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I was looking for a fool when I found you.

It means exactly what it says on the tin.

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"Thou puny ill-nurtured malcontent!"

This means that you are foolish, and weak. "Malcontent" means agitator which shows that Shakespeare is bothered by this person.

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"You speak unskilfully: or, if your knowledge be more, it is much darkened in your malice."

This means that you're speaking like you don't know what you're talking about - and if you are smarter than that - I can't tell in your malice.

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Thou loathed issue of thy father's loins!

I think it means you're a disgrace to your father's sperm.

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"You are a fishmonger."
- From Hamlet

This insult is seemingly simple, but is pretty funny when you research the meaning behind it. "Fishmonger" has a double meaning because not only does it refer to someone of a low social status (a fish salesman), it also refers to, for a lack of better terms, a p.i.m.p. This is because the man who Hamlet directs this to exploited his daughter to see if Hamlet was crazy

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[Thou art] a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.
this calls the person a coward, liar, unable to keep a promise, and the person doesn't have any good traits

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Thou tottering dizzy-eyed strumpet!

Unbalenced, Stupid Person.

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Thou tottering dizzy-eyed strumpet!
Unbalenced, stupid, person.

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Thou fawning lily-livered jolt-head!
I believe this is a very creative way of telling someone they are stupid and ugly.

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Come, you are a tedious fool. To the purpose.
Basically saying you're a dull fool and to get to the point.

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Idol of idiot-worshippers!
This phrase meaning "you are the highest-adored by those who adore idiots"

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You, minion, are too saucy.

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Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes.
This is used as an insult to say that a person's presence infects the eyes of the speaker.

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[Thou] poisonous bunch-back'd toad! -> You are a hunchbacked toad - > You're a deformed toad

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You are as a candle, the better burnt out.
This means that the better part of you has been burnt out like a candle.

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Hast thou never an eye in thy head?

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[Thou hath] not so much brain as ear wax.

This means that someone is not very smart.

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Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes.

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False face must hide what the false heart doth know.

This means that someone is covering up their evil intentions with a fake personality.

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[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.

This one means that someone is simply not worth another person's time

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Thou puking rude-growing codpiece!

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[Thine] sole name blisters our tongues.

A persons that is of bad reputation and whose name shall never be uttered

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[Thou art] as fat as butter.

As butter is very high in fat, it is to say that someone is highly overweight and is likely a glutton.

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[Thou art] a very superficial, ignorant, unweighing fellow.

to be fake and shallow

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Your bedded hair, like life in excrements, start up and stand on end
This means that your hair that you have when you wake up could stand up by itself and is all over the place

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Thou hast neither heat, affection, limb, nor beauty
To make thy riches pleasant.

This means that although one is rich, there is nothing else good enough about them to make them a good person.

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Thou impertinent base-court hugger-mugger!

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"Be not lost so poorly in your thoughts."
This means that one should not be lost in one's thought but to be present in the present.

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Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes.

Out of sight out of mind

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"Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!"
It means that you aren't even clean enough to spit on.

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get thee to a nunnery

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Thou spleeny sheep-biting canker-blossom!
Not sure what this means but it sounds really funny.

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[Thine] face is not worth sunburning.

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Thou art unfit for any place but 🤬.
Basically telling someone to go to 🤬.

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A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen as you are toss'd with.

Not even a weasel is as hotheaded as you are.

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"Thou wayward Beetle-Headed foot-licker!
That your head looks weird and you like to lick feet

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" [I] breathe defiance to [thine] ears." Someone who is non-stop being disobedient and disrespectful

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Brooke Borden “Thou art like a toad; ugly and venomous.”

# data[].attributes.subject
Brooke Borden “Thou art like a toad; ugly and venomous.”

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calling someone ugly and toxic

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Thy bones are marrowless, thy blood is cold. - You are a hollow person that is cold hearted .

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You should be women, and yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so.: christian goodman

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You should be women, and yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so.: christian goodman

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Thou wayward beetle-headed foot-licker!

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Your bait of falsehood takes this carp of truth

# data[].attributes.subject
Your bait of falsehood takes this carp of truth

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Would the fountain of your mind were clear again, that I might water an 🤬 at it.

# data[].attributes.subject
Would the fountain of your mind were clear again, that I might water an 🤬 at it.

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If you spend word for word with me, I shall make your wit bankrupt.

# data[].attributes.subject
If you spend word for word with me, I shall make your wit bankrupt.

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You cowardly, wretched, idiot!

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Thou clouted unwash'd haggard!

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“Villain, I have done thy mother.”