

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Hair In Funny Places by Cole, Babette (2001) Paperback [Babette Cole] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers.

# data[].attributes.headline
It's So Amazing!  A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families

# data[].attributes.subject
It's So Amazing!  A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families

# data[].attributes.body
Recommended for age 7 and up, this book is the precursor to "It's Perfectly Normal". This is a great introduction to the basics of puberty and how babies are made.

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It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families (The Family Library)

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"An outstanding book. . . . Meets the needs of those in-between or curious kids who are not ready, developmentally or emotionally, for It's Perfectly Normal." -Booklist (starred review)How does a baby begin? What makes a baby male or female? How is a baby born? Children ha...

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This book is suitable for age 10 and up and is very comprehensive. It includes content on sex and sexuality.

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Gr 1 & Up-These highly acclaimed titles have been go-to guides for a whole generation of children, teens, and their parents wishing to address these delicate, often difficult-to-discuss topics. They are noteworthy for their straightforward and accessible style, reliable information, and warm, inclusive artwork. It's Perfectly Normal, which is geared toward children nearing puberty, has sold more than one million copies, been translated into more than 35 languages, and has been endorsed and used by teachers, librarians, clergy, health care and mental health professions across this country. It also has the distinction of being listed as #7 on the American Library Association's list of most frequently challenged books of the 21st century. This edition has been revised for a new generation, including updates in scientific and medical information about reproduction, birth control, abortion, sexual abuse, and sexually transmitted diseases. Harris and Emberley have also included information on gender identity and online safety. It's So Amazing!, written for a younger audience, has also been revised to include up-to-date scientific and medical information and also addresses being online and using the Internet. --This text refers to the Library Binding edition.

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health & daily living - fitness & exercise

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health & daily living - sexuality & pregnancy

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction / health & daily living / maturing

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juvenile nonfiction / health & daily living / sexuality & pregnancy

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction / science & nature / anatomy & physiology

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juvenile nonfiction / health & daily living / fitness & exercise

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juvenile nonfiction / social topics / dating & relationships

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction/health & daily living - fitness & exercise

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction/social topics - dating & relationships

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
personal & social issues: sex education & the facts of life (children's / teenage)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction / health & daily living / maturing

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction / health & daily living / sexuality & pregnancy

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction / science & nature / anatomy & physiology

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction / health & daily living / fitness & exercise

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction / social topics / dating & relationships

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction/health & daily living - fitness & exercise

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
juvenile nonfiction/social topics - dating & relationships

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
personal & social issues: sex education & the facts of life (children's / teenage)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health (The Family Library)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
The definitive book about puberty and sexual health for today's kids and teens, now fully updated for its twentieth anniversary. For two decades, this universally acclaimed book on sexuality has been the most trusted and accessible resource for kids, parents, teachers, librarians, and anyon...

# data[].attributes.headline
For Goodness' Sex: Changing the Way we Talk to Teens about Sexuality, Values & Health 

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For Goodness' Sex: Changing the Way we Talk to Teens about Sexuality, Values & Health 

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This book is written by sexuality educator Al Vernaccio.

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for goodness sex: changing the way we talk to teens about sexuality

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
teaching methods & materials - health & sexuality

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
education / teaching methods & materials / health & sexuality

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
psychology/human sexuality (see also social science - human sexuality)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
For Goodness Sex: Changing the Way We Talk to Teens About Sexuality, Values, and Health

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
A progressive, effective, and responsible approach to sex education for parents and teens that challenges traditional teaching models and instead embraces 21st century realities by promoting healthy sexuality, values, and body image in young people.Sex education today generally falls into one of ...

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TEDx Talk explaining why the speaker stopped watching porn. This personal story is very accessible.

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Why I stopped watching porn | Ran Gavrieli | TEDxJaffa

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Created by the same people as Miss Representation, this film looks at the stereotypes of what it means to "be a man." It is rated it as suitable for age 13+. Please note the film contains some explicit language. You can watch on Netflix, YouTube or iTunes.

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Film created to highlight the media's role in stereotyping women - valuing looks, youth and beauty above all else. Please note this film contains some explicit language, is rated 13+ and is available on Netflix or iTunes.

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Miss Representation Trailer (2011 Sundance Film Festival Official Selection)

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TED x Talk from sexuality educator Al Vernacchio. Well worth a watch.

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Sexuality Education | Al Vernacchio | TEDxWakeForestU

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Al Vernacchio discusses how sometimes when it comes to our own sexuality, our hearts and our minds are not in the same place. Al Vernacchio is a Human Sexuality educator and consultant, and spends his time publishing, lecturing, and holding workshops around sexual topics.

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What Teenagers are Learning from Online Porn

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What Teenagers are Learning from Online Porn

# data[].attributes.body
Comprehensive article from the NY Times about some of the conflicting and confusing messages young people are taking away from a sexual education largely based on porn.

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It's not surprising, then, that some adolescents use porn as a how-to guide. In a study that Rothman carried out in 2016 of 72 high schoolers ages 16 and 17, teenagers reported that porn was their primary source for information about sex - more than friends, siblings, schools or parents.

"There's nowhere else to learn about sex," the suburban boy told me. "And porn stars know what they are doing." His words reflect a paradox about sex and pornography in this country. Even as smartphones have made it easier for teenagers to watch porn, sex education in the United States - where abstinence-based sex education remains the norm - is meager. Massachusetts is among 26 states that do not mandate sex ed. And a mere 13 require that the material be medically and scientifically accurate. After some gains by the Obama administration to promote more comprehensive sex ed, which includes pregnancy prevention, discussions of anatomy, birth control, disease prevention, abstinence and healthy relationships, the Trump administration did not include the program in its proposed 2018 budget; it also has requested increased funding for abstinence education. Easy-to-access online porn fills the vacuum, making porn the de facto sex educator for American youth.

One Thursday afternoon, about a dozen teenagers sat in a semicircle of North Face zip-ups, Jordans, combat boots, big hoop earrings and the slumped shoulders of late afternoon. It was the third week of Porn Literacy, and everyone already knew the rules: You don't have to have watched porn to attend; no yucking someone else's yum - no disparaging a student's sexual tastes or sexuality. And avoid sharing personal stories about sex in class. Nicole Daley and Jess Alder, who wrote the curriculum with Emily Rothman and led most of the exercises and discussion, are in their 30s, warm and easygoing. Daley, who until last month was the director of Start Strong, played the slightly more serious favorite-aunt role, while Alder, who runs Start Strong's classes for teenagers, was the goofier, ask-me-anything big sister. Rothman also attended most of the classes, offering information about pornography studies and explaining to them, for example, that there is no scientific evidence that porn is addictive, but that people can become compulsive about it.

In the first class, Daley led an exercise in which the group defined porn terms (B.D.S.M., kink, soft-core, hard-core), so that, as she put it, "everyone is on the same page" and "you can avoid clicking on things you don't want to see." The students also "values voted" - agreeing or disagreeing about whether the legal viewing age of 18 for porn is too high, if working in the porn industry is a good way to make money and if pornography should be illegal. Later, Daley held up images of a 1940s pinup girl, a Japanese geisha and Kim Kardashian, to talk about how cultural values about beauty and bodies change over time. In future classes, they would talk about types of intimacy not depicted in porn and nonsexist pickup lines. Finally, Daley would offer a lesson about sexting and sexting laws and the risks of so-called revenge porn (in which, say, a teenager circulates a naked selfie of an ex without consent). And to the teenagers' surprise, they learned that receiving or sending consensual naked photos, even to your boyfriend or girlfriend, can be against the law if the person in the photo is a minor.

Now, in the third week of class, Daley's goal was to undercut porn's allure for teenagers by exposing the underbelly of the business. "When you understand it's not just two people on the screen but an industry," she told me, "it's not as sexy."

To that end, Daley started class by detailing a midlevel female performer's salary (taken from the 2008 documentary "The Price of Pleasure"): "Blow job: $300," Daley read from a list. "Anal: $1,000. Double penetration: $1,200. Gang bang: $1,300 for three guys. $100 for each additional guy."

"Wow," Drew muttered. "That makes it nasty now."

"That's nothing for being penetrated on camera," another boy said.

Then, as if they had been given a green light to ask about a world that grown-ups rarely acknowledge, they began peppering Daley, Rothman and Alder with questions.

"How much do men get paid?" one girl asked. It is the one of the few professions in which men are paid less, Rothman explained, but they also typically have longer careers. How long do women stay in their jobs? On average, six to 18 months. How do guys get erections if they aren't turned on? Often Viagra, Rothman offered, and sometimes a "fluffer," as an offscreen human stimulator is known.

Daley then asked the teenagers to pretend they were contestants on a reality-TV show, in which they had to decide if they were willing to participate in certain challenges (your parents might be watching) and for how much money. In one scenario, she said, you would kneel on the ground while someone poured a goopy substance over your face. In another, you'd lick a spoon that had touched fecal matter. The kids debated the fecal-matter challenge - most wouldn't to do it for less than $2 million. One wanted to know if the goop smelled. "Can we find out what it is?" asked another.

Then Daley explained that each was in fact a simulation of a porn act. The goopy substance was what's called a "baker's dozen," in which 13 men ejaculate on a woman's face, breasts and mouth.

"What?" a girl named Tiffany protested.

The second scenario - licking the spoon with fecal matter - was from a porn act known as A.T.M., in which a man puts his penis in a woman's anus and then immediately follows by sticking it in her mouth.

"No way," a 15-year-old boy said. "Can't you wash in between?"

Nope, Daley said.

"We don't question it when we see it in porn, right?" Daley went on. "There's no judgment here, but some of you guys are squeamish about it."

"I never knew any of this," Drew said, sounding a bit glum.

Daley went on to detail a 2010 study that coded incidents of aggression in best-selling 2004 and 2005 porn videos. She noted that 88 percent of scenes showed verbal or physical aggression, mostly spanking, slapping and gagging. (A more recent content analysis of more than 6,000 mainstream online heterosexual porn scenes by Bryant Paul and his colleagues defined aggression specifically as any purposeful action appearing to cause physical or psychological harm to another person and found that 33 percent of scenes met that criteria. In each study, women were on the receiving end of the aggression more than 90 percent of the time.)

"Do you think," Daley said, standing in front of the students, "watching porn leads to violence against women? There's no right or wrong here. It's a debate."

Kyrah, a 10th-grade feminist with an athlete's compact body and a tendency to speak her opinions, didn't hesitate. "In porn they glamorize calling women a slut or a whore, and younger kids think this is how it is. Or when they have those weird porn scenes and the woman is saying, 'Stop touching me,' and then she ends up enjoying it!"

Tiffany, her best friend, snapped her fingers in approval.

"Yes and no," one guy interjected. "When a man is choking a woman in porn, people know it is not real, and they aren't supposed to do it, because it's violence." He was the same teenager who told me he would just "do" anal sex without asking a girl, because the women in porn like it.

Pornography didn't create the narrative that male pleasure should be first and foremost. But that idea is certainly reinforced by "a male-dominated porn industry shot through a male lens," as Cindy Gallop puts it. Gallop is the creator of an online platform called MakeLoveNotPorn, where users can submit videos of their sexual encounters - which she describes as "real world," consensual sex with "good values" - and pay to watch videos of others.

For years, Gallop has been a one-woman laboratory witnessing how easy-to-access mainstream porn influences sex. Now in her 50s, she has spent more than a decade dating 20-something men. She finds them through "cougar" dating sites - where older women connect with younger men - and her main criterion is that they are "nice." Even so, she told me, during sex with these significantly younger nice men, she repeatedly encounters porn memes: facials, "jackhammering" intercourse, more frequent requests for anal sex and men who seem less focused on female orgasms than men were when she was younger. Gallop takes it upon herself to "re-educate," as she half-jokingly puts it, men raised on porn. Some people, of course, do enjoy these acts. But speaking of teenagers in particular, she told me she worries that hard-core porn leads many girls to think, for example, that "all boys love coming on girls' faces, and all girls love having their faces come on. And therefore, girls feel they must let boys come on their face and pretend to like it."

Though none of the boys I spoke to at Start Strong told me they had ejaculated on a girl's face, Gallop's words reminded me of conversations I had with some older high-schoolers in various cities. One senior said that ejaculating on a woman's face was in a majority of porn scenes he had watched, and that he had done it with a girlfriend. "I brought it up, or she would say, 'Come on my face.' It was an aspect I liked - and she did, too."

Another noted that the act is "talked about a lot" among guys, but said that "a girl's got to be down with it" before he'd ever consider doing it. "There is something that's appealing for guys. The dominance and intimacy and that whole opportunity for eye contact. Guys are obsessed with their come displayed on a girl."

Many girls at Start Strong were decidedly less enthusiastic. One senior told me a boyfriend asked to ejaculate on her face; she said no. And during a conversation I had with three girls, one senior wondered aloud: "What if you don't want a facial? What are you supposed to do? Friends say a boy cleans it with a napkin. A lot of girls my age like facials." But a few moments later, she reversed course. "I actually don't think they like it. They do it because their partner likes it." Next to her, a sophomore added that when older girls talk among themselves, many say it's gross. "But they say you gotta do what you gotta do." And if you don't, the first girl added, "then someone else will."

These are not new power dynamics between girls and boys. In a 2014 British study about anal sex and teenagers, girls expressed a similar lack of sexual agency and experienced physical pain. In the survey, of 130 heterosexual teenagers age 16 to 18, teenagers often said they believed porn was a motivating factor for why males wanted anal sex. And among the guys who reported trying it, many said friends encouraged them, or they felt competitive with other guys to do it. At the same time, a majority of girls who had tried anal sex said they didn't actually want to; their partners persuaded or coerced them. Some males took a "try it and see" approach, as researchers called it, attempting to put their finger or penis in a girl's anus and hoping she didn't stop them. Sometimes, one teenager reported, you "just keep going till they just get fed up and let you do it anyway." Both boys and girls blamed the girls for pain they felt during anal sex and some told researchers the girls needed to "relax" more or "get used to it." Only one girl said she enjoyed it, and only a few boys did. Teenagers may not know that even while porn makes it seem commonplace, in the 2009 national survey of American sex habits, most men and women who tried anal sex didn't make it a regular part of their sex lives. And in another study, by Indiana University's Debby Herbenick and others in 2015, about 70 percent of women who had anal sex said they experienced pain.

Drew had firsthand experience with what he had seen in porn not translating into actual pleasure. The first time he had sex, he thought he was supposed to exert some physical control over his girlfriend. But the whole thing felt awkward, too rough and not all that fun. And things that looked easy in porn, like sex while taking a shower or mutual oral sex, didn't go so well.

At one point during sex, Drew's girlfriend at the time, who was a year older and more experienced, asked him to put his hand around her neck during sex. He did it, without squeezing, and though it didn't exactly bother him, it felt uncomfortable. Drew never asked if she got the idea from porn, but it made him wonder. Had she also picked up other ways of acting? "Like, how do you really know a girl has had a good time?" he said one afternoon, musing aloud while sitting with some friends before Porn Literacy class. "My girlfriend said she had a good time," he went on. "She was moaning. But that's the thing: Is it fake moaning?"

Even if you know porn isn't realistic, it still sets up expectations, one senior told me. In porn, he said, "the clothes are off, and the girl goes down on the guy, he gets hard and he starts having sex with her. It's all very simple and well lit." Before he had sex, porn had supplied his images of oral sex, including scenes in which a woman is on her knees as a man stands over her. At one point, he thought that's how it might go one day when he had sex. But when he talked with his girlfriend, they realized they didn't want to re-enact that power dynamic.

I spent a couple of hours on a Wednesday afternoon at Start Strong with a senior girl who took the first Porn Literacy class in the summer of 2016. Looking back over the last several years of middle and high school, A., who asked me to identify her by the first initial of her middle name, said she wished she had had someplace - home, school, a community sex-ed program - to learn about sex. Instead, she learned about it from porn. She saw it for the first time by accident, after a group of sixth-grade boys cajoled her to look at tube8.com, which she didn't know was a porn site. She was fascinated. She had never seen a penis before, "not a drawing of one, nothing." A few years later, she searched online for porn again after listening to girls in the high school locker room talk about masturbation. A.'s parents, whom she describes as conservative about sex, hadn't talked to her about female anatomy or sex, and her school didn't offer any sex education before ninth grade; even then, it focused mostly on the dangers - sexually transmitted infections and diseases and pregnancy.

Aside from some private schools and innovative community programs, relatively few sex-ed classes in middle and high school delve in detail into anatomy (female, especially), intimacy, healthy relationships, sexual diversity. Even more rare are discussions of female desire and pleasure. Porn taught A. the basics of masturbation. And porn served as her study guide when she was 16 and was the first among her friends to have sex. She clicked through videos to watch women giving oral sex. She focused on how they moved during sex and listened to how they moaned. She began shaving her vulva ("I've never seen anyone in porn have sex with hair on it").

Porn is "not all bad," said A., who was frank and funny, with a slew of advanced-placement classes on her transcript and a self-assured manner that impresses adults. "I got my sexual ways from porn, and I like the way I am." But what she learned from porn had downsides too. Because she assumed women's pleasure in porn was real, when she first had intercourse and didn't have an orgasm, she figured that was just how it went.

For A., it wasn't enough to know that porn was fake sex. She wanted to understand how real sex worked. Rothman and her team did consult a sex educator while they were writing the Porn Literacy curriculum but decided to include only some basic information about safe sex. It came in the form of a "Porn Jeopardy" game during one class. The teenagers, clustered in teams, chose from four categories: S.T.D./S.T.I.s, Birth Control, Teen Violence/Sexual Assault and Porn on the Brain.

"S.T.I.s/S.T.D.s for $300," one student called out.

"Why is lubrication important for sex?" Alder asked.

"What's lubrication?" Drew asked.

"It's lube," another teenager said, in an attempt to explain.

"Is lubrication only the little tube-y things?" a girl with long black hair asked. "Or can it be natural?"

"I never learned this before," Drew announced to the class after it was mentioned that lubrication decreased friction, increased pleasure and could reduce the risk of tearing and therefore of S.T.I.s and S.T.D.s. Drew's only sliver of sex ed was in sixth grade with the school gym teacher, who sweated as he talked about sex, "and it was all about it being bad and we shouldn't do it."

As if to rectify that, Alder offered a quick anatomy lesson, drawing a vulva on the whiteboard and pointing out the clitoris, the vagina, the urethra. "This is called a vulva," she said. Alder repeated the word slowly and loudly, as if instructing the students in a foreign language. It was both for humor and to normalize a word that some of them may have been hearing for the first time. "This is the clitoris," Alder went on. "This is where women get most pleasure. Most women do not have a G spot. If you want to know how to give a woman pleasure, it's the clitoris."

"Let's move on," Rothman said quietly. Alder had just inched across a line in which anatomy rested on one side and female desire and pleasure on the other. It was a reminder that as controversial as it is to teach kids about pornography, it can be more taboo to teach them how their bodies work sexually. "The class is about critically analyzing sexually explicit media," Rothman told me later, "not how to have sex. We want to stay in our narrow lane and not be seen as promoting anything parents are uncomfortable with." Daley added: "I wish it were different, but we have to be aware of the limitations of where we are as a society."

Porn education is such new territory that no one knows the best practices, what material should be included and where to teach it. (Few people are optimistic that it will be taught anytime soon in public schools.) Several years ago, L. Kris Gowen, a sexuality educator and author of the 2017 book "Sexual Decisions: The Ultimate Teen Guide," wrote extensive guidelines for teaching teenagers to critique "sexually explicit media" (she avoided the more provocative term "porn literacy"). Even though Oregon, where Gowen lives, has one of the most comprehensive sex-ed programs in the country, Gowen said that teachers felt unequipped to talk about porn. And though the guidelines have been circulated at education conferences and made publicly available, Gowen doesn't know of a single educator who has implemented them. In part, she says, people may be waiting for a better sense of what's effective. But also, many schools and teachers are nervous about anything that risks them being "accused of promoting porn."

The most recent sex-education guidelines from the World Health Organization's European office note that educators should include discussions about the influence of pornography on sexuality starting with late elementary school and through high school. The guidelines don't, however, provide specific ideas on how to have those conversations.

In Britain, nonprofit organizations and a teachers' union, along with members of Parliament, have recommended that schools include discussions about the influence of porn on how children view sex and relationships. Magdalena Mattebo, a researcher at Uppsala University in Sweden who studies pornography and adolescents, would like porn literacy mandated in her country. "We are a little lost in how to handle this," Mattebo told me.

More than 300 schools, youth and community groups and government agencies in Australia and New Zealand use components of a porn-education resource called "In the Picture" that includes statistics, studies and exercises primarily for teenagers. It was created by Maree Crabbe, an expert on sexual violence and pornography education, who lives near Melbourne, Australia. As she put it during a United States training program for educators and social workers that I attended in 2016: "We want to be positive about sex, positive about masturbation and critical of pornography." One key component of the program is often neglected in porn literacy: providing training to help parents understand and talk about these issues.

Last year, a feminist porn producer, Erika Lust, in consultation with sex educators, created a porn-education website for parents. The Porn Conversation links to research and articles and provides practical tips for parents, including talking to kids about the ways mainstream porn doesn't represent typical bodies or mutually satisfying sex and avoiding accusatory questions about why your kid is watching porn and who showed it to them. "We can't just say, 'I don't like mainstream porn because it's chauvinistic,' " says Lust, whose films feature female-centered pleasure. "We have given our children technology, so we need to teach them how to handle it." But she takes it a step further by suggesting that parents of middle- and high-schoolers talk to their teenagers about "healthy porn," which she says includes showing female desire and pleasure and being made under fair working conditions. I asked Lust if she would steer her daughters in that direction when they are older (they are 7 and 10). "I would recommend good sites to my daughters at age 15, when I think they are mature enough. We are so curious to find out about sex. People have doubts and insecurities about themselves sexually. 'Is it O.K. that I like that, or this?' I think porn can be a good thing to have as an outlet. I'm not scared by explicit sex per se. I'm afraid of the bad values."

Tristan Taormino, another feminist porn filmmaker and author, speaks frequently on college campuses and produces explicit sex-ed videos for adults. "The party line is we don't want teenagers watching our videos," she says, noting they are rated XXX. "But do I wish teenagers had access to some of the elements of it?" In addition to seeing consent, she said, "they would see people talking to each other, and they'd see a lot of warm-up. We show lube, we show sex toys."

That may be more than most parents, even of older teenagers, can bear. But even if parents decided to help their teenagers find these sites, not only is it illegal to show any kind of porn - good or bad - to anyone under 18, but, really, do teenagers want their parents to do so? And which ones would parents recommend for teenagers? "Unlike organic food, there's no coding system for ethical or feminist porn," Crabbe notes. "They might use condoms and dental dams and still convey the same gender and aggression dynamics." Also, "good porn" isn't typically free or nearly as accessible as the millions of videos streaming on mainstream sites.

Al Vernacchio, a nationally known sexuality educator who teaches progressive sex ed at a private Quaker school outside Philadelphia, believes the better solution is to make porn literacy part of the larger umbrella of comprehensive sex education. Vernacchio, who is the author of the 2014 book "For Goodness Sex: Changing the Way We Talk to Teens About Sexuality, Values, and Health," is one of those rare teenage-sex educators who talks directly to his high school students about sexual pleasure and mutuality, along with the ingredients for healthy relationships. The problem with porn "is not just that it often shows misogynistic, unhealthy representations of relationships," Vernacchio says. "You can't learn relationship skills from porn, and if you are looking for pleasure and connection, porn can't teach you how to have those."

Crabbe notes one effective way to get young men to take fewer lessons from porn: "Tell them if you want to be a lazy, selfish lover, look at porn. If you want to be a lover where your partner says, 'That was great,' you won't learn it from porn." And parents should want their teenagers to be generous lovers, Cindy Gallop argues. "Our parents bring us up to have good manners, a work ethic. But nobody brings us up to behave well in bed."

To prepare his students to be comfortable and respectful in sexual situations, Vernacchio shows photos, not just drawings, of genitalia to his high-schoolers. "Most people are having sex with real people, not porn stars, and real bodies are highly variable. I would much rather my students have that moment of asking questions or confusion or even laughter in my classroom rather than when they see their partner's naked body for the first time." He, along with Debby Herbenick, who is also the author of the 2012 book "Sex Made Easy: Your Awkward Questions Answered for Better, Smarter Amazing Sex," advocate that adolescents should understand that most females don't have orgasms by penetration alone, and that clitoral stimulation often requires oral sex, fingers and sex toys. As she notes: "It's part of human life, and you teach it in smart, sensitive ways."

As the students from the first Porn Literacy classes moved through their lives in the year after their courses ended, some things from the discussions stayed with them. In surveys from the first three sets of classes, one-third of the students still said they would agree to do things from porn if their partner asked them to. Several also wanted to try things they saw in porn. They were, after all, normal, sexually curious, experimenting teenagers. But only a tiny number of students agreed in the postclass survey that "most people like to be slapped, spanked or have their hair pulled during sex," compared with 27 percent at the start of class. And while at the beginning, 45 percent said that porn was a good way for young people to learn about sex, now only 18 percent agreed. By the end of the class, no one said pornography was realistic; just over one-quarter had believed that at the outset. The survey didn't reveal the catalyst for the changes. Was it the curriculum itself? Was it something about Daley and Alder's teaching style? It's possible the students created the changes themselves, teaching one another through their in-class debates and discussions.

A., the young woman who said she had never seen an image of a penis until she watched porn, resisted the idea that porn was uniformly bad for teenagers. "At least kids are watching porn and not going out and getting pregnant," she said. But recently, she told me that she'd given up watching it altogether. She disliked looking at women's expressions now, believing that they probably weren't experiencing pleasure and might be in pain. When Drew watched porn, he found himself wondering if women were having sex against their will. As another student said with a sigh: "Nicole and Jess ruined porn for us."

In the months after the class, A. had created a new mission for herself: She was going to always have orgasms during sex. "And I did it!" she told me. It helped that she had been in a relationship with a guy who was open and asked what she liked. But even if Porn Literacy didn't go into as many details about sex as she would have liked, "in this indirect way, the class shows what you deserve and don't deserve," she said. "In porn, the guy cares only about himself. I used to think more about 'Am I doing something right or wrong?' " Porn may neglect women's orgasms, but A. wasn't going to anymore.

Drew, who had once used porn as his main sex educator, was now thinking about sex differently. "Some things need to come to us naturally, not by watching it and seeing what turns you on," he told me. The discussions about anatomy and fake displays of pleasure made him realize that girls didn't always respond as they did in porn and that they didn't all want the same things. And guys didn't, either. Maybe that porn clip in which the nice, tender guy didn't excite the girl was wrong. What Drew needed was a girl who was open and honest, as he was, and with whom he could start to figure out how to have good sex. It would take some time and most likely involve some fumbling. But Drew was O.K. with that. He was just starting out.

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What Teenagers Are Learning From Online Porn

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It's not surprising, then, that some adolescents use porn as a how-to guide. In a study that Rothman carried out in 2016 of 72 high schoolers ages 16 and 17, teenagers reported that porn was their primary source for information about sex - more than friends, siblings, schools or parents.

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http://www.sexplainer.com/category/internet-and-technology/
Loads of resources to help you raise "sexually intelligent kids"

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Campaigns urging parents to ban cellphones and internet use in the bedrooms of children and teens is not new. And I'm a fan of setting limits around our kids technology use but the latest parental call to action is framed around protecting kids from online preditors and sexual exploitation.

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Harvard Graduate School of Education’s Making Caring Common Project

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Harvard Graduate School of Education’s Making Caring Common Project

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https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/files/gse-mcc/files/mcc_the_talk_loveparenttips.pdf

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What to do When Your Child Sees Porn on the Internet

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What to do When Your Child Sees Porn on the Internet

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https://www.parentmap.com/article/child-kid-exposure-porn-resources
Article from Parent Map with some information about possible approaches to conversations with your child.

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What to Do When Your Child Sees Porn on the Internet

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Your kid will see porn - here's what you can do about it

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Worried Your Child is Accessing Online Porn: Advice for Parents from the FPA

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Worried Your Child is Accessing Online Porn: Advice for Parents from the FPA

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http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/worried-child-looking-at-porn-what-to-do_uk_59b6a292e4b06e4604a1f550

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Long gone are the days of parents worrying about their children stumbling across dirty magazines, now young people have smartphones and computer access meaning they can anonymously search the internet for inappropriate material.

And with Childline reporting a 60% rise in children contacting them about online porn, parents may be concerned about the impact this acccess is having on their children - whether they're seeking it out themselves, or being shown it by their peers.

Either way, Jo Hinchliffe, who runs an FPA sexual health program for young people in Wales, wants to reassure parents that it is unlikely your child is watching X-rated material whenever they're unattended.

" It's easy to worry about what your children might be looking at online, or while they're gaming. Despite the headlines, it's not inevitable that they'll come across pornography, either by accident or by deliberately looking," he told HuffPost UK.

UberImages via Getty Images

However, Hinchliffe advises that whether your child has seen explicit porn or not, it's still a good idea to have open conversations about pornography and sexuality.

"It's worth remembering that sexual imagery can be found everywhere, from adverts, films and games, to magazines and biology textbooks," he said.

So how should you broach the topic of porn with children?

With a younger child (under 10):

If you're worried your young child has been shown porn by other people, for example by classmates, or by someone online, this can be very distressing and you are likely to want to address the situation with your child.
1. Find out more about the situation.
Your starting point should be to try and find out more about the situation and to ask yourself - what is making you think that this is the case?

For example, did their teacher tell you? Or another parent? Start by asking your child in a calm and neutral way if anyone has shown them any pictures or videos with naked people, or people having sex.

Hinchliffe said: "By digging a little deeper, you can get a better understanding of how serious the situation is, and whether it's causing your child any worry or distress."
2. Be willing to tackle questions openly and honestly.
Being shown porn could leave your child with questions or things they'd like to discuss, but might feel embarrassed or awkward about raising with you because of the nature of the issue, and how their questions have arisen.

Mel Gadd, a sexual education coordinator for young people, wrote in a blog hosted on HuffPost UK: "Before you get too worried, just remember that you don't have to be a sex education expert. You just have to be a parent or carer who is willing to discuss the difficult stuff."
3. Consider turning on safety guards on their devices.
If your child is young and has their own devices, you might want to consider turning on parental controls and safety guards, to help you manage what your child can consume online.

But be wary of just using this as a catch-all solution to the problem.

"Just blocking certain websites doesn't mean that your child won't come into contact with sexual imagery or ideas, either online or offline," said Hinchliffe.

"And telling your child they should never look at sexual images might mean that they don't feel able to talk to you about their concerns if they do.

"Parental controls should never replace open communication with your child about topics such as sex, porn, consent, communication and body image."

Nick David via Getty Images

With an older child (over 10):

Even if your child is older, you are likely to feel just as distressed about the possibility that they are consuming age-inappropriate materials online, but the way you handle the situation will need to be a bit different to parents of younger children.
1. Don't immediately assume the worst.
If you stumble across something of a sexual nature in your internet browsing history, the first conclusion you jump to may not portray your child in the most favourable light. Remember to give them the benefit of the doubt and don't automatically assume they have the worst intentions.

"Older children may also come across porn by accident - but they might also make an active choice to access it for a variety of reasons," Hinchliffe said.

"It can often be a surprise when you realise your child is growing up and might be developing sexual desires. But remember that it's a perfectly normal part of their transition to adulthood."
2. Try to put your personal reservations to one side.
For lots of parents, discovering that your child is looking at porn can bring up issues related to your own experience with it or reservations about it.

"However you feel about sex or porn, try not to let any strong feelings affect how you discuss these subjects and how you support your child," Hinchliffe said.

"That could mean your child won't come to you for information or advice and will get it from other, possibly more unreliable sources.

"If they know they can come to you to discuss anything - even if it's awkward - they'll be more likely to turn to you if they're having a difficult time and need help."
3. Approach conversations in a non-confrontational way.
It's best to avoid approaching a conversation about porn with your child in a confrontational way that makes them feel like they're being accused. They're already likely to feel pretty embarrassed about the subject.

"You could bring up subjects when the opportunity arises, such as seeing something on television or hearing it on the radio or in music," said Hinchliffe.

"You could also talk more generally about how your child feels about topics like porn and sexting, or ask what their friends say about it."
4. Don't let embarrassment get the better of you.
Lots of parents may choose just to ignore the subject altogether, but this is missing a chance to have important discussions and lay groundwork for other conversations that may impact their wellbeing in future.

"If you're concerned for your child's safety or wellbeing, then never avoid asking questions to get the information you need to help and support them," said Hinchliffe.

"But by developing trust and open communication with your son or daughter, they're more likely to come to you for help when they need it - both now and in the future."
5. Make sure you discuss porn in the context of safe, consensual sex.
For children who only see sex through the prism of pornography, safe and consensual sex can be overlooked in their education, so Hinchliffe advises using this discussion to talk about these other issues relating to real-world sex and relationships.

"This will give your child an opportunity over time to develop a better understanding of what healthy and happy relationships, and sexual experiences might look like for them, and mean they can ask you their own questions as they arise," he said.
If, after speaking to your child, you still have concerns about what they are consuming online, refer to Think U Know and CEOP for some next steps.

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This Is What You Should Do If You're Worried Your Child Is Accessing Online Porn

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Long gone are the days of parents worrying about their children stumbling across dirty magazines, now young people have smartphones and computer access meaning they can anonymously search the internet for inappropriate material.

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Why and How to Talk to Young People About Pornography

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Why and How to Talk to Young People About Pornography

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https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/parenting/why-and-how-to-talk-to-children-about-pornography-1.2692131 This article from the Irish Times provides some great suggestions for parents.

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The internet and social media are now a normal part of established culture for young people growing up. For parents, this can bring a whole new level of concern as even with safety filters on devices, having access to the internet and the social media world makes it more likely that young people may come across and gain access to content that is sexually explicit.

Internet access and social media has changed the landscape for parents in many ways. When it comes to teaching young people about what is healthy and safe in relationships, as well as the issue of supporting young people's individual sexual development, these aspects of parenting now point to the need for discussion around the issue of pornography.

Young people can accidently encounter sexually explicit material online or they can actively seek it out. And while secondary schools have an obligation to teach on the topic of relationships and sexuality, according to Mairead McNally of Loreto Secondary School, Balbriggan, there is no part of the curriculum that addresses pornography. It is useful for parents to think ahead about how to talk with young people about pornography.

Here are some reasons why young people could benefit from such talk:

1 Social media as a sexualised environment

The social media world and the internet

in general can become a sexualised environment quite quickly for some young people. For example, the young person may follow a celebrity online who posts sexually explicit selfies or content of themselves. This selfie culture can contribute to normalising the uploading of material that is sexually provocative or explicit, and it can inadvertently give young people the message that they must present themselves in a certain "sexual" way in order to be deemed of worth. The trend towards the sexualisation of the self can tend to glamorise the area of pornography.

2 Interest in sex

Wanting information about sex is normal and if young people are not getting

the message at home that they can ask questions and talk openly about sex, they may feel more inclined to access such information and pornography in order to find out for themselves what sex is about. Pornography is not real and yet young people viewing it can often think it is.

3 Pornography and beliefs about sex

A study in 2009 by Braun-Courville and Rojas found that the more frequently an adolescent is exposed to sexually explicit material, the more sexually permissive their attitude becomes.

With a more sexually permissive attitude, the young person becomes more likely to engage in sexual activity that is not safe. One important aspect of this relates to beliefs about consent. As pornography does not give a clear message about the necessity of consent, young people can end up confused or misinformed about the importance of this issue.

In Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (2012), the authors refer to this vast level of change adolescents are experiencing - at a cognitive, physical, emotional and sexual level - as a factor which makes young people more vulnerable to being harmed by exposure to pornography.

4 Body image

Sexual objectification can do a lot of harm to the sense of self worth. Pornography viewed without full understanding can misinform young people about how men and women "should" look as well as being portrayed only as sexual objects. This can be countered by providing young people with information about the process of objectification and about the fact that porn is not real life. This gives them a context for developing a good relationship with their own body and their own developing sexuality.

5 Expectations around sex

Exposure to pornography can be confusing and can unconsciously influence young people's expectations about what sexual activity will entail.

They can believe girlfriends and boyfriends they have physical or sexual contact with are right to expect certain things from them in terms of their performance. This can put the young person at risk of feeling pressure to do things or act in a certain way.

This can have an impact on what expectations people have about what they and others will do sexually and how they should look. These types of expectations can be damaging as they are counter to the formation of relationships that are emotionally stable, safe and healthy.

Here are some tips to help get the conversations about pornography started:

1 View talking about pornography as an extension of talking about sex. Once young people know about sex, parents can say that if the young person has any further questions about sex as time goes on, they would be delighted to answer them. This openness to answering questions can be repeated again and again.

2 Be upfront and acknowledge your child might want to go online to try to find out information about sex and that they can then end up seeing sexual content and pornography.

Give them adequate warnings about accessing adult sites and offer to explain any questions they might have.

3 It is important to communicate the following messages: Porn is not real, it is a performance. If a person is not clear about this fact, their confidence can be knocked and their expectations and ideas about sexual relationships can be negatively impacted. Consent is crucial before any sexual contact can take place between people. This message, which is usually not included in pornography, should be clearly explained. People are not sexual objects and you should not treat someone as if they were an object.

4 Do not assume that a young person who is not keen to ask questions about sex or pornography has no curiosity about it. They may be embarrassed or self-conscious. Normalise these feelings by saying, "It might feel embarrassing or hard to talk about sex with me but I think it's important that we talk. The more we do, the easier it will get as it will just become normal conversation."

5 Do not feel under pressure to answer questions straight away. Parents can say, "That is a really important question and we will put time aside later to talk, when it's quiet." That way, parents have a chance to think about how they wish to respond to a particular question.

6 Don't feel under pressure to give lots of information in one conversation. Like conversations about how to manage friendships, or how to manage peer pressure, conversations about sex and pornography can take place intermittently over time. Opportunities arise or can be created as young people grow and develop.

Anne McCormack is a family psychotherapist registered with ICP and FTAI.

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Why and how to talk to children about pornography

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The internet and social media are now a normal part of established culture for young people growing up. For parents, this can bring a whole new level of concern as even with safety filters on devices, having access to the internet and the social media world makes it more likely that young people may come across and gain access to content that is sexually explicit.

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I Didn't Expect to Find Pornography in my 9-Year-old's Web History

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I Didn't Expect to Find Pornography in my 9-Year-old's Web History

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https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2014/08/i-didnt-expect-to-find-pornography-in-my-9-year-olds-web-history/375896/ A father's story about discovering his son had looked at porn, and what he did about it.

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I Didn't Expect to Find Pornography in My 9-Year-Old's Web History

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Stories and advice on a range of topics around sex and relationships http://lovegoodbadugly.com/

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Why are domains with unverified registrant email addresses suspended? To ensure the contactability of the registrant, ICANN policies requires registrars to verify registrant email addresses and contact information within 15 days after registration and incoming transfers. If registrant data is not verified in time, ICANN mandates registrars to suspend the corresponding website of the affected domain.

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https://kidshelpline.com.au/
Resources from Australia around all sorts of issues, age-specific, including sex and relationships

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Kids Helpline | Phone & Web Counselling | Ages 5-25

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http://www.itstimewetalked.com.au/ Great resources for students, parents and schools around pornography and its effects.

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Young people

Seeing porn might seem normal. But what does porn say? Who makes it and why? And what does it all mean for you?

What do parents need to know about porn? How can you support your child in this new reality of pervasive porn?

Pornography has become an issue schools can't afford to ignore. How can your school equip students for healthy, safe and respectful relationships in the 21st century?

Community organisations

What does the mainstreaming of porn mean for your organisation? How can you support young people, parents and schools to address porn's influence?

Pornography is now the most prominent sexuality educator for many young people. Most young people discover porn well before they encounter sex - perhaps even before they have kissed or held a partner.

Reality & Risk is a violence prevention project that supports young people, parents, schools, government and the community sector to understand and address the influence of pornography.

Reality & Risk has the support
of the Sexual and Family Violence Division of Victoria Police

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Young people Seeing porn might seem normal. But what does porn say? Who makes it and why? And what does it all mean for you? What do parents need to know about porn? How can you support your child in this new reality of pervasive porn?