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Advice for Families with a Suffering Addict

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Some things can be helpful while others can be harmful.

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Since there are more than 23 million Americans struggling with drug or alcohol abuse problems, there are many millions more family and other loved ones suffering right along with them. This could make this problem one of our country's most pervasive ills.

One survey reported that 64% of people have experienced addiction in someone close to them. A father, mother, child, uncle, close friend - it's not hard to find someone who has lost control of their drug or alcohol consumption.

So it is both important and useful to have some guidelines when you're dealing with an addicted person. To help you in this crisis situation, here are some Do's and Don'ts.

Do: Maintain your own balance and integrity. Don't let the addicted person draw you into using drugs or alcohol with him/her. Also don't let him convince you that you're wrong for seeing the problem.

Don't: Expect results just by asking him/her to quit. It will seldom (if ever) do any good to say, "If you loved me, you'd quit." The compulsion to get more alcohol or drugs is bigger then he is and it's usually bigger than his love for his family. It's just flat-out overwhelming. If you accept this, you can get started on the solution.

Do: Find a rehab program for your loved one. If you have any choice in the matter, ask plenty of questions before selecting one. Find out exactly how the program works, ask if you can talk to someone who has completed the program. The program should make sense to you.

Don't: If at all possible, don't choose a 30-day program. The National Institute on Drug Abuse recommends a program of three months or longer for a better chance of sobriety. Addiction sel-dom occurs overnight and there is plenty of destruction of life skills along the way. It takes time to rebuild a life.

Do: If humanly possible, stand by the addicted person in your life. Sometimes, especially when there are kids, it's vital to remove yourself and the children from the situation. If you can, let the addicted person know that you support him and his recovery. The drugs have already convinced him that he is worthless so when he has support, there is a greater chance he can turn things around during rehab.

Don't: Put yourself in a situation where you can be abused mentally or physically. If you are vul-nerable due to size, emotional state or other reason, find your own support. Family, counselors, ministers, even law enforcement can and should be utilized. You might feel ashamed or embar-rassed about being in this situation. That's completely natural. You must speak out for your own protection. You can't help anyone if you are beaten down or ill yourself.

Do: Insist on rehab as the right answer for addiction. Families with an addicted loved one live in terror of the phone call that tells them that their addicted loved one is dead or has been jailed. Find an effective rehab program and make this the only solution you will accept - not promises that she will "cut down," "wean herself off," or "only do it one more time."

Don't: Expect that the person will immediately take off for rehab when you first approach him. You may have to intervene. Either find a professional interventionist who has successfully got-ten many people to rehab or get together with all your family and the addict's close friends and cut off all means of escape. If some have been providing money or shelter, they must agree that rehab is the only option. There must be no way out other than going to rehab.

Do: If you are going to stage an intervention, it must be done from caring and love. Criticism or blame will only push the person further into his unconfrontable guilt. Drugs are already his solu-tion for this guilt.

Don't: Assume that his going to rehab means that everything has been resolved. He will need your love, guidance and support during rehab and afterwards as he establishes a new, sober life for himself. Help him move back into life in a step-by-step manner, maintaining your support.

For more help and advice on dealing with an addict in your life, download and read 14 Rules You Must Never Break When Dealing with an Addict. It is available here: http://www.narconon.org/drug-abuse/rules/.

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Do's and Don'ts for Dealing with an Addict in Your Life | Narconon - Addiction and Recovery

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Since there are more than 23 million Americans struggling with drug or alcohol abuse problems, there are many millions more family and other loved ones suffering right along with them. This could make this problem one of our country's most pervasive ills. One survey reported that 64% of people have experienced addiction in someone close to them.

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Find Help Here

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Dealing with a loved one's alcohol addiction can be a difficult, long-term endeavor. Friends and family must learn to cope with fears that the addicted person will suffer physical issues, hurt themselves in various ways, encounter legal complications, have unpredictable mood swings, lie, and possibly even die, all related to using drugs and alcohol.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 53% of the population uses or abuses alcohol. ¹ With so many people abusing alcohol, it's not hard to imagine the enormous number of family members, friends, and other loved ones who are, in turn, directly affected by problematic drinking.

In some cases, family members of those who abuse alcohol may attempt to exert some external control on the person's addiction (or the consequences of the addiction) by hiding or throwing away bottles of alcohol and taking away car keys. Other loved ones of an alcoholic may unintentionally enable the person by calling in to work for them when they are either still too drunk or too hungover the next day to show up, or by lying to other family members saying the person has the flu to deflect concern rather than acknowledging the drinking behavior and its obvious consequences.

Support groups can be an invaluable tool for those family members who are struggling to cope with a loved one's addiction. Support groups can help family members to learn what they can and cannot do about a loved one's addiction.

Some of the best-known groups are Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA). These support groups are based on the 12-step approach and work with the loved ones of those with addiction issues, both while the addicted person is actively using and also during and after treatment for alcohol addiction.
If you or your loved one has an addiction to alcohol, call our helpline to speak with a treatment placement specialist about your rehabilitation options, .
Support Groups for Spouses

Marriages can be seriously affected by a person's alcohol addiction. The addicted person's focus on his or her addiction makes it difficult to concentrate on a relationship with another person; many spouses try to handle their partner's addiction to alcohol by attempting to control it in various ways. And in some cases, the couples may use or abuse alcohol together.

Many partners of an alcoholic feel shame, anxiety, anger, and isolation. They may neglect themselves physically and emotionally to cope with their partner's addiction. In addition, the non-using partner often has to take on the role of both parents if the alcoholic cannot fulfill his or her parental role. ²

Couples frequently benefit from some form of intervention to cope with the stress of addiction, and support groups can be a tremendous resource for the spouse of an addicted person.

While not every spouse of a person with an addiction is codependent, many are. Codependents Anonymous is one such support group that can enable spouses to learn how to work on themselves and their coping skills, regardless of whether the addicted person seeks treatment. Codependent people tend to deny their own needs, investing all their time in the addicted person. By enabling an addict through covering up for them or making excuses or other such rescuing behaviors, the codependent spouse actually reinforces the using behavior. This group teaches spouses how not to do this, and provides them alternative responses.

Al-Anon is another support group that many partners of addicts and alcoholics have found helpful. Al-Anon members do not give advice, but share their stories with others. The group follows a 12-step model, in which helps members learn to let go of responsibility for their partner's addiction.

Support Groups for Siblings

While they may not be as prevalent as support groups for spouses and general family, there are some support groups that hold meeting designed specifically for siblings. Siblings of an addicted person can be a neglected group in the treatment of a family dealing with a loved one's addiction-in particular, when dealing with an addicted adolescent, the siblings often feel ignored when the parents are so focused on the child with the addiction issues. ² Siblings may find common ground and encouragement with others in the same situation through support groups.

Al-Anon and Alateen both offer support group services to help young people-including those adolescent and teen siblings impacted by someone else's drinking. In fact, Alateen is part of Al-Anon, but is specifically designed to help younger people who are coping with substance abuse in someone close to them, whether that individual is a parent, sibling, other relative, or friend.

Support Groups for Parents

Treatment is needed not only for the addiction of the person who is using, but also for the whole family.Al-Anon's support groups are also beneficial for the parents of children, both young and grown, who are addicted to alcohol. Parents are often faced with other stresses and challenges, including serious issues that go beyond their child's alcohol abuse, such as any associated violence, illegal activities, comorbid psychiatric disorders, and risky sexual behaviors.

Al-Anon can help provide support for these parents as members share their stories of learning to let go and stop enabling their children. Parents recount stories of following their children, bailing them out of legal situations, and trying to forbid them from associating with negative peers. Parents report feeling that Al-Anon gave them a place to discuss their problems with their children without feeling judged.

Support Groups for Children

Children are often caught in very negative situations amid the chaos of a parent's addiction. Children may fail to receive proper care and supervision and may be the victims of abuse and neglect. Even when the situation is not as dire in terms of physical abuse, children are tremendously affected by a parent's alcoholism. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), around 10% of children in the U.S. live with a parent who has a problem with alcohol. ³

One of the diagnostic criteria for addiction is listed as "recurrent (substance) use resulting in failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home." ⁴ And many addicted people do fail to fulfill their parental role, despite their efforts to manage their responsibilities. Parents' inability to fulfill their parental role either physically or emotionally inevitably creates hardship for the child. Support groups for children can help them see that they are not alone in their struggle with their parent's addiction.

While support groups do exist for children, it is important to note that not just young children need support in coping with a parent's addiction. Adult children need support in the face of parent's alcoholism, too, whether it is a current addiction, or one that, years before, painfully impacted the adult's childhood.

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) is a well-known support group that helps adults work through their issues of having grown up with an addicted parent and learn how to cope with a parent who is currently addicted alcohol. The website for the group mentions the sense of shame and abandonment that many children experience when growing up in alcoholic families.

Substance abuse profoundly impacts the family of a person with an alcohol addiction. Treatment is needed not only for the addiction of the person who is using, but also for the whole family. Finding the right support group for you is a valuable part of treatment for addiction and the family of the alcoholic.

Treatment Priorities
If you or someone you love has an addiction to drugs or alcohol, call our helpline today to learn about treatment options which can start you or your loved one on the path to recovery, .
Recovery Brands collected data in 2016 asking people who were leaving a treatment program what facility attributes they believed to be as valuable things to consider when examining a treatment program. The most important consideration was the program's monetary policies, for example payment options, financial support, and insurance accepted. They also appreciated the facility's offerings (comforts, quality of food, room style) much more upon treatment completion. If you're entering treatment, you may want to look at a treatment program's financial practices as well as its offerings to assist you in your choice.

Sources

1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2015). Health, United States, 2015.

2. Center for Substance Abuse Treatment. (2004). Substance Abuse Treatment and Family Therapy. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US).

3. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2012). Data Spotlight: More than 7 million children live with a parent with alcohol problems.

4. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th Ed). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.

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Support Groups for Families of Alcoholics

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Alcohol addiction impacts many more than just the alcoholic: families and friends of alcoholics suffer in very real ways too. Finding support for the unique issues families of alcoholics deal with is just as important as the alcoholic finding treatment.

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There is a Fine Line Between Helping and Enabling

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There is a Fine Line Between Helping and Enabling

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There are as many as 12.5 million spouses suffering from addiction.

Drug and alcohol addiction can destroy any relationship, let alone a romantic partnership. Substance abuse can quickly breakdown trust and communication to the point of no return. And in many marriages where one spouse is battling addiction, the other spouse becomes, at some point, the enabler; professional alcohol addiction and drug treatment is a critical component of salvaging a relationship ravaged by addiction.

Supporting Vs. Enabling

If your spouse is battling addiction, you may have already tried to enforce treatment. However, this process is not easy, and he or she may be resistant and experience several relapses in the journey toward clean and sober living.

It's essential that you try and draw the line between supportive behavior and enabling behavior. While establishing boundaries is a hard thing to do, sometimes it's the only thing to do. Making excuses for harmful, abusive or dangerous behavior can send the message that you're complacent with your partner's drug dependency. Only by putting a stop to this can you fully help that person reach rock bottom and try to build themselves back up again.

Speaking to Your Partner

It can be scary, intimidating and overwhelming to think about breaking down the walls and discussing with your partner how his or her drug use is hurting you, or attempting to begin a conversation about seeking help. Psych Central says, "Unfortunately, if you're interested in change - even baby steps - some discomfort is inevitable. Of course, one could argue you're already uncomfortable, so why not be uncomfortable and at least speak the truth?" Courtesy of its article "How to Talk to Your Alcoholic Partner," here are tips for speaking to your partner or spouse about his or her addiction.

Don't engage when he or she is still drunk.

Don't bring too harsh of judgement into the conversation.

Do speak calmly and honestly. Begin the conversation with something like, "Wait, just hear me out." "Please just listen. This is hard to say and I need to get it out." Continue with, "You really scared me last night" or, "It really hurts me when you act like that. You're not a nice person when you drink." Or, "I can't live like this. I miss the person I married. What can we do?"

Don't list previous incidents, but simply state something like, "This isn't the first time."

Don't rush an action plan, just focus on being heard.

Do seek out support groups like Al-Anon, which provide help and guidance to family members with addicted loved ones. Therapists who counsel families of addicts work with the goal of improving the family dynamic and the lives of each individual member. Through support, family members learn how to speak up for themselves, how to avoid enabling and how to live better despite the addiction.

[1] Psychology Today

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How to Support an Addicted Partner Without Enabling

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Drug and alcohol addiction can destroy any relationship, let alone a romantic partnership. Substance abuse can quickly breakdown trust and communication to the point of no return. And in many marriages where one spouse is battling addiction, the other spouse becomes, at some point, the enabler; professional alcohol addiction and drug treatment is a critical component of salvaging a relationship ravaged by addiction.

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"Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation."
-Henry Ward Beecher

Most everyone has someone in their life that suffers from an addiction problem, whether it be a dependence on drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping or some other form of addiction. Many have a partner who suffers from one of these addictions or a family member who continually struggles with an activity or substance dependence. Relationships between substance dependent individuals and their partners and family members are typically considered not only painful, but unsupportive and destructive. But this doesn't have to be the case.

We've been told that staying with a partner who struggles with addiction-whether it be with drugs, alcohol, or addictive behaviors such as sex or gambling-means that we're enabling their destructive behavior. That wanting to help a family member means we're codependent, and the best thing for both of us is to walk away from the relationship entirely. But is this true?

In this article I challenge these beliefs and focus on another way to relate to a partner or family member who is addicted to a substance or activity-one that allows you to tap into your love feelings as well as helping you bypass the obstacles that get in the way of your love feelings. Based on a new book I have written with addiction activist, Christopher Kennedy Lawford entitled, When Your Partner Has an Addiction: How Compassion can Transform Your Relationship (and Heal You Both in the Process), this article will outline the most effective ways to support your partner or family member.

Loved ones have often been told that the best way to help their substance dependent partner or family member is not to help. Those with codependent behavior have often been told to "detach with love" or to practice "tough love." Partners and family members worry about doing anything nice for their loved one for fear of "enabling" their destructive behavior. But contrary to these admonishments research has shown that partners of those who are substance dependent can actually play an important role in helping their partner to change.

Today many experts are recommending that partners and families become involved with the recovery process. And contrary to the popular myth that "you can't help an alcoholic until he wants help," families and partners are now being encouraged to do what they can to help their partner reach out for help. For example, Debra Jay, interventionist, lecturer, and coauthor with her husband, Jeff Jay, of the book, Love First: A Family's Guide to Intervention (2008, Hazeldon) stated, "I call that an 'action stopping' myth. It says you can't help an alcoholic until he wants help. So that's it for families: Step back and let the addiction run through your family like a freight train. There's nothing you can do. Well, it's a completely different story when you say, "If you can't help an alcoholic until he wants help, what will get him to want help? You see, now I'm thinking differently. Now that opens up the door to possibility. Now I can start looking for solutions and answers."

While loved ones can't change their addicted partner, there are things they can change about themselves that will benefit their loved one, their relationship, and greatly improve his or her chances of recovery. In this article I will feature many of these strategies.

The most significant and beneficial strategies involve becoming more compassionate toward your loved one. Far from enabling your partner, compassion is the key to helping someone with an addiction problem. More important, you can learn how to take care of your loved one without condoning or supporting the behavior you don't want.

Finally, you can work on the core issues that have led you to behave in codependent ways. While you are not the cause of your loved one's substance dependence, you can make life a lot easier for him or her partner by giving up certain behaviors-behaviors that cause your loved one to become more defensive about her substance dependence and more stubborn about getting help. You can also cause her to feel even worse about herself than he already does and thus, discourage her from getting the help she needs.

Reasons to Feel Hopeful

If you still feel love toward your partner or family member and you still have hope that he can change there are good reasons for you to feel hopeful about your partner's recovery. There has been a great deal of new research making recovery from substance abuse much more viable than ever before. We now know more about what causes addiction, why it is so difficult to manage and how best to treat it. We now understand that it doesn't require a person to "hit bottom" before he can begin to change and we know that there are many treatment options in addition to 12 step programs and residential treatment programs.

In the area of neuroscience alone there have been major breakthroughs offering those with substance abuse problems a great deal of hope. We now understand more about how the brain works and its role in substance problems. Specifically, we now know that our brains are constantly evolving, even as adults. Instead of the concept of "permanent brain damage" or that our brains only grow in our formative years, we have learned that our brains create new pathways long into adulthood. What this means is that we can develop new patterns of behavior if we practice new activities and if we get the proper help. In the area of substance abuse, especially drug dependence, this means that given help and time and sometimes medication, plus concerted effort and measures to safeguard against returning to substance use, brains can heal from the effects of drugs.

If your partner is already in recovery in some form you have even more reason to feel hopeful. Even if she has relapsed many times, the fact that she has admitted she has a problem and has reached out for help is half the battle. Most experts in recovery now understand that relapse is actually a natural part of recovery so you can play an important role in her ongoing recovery by not giving up on her.

And thanks to new research, we now know that family members and others important to a substance abuser can all have a positive impact on his motivation. CRAFT-Community Reinforcement and Family Training-is a scientifically supported, evidence-based approach to helping families of substance abusers. A group of researchers in Illinois, led by behavioral psychologist Nathan Azrin, developed what is considered the most effective behavioral treatment for substance users-the Community Reinforcement Approach (or CRA). In the process, they discovered that family involvement was a crucial factor in successful change. Meyers expanded the CRA approach to work with families when their loved one refused help, and called it CRAFT. After moving to the Center on Alcoholism, Substance Abuse and Addictions (CASAA) at the University of New Mexico, Dr. Meyers conducted further research and clinical trials (teaming with Jane Ellen Smith, PhD). Their work has now given us ample evidence that given the right tools, family can effect change.

CRAFT is designed specifically to empower family members. It teaches them how to take control of their lives, and to change their interactions with the substance abuser in ways that promote positive behavioral change. Clinical trials on CRAFT have shown that when family members use these positive, supportive, non-confrontational techniques, not only do they find ways to get their loved one into treatment, but the family members themselves feel better-specifically showing decreases in depression, anger, anxiety, and medical problems.. Clinical trials also have shown that family members benefit emotionally even if their loved one does not enter treatment.

Compassion as a Key to Healing

Compassion is the most powerful tool you can have when it comes to healing addictions of any kind. In other words, what your loved one needs the most from you is compassion.

The word compassion comes from the Latin roots com (with) and pati (suffer), so it denotes "suffering with" another person. When we offer someone genuine compassion, we join them in their suffering.

When we join someone in their suffering, we provide them with not one, but five healing gifts:

1. We let them know we really see them and we recognize their suffering. One of the most powerful needs for humans is to be seen. This is especially true for those with a substance abuse problem who were often victims of childhood neglect and abuse and who often felt invisible within their families. When we offer someone compassion, we give them the gift of seeing them and recognizing their pain.

2. We let the person know that we hear them. Being heard is another primal need for humans. Again, it is a need that often went unmet for those with substance abuse issues who often felt that their needs, wants, and feelings went unheard.

3. We confirm to the person that we recognize their suffering and that he has a right to express his pain, sadness, fear, anger, or any other emotion due to his suffering. In other words, we validate or confirm the other person's experience of suffering. We don't deny, minimize, ignore, or otherwise invalidate it, which is what he may have grown accustomed to when he was a child and what he may continue to expect.

4. We let him know we care about him as a human being; that we care about the fact that he suffered and is still suffering. Respect and care for his humanity may have been in short supply when he was a child and it is a gift to have this birthright restored.

5. We offer comfort and soothing in some way, whether it's a healing glance, a loving touch, a supportive hug, or kind words. The gift of comforting and soothing stimulates the soothing/contentment system in the body and provides a sense of security that helps tone down negative emotions.

The Benefits of Compassion

Compassion for others has been found to be deeply rooted in human nature; it has a biological basis in the brain and body. It seems that we are wired to respond to others in need. In fact, helping others brings the same pleasure we get from the gratification of personal desire. In addition, it has been found that when young children and adults feel compassion for others, this emotion is reflected in very real physiological changes. Their heart rate goes down from baseline levels, which prepares them not to fight or flee, but to approach and sooth. In other words, science is now telling us that having compassion for others is actually good for us.

In the last 30 years we have seen the science of psychology and studies of the human brain begin to put compassion, caring, and prosocial behavior center stage in the development of well-being, mental health and our capacity to foster harmonious relationships with each other and the world we live in.

In recent years in particular, the work of many researchers has revealed, among other insights, that the kindness, support, encouragement, and compassion from others have a huge impact on how our brains, bodies, and general sense of well-being develop. Love and kindness, especially in early life, even affect how some of our genes are expressed (Gilbert 2009, Cozolino 2007).

Compassion is especially effective when it comes to healing substance abuse problems, especially the issue of shame. Addiction and shame are closely connected. In fact, most, if not all who have substance abuse problems have been shamed, both by their childhood experiences and by their behavior surrounding their addiction. Like a poison, toxic shame needs to be neutralized by another substance-an antidote-if the patient is to be saved. And as it turns out, compassion is the only thing that can counteract the isolating, stigmatizing, debilitating poison of shame.

Creating a Compassionate Environment

It can be difficult to join your loved one in his suffering if he does not share it with you. Often those who are substance or activity dependent act as if they are fine and deny they have a problem. They even tell you that the problem is yours-not theirs. So how can you provide compassion if your loved one does not share his suffering with you?

First of all, assume your loved one is suffering whether she admits it or not. While those who are substance dependent are notorious for being in denial about their addiction and the problems it creates, no one has a substance dependency without suffering from pain and shame-the pain that comes when the substance or activity "wears off" and they come crashing down, the pain they feel when they look in the eyes of the people they disappoint, hurt and anger, the shame that comes from being so out of control, the shame that comes when they embarrass themselves in front of others.

Second, create a compassionate environment around your loved one-one that supports her emotionally and encourages her to come out of denial. You can do this in several ways:

Soothe your partner's hurts and comfort her pain with compassion.
Even if you partner does not share her suffering with you, or denies she is even suffering, you can still provide it for her. Even anunderstanding look, a sigh, or a comforting touch can communicate that you are with her in her pain. Contrast this with the dirty looks, eye rolling or looks of contempt you often give your loved one.

Work on being more empathetic toward your partner.
In other words, put yourself in his place and imagine how he must feel. As impatient, disappointed and angry at your partner as you can feel, imagine how he must feel about himself. Yes, he may act like he doesn't care, he may become defensive and deny he has a problem, but you need to know that under that hard shell, beneath that defensive wall he has built up, he is feeling deeply impatient, disappointed and angry with himself. And he is feeling deeply ashamed of himself. (This is why it is important for you to not continue shaming him-we'll discuss this later).

Provide the space for your partner to share his suffering with you.
Don't continue to constantly complain to him about how much you suffer because of him and his substance abuse. He can't very well feel open to admitting to you how much he suffers if he has to constantly ward off your attacks.

Work on understanding your partner's substance dependence.
This includes what causes it and why it is so difficult to break. Often we cannot have compassion for someone if we don't understand why they behave as they do. In a follow-up article I will provide important information to help you better understand your partner and his addiction.

Provide compassion for yourself.
The more compassionate you are with yourself about how you are suffering, the more compassionate you will be able to be with your partner. I'll offer you suggestions for how to go about this at the end of this article.

By following these guidelines you can begin to provide for your loved one (and yourself) the kind of compassionate environment that will act as a safe and secure place for her or him to be in. This safety and security will, in turn, help her or him to take the steps and the risks he or she will need to take in order to recover.

Common Obstacles in the Way of You Creating a Compassionate Environment

You no doubt feel relieved to learn that there is actually something you can do to help your loved one in his recovery. You like the idea of creating a compassionate environment and you are eager to begin doing so. But it is very likely that there will be some obstacles in your way. These obstacles can include:

1. Your anger toward your loved one

2. Your tendency to shame your loved one

3. Your tendency to feel sorry for yourself

Let's discuss each of these obstacles in more detail.

Your anger toward your loved one

The first and probably most powerful obstacle is your anger and resentment toward your partner. After all, it is highly likely that you have been deeply hurt by your loved one's behavior. There are probably things he has done (or left undone) that have significantly affected your life and if you have children, your children's lives. And you may feel deeply disappointed and betrayed. After all, this is not what you signed up for. If the addicted person in your life is your partner, it is likely that you got involved with a man you admired and looked up to and this man let you down in very painful ways.

So while you may be willing and even eager to create a compassionate environment (and to become your loved one's collaborator) these feelings of resentment, anger, hurt and betrayal may get in your way of doing so. You may recognize that in spite of your love for your partner or family member, in spite of your desire to help him, these feelings may get in your way of experiencing compassion for him. For this reason it is important for you to take responsibility for finding a way to release your anger over your loved one's using so that you can focus on being his supporter or collaborator.

Your habit of shaming your partner

One of the most powerful things you can do to support your loved one in his recovery is to stop shaming him. There is scientific evidence that shaming doesn't work when it comes to changing someone's behavior. In fact, shaming causes more harm than good. Your work on ridding yourself of your anger toward your partner will help you to begin to break what may have become a habit to shame him.

Few people are actually changed by shaming them. Instead, what is created is an angry person who feels terrible about himself and has little motivation to change his behavior. In addition, when we shame someone we alienate and isolate him, which tends to make him feel disconnected from others. This angry person who now hates himself and consequently has little motivation to change and who also feels disconnected from others is far more likely to continue his addictive behavior.

For more than half a century, those in the addiction field used what was considered high-confrontation treatment aimed at "breaking through" an addict's supposed "denial" or resistance to treatment. But many in the field now understand, and studies have proven-that this kind of confrontation increases resistance.

It's also important that you realize that your partner is likely to be overwhelmed with shame already. Whether your partner admits it or not, he is carrying around a heavy load of shame because of his behavior. Substance abusers usually have a great deal of shame about the things they have done as a result of their addiction (getting sloppy drunk at an office party and telling off his boss, causing his family to lose their house because of his compulsive gambling, being arrested for soliciting a prostitute because of his sexual addiction). Humiliating him further, making him out to be a selfish monster will only cause him to remain defensive

There are many reasons why shame is at the core of most addictions and dependencies (including codependency) including:

Shame and addiction are deeply intertwined. For example, alcoholics may be prone to shame by disposition and they may drink, in part, to cope with chronic shame and low self-worth. In addition, drinking can, in turn, cause shame, creating a vicious cycle.

Jessica Tracy and Daniel Randles at the University of British Columbia conducted a study to discover whether alcoholics' feelings of shame about their addictions might actually interfere with their attempts to get sober. They recruited about 100 women and men from the rooms of AA-all with less than six months of sobriety. They measured their levels of shame and other emotions, along with personality traits, and then 4 months later they checked on how they were doing in recovery.

One reason shame has gone unstudied is that it is a very difficult emotion to capture. People who are experiencing shame tend to hide it and escape it, not talk about it openly. Tracy and Randles decided to measure the level of shame and access its effect on behavior by noting their body language. They asked the volunteers to describe the last time they drank and "felt badly about it.' They then videotaped their responses. Later, they analyzed and coded their body movements and postures as a measure of their shameful feelings. People who were ashamed act very much like submissive animals, slumping their shoulders and narrowing their chest, the opposite of proud chest beating. This physical display of shame may be universal: It has been observed in a range of species and in both adults and children in many cultures.

The scientists wanted to see if shameful body language correlated with mental and physical health and especially with successful sobriety four months later. This is the window of time when most newly recovered alcoholics will relapse, and indeed more than ½ the volunteers never made it back to the lab. But with those who did, there was an unmistakable connection between shame and relapse. The alcoholics who were most ashamed about their last drink-typically a humiliating experience-were more likely to relapse. Their relapses were also more severe, involving much more drinking, and they were more likely to suffer other declines in health. In short, feelings of shame do not appear to promote sobriety or protect against future problematic drinking-indeed the opposite. (Study in journal of Clinical Psychological Sciences)

This is the first scientific evidence to bolster what alcoholism counselors and recovering alcoholics have long known: Shame is a core emotion underlying chronic heavy drinking. Shame is what gets people into the rooms of AA-it defines the alcoholic "bottom"-but it's not a good motivator for staying in recovery. The power of AA is that it offers something that replaces the negative emotion that most alcoholics know all too intimately. (The Shame of the Alcoholic by Wrey Herbert, author of "On Second Thought: Outsmarting the Mind's Hard-Wired Habits")

Those who work in substance abuse recovery have found that almost everyone with an addiction has some level of trauma. In addition to feeling shame about his behavior due to his substance use or activity compulsion your partner is likely to have shame related to previous trauma, namely childhood abuse or neglect. Trauma, especially child abuse, causes a victim to feel shame.

As a counselor, my specialty for thirty-five years has been working with adults who were abused as children. I have found that most of my clients suffer from debilitating shame: shame so all-consuming that it negatively affects every aspect of a person's life-his perception of himself, his relationships with others, his ability to be intimate with a romantic partner, his ability to risk and achieve success in his career, and his overall physical and emotional health. While everyone experiences shame from time to time, and many have issues related to shame, adult victims of childhood abuse suffer from shame more often and have far more issues related to shame than any other group of people.

Victims of childhood abuse tend to feel shame because, as human beings, we want to believe that we have control over what happens to us. When that is challenged by a victimization of any kind, we feel humiliated. We believe we should have been able to defend ourselves. And because we weren't able to do so, we feel helpless and powerless. This powerlessness leads to humiliation and to shame.

Stop adding to his stockpile of shame

Because substance abusers are already filled with shame it is very important that you do not add to that stockpile of shame if you can help it. Shaming your partner only serves to make him feel worse about himself. Since your goal is to support him, you want to do everything you can to help him feel better about himself, not the opposite.

Letting go of shaming behavior can be difficult because it probably has become a habit. It has also likely become a way for you to release your frustration and anger at his behavior. Once you take responsibility for releasing your anger in constructive ways (it is an ongoing process, not a one-time thing) you will find that you are less likely to want to shame your partner.

In order to break your habit of shaming your partner, begin to notice how often you shame him with statements such as:

"I can't believe you did it again. You promised me you wouldn't. You have absolutely no will power do you?"

"When are you going to grow up and start acting like a man?

"You're such a loser."

"You're just a hopeless case. I feel sorry for you."

"I don't know why I stay with you. God knows no other woman would put up with this kind of crap!"

"What's wrong with you? You're so pathetic! Can't you control yourself for even one day?"

Your tendency to feel sorry for yourself

One reason for your anger with your partner and your tendency to shame your partner is that you desire validation and appreciation for all you have suffered because of his substance abuse. Unfortunately, you are not likely to get this kind of validation from your partner. First of all, he probably feels too defensive or too ashamed to give it to you. Secondly, it is likely that your partner did not receive compassion or validation as a child and therefore, doesn't know how to give these things to others. So it comes down to this: you need to begin to provide for yourself the self-compassion and validation you so desperately need.

As well as being the most powerful way you can support your partner, compassion is also the most powerful tool you have for helping yourself as you take the role of supporter or collaborator. Self-compassion will help you to remain strong even in the most difficult of times. It will help you to bounce back (be resilient) as your partner's inappropriate, embarrassing, hurtful or abusive behavior takes its toll. Most important, self-compassion will help motivate you to take care of yourself.

Self-Compassion Defined

If compassion is the ability to feel and connect with the suffering of another human being, self-compassion is the ability to feel and connect with one's own suffering. Kristin Neff, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, is the leading researcher in the growing field of self-compassion. In her book Self-Compassion (2011), she defines self-compassion as "being open to and moved by one's own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, nonjudgmental attitude toward one's inadequacies and failures, and recognizing that one's experience is part of the common human experience."

If we are to be self-compassionate, we need to give ourselves the same five gifts we offer to another person toward whom we are feeling compassionate. In other words, we need to offer ourselves the recognition, validation, and support we would offer a loved one who is suffering.

There's no denying that you've been hurt and embarrassed and angered by your partner's behavior. You may have lost friends and money, your career may have suffered or you may have even lost a job because you have been so devastated by his actions. Certainly your health has been affected since you have likely suffered both emotionally and physically. But anger and self-pity doesn't really help you and it won't get you anywhere. And it can also prevent you from being a compassionate collaborator for your partner.

While self-pity doesn't help, self-compassion does. If you are a partner of someone who has a substance abuse problem you have suffered. And you deserve compassion for your suffering. Unfortunately, other people may not be very forthcoming when it comes to offering you this compassion. Instead they may have advised you to leave your partner and since you haven't done so they might have grown impatient with you, much like friends and family do with battered women who do not leave their abusive partner. On the other hand, friends and family may have chosen to stay in denial about just how serious your partner's problems are and may expect you to stay with him no matter how bad it gets, offering no compassion for how much you have suffered. And so the only compassion you may receive is the compassion you give yourself.

Thinking and acting with self-compassion has been shown to have advantageous psychological benefits, including reduced distress, pathology, and negative affect, and increased well-being, optimism, and happiness (MacBeth & Gumley, 2012; Neff, 2003a, 2003b; Neff, 2004; Neff, Kirkpatrick, & Rude, 2007; Van Dam, Sheppard, Forsyth, & Earleywine, 2011).

A recent meta-analysis showed self-compassion to have a positive effect on depression, anxiety, and stress across twenty studies (MacBeth and Gumley 2012). Self-compassion also appears to facilitate resilience by moderating people's reactions to negative events-trauma in particular. Gilbert and Procter (2001) suggest that self-compassion provides emotional resilience because it deactivates the threat system.

Stopping to acknowledge your suffering with self-compassion is not the same as whining, experiencing self-pity, or feeling sorry for yourself. When we are experiencing self-pity we tend to complain to ourselves (and others) about how bad a situation is and see ourselves as helpless to change it. There is often a bitter tone to our thoughts and feelings. While being angry about our situation or about what someone did to hurt us is fine, and even healing; it is when we start to dwell, in bitterness and helplessness, on how we've been victimized that we get stuck in self-pity. Self-compassion comes from a more nurturing place inside us and can be comforting and validating.

Self-compassion can lead to proactive behavior. Once you've validated your feelings and your experience, you may feel more motivated to improve your situation. I often find this to be the case with people who are currently being either emotionally or physically abused. Once they acknowledge their suffering and allow themselves to feel and express their emotions because of it, they often feel more impetus to leave the relationship.

Most of us were raised to just keep going in spite of difficulties. That is all well and good-it's important to persevere-but instead of ignoring our feelings about how difficult something is, it's important to acknowledge the difficulty and have compassion for the fact we're having it.

Self-compassion encourages us to begin to treat ourselves and talk to ourselves with the same kindness, caring, and compassion we would show a good friend or a beloved child. Just as connecting with the suffering of others has been shown to comfort and heal, connecting with our own suffering will do the same. If you are able to feel compassion toward others, you can learn to feel it for yourself; the following exercise will show you how.

Exercise: Becoming Compassionate Toward Yourself

1. Think about the most compassionate person you have known-someone kind, understanding, and supportive of you. It may have been a teacher, a friend, a friend's parent, a relative. Think about how this person conveyed his or her compassion toward you and how you felt in this person's presence. Notice the feelings and sensations that come up with this memory. If you can't think of someone in your life who has been compassionate toward you, think of a compassionate public figure, or even a fictional character from a book, film, or television.

2. Now imagine that you have the ability to become as compassionate toward yourself as this person has been toward you (or you imagine this person would be toward you). How would you treat yourself if you were feeling overwhelmed with sadness or shame? What kinds of words would you use to talk to yourself?

This is the goal of self-compassion: to treat yourself the same way the most compassionate person you know would treat you-to talk to yourself in the same loving, kind, supportive ways this compassionate person would talk to you. In the following chapters we will offer you more in-depth self-compassion tools and strategies.

The more you work on releasing your stockpile of anger and the more you provide for yourself the compassion you so desperately need, the less you will need to bring things up from the past. And hopefully, the more you come to understand how damaging shaming a person can be, you will be less inclined to do so. The less inclined you will be to continually remind him of how much he has disappointed you, embarrassed you and hurt you and how he has ruined his life. The chances are you have already told him these things so he doesn't need to hear it again and you don't need to say it again.

Research has shown that the more you criticize someone, even in an attempt to "get through" to him, the more defensive he will become. On the other hand, the more you treat your partner with compassion, the less defensive he will become. Respect and optimism have proven to lower defenses and get you on the same side, working together against the problem. He will then feel this more compassionate attitude and whether he understands it or not-he will feel more accepted and loved. He'll have less of a need to defend himself or to make excuses for his behavior. He'll have less of a need to lie to you or push you away with criticisms of his own.

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How Compassion Can Help You Support an Addicted Loved One

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"Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation." -Henry Ward Beecher Most everyone has someone in their life that suffers from an addiction problem, whether it be a dependence on drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping or some other form of addiction.

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Do What You Can, Don't Worry About What You Cannot

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Do What You Can, Don't Worry About What You Cannot

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Drug and Addiction Treatment Centers | Promises

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Families trying to help a loved one struggling with addiction get a lot of mixed messages. "You're one of the single greatest influences in your loved one's life." And that's often true. Then again, you hear the "three Cs" of addiction recovery: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Again, true.

So how do you help someone if you're influential, but you aren't in control? If you're to stay close but avoid enabling? Here are a few suggestions from two women who have come face to face with the harsh realities of the disease of addiction:

What You Can't Do
#1 Make them quit.
You can stage an intervention, and you may be successful, but you cannot force someone with a substance abuse problem to quit. Even in states that allow involuntary treatment, you can't make someone get sober.

"You can keep throwing money at them, telling them what to do and trying to lift them up, but they have to commit to it," says Eve Goldberg, a mom who lost her 23-year-old son, Isaac, to an opiate overdose in 2013. "I've learned you have to let go. You can't control them or the situation, and the sooner you accept your lack of control, the sooner they can face the natural consequences of their actions."
#2 Do the work of recovery for them.
Even if a loved one goes to drug rehab, you can't do the work of recovery for them and you can't prevent relapse. After Eve's son completed addiction treatment, everything was going well. He had a job and was rebuilding his life. He told his mom "I'm never going back to that bad place again."

Months later, he spiraled back into active addiction. She tried to talk with him about the signs she was seeing, but he didn't want to admit it. One night, Eve heard unusual breathing from his bedroom and when she checked on him, she couldn't wake him up. After six weeks in a coma, the doctors told Eve that Isaac was gone.

Eve was well-educated about addiction. She stayed close to Isaac and kept the lines of communication open. But unfortunately, "even if you see the signs you can't always do something about it." Addiction hijacks the brain, leading people to hide, lie and manipulate to maintain their drug abuse. Isaac didn't want to die. He wanted to get better. But there is simply no logic in addiction.

After dealing with her own family's substance abuse for over 20 years, Carole Bennett, MA, author of Reclaim Your Life: You and the Alcoholic/Addict and Is There a Dry Drunk in Your Life? and a counselor in private practice, learned "You shouldn't babysit someone's recovery. You can be a participant in their healing, but from arm's length."

For many, even those who ultimately maintain their recovery long-term, relapse is a common part of the process. Like other chronic diseases, it's not unusual for those struggling with addiction to need multiple episodes of treatment. "Someone can go to meetings, have a sponsor and be a poster child for AA but still relapse," says Bennett. "It's a vicious cycle, and the person has to be willing to reach out for help to stop it."
#3 Accept behavior that violates your boundaries.
To avoid enabling, loved ones have to set boundaries. And once you've laid out your boundaries, allowing them to be violated destroys your credibility and perpetuates your loved one's addiction.

"If you don't follow through with consequences when someone violates one of your boundaries, your word is like quicksand," says Bennett. "If you say what you mean and mean what you say, even if they're mad at first, they'll respect you in the long term."

Boundaries can be basic - for example, the person has to be clean and sober if they're in your home. If the boundary is broken, Bennett recommends calmly saying, "We talked about this and this doesn't work for me" or "I love you but I can't go down this road anymore" and then following through with the consequence. Holding firm to your boundaries may mean disengaging for a period of time, or indefinitely, she says.

For some people struggling with addiction, experiencing the consequences of their drug use is the only way they'll recognize the seriousness of the problem and get help. "Sometimes love is letting them hit bottom," Bennett says. For evidence, she suggests going to an open AA meeting. "More often than not, you'll hear people say 'Thank God my parent kicked me out/said no.' As difficult as it is, you don't have the power to fix it. Only they do."

What You Can Do
#1 Get educated.
You can't help fight an enemy you don't understand. Learn about addiction - the signs, the treatments, the relapse triggers - and talk to your loved ones about drugs and alcohol from an early age. Of course, education is no guarantee of healthy choices, but it can be a powerful tool in preventing drug abuse and finding a way into recovery.

If your loved one goes into treatment, participate in any family programs that are offered. The education and encouragement offered by a drug rehabilitation center can help you support your loved one and take care of your own needs at the same time. Then continue to be a source of support and accountability post-treatment, when drug cravings and triggers heighten the relapse risk. Bennett strongly recommends putting into place a family recovery contract when a loved one returns home from treatment or sober living. She notes, "If the 'addict' doesn't live at home, a recovery contract is important with fewer stipulations, but not imperative."
#2 Take care of yourself.
A critical lesson for Eve was the importance of being good to herself, regardless of whether her son was doing well. You can't control another person, but you can make healthy decisions for yourself. And you must in order to have any hope of being able to support and encourage your loved one.

For some people, groups like Al-Anon provide a safe place to get education and fellowship with others who are facing similar struggles. Others prefer seeing a therapist privately or joining a different type of support group.

Whatever your path looks like, "you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep looking forward, not back," Eve says. "There's no way to make sense of it. There's no reason why my son should've died. Give yourself over to a higher power - for me, it was the only way I could live my life."

There's a lot of pain and grief involved when you love someone with a substance abuse problem. Your other family members and friends may not grieve in the same way as you and may have their own ideas about how to handle the situation. For example, Eve started BIGVISION, an organization dedicated to helping young adults transition into sober life after rehab. Although her family had trouble understanding it at first, helping others suffering from the same illness that took away her son has been an integral part of her healing.
#3 Talk about it.
Talking about the problem can be healing both for the person trying to overcome addiction as well as their loved ones. A person with a drug problem may be reluctant to come to you and ask for help, but if you can tolerate the lies and manipulation, an open dialogue is your best chance to be there for them when they need you most.

"Work on building a good relationship, without judging or accusing," Eve suggests. "You have to step back, you can't be on top of them all the time, or they won't trust that they can come to you."

For loved ones trying to take care of themselves, nothing is more toxic to your healing than shame. Eve had many friends who struggled with addiction in their family but were too ashamed to talk about it. "We made a decision as a family to be up front about our struggles," she says. "The more you talk about it, the more you realize everyone has a story, everyone has been affected by addiction in some way."

For Eve, speaking her son's name and telling his story is one way to keep his memory alive. "I still cry when I tell Isaac's story, even two years later. And I can see people's faces cringe when I talk about my dead child. They don't know how to handle it," she says. "But I can't worry about making them uncomfortable. He's still my son and I won't pretend he didn't exist."

The realities of addiction are painful. It's hard to hear that a loved one's life is at risk and you can't fix it. But once you accept certain realities, you may discover that there's empowerment beyond the powerlessness. There are steps you can take to help yourself and your addicted loved one, and once you've taken those steps you can take solace in knowing you did all that you could in the face of a devastating disease.

By Meghan Vivo

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3 Things You Can (and Can't) Do to Help an Addicted Loved One

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Families trying to help a loved one struggling with addiction get a lot of mixed messages. "You're one of the single greatest influences in your loved one's life." And that's often true. Then again, you hear the "three Cs" of addiction recovery: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.