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Η απώλεια ενός παιδιού: Το μεγαλύτερο πένθος - vwoman.gr

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Ο θάνατος ενός παιδιού είναι ένα γεγονός που μπορεί να προκαλέσει παθολογικό ή «περιπλεγμένο» πένθος το οποίο περιλαμβάνει μια σειρά από συμπτώματα, έντονες μεταπτώσεις στα συναισθήματα, στην σκέψη και αλλαγές στην συμπεριφορά.

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There are no easy answers as to how to carry on after your child dies. The loss will always be with you. But there are some things that people find can help them to cope.

Make sure you've got people you can talk to, whether that's friends, relatives, or professionals. It can be difficult to find the right people to help. Talking about the death of a child is something that can seem almost forbidden.

You can't spend your time worrying about other people's reactions, but you do need to be prepared for the fact that some people find it difficult to help. This doesn't mean you have done anything wrong. In time you will work out who is willing and able to listen to you, and these are the right people to have around you.

Many people do find that with an experience like the death of a child, it is easier to talk to other people who've lost a child. They may be the only ones who can really understand what you are going through. A peer support group can also be a valuable source of help and advice.

You will never forget your child, and making sure that memories are kept alive can help to keep that feeling of connection. As time goes by and those around you are less likely to mention your child it can feel very important to talk about them, remember their lives, and say their name. There are lots of different ways of remembering and celebrating someone's life, from creating memory boxes to holding a yearly event in their honour.

Some people struggle with how much to tell people who don't know what's happened. Well-meaning strangers will sometimes ask questions about whether you have children or how many children you have. It can help to have an answer ready. It's important to find something you feel comfortable with. It's completely up to you what you share, but many people find it helps to acknowledge their child's existence. For example: 'I've got three children but one is no longer with us.'

After a major bereavement like the death of a child it's going to take a long time to feel anything other than extreme grief or shock. Losing a child is not something that will ever leave you. You don't ever 'get over it', and any progress is going to be one very small step at a time. Set very small goals, doing one more thing than you did yesterday, spending a little time with another child or someone else who we love, and so on.

Even with such a traumatic bereavement people do usually find that the feelings become easier to cope with over time. There will be periods where you are able to carry on with life, while always remembering your child and keeping their memory alive.

Some people find the idea of 'growing around grief' helpful. While you may feel like the pain of losing a child never goes away, in time your life will grow and become 'filled' with other things.

Further support

If you need to talk to someone after the death of a child, you can call the Cruse Helpline. We also offer a range of support services through our local areas including individual and group support. Find out the ways we can support you.

The following organisations can also help after the death of a child.

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Coping with the death of a child | Cruse Bereavement support

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There are no easy answers as to how to carry on after your child dies. The loss will always be with you. But there are some things that people find can help them to cope. Make sure you've got people you can talk to, whether that's friends, relatives, or professionals.

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INTRODUCTION

The death of a child of any age is a profound, difficult, and painful experience. While bereavement is stressful whenever it occurs, studies continue to provide evidence that the greatest stress, and often the most enduring one, occurs for parents who experience the death of a child [ 1- 6]. Individuals and families have many capabilities and abilities that allow them to respond to interpersonal loss and to emerge from the experience changed but not broken. The few studies that have compared responses to different types of losses have found that the loss of a child is followed by a more intense grief than the death of a spouse or a parent [ 5]. This conclusion must be considered cautiously, however, since these studies have typically confounded sample differences in age and degree of forewarning [ 7]. Forewarning is important because according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [ 8], about half of child deaths occur during infancy, most with limited preparation time. Unintended injuries are the leading cause of death in children age 1 to 14 and account for more than half of all deaths among young people 15 to 19 years of age. In addition, while the overall death rate for children aged 14 and younger has declined substantially since the 1950s childhood homicide rates have tripled and suicide rates have quadrupled [ 9]. Recent findings suggest that parents of children who die from any cause are more likely to suffer symptoms of traumatic stress and experience more severe problems with emotional dysregulation than occurs with the death of a spouse [ 10].

Integrating the loss of a child into the life narrative, making sense and new meanings of such a wrenching event, presents a challenge to parents and family [ 11]. Although once common, deaths of children between the ages of 1 and 14 now account for less than 5 percent of all deaths in the United States; about 57,428 infants, children, and adolescents died in 1996. In contrast to the past when families might have had several children die, death in childhood is now rare. Children are expected to live to adulthood. Conflicting with current life-cycle expectations, the death of a child may be experienced as the death of the parents' future dreams as well as creating a profound change in their present roles and functioning. Increases in the incidence of suicide and homicide in adolescents and random acts of violence in our society have increased the risk of traumatic stress responses for bereaved family members.

Medical advances have prolonged the dying process for children as well as adults, making terminal illness in children longer and more complex, often requiring parents to make difficult decisions about end-of-life care. Preliminary research evidence suggests that family bereavement may be adversely affected by the inability to reduce suffering during the child's dying process [ 12].

This appendix reviews the unique features of the parent role; the importance of the parents' continuing memory of the child; the impact of variations in atypical, unresolved, and catastrophic deaths; and the special features of parents' loss of an infant, a school age child, and an adolescent, and the impact of a child's death on siblings and other family members. Also reviewed are interventions and research directions.

BEREAVEMENT, MOURNING, GRIEF, AND COMPLICATED GRIEF

Complicated grief in adults refers to bereavement accompanied by symptoms of separation distress and trauma [ 19]. It is defined as occurring following a death that would not objectively be considered "traumatic" (i.e., not resulting from an unanticipated, horrifying event) and requires that the person experience (1) extreme levels of three of the four "separation distress" symptoms (intrusive thoughts about the deceased, yearning for the deceased, searching for the deceased, and excessive loneliness since the death), as well as (2) extreme levels of four of the eight "traumatic distress" symptoms (purposelessness about the future; numbness, detachment, or absence of emotional responsiveness; difficulty believing or acknowledging the death; feeling that life is empty or meaningless; feeling that part of oneself has died; shattered world view; assuming symptoms of harmful behaviors of the deceased person; excessive irritability, bitterness, or anger related to the death). These symptoms must have lasted at least six months and led to significant functional impairment. Because parents of children who die are at greater risk for traumatic stress symptoms and emotional dysregulation, they are at greater risk of complicated grief [ 10].

Siblings of children who die have also been found to be at greater risk for externalizing and internalizing problems when compared to norms and controls [ 20- 23] within 2 years of the death. Complicated bereavement has been less clearly defined for children but is also thought to include symptoms of PTSD, other psychological characteristics associated with this disorder, and grief. The Expanded Grief Screening Inventory is a 20-item measure developed to assess complicated bereavement in children and adolescents. Factor analysis indicates three independent factors including positive reminiscing, intrusion of PTSD on the grieving process, and existential loss [ 24- 27]. This measure has shown strong psychometric properties and is currently being used to follow the clinical course of such complicated bereavement in children.

THE PARENT ROLE AND LOSS OF A CHILD

The process of conceiving, giving birth, and raising offspring is shared by virtually all living animals. The human experience of this process, however, adds many elements of psychological, social, and meaning construction. At various stages in the life cycle, men and women relate to child-conceiving and child-rearing roles as central to their existence. Of the bonds formed within the family, the parent-child bond is not only particularly strong, it is also integral to the identity of many parents and children [ 4]. Much has been written about the significance of the parent-child attachment bond as a major organizer of the individual parent's positive sense of self and significant relationships with others [ 17].

Parents of children and adolescents who die are found to suffer a broad range of difficult mental and physical symptoms. As with many losses, depressed feelings are accompanied by intense feelings of sadness, despair, helplessness, loneliness, abandonment, and a wish to die [ 28]. Parents often experience physical symptoms such as insomnia or loss of appetite as well as confusion, inability to concentrate, and obsessive thinking [ 17]. Extreme feelings of vulnerability, anxiety, panic, and hyper-vigilance can also accompany the sadness and despair.

Grieving parents evidence anger as part of the normal reaction to the loss of their child [ 17, 29- 33]. This may be expressed as intense rage or as chronic irritation and frustration. It may be directed at the spouse, at other family members, at the professional staff, at God, at fate, or even at the dead child. Anger may also be directed at the self, creating feelings of self-hatred, shame and worthlessness [ 28, 34- 36].

Parents assert that their grief continues throughout their lives, often saying, "It gets different, it doesn't get better." Words such as "closure" can be deeply offensive. The few studies that have followed parents for years after the child's death support the concept of their preoccupation with the loss of children across the life cycle [ 4, 40- 42]. Klass [ 39] refers to the "amputation metaphor": the vivid sense of a permanent loss of a part of oneself that may be adapted to, but will not grow back. Freud's letter to a friend about the loss of his eldest daughter describes this eloquently:

For years I was prepared for the loss of my sons (in war); and now comes that of my daughter. Since I am profoundly irreligious there is no one I can accuse, and I know there is nowhere to which any complaint could be addressed. "The unvarying circle of a soldier's duties" and the "sweet habit of existence" will see to it that things go on as before. Quite deep down I can trace the feelings of a deep narcissistic hurt that is not to be healed [ 43, p.20].

CONTINUING BONDS: THE TWO-TRACK MODEL OF BEREAVEMENT

There is little doubt that most persons respond with emotional and physiological distress following loss. Equally apparent is the fact that the bereavement response is predominantly one of readjusting and recalibrating the often covert psychological attachment to, and preoccupation with, the person now deceased. However, most studies have assumed that a reduction of symptoms defines "recovery" and constitutes a successful bereavement outcome. The parent's continuing investment in the relationship with the deceased has often been neglected. In a recent study of parents of infants who died of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), the phenomena associated with the bereavement response had a very different time frame and trajectory when the continuing investment in the relationship with the deceased was assessed [ 4].

The Two-Track Model of Bereavement [ 41, 42] combines the perspective of both the symptomatic bio-psychosocial response to bereavement and the relationship with the deceased. The bereavement response is understood to unfold along two multidimensional axes or tracks that are generally significant to understanding human adaptation to life demands. The first track focuses on how people function generally, and in the case of loss, it focuses on how functioning is affected following death. The second track focuses on how people are involved in maintaining and changing their relationships with significant others. In the case of bereavement, this relational track focuses on the bereaved parent's emotions, memories, and mental representations as they relate specifically to the deceased. Thus, the human bereavement response is not only triggered by the death of a significant person, but also initiates a degree of a continuing, albeit quite varied and modified, relationship to that person across the life cycle.

The implications of the Two-Track Model of Bereavement are relevant to theory, research, social support, and clinical and counseling interventions. It is important to consider not only the degree of overt function and dysfunction following loss, but also the ways in which memories and thoughts about the deceased are discussed, thought about, and serve an active role in the emotional and mental life of the bereaved. This ongoing connection is most vividly and consistently reported, indeed insisted on, by many bereaved parents in relation to the death of a child.

The two-track model proposes 10 domains for assessment on each of these axes following loss. On Track I, the individual's functioning is assessed in relation to (1) degree of anxiety and depressive responses and triggers of such responses; (2) other affective responses such as guilt and helplessness; (3) somatic concerns and dysregulation; (4) psychiatric symptoms including orientation and mental status, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) in both full-blown and partial forms, and suicidal ideation; (5) self-esteem; (6) the individual's ability to work or perform major life tasks; (7) the management of family relationships, including the relationship to spouse or partner, to other children, and to the extended family; (8) the nature and degree of involvement in interpersonal relationships outside the family; (9) the meaning framework or structure in which the bereaved is embedded and its current power; and (10) the degree to which the bereaved is able to invest emotional energy in life tasks and the type of life tasks that are engaged.

On Track II, the nature of the relationship to the deceased is assessed on 10 other dimensions. These include (1) the degree of preoccupation with memories and thoughts of the deceased; (2) the extent to which the description of the deceased is characterized by an inability or unwillingness to express the personal feelings brought about by the death; (3) the degree of idealization of the deceased; (4) the report of psychological conflict or contradictions in the relationship; (5) the degree and type of positive affect and emotion; (6) the degree and type of negative emotion toward the deceased; (7) the degree of closeness or distance from the relationship and experience of the deceased; (8) the affective experience when discussing the deceased (e.g., a parent who might say, "I always feel guilty thinking about how my son died"); (9) the presence of previously described grief phases of shock, seeking reminders of the deceased, disorganization, and restoration of a coherent life flow; and (10) the manner in which the deceased is memorialized both publicly and within the family. The individual with complicated grief is at greater risk for a variety of psychopathologies and physical illnesses.

ANTICIPATED, SUDDEN, TRAUMATIC, AND CATASTROPHIC DEATHS

The particular circumstances of the death (i.e., whether it was an anticipated death from illness, a sudden death, the result of a natural disaster or a terrorist attack that affects an entire community) also shapes families' bereavement reactions and service needs. When a child's illness is long, arduous, and filled with chronic crises, parents may develop unusual coping skills to sustain themselves and their family over many months and years or they may become worn down and depleted emotionally and financially by the entire process. Therefore interventions that provide practical and emotional support, skills training, and respite throughout the often long and crisis-filled period of the child's illness may aid families' bereavement. Psychological processes that parents have described as helpful include working through the need to assign blame for the disease including self-blame, becoming well informed about the disease and treatment, developing a more realistic assessment of the medical care system and an ability to communicate with professionals, becoming the child's advocate, and focusing on immediate treatment successes while maintaining a long-range perspective.

When the child's death can be anticipated, evidence suggests that effective management of the terminal illness period may also benefit the family's bereavement. In Wolfe's study [ 12], parents who were informed in a timely way that their child's illness had become terminal, that death was now inevitable, were able to make decisions that lessened their child's experience of pain and suffering. Compared to parents who were informed later, parents informed closer to the time the physician documented the terminal nature of the illness were able to reflect on the death with greater feeling of their own effectiveness in providing their child a peaceful death. With the longer terminal illness period made possible by medical advances, it is important for physicians to recognize and inform families when there is no realistic possibility of significant extension of life so that they can make informed decisions about palliative care or other concurrent model of care rather than curative treatments. Wolfe also found that families may be helped during this highly stressful period by mental health interventions.

Trauma theories and grief theories developed in separate literatures, and only recently has research begun to integrate the findings, concepts, and responses related to these overlapping but distinct conditions [ 45- 48]. There is some evidence to suggest that those bereaved by traumatic deaths may benefit from initial interventions focused on reducing terror, fear, and anxiety about the circumstances of the death-that is, by interventions similar to those typically used for PTSD. Grief therapies have also been found effective in situations of complicated grief, of which traumatic grief is one example [ 47]. A failure to address the intertwining of these symptoms of trauma and loss early in their bereavement may compromise the individual's capacity to experience optimal recovery. For example, cognitive behavioral interventions suggested for trauma symptoms in a treatment manual by one research team include stress inoculation therapy, gradual exposure, and cognitive processing. Stress inoculation involves such techniques as feeling identification, relaxation techniques, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, thought stopping, cognitive coping skills, enhancing the individual's sense of safety, psycho-education, and understanding the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors [ 48]. Gradual exposure aims to separate overwhelming negative emotions such as terror, horror, extreme helplessness or rage from thoughts, reminders, or discussions of the death of the loved one. Cognitive processing aims to identify, correct, and challenge thoughts about the death that are unhelpful or inaccurate (for example "my dad must have suffered terrible pain during the explosion in the WTC"). In contrast, bereavement interventions focus on understanding the mourning process including feelings of loss and anticipation of reminders; resolving ambivalent feelings about the deceased, preserving positive memories of the deceased, accepting that the relationship is one of memory and recommitting to present relationships [ 48]. Nader describes convincingly how trauma prevents reminiscence necessary to grieve by evoking feelings of terror [ 25, 49]. Conversely, grief can also act as a traumatic reminder to the individual who may be experiencing a sub-clinical response to trauma or meet criteria for a formal diagnosis of PTSD, increasing anxiety in either situation. Those bereaved by deaths seen as nontraumatic are more apt to focus on their relationship to the deceased as an important feature of the experience of loss [ 44, 50]. Many aspects of parental grief reactions in response to the death of a child have been viewed as overlapping with traumatic symptoms, and indeed even parents whose children have cancer have been assessed to experience high levels of traumatic stress [ 51].

While the added stresses on families' bereavement related to violent and intentional death have been documented, bereavement interventions or follow-up care have only recently been offered in emergency room settings in a systematic way. Even when offered, families affected by homicide have seldom participated in follow-up bereavement services [ 52, 53]. Management of the final moments of an intentional or unintentional sudden death of a child continues to challenge professionals. Trauma research consistently supports the benefit of early intervention with traumatized individuals or families close to the time of the death in order to prevent later adverse reactions [ 54]. However, which interventions are most effective in which situations continues to be debated and awaits further research. For example, a summary of studies of critical stress debriefing in a 2001 review of the effectiveness of psychological debriefing concludes that though debriefing holds potential as a screening procedure, it does not prevent psychiatric disorders or mitigate the effects of traumatic stress. Still, people generally find the intervention of debriefing helpful in the process of recovery [ 55].

Catastrophic events such as the Oklahoma City bombing and the New York City World Trade Center attacks are very public with broad media coverage. They involve large numbers of deaths and unusual situations that present unique coping challenges during bereavement. Each catastrophic event has important commonalities with other catastrophes, but also important differences. It is these similarities and differences that need to be identified and studied in order to sharpen the ability not only to treat grief reactions, but also to prevent the development of PTSD as well as other forms of complicated bereavement

The World Trade Center attacks involved an attack from an outside hostile enemy that mobilized patriotism and national anger and gave rise to an ongoing war on terrorists throughout the world. Victims, especially firemen, policemen, and rescue workers were hailed as heroes in a war, killed in the act of protecting or saving others. Victims were mostly adults. Particular stresses for survivors include the ongoing search for bodies or body parts and the many continuing reminders related to the ensuing war as well as the many public memorials. For some, finding no remains hinders progress with the mourning process. Early reminders included frequently announced threats of other impending terrorist attacks and other purported enemy acts, such as sending anthrax in letters. The war itself constitutes a reminder interspersed with media reports of investigations about "what went wrong" that permitted the attack and the deaths of thousands.

POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE IMPACT OF A CHILD'S DEATH ON SELF, MARITAL RELATIONSHIP, AND FAMILY

Bereaved parents report a number of potentially positive as well as negative reverberations as a consequence of adjusting to loss. Bereaved individuals discuss their experience of having changed as a result of the loss, of learning to value anew what is really important to them, and of reviewing priorities. Some relationships with families and friends are strengthened, others are found wanting. Perhaps the most important relationship affected by child loss is that of the parents.

The majority of studies on this issue have focused on divorce as an indicator of stress upon the parents. However, there is a great deal of variability across studies regarding the divorce rates following a child's death. A recent review of these studies concluded that some writers give overly high estimates of divorce for which there is no empirical support [ 32]. On the other hand a substantial minority of couples do seem to experience severe marital distress. Bohannon [ 33], for example, conducted a longitudinal study of couples' grief responses and marital functioning. In her study, about 30 percent of husbands and wives reported having more negative feelings toward their spouse since the death; 19 percent of husbands and 14 percent of wives felt their marriages had deteriorated since the death. About the same proportion had considered divorce after the death of their child. A major difficulty in doing such research is that the frequency of divorce in the U.S. population is about 50 percent. Separating the "real" contribution of the death of a child from other causes of marital strife in bereaved families is a difficult research challenge.

To address this issue Compassionate Friends, a self-help organization for bereaved parents, recently completed a survey of 14,852 parents who had lost a child. When a Child Dies: a Survey of Bereaved Parents, was conducted by NFO in 1999 and published on the Web site of compassionate friends" ( www.doorsofhope.com/grieving-healing/compassionate friends.htm). Its concern was how troubled newly bereaved parents frequently feel when they read or hear about high divorce rates among couples following the death of a child (80-90 percent by some estimates). The survey found that of those who completed it 72 percent of parents who were married at the time of their child's death are still married to the same person. The remaining 28 percent included 16 percent in which one spouse had died, and only 12 percent of marriages had ended in divorce. While acknowledging the potential bias in its sample, the conclusion was that the divorce rate among bereaved parents was substantially lower than is often cited.

A number of studies have investigated the marital relationship and tried to identify gender differences that may account for conflict and distancing between couples. These and other common problems between parents after the death of a child include the following:

1.

Conflict and anger, at times directly or indirectly blaming the spouse for the death, [ 34, 56] are frequently described as a way of dealing with painful feelings.

2.

Breakdown in communication, such as avoidance of all discussion of the death or misunderstandings about it, is often associated with marital distress.

3.

Discordant coping is related to differences in grief expression between men and women. Women tend to use more emotional expression as they process discussions to cope with the stress, while men try to control their emotions and cope with them alone, engaging in solution-focused discussions and activities.

4.

Incongruent grieving in which father and mother react to the infant or child death with different levels of intensity and for different periods of time-women typically grieve more intensely and for longer periods of time than do their spouses [ 13]. One study reported continued marital distress from such variations in grief as long as two to four years after the child's death supporting the enduring nature of such stresses [ 57].

5.

Low intimacy in which the combination of incongruent grieving, discordant coping, communication breakdowns, and other misunderstandings, as well as different needs for sexual intimacy are thought to contribute to a low sense of intimacy between parents [ 58, 59]. Lower levels of intimacy and support from one's partner are associated with greater incidence, intensity, and duration of grief symptoms for both men and women [ 14, 38, 60- 62].

IMPACT OF THE LOSS ON SIBLINGS AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS

The death of a child may be one of the most difficult and profound experiences for surviving siblings, grandparents and other family members as well as parents. In the case of an illness such as childhood cancer, the death may have been preceded by months or years of stressful treatments in which family attention and resources were focused on the ill child. In 1981, the title of an article on sibling loss, "Siblings: The Forgotten Grievers" [ 63], reflected the lack of attention in practice and research to sibling bereavement. Over the past two decades, clinical and research attention to sibling loss, although relatively new, has increased significantly [ 64]. This development occurred in response to a growing awareness that earlier beliefs of children's inability to grieve were incorrect. In addition, qualitative studies and personal narratives documented the intensity of sibling grief and sometimes lifelong negative consequences of failure to recognize and support siblings in their grief.

Retrospective qualitative studies suggest that surviving siblings may have feelings of isolation and social withdrawal at home and with peers [ 23, 65, 66]. They have reported feeling different from peers as a result of their experiences and typical peer activities (e.g., interests in fashion, sports) may seem less important after the death. Parents and teachers reported that siblings have significantly lower social competence and higher social withdrawal scores on standardized measures within two years of the death [ 20, 21]. Siblings themselves describe feeling guilty, anxious, and depressed and parents have noted problems with sleeping, nightmares, anxiety and post-traumatic stress symptoms [ 22, 23, 67, 68].

Explanations for siblings' distress have focused on the parents' preoccupations with the child who has died and distraction with their own grief causing the neglect of the siblings. Bereaved parents have reported high levels of parenting stress as they are confronted with many new daily responsibilities. Siblings describe a lack of communication, decreased availability and support from parents [ 23]. Some have suggested bereaved parents may also become closer to and overprotective of surviving children [ 69].

As understanding of children's capacity to grieve has grown [ 44, 70] attention has turned to studying the variations in their grief experiences. Research has focused on the development of a measurement tool for assessing sibling bereavement, studied effects of sibling death on younger children and adolescents, identified longer term outcomes of sibling bereavement, and documented the natural history of sibling bereavement [ 3, 65, 71, 72]. Practice guidelines for interventions with bereaved siblings have also been developed [ 73].

Few interventions of bereaved siblings have been systematically studied in relation to their effectiveness [ 74]. However, Davies, in her overview of the literature, suggests a number of principles that have emerged that may inform the structure of interventions and provide helpful thematic foci with the individual child and adolescent [ 64]. The following principles expand on Davies' discussion.

1.

Children of all ages can benefit from validation of the normalcy and appropriateness of a broad range of grief reactions to the death of a sibling. Recognition of their unique relationship to the sibling and their individual responses to the loss of that relationship within their personal and familial situation is fundamental to intervention with bereaved siblings.

2.

Context is important and includes taking account of the timing and specific circumstances of the death, the ethnicity and culture of the family. Siblings are likely to benefit from being included in interventions earlier in the trajectory of the sibling's death and continuing follow up contact over a longer period of time than generally occurs. Children facing the impending death of a parent experience greater anxiety and depression than they do immediately after the death occurs [ 44]. This finding suggests that the terminal illness period offers the opportunity for family members to prepare for a loss and provides the possibility of preventive intervention. Similarly, facing the death of a sibling gives an opportunity to provide information, education, emotional support, and preparatory actions that can mitigate the adverse consequences of the death. Knowledge of longer term effects of sibling and parent death is limited, therefore interventions need to provide for monitoring of children's and families' functioning over time in order to identify later effects and infuse timely services.

The details of the specific circumstances of the death, (e.g., anticipated, sudden, catastrophic) affect how siblings and family members experience the loss. They may confront more or less traumatic stress, greater or less avoidance of reminders and thoughts about whether the death could have been prevented, and more or less hopefulness about the consequences of the death on the family and their future opportunities in life.

The importance of the family's ethnicity and traditional way of coping with stresses including death is important in intervening effectively with a broad range of diverse family cultures. For example the level of openness in communication of facts and feelings about the loss with both adults and children, the expectations of the length and quality of the grief process, the use of particular rituals and symbolic processes, and decision making patterns can vary enormously and should inform intervention approaches.

3.

Developmental attributes are likely to influence how siblings experience and express their loss. For example, young children are more likely to harbor unrealistic fears of their own vulnerability to the illness, injuries, or condition their sibling experienced. Adolescents are more vulnerable to depression in response to the parents' grief and subsequent withdrawal from them as the adolescent goes through normal separation from the family. Knowledge of these differences in cognitive, emotional, and social/ ecological capacities should be integrated into intervention approaches and thematic foci.

4.

A family and interpersonal focus is essential, whether the primary target of the intervention is the parent or the child. The parents' management of their own grief and construction of the meaning of the loss has an enormous impact on surviving children. The degree to which they blame the surviving children, are able or unable to re-establish a positive relationship to the siblings, to engage in the siblings' growth and view their progress and development as uniquely important as the lost future of the child who died has an impact on the stress of the situation for siblings. Facilitating communication and understanding between parents and their children about these often unacknowledged dilemmas and management of family communication during terminal illness and after death is an important component of intervention efforts. Similarly the parents' own positive mental health and ability to fulfill important life goals going forward contributes to a stronger support system for surviving siblings.

Empowering a broad range of support systems is also an essential part of an intervention. As children develop, they are affected by an increasing number of social, service, and political systems: e.g. extended family and friends, teachers, coaches, peers, health and mental health professionals, religious groups and institutions, community services, and national and international policies and structures [ 75]. Influencing these systems through education, dissemination of information, consultation, and support can significantly expand the help available to siblings and other family members.

Qualitative analyses of sibling experiences highlight the following themes as a focus for interventions with siblings.

1.

Loss of affection, attention, continuity, and stability within the family due to parental distress and preoccupation with their own bereavement. This can include multiple separations and lack of attention from parents during the ill sibling's terminal illness or unavailability due to parents' traumatic stress responses after the sibling dies. Stresses on the marriage after the death of a child affect the siblings as well.

2.

A lack of social validation of siblings' grief experiences. This can be due to lack of understanding of children's grief, underestimation of the importance of the sibling relationship, or fear and lack of knowledge about how to respond to the grief of another child by peers and adults. A student bitterly reported a teacher's question, "Why are you upset, he was only your step-brother?" "But he lived with me all my life," she said to herself. Siblings experience a high level of social constraint in response to their grief.

3.

Perceptions of not being good enough to fill the void in the parents' affection. Parents' intense preoccupation with the dead child is interpreted as a lack of love of the surviving sibling-"the wrong child died." The sibling feels devalued, alienated, and isolated from both family and peers.

Davies summaries these themes from the sibling's perspective [ 64] (pp. 211-216):

1.

"I hurt inside" requires comfort, consolation, and validation of the child's unique experience of the loss. This is a particularly challenging task for grieving parents and may be assisted by the use of peer support groups.

2.

"I don't understand" requires explanation and interpretation provided at a level appropriate to the child's cognitive developmental level. Concerns about the child's own safety and well being in addition to other facts about the situation should not be overlooked. Resources available to parents and professionals include books that focus on helping children with a broad range of grief reactions and types of losses [ 76- 78].

3.

"I don't belong" requires including and involving the child before the death occurs in the case of anticipated loss, during the death and burial rituals, and in the post-death bereavement process. Research continues to support the helpfulness of children's and adolescents' involvement in these processes when they are given adequate preparation for their particular role.

4.

"I'm not enough" requires continued reassurance and validation of the unique worth of each child. This response is somewhat unique to sibling loss compared to other types of losses and has at times powerfully affected siblings' adaptation.

IMPACT OF THE DEATH OF INFANTS, OLDER CHILDREN, AND ADOLESCENTS

Infant Death

The deaths of infants, either through miscarriage, stillbirth, newborn death, or SIDS, were until recently regarded even by most professionals as "nonevents" or "non-deaths" affecting unnamed "non-persons" [ 79]. Greater awareness of the importance of validation and recognition of the significance of the loss of infants to parents has resulted in the development of programs to guide parents in their expression of grief and to encourage them to engage in rituals from their particular religious, cultural, or ethnic background. While there are common issues in bereavement for all infants, each of these circumstances of infant death brings its unique stresses related to the way in which it occurs as well as to the individual parent(s) [ 80].

Stillbirths. A stillbirth turns an anticipated joyful event into tragedy. Stillbirth can assume two forms. The more common occurs when the baby was viable and then dies during labor or delivery. In the second type the fetus dies in utero and the mother is forewarned of the death days or even weeks before the delivery. Particularly difficult and stressful for the mother is carrying a dead fetus when movement has ceased. Parents often describe these situations as the simultaneous birth and death of the child.

Perinatal Deaths. With the dramatic increase in the survival of low birth weight babies, the death of a very tiny, sick, or deformed newborn is no longer always expected. Parents' hopes may be buoyed with the suggestion of each additional medical procedures, and the added time that the child lives increases their attachment. The advent of new technologies and surgical procedures that might prolong survival but at a price of pain, discomfort, or survival with gross disfigurement or retardation presents new problems to both parent and physicians. A not-uncommon situation occurs when careful diagnostic assessments and open discussions between physician and family have led to a decision not to perform a life-saving operation, with a change of mind by the parent following delivery when the full-blown symptoms of a lifelong disability are only minimally apparent. This situation may engage them in complex legal and ethical issues that intensify the emotional difficulties parents have in dealing with their loss.

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. SIDS deaths declined by 46 percent from 1983-1996 due to successful education and broadly disseminated ad campaigns. SIDS usually occurs within the first year of life and is the most common form of death after the neonatal period. The particular stress of this type of death relates to the ambiguity about its cause that leads parents to struggle with guilt and whether the death could have been prevented. Family and friends often do not know how to respond and therefore withdraw, inadvertently creating a "conspiracy of silence." Here, health care personnel can make a contribution by providing information about the nature of SIDS that helps reduce ambiguity about the cause of the death.

Grief Reactions to Infant Death

A very common grief reaction after perinatal or SIDS death of an infant is intense preoccupation with thoughts and images of the dead baby. According to several studies, between 65 and 95 percent of mothers and 51 and 85 percent of fathers report problems with preoccupation or irrational thoughts about their dead baby during the acute phase [ 81, 82]. Many parents report a sense of the baby's presence-of hearing their dead baby cry-and some mothers say they feel fetal movements for months after the delivery. Others report illusions or hallucinations that their baby is still alive. This can be disconcerting to parents and family members; however it is reported in studies of many bereaved parents. Like many other traumatic events, the death of an infant challenges parents' assumptions about their own and their families' safety in the world. Anger and irritability about the injustice and unfairness of losing their child are common grief responses and may be directed toward health care professionals, their spouse, God, or fate. Alternatively, these may be emotions directed inward toward themselves resulting in lowered self-esteem, self-blame, and depression. Parents also experience intense anger and jealousy toward other parents who have living babies.

In general, parents of infants who have died from whatever causes share the experience that their friends and family do not know their infant, that they may not recognize or empathize with the full extent of their loss [ 83]. Many parents of infants who die report being particularly stressed by people who avoid any discussion of the loss or offer clichés or dismissing statements such as "you can have another child". The advice to have a new child as a way of bypassing or avoiding the pain of loss for the particular child who died remains controversial because findings from research are contradictory [ 4]. Friends as well as other family members may be impatient about the "slow" rate of parents' recovery from the loss. As in most forms of bereavement, depressive feelings are often present following this type of loss. In fact, bereaved parents have been found to experience elevated symptoms of depression more than two years following perinatal death of their child [ 57, 84].

Almost all parents search persistently for explanations of the cause of the death following perinatal or SIDS death. Studies suggest that most families believe that it is highly important for them to understand the cause of their baby's perinatal death. Often there is no definite answer or explanation, which they find frustrating. Of interest in one study was the tendency of parents to blame the mother for the baby's death (26 percent of mothers and 13 percent of fathers), despite explanations by their physician to the contrary.

Across studies, mothers consistently report more intense and prolonged grief reactions than fathers except for the area of denial where fathers report greater denial in the immediate aftermath [ 84]. These differences are reported to cause additional stress and strain on the marriage relationship and to reduce the support available from the intimacy it could provide. A range of theories are suggested to explain differences that could be the subject of future research such as the differences in the bond formed between mothers and fathers and the developing infant [ 2, 85- 87]; general gender differences in reaction to stress; and differences in gender-role socialization involving emotional expressiveness and willingness to acknowledge and report emotions [ 58, 61, 88- 90].

Deaths of Children and Adolescents

Deaths are less common among older children than among infants, with accidents, especially among adolescents, the most frequent cause. Cancer is the leading illness cause of death in children and adolescents. Parents who experience the death of an older child usually have many of the feelings already discussed in relation to infants. However, more is known about the grief of parents of children who die of an illness than about the grief of parents whose children die suddenly by accidents, homicide, suicide, natural, or man-made disasters [ 91]. One reason for this greater knowledge may be that parents already connected to the health system during their child's illness are more likely to participate in bereavement services after the death as well as having access to services during terminal illness [ 12]. Retaining parents in need of assistance who have experienced sudden death in formal longer-term bereavement services remains a challenge [ 92]. At the same time, the existence of self-help organizations focusing on child loss, such as Compassionate Friends, provides alternative avenues for bereaved parents to receive support; yet such organizations serve only 25 percent of bereaved parents. These organizations have been the focus of significant studies on the services they provide to parents [ 38].

Families' avoidance of formal and informal support services is thought to reflect, in part, avoidance of traumatic reminders. However, the lack of participation in interventions may also reflect inappropriate treatment models that fail to respond to the needs of families who have experienced the sudden death of a loved one [ 93]. An example of this problem was reported by the William Wendt Center in Washington, D.C., a program developed to provide trauma and bereavement services to families at the time of identification of the body of a loved one who died suddenly from accident, homicide, or suicide [ 94]. This innovative service established a site in the coroner's office where providers can immediately meet with families upon identification of the body. The center soon discovered that in addition to trauma and grief counseling, case management services were needed to help families with the consequences of such losses (e.g. loss of housing, dramatic loss of income, unsafe living environments, and the loss of support networks) [ 94]. Longer term follow-up of families affected by such traumatic deaths remains a challenge. With parents of older children, as with parents of infants, the intense nature of their response to the death of their child is thought to be related to multiple factors:

1.

the love for the unique child who has died;

2.

the special intimacy and strength of the parent-child bond, unlike most other relationships [ 17, 28];

3.

the connection with the parent's hopes and dreams for the future and even immortality [ 17, 94, 95];

4.

the challenge to parental identity as competent protector, provider, nurturer;

5.

the social stigma associated with child death [ 96, 97];

6.

the isolation and loss of social support that often follows such stigmatized deaths; and

7.

the existential crisis of finding meaning in life without parenting this child.

INTERVENTION APPROACHES

It is important to keep in mind that there are numerous individual, familial, and cultural differences that make responding appropriately to another person's grief anything but a formula. The United States, as most Western countries, has a variety of cultural, religious, and ethnic variations that mediate and modulate the experience of grief and mourning [ 98]. There is mounting evidence that forms of support that leave room for the bereaved to discuss their thoughts, feelings, and experiences are often seen as the preferred mode of response to bereavement [ 19, 99, 100]. This is in contrast to approaches that emphasize a more active approach to the bereaved, one that confronts them with models of the "appropriate ways" in which to grieve and expects linear progress along some stage model of grief. It is sometimes surprising to laypersons and professionals alike the degree to which people are willing to educate others about their culture, share elements of their experience, and feel benefited by the experience. What is needed in the listener is an ability to listen with a degree of empathy and patience.

1.

help parents accept the reality of their loss by gently encouraging them to see, hold, and name their dead baby and to hold and then participate in memorial services;

2.

help parents retain important mementos such as photographs and locks of hair, hand and footprints, tangible reminders and "evidence" of the child's presence such as bedding and clothing; and

3.

connect families to other parents who have experienced this loss, to self-help organizations, or to professional counseling or services that address this issue.

Interventions for families of children and adolescents might include:

Interventions for surviving children and adolescents have been addressed in the section on siblings. Suggested models and approaches from the existing literature include the following:

Newer intervention approaches have included:

RESEARCH IN BEREAVEMENT

New intervention models have been developed for specific bereavement situations, some beginning during the terminal illness period [ 103, 104]. Evidence suggests that this time period offers an important opportunity for preparation and prevention of unnecessary bereavement distress after the death of a child as well as the death of a parent [ 12]. Other variables that continue to be the focus of research include the role of symptoms of traumatic stress, particular types of child deaths such as suicide, homicide, and deaths from AIDS, gender differences in coping, marital distress and divorce, depressive symptoms, verbal disclosure, emotional expression in the face of social constraints, and the role and function of ongoing memories of and connection to the child who died [ 4, 105]. Additional research questions include the following:

REFERENCES

*

Columbia University, School of Social Work.

†

School of Social Work Tel Aviv University, Israeli Center for REBT.

‡

Professor of Psychology, Clinical Psychology Program, University of Haifa, Israel.

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BEREAVEMENT EXPERIENCES AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD

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Grace H. Christ, D.S.W., * *Columbia University, School of Social Work. George Bonanno, Ph.D., * Ruth Malkinson, Ph.D., † †School of Social Work Tel Aviv University, Israeli Center for REBT. and Simon Rubin, Ph.D. ‡ ‡Professor of Psychology, Clinical Psychology Program, University of Haifa, Israel.

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The death of a child is devastating and often referred to as the worst experience a parent can endure. A child's death causes a profound family crisis. It shatters core beliefs and assumptions about the world and the expectations about how life should unfold. The overwhelming suffering and intense emotions that flood the days, weeks, months, and years following the loss is called grief.

The pain of grief is extremely intense as parents digest the finality of never seeing their child again and the loss of future hopes and plans. While memories of the child flood their mind, they also experience a deep emptiness and unimaginable void in their lives. Grief impacts a parent's whole identity as well as the identity and security of other members of the family.

Some emotions of grief can be shared with others, while other intense feelings of loneliness or guilt, may never be put into words. The ways in which feelings and emotions of grief are experienced and expressed differ from person to person. One parent may need to talk a great deal about the loss and the pain, while another may become quiet and withdrawn. Some try to avoid facing their pain by holding feelings inside and acting as though they are fine.
Although painful and difficult, expressing grief is vitally important. It helps a parent work through the pain of the loss. With time, the pain of loss, although always there, becomes less intensive. The parent-child relationship often takes on new forms as a parent connects with their child in new ways.

The hope in offering this e-book is to provide what might happen in the grief process and the many responses that may be experienced. Just as everyone has a different fingerprint, so is your grief journey. It is not expected that anyone will experience every aspect of what is written here. You may have aspects of your grief that are particularly difficult. Other descriptions may not fit with how you feel or what you experience. In the end, this is only meant to aid in understanding and expressing your grief your way.

The love you have for your child is not severed but rather your relationship continues in a different context, for it's not how they DIED, but how they LIVED.

When parents first learn of the death of their child, their response is often one of shock, denial, disbelief, or numbness. I was out of town when my son, Tony, drowned while cleaning our pool. He had to torturous task of calling to give me the news. Kindly, he had arranged for my sister to be with me when he called.

He started the conversation telling me he loved me and to try and be strong. His next words were simply, "Tony is gone." Somehow, I knew exactly what he meant. After I hung up, I started to cry, sob, and scream inconsolably as my whole body trembled. This just couldn't be true. It couldn't be happening. Only moments before, I had been going about my life. Only moments before, my life had felt intact. Overwhelmed with emotions, I fell to the floor, my knees buckling under the weight of what I had just learned. I remember a haze of emotions flooding my mind. As my sister reached to hold and hug me, I remember that I could hear her words but yet couldn't understand them.

These reactions help cushion the full impact of the loss until ready and able to face the devastating reality of our child's death and the multiple meanings it has for everyone involved. These reactions may last for only a few minutes or they can last for hours, days, weeks, or even months.

Shock is particularly profound when death is sudden and tragic such as an unforeseen accident, suicide, or murder. These sudden phone calls or knocks at the door are a parents' worst nightmare. If parents have an opportunity to see their child after death, although very difficult, it may help in facing the reality of the tragedy. Sudden deaths also occur with newborns such as a stillbirth, fatal birth defect, or when a seemingly normal infant dies of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). With any child's death, no matter the cause or age, the shock is profound.

If a child has died after a long, lingering illness such as a chronic disease, the death may still be sudden, perhaps following an acute relapse, or it may be expected as when the medical team and parents understand and agree that nothing more can be done. When you have faced a chronic illness and related intensive treatments for weeks or months, feelings of relief when the child is no longer suffering and is at peace may be experienced. However, parents have indicated that, even when the death of a child is expected, it isn't real until the final goodbye.

When the sense of shock wears off, there is often a period of emotional release when the parents become aware of the devastating meaning of their child's death. Some parents will weep and cry, while others might talk incessantly. The emotional release is important and should never be discouraged. The time to deal with emotions is when experienced. One should not try to postpone their feelings until a more convenient time or place.

Grief is normal. It is our reaction to loss but nothing prepares for the loss of child, whether sudden or expected. The grief journey has many emotional peaks and valleys for which society generally does not recognize. Because each person's grief journey is as unique as their fingerprint, you may find that you, your spouse, and your family are all processing grief at different speeds and in different ways. The death of a child isn't something you will get over; it is something you learn to live with.

When your child dies, the grief journey does not end in a week, a month or even a year. Don't let others' expectations be a guideline for your progress. Be patient with yourself and with your family members. It also helps to be tolerant and accepting of the different approaches others may take on their own grief journey.

Grieving parents may be flooded with negative emotions such as guilt, regret, and fear. All of these are normal feelings for bereaved parents but they can be difficult to accept, to understand and to share with others.

Feelings of GUILT occur as bereaved parents begin to flounder for the reasons for their child's death. During this process, many parents blame themselves by thinking that something they did, or neglected to do, may have in some way contributed to the child's death. Mothers of infants who die of various causes may feel guilty for not protecting their child during pregnancy or may feel their body failed the infant.

Parents of children with a health problem may feel guilty because they think they might have detected the symptoms of the illness earlier or because they signed the operative permit giving their approval for the surgery from which the child did not survive. When the death was caused by an accident or suicide, parents often feel guilty because they were not somehow aware of what was going to happen and did not prevent it.

Since parental guilt feelings are often closely related to the cause of death, it is vitally important that parents have a good grasp of the cause of their child's death. If this is unknown, or if there are still unanswered questions, parents should contact someone who can help them find the answers.

Guilt also floods parents in other ways. Parents often begin thinking of all kinds of things they wish they had done differently with or for their child. For example, a father may experience guilt because of feelings that he didn't spend enough time with the child. A mother may feel guilty because she had gone back to work. Sometimes parents feel guilty because they did not take the child to a requested activity or did not buy the child some desired object.
I felt guilty because I was not there when Tony drowned while cleaning our pool. I had irrational thoughts that if I had been home, instead of away for work, somehow, I might have prevented his death. My husband felt guilty for asking Tony to clean the pool. My daughter felt guilty as she was home but not outside at the pool when he drowned. The coroner indicated his drowning was due to a "heart event" but none of us felt any less guilty originally though now we all understand nothing could have saved him in or out of the water.

Sometimes parents blame themselves when they enabled something linked to the child's death such as purchasing the car in which the accident occurred, giving permission to go out with a friend who was driving, or owning a gun involved in a child's death. Feeling one was not a good enough parent is also common.

When there has been a conflicted parent-child relationship or a child exhibited difficult behavioral issues, guilt can be particularly profound. Guilt may occur when parents feel some sense of relief that the conflict or behavioral issue no longer must be worried about. Some experience guilt feelings as they believe the child's death was a punishment for their own past transgressions such as a pregnancy before marriage, a past abortion, extramarital affairs, or even poor attendance at church.

Guilt can even emerge when older children have moved away from home, often times causing communication to falter as the child moves into a new stage in life with new friends and, possibly, even a new family. Even knowing that the causes for any feelings of guilt are irrational or not based on reality does not make the feelings any less intense.

Guilt feelings are difficult to share. However, it is helpful for grieving parents to find someone with whom they can share these feelings, especially if the guilt feelings are intense and prolonged. Bereaved parents also should try to learn to forgive themselves so they are not haunted by the guilt.

Guilt and regret are common emotions of grief. By openly sharing feelings of guilt and regret with others who understand your loss, you may come to a better understanding and ability to live with your child's death.

Anger is another common reaction. Parents may feel angry toward the health care team for not saving their child or for poor communication that left the parent confused and unsupported. Parents of teens and adults who died under circumstances in which their friends' behavior and lifestyles contributed to the death may fuel anger toward the child or the child's friends. Although difficult to express when a child dies by suicide, parents may feel anger toward the child for not sharing their emotional state, for not seeking help, or for they themselves believing they should have seen signs. Some may feel anger towards friends who have children and the friends having the good fortune to be able to watch them grow older and reach particular milestones such as graduation or marriage.

A mother who has a miscarriage, stillbirth, or whose infant dies of a birth defect or acute illness can feel anger towards friends or relatives who continued risky behavior during pregnancy, such as smoking or drinking, and still gave birth to a normal infant. It is not uncommon to feel anger toward others in society, especially friends and family members who do not acknowledge the child, or who discount parental grief responses and go on as if the child's death did not happen. Couples who experience a miscarriage may experience their grief all alone, as few people may have known of the pregnancy loss.

Parents of infants often hear, "You are lucky! You can have another baby." If a child was sick, they may hear: "He is better off now." Parents of teens or young adults may hear remarks such as, "You should be grateful for the time you had." Though extremely difficult, try to hear the person's intention in what they say. Even though things said may be insensitive and even hurtful, they are not said to try and inflict additional hurt but rather to try and console. It is just that unless you have lost a child yourself, you have no idea that these phrases are hurtful rather than helpful. One of the most devastating comments said to me was actually a question. The individual was a relative and sheepishly asked, "Couldn't you have afforded to have someone else clean your pool?" Anger is not always a necessarily bad emotion or expressed in negative ways. Many bereaved parents have directed their anger in positive ways, by working to change laws, build foundations, raise money, fund scholarships, and other avenues serving as a catalyst for positive change.

Death of a child may shatter parental beliefs and assumptions about the world and cause stress. Initially, I did not want to leave the house. I did not feel safe in the outside world as I feared something else terrible would happen. I then did not feel comfortable staying at home so near the pool where Tony drowned. Looking back, I realize it was that my world had been shattered and I could no longer make the same assumptions about my family's well-being that I had previously.

Some parents have questions about religious beliefs. Sometimes this causes anger toward God or a higher spiritual being. This can be confusing, difficult to accept, and a source of guilt or anxiety. Yet, questions and confusion about spirituality and life in general is a common and normal response. With support and time, the resulting feelings can usually be resolved. However, if anger toward God, confusion over religious beliefs, and loss of meaning persist, parents should try to share them with a trusted person, particularly an understanding clergy or member of your religious community.

Feelings of anger can be difficult to deal with because the reasons for that anger may be hard to express and share because they are often not socially acceptable. Anger that is not expressed may lead to a general feeling of irritability that is hard to understand and very hard to shake. A father may become grouchy at work or with surviving children. A mother may find herself shouting at her husband or at a friend. As with guilt, it is important to be able to talk about anger issues with someone who cares and understands. Parents have reported finding relief from their anger by such behavioral responses as throwing eggs at a tree or finding a private place to scream.

When I returned to work, I already knew I had a much, much shorter temper than I had previously. Knowing this, I warned by co-workers and employees. I told them that I was angry and short tempered but it was not against them personally. I then asked them to help me know when I became this way. I had them simply ask, "Debbie, do you need more coffee?" Whenever they asked me this question, it was my hint to know I needed to step away and give myself the time and space to rebalance my feelings.

Fear or generalized anxiety could be a manifestation of grief. This sometimes stems from a deep concern that something else terrible and devastating is going to happen. It leaves one feeling even more vulnerable. Fear can be particularly intense when a child has died suddenly, tragically, or unexpectedly as in SIDS, a vehicular accident, homicide, or suicide.

Fear can lead to lingering doubts about the safety of other children, a spouse, or, in the case of a subsequent pregnancy, the next baby. If such fear persists, parent can become overprotective towards children, interfering with their children forming external relationships and their social development. Facing feelings of fear can be helped by journaling or sharing these feelings with others. This can help gain insight into the sources of fear and anxiety and one's resultant behavioral responses.

I did not journal everyday but I did journal from time to time. I found it very helpful to write down what I was feeling. This not only helped me in the moment, but also helped when I picked up the journal to write again. Often on this grief journey, we look ahead and think of what we are no longer able to do that we had previously been able to. What I would forget is how far I had actually come in my journey. When looking at past writings, it reminded me of the success and improvement made rather than just looking ahead to what I still could not achieve.

Ongoing intense feelings of EMPTINESS are perhaps some of the most difficult experiences for parents. Many have reported feeling empty, dead inside, almost as if a part of them died, too. One mother described this feeling poignantly, "A child is a part of you in a way that no other human being can ever be. When my child died, a part of me died with him."

Another emotion is LONELINESS and a deep aching desire to hold and touch their child again. For a long time, parents may find themselves preoccupied with thinking about their child and how they died. Some are haunted by the memory of the child at the time of death or during an acute illness. With a sudden violent death, parents may be haunted by visions of how the death happened or the last moments their child was alive, whether the parent was present or not.

It seemed for months that every second of every day, I thought of Tony's drowning. I wondered feverishly if he suffered or was aware that he was drowning. I would go to sleep at night with this my last thoughts and awaken with it my first thoughts. It was exhausting. After many months, I thought of his death less and more of his life.

At times, it may feel as if your child is still around. Some say they think for a moment that they hear their child cry, see their child in a crowd, or feel their child's presence in the room. When a child was chronically ill, parents may feel a deep void when their caregiving role has stopped. They may automatically get up at night to check on their child or to give a medication, only to be suddenly faced with the reality of the death all over again.

For a long while, I would hear the front door open and immediately think, "That must be Tony coming in" only for reality to sink in that he was forever gone. It was very difficult for my oldest son who lived in another state. For him, he only saw Tony when he and his family would come home for a visit. It took much longer for Tony's death to sink in with him.

Some suddenly feel a sense of panic when they feel they can no longer remember things about their child and desperately attempt to recall the child's appearance, voice, or behavior. One of my biggest fears as Tony's mother was that I would forget him say, "Hey mama," the way he often greeted me when coming into the same room. On the other hand, as a way of coping with painful memories and the pain of grief, some may try to escape triggers of memories by avoiding places that evoke particular memories or by not talking about their child.

It is impossible to completely escape these triggers. Parents will often encounter reminders of their child such as a favorite song or TV program. When parents see a child the same age, there may be an intense desire to hold and touch that child and, at the same time, a desire to run away to avoid being near the child. Events like entering first grade, graduation from high school or college, and marriages of their child's friends are very difficult.

It is important to know that all of these feelings are normal, unless exaggerated or prolonged. In time, you will think about your child's life first rather than their death. These thoughts someday will bring you more happiness and less pain, allowing you to treasure your child's life, no matter how long or how short lived. Some ways of moving to this point in your grief journey is to include finding family and friends willing to share stories and memories, continuing special rituals on birthdays and anniversaries, making scrapbooks, and starting to journal. Memorials to the child, such as a tree planting or creating a scholarship fund, have helped many parents.

As a result of this struggle to come to grips with the inner feelings that result from the loss of a child, parents who experience deep SADNESS and DEPRESSION often confuse the two. There will be periods of feeling blue and unhappy, preoccupation with sad thoughts, fatigue, and bouts of confusion. Most grieving people do have a period when they feel disorganized and find it difficult to concentrate on tasks or to keep up with work. Parents may find that their usual household tasks pile up and the other children's' needs seem almost to go unmet. If parents work outside of the home, they may find it difficult to manage the demands of their jobs.

Prolonged sadness and depression may lead to subtle bodily distress and physical symptoms. It is not unusual for a grieving parent to have difficulty sleeping, to have a diminished appetite, to become easily fatigued or to develop frequent headaches. Sexual interest may be greatly diminished or impotence may occur. Medical problems such as ulcers, allergies, or blood pressure elevations may appear.

In order to cope with the difficult emotional feelings and the nagging physical symptoms, some may turn to the use of drugs or alcohol to help shut out the pain. Although medications prescribed by a doctor may allow one to feel "better" in the short run or help one sleep better at night, they may mask the pain of grief and diminish the process of working through the sorrow. Buried sorrow can cause problems in future years.

Alcohol, an even more accessible mask, may be tried to ease the pain. Alcohol, however, can increase depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, digestive disorders, and problems with concentration. Be cautious as the use of either drugs or alcohol can become addictive and lead to serious problems that affect every aspect of one's life. Bereaved parents who find themselves overusing or dependent on alcohol or drugs need to find help through a doctor, clinic, or self-help group.

Grieving parents coping with this deep sadness or depression should seek someone who will listen to their feelings and experiences. If you are that someone, it is important to know that it is just as helpful to listen silently than to try and offer any words of advice. Such a person is a gift. However, if depressive symptoms continue and impact work and family life, if sleep problems persist, if a parent starts to feel devalued and worthless, or if plans to carry-out suicide prevail, it is critical to seek professional counseling.

Because of the many reactions caused by grief-loneliness, anger, guilt, fear, deep sadness and depression, and disorganization-some parents may begin to think what they are feeling is abnormal and have FEARS ABOUT GOING CRAZY. However, it is not uncommon to have these feelings, which usually lessen over time.

It is important to have someone to share and discuss their grief and pain with. Since grief and depression are discomforting, both to the grievers and those around them, some may try to deny or mask their feelings. Society tends to give grieving persons the impression that strength consists of covering up painful feelings. "Look how well she is taking it," is often said about someone who is likely suffering quietly and hurting deeply inside.

Some parents may have a more difficult time during the grief process following the death of a child requiring professional help. Some signs of problems resulting from inadequate processing of grief could include

inability to cry,

ineffective in expressing feelings of sorrow,

unable to talk about their deceased child,

prolonged deep depression,

poor self-esteem,

persistent guilt,

excessive anger, or

exaggeration of any of the other normal grief responses.

If there is no one to share feelings and experiences with or you are worried about the intensity or duration of grief, it may be helpful to find and talk with a counselor, nurse, doctor, minister, psychologist, psychiatrist, or other professional.

Almost every bereaved parent will experience thoughts of not wanting to wake up or to not go on with life, but these should not be persistent thoughts or accompanied with a plan of suicide. If these escalate, professional help is critically important. Suicide is never the answer to eliminating the pain and hopelessness felt after a child dies. Suicide leaves behind another trail of tears for family and friends, preventing any opportunity to have a positive impact on others on the same grief journey or to honor your child's memory.

Grieving parents may find DECISION MAKING difficult, even if only simple decisions. One major decision which all seem to struggle with when their child was young or not married is what to do with their belongings whether it be toys, clothing, furniture, car, or any other possessions. Some feel they are pressured to quickly remove these items from the home. For some, their child's possessions may cause too much pain and are stored or given away soon after the death. Many parents, however, have reported that seeing the child's belongings helped them face the reality of their loss and helped them grieve. Sometime later, some of these items became important memories of their child to hold onto.

There is no correct length of time to decide on what to do with your child's belongings. For myself, it was very emotional when someone else drove Tony's car away. After that initial experience, we knew we were not "ready" to go through or part with anything else. Months later, we gradually started to go through things. When we did, it was still tearful but it also brought much joy to see some of the items he was most proud of or to read some of the things he had written. We now refer to things we continue to find as "gold nuggets".

Some have found it meaningful to donate some of their child's clothing and possessions to a pediatric ward, homeless shelter, or other charity. What is important, however, is that your child's room and possessions do not become a museum or shrine which can never be changed or moved. If this happens, it may be an indication that there is a need for professional help to support facing the loss more realistically.

Eventually, we changed Tony's bedroom. We wanted to do something very special with it rather than just turning it into another bedroom. We made a special room, almost a magical room, for our grandchildren when they visited. Tony was very much a dreamer and loved outer space. Instead of referring to it as Tony's room, we started to call it the "Dream Room". We also decorated with items dealing with outer space.

While some parents find decisions difficult to make, it is also possible to begin making decisions impulsively and without foresight and planning. The attitude is often, "What do I have to lose?" Thus, important decisions, such as moving, should be made carefully and with deliberate thought and planning. The needs of all family members and the long-term effects of all decisions should be carefully considered.

One of the biggest decisions parents of childbearing age face is often whether to have another child. There can be an intense desire to fill the emptiness created. However, no child can ever replace another child. Sometimes parents have conflicts because one parent wants another child, while the other does not. If this occurs, the couple may need to talk over the problem with a skilled professional. Once the decision is made to have another child, the couple may experience difficulty in getting pregnant because of tensions and anxieties. It is helpful if the couple shares the story of their loss and subsequent grief with health care providers.

Though difficult to imagine if your loss is recent, another big decision for parents is realizing that it is okay to be happy again and that it is okay to laugh. It is not easy and may even evoke feelings of guilt when the first laughter sneaks back into your life. Though difficult, it is important to know that just because you laugh or you experience happiness again, it is not a betrayal to the child that died but rather a tribute to them that they lived, especially when the laughter is from a memory they created.

Grieving the death of a child is a lifelong journey. You learn to live with the grief. I liken my grief journey to going on a hike with a backpack. Initially, when I put on the backpack loaded with water and supplies for the day, it feels so very, very heavy and I wonder how I will ever make it carrying that pack. However, after some time of walking with the backpack, it still weighs the same but I become more accustomed to carrying it. I learn how it is most comfortable to carry and adjust along the way.

Carrying the loss of my son, Tony, is much the same way. It is a heavy burden to carry the loss of a child with you for the rest of your life. It never goes away and you really cannot just set it aside. You will learn how to carry it that it is not as heavy when you first started. You will not forever continue to the daily, agonizing pain you feel in the first months and years.

The time frame for grief cannot be tightly defined. There are marked differences among individuals, even between a mother and father. There are many ups and downs. One day or week, a grieving parent may feel better and think the difficult times are behind. However, some minor experience can suddenly cause sharp, piercing pain. Over time, the good days out-number the bad ones.

Parents can become involved with life activities fully and can see options and possibilities for the future. Happy and constructive memories can be remembered and discussed with painful memories less prominent. Still, these bursts of grief pain can be just as intense decades later although they do not occur as often.

Special dates such as your child's birthday, major holidays, and the anniversary of your child's death can trigger these periods of pain. Likewise, events that the child missed such as high school or college graduation and marriage can be difficult. It is extremely important for grieving parents to be patient with themselves and with their spouse when the bad days come. Gradually, over time, the grief softens, the backpack seems a little lighter, and you can enjoy life again.

Even though others will expect and yearn for you to "be your old self again," it will not happen. We are forever changed. We find our "new normal". We are not forever sad but it is impossible to be the person we were before this profound loss. On the positive side, a tragic loss such as ours over time can give rise to renewed meaning and personal growth. Many have refocused their lives, becoming a better person, developing clearer spiritual beliefs, and finding important ways to contribute to society.

The death of a child affects everyone in the family in similar but yet different ways. It is important to remember that everyone grieves but does not express their grief the same. You will likely find that your family members exhibit feelings of loss in a variety of ways.

Even though we are keenly aware of the experience of our loss as parents, it is important to remember that if you have other children, they too suffer a unique loss of their own. It is ironic that there are countless books on preparing a child for accepting a new baby brother or baby sister but you will find little on the death of a brother or a sister.

Siblings are often referred to as the forgotten mourners. Siblings lose their brother or sister but also lose the parents that once were. If your other children are older, they are often asked how you or the other parent are doing rather than being asked how they are doing.

Grandparents suffer as well. Grandparents often set their grief aside to help the parents, brothers, and sisters of the family. If you are fortunate enough to still have your parents, remember that they grieve too. The mission of The Compassionate Friends is to provide support not only to parents but to also support siblings and grandparents.

In couples, fathers and mothers may find they express their grief differently than each other. Men, in our society, have often been programmed from early childhood not to show feelings; thus, some fathers may tend to hide their feelings or have difficulty talking about their child. Fathers may also hide their feelings because they have been led to believe that they must "act strong" for the sake of their spouse who is grieving deeply.

In addition, fathers are often not shown the same kind of support from friends and relatives that is given to the mother. One father complained bitterly that whenever he ran into a friend or relative they asked how his wife was doing and totally avoided asking how he was doing. The resultant bottled-up feelings may lead to physical symptoms or behavioral change such as extreme irritability or bossy, demanding comments.

Mothers often grieve more openly. They need to talk frequently about their child, about the circumstances of the death, and about their feelings. Too, their deep grief responses may continue for a long period after death, whereas fathers may be forced to move forward faster. It's not unusual that a mother may share most of her pain with the child's father. This may be difficult for some fathers. If the father cannot face his wife's expression of pain, he may begin to avoid discussions or stay away from home. The mother, on the other hand, may begin to think that her husband doesn't really care about the child or about her when he refuses to listen to her or to talk about the death. In addition, both the mother and father may become irritable which also affects their relationship with each other.

Initially, I assumed what was comforting for me would be comforting for my husband as well. I scrambled to find every picture we had of Tony. I wanted to make sure they were put together and stored safely. I wanted to look intently at each picture as if reaffirming my memories, I would cherish forever. I wanted my husband to do this with me. After a few tense weekends, I learned he could not handle looking at pictures where looking at pictures provided me comfort.
Since our ability to share feelings is not gender related but based on many variables including our personalities and experiences with feelings as a child, these stereotypical views of grief should not be considered cast in stone. Mothers may have difficulty in expressing their pain and fathers may be the more open and verbal of the couple. Sometimes both parents may feel it is important to appear "strong" so as not to upset the other person or the rest of the family. It may be difficult to face and share these very personal and painful feelings even with each other.

Sharing the pain is an important aspect of grief work and is vitally important in maintaining the relationship. It is important during these difficult periods for couples to keep open the lines of communication, even though communication when under stress is very difficult. To keep the communication open and to restore a feeling of closeness, parents may need to plan times to be together-alone. A night out for dinner or a weekend away from the family may be necessary. Communication with one's spouse also involves developing an understanding of what he or she is experiencing or may need to communicate. Talking to a professional or to other bereaved parents may help to enhance communication if there are problems.

Many professionals have heard, believe, and repeat that 70-90 percent of marriages fail after a child dies. Studies have proven this a myth. In actuality, a very low rate of marriages fail after a child dies. Generally, these marriages were in trouble before the child died. When a couple has had a child die, it is reassuring to know that it is rare for them to face the additional stress of a failed marriage. Marriages survive because the life of the child-and the death of the child-was a shared experience. Those memories can never be shared and remembered in the same way with any other person.

Parents of adult children who die may feel that their grief is discounted because society views their child as an adult and not really a child. At any age, facing the reality that a child has died before the parent and living without the child is difficult. If the child was married and left behind a spouse and children, the focus of support and concern often goes to them with limited support to the parents or grandparents. On the other hand, the presence of the spouse and especially grandchildren can be extremely comforting.

Parents of married children may be comforted by having involvement in the planning of the funeral and burial arrangements. However, exclusion from these decisions and plans by the remaining spouse, can be a very painful loss as well.

Parents of single adults are immediately plunged into dealing with authorities, arranging the funeral and burial, and cleaning out the belongings while also still in a stage of shock and acute distress. Cleaning out the belongings is a reminder of the child's daily life, furthering the deep feelings of loss. Too, often the dwelling needs to be vacated quickly to reduce hefty rental or mortgage payments.

Another burden for these parents is managing the finances and estate of an unmarried child. This sometimes can involve legal complexities if the adult child did not leave clear direction such as power of attorney or a will. If the child was married and the spouse also died, as can happen in a vehicular accident, the complications can be overwhelming. These legal demands are immediate and cannot wait until the initial emotional trauma has subsided.

When a child dies, whether a baby, a child, or an adult child, there may also be grandparents who also grieve. Grandparents experience the same feelings of grief as parents, albeit the loss is a different experience. It is particularly difficult for grandparents to experience a grandchild's death when they feel their lives have been lived fully but the child's life was severed prematurely. Especially when an adult child has died, the grandparents' feelings of loss and grief are often not acknowledged. As a result, grandparents may not get the support they need. Too, some elderly adults do not easily share their feelings with others, even their own children.

Parents who lose an adult child may also be grandparents if their child had children. It can be very comforting to feel that one's child is living on through their own children. However, complications can occur if for some reason the adult child's spouse, the remaining parent of the grandchildren, severs relationships with the grandparents and cuts off visitation between the children and grandchildren after the death. Not only is this another huge loss for the grandparents but also for the grandchildren who have already lost a parent. At the time of such a profound loss for everyone, it is important to pull together rather than splintering apart. Grandparents may have to assume the legal guardianship of the children left behind. Though done with love, taking on parenting roles can be an emotional, physical, and a financial burden for grandparents, especially while also mourning the loss of their own child.

The death of a sibling or a parent is upsetting to the children in a family. It is easy for adults to overlook the needs of the siblings or playmates when a child has died. Parents and grandparents may be so involved in their own pain and grief, and the demands of making plans after the death, that it is hard to help someone else. Some parents think they are protecting their children from the reality of death and the resultant pain by not talking about it. Others may be unclear or uncomfortable about how to talk to the other siblings. Parents of young siblings may mistakenly think they are too young to understand or that the death had no impact on them. As a result, children may receive incomplete information about what happened to the child and lack needed support in understanding death and grief.

There is no way of protecting children from the fact of the death and the resultant distress and grief of the parents and other family members. Children are astute observers of behavior, especially the behavior of their parents. They need to know why parents are behaving so differently now. Children do notice the grief and depression of adults around them. Some of the tears, grief, and pain of the parents should be shared with them and they need opportunities, when ready, to share their own sad and often times scary feelings. They need to grieve with the family by being given opportunities to be involved in funeral and grieving rituals. The impact of death and the way children respond to the loss of a sibling depends on many factors such as their age and developmental level, the relationship they had with the child who died, the relationship with their parents, their previous preparation for the experience of death, and their observations of parental grief reactions.

One of the main challenges confronting adults is how to explain death to surviving children. Explaining death to children forces one to come to terms with the finality of death themselves. This is not easy. Children need to have an understanding of physical death. The correct terms, "dead," "death," and "died," should be used when discussing the situation-never suggesting that the child is sleeping. Even though young children don't know what the words mean, they will eventually develop an understanding. Death as a physical event can best be discussed as part of the cycle of nature. "Dead means not alive anymore. It's like the leaves on the trees in the winter or flowers that die. Life is over. The body doesn't work anymore. It doesn't move or hear or breathe or feel pain or sleep or need to eat. It just stops." A clear simple explanation should also be given to each child about the cause of death. It should be geared to the developmental level of the child and may need to be repeated several times. It is important to reassure them that they did nothing to cause the death. They also need to be assured about the normality of their body so they are not scared they, too, may die.

The religious or philosophical explanation of death involves helping children understand their family's beliefs about life and about death. Some families have deep and clear religious beliefs about the continuation of the soul after death, while others may focus more on the memory the child has left behind and ongoing love that continues. Parents need to share with and help children understand an outlook on life and death which they really believe. Children are sensitive to dishonesty in parents. Remember when discussing religious beliefs with children that abstract concepts are very difficult for young children to grasp. Young children can understand mostly what they can see and feel. They will want to know in concrete terms where God and Heaven are located. It may be many years before they can understand abstract religious concepts.

Children have different ways of coming to grips with the full meaning of death. Some of them will ask many questions while other children may mull over things quietly for a long time. Questions should be openly and honestly answered with simple, brief explanations. Sometimes the real questions will be disguised. Find out what the child is really asking: "I'm not sure what you mean, can you explain a little?" Through the years children may continue to ask questions about death. As they grow and mature, they will try to master the full meaning of the death. It is not abnormal if they suddenly ask question six months, a year, or even two years later. Their questions may come in the most unexpected time and place. Maintaining an open and honest communication system between the parent and children, although difficult, will be rewarding in the long run.

Like parents, children grieve too! Sometimes children feel guilty about bad feelings they had toward the new baby or the child who died. Young children may mistakenly believe that a bad thought could have somehow contributed to the death. Fighting and disagreements are a normal experience between siblings, yet the surviving sibling may feel guilty about their actions. Fear in children usually involves fear of separation, that they too could become separated from their parents.

Children often work out their feelings through behavior. Young children may use play activities to help them understand or express feelings. Playing dead or acting out funeral scenes is not uncommon. Some children also draw or paint sad pictures. All of these play activities help the child gradually understand and cope with the death. Some children may become boisterous and noisy, may laugh a lot more than usual, and may even become hyperactive for a time. Some of the behavior of children is aimed at getting the attention of parents because they desperately want to know their parents understand them and care about them. Older siblings, especially teens, may hide their grief but exhibit their pain through depressive symptoms, behavioral outbursts, and lowered school grades. The inability to concentrate and loss of organizational skills happens to children too. Teachers need to be alerted to the child's loss and grief.

Parents may become distressed because it appears to them that the siblings have adjusted too quickly, grieved too little, or appeared totally unaffected by the death. Children have difficulty knowing how to express their grief and may handle their confusion by trying to get back to their own business of living. They may also be hesitant to speak of their brother or sister or to express their feelings for fear of upsetting their parents even more. Like adults, children may also try to deny the reality of the death and pretend it didn't happen. When this occurs, the child may experience a delayed reaction several weeks, months, or even years later. The reaction may occur at the time of another significant loss. Often times teens are more likely to seek a listening ear from classmates than from their own parents. Not talking about the loss with parents is not an indication they are not grieving. Lastly, sometimes young children do not have the vocabulary necessary to explain their feelings. It may take several years before the experience can be put into words.

Parents may be having a difficult time coping with the behavioral changes, demands, and needs of the siblings as they are absorbed in their own grief and have little energy to help others. Sometimes, after a long illness and subsequent death of a child, parents may feel that their relationships with the remaining children seem less intense than the relationship they shared with the dead child. They may fear that they have lost their ability to love. This is a normal and temporary part of grief. When this happens, parents should allow other sensitive relatives or friends to spend extra time with the siblings so their needs are met. On the other hand, with sudden, tragic death, parents may feel the need to protect and cling to the remaining siblings. This, too, is often temporary but if it persists, the parent should seek counseling.

It is very helpful to arrange to spend periods of time alone with each child, as this will create better opportunities for communication and understanding. Too, children need to resume normal life activities as soon as possible. Creating special activities and time as a family helps to reinforce a feeling of family closeness during this time of stress. All children who experience a significant death in their family or among friends need parents, or at least another adult, who will listen to their questions and concerns. They need you, or at least another adult, to tell them the truth about the death in simple, understandable terms. Be open to accepting their feelings and behavioral reactions. Consciously provide opportunities for them to talk, when ready. Allow them to resume life and activities, while reassuring them frequently of your love and understanding.

Talking about and sharing grief in some way with others is helpful. Many parents feel others just do not understand child loss. I, along with many others, have found it helpful to talk with and share my story and grief with other bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings. Support groups such as The Compassionate Friends offer opportunities to meet and share with others who have had similar losses.

There also are support groups specifically for helping parents who experienced a perinatal or neonatal death. Many support groups are parent-led, but there are also grief support or therapy groups led by psychologists or health care professionals. You may find these sponsored by a local hospice or palliative care program at a hospital. To identify support groups in your community, contact a grief specialist from the local hospital or hospice program or, in most communities, call 211.

Parents who find they are having a particularly difficult time during the grief process may need professional help. This includes severe grief responses that are prolonged such as continued deep sadness or depression; persistent anger, guilt, or anxiety; continued thoughts of ending one's life; serious communication problems in the family; or an inability to get back to some semblance of normality in work and life activities. If a grieving parent is worried about the intensity or duration of his or her own grief or that of the spouse, professional help should be sought from a counselor, nurse, doctor, minister, psychologist, psychiatrist, or other qualified professional.

Parents inevitably go through an intensive search for meaning in the tragic death of a child. This search often involves trying to find the answer to the questions "why?" or "why my child?" or "why me?" The search for meaning can be never-ending when parents think they must find a true answer to the unanswerable. It takes significant time to incorporate the death of your child into your life. Sometimes you'll find that as you grow through your grief, positive changes do occur as life becomes bearable and, again, meaningful. Remember that through it all, you "Need Not Walk Alone".

The Compassionate Friends offers friendship, understanding, and hope to families grieving the death of a child at any age from any cause. With more than 500 chapters and more than 40 private Facebook pages, it remains the largest self-help bereavement support organization in the U.S. Local chapters offer monthly, peer-to-peer support meetings. Often special events for bereaved families such as a Walk to Remember, a butterfly release, or lantern launch are planned to allow the families to celebrate the lives of all the children gone too soon. These local chapters also often publish periodic chapter newsletters, maintain a website, or host a Facebook page. Chapters can be found by going to the chapter locator on the national website and simply inputting your zip code.

The Compassionate Friends also has an Online Support Community of a variety of closed Facebook pages and also chat rooms occurring daily. Additional information can be found on the national website at www.compassionatefriends.org. By going to the website, you can request a packet of information to be emailed or mailed to you or a friend. Additionally, there are more than three dozen grief related brochures, and an award-winning, online magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone.

The Compassionate Friends also hosts the Worldwide Candle Lighting the second Sunday in December, officially at 7 p.m. local time around the globe, creating a wave of light in memory of all children who have gone too soon.

The organization also hosts a national conference around the country annually where bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents gather together to learn from each other. The Compassionate Friends Walk to Remember® is held the final day of the national conference.

For more information, call The Compassionate Friends at 877-969-0010 or visit www.compassionatefriends.org.
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Introduction The death of a child is devastating and often referred to as the worst experience a parent can endure. A child's death causes a profound family crisis. It shatters core beliefs and assumptions about the world and the expectations...

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Tribute to Grieving Parents - Lady Gaga - Til It Happens To You

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Bearing The Unbearable: Grieving The Loss of a Child with guest speaker Dr Joanne Cacciatore

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Surviving the death of your child is the worst nightmare of any parent. I am a mother of twins from India. My healthy, happy, lively, and promising son, Smayan, passed away at the age of 15 from a simple viral infection that led to multi-organ failure on June, 27, 2017. He was in the best medical facility under the care of a prominent infectious disease specialist, but nothing could save him. I was the one who had to tell the doctor to let him go if he survived irreversible organ damage. By then he had suffered his first cardiac arrest and his kidneys had already shut down. The last memory I have of him is my husband and me watching him being administered his final manual CPR, the doctor jumping over his fragile body. But I am proud that we had the guts to let him go. We wanted quality life for him, not mere quantity. But when the reality of the loss set in, it shred our souls. Our daughter, Smayan's twin, had to face the trauma of losing her soulmate. They were two bodies with one soul. But she showed me the path to resilience. I have learned a tremendous amount from her. She appeared for her school exams exactly two weeks after Smayan passed. She kept us going.

On the first monthly anniversary of his death, we went to a local school and fed the kids. It gave us a lot of peace.

As we tried to start breathing again, we realized that honoring his memory is the best we can do now. On the first monthly anniversary of his death, we went to a local school and fed the kids. It gave us a lot of peace. Then it became a tradition. Every month on the 27th, we tried to do something good in his memory. This practice gave me a purpose to survive, aside from my daughter, of course. Moreover, it kept my mind busy and the spare time I had was continuously occupied searching for new places to support. We can't spend a lot of money every month, but I have prepared a budget and we work accordingly. One month, we went to a residential school that houses 300 disabled girls and gave them breakfast. The next month, I came across a pediatric cancer ward in a government hospital that houses nearly 35 kids on any day. I found my calling there. I go there every month with a small goody bag containing stuff that they would love to eat, but that their parents can't afford. Seeing the joy on the kids' faces is priceless. My entire month is spent thinking about what to buy for them, being careful not to repeat the same item, procuring it from a wholesale market so that I can purchase a few more goodies while staying within my budget, packing the stuff, communicating with the hospital, going there, and distributing the goodies to the kids. The 27th now goes by with a lot of peace, rather than tears. My daughter also helps me to pack the bags.

The tears and feelings of loss are perennial, but the pain of Smayan's passing is lessened a bit when I help these kids who are not only poor, but suffering through the worst time of their lives.

By Anal Shah *

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"Surviving the death of your child is the worst nightmare of any parent."

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Surviving the death of your child is the worst nightmare of any parent. I am a mother of twins from India. My healthy, happy, lively, and promising son, Smayan, passed away at the age of 15 from a simple viral infection that led to multi-organ failure on June, 27, 2017.

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by Angela Miller
Child loss is a loss like no other. One often misunderstood by many. If you love a bereaved parent or know someone who does, remember that even his or her "good" days are harder than you could ever imagine. Compassion and love, not advice, are needed. If you'd like an inside look into why the loss of a child is a grief that lasts a lifetime, here is what I've learned in my seven years of trekking through the unimaginable.

by Angela Miller

1). Love never dies.

There will never come a day, hour, minute or second I stop loving or thinking about my son. Just as parents of living children unconditionally love their children always and forever, so do bereaved parents. I want to say and hear his name just the same as non-bereaved parents do. I want to speak about my deceased child as normally and naturally as you speak of your living ones.

I love my child just as much as you love yours- the only difference is mine lives in heaven and talking about about him is unfortunately quite taboo in our culture. I hope to change that. Our culture isn't so great about hearing about children gone too soon, but that doesn't stop me from saying my son's name and sharing his love and light everywhere I go. Just because it might make you uncomfortable, doesn't make him matter any less. My son's life was cut irreversibly short, but his love lives on forever. And ever.

2). Bereaved parents share an unspeakable bond.

In my seven years navigating the world as a bereaved parent, I am continually struck by the power of the bond between bereaved parents. Strangers become kindreds in mere seconds- a look, a glance, a knowing of the heart connects us, even if we've never met before. No matter our circumstances, who we are, or how different we are, there is no greater bond than the connection between parents who understand the agony of enduring the death of a child. It's a pain we suffer for a lifetime, and unfortunately only those who have walked the path of child loss understand the depth and breadth of both the pain and the love we carry.

3). I will grieve for a lifetime.

Period. The end. There is no "moving on," or "getting over it." There is no bow, no fix, no solution to my heartache. There is no end to the ways I will grieve and for how long I will grieve. There is no glue for my broken heart, no exilir for my pain, no going back in time. For as long as I breathe, I will grieve and ache and love my son with all my heart and soul. There will never come a time where I won't think about who my son would be, what he would look like, and how he would be woven perfectly into the tapestry of my family. I wish people could understand that grief lasts forever because love lasts forever; that the loss of a child is not one finite event, it is a continuous loss that unfolds minute by minute over the course of a lifetime. Every missed birthday, holiday, milestone- should-be back-to-school school years and graduations; weddings that will never be; grandchildren that should have been but will never be born- an entire generation of people are irrevocably altered forever.

This is why grief lasts forever. The ripple effect lasts forever. The bleeding never stops.

4). It's a club I can never leave, but is filled with the most shining souls I've ever known.

This crappy club called child loss is a club I never wanted to join, and one I can never leave, yet is filled with some of the best people I've ever known. And yet we all wish we could jump ship- that we could have met another way- any other way but this. Alas, these shining souls are the most beautiful, compassionate, grounded, loving, movers, shakers and healers I have ever had the honor of knowing. They are life-changers, game-changers, relentless survivors and thrivers. Warrior moms and dads who redefine the word brave.

Every day loss parents move mountains in honor of their children gone too soon. They start movements, change laws, spearhead crusades of tireless activism. Why? In the hope that even just one parent could be spared from joining the club. If you've ever wondered who some of the greatest world changers are, hang out with a few bereaved parents and watch how they live, see what they do in a day, a week, a lifetime. Watch how they alchemize their grief into a force to be reckoned with, watch how they turn tragedy into transformation, loss into legacy.

Love is the most powerful force on earth, and the love between a bereaved parent and his/her child is a lifeforce to behold. Get to know a bereaved parent. You'll be thankful you did.

5). The empty chair/room/space never becomes less empty.

Empty chair, empty room, empty space in every family picture. Empty, vacant, forever gone for this lifetime. Empty spaces that should be full, everywhere we go. There is and will always be a missing space in our lives, our families, a forever-hole-in-our-hearts. Time does not make the space less empty. Neither do platitudes, clichés or well-wishes for us to "move on," or "stop dwelling," from well intentioned friends or family. Nothing does. No matter how you look at it, empty is still empty. Missing is still missing. Gone is still gone. The problem is nothing can fill it. Minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after heartbreaking year the empty space remains.

The empty space of our missing child(ren) lasts a lifetime. And so we rightfully miss them forever. Help us by holding the space of that truth for us.

6). No matter how long it's been, holidays never become easier without my son.

Never, ever. Have you ever wondered why every holiday season is like torture for a bereaved parent? Even if it's been 5, 10, or 25 years later? It's because they really, truly are. Imagine if you had to live every holiday without one or more of your precious children. Imagine how that might feel for you. It would be easier to lose an arm, a leg or two- anything- than to live without your flesh and blood, without the beat of your heart. Almost anything would be easier than living without one of more of your precious children. That is why holidays are always and forever hard for bereaved parents. Don't wonder why or even try to understand. Know you don't have to understand in order to be a supportive presence. Consider supporting and loving some bereaved parents this holiday season. It will be the best gift you could ever give them.

7). Because I know deep sorrow, I also know unspeakable joy.

Though I will grieve the death of my son forever and then some, it does not mean my life is lacking happiness and joy. Quite the contrary, in fact, though it took awhile to get there. It is not either/or, it's both/and. My life is more rich now. I live from a deeper place. I love deeper still. Because I grieve I also know a joy like no other. The joy I experience now is far deeper and more intense than the joy I experienced before my loss. Such is the alchemy of grief.

Because I've clawed my way from the depth of unimaginable pain, suffering and sorrow, again and again- when the joy comes, however and whenever it does- it is a joy that reverberates through every pore of my skin and every bone in my body. I feel all of it, deeply: the love, the grief, the joy, the pain. I embrace and thank every morsel of it. My life now is more rich and vibrant and full, not despite my loss, but because of it. In grief there are gifts, sometimes many. These gifts don't in any way make it all "worth" it, but I am grateful beyond words for each and every gift that comes my way. I bow my head to each one and say thank you, thank you, thank you. Because there is nothing- and I mean absolutely nothing- I take for granted. Living life in this way gives me greater joy than I've ever known possible.

I have my son to thank for that. Being his mom is the best gift I've ever been given.

Even death can't take that away.

ANGELA MILLER is an internationally known writer and speaker on grief and loss. She is the best-selling author of You Are the Mother of All Mothers, and the founder and executive director of the award-winning grief organization, A Bed For My Heart. After the death of her son, Angela founded A Bed For My Heart in 2013, and has given people around the world a compassionate and supportive community to express their grief and honor their children. Her article, " 7 Things I've Learned Since the Loss of My Child," has been shared over one million times. Angela's website ABedForMyHeart.com has almost two million visitors per year, and has become a trusted resource for grieving families worldwide. She has been featured in People, Psychology Today, Huffington Post, Blog Talk Radio, Love What Matters, Listen to Your Mother, and more. Angela's writing has comforted millions of hurting hearts around the world. You Are the Mother of All Mothers is her first book, and is dedicated to grieving mothers everywhere.

Join Angela's compassionate village at A Bed For My Heart.
Text and images © Angela Miller 2016. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Tagged With: Blog, a mother's love, baby loss, bereaved fathers, bereaved mothers, bereaved parents, child loss, dads, fatherhood, friends who are gold, grief, grief education, grief uncensored, healing, heartache, hope, life after loss, loss, love, love never dies, moms, motherhood, real life, strength, trauma, truth Child Loss, Most Popular, Parenting After Loss

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7 Things I've Learned Since the Loss of My Child

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by Angela Miller Child loss is a loss like no other. One often misunderstood by many. If you love a bereaved parent or know someone who does, remember that even his or her "good" days are harder than you could ever imagine. Compassion and love, not advice, are needed.

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Losing A Child - How Our 7 Year Old Son Died Unexpectedly

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My son went to bed a normal boy. Excited that Santa was on his way. Hopeful that in the morning, he would find everything he wanted under the tree. He would have! I never would have guessed that 2 hours later, when he woke up sick, it would be the start of my worst nightmare.

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The death and loss of a child are frequently called the ultimate tragedy. Nothing can be more devastating. Along with the usual symptoms and stages of grief, many issues make parental bereavement particularly difficult to resolve. And this grief over the loss of a child can be exacerbated and complicated by feelings of injustice - the understandable feeling that this loss should never have happened. During the early days of grieving, most parents experience excruciating pain, alternating with numbness - a dichotomy that may persist for months or longer. Many parents who have lost their son or daughter report feeling they can only "exist," and every motion or need beyond that seems nearly impossible. It has been said that coping with the death and loss of a child requires some of the most challenging work one will ever have to do.

The relationship between parents and their children is among the most intense in life. Much parenting centers on providing and doing for children, even after they have grown up and left home. A child's death prevents you from carrying out your parenting role as you have imagined it, as it is "supposed" to be. You may feel an overwhelming sense of failure for no longer being able to care for and protect your child, duties that you expected to fulfill for many years.

It must be remembered that bereaved parents can mourn the death and loss of a child of any age and that it feels unnatural to outlive a child. It does not make a difference whether your child is three or thirty-three when your son or daughter dies. The emotion is the same. All bereaved parents lose a part of themselves.

The search for meaning in a child's death is essential to parents. However, understanding how this type of death loss fits into the scheme of life is difficult and often unattainable. Faith is a source of comfort for some parents, but others with religious beliefs report feeling betrayed by God. Spiritual confusion is expected, as is questioning many things you may have believed certain. One father dealing with the death of a child reported that his faith in life, in general, had been shattered. He had long believed that if you lived your life as a good person, striving to make a positive contribution to the world, life would turn out well. The death of his son robbed him of that belief. This reaction isn't uncommon; losing a child feels like the ultimate violation of the rules of life.

Surviving the death and loss of a child takes dedication to live. As a parent, you gave birth to life as a promise to the future. Now you must make a new commitment to living, as hard or impossible as it may seem right now. You will survive this; however, the experience may change you.

As mentioned in the main Understanding Grief section, your grief will be individual and unique. How you grieve over the death and loss of a child and for how long will be different than for anyone else - you need to allow yourself to grieve in your way.

Other topics that may be useful to you include:

Common responses to a child's death

In addition to guilt, parents often have a sense of powerlessness attributed to feeling unable to protect their child from harm.

After a child's death, you are grieving for your child and the loss of your hopes, dreams, and expectations for that child. Time will not necessarily provide relief from this aspect of grief. Parents often experience an upsurge of grief when they would have expected their child to start school, graduate, get married, etc. Parents are rarely prepared for these triggers and the wave of grief they bring. Be aware of these triggers, and allow yourself to grieve. This is normal, appropriate, and a necessary part of the healing process.

No two people grieve alike, so there is a wide range of differences in the expression of grief. These differences may cause spouses or partners to erroneously conclude that their mate has rejected them or feels "less." A bereaved couple may find it impossible to give comfort to each other when both are feeling equal grief. Each partner may expect too much and receive too little. This unfortunate combination can create a chasm in a relationship, but it can be avoided if each accepts that you are deeply hurt. Many of the reactions and stresses you feel result from your pain, not something lacking in your relationship.

However, it is not true that most couples divorce after the loss of child. Recent studies offer some hope, showing that a much lower rate of divorces - only 12-16% - are related to the loss of a child. Perhaps with more of an understanding about grief, there will be even fewer.

How the death of a child affects a marriage

Studies have shown that the death and loss of a child will not necessarily strengthen a marriage; in fact, grief can sometimes lead to its demise. Each partner becomes deeply involved in their grief and is often dissatisfied with the quality or depth of their spouse's suffering. Coupled with the anger, frustration, guilt, and blame surrounding a child's death, parental bereavement can be a time of extreme volatility in a marriage. Each spouse must understand the importance of communication (sharing of feelings), and just as one should not judge themself for their reaction to the loss, they should not judge their spouse.

How surviving children are affected

One of the most difficult roles for a mother or father after the death and loss of a child is to continue being a parent to the surviving children. Parents must continue to function in the very role they are grieving - an enormous challenge. But the surviving child or children shouldn't feel that they are alone or have been set aside, as difficult as it may be to find the emotional reserves to support them. Parents have the difficult task of switching roles constantly, from being comforted to being the comforter, at a time when they have little ability to do so. Some parents swing to the other extreme and become extremely overprotective of their child, determined to keep them safe.

Children's needs must be addressed by you and other family members who may have more emotional reserves at this time. Others can help you help your child; you are critical to their healing process but not the sole provider of comfort. And remember, children of all ages process grief differently. To help ensure the healthy survival of your family, visit the Children and Grief section to learn more about how to support your surviving child/children during this challenging time.

Pregnancy loss and infant death

When a baby dies before or after birth, parents face a difficult emotional task: trying to say goodbye to someone they had little chance to know. They must accept that a life has ended, even though it barely began. You are likely to experience some more common symptoms of grief - you may go into shock or even deny that your baby has died. Depression, anger, frustration, and other painful emotions are to be expected. And even if you are typically a committed, caring person, you may find that you don't care about anything or anyone right now. As noted earlier, for many parents, this time is simply one of existence and survival and little more. There are two typical reactions to death that you will probably experience very acutely after losing a baby before or shortly after birth: anger and guilt. Because a baby's death seems unnatural, there is a powerful urge to blame someone. You may be angry with your doctor, hospital, or God if you are a believer.

Guilt is a common reaction to the death and loss of a child and can be particularly acute for parents who lose an infant or an unborn baby. Parents of unborn babies who often die mistakenly blame themselves for the death. The mother may believe she harmed her baby. Both parents may tell themselves they should have sensed something was wrong and alerted their doctor. While this is a normal reaction and must be processed, eventually, you must find compassion for yourself and realize that this was not your fault. You were not responsible. Knowing that it was not in your control has both an upside and a downside: you cannot blame yourself, but you may also have an increased sense of powerlessness. Getting through this is part of the process.

Pregnancy brings with it many expectations, dreams, and fantasies - you spend months planning not just the birth of your child but also their life and all the years to come. But, then, as you are emotionally preparing to welcome a child into the world, instead, you must accept the loss and all expectations for their future. Leaving grieving parents feeling overwhelmed by a tremendous sense of emptiness.

Parents of infants will have different triggers and potentially painful situations in the months following their baby's death. Your home may be filled with baby clothes, bottles, and a crib. If you registered with any new mother websites or infant sites, subscribed to any magazines, or registered for a shower, you would likely receive coupons for baby food or formula and more in the mail. A baby magazine may show up as a trial subscription. Photographers may call and offer to take baby pictures. Just walking past the infant-wear department in a store may initiate tears of mourning.

After the death and loss of a child, resolving the grief you feel for the baby you lost will be challenging. However, before accepting your baby's death, you must acknowledge their life - their existence as a person. Remember, no matter how brief your baby's life, you have just as much right to grieve as any other bereaved parent.

Ways to cope with "parental grief" open

In our Understanding Grief section, you can find a list of ways to cope with grief. Below, you'll find some ideas that are more closely related to parental grief after the death and loss of a child. Resolving parental grief may seem like an overwhelming task, but it is possible. It's essential to be realistic and optimistic. You will never get over the death and loss of your child. But you will survive it, even as the experience changes you. You will never forget your child or their death. As you go through each holiday, season, and happy and sad occasion that may trigger another wave of grief, you will gain better tools for coping with the pain.

Surviving the death and loss of a child takes dedication to live. As a parent, you gave birth as a promise to the future. Now you must make a new commitment to living, as hard or impossible as it may seem right now. You will survive this; however, the experience may change you.

Lighting a virtual memorial candle is a symbolic way to honor someone's life and mourn their death. For the religious, a virtual memorial candle can represent a prayer. For others, it is simply a way to show that someone's spirit lives on in the hearts they have left behind. Remember your loved one and light a virtual candle today.

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Help us to continue to provide free support services to individuals and families in need.

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Grieving the Death of a Child is often referred to as the ultimate tragedy.

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Grieving the Death of a Child is often referred to as the ultimate tragedy. Here you will find ways to cope and suggestions on how to move forward.

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No parent is prepared for a child's death. Parents are simply not supposed to outlive their children. It is important to remember that how long your child lived does not determine the size of your loss. The loss of a child is profound at every age.

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No parent is prepared for a child's death. Parents are simply not supposed to outlive their children. It is important to remember that how long your child lived does not determine the size of your loss. The loss of a child is profound at every age.

Parents of young children are intimately involved in their daily lives. Death changes every aspect of family life, often leaving an enormous emptiness.

The death of an older child or adolescent is difficult because children at this age are beginning to reach their potential and become independent individuals.

When an adult child dies, you lose not only a child but often a close friend, a link to grandchildren, and an irreplaceable source of emotional and practical support.

You may find that you also grieve for the hopes and dreams you had for your child, the potential that will never be realized, and the experiences you will never share. If you lost your only child, you may also feel that you have lost your identity as a parent and perhaps the possibility of grandchildren. The pain of these losses will always be a part of you. Yet with time, most parents find a way forward and begin to experience happiness and meaning in life once again.

Common grief reactions

Grief reactions after the death of a child are similar to those after other losses. But, they are often more intense and last longer. You may experience the following grief reactions:

Intense shock, confusion, disbelief, and denial, even if your child's death was expected

Overwhelming sadness and despair, such that facing daily tasks or even getting out of bed can seem impossible

Extreme guilt or a feeling that you have failed as your child's protector and could have done something differently

Intense anger and feelings of bitterness and unfairness at a life left unfulfilled

Fear or dread of being alone and overprotecting your surviving children

Resentment toward parents with healthy children

Feeling that life has no meaning and wishing to be released from the pain or to join your child

Questioning or losing faith or spiritual beliefs

Dreaming about your child or feeling your child's presence nearby

Intense loneliness and isolation, even when around other people, and feeling that no one can truly understand how you feel

Although grief is always profound when a child dies, some parents have an especially difficult time. Even as time passes, their grief remains intense, and they feel it is impossible to return to normal life. Some parents may even think about hurting themselves to escape from the pain. If you are having these feelings, talk with a professional such as a doctor or counselor right away. You can find help to move past this intense grief.

Timing of your grief reactions

Some people expect that grief should be resolved over a specific time, such as a year. But this is not true. The initial severe and intense grief you feel will not be continuous. Periods of intense grief often come and go over 18 months or longer. Over time, your grief may come in waves that are gradually less intense and less frequent. But you will likely always have some feelings of sadness and loss.

Even years after your child's death, important events and milestones in the lives of other children can trigger grief. Significant days such as graduations, weddings, or the first day of a new school year are common triggers. At these times, you may find yourself thinking about how old your child would be or what he or she would look like or be doing if still alive.

Differences in how parents grieve

Parents may grieve in different ways depending on their gender and their daily role in a child's life. One parent may find that talking helps, while the other may need quiet time to grieve alone. Cultural expectations and role differences also affect how parents grieve. Men are often expected to control their emotions, be strong, and take charge of the family. Women may be expected to cry openly and want to talk about their grief.

If you are a working parent, you may become more involved in your job to escape the sadness and daily reminders at home. A stay-at-home parent may be surrounded by constant reminders and may feel a lack of purpose now that his or her job as caregiver has abruptly ended. This is especially true for a parent who spent months or even years caring for a child with cancer.

Differences in grieving can cause relationship difficulties at a time when parents need each other's support the most. One parent may believe that the other is not grieving properly or that a lack of open grief means he or she loved the child less. Talk openly about your grief with your partner. Work to understand and accept each other's coping styles.

Helping siblings who are grieving

Parents are the focus of attention when a child dies, and the grief of siblings is sometimes overlooked. The death of a sibling is a tremendous loss for a child. They lose a family member, a confidant, and a life-long friend.

When your child developed cancer, you were likely completely focused on the needs of your sick child. You now may be overwhelmed with your own grief. Your surviving children may misinterpret your grief as a message that they are not as valued as much as the sibling who died.

You can help your children during this time of grief in several ways:

Make grief a shared family experience. Include children in discussions about memorial plans.

Spend as much time as possible with your children, talking about their sibling or playing together.

Make sure children understand that they are not responsible for a sibling's death, and help them let go of regrets and guilt.

Never compare siblings to your child who died. Make sure your child knows that you don't expect them to "fill in" for him or her.

Set reasonable limits on their behavior. But try not to be either overprotective or overly permissive. It is normal to feel protective of surviving children.

Ask a close family member or friend to spend extra time with siblings if your own grief prevents you from giving them the attention they need.

Learn more about how to help a child or teenager who is grieving and how to cope with losing a sibling to cancer.

Helping yourself grieve

As much as it hurts, it is natural and normal to grieve. You may find the following suggestions helpful while grieving:

Talk about your child often and use his or her name.

Ask family and friends for help with housework, errands, and caring for other children. This will give you important time to think, remember, and grieve.

Take time deciding what to do with your child's belongings. Don't rush to pack up your child's room or to give away toys and clothes.

Prepare ahead of time for how to respond to difficult questions like, "How many children do you have?" or comments like, "At least you have other children." Remember that people aren't trying to hurt you; they just don't know what to say.

Prepare for how you want to spend significant days, such as your child's birthday or the anniversary of your child's death. You may want to spend the day looking at photos and sharing memories or start a family tradition, such as planting flowers.

Because of the intensity and isolation of parental grief, parents may especially benefit from a support group where they can share their experiences with other parents who understand their grief and can offer hope.

Learn more about coping strategies for when you are grieving.

Finding meaning in life

You should expect that you will never really "get over" the death of your child. But you will learn to live with the loss, making it a part of who you are. Your child's death may make you rethink your priorities and the meaning of life. It may seem impossible, but you can find happiness and purpose in life again.

For some parents, an important step may be creating a legacy for your child. You may choose to honor your child by volunteering at a local hospital or a cancer support organization. Or you may work to support interests your child once had, start a memorial fund, or plant trees in your child's memory. It is important to remember that it is never disloyal to your child to reengage in life and to enjoy new experiences.

Each of your children changes your life. They show you new ways to love, new things to find joy in, and new ways to look at the world. A part of each child's legacy is that the changes he or she brings to your family continue after death. The memories of joyful moments you spent with your child and the love you shared will live on and always be part of you.

Related Resources
Understanding Grief and Loss Support Groups Making a Difference

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No parent is prepared for a child's death. Parents are simply not supposed to outlive their children. It is important to remember that how long your child lived does not determine the size of your loss. The loss of a child is profound at every age.Parents of young children are intimately involved in their daily lives.

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Μηνύματα μαθητών δημοτικού για τα θύματα στα Τέμπη.

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Μηνύματα μαθητών δημοτικού για τα θύματα στα Τέμπη.

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Supporting children with traumatic grief: What educators need to know

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Supporting children with traumatic grief: What educators need to know

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Following traumatic deaths children may develop Childhood Traumatic Grief (CTG), a condition in which trauma symptoms interfere with adaptive child grieving. Educators have an important role in supporting children who have CTG. Key contributions that educators can make are to (a) recognize CTG symptoms in school settings; (b) refer children for mental health evaluations when appropriate; (c) recognize reminders that trigger trauma symptoms and identify ways to manage these triggers and responses in school settings; (d) support CTG treatments in school by reinforcing children’s use of stress-management strategies; (e) respect confidentiality; (f) recognize the importance of cultural issues in CTG; and (g) maintain good communication with parents and other helping professionals.

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Long-Term Effects of the Death of a Child on Parents’ Adjustmentin Midlife

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Long-Term Effects of the Death of a Child on Parents’ Adjustmentin Midlife

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Άρθρο Απώλειας

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1.Anticipatory grief A psychosocial concept reconsidered

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Εναλλακτική Δράση

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Πώς το πένθος επηρεάζει το ανοσοποιητικό μας σύστημα - Εναλλακτική Δράση

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Μία πρόσφατη μελέτη εξετάζει έρευνες δεκαετιών για το πένθος και τις επιδράσεις του στο ανοσοποιητικό σύστημα.

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The Sudden Death of a Child - Compassionate Friends

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The Sudden Death of a Child When death comes without warning, the shock and disbelief can be overwhelming. It is never in the natural order of things for a child to die before his or her parents, and this can…

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This section offers suggestions about coping in the last few days of your child's life and how you might try and meet the needs of all your family. It also looks at feelings families have experienced about what happens at the end of life, and what has helped them and their child.

Many parents feel helpless and useless when their child is dying. They may feel there is nothing they can do. Perhaps they feel guilty that they sometimes feel exhausted with caring for their child. Most children find that having their parents with them is an immense comfort. It may be the most important thing you can do for your child. Your child may also need to have some time away from you and need their own space, and time with others. A respect for your child's wishes is very important, even if you feel rejected at times. Some children want to protect their family and friends. Others may distance themselves or take control of who should be there.

Listening to what your child says, and being aware of what they don't say, is very important. Try to honour your child's wishes and help them with unfinished business.

Who will help me to care for my child?

The aim of palliative care is to give your child the best quality of life possible in the time that is left. You may take on as much or as little of this care as you feel able. The arrangement should always be a flexible one allowing you to take on more, or relinquish, some of your child's care as you wish.

If you have a specialist nurse looking after your child, they will most likely be the key person coordinating everyone who may be involved during palliative care and in managing any symptoms that your child may have. They will arrange a meeting with your GP, health visitor, children's community nurse or local children's hospice nurse in order the make arrangements which meet your needs. If there is no specialist nurse, the hospital will liaise directly with the healthcare team at your local surgery.

Where should my child die?

Most parents want to know where their child can die and how it will happen. Where your child dies is very much up to you as a family and what you feel is best. You can always change your mind. Many children prefer to die at home. This offers familiar surroundings and the comfort of home. Family, friends, toys and pets can be close to hand. It may be easier for brothers and sisters to be present. If the brother or sister changes their mind, needs to be out of the room, or just wants to escape from it all for a while, you may want a relative or close friend to look after them. Doctors and nurses will visit and help.

Sometimes children need to go back to hospital or a hospice for a short time for symptom control. It is your choice if your child stays there or is taken back home to die. Events may not go as planned and your child may not die in your chosen place, or it may happen rather more quickly than expected. Experienced staff will help guide you at this time and ensure that your child's symptoms are well controlled.

When do we have to call someone?

If you think your child is about to die and you wish someone to be with you, you should be able to call your doctor or nurse to arrange this. After your child has died, you do not have to call your GP or funeral director straight away, particularly when you want some time on your own with your child and family. It is very helpful to talk about this with your doctor or nurse in advance so they know what your wishes are.

Who should be there at the end?

Many parents and brothers and sisters imagine that they will be there at the time when their child dies. For some it can be very comforting, but it can be difficult for parents who were not actually with their chid when they die. Sometimes children die when a parent has left the room.

Some children may be aware of their relatives' sadness and may be trying to protect them from it. One son told his mother, as he was slipping into a coma, to go and look after his sister. They had said their goodbyes earlier and his mother felt that he knew how upset she was going to be. She felt he was protecting her from pain.

Brothers and sisters who are included at this time generally cope better in the months following the death of their brother or sister. However, if the child who is dying, or their brother or sister, has strong opinions about this, it is crucial to listen to them. Respecting their wishes allows them to feel more in control.

Respecting your child's wishes and privacy may also mean vetting visitors. You may want to appoint a third party to give out important information so you and your family can spend time together uninterrupted.

How can I make my child more comfortable?

As a parent, you know your child best and will have their likes and dislikes at your fingertips. You can make them feel comfortable by letting them watch what they want on television, listening to music, favourite stories or other activities. Just being able to do things together, or setting up things for them to do, can be liberating and of great comfort. Keeping your child occupied, interested and stimulated will give both of you something to focus on.

Many children stop eating and drinking towards the end, so don't expect your child to want, or need, food or drink at the very end. Helping to keep their mouth moist provides comfort and the opportunity for closeness. Offer ice chips and ice pops as they can help dry lips and mouths.

Physical contact can be soothing, particularly if it happens with favourite music. Massage or regular turning to reduce sore skin can be
comforting. Cuddles for those who enjoy them can be the most important thing a parent can do, as it allows the family to be really close.

How will the end be?

We all have images conjured up by television and films, which are probably not very accurate. Nobody can tell us for sure how the end will be, but often the moment of death is peaceful. The skin colour can become paler and breathing becomes shallower or uneven until it stops completely. The child is often unconscious or sometimes sedated or very sleepy. Sometimes he or she will wake from this state for just a few seconds. It is said that people can still hear and sense touch in an unconscious state, so it might feel right to talk to your child and stroke their hand. However, sometimes the death is not like this at all and this can be distressing for the family. Sometimes the child becomes twitchy or agitated before they die. This is a physical sign that they are close to death and not that they are distressed or upset. No two deaths are alike. Your doctor or nurse will be able to discuss what is likely to happen as your child nears death.

What about children who die unexpectedly?

This can feel especially cruel if you had hoped your child would die in a certain place, and with certain people around. To feel unprepared can make the experience seem even more out of your control. This may make you feel helpless or hopeless, especially if you feel there is still unfinished business. For example, that goodbyes were not said or last messages were not conveyed. From the child's point of view, what is always most important is to know they were loved. Even if one last message re-confirming that was not said, the child would have known they were and always will be loved. It can be very difficult to accept when a child dies totally unexpectedly, such as when they were on active treatment, when families were not expecting this to happen.

If your child dies unexpectedly or very suddenly sometimes the police could be called and there may be a need to involve the coroner. This will be discussed with you by the medical professionals who come to see your child. If this is needed, your child will be treated with respect and sensitivity throughout. Sometimes in a very sudden or unexpected death there may be need for a post mortem, which would be requested by the coroner if they feel it is needed. This is a routine procedure when a child dies unexpectedly, and not because any wrongdoing is suspected.

What happens immediately after the death?

For some people time stands still. Remember that nothing has to be done in a hurry. Your child initially becomes pale, then cold, then becomes stiff and eventually relaxed again. You might wish to sit quietly with your child and talk to them or hold them in your arms. There are no rules and it is important that you do as you wish. Other people may have different views, but the decisions you make are up to you.

You do not even have to use funeral directors. If you want, you can keep your child at home until the funeral. It is worth, however, taking advice from an funeral director, particularly in warm weather conditions. If your child has died very suddenly and there needs to be an investigation it may not be possible to keep your child at home until the funeral.

You may wish to take photographs and perhaps a lock of your child's hair, or a hand or footprint. You may also want to wash your child and dress them in a favourite outfit. When your child's body is at the funeral director's everything can seem distant, but it may also be comforting to know your child is somewhere safe being looked after. One father carried his little daughter out into their garden after she had died, because she had played happily there when she had been well.

Spiritual questions: what really happens after a child dies?

No one can really say for certain, but many people believe that the spirit of the person flies free of their body. Some think the spirit goes to heaven forever and some believe that the spirit is eventually reincarnated into another body at a later date, sometimes within the same family. Even if you believe that death is not the end, you may still need to mourn the fact that you will miss your child in your lifetime.

Some parents believe that death is the end of everything. Even parents who have quite strong religious beliefs sometimes feel the need of reassurance that their child is happy somewhere else. It is certainly important to find what rings true for you, even if it differs widely from what you were taught to believe in. The death of your child can be a time of enormous growth spiritually. The spirit of a person may be what makes each one of us unique and special.

How will I feel after my child has died?

A wide range of feelings is normal at this time. These may range from disbelief, anger, extreme tiredness or uncontrollable tears, to a feeling of peace and almost relief that your child's suffering has ended. It can be a feeling of 'sweet sorrow'. Another parent felt nothing, even when she was ringing the funeral director. She supported family and friends, and felt as if she was talking about someone else, not her own son. It wasn't until she saw the coffin that she felt something. This is a very natural reaction to the pain of losing someone you love very much.

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This section offers suggestions about coping in the last few days of your child's life and how you might try and meet the needs of all your family. It also looks at feelings families have experienced about what happens at the end of life, and what has helped them and their child.

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Abstract

The death of a child is a traumatic event that can have long-term effects on the lives of parents. This study examined bereaved parents of deceased children (infancy to age 34) and comparison parents with similar backgrounds ( n = 428 per group) identified in the Wisconsin Longitudinal Study. An average of 18.05 years following the death, when parents were age 53, bereaved parents reported more depressive symptoms, poorer well-being, and more health problems and were more likely to have experienced a depressive episode and marital disruption than were comparison parents. Recovery from grief was associated with having a sense of life purpose and having additional children but was unrelated to the cause of death or the amount of time since the death. The results point to the need for detection and intervention to help those parents who are experiencing lasting grief.

Keywords: bereavement, nonnormative parenting, death of child, parental grief, midlife

Each year, over 50,000 U.S. children die ( U.S. National Center for Health Statistics, 2000). The death of a child is one of the most painful events that an adult can experience and is linked to complicated/traumatic grief reactions ( Prigerson et al., 1999). For parents, the dissolution of the attachment relationship with the child elicits severe anxiety and other negative emotions associated with loss ( Bowlby, 1980). Parents might also experience guilt about having been unable to protect the child ( Gilbert, 1997). Furthermore, because the death of a child defies the expected order of life events, many parents experience the event as a challenge to basic existential assumptions ( Wheeler, 2001).

In light of the significance of child death as a traumatic experience for parents, research on parental bereavement is more limited than might be expected. Most studies have been clinical descriptions of participants in grief support groups (e.g., Compassionate Friends), so the findings likely have been influenced both by the self-selection factors that led individuals to seek this type of help and by the participants' experiences in the support groups. As a result, the findings cannot be generalized to the broader population of bereaved parents. Furthermore, drawing from traditional models of grief resolution that emphasize relatively short-term adaptations, researchers have usually assessed functioning for only a brief period during the acute phase of bereavement. Few studies have examined longer term outcomes, and most that have done so have used retrospective reports, which are subject to distortion when individuals recall their functioning many years earlier (e.g., Nelson & Frantz, 1996; Stehbens & Lascari, 1974).

The purpose of the present study was to examine the life course impacts of parental bereavement in an unselected sample of adults who were studied prospectively from early adulthood, prior to the birth of the child, to middle age, usually many years after the death of the child. We identified bereaved parents who were participants in the Wisconsin Longitudinal Study (WLS; Hauser et al., 1993), a prospective longitudinal study of a random sample of high school graduates surveyed periodically between 1957 and 1992. The WLS contains information about potential impacts in multiple domains of functioning, including psychological well-being, health, social relationships, and occupational and family roles. Furthermore, we evaluated whether circumstances of the death predicted individual variations in midlife functioning.

Research on the impact of bereavement as a trauma has emphasized significant negative psychological and health outcomes. For instance, Stroebe, Stroebe, and Abakoumkin (2005) found that bereaved persons, especially those with extreme emotional loneliness and severe depressive symptoms, are at risk for suicidal ideation. Li, Laursen, Precht, Olsen, and Mortensen (2005) found that bereaved parents, especially mothers, were at increased risk for a first psychiatric hospitalization as compared with nonbereaved parents. In fact, maternal risk of hospitalization remained significantly elevated 5 years or more after the death. Using Danish national registries, these investigators also found that mortality rates were higher among bereaved than nonbereaved parents, particularly for deaths due to unnatural causes (e.g., accidents and suicide) within the first 3 years after the child's death ( Li, Precht, Mortensen, & Olson, 2003). Bereavement was associated with long-term mortality due to illness (e.g., cancer) for the mothers, presumably because of stress, a weakened immune system, or poor health behaviors (e.g., smoking, alcohol consumption).

The traumatic impact of bereavement has been shown to extend to social functioning and family life. Difficulties have been noted for parental marital functioning, in particular ( Najman et al., 1993). One study indicated that the divorce rates among bereaved parents are as much as eight times the norm ( Lehman, Wortman, & Williams, 1987). Although a review of the bereavement literature by Oliver (1999) challenged this conclusion, methodological limitations associated with sampling and difficulties in tracking divorced couples make it impossible to draw clear conclusions about marital disruption from previous research ( Murphy, Johnson, Wu, Fan, & Lohan, 2003).

The time course for parental grief is uncertain and can be expected to show great variability. Traditional models that described the grief response (e.g., Lindemann, 1944) proposed that grief reactions should be completed within a few weeks to a few months after a death. However, Becvar's (2000) research, for example, suggested that a more typical time line of grief begins with shock and intense grief for 2 weeks, followed by 2 months of strong grieving, and then a slow recovery that takes about 2 years. Other studies have indicated that even this time line is too short in the situation of a child's death. For example, Murphy et al. (2003) found that parents reported thinking of the death of their child daily 3 and 4 years after the event, and McClowry et al. (1995) found that parents whose child died of cancer still experienced pain and a sense of loss 7-9 years after the death. Also, emotional ties to deceased children may not be fully severed, and negative emotions might persist despite other forms of positive adaptation ( Murphy et al., 2003). Thus, many parents grieve indefinitely ( Klass, 1999; Rubin, 1993).

The majority of parents likely accommodate the loss without significant long-term disruption in major life domains; for others, however, "moving on" does not occur smoothly. The extent of disruption and the need for professional help during recovery probably are influenced by the level of preexisting problems and the psychological resources that parents bring to the situation of coping with bereavement ( Kazak & Noll, 2004). Among individuals who seek treatment for protracted grief, recent work emphasizes the task of finding meaning in the loss as key to long-term recovery ( Neimeyer, 1998). Much of this theory has been based on Frankl's seminal work (1978), in which he described the vast emptiness that bereaved individuals feel as "existential vacuum." Likewise, grief has been described as the loss of an "assumptive world," in that the generalized sense of predictability and stability of the world has been challenged ( Emmons, Colby, & Kaiser, 1998; Gilbert, 1997). Accordingly, clinical approaches have emphasized the need to help the survivor find meaning and a sense of purpose for both the deceased's life and his or her own life in order to regain a sense of well-being ( Klass, 1999).

Finding meaning in life should be facilitated by engaging in rewarding activities, such as pursuing satisfying work and participating in community and religious organizations ( Sherkat & Reed, 1992), or by having another child after the death and investing in relationships with the remaining children ( Najman et al., 1993). For example, Videka-Sherman (1982) considered that having another child after the death was a "constructive action" for the parents and found that their doing so was a significant predictor of better psychological adjustment to the loss. However, this strategy might have unexpected costs, as parents with larger families experienced more estrangement, more anger, and less openness as they dealt with the loss of a child ( Nelson & Frantz, 1996), perhaps because more children overtaxed their resources.

The current study, which was based on theory and previous research on parental grief, employed a life span developmental approach to examine the long-term adjustment of bereaved parents and to explore the role of finding meaning in life as a potential mechanism of recovery. We used longitudinal data to identify individuals who had lost a child at some point in their own life course and to evaluate the effects of this event on later adult functioning. The availability of family background information in the WLS provided us the unique opportunity to match bereaved mothers and fathers to a comparison group with similar preparenthood characteristics, thereby elucidating differing life trajectories. From the large population sample, we could identify a sufficiently large group of bereaved parents to detect even small effects for a nonclinical sample that was not self selected for this purpose.

The specific hypotheses were as follows:

Hypothesis 1: Although the majority of parents were expected to show effective adaptation to bereavement, there would be evidence of lasting grief in the form of negative psychological, health, social, and occupational functioning in midlife. Specifically, parents who experienced the death of a child would be more likely than would nonbereaved parents to report depressive symptoms, poor psychological well-being, health problems, limited social participation, marital disruption, and limited occupational success. However, because of the search for meaning triggered by grief, which is a critical part of coping with bereavement, we expected that bereaved parents would report a greater sense of purpose in life and more religious participation than would comparison parents.

Hypothesis 2: Recovery from grief would be facilitated by the individual's ability to find a sense of purpose in life, as well as through activities that give life meaning, such as religious participation, social participation, having a satisfying job, having other children at the time of death, and giving birth to a new child after the death. Thus, we expected that, in addition to having direct effects on functioning, these factors would moderate the differences between the bereaved and the comparison parents and would predict less negative functioning (i.e., better recovery) within the bereaved group.

Method

Overview of the WLS

The WLS is an investigation of a random sample of 10,317 men and women who graduated from Wisconsin high schools in 1957 ( Hauser et al., 1993). Survey data were collected in 1957, 1975, and 1992, when respondents were age 18, 36, and 53 years, respectively. We focused on midlife functioning in 1992 for participants who had experienced the death of a child between 1957 and 1992.

Participants

We initially identified 530 participants who had reported that one of their children was deceased by the 1992 point of data collection. Data on the age of the child and/or the date of the death were missing for 24 of these cases (5%). Another 78 individuals (15%) were eliminated because, although they had participated in the 1992 telephone interview, they did not complete the 1992 mail survey, which contained the majority of the measures examined in this study. Thus, our sample of bereaved parents totaled 428 individuals. The group consisted of 144 fathers and 284 mothers, which was nearly a 2:1 ratio of women to men who reported experiencing a child death. The men were particularly less likely than were the women to report deaths that occurred during or shortly following childbirth ( n = 39 men, 110 women).

To ensure that the bereaved parents were similar to the comparison group on background characteristics first measured in 1957 (when they were age 18), we used the following stratification variables from 1957 to select the comparison group: the occupational prestige scores for the participant's father, family income, and population of the respondent's hometown community. Using the median scores for the bereavement sample to dichotomize these variables, we stratified the remaining WLS participants according to these characteristics. Gender of the participant was used as another stratification variable. We selected a comparison sample by randomly sampling from within each stratum the same number of comparison parents as there were bereaved parents in the stratum, which provided equal representation with the bereaved group across all strata. Also, only individuals who were parents and who had completed both the phone and the mail surveys in 1992 were chosen for this group. Thus, the comparison group ( n = 428) consisted of a stratified random sample of 144 men and 284 women who resembled the bereaved group on the family background stratification variables. Two-way (Group × Gender) analyses of variance (ANOVAs) confirmed that the stratification produced two groups that did not differ significantly on the stratification variables or other early background characteristics; the latter included family-of-origin size, total years of education for the father and the mother, and high school IQ score, Fs (1, 854) = 0.00 -1.56, all p s nonsignificant.

The bereavement and comparison groups did not differ significantly on any demographic characteristics assessed in midlife, F(1, 854) = .19 -2.11, p = .15-.67, χ ²(1-3, N = 856) = 0.41- 3.78, p = .17-.59. The average age of the participants in 1992 was 52.60 years ( SD = 0.56). Most participants (65%) had obtained no additional schooling after high school, whereas 15% had attended some college or earned an associate degree, 11% had earned a bachelor's degree, and 9% had obtained an advanced degree. The modal number of living children was three, which occurred for 28% of the parents; 38% of the parents had fewer than three children, and 34% had more than three. In 1992, 87% of the parents were married. Consistent with the makeup of Wisconsin's population in 1957, virtually all of the WLS sample (99%) is White. Most parents (93%) reported having a religious affiliation, with 47% Protestant and 40% Catholic, and 48% reported attending religious services at least once per week.

Measures

Depressive symptoms

Depressive symptoms were assessed with the Center for Epidemiologic Studies Depression Scale (CES-D; Radloff, 1977), a 20-item self-report inventory designed to measure current level of symptoms. Each item asks how many days in the past week the person has experienced depressive symptoms, such as "feeling lonely" and "having crying spells." Items were scored 0 ( 0 days), 1 ( 1-2 days), 2 ( 3-4 days), or 3 ( 5-7 days), so total scores could range from 0 to 60, with a cutoff score of 16 recommended for identifying individuals with clinically significant depressive symptoms ( Radloff, 1977). This measure has excellent psychometric properties in studies of midlife and older adults ( Gatz & Hurwicz, 1990), α = .88 for the present sample. In addition, a random sample of 79% of the participants reported on lifetime occurrence of depressive episodes lasting 2 or more weeks.

Purpose in life and psychological well-being

Participants completed an abbreviated version of Ryff's Psychological Well-Being Scale ( Schmutte & Ryff, 1997); it included a subscale that measured the belief that one's life is purposeful, along with five other dimensions of psychological well-being, including autonomy/self-determination, self-acceptance of oneself and one's past life, environmental mastery, personal growth, and positive relations with others. The abbreviated version included in the 1992 WLS mail survey contained 7 of the original 14 items for each subscale, selected because they had the highest factor loadings in previous research. The response format ranged from 1 ( strongly disagree) to 6 ( strongly agree). To assess the extent to which the bereaved parents had achieved a sense of purpose in life, we used scores for the abbreviated 7-item Purpose in Life subscale (α = .78). Also, to assess other aspects of overall psychological well-being, we used total scores summed across the items from the remaining five subscales (α = .90).

Physical health

Global self-perceptions of health were assessed with the question "How would you rate your health overall?" The answer choices ranged from 1 ( very poor) to 5 ( excellent). In addition, the participants completed a checklist of physical symptoms, common diseases/chronic health problems, and medical conditions, from which we formed two scales that assessed cardiovascular health problems and musculoskeletal problems. Each scale included four symptoms or conditions, so that scores ranged from 0 to 4. The cardiovascular health problems included chest pains, shortness of breath, diagnosed heart trouble, and high blood pressure. The musculoskeletal problems included aching muscles, stiff/swollen joints, back pain/strain, and diagnosed serious back trouble. Warren, Hoonakker, Carayon, and Brand (2004) demonstrated that these three health indices were associated with socioeconomic and job stress.

Occupational attainment and income

Household income was a combination of the incomes of the respondent and his or her spouse, and occupational attainment was the occupational prestige score from Duncan's Socio-Economic Index ( Stevens & Featherman, 1981). Both were measured in 1992.

Social participation

Participation in social organizations was assessed with a count of memberships in a list of 17 possible types of social organizations (e.g., civic groups, sports teams), which is an index of social participation ( Seltzer, Greenberg, Floyd, Pettee, & Hong, 2001). Religious participation was assessed with the frequency of the respondent's religious attendance in the past year, recorded on a 6-point scale ranging from 0 ( never) to 5 ( once a week).

Marital disruption

All entrances into and exits from marriages were recorded during the entire period of the WLS. We used the record to identify whether the participant had experienced a marital separation or divorce by 1992.

Job satisfaction

Satisfaction with current job in 1992 was rated on a 4-point scale, ranging from 1 ( very dissatisfied) to 4 ( very satisfied).

Presence of other children and timing and cause of death

Parents completed a roster of their children that included the birth dates for all children and the date of death for any deceased children. This information indicated whether another child was alive at the time of the death and whether another child was born after the death. Reports on the cause of death were obtained from most parents ( n = 384), and these reports showed good agreement (78% exact matches) with data from the National Death Index.

Overview of Analyses

The first set of hypotheses about the effects of bereavement on adjustment and well-being in midlife was evaluated in a series of analyses that contrasted the bereaved and the comparison parents. Variables measured on continuous scales and rating scales were submitted to two-way ANOVAs, with Group (bereaved, comparison) and parent Gender (father, mother) as the two factors. Binary categorical variables were submitted to chi-square tests that evaluated both group and gender differences. The second set of hypotheses about potential predictors and moderators of adjustment for the bereaved parents was evaluated with a series of hierarchical linear and logistic regressions that predicted functioning on the measures of adjustment and well being that differed between the groups. We examined both the main effects of the predictors and their interactions with group membership in order to test for moderation of the effect of bereavement status.

Results

Bereavement Event

The average age of the children at the time of death was 10.23 years ( SD = 10.44). Approximately a third (33%) died shortly after birth or in infancy, before the 1st birthday; 20% died between ages 1 and 9, 18% died between ages 10 and 19, and 30% died between ages 20 and 34. The average age of the parent when the child died was 34.87 years ( SD = 10.49), with 40% of the sample age 29 or younger, 20% between ages 30 and 39, and 40% between ages 40 and 54. For parents of more than 1 deceased child ( n = 42), we used the most recent death prior to the 1992 survey as the focus. At the time of the 1992 survey, the average time since the death was 18.05 years ( SD = 10.57), with a range from a few months to 34 years before. According to the International Classification of Diseases, Ninth Revision ( U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control, 2007) classification of cases for which the cause of death was known, 144 (38%) were caused by complications of pregnancy, childbirth, and the puerperium, or by congenital anomalies. Another 138 children (36%) died from external causes of injury and poisoning, including accidents and suicide, and 102 children (27%) died from illnesses, including neoplasms and other diseases.

Association of Bereavement With Adjustment in Midlife

The mean scores and results of the analyses that contrasted the bereaved and comparison groups on the study variables are given in Table 1 . We focused on the group main effects to address the research hypotheses. There were no significant Group × Gender interactions.

Table 1

Variable

F/χ² test
group

Bereaved group

Comparison group

Emotional distress, well-being, and physical health

Consistent with the hypothesis about functioning in midlife, a significant group effect for scores on the CES-D indicated that the bereaved parents reported more depressive symptoms than did the comparison parents ( d = 0.19; see Table 1 ). To evaluate the severity of depression, we used the recommended cutoff score of 16 on the CES-D to identify individuals who met or exceeded clinical levels of depressive symptoms. As shown in Table 1 , a significantly higher percentage of the bereaved than of the comparison parents met this criterion. Also, there was a significant group difference in the number of parents who reported ever experiencing an episode of depression in adulthood, with the rate for bereaved parents almost twice the rate for the comparison group. Among the bereaved group, 83% of the parents who reported an episode of depression had experienced the episode within 3 years after the death of the child.

Although we expected that the bereaved parents would report a relatively greater sense of purpose in life than would comparison parents, the bereaved parents reported a lower sense of purpose in life ( d = 0.17). There also was a significant group effect for overall psychological well-being ( d = 0.13). In this case, the lower scores for the bereaved than for the comparison parents were consistent with expectations.

Of the three health variables, only cardiovascular health problems differed across the groups, with the bereaved group reporting more of these problems than did the comparison group ( d = 0.12). There was no significant group difference in musculoskeletal problems, and the bereaved group did not evaluate its general health less favorably than did the comparison group.

Marital disruption and social participation

As shown in Table 1 , the groups differed significantly in the occurrence of marital disruption in the form of separation or divorce. As expected, the bereaved parents had experienced a higher rate of marital disruption than had the nonbereaved parents. Also as expected, the bereaved group reported higher rates of religious participation than did the comparison group. However, the groups did not differ in levels of participation in social organizations.

Occupational functioning

There was no evidence that the bereaved group experienced significant impairment in occupational functioning. The Duncan Socio-economic Index scores for occupational prestige for the current job did not differ for the groups, and the average current household income was not significantly lower for the bereaved than for the comparison group. Also, the ratings of current job satisfaction were not significantly different for the groups.

Prediction of Functioning and Moderation of Bereavement Effects

To evaluate whether the impact of bereavement would be predicted or moderated by social and psychological resources, we focused on predicting functioning in three domains in which the bereaved group reported more difficulties than did the comparison parents: depressive symptoms, cardiovascular health problems, and marital disruption. The hypothesis was that bereavement would have less negative effects on parents who reported relatively greater purpose in life, religious participation, participation in social organizations, and job satisfaction. Although the groups also differed on psychological well-being, the high correlation of this variable with purpose-in-life scores, r(808) = .79, p < .001, precluded us from examining additional predictors.

Depressive symptoms

The regression findings predicting depressive symptoms are reported in Table 2 . After we had accounted for the main effects of bereaved group status and gender (Step 1), purpose in life, but not the other predictors, contributed significantly to the prediction of depressive symptoms, Δ R ² = .30, F change(4, 851) = 88.92, p < .001. Regarding moderation, the significant two-way interaction of Group × Life Purpose, entered after all main effects, indicated that the effects of purpose in life differed for the two groups. However, there also was a significant three-way interaction of Group × Life Purpose × Gender. The entire model with the interactions accounted for 33% of the variance in depressive symptoms, F(19, 836) = 21.26, p < .001. The significant three-way interaction is portrayed in Figure 1 , which shows that although higher levels of purpose in life were associated with lessened depressive symptoms for all groups of parents, the negative slope was greatest for the bereaved fathers and least for the comparison fathers. Accordingly, the highest levels of depressive symptoms occurred for the bereaved parents, particularly fathers, who had relatively low scores for purpose in life.

Cardiovascular health problems

The results for predicting cardiovascular health problems are reported in Table 2 . After we had accounted for the main effects of group and gender at Step 1, only purpose in life significantly contributed to the prediction of cardiovascular health problems at Step 2, Δ R ² = .04, F change(4, 851) = 7.30, p < .001, with higher scores for purpose in life associated with fewer health problems. There were no significant interactions indicative of moderation of group effects for predicting this outcome. The entire model accounted for 5% of the variance in cardiovascular health problems, F(19, 836) = 2.31, p < .01.

Marital disruption

The results of the logistic regression that predicted marital disruption are given in Table 3 . After we had accounted for the main effects of group and gender in Step 1, the only significant predictor of a lower likelihood of marital disruption was greater religious participation (Step 2). Interestingly, as shown in Table 3 , the effect of the bereaved group remained significant after we had accounted for the other predictors, including religious participation. The model, with all main effects, accounted for 11% of the variance in marital disruption, χ ²(6, N = 856) = 65.23, p < .001. None of the interactions contributed significantly to the prediction.

Additional children of the bereaved parents

We conducted similar regressions with the bereaved parents to examine whether the presence of other children in the family, born either before or after the death, was associated with resilience or recovery from grief on the same three outcomes: depressive symptoms, cardiovascular health problems, and marital disruption. There were no significant effects in the regressions that predicted depressive symptoms and cardiovascular health problems. For prediction of marital disruption, parents were less likely to experience a marital disruption when they had other living children at the time of the death, B = −0.52, SE = 0.22, Wald(1) = 5.31, p < .05, odds ratio = 0.60.

Cause and Time Since the Death

It was possible that current functioning could be associated with the cause of the death and the length of time since the death. Thus, as a follow-up to the predictions of recovery from grief, we repeated the regression analyses using only the bereavement sample that provided information on the cause of the child's death ( n = 384) and tested whether the cause of death and time since the death predicted functioning or influenced the effects of the other predictors of recovery from grief. The three cause-of-death categories (infant death, death due to external causes, and death due to illness) were dummy coded, and each was entered into the regressions as a main effect, along with amount of time since the death and the other predictors. Cause and time since the death were associated with each other, in that infant deaths had occurred longer ago than other deaths, t(382) = 22.22, p < .001. However, neither cause nor time since the death was associated with any measures of functioning ( rs = .09 to .06, all p s nonsignificant). All previous predictive effects remained the same when these variables were included in the regressions.

Discussion

The results extended previous findings about grief for bereaved parents to suggest that the death of a child could be associated with longer lasting difficulties for parents than had been previously described. An average of 18 years after the death, the characteristics that significantly distinguished the bereaved and the nonbereaved parents in this study were consistent with research on shorter term outcomes showing that depressive symptoms are common features of grief ( American Psychiatric Association, 2000), that depressive episodes tend to follow the death of a child ( Li et al., 2005), and that bereaved parents are at risk for health problems and marital problems ( Bohannon, 1991; Parkes, 1998). The effect sizes for the contrasts of the bereaved and nonbereaved parents were generally small, which indicates that most bereaved parents were not experiencing clinical levels of symptoms or substantial disruption in midlife. Instead, the elevated depressive symptoms paired with somewhat poorer well-being and lower sense of life purpose suggested sub-clinical levels of distress. Furthermore, the fact that better functioning was not more likely with greater time since the death indicated that bereavement for a deceased child might contribute to persistent problems lasting over several decades for many parents. Neither traditional conceptualizations of grief as having a time-limited impact followed by a return to normal functioning (e.g., Lindemann, 1944) nor the concept of a traumatic grief reaction ( Prigerson et al., 1999) in the form of persistent severe symptoms following a death captures the type of long-term difficulties revealed by the current investigation. Instead, the findings are more consistent with a picture of lasting grief associated with this highly significant, often unexpected, and unexplainable loss.

Whereas short-term grief reactions are generally associated with disruptions in occupational, social, and family roles, these difficulties were not apparent in the current findings. The normative functioning in these areas for the bereaved parents likely reflects recovery and a return to typical roles and activities. In this regard, the contrast with psychological distress and health problems as lasting challenges is striking; it suggests that these negative internal experiences may not be evident in social roles and, thus, may not be recognized by others. Accordingly, clinical work with bereaved parents (e.g., Rando, 1993) has suggested that a source of difficulty for these parents is the failure of family and friends to recognize the need for continued emotional support when individuals return to other life roles and their outward signs of grief are not so apparent.

The nonclinical nature of the sample and, for most parents, the lengthy period since the occurrence of the death likely accounted for our limited ability to identify moderators of bereavement effects. Nevertheless, the regression findings highlighted the importance of finding meaning in life as a key to resilience and recovery from grief. The importance of purpose in life as a predictor of long-term functioning, particularly among the bereaved fathers, was consistent with the clinical literature that has focused on this factor (e.g., Neimeyer, 2001). It is possible that purpose in life was associated with depressive symptoms because a sense of purposelessness is itself a symptom of more general depression. Indeed, the finding that purpose in life did not show expected elevations for the bereaved group and was actually lower for this group than for the comparison group might reflect the downward pull of more general depression in reducing the sense of life purpose. However, purpose in life also predicted better health, which was consistent with its role as a determinant of positive adaptation. Thus, it seems likely that existentially oriented interventions that help bereaved individuals find meaning in the death and develop a renewed sense of life purpose might help to reduce lasting distress and future health problems.

In a similar vein, the predictive effect of having other children at the time of the death, which was associated with lower chances for marital disruption within the bereaved sample, can be regarded as a way of finding meaning through important life tasks ( Videka-Sherman, 1982). The result was consistent with other research that reported lower rates of psychiatric problems for bereaved parents with more children in the family ( Li et al., 2005) and confirmed the expected role of involvement in parenting for promoting positive recovery. However, because having other children in the home was more likely in this sample when the death involved an infant child, as opposed to a child who died later in life, it is not clear whether circumstances apart from having additional children accounted for marital stability. For example, deaths involving older children, where attachment bonds would be expected to be stronger, may be more stressful for marital relationships than are infant deaths. Research is needed to disentangle the effects of these circumstances in samples where these confounds are not present.

A curious feature of this investigation is the smaller number of men than number of women in the WLS who reported that a child had died. Several circumstances might have contributed to the imbalanced gender composition of the bereaved group. First, because the men married at older ages than did the women, consistent with social norms, they began having children later; thus, there was a somewhat shorter period during which a child death could have occurred. Second, the higher mortality rate for men than for women meant that fewer men participated in the 1992 wave of data collection and could be included in our sample. There also were more unmarried mothers than unmarried fathers in the WLS sample. Nevertheless, these circumstances would account for only relatively small differences in the numbers of bereaved mothers and fathers, rather than the 2:1 ratio in this sample. Instead, it is possible that men underreported child death as a way of coping with grief. This form of coping could include simply neglecting to acknowledge infant deaths as bereavement events, as suggested by the particularly low frequencies of these reports by men, as well as more active strategies involving either suppressing thoughts about the child or refusing to acknowledge the bereavement to the study interviewer. Interestingly, lower reports by men than by women on child-related conditions are not unique to the situation of child death. In working with interview databases to investigate other stressful parenting experiences, including raising a child who has a developmental disability or severe mental illness ( Seltzer et al., 2001), we have consistently obtained less frequent reports of these conditions by men than by women. Because bereavement-related differences were similar for men and for women in this study, it is not clear whether or how underreporting of the event by men might have influenced the findings. However, it raises intriguing questions for future research about how avoidance, suppression, or denial might function as long-term coping strategies under these circumstances.

There were limitations in the design of this study that should be considered by those evaluating the results. One limitation was that the putative moderating mechanisms, which included religious and social participation and the presence of rewarding work, were assessed long after the death and concurrently with the outcomes examined. Although this situation is useful for examining correlates of recovery, the unavailability of measures of these factors either before or at the time of the death might have accounted for the failure to detect significant effects in this study. Another limitation was that recruitment of the cohort sample in one geographic location might have reduced generalizability to other groups. Most notably, racial/ethnic minorities were not represented in the WLS, due to the low numbers of minorities living in Wisconsin at the study's beginning. Thus, ethnocultural differences in attitudes toward death and bereavement (e.g., Hayslip & Peveto, 2005) that might affect long-term adaptation for parents could not be discerned in this sample. There were also limitations associated with the use of unstandardized and single-item measures, in some cases, which suggest that we should be cautious when interpreting the nonsignificant findings in particular.

Regarding implications for policy and intervention, the findings point to the need for detection and intervention for parents who do not typically present for clinical services. Kazak and Noll (2004) identified three levels of risk for parental bereavement that are likely associated with different needs for professional services. The service recommendations include acknowledgment of the loss in order to facilitate coping for all parents, including those who adapt well; specialized grief interventions for parents who seek help for complicated grief reactions; and intensive, broad-based interventions for highly vulnerable parents who experience multiple serious problems following the death. The relatively high rates of significant current depressive symptoms and cardiovascular health problems, along with a history of marital disruption in our nonclinical sample, might be accounted for by high-risk vulnerable parents, but they also might reflect a need for greater attention to sub-clinical levels of dysfunction in parents who otherwise are functioning well. It seems that these problems are not likely to lead parents to seek specialized interventions focused on bereavement. Furthermore, the lack of empirically supported interventions for parental grief ( Kazak & Noll, 2004) leaves open the question of whether long-term problems could be prevented effectively. For example, whereas some form of existentially oriented therapeutic intervention might be helpful for parents who did not initially seek out services, there is a need for empirical investigations to clarify this issue.

Acknowledgments

This research was funded by National Institute on Aging, National Institutes of Health Grants R01 AG20558 and P01 AG21079.

Contributor Information

Catherine H. Rogers, Department of Psychology, Georgia State University.

Frank J. Floyd, Department of Psychology, Georgia State University.

Marsha Mailick Seltzer, Waisman Center, University of Wisconsin-Madison.

Jan Greenberg, Waisman Center, University of Wisconsin-Madison.

Jinkuk Hong, Waisman Center, University of Wisconsin-Madison.

References

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. International Classification of Diseases, Ninth Revision. 2007. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/about/major/dvs/icd9des.htm.

U.S. National Center for Health Statistics. Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office; 2000. Deaths and death rates for the 10 leading causes of death in specified age groups, by race and sex.

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Long-Term Effects of the Death of a Child on Parents' Adjustment in Midlife

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The death of a child is a traumatic event that can have long-term effects on the lives of parents. This study examined bereaved parents of deceased children (infancy to age 34) and comparison parents with similar backgrounds (n = 428 per group) identified ...

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What are the long-term effects of child loss on parental health? Social integration as mediator

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Some bereaved parents experience a decreasing trajectory of grief, while others fail to adapt over the long term and persistently suffer from negative...

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Ελευθερία Μελ. Μουστάκα

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Απώλεια του παιδιού: Πώς μπορείς να βοηθήσεις τους γονείς στο πένθος που βιώνουν;

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Σίγουρα δεν υπάρχει ιδανικός τρόπος για το πώς μπορούμε να στηρίξουμε ένα δικό μας φίλο που πενθεί το παιδί του, υπάρχουν όμως ορισμένοι τρόποι που προσφέρουν ανακούφιση και βοηθούν. Αναμφισβήτητα μία από τις μεγαλύτερες απώλειες που μπορεί να…

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Δύο πραγματικά πολύ ενδιαφέρουσες και ιδιαίτερα ευαίσθητες ομιλίες και ταυτόχρονα μαρτυρίες για τον θάνατο του παιδιού πραγματοποιήθηκαν στην διαδικτυακή διημερίδα "Βήματα Ασθενών" του iatronet.gr και της ΑΜΚΕ "Μαθήματα Ζωής" που έγινε διαδικτυακά στις 11-12/3/2022 με γενικό τίτλο "Αόρατα πένθη - πένθη Ταμπού".

Ομιλήτριες στο πολύ σοβαρό αυτό θέμα που αφορά την απώλεια ενός παιδιού ήταν οι κ.κ Μένια Κουκουγιάννη Συνιδρύτρια - διευθύντρια της ΑΜΚΕ "Καρκινάκι" Ενημέρωση για τον Καρκίνο στην Παιδική και Εφηβική Ηλικία και η Χαρά Παπαντώνη , Μηχανικός, μέλος Δ. Σ "Καρκινάκι".

Η ανάγκη να μιλήσουν ανοιχτά οι γονείς για τον καρκίνο στην παιδική ηλικία, να σπάσουν τα ταμπού αλλά και να προσφερθεί η ανάλογη βοήθεια στους γονείς που τα παιδιά τους πάσχουν από καρκίνο ήταν και η αφορμή, όπως τόνισε η Μένια Κουκουγιάννη, για την δημιουργία της ΑΜΚΕ "Καρκινάκι". Ο καρκίνος εξακολουθεί να είναι ταμπού, όπως είναι ο HIV, οι ηπατίτιδες και άλλες πολλές ασθένειες.

Όταν το παιδί νοσήσει από καρκίνο - πόσο μάλλον όταν πεθάνει - ο κόσμος των ονείρων που έχει ο γονέας και της επένδυσης στο παιδί του διαλύεται, στην κυριολεξία δεν υπάρχει παρελθόν, παρόν και μέλλον.

Θυμός, απόγνωση, απελπισία και ενοχές αισθάνεται ο γονέας που το παιδί του νοσεί. Η σκέψη και η μόνιμη απορία συνίσταται αποκλειστικά και μόνο στο "γιατί να αρρωσταίνουν τα παιδιά". Είναι πολλά τα ερωτήματα που βασανίζουν τους γονείς και που πολλές φορές δεν έχουν απάντηση.

Επιτακτική στην περίπτωση νόσησης ή θανάτου ενός παιδιού είναι η ανάγκη συμπαράστασης στους γονείς από ειδικούς σε θέματα ψυχικής υγείας.

Στην Ελλάδα, ένα παιδί την ημέρα νοσεί από καρκίνο. "Πρέπει να αντιμετωπίσουμε το πένθος. Πρέπει να μάθουμε την σπείρα του πένθους που λένε και οι ειδικοί", υπογραμμίζει η Μένα Κουκουγιάννη.

Η ψυχολογική υποστήριξη είναι πολύ σημαντική. Η Ελλάδα πάντως, όπως σημειώνει, έχει πολύ μεγάλη έλλειψη στους πενθούντες γονείς. Ο γονέας που έχει χάσει το παιδί του αντιμετωπίζει ένα πολύ μεγαλύτερο στίγμα.

"Δεν περιγράφεται καν με λόγια το συναίσθημα που βιώνει ο γονέας που χάνει το παιδί του" επισημαίνει από την πλευρά της η Χαρά Παπαντώνη, γονέας που έχει βιώσει την απώλεια του παιδιού του.

Το πρώτο που βλέπει κανείς, είναι ότι ενώ βιώνει ένα ασύλληπτο πένθος, η ζωή στον υπόλοιπο κόσμο συνεχίζεται κανονικά. Αυτή η αντίφαση βιώνεται από τις πρώτες στιγμές της απώλειας. Η κανονικότητα αυτή ακολουθείται σταδιακά και από τους πενθούντες γονείς.

Η πλειοψηφία του κόσμου δεν ξέρει πως πρέπει να συμπεριφερθεί απέναντι σε έναν γονέα που έχει χάσει το παιδί του. Πολύ σημαντική είναι η ψυχολογική υποστήριξη που δίδεται από το σχολείο, τον παιδικό σταθμό και τους δασκάλους.

Στα σχολεία πρέπει να γίνει μεγαλύτερη δουλειά, καταλήγει η Χαρά Παπαντώνη, που περιγράφει με χαρακτηριστικό τρόπο την αμηχανία που εκδηλώνει ο περίγυρος απέναντι στον γονέα που έχει χάσει το παιδί του.

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Ο θάνατος του παιδιού

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Δύο πραγματικά πολύ ενδιαφέρουσες και ιδιαίτερα ευαίσθητες ομιλίες και ταυτόχρονα μαρτυρίες για τον θάνατο του παιδιού πραγματοποιήθηκαν στην διαδικτυακή διημερίδα "Βήματα Ασθενών" του iatronet.gr και της ΑΜΚΕ "Μαθήματα Ζωής" που έγινε διαδικτυακά στις 11-12/3/2022 με γενικό τίτλο "Αόρατα πένθη - πένθη Ταμπού".

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Η απώλεια ενός παιδιού είναι το πιο μοναχικό & έρημο ταξίδι. | Psychologos-MariaKoraka.Gr

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Η Ψυχοθεραπεύτρια Μαρία Κορακά διατηρεί το γραφείο της στην Πάτρα αναλαμβάνοντας καθημερινά ζητήματα που απασχολούν τη θεραπεία οικογένειας

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When someone close dies at an older age, people often take comfort not only in celebrating their life, but also in knowing that death is part of the natural process of living. This experience is not the same when you are faced with the sudden death of your child.

For parents who have lost a child, it makes no sense for life to end at such a young age-particularly when the death is sudden and without warning. The loss cuts so deep, it can be suffocating. If you are dealing with this type of loss in your family, here are some ways to help you and your family cope.

Stick Together

Stick together as a family and lean on each other for help. While everyone in the family will need to have their private time, you also can find comfort in each other. Being together can help you remember that you are not alone in your grief. Use the strength of your family's sense of belonging to help you manage your sorrow. Be there to consistently support one another.

In a commonly-cited study on the topic, the non-profit support group Compassionate Friends conducted an extensive study of parental response to their partner after the death of child. They found that 72% of couples stayed together after their child passed away, 16% of respondents were widowed, and only 12% of couples got divorced. Some couples express they actually feel closer to their partner after experiencing the same life-changing event together.

Seek Professional Help

However, since everyone grieves differently, facing the loss of a child can certainly put strain on a marriage and on each parent's relationship with surviving children. Seek professional help when coming to terms with your loss. Don't try to get through this situation on your own. Family counseling can give you and your family the skills you need to get through the tremendously difficult loss.

If death is sudden, grief is not necessarily greater than it would have been with an anticipated death. But it may be harder to cope with because it is so disruptive, according to Therese Rando, a psychologist and the clinical director of The Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss.

For this reason, it is important to find a professional who can help you find workable coping solutions. These strategies will help you manage the days, weeks, and months ahead. Meanwhile, your other children may also benefit from grief counseling to learn to manage their feelings.

Accept Help

Be open and willing to accept help from extended family members, friends, or neighbors. Allow them to help you with meals, watching your other children, helping around the house, running errands, and most importantly, being there to listen when you need to talk.

Also, allow others to do day-to-day tasks like your laundry or grocery shopping. Don't try to do everything on your own or without help. Give yourself the break you need. And, if people have said things like "let me know how I can help," take them up on their offer. Ask for their help when you need it. Those around you have the desire to help, but they may not know how.

Prepare for "After the Casseroles Are Done"

There are two distinct time periods after a loss that can help you understand the grieving process. The first is immediately following the death, when extended family, friends, and community gather.

It is the time period when you are dealing with funerals and memorial services and there is lots of activity. The second is "after the casseroles are done," which describes the time when all of the food that was given to the family by neighbors and friends is gone. Everyone else gets back to life as they know it and the grieving family begins to face life without the one they lost.

Most people assume that dealing with a loss of a child immediately following the death is the most heart-rending nightmare. What they do not realize is that the heart-rending nightmare continues. The family has to continue to cope with their nightmare long after the casseroles are done. They are facing the rest of their lives without the child they lost. This new reality is by far one of the most trying.

Although it is tempting to just shut down, it is important to keep the lines of communication open and spend quality time together. Talking to each other about your loss, the loved one who has died, and what you are feeling will help everyone in your family process their grief. It also will help your family's bonds remain strong or grow stronger. Remember, knowing that their family is still strong can help your other children successfully navigate their grieving process, as well.

Continue Seeing a Professional

While getting help to see you through the initial shock of your loss is very important, it is also imperative to continue seeking help. You will need support for any unforeseen issues that the loss may cause, especially as you move through the stages of grief.

Issues may crop up like a sibling's grades dropping, teen depression, or a family member no longer wanting to live without the loved one who died. It is much easier to get help in these situations when you are already seeing a professional who knows you and what your family is going through. Then, when problems arise, you have a person who can help you process what is happening and work through it.

Find a Support Group

Many parents find that it helps to join a support group, either as a family or alone. While it doesn't take the place of seeing a dedicated professional, groups can add another layer of support. Not only does it offer the opportunity to connect with people who are experiencing the same thing you are, but healthy support groups often provide a safe place to share what you are thinking and feeling with people who "get it."

As much as your friends want to empathize and be there for you, there are just some elements about losing a child that they just may not comprehend. For this reason, support groups can be vital to the healing process.

Pay Attention to Your Health

More often than not, parents and their children are so overcome with grief over the sudden loss of a loved one, that they neglect their own health. They may forget to eat, stop exercising, and rely on fast food because they just don't have the energy to cook. They also might neglect regular doctor visits and checkups, too.

While it is important to make an effort to eat healthy and get some exercise, do not beat yourself up for not going to the gym or cooking elaborate meals. Take baby steps to get back on track. For instance, set a goal of taking a short walk through the neighborhood each day and eating a piece of fruit with your meals.

As you start feeling better, you can incorporate more healthy lifestyle changes and routines back into your life. Most people find that when they feel better physically, they also start to feel better mentally.

Avoid Negative People

There are plenty of people out there that just do not know how to respond with compassion and empathy to what you and your family are experiencing. They may say insensitive things; or, they may put unrealistic expectations on you. They may say things like "you should be over this by now" or "at least you have another child." None of these things are healthy for you or your family.

Grief is a process. There is never a point where you are suddenly "over it." You will get to a point where you can smile and laugh again. But, that doesn't mean that you are over the fact that you lost a child.

Losing a child suddenly changes you; and if there are toxic friends in your life who cannot respect your feelings and treat you with kindness, you need to weed them out. You do not need more pain and sadness in your life. Surround yourself with people who are supportive and caring. Doing so will make the grieving process much more bearable.

Get Everyone Back Into Routines

Routines provide a sense of comfort and security, especially for children. As a result, it is important to incorporate your routines back into your life as soon as you can. This effort can include the daily routines of getting ready for school and work, having dinner together, or participating in family nights. It also includes being active with hobbies and interests you had prior to your loved one's death.

If kids are on a sports team, they should go back to practice. They also need to go back to school and get into a routine of studying. Meanwhile, if one of your family routines needs to be changed because your loved one is no longer there, acknowledge it. Getting back into a routine doesn't mean that you have to pretend like things are the same.

Use Creative Outlets

Get everyone a journal or sketch pad and suggest that they use it when they are feeling down. It often helps to express grief through journaling, drawing, or painting. Another option is to create a playlist in memory of your child, write a poem, or create a song-anything that provides a creative outlet for your grief. Creative outlets can help you make sense of your feelings. Make sure you are providing plenty of opportunities for you and your family members to express grief and heal.

Stay a Family

Be a family, and remember that your lost child is still a part of it. Everyone in your family will carry the lost child in their hearts for the rest of their lives. Create a family tradition that will help you remember the good memories you had together. For example, you could enter a community walk or a run in memory of your child, or start an event of your own.

Other grieving parents have performed random acts of kindness in memory of their child, donated to a cause close to their child's heart, developed a scholarship fund in their child's name, or planted a tree or shrub in their memory. Be creative and do something that makes sense for your family.

A Word From Verywell

The grief that accompanies losing a child suddenly is unlike anything you will ever experience. It shocks your system. And while coping with the loss will not be easy, if you make a concerted effort to stick together as a family and take care of yourselves, you will make it through.

The important thing is that you rely on one another, communicate regularly even when it is uncomfortable, and continue to see a professional who can help you process your emotions and find workable solutions for continuing your life.

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9 Tips for Coping With the Sudden Death of Your Child

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When someone close dies at an older age, people often take comfort not only in celebrating their life, but also in knowing that death is part of the natural process of living. This experience is not the same when you are faced with the sudden death of your child.

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Grieving the Death of a Child is often referred to as the ultimate tragedy.

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Grieving the Death of a Child is often referred to as the ultimate tragedy. Here you will find ways to cope and suggestions on how to move forward.

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Κυριακή Χαριτάκη

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Όταν το παιδί πεθαίνει, παραμένουμε οικογένεια; | Singleparent.gr

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Μονογονεϊκή και ”διαφορετική” οικογένεια, στην Ελλάδα!

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No parent is prepared for a child’s death. Parents are simply not supposed to outlive their children. It is important to remember that how long your child lived does not determine the size of your loss. The loss of a child is profound at every age.Parents of young children are intimately involved in…

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Καλή χρονιά με υγεία και τύχη σε όλους μας!

Σας ευχαριστούμε για την αγάπη και την στήριξη σας. Ο Φίλιππος μοιράζει την δύναμη του.. Σας γράφω σήμερα για κάποια σημαντικά πράγματα που θα πρέπει αυτοί που στηρίζουν ένα ζευγάρι που θρηνεί το χαμό του παιδιού τους ή έστω όταν τους συναντήσουν τυχαία στο δρόμο και δεν είναι προετοιμασμένοι, τι να ΜΗΝ τους πουν για να μην τους επιβαρύνουν επιπλέον. Έχω αναφερθεί ξανά σε αυτό το θέμα, η θέση που παίζει το κοινωνικό περιβάλλον και οι φίλοι, σε αυτό το δραματικό γεγονός στην ζωή δύο ανθρώπων είναι ιδιαίτερα σημαντικός. Το πένθος είναι μια προσωπική υπόθεση για τον καθένα, κανείς δεν είναι σε θέση να καταλάβει τι περνάνε οι γονείς που πενθούν παρά μόνο εκείνοι που το έχουν βιώσει. Οι άνθρωποι που δεν έχουν ζήσει αυτήν την τραγική απώλεια, συνήθως θα προσπαθούν να απομακρύνουν τους γονείς από τον πόνο, νομίζοντας ότι έτσι τους βοηθούν. Το αποτέλεσμα όμως είναι αντίθετο γιατί το πένθος είναι μια υγιής και μακρόχρονια ψυχική διαδικασία στην οποία ο καθένας μας έχει τον δικό του χρόνο. Η αγαπημένη μας ψυχολόγος η Όλγα, μας έμαθε πως μέσα από την επεξεργασία, την αφήγηση και την συχνή αναβίωση του τραυματικού γεγονότος του θάνατου του παιδιού, ο θρήνος εξελίσσεται, προοδευτικά αποδέχεσαι την απώλεια και προσαρμόζεσαι στις νέες συνθήκες ζωής. Η αγάπη και ο δεσμός με το παιδί δεν χάνεται, Δεν πεθαίνει. Τον κουβαλάς κάθε μέρα μέσα σου.

ΚΑΛΥΤΕΡΑ ΠΟΥ ΠΕΘΑΝΕ ΑΠΟ ΤΟ ΝΑ ΒΑΣΑΝΙΖΕΤΑΙ ΚΑΙ ΝΑ ΚΑΤΑΛΗΞΕΙ ΝΑ ΖΕΙ ΜΕ ΚΑΠΟΙΑ ΑΝΑΠΗΡΙΑ. Είναι αδιανόητο όταν κάποιοι θεωρούν πως ο Θάνατος μπορεί να δώσει την λύση. Σε κάποιες περιπτώσεις όταν τα πάντα έχουν εξαντληθεί είναι η λύτρωση για εκείνον που υποφέρει, αλλά όταν αρρωσταίνει το παιδί σου κάνεις τα πάντα για να τον βοηθήσεις, έχεις την δύναμη ν' ανέβεις τα πιο ψηλά βουνά, δίνεις την ζωή σου στο λεπτό με μοναδικό σου σκοπό να τον ανακουφίσεις, να προσπαθήσεις να του βρεις την καλύτερη θεραπεία, ΝΑ ΤΟΥ ΣΩΣΕΙΣ ΤΗΝ ΖΩΗ. Έχει μόνο εσένα. Ο θάνατος δεν είναι ποτέ η απάντηση όταν δυσκολεύουν τα πράγματα. Όταν αρρωσταίνει το παιδί, εσύ βλέπεις το παιδί σου, όχι την ασθένεια, όχι την αναπηρία, όχι τα ποσοστά επιβίωσης το ΠΑΙΔΙ ΣΟΥ, θα κάνεις τα πάντα για να του δώσεις την ζωή που του αξίζει, να τον κάνεις ευτιχισμένο απλά δίνοντας του το αυτονόητο, την φροντίδα,την στοργή και την ΑΓΑΠΗ ΔΙΧΩΣ ΟΡΙΑ.. Δεν τον εγκαταλείπεις ποτέ! Τον αγαπούν όλα τα κύτταρα σου! Όσο είναι ζωντανός παλεύεις.. όσο παλεύει εκείνος παλεύεις και εσύ μαζί του. Η ζωή του έχει αξία. Επειδή είναι μικρότερος σε μέγεθος δεν σημαίνει ότι είναι λιγότερο σημαντικός από εσένα, επειδή είναι βρέφος και ίσως δεν θυμάται, δεν σημαίνει ότι δεν καταλαβαίνει ότι δεν νοιώθει ότι δεν χρειάζεται απεγνωσμένα την αγάπη σου! Επειδή δεν ξέρει να μιλάει και δεν μπορεί να υπερασπιστεί τον εαυτό του λόγω ηλικίας δεν δηλώνει πως προτιμάει να πεθάνει από το να αγωνιστεί για την ζωή του!Υποφέρεις και εσύ κάθε φορά που οι βελόνες τον τρυπούν, εκατοντάδες τρυπούν και εσένα, αλλά ο στόχος είναι να ζήσει, να γίνει καλά και όλα σκέφτεσαι με τον καιρό θα ξεπεραστούν, αφού βγει νικητής. Με τις παθήσεις και τις όποιες αναπηρίες προσαρμόζεσαι, βρίσκεις τρόπους για να του προσφέρεις την καλύτερη ποιότητα ζωής, η επιστήμη κάνει θαύματα και δίνει λύσεις σε ανθρώπους που άλλοτε ήταν καταδικασμένοι να ζουν απομονωμένοι, ανήμποροι λόγω του προβλήματος τους να ενταχτούν στο σύνολο, μια δυνατή ψυχή με την κατάλληλη στήριξη βρίσκει πάντα τον δρόμο. Τα παιδιά χρειάζονται την αγάπη των γονιών τους. Όσο είναι ζωντανός ελπίζεις. Αναρωτιέμαι όλοι εκείνοι που δεν αντέχουν καν να βλέπουν την σωματική ταλαιπωρία ενός άρρωστου παιδιού.. πως θα καταφέρουν να επιβιώσουν με τον Θάνατο του; Αν δεν υπομένουν στην ασθένεια πως θα αντιμετωπίσουν μια ζωή χωρίς το παιδί;

Πηγές: "Μαρτυρίες πενθούντων γονιών, Ενημερωτικό φυλλάδιο Μέριμνας - Στηρίζοντας την οικογένεια που Θρηνεί".

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γονείς που πενθούν

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πενθούντες γονείς

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θάνατος μωρού

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θάνατος βρέφους

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υποστήριξη γονέων

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υποστήριξη γονιών

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συμπαράσταση γονέων

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Ο Φίλιππος - ΤΙ να ΜΗΝ ΠΕΙΣ στον γονιό που πενθεί

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Οι άνθρωποι που δεν έχουν ζήσει αυτήν την τραγική απώλεια, συνήθως θα προσπαθούν να απομακρύνουν τους γονείς από τον πόνο, νομίζοντας ότι έτσι τους βοηθούν. Το αποτέλεσμα όμως είναι αντίθετο γιατί το πένθος είναι μια υγιής και μακρόχρονια ψυχική διαδικασία στην οποία ο καθένας μας έχει τον δικό του χρόνο.

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Η απόλυτη ψυχική καταρράκωση που προκαλεί ο θάνατος του παιδιού σου μπορεί να γίνει κατανοητή μόνο από εκείνους που την έχουν υποστεί. Τέσσερα χρόνια μετά, ακόμα κοιτάζω τον τάφο της κόρης μου με δυσπιστία.

Η επίσκεψη στον τάφο του παιδιού μου είναι μια κατάσταση πέρα απ την πραγματικότητα.

Είναι σαν να βρίσκομαι έξω από το σώμα μου και να παρακολουθώ κάποιον που δε γνωρίζω, να στέκεται εκεί αφήνοντας στο χώμα λουλούδια.

Είναι αυτή η δική μου ζωή;

Μόνο ένας γονιός μπορεί να κατανοήσει τον ισχυρό δεσμό που αναπτύσσει κανείς με το παιδί του. Αυτή η απόλυτη αθάνατη αγάπη που έχεις και αυτή η μνημειώδης επιθυμία που βρυχάται μέσα σου σαν μια πυρκαγιά να προστατέψεις αυτό το παιδί με κάθε κόστος.

Λέγεται απ' όλους ότι ένας γονιός θα έδινε τη ζωή του για το παιδί του, αλλά η δύναμη αυτού του συναισθήματος γίνεται κατανοητή μόνο όταν κάποιος φτάνει να ζει, ενώ το παιδί του όχι.

Το να είσαι γονιός σημαίνει η καρδιά σου να είναι το πανωφόρι σου. Αν έχετε ποτέ φανταστεί πως μπορεί να νιώσει κανείς χάνοντας το παιδί του, πολλαπλασιάστε το επί ένα τρισεκατομμύριο και φοβάμαι πως ούτε και τότε θα καταφέρετε να πλησιάσετε το συναίσθημα.

Σε πρώτο επίπεδο φαίνεται πως η κοινωνία αποδέχεται αυτήν την αφόρητη θλίψη και πως οι άνθρωποι είναι υποστηρικτικοί και δεκτικοί στο να μιλήσουν γι' αυτό.

Παρόλ' αυτά, στη δική μου περίπτωση, μ' έχει εκπλήξει από τη μια η αυθεντική καλοσύνη και συμπάθεια κάποιων ανθρώπων, κι απ' την άλλη έχω συχνά σοκαριστεί και απογοητευθεί από την παντελή έλλειψή τους,.

Είναι απαραίτητο για τους πενθούντες γονείς να τους δίνεται η δυνατότητα να μιλούν και κυρίως να μπορούν να μιλούν ανοιχτά για τα συναισθήματά τους

Αυτά είναι τα 10 πράγματα που πρέπει να γνωρίζουν όλοι για την απώλεια ενός παιδιού

Θέλω ν' αναφέρω, για όλους τους άλλους γονείς εκεί έξω που αισθάνονται πως δεν έχουν από κάπου να πιαστούν, δέκα πράγματα που θα ήθελα όλοι να γνωρίζουν για την απώλεια ενός παιδιού. Ίσως ένα από αυτά ν' αλλάξει κάτι στη ζωή ενός πενθούντα γονιού.

1. Τέσσερα χρόνια μετά σηκώνομαι κάθε πρωί με ακριβώς την ίδια θλίψη που είχα τη μέρα που πέθανε η κόρη μου Ella

Η μόνη διαφορά πια είναι πως είμαι πολύ πιο εκπαιδευμένη να την κρύβω και έχω πια εξοικιωθεί με τον πόνο μου. Το σοκ έχει κάπως πια μετριαστεί, αλλά ακόμα και τώρα πιάνω συχνά τον ευατό μου να σκέφτεται πως "αυτό δεν μπορεί να συνέβη", πως συνέβη σε κάποιον άλλον. Κι ενώ στην αρχή με ρωτούσαν όλοι πως νιώθω, κάποια στιγμή το ενδιαφέρον έπαψε. Πώς καταλάβατε, ποια πληροφορία είχατε για την κατάλληλη στιγμή, τη μέρα, την εβδομάδα, το μήνα που θεωρήσατε πια καλό να σταματήσετε να με ρωτάτε;

2. Σας παρακαλώ σταματήστε να μου λέτε πως απλά θέλετε να με ξαναδείτε χαρούμενη

Κανένας σας δεν το θέλει αυτό περισσότερο από εμένα, αλλά είναι κάτι που μπορεί ν' επιτευχθεί μόνο με την πάροδο του χρόνου και το κυριώτερο πρέπει να εφεύρω μια νέου τύπου "ευτυχία".

Η ευτυχία που κάποτε ένιωθα, αυτή η αίσθηση ξεγνοιασιάς, ποτέ δε θα επιστρέψει ακέραιη. Επιπλέον σ' αυτή την κατεύθυνση θα βοηθούσε πολύ η υπομονή και κατανόηση των κοντινών μου ανθρώπων.

3. Σας παρακαλώ μη μου λέτε "Θέλω να σε ξαναδώ όπως ήσουν παλιά"

Ή ακόμα και σαν να μου φαίνεται ότι σήμερα πλησιάζεις τον παλιό σου εαυτό. Αυτό που βλέπετε είναι αυτό που είμαι τώρα. Αν μόνο μπορούσατε να καταλάβετε τη φρίκη που έχω υποφέρει θα καταλαβαίνατε πως μου είναι αδύνατο να ξαναγίνω ποτέ ο άνθρωπος που κάποτε γνωρίσατε.

Μου έχουν πει ακόμα πως τα μάτια μου μοιάζουν στοιχειωμένα. Είναι περίεργο να το πεις αυτό σε μια μητέρα που έχει χάσει το παιδί της, αλλά είναι αλήθεια - είμαι στ' αλήθεια στοιχειωμένη.

Η γνώμη μου για τον κόσμο έχει πια αλλάξει, πράγματα και καταστάσεις που για μένα κάποτε ήταν σημαντικά τώρα πια δεν είναι και το αντίστροφο. Επιπλέον όταν μου λέτε την παραπάνω φράση, νιώθω πως υπονοείτε κι άλλα δυο πράγματα.

Πρώτον ότι δε σας αρέσει αυτό που βλέπετε, αυτό που είμαι τώρα και δεύτερον πώς αν δεν ξαναβρώ τον παλιό μου εαυτό, θα φύγετε απ' τη ζωή μου. Όπως και να 'ναι να ξέρετε σε κανέναν δε λείπει περισσότερο ο παλιός μου "εαυτός" από εμένα την ίδια. Αυτή τη στιγμή πενθώ δυο θανάτους: πρώτον της κόρης μου και δεύτερον του παλιού μου εαυτού.

4. Αν επιλέξετε να θυμηθείτε τα γενέθλια της κόρης μου ή την ημέρα θανάτου της την πρώτη χρονιά, είναι απίστευτα εκνευριστικό αν δεν το ξαναθυμηθείτε τις επόμενες χρονιές

Νομίζετε ότι οποιαδήποτε επόμενα γενέθλια ή μαύρη επέτειος δεν είναι το ίδιο λυπηρή για εμένα; Επίσης μου τονίζει σαν μια τεράστια πινακίδα νέον με φωτεινά γράμματα πως εσείς έχετε προχωρήσει στη ζωή σας κι έχετε ξεχάσει την κόρη μου.

5. Σας παρακαλώ σταματήστε να μου λέτε πόσο τυχερή είμαι που έχω κι άλλα παιδιά και ιδιαίτερα μια ακόμα κόρη

Εγώ σας λέω κάτι τέτοιο; Εσείς γιατί το λέτε σε μένα; έχω θάψει μια κόρη, πώς μπορείτε να με θεωρείτε κατ' οιονδήποτε τρόπο τυχερή;

6. Δεν είναι υγιές να κλαίει κανείς μπροστά σ' ένα παιδί;

Κάνετε λάθος. Είναι απολύτως υγιές να με βλέπουν να κλαίω, αφού είμαι θλιμμένη για το θάνατο της αδερφής τους. Όταν κάποιος πεθαίνει είναι απολύτως φυσιολογικό να κλαίμε.

Αυτό που δε θα ήταν φυσιολογικό θα ήταν να μεγαλώσουν τα παιδιά μου σκεπτώμενα "δεν έχω δει ποτέ τη μαμά μου να κλαίει για το θάνατο της αδερφής μας".

Κάτι τέτοια θα περνούσε το μήνυμα πως είναι υγιές να κρύβεις τα συναισθήματά σου, ενώ προφανώς και δεν είναι.

7. Έχω ακόμα τέσσερα παιδιά, όχι τρία

Εάν εσείς θέλετε να αγνοείτε την τρίτη μου κόρη Ella που πέθανε, κάντε το, αλλά εγώ δε θα το κάνω. Έχω ακόμα τέσσερα παιδιά.

8. Υπάρχουν ακόμα κάποιες μέρες -τέσσερα χρόνια μετά- που εξακολουθώ να έχω ανάγκη να κρυφτώ από τον κόσμο και να σταματήσω για λίγο να υποκρίνομαι πως όλα γύρω μου είναι υπέροχα και πως νιώθω καλύτερα

Σας παρακαλώ μη νομίζετε ότι παραιτήθηκα ή ακόμα χειρότερα μην είστε τόσο ανόητοι ώστε να σκέφτεστε τι στο καλό μου συμβαίνει. Φυσικά και ξέρω πως έχω έναν υπέροχο σύντροφο και πως τα παιδιά μου είναι εξαιρετικά και πως έχω ένα όμορφο σπίτι, αλλά ακόμα πενθώ.

Πιστέψτε με είναι πνευματικά εξοντωτικό να μεγαλώνεις τρία παιδιά και ταυτόχρονα να προσπαθείς να κρατήσεις έναν ισχυρό δεσμό με το σύντροφό σου. Και μάλλον εν αγνοία σας δεν έχω να διαχειριστώ μόνο τη δική μου θλίψη και πένθος, αλλά επίσης και με του συντρόφου μου και των άλλων μου παιδιών.

Θα ήταν προτιμότερο απλά να με συγχαίρατε για την οικογένειά μου, καθώς χρειάζεται αρκετή προσπάθεια δεδομένων των συνθηκών να κρατηθεί ενωμένη, σταθερή και ευτυχισμένη.

9. Νομίζετε πως δεν το πρόσεξα

Προς όλους τους γνωστούς, φίλους και συγγενείς που βρήκαν το όλο θέμα "θάνατος" καθώς και την αντιμετώπιση με τη θλίψη μου σκλήρό γεγονός και κράτησαν κάποιες συγκεντρώσεις στις οποίες παλιότερα ήμασταν καλεσμένοι κρυφές ή απλά σταμάτησαν να μας καλούν σπίτι τους, πράγμα που οδήγησε στο να χάσουμε τις επαφές μας, θέλω να τους πω ότι άσχετα με τ' ότι νομίζουν δεν διέφυγε της προσοχής μας.

Το πρόσεξα, αλλά ο λόγος που ποτέ δεν είπα κάτι είναι γιατί απλά δε θέλω να σπαταλώ τα λόγια μου με τέτοιες ανθρώπινες συμπεριφορές. Αν είμαι για κάτι ευχαριστημένη όμως, είναι για τ' ότι δε χρειάζεται πια να σπαταλώ το χρόνο μου με ανθρώπους τόσο επιφανειακούς και σκληρούς.

Δε χρειάζετε να φοβάστε. Εξακολουθώ να είμαι ο άνθρωπος που θα τρέξει δίπλα σας αν κάτι παρόμοιο σας συμβεί. Ίσως κάτι τέτοιο σας δώσει μια ένδειξη του πόσο φρικτό είναι.

10. Το πένθος για το παιδί σου διαρκεί για πάντα

Αν αναρωτιέστε πόσο καιρό ακόμα ο φίλος ή συγγενής σας θα πενθεί, η απάντηση είναι για πάντα. Μην τους βιάζετε να το ξεπεράσουν, μην ευτελίζετε τη θλίψη τους, μην τους κάνετε να αισθάνονται ενοχές για τη θλίψη τους όταν σας μιλούν, απλά ανοίξτε τ' αυτιά σας κι ακούστε, ακούστε απλά αυτά που έχουν να πουν.

Ίσως να μάθετε κάτι απ' αυτούς. Μην γίνεστε σκληροί εγκαταλείποντάς τους, σκεφτείτε αυτούς κι όχι τον εαυτό σας. Συχνά έχω πληγωθεί από φίλους που αγαπούσα και που πίστευα πως πάντα θα είναι στο πλάι μου με εγκατέλειψαν.

Σταμάτησαν να με παίρνουν τηλέφωνο, να μου στέλνουν μηνύματα, να σχολιάζουν στη σελίδα μου στο facebook, καθώς και να μου λένε κάθε φορά που βρισκόμασταν τυχαία το ίδιο πράγμα: "συγγνώμη, γλυκειά μου, τρέχω και δε φτάνω", "να βρεθούμε καμιά μέρα!" ή "μου έλειψες". Η λίστα με παρόμοια σχόλια μπορεί να συνεχιστεί για πολύ ακόμα. Όμως εγώ δεν είμαι ο άνθρωπος που θα κυνηγήσει μια σχέση, που είναι ξεκάθαρο πως ο άλλος δεν θέλει. Ο καθένας από εμάς έχει μια συνείδηση κι ευτυχώς εγώ δε χρειάζεται να ζω με τη συνείδηση κάποιων ανθρώπων.

Είναι μετρημένες στα δάχτυλα του ενός χεριού οι φορές που κάποιος με ρώτησε "πως τ' αντιμετωπίζουν τ' άλλα παιδιά;"

Συχνά θ' ακούσετε ανατριχιαστικές λεπτομέρειες γύρω από τις συνθήκες θανάτου ενός παιδιού στα ΜΜΕ, αλλά η κουβέντα σταματά εκεί. Τόσα πολλά θα μπορούσαν να γραφτούν και να ειπωθούν ανοιχτά γύρω απ' αυτό το ζήτημα. Είναι όμως απογοητευτικό, όχι μόνο για μένα, αλλά για όλους τους πενθούντες γονείς, ότι αυτό το θέμα αντιμετωπίζεται κυρίως με φόβο και σιωπή.

Καταλήγω πως οι άνθρωποι αισθάνονται άβολα με τέτοιες συζητήσεις και πραγματικά δεν καταλαβαίνω γιατί.

Ίσως είναι τοσο τρομακτικό γεγονός που οι άνθρωποι δε θέλουν να ξέρουν, ούτε ν' ακούν τίποτα γι' αυτό. Ίσως φοβούνται ότι γνωρίζοντας πιο πολλά ίσως αποκτήσουν εμμονές με το θάνατο των δικών τους παιδιών και οι γονείς ήδη φοβούνται κι ανησυχούν αρκετά για τα παιδιά τους.

Τι τους χρειάζεται άραγε μια επιπρόσθετη ανησυχία για το θάνατο ενός άλλου παιδιού;

Αναμφισβήτητα, ο ξαφνικός κι απρόσμενος θάνατος της κόρης μου Ella, ήταν το χειρότερο πράγμα που μου συνέβη στα 37 χρόνια ζωής μου. Αμφιβάλλω πως κάτι άλλο στο μέλλον μπορεί να συγκριθεί μ' αυτό. Στην πραγματικότητα, παρακαλώ και προσεύχομαι καθημερινά, τίποτε άλλο τόσο συγκλονιστικό να μη μου συμβεί, αλλά η αλήθεια είναι πως κανείς δε μπορεί να μου το εγγυηθεί ούτε αυτό.

Έχω αδειάσει - δεν έχω διαλυθεί- έχω απλά αδειάσει συναισθηματικά. Ξέρω πως όλη η ενέργεια που σπατάλησα τα τελευταία τέσσερα χρόνια δεν αναλώθηκε στο πένθος για την Ella. Ήταν κυρίως στην προσπάθεια να καταφέρω τους φίλους και τους συγγενείς να μπουν στη θέση μου, να με καταλάβουν. Κι αυτό με θυμώνει. Ενώ έπρεπε να πενθώ, εγώ σπαταλούσα το χρόνο μου υπερασπίζοντας τον εαυτό μου.

Πιθανότατα το γεγονός αυτό να με θυμώνει τόσο πολύ όσο κι ο θάνατος της κόρης μου. Πολύ θα 'θελα να μην είμαι θυμωμένη.

Ένας Θεός ξέρει πως σίγουρα δε μου χρειάζεται κανένα άλλο συναίσθημα, όμως δεν ξέρω πως να νικήσω το θυμό μου, ειδικά με κάποια από τα σχόλια ή τα λεγόμενα κάποιων ανθρώπων. Προσπαθώ να μιλήσω και να εξηγήσω, αλλά σπανίως ακούγομαι.

Πάντως αν μάθαινα πως κάποιος φίλος ή συγγενής μου ή ακόμα χειρότερα το παιδί τους, είχε διαγνωστεί με μια ασθένεια, αμέσως θα ανέτρεχα στο διαδίκτυο αναζητώντας πληροφορίες γι' αυτή και πιθανούς τρόπους με τους οποίους θα μπορούσα να βοηθήσω. Γιατί λοιπόν να μην ισχύει το ίδιο και με το θάνατο ενός παιδιού;

Ίσως γιατί οι περισσότεροι άνθρωποι νομίζουν πως ξέρουν ήδη. Κι αυτό το βρίσκω εξοργιστικό. Ο θάνατος του δικού σου παιδιού είναι το χειρότερο πράγμα που μπορεί να συμβεί σ' έναν άνθρωπο κι όμως οι περισσότεροι νιώθουν αρκετά ικανοί να συμβουλεύουν, να κρίνουν και να σκορπίζουν από δω κι από κει τα δήθεν σοφά τους λόγια, ενώ ουσιαστικά δε γνωρίζουν τίποτα για το θέμα.

Ξεπέρασέ το, συχνά μας λένε. Μμμμ, να δω πώς θα το ξεπερνούσες εσύ αν ήσουν στη θέση μου!

Οι περισσότεροι άνθρωποι δε φαντάζονται καν πως τη στιγμή που γνωρίζω καποιον νέο άνθρωπο, αυτόματα νιώθω άβολα και τρομοκρατούμαι. Ξέρω πως μια απ' τις πρώτες ερωτήσεις πιάνοντας κουβέντα θα είναι για την οικογένειά μου και το πόσα παιδιά έχω. Πολύ θα ήθελα να μη χρειάζεται ν' απαντήσω την ερώτηση αυτή. Η ζωή μου θα ήταν πολύ πιο εύκολη έτσι. Κι όμως έχω ένα ακόμα παιδί.

Τ' όνομά της είναι Ella. Tώρα θα ήταν τεσσάρων χρονών, αλλά πέθανε όταν ήταν μόλις 19 ημερών.

Δε χάθηκε- ξέρω πολύ καλά που βρίσκεται και τι της συνέβη- πέθανε. Η Ella είναι το άλλο μου παιδί και δικαιούται ν' αναφερόμαστε σ' αυτή τόσο όσο και τα άλλα μου παιδιά. Έχω πει ψέματα στο παρελθόν λέγοντας πως έχω τρία παιδιά, αλλά μετά με πνίγουν οι ενοχές και θεωρώ πως δεν αξίζει τον κόπο. Για μέρες άκουγα την Ella να μου λέει "δε με υπολογίζεις πια εμένα, μαμά;" "Γιατί ντράπηκες να μιλήσεις για μένα;"

Όσο λοιπόν κι αν μου είναι δύσκολο να πω σε κάποιον που γνωρίζω ελάχιστα πως έχω και μια νεκρή κόρη, οι ενοχές του να μην την αναφέρω είναι χειρότερες. Δεν έχω τρία παιδιά, έχω τέσσερα και η κόρη μου δεν είναι μοναχοκόρη, αφού έχω κι άλλη μια. Κι όταν το αναφέρω, νιώθω πως πρέπει να κλείσω τα μάτια μου, να προστατέψω τη ραγισμένη μου καρδιά και να ελπίσω πως δε θα μου μπήξουν το μαχαίρι πιο βαθειά στην πληγή.

Αν κάποιος μπορούσε να μου απαντήσει στο ερώτημα γιατί οι άνθρωποι δίνουν τόσο πολλές συμβουλές σ' ένα ζήτημα στο οποίο γνωρίζουν τόσο λίγα πράγματα, θα με βοηθούσε. Αυτό που μ' έχει συγκλονίσει τόσο πολύ μετά το θάνατο της Ella είναι η έλλειψη συναίσθησης στους ανθρώπους.

Η ικανότητα του να συναισθάνεσαι δεν είναι θέμα εξυπνάδας. Απλά προσπαθείς να βάλεις τον εαυτό σου στη θέση του άλλου, απλό δεν είναι; Κι όμως όχι! Μόνο σκεφτείτε πως θα θέλατε να σας συμπεριφερθούν οι άλλοι και εάν δε σας αρέσει μια συμπεριφορά μην την υιοθετείτε ούτε κι εσείς.

Δεν ξέρεις ποτέ τι σου επιφυλάσσει η ζωή - ίσως μια μέρα να είσαι εσύ στη θέση μου!

Ελπίζω το άρθρο αυτό με τις σκέψεις μου να βοηθήσει έστω κι έναν άνθρωπο να καταλάβει έστω σ' ένα βαθμό πως είναι η ζωή για ένα πενθούντα γονιό.

Samantha Hayward

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"Ο θάνατος του παιδιού σου είναι το χειρότερο πράγμα που μπορεί να συμβεί..": Η συγκινητική εξομολογηση μιας μαμάς

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SHARE Η απόλυτη ψυχική καταρράκωση που προκαλεί ο θάνατος του παιδιού σου μπορεί να γίνει κατανοητή μόνο από εκείνους που την έχουν υποστεί. Τέσσερα χρόνια μετά, ακόμα κοιτάζω τον τάφο της κόρης μου με δυσπιστία. Η επίσκεψη στον τάφο του παιδιού μου είναι μια κατάσταση πέρα απ την πραγματικότητα.

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Η λέξη "μάνα" είναι δύναμη, είναι ανιδιοτελής αγάπη, είναι φόβος, πόνος και δάκρυ. Είναι η γυναίκα που θα σου δώσει την ζωή και θα σε αγαπήσει περισσότερο από τον εαυτό της. Η μάνα όλα τα υπομένει, όλα τα αντέχει, αλλά όχι την απώλεια του παιδιού της...

Στα δάκρυα αυτά, δεν μπορεί να μην λυγίσει κανείς!

Βλέπεις μια γυναίκα να κλαίει, να πονάει και να θρηνεί και την ρωτάς: "γιατί κλαις;" και αυτή σου απαντάει: "έχασα το παιδί μου". Σε αυτήν την μητέρα τι θα πεις, μπορείς να την παρηγορήσεις; Υπάρχουν λόγια;

Ούτε στην σκέψη δεν μπορεί να το διανοηθεί κανείς, ούτε στον πιο σκληρό εφιάλτη. Όταν κλαίει μια γυναίκα που έχασε το παιδί της, κλαίει και ο θεός μαζί και ολόκληρη η πλάση. Να βλέπεις το παιδί σου νεκρό και εσύ να ζεις, είναι σαν να θέλει κάποιος να σε εκδικηθεί, να σε σκοτώνει καθημερινά και εσύ να είσαι ακόμη ζωντανή. Να πονάς και να μην υπάρχει φάρμακο, κάθε μέρα να τρέμει η ψυχή σου και να μην μπορείς να την βοηθήσεις!

Η μέρα ξημερώνει και η μάνα αργοπεθαίνει...

Αυτή η γυναίκα δεν ζει, παρά μόνο υπάρχει. Υπάρχει γιατί ίσως έχει κι άλλα παιδιά πίσω που την χρειάζονται. Ζει σαν ρομπότ, απλά κινείται γιατί πρέπει, περπατάει γιατί έτσι έχει συνηθίσει να κάνει. Σηκώνεται κάθε πρωί με δάκρυα στα μάτια. Πηγαίνει στο δωμάτιο του παιδιού της και είναι άδειο, αγκαλιάζει το μαξιλάρι του για να το νιώσει κοντά της, μα το παιδί της δεν είναι εκεί, είναι ψηλά. Λείπει το σπλάχνο της!

"Έφυγε" το παιδί της και η ζωή τελείωσε για αυτήν.

Κάθε μητέρα ζει με το όνειρο να μεγαλώσει το παιδί της, να το καμαρώσει, να περάσουν χρόνο μαζί, να το δει να κάνει την δική του οικογένεια και αυτή να το βοηθάει όσο μπορεί. Κάποιες γυναίκες όμως, δεν έχουν αυτήν την πολυτέλεια, δεν θα ζήσουν ποτέ αυτό το όνειρο..Είναι εκείνες οι μητέρες που δεν προλαβαίνουν να χορτάσουν το παιδί τους. Η ζωή παίζει για αυτές το χειρότερο παιχνίδι...

Καλύτερα να μην το γένναγε καθόλου, παρά να το δει νεκρό!

Είναι προτιμότερο να μην γίνεις μάνα καθόλου, παρά να γίνεις και μετά να δεις το παιδί σου να φεύγει. Να θες να το βοηθήσεις και να μην μπορείς. Να σου λένε οι γιατροί ότι έρχεται το τέλος του. Ποιο τέλος; Εκείνη την στιγμή τελειώνει όλη σου ζωή, εκείνη την ώρα θα ήθελες να μην είχες γεννηθεί ποτέ, να μην ήσουν γυναίκα, να μην γινόσουν μάνα. Μπορείς να φανταστείς ότι δεν θα ξανά δεις το παιδί σου; Ότι θα ανάβεις το καντήλι του παιδιού σου;

Καλύτερα να πεθάνεις και εσύ ένα λεπτό πριν πεθάνει αυτό!

Η απώλεια του παιδιού για την μάνα δεν ξεπερνιέται ποτέ, κάθε μέρα είναι μεγαλύτερο το κενό, κάθε δευτερόλεπτο η σκέψη της είναι στο παιδί της. Αυτή η απώλεια δεν συγκρίνεται με καμία άλλη!

Εύχομαι να μην αξιωθεί καμία μάνα να δει το παιδί της να "φεύγει"...

Σύνταξη & Επιμέλεια: Χαρά Παναγιωτακοπούλου

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Χαρά Παναγιωτακοπούλου

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Η μεγαλύτερη απώλεια είναι εκείνη της μάνας, όταν χάσει το παιδί της! - NancysBlog

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Η λέξη "μάνα" είναι δύναμη, είναι ανιδιοτελής αγάπη, είναι φόβος, πόνος και δάκρυ. Είναι η γυναίκα που θα σου δώσει την ζωή και θα σε αγαπήσει περισσότερο από τον εαυτό της. Η μάνα όλα τα υπομένει, όλα τα αντέχει, αλλά όχι την απώλεια του παιδιού της...

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Της Στεύης Τσούτση.

Το νιώθεις μέσα σου εννιά ολόκληρους μήνες. Είναι σάρκα από τη σάρκα σου, το ταΐζεις με το αίμα σου, με την ίδια σου την ψυχή.
Γεννιέται κι αλλάζει το κέντρο του σύμπαντός σου.
Είναι το παιδί σου και τίποτα άλλο δε φαντάζει πιο σημαντικό από αυτό.
Είναι η μεγάλη αγάπη της ζωής σου.
Το βλέπεις να μεγαλώνει. Το μεγαλώνεις.
Του μαθαίνεις όσα πρέπει να ξέρει για τη ζωή.
Το συνοδεύεις σε κάθε του βήμα, το καμαρώνεις σε κάθε του προσπάθεια. Επευφημείς τις επιτυχίες, παρηγορείς στις ήττες.
Το μαθαίνεις να είναι δυνατό, να μπορεί να στέκεται στον κόσμο, να είναι τίμιος και σωστός άνθρωπος.
Και γίνεται ένας όμορφος άνθρωπος.
Μάνα σε λες κι έκανες καλή δουλειά. Τον μεγάλωσες σωστά. Με αγάπη, με αρχές, με έννοια.
Και τον βλέπεις να τραβά το δρόμο του. Εσύ στα μετώπισθεν για ό,τι χρειαστεί. Του έδειξες τα φτερά του και τον έμαθες να πετάει Τώρα τον αφήνεις να το κάνει μόνος του.
Ευχαριστείς το Θεό για το δώρο του. Το παιδί σου είναι το μεγαλύτερο δώρο από όσα σου χαρίστηκαν ποτέ. Το λες ευτυχία.
Κι έρχεται μια μαύρη μέρα κι ο Θεός που στο έδωσε, στο ζητάει πίσω.
Το παιδί έφυγε...
Το καμάρι σου δεν είναι πια εδώ. Τώρα έχει πραγματικά φτερά και πετά στον ουρανό, μακριά σου. Ο Θεός το πήρε κοντά του, στο πήρε.
Τώρα ξέρεις πώς είναι ο μεγαλύτερος πόνος που μπορεί να νιώσει μια μάνα. Έλεγες πως πονάς όταν εκείνο είχε πυρετό, όταν χτυπούσε, όταν ήταν λυπημένο.
Όχι, δεν ήταν πόνος αυτός.
Δεν ήταν σχίσιμο στη μέση δίχως αναισθησία.
Πού πήγε, ρωτάς. Πέθανε, σου λένε. Και πότε θα γυρίσει, αναρωτιέσαι.
Γιατί δε γίνεται να πέθανε το παιδάκι σου. Δε γίνεται αυτό εκεί το σώμα που σου δείχνουν, χλωμό και παγωμένο, να είναι το ροδαλό, το χαμογελαστό παιδί σου.
Κι όμως.
Η καρδιά πάγωσε. Δεν έχεις δάκρυα να βγάλεις, δεν υπάρχουν δάκρυα. Το σώμα δεν υπακούει. Το μυαλό χάθηκε.
Το είχες και το έχασες. Κι είναι εκείνο το γιατί που θα σε βασανίζει πάντα.
Γιατί να φύγει. Γιατί να υπάρχουν τέτοιες αδικίες στο σύμπαν.
Μιλάς με το Θεό. Τον ρωτάς, τον κατηγορείς, τον μαλώνεις. Παραλογίζεσαι από τον πόνο σου, ζητάς τα δίκια σου.
Δε θα τα βρεις. Εκείνος ξέρει θα σου πουν.
Κι εσύ ξέρεις ότι δεν ήσουν έτοιμη για κάτι τέτοιο. Ποτέ μια μάνα δεν είναι έτοιμη να χάσει το παιδί της.
Ποτέ.
Αναρωτιέσαι αν περνάει ο πόνος. Ο χρόνος είναι γιατρός, σου λένε.
Κοιτάς με εκείνο το παγωμένο βλέμμα της απώλειας και δεν απαντάς στα λόγια της παρηγοριάς.
Γιατί δεν υπάρχει παρηγοριά για σένα. Ένα κομμάτι σου πέθανε, ό,τι κι αν λένε.
Έφυγε. Πέταξε. Δε θα γυρίσει.
Μόνο εσύ, κάποια μέρα, θα πας κοντά.
Και τότε θα σταματήσει ο πόνος.
Τότε θα αγκαλιάσεις πάλι το υπέροχό σου πλάσμα και θα πετάξετε παρέα.
Και κανείς δε θα σας χωρίσει πια.
Ως τότε, μάνα, κουράγιο...

διαφορετικό

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Καμία μάνα δεν πρέπει να χάνει το παιδί της.

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Της Στεύης Τσούτση. ΔΙΑΦΗΜΙΣΗ Το νιώθεις μέσα σου εννιά ολόκληρους μήνες. Είναι σάρκα από τη σάρκα σου, το ταΐζεις με το αίμα σου, με την ίδια σου την ψυχή. Γεννιέται κι αλλάζει το κέντρο του σύμπαντός σου. Είναι το παιδί σου και τίποτα άλλο δε φαντάζει πιο σημαντικό από αυτό.

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Δεν υπάρχει τίποτα πιο σκληρό από το να χάνει κάποιος το παιδί του.

Η θλίψη είναι αφόρητη και ο πόνος αβάσταχτος. Δεν υπάρχουν λόγια, παρά μόνο σιωπή. Βλέπεις την μητέρα και τον πατέρα να θρηνούν και εσύ το μονό που μπορείς να κάνεις, είναι να προσεύχεσαι να είναι δυνατοί. Εύχεσαι να μην είχε συμβεί ποτέ...

Όταν ο γονιός χάσει το παιδί του...

Η ζωή έχει κλείσει, έχει τελειώσει. Το πένθος διαρκεί για πάντα και η φωτιά που του καίει τη ψυχή δεν φεύγει με τίποτα. Είναι αυτές οι στιγμές που αναφωνείς με σπαραγμό: "Θεέ μου!!! Γιατί να χάσει αυτό που η ίδια η ζωή του έδωσε και αυτό που έδωσε ζωή σε εκείνον;". Άραγε υπάρχει σκληρότερο και βαρύτερο συναίσθημα από το να αντιμετωπίζεις το θάνατο του παιδιού σου;

Τι πραγματικά δίνει δύναμη και κουράγιο σε μια μητέρα που έχασε το παιδί της; Πώς να της μιλήσεις;

Δυο μητέρες που το έζησαν, άνοιξαν τη ψυχή τους. Δεν αναφέρουν το πως συνέβη ούτε το πότε αλλά μόνο όσα νιώθουν. Στέλνουν τα δικά τους μηνύματα και τα λόγια τους συγκλονίζουν...

Η κυρία Γιώτα Θεοφάνους από το Ξυλοφάγου αναφέρει στο ant1iwo:

"Δεν πίστευα ποτέ ότι θα έχανα τον Άγγελο μου...
Το ήξερα αλλά δεν ήθελα να το πιστέψω...
Περίμενα ότι θα γινόταν ένα θαύμα, ότι θα νικούσε την ασθένεια. Ήρθε όμως το τέλος και αυτό δεν μπορούσε να αλλάξει με τίποτα. Χάθηκαν όλες οι ελπίδες μου, τα όνειρα και όλες οι χαρές μου. Ένα απέραντο κενό και θλίψη...

Ήθελα να πεθάνω, να πάω να τον βρω. Πήγαινα στο κοιμητήριο και έκλαιγα με τις ώρες, παρακαλούσα το Θεό να με πάρει κοντά του. Δεν μπορούσα να σκεφτώ τη ζωή μας χωρίς τον Άγγελο. Ζούσα μόνο με τις αναμνήσεις...

Μέσα στον πόνο μου, άκουγα λόγια που όχι μόνο δεν με παρηγορούσαν αλλά με πονούσαν ακόμα περισσότερο, όπως: "Ο Θεός τον ήθελε κοντά του και τώρα είναι Άγγελος μαζί με τους Αγγέλους", "Ήθελες να βασανίζεται;". Θεέ μου!!! Πόσο πονούσα όταν μου έλεγαν: "Μην κλαις, είναι αμαρτία. Ο Άγγελος σε βλέπει και μαραζώνει, δεν μπορεί να ησυχάσει η ψυχή του" και "Έτσι πληγώνεις και τα άλλα σου παιδιά". Κάθε φορά έλεγα μέσα μου: "Να χάσεις το παιδί σου και να μην κλάψεις επειδή δεν αντέχουν να σε βλέπουν να κλαις;"

Ήταν σαν πραγματικές μαχαιριές...

Όταν μου έλεγαν: "Είναι δοκιμασίες του Θεού αυτές" και "Αμαρτίες γονέων παιδεύουσι τέκνα". Εκείνες τις στιγμές ένιωθα ότι η καρδιά μου έσταζε αίμα... Κλαίγοντας έλεγα μέσα μου: "Τι έχω κάνει Θεέ μου και έγινε η ζωή μου κόλαση;". Όταν με έβλεπαν να κάθομαι στο κοιμητήριο μου έλεγαν: "Σήκω να πας στα άλλα σου παιδιά και τα έχεις παραμελήσει". Κανείς δεν ξέρει πόσες θυσίες έκανα για να βλέπω και τα άλλα μου παιδιά όσο καιρό ήμασταν στο νοσοκομείο. Ενδιάμεσα των θεραπειών, ερχόμασταν σπίτι με τον Άγγελο για να βρισκόμαστε έστω και για λίγες ώρες όλοι μαζί σαν οικογένεια.

Αν και έχουν περάσει αρκετά χρόνια από τότε που "έφυγε" ο γιος μου, πολλές φορές τον νιώθω δίπλα μου, ειδικά όταν είμαι στενοχωρημένη. Ακόμα και σήμερα, πολλοί το θεωρούν υπερβολικό το ότι πονώ και μου λένε ότι πρέπει να συνεχίσω κανονικά τη ζωή μου γιατί θεωρούν ότι ο χρόνος είναι ο καλύτερος γιατρός, δεν είναι πάντα όμως...

Ευτυχισμένος είναι ο γονιός που φεύγει πρώτος και όχι πρώτα τα παιδιά του.

Είναι μεγάλη παρηγοριά για μένα να μιλώ για τον Άγγελο με τα παιδιά μου, τα αδέλφια και τον εγγονό μου. Πάντα τους λέω ότι ο Θεός μας αγαπά, δεν μας τιμωρεί. Ο Θεός είναι αγάπη. Μόνο με την αγάπη μπορείς να συνεχίσεις...
Εύχομαι να μην υπάρξουν άλλες χαροκαμένες μάνες...".
Η κυρία Έλενα Σακκά από την Λάρνακα αναφέρει στο ant1iwo:
"Θα μιλήσω για την μάνα που χάνει το παιδί της...
Tην μάνα που το κρατάει 9 μήνες στα σπλάχνα της, που το λατρεύει πριν καν το δει...
Για μια μάνα που "φεύγει" το παιδί της, αρχίζει ένας ατελείωτος Γολγοθάς. Μπαίνει σε ένα δρόμο γεμάτο αγκάθια και λακκούβες κρατώντας ένα σταυρό ασήκωτο, σε ένα δρόμο που νιώθει ότι περπατά εντελώς μόνη. Αν υπάρχει κάποιος δίπλα της και θέλει να τη βοηθήσει, απλά δεν μπορεί...
Για μια μάνα που "φεύγει" το παιδί της, αυτόματα φεύγει και η μισή της ψυχή. Αναγκαστικά μαθαίνει να ζει με μισή ψυχή. Κάθε χαρά είναι μοιρασμένη, κάθε χαμόγελο συνοδεύεται με δάκρυ και με ένα "Γιατί;", "Γιατί να μην είναι εδώ το παιδί μου να μοιραστούμε μαζί αυτή τη στιγμή;". Μετά από χρόνια αναρωτιέσαι: "Πως θα ήταν τώρα το παιδί μου;", "Αχ παιδί μου γιατί να μην είσαι εδώ...".

Πρέπει όμως να βρεις δύναμη μάνα να συνεχίσεις, έχεις υποχρέωση και στα άλλα σου παιδιά αλλά και σε όσους σε αγαπούν.

Εμένα με βοήθησε πολύ η πίστη μου στο Θεό. Ήταν πάντα δίπλα μου! Όσες φορές έπεσα Εκείνος με βοήθησε να σηκωθώ και του έχω τυφλή εμπιστοσύνη. Γέμισα τη ζωή μου με φως και αγάπη, άλλωστε είμαι μία μάνα ενός Άγγελου πλέον... Αλλοίμονο να μην έχω φως στη ζωή μου. Ο γιος μου είναι ο φύλακας Άγγελος μου πλέον, εμένα και της οικογένειας μου.

Με το πέρασμα του χρόνου...

Έμαθα να ζω όχι με την απώλεια του, αλλά με το να τον έχω μέσα μου. Χρειάζεται χρόνος, υπομονή, ψυχική δύναμη, διαλογισμός και αγάπη για μπορέσεις να φτάσεις σε αυτό το σημείο άλλα μόνο τότε σώζεσαι αγαπητή μάνα... μην αφεθείς στον πόνο...
Προχώρα παραπέρα, το παιδί σου σίγουρα αυτό θα ήθελε γιατί δεν έφυγε μακριά, εδώ δίπλα είναι... μας περιμένουν.
Βαλε μάνα στη ζωή σου την αγάπη και το φως, μόνο έτσι θα νιώσεις τη ψυχή του παιδιού σου γαληνεμένη και τότε θα γαληνέψεις και εσύ...".

Πηγή: ant1iwo.com

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Τι λες σε... μια μητέρα που έχασε το παιδί της; Δυο συμπολίτισσες μας μητέρες που το έζησαν μιλούν για το βίωμα τους - City Of Larnaka

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Δεν υπάρχει τίποτα πιο σκληρό από το να χάνει κάποιος το παιδί του. Γνωρίστε την εφαρμογή City of Larnaka κάνοντας κλικ στο www.app.cityoflarnaka.com Η θλίψη είναι αφόρητη και ο πόνος αβάσταχτος. Δεν υπάρχουν λόγια, παρά μόνο σιωπή. Βλέπεις την μητέρα και τον πατέρα να θρηνούν και εσύ το μονό που μπορείς να κάνεις, είναι να προσεύχεσαι να [...]

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"Κενό" -Το καθηλωτικό γλυπτό που έφτιαξε ένας γονιός για να εκφράσει την οδύνη στο χαμό του παιδιού του

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Το γλυπτό που συγκλονίζει | MY BEST | BOVARY | άγαλμα, κενό, ΘΑΝΑΤΟΣ

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Men go through all kinds of identity changes when they experience the loss of a child, especially a child who is older and has lived long enough to create established memories with his or her father.

A man identifies himself by mainly two things: the job he has and the family he has. When a child is taken away by death, a man suddenly loses the largest, most important part of his identity. A real crises situation has been created, not just for the father, but also for role the father plays with the family. Fathers love to feel needed, and they love to feel like they are the one responsible for the happiness of the entire family.

Men are far less verbal than women by nature, and it makes it much more difficult for family members and friends to understand the changes that are taking place with a father loses a child. He often feels like a failure because he was unable to prevent the death or to fix the death once it took place. This is especially true if the child's life was lost due to an illness.

Fathers often believe their role is to fix things that are broken or in need of repair, and when they cannot fix their child's illness and the end result is death, a father goes through a deep grieving period of feeling tremendous guilt and failure.

A father who loses a child also loses such a large part of his dreams. Fathers don't always openly talk about their dreams of hunting and fishing with their children, or of taking bike rides together, going to ball games together or of tossing a ball in the backyard, but they think about these events all of the time.

Fathers of girls daydream about walking their daughter down the aisle and dancing that first dance at the wedding. They dream about taking care of all of their child's hurts, wiping their tears away, and being called "hero" for all of the ways they show their strength to their son or daughter.

Child loss, in a father's eyes, often represents weakness. Men believe fathers are to be strong and in charge, not at a loss for knowing what to do when death turns life upside down. Child loss is such a helpless feeling, and often this is a foreign emotion for fathers who have been a tower of strength for their children.

What is a father to do? How can a father go on and feel whole once again?

It takes time to work through the pain of loss. It takes a long time to build back a feeling of belonging as a father. It will often take years for a father to be able to reclaim his identity of a father. It will take lots of working through feelings of failure and loss to feel like a man who can always proudly wear the name father.

Take it a day at a time, a step at a time. Begin by telling yourself over and over that you will always be a father. Nothing can change that-not even death. Remind yourself often that some things cannot be fixed by you. Remember often that lost dreams are part of the pain every parent feels when a child dies. It takes a lot of tears and years to work past the milestone markers of such things as dreams of your child playing ball, driving a car, dating, getting married, and having children.

These are not easy dreams to release, but with time you will be able to more vividly remember the times you had with your child than to sorrow over the time you never had. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. And, when you fall into the emotional pain of feeling like a failure, remind yourself that you will always be a father and nothing can take away that badge of honor, not even death.

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For Fathers, Loss of a Child Carries Special Burdens - Open to Hope

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Men go through all kinds of identity changes when they experience the loss of a child, especially a child who is older and has lived long enough to create established memories with his or her father. A man identifies himself by mainly two things: the job he has and the family he has.

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The relationship between a parent and child is unique and powerful, making the death of a child a devastating experience for a parent. Bereavement negatively impacts the psychological and physical health of parents, but historically, 75% of parents studied in pediatric palliative care research have been mothers. Because of this, the experience of fathers is not well understood.

Although fathers have been underrepresented in the palliative care literature, shifts have occurred in sociocultural views of roles and parental expectations. Fathers are increasingly involved in their children's care. Even with these changes, our understanding of paternal grief is limited. To address this deficit, we conducted a systematic review to critically assess current knowledge around the grief and bereavement experience of fathers following the death of children.

The silence and isolation of a father's grief

We found several unique features of how fathers grieve. Fathers tend to grieve in isolation, in contrast to more open communication by mothers. While mothers seek interaction with others to discuss their grief, fathers tend to be more closed about discussing their experiences. These differences at times cause increased frustration between partners. Ironically, fathers also saw their spouses as their primary source of support and an integral aspect of their recovery process.

Work as a coping mechanism

Fathers use goal-oriented tasks at work and at home to "keep busy" as a coping mechanism to manage grief. Despite cultural shifts in income households and parenting roles, mothers continue to perform the bulk of child-rearing responsibilities, including care of children during progressive illnesses.

Paternal reliance on continuing work, using work as distraction, and returning to work after the death of a child as a coping mechanism for grief are notable - and likely a manifestation of ongoing gender disparities. However, in follow-up interviews, some fathers reported loss of fulfillment and satisfaction in their work and actively sought alternative meaningful activities to sustain their children's legacies. The biggest regret reported by fathers was a wish that they had spent more time with their deceased children.

The mystery of how fathers process grief

Another important finding in our review was the intensity of the grief between mothers and fathers. Grief intensity was higher in mothers immediately following the death of children, marked by intense grief reactions. Post-traumatic stress disorder and its symptoms diminished over time in mothers, yet persisted in fathers. We concluded that for some fathers, gendered coping mechanisms (such as isolation, stoicism, work ethic) are not sufficient for processing grief across time. Further research is needed to better understand this hypothesis.

Some fathers grieve more on the inside

Additionally, the definition of grief intensity remains poorly defined in the literature and variable between studies, with most features of grief intensity reported as outward expressions of grief. Given data to suggest that fathers self-isolate themselves and avoid visible features of grief, these metrics may underestimate the true grief intensity experienced by fathers, and new measures may be needed to capture the depth of paternal grief.

Many fathers continue to navigate loss through stoicism, self-isolation and hard work. But the literature suggests that, for some fathers, these coping mechanisms may be inadequate. Even if a father remains stoic and silent, it does not mean he is not suffering. By recognizing the unique nature of the grief experience of fathers and the cultural, societal and religious influences on their bereavement experiences, clinicians can better support fathers during their grief journeys.

Our work on this topic, Grief and Bereavement in Fathers After the Death of A Child: A Systematic Review, was published in March 2021 in Pediatrics.

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How do fathers grieve the loss of a child?

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The relationship between a parent and child is unique and powerful, making the death of a child a devastating experience for a parent. Bereavement negatively impacts the psychological and physical health of parents, but historically, 75% of parents studied in pediatric palliative care research have been mothers.

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While many fathers may put on an outward display of strength, inside they are as heartbroken as any parent would be over the loss of a child. They experience the same stages of grief as anyone else, even if they do not always express it. Society often focuses on the mother, but fathers also need support while being allowed to grieve on their terms.

How Men Grieve

While women are generally open with their emotions, men often keep theirs bottled up. A father may not outwardly show any sadness over the loss of his child, either because of societal pressure to be strong or the feeling that he must be there to support his wife.

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Grieving Silently

Many men have been taught that they should not share their emotions or reach out for support. They are raised to be strong in times of trouble, thus they often grieve silently. This does not mean he is not grieving - it just means he is doing it differently.

Grieving Physically

Men often express their grief physically. A grieving father may throw himself into work or projects around the house, or he may take up a hobby to keep himself occupied and avoid dealing with his emotions. He may turn to physical activity, such as playing basketball or going to the gym, to get the anger out. He may avoid contact with his wife because he doesn't know how to deal with her emotions on top of his. Whatever form his grief takes, a father must be allowed to process his feelings in his own way.

Helping a Grieving Father

Society often neglects to care for the grieving father, showering all its support on the mother. Yet fathers need support as well, and he may not wish to turn to his wife for support, who is working through her grief. If you know a father who has recently lost a child, here are some suggestions for helping him work through his grief:

Be supportive: He may need help with funeral arrangements, including driving him to the funeral home, picking out a casket or selecting flowers.

Don't pressure him: If the father refuses to talk about his child's death, don't try to force the issue. Let him know that if he needs to talk, you'll be there to listen.

Listen: When he is ready to start talking, just listen. Tell him how sorry you are for his loss. Use his child's name. Do not throw clichés at him, such as "Your child is in a better place", or "Now you have an angel to look after you". Not only are these not helpful, but it may make him feel that expressing his emotions is making you uncomfortable, which may cause him to stop talking about his grief.

Help him with daily tasks: Find out what needs to be done, show up and just do it if you ask if he needs anything, he will likely say no. Tell him you will be at his house at a specific date and time to do the laundry or mow the lawn, or that you are dropping off dinner. If he has other children, offer to take them to the movies or the park to give him and his spouse some time alone.

Invite him out: He may decline, but keep inviting him. Even if he never accepts, sometimes just knowing the invitation is there and that somebody cares is enough to get through a bad day. Often friends fade away after the loss of a child because they don't know what to say. He needs to know that you will not abandon him.

Support

If you know someone who has lost a child, or if you are a father who has lost a child, take time to get some help. There are many organizations devoted to helping parents through the loss of a child, and many have local chapters with support groups for mothers, fathers, and both parents. Many of these organizations also have online forums specifically for fathers to go and talk about their grief with other men who have been through the same experience.

Center for Loss in Multiple Birth (CLIMB) is an organization aimed at parents who have lost one, both or all children in a multiple birth, whether at birth or later in life. They have a page on fathers and grief.

MISS Foundation is a volunteer-based organization that provides counseling, advocacy, research, and education services to families experiencing the death of a child. Their website has a page dedicated to fathers, as well as an online forum for dads called "Man of Courage."

Resources

Oftentimes the best comfort comes from reading about others who have been through the loss of their child and survived. Books written by fathers who have lost a child can help eliminate the feeling that nobody understands your pain. Look for these books at your local bookstore, library or at Amazon.com.

Books About Fathers & Loss

Path Towards Healing

There is no one way to grieve and no quick answer to the pain a parent feels after losing his child, regardless of the circumstances. Grief is a process, and it's important to let each individual experience that grief on their own terms. Grief counseling is often helpful for people who are struggling through the loss of a child as well.

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How Fathers Grieve the Loss of a Child | LoveToKnow

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While many fathers may put on an outward display of strength, inside they are as heartbroken as any parent would be over the loss of a child. They experience the same stages of grief as anyone else, even if they do not always express it.

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"This is a reminder that just like mothers, fathers too grieve the loss of their children."

The worst thing that can happen to any parent is the loss of a child, regardless of the age of the child. People are uneasy and reluctant to talk about death and certainly not about the death of a child. Many people will pull away from a family that has suffered the passing of a child as though somehow having a child pass is contagious. Families who have lost children often say that others "just don't get it".

They are expected to move on and get over it when we very well know that this will never happen. The pain will wax and wane but it is always there. With time, the pain will lessen enough to allow the parent to return to the living, but their child is never far from their mind.

Grief does not have a time frame and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. This is a story of one father's loss, a topic that is not talked about enough and that we strongly believe needs to be heard. This is a reminder that just like the mothers who have lost, fathers too grieve the loss of their children.
We were so excited to finally have a son. Photo by Mon Petit Chou Photography on Unsplash.
The highest of highs and lowest of lows

July 1987 was the month my world experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I write this account as a way of preserving the memory of a life lost. A life that could not speak for itself. But I also write this as a support for all the fathers who know the loss of a young life, particularly an infant. I have seen many stories in the press about mothers who have suffered the ultimate loss of an infant, and mostly the husband is in a support role, as he did not carry the child. This is not to discount the worth of the mother - quite to the contrary, but I felt a need to put a man's perspective to a shared tragedy.

My son - Keith William Naumann, (named after his two grandfathers) came into this world on July 24, 1987. It was a natural birth, and Mum and Baby were doing fine. I can remember going home from St Vincent's Hospital in Toowoomba almost floating. I had a son! This was even more special as being the youngest of 7, I was the last to start having a family. It had been an ongoing point of pride in our family that to this point, only my eldest brother, Kerry, had a son first. All the others had daughters first. I had just knocked Kerry off his throne - or at least shared it with him now.

My family is one that is full of love and support. I am sure we are the envy of a lot of people. Sure we have our arguments but the bond between us is stronger than anything you can imagine. I am the man I am today because of these bonds.

Three days after Keith was born, and after three days of celebrating a son, I answered a phone call from my wife, who told me that the doctors thought there was something wrong with our baby. Fear did not register at this time, being the eternal optimist I simply thought it would all be okay.

But it was not all okay.
Just like that our boy was gone. Photo by Laura Fuhrman on Unsplash
Nothing they could do

On arriving at the hospital, things had already been put in motion to transport Keith to Brisbane for further tests. The Doctors in Toowoomba thought it may be a virus or a possible heart problem. An ambulance was arranged, and Mum and Baby were transported, with me following with a few family members in other cars. I can't remember who with - it is all a blur still to this day. After arriving at hospital in Brisbane and having many scans, the Doctor called us into a private room to discuss the results.

In the space of three short days, my heart had experienced the highest high, and now I was to experience the lowest of lows. Our son had Hypoplasty Left Heart Syndrome - a condition where the left side of the heart does not form correctly. We were told to take our son home and enjoy time with him - there was nothing they could do. It may be days or weeks, but not months. I was numb. It was all very surreal. This type of thing happens to other people - not us!

We travelled back to Toowoomba in a family member's car - nursing Keith in the back seat for the whole drive home. My sister Marie and her husband Rick arrived at our home some time before we did, they put on the fireplace to start warming the rooms up for us. I did not know it at the time, but I was about to find out just how valuable my entire family is to me. As we arrived home, I thought it was odd that our old English Sheepdog, Beau, did not run out to greet us as he usually did.

Thinking no more about this, we went inside and simply acted like any other family bringing a child home. Feeding, bathing, changing and above all - loving this little life in our home. It then occurred to me again that our dog was missing. Finally, my sister Marie told me that as they arrived home, Beau (the Sheepdog) ran across the road as he usually does, and then ran back across the road, not expecting a car to have turned around at the end of the court. Beau had run straight into the side of their car and had been rushed to the vet. What else could go wrong! Fortunately, we were to find out later that although Beau had sustained a broken femur in the accident, he would be okay after a few days at the vet.

People's reactions to our situation were varied and different - but I will never forget how my family kicked in and pulled what they could together. I still remember how my brother-in-law, Rick, simply could not accept the diagnosis. Keith was so perfect on the outside, how could something so sinister be on the inside?

Keith survived for 13 days. Right up till the 12th day, he was a normal baby boy. We took him to hospital when we realised he was struggling. He passed away as peacefully as our laws allow. I can still remember his final gasp for life. It haunts me.
Give thanks. Photo by Simon Maage on Unsplash
Their kindness saved us

The generosity and love of many people helped me, and my then-wife through some very dark times. Our family doctor - Dr David Lee, called in every day on his way home to see how things were going and check up. We never saw a bill for this. I even got to talk with the late great Dr Victor Chang, heart specialist at St. Vincent's in Sydney. To my surprise when I phoned the hospital, they said "Dr Chang is right here, would you like to talk to him?"

He explained the situation and did not give us hope, unfortunately, but he took the time to talk to me and explain more. The nurses at St Vincent's Toowoomba who cared for Keith in his last hours - I don't know how they did it. Nor have I ever seen a bill for our dog's vet costs and nor did we have the agony of paying for Keith's funeral. My beautiful family paid for these. They believed we had gone through enough.

Thirty years have dimmed some of the memories, but I still think of my son every day. I still cry on his birthday, or when I watch TV and there is tragic loss involving a baby.

My way of handling my loss - right or wrong, was to run away. I accepted a job in Brisbane and we moved to pursue my career from there. I found it very difficult when I met friends in the street and of course they would ask "how is the new baby?" and I would have to relive my sad story again and again - so I ran away.

They say that 60% of marriages that lose a child end in divorce. For that and other reasons, my first marriage ended seven years ago.
I'm thrilled I get to watch my grandson grow up. Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash
We will always remember him

I now have two beautiful daughters, Helena and Shaylee. Both are beautiful young and strong women. Helena was born five years after Keith and we left no stone unturned to ensure that the same tragedy was not repeated, even though the odds said it wouldn't. As a father, I became, and still am, ever vigilant and protective of my girls.

Recently Helena gave us a grandchild. A grandson. You cannot imagine the memories that flooded back every time she had to go to hospital (it was a difficult pregnancy), or even after he was born with breathing difficulties. My beautiful wife Jacki will attest to the number of times I broke down in fear. The bad memories have never, and probably will never leave me.

But I have survived and thrived in my life. Helena has paid me the ultimate compliment, naming her son Cooper Mark - an honour I take very seriously. I am a proud man - but mostly proud of my wife, children, and family. I could not live without them and their love. Although I have suffered a terrible loss, I also am the receiver of ultimate love.

I write and share my experience in the hope that other Fathers who have experienced similar know that life is not always down. There are a multitude of 'ups' along the way. And as a man, know that it is okay to be emotionally affected by things that you have no control over. I am proud to cry for my son because then I realise, I will never forget.

And that makes life worth living.
This post originally appeared on Bent But Not Breaking and is republished here with full permission.

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"This is a reminder that just like mothers, fathers too grieve the loss of their children." The worst thing that can happen to any parent is the loss of a child, regardless of the age of the child. People are uneasy and reluctant to talk about death and certainly not about the death of a child.

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Ψυχολογία & Ενέργεια

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Η ξεχωριστή σχέση των αδερφών

Τα αδέρφια παίζουν ιδιαίτερο ρόλο στις οικογένειές. Μπορούν συχνά να γίνουν οι καλύτεροί μας φίλοι και να γίνουν οι άνθρωποι στους οποίους εμπιστευόμαστε. Μαλώνουμε με τα μικρότερα αδέρφια μας, μαθαίνουμε από τα μεγαλύτερα αδέρφια μας, παίζουμε και ανταγωνιζόμαστε μαζί τους.

Στην πραγματικότητα, δημιουργούμε ειδικές σχέσεις μαζί τους. Είναι σχέσεις που δεν συγκρίνονται με καμία από τις άλλες.

Η σημαντική απώλεια ενός αδερφού/ής

Αν κάποιος χάσει ένα παιδί, τον σύντροφο, τον γονιό θα βρει πολλά άρθρα στο διαδίκτυο. Δεν θα συμβεί το ίδιο, για να βρει ένα σχετικό άρθρο για την απώλεια ενός αδερφού/ής.

Το να ζει ο γονιός μετά την απώλεια του παιδιού του, είναι φοβερό. Τα αδέρφια, σε μία τέτοια συνθήκη δεν βρίσκουν απαραίτητα τον χρόνο να θρηνήσουν. Το βάρος της στήριξης των γονιών είναι εκεί από την αρχή. Είναι οι υποστηρικτές των γονιών. Όλο αυτό σου αφαιρεί προσωπικό χρόνο στην επεξεργασία του δικού σου πένθους. Πολλές φορές, χρειάζεται να διεκπεραιώσουν πολύ σκληρές εκκρεμότητες για το γεγονός όπως η κηδεία, τα ρούχα που θα φοράει ο/η αδερφός/ή.

Αντιδράσεις στο θάνατο ενός αγαπημένου προσώπου

Επίσης, χρήσιμο είναι να γνωρίζουμε τα 5 στάδια του πένθους κατά την επιστήμονα, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross:

Ωστόσο, η διαδικασία δεν είναι απαραίτητα προβλέψιμη. Οι συναισθηματικές αντιδράσεις και η διαδικασία πένθους διαφέρουν ανάλογα με το άτομο. Ο πόνος και τα συναισθήματά είναι μοναδικά.

Επιπτώσεις που έχει ο θάνατος ενός αδελφού

Είτε λόγω παρατεταμένης ασθένειας, είτε λόγω ξαφνικού θανάτου, η απώλεια ενός αδερφού είναι δύσκολη. Μπορεί να αισθάνεσαι ότι κάτι άλλαξε στην φυσική ροή, όπως την έχεις μάθει και υπάρχει αναστάτωση. Σχεδόν πάντα, υπάρχει στα ενδεχόμενα σενάρια η απώλεια παπούδων και γονιών. Αλλά, μια τέτοια σκέψη, δεν μπορεί να περάσει από το μυαλό κάποιου. Τα αδέρφια έχουν υπάρξει ταυτόχρονοι μάρτυρες στα γεγονότα ζωής τους, από κοινή οπτική. Καυγάδες γονιών, αγωνίες σχολείου, γενέθλια, αργίες, αρρώστιες κτλ.

Ο θάνατος ενός αδερφού μπορεί να έχει πολλαπλές επιπτώσεις. Πέρα από την προσπάθεια να αντιμετωπίσεις την θλίψη σου ίσως αντιμετωπίσεις νέες προκλήσεις όπως αυτές που αναφέρονται παρακάτω.

Αλλαγές στη Δυναμική της Οικογένειας

Όταν πεθαίνει ένας αδερφός/μια αδερφή, οι ρόλοι και οι ευθύνες μπορεί να κλονιστούν. Εάν ο αδερφός ήταν ο ηγέτης στην οικογένεια, ποιος αναλαμβάνει αυτόν τον ρόλο τώρα; Η ανησυχία σου με τη νέα δυναμική της οικογένειας μπορεί να προσθέσει περισσότερο άγχος στη θλίψη σου.

Η απώλεια μιας στενής σχέσης

Επειδή τα αδέρφια είναι συχνά βαθιά συνδεδεμένα, εκτός από τον/την αδερφό/ή, μπορεί να έχεις χάσεις και τον/την καλύτερο/η φίλο/η σου. Εάν εργαζόσασταν σε μια οικογενειακή επιχείρηση, η απώλεια του/της αδελφού/ής σας μπορεί επίσης να αντιπροσωπεύει την απώλεια του συναδέλφου.

Βαθιά ενοχή

"Γιατί αυτός/ή και όχι εγώ". Το να νιώθεις ενοχή επειδή εσύ έζησες, δεν είναι παράλογο. Όσοι χάνουν αδέρφια συχνά νιώθουν ενοχές για πράγματα που δεν ειπώθηκαν, ή ειπώθηκαν σε θυμό, ή λάθος και νιώθουν ότι δεν έχουν πια, την ευκαιρία να απολογηθούν. Κάποιες φορές, η αποξένωση από τα αδέρφια κατά την ενηλικίωση ή μετά την δημιουργία οικογένειας μπορεί να προκαλέσουν ενοχή επειδή η επανασύνδεση, δεν είναι εφικτή.

Ιατρικός έλεγχος

Αν ο/η άδερφός/ή έχουν πεθάνει από κάποια ασθένεια, καλό είναι να κάνεις έναν ιατρικό έλεγχο. Σε κάποιες περιπτώσεις υπάρχουν κληρονομικά χαρακτηριστικά στις ασθένειες.

Πότε θα περάσει το πένθος

Δεν υπάρχει "κανονικός" χρόνος για να θρηνήσεις την απώλεια ενός αδερφού. Καθώς περνάει ο καιρός, η θλίψη πρέπει να απαλύνει και θα πρέπει να μπορείς να λειτουργήσεις. Αυτό δεν σημαίνει ότι η θλίψη εξαφανίζεται τελείως. Ούτε αυτό σημαίνει ότι δεν θα νιώθεις θλίψη ή μοναξιά για την απώλεια του/της αδερφού/ή σου. Κάποια στιγμή, θα επιστέψεις στην κανονικότητα της ζωής σου.

Πολύπλοκη Θλίψη

Για μερικούς, όμως, τα συναισθήματα της απώλειας είναι τόσο έντονα που γίνονται εξουθενωτικά. Αυτό είναι γνωστό ως περίπλοκη θλίψη. Ονομάζεται επίσης διαταραχή πένθους.

Σε αυτή την περίπτωση, οδυνηρά συναισθήματα διαταράσσουν σοβαρά τις ζωές και την καθημερινότητα. Οι αντιδράσεις είναι υπερβολικές, εμμονικές και έντονες. Οι άνθρωποι είναι ανίκανοι να ξαναρχίσουν τη ζωή τους με υγιή τρόπο και χρειάζονται θεραπευτική βοήθεια.

Η πρότασή μου, σε εσένα που έχεις χάσει τον/την αδερφό/ή σου.

Να είσαι επιεικής με τον εαυτό σου. Η θλίψη είναι μια διαδικασία που σε μαθαίνει νέα πράγματα.

Ξεκουράσου, κοιμήσου περισσότερο. Όσοι πενθούν είναι εξαντλημένοι σωματικά και ψυχικά.

Ο πόνος, είναι ένα συναίσθημα που πρέπει να αποδεχτείς. Δώσε στον εαυτό σου, τον χρόνο που χρειάζεται και μην αντιδράς με φόβο.

Προσπάθησε να μην απομονωθείς. Πέρασε χρόνο με τους φίλους και την οικογένειά σου.

Συνδέσου ξανά με την ευτυχία. Όχι υπερβολικά πράγματα, αλλά μη ξεχνάς ότι υπάρχουν πραγματα που σε κάνουν να νιώθεις ευτυχία. Η ευτυχία, είναι μέρος της δικής σου ζωής, της δικής σου συνέχειας.

Επίτρεψε στον εαυτό σου την χαρά. Μη νιώθεις ντροπή, ενοχή ή αγωνία αν χορέψεις, τραγουδήσεις και γελάσεις.

Η ρουτίνα είναι γιατρικό. Άρχισε να βρίσκεσαι πίσω στην ρουτίνα σου ή δημιούργησε μια νέα. Φάε καλά, κάνε βόλτες, γύρισε στην εργασία σου.

Η πνευματικότητα βοηθάει πολύ. Είναι σημαντικό να μετατοπίζεις την ενέργειά σου προς τα εσένα. Προς το να μάθεις πράγματα που σου δίνουν γαλήνη, χαρά, ελευθερία. Αξιοποίησε αυτήν την εμπειρία και μελέτησε πράγματα που θα σε κάνουν να νιώθεις ηρεμία.

Θα σου πω, τι έχω ανακαλύψει και σε τί πιστεύω.

Πρόσφατα, έμαθα ότι το πένθος είναι κάτι πολύ ζωντανό. Με μαθαίνει νέα συναισθήματα ή μάλλον νέους συνδυασμούς συναισθημάτων. Είμαι ευλογημένη που γνώρισα την αδερφή μου, Ειρήνη Βασιλείου (μητέρα, κόρη, αδερφή, σύζυγο, φίλη, αδερφή-ψυχή, συγγραφέα) και είμαι ευγνώμων που ακόμα (μετά από 18 χρόνια) με μαθαίνει πράγματα.
Εύη Βασιλείου, Ψυχολόγος MSc

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Απώλεια αδερφού και πένθος - Ψυχολογία & Ενέργεια

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Τα αδέρφια παίζουν ιδιαίτερο ρόλο στις οικογένειές. Μπορούν συχνά να γίνουν οι καλύτεροί μας φίλοι και να γίνουν οι άνθρωποι στους οποίους εμπιστευόμαστε. Μαλώνουμε με τα μικρότερα αδέρφια μας, μαθαίνουμε από τα μεγαλύτερα αδέρφια μας, παίζουμε και ανταγωνιζόμαστε μαζί τους. Στην πραγματικότητα, δημιουργούμε ειδικές σχέσεις μαζί τους.

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Οι άνθρωποι που μεγαλώνουν με αδέλφια, γνωρίζουν από πρώτο χέρι τα συναισθήματα που συνεπάγεται αυτή η σχέση. Οι χαρές, οι λύπες, τα άγχη αλλά και ο πόνος που αυτή επιφέρει τη γεμίζουν με αναμνήσεις, όνειρα , σχέδια και νοσταλγία. Μέσα στη αδελφική σχέση υπάρχει συνήθως χώρος όπου τα αδέλφια μοιράζονται τη χαρά του παιχνιδιού και της συντροφιάς. Ορισμένες φορές υπάρχει ο ανταγωνισμός όχι μόνο για ένα αγαπημένο παιχνίδι αλλά και για την αγάπη και την εύνοια των γονιών.

Οι παράγοντες που καθορίζουν την ποιότητα στις σχέσεις ανάμεσα στα αδέρφια είναι η σειρά γέννησης που συχνά ορίζει τον "ηγέτη", ο οποίος αποκτά έναν γονεικό ρόλο, ο ανταγωνισμός μεταξύ των αδελφών για τη στοργή και τις παροχές των γονιών και η αλληλοϋποστήριξη που καθορίζει το βαθμό εγγύτητας και οικειότητας. Η επίδραση που έχει λοιπόν ο θάνατος ενός αδελφού εξαρτάται τόσο από τους παραπάνω παράγοντες αλλά συνδέεται επίσης και από την ηλικία που θα συμβεί ο θάνατος.Μετά το θάνατο ενός ενήλικου αδελφού παρατηρείται ότι ο κόσμος συλλυπείται ή συμπαραστέκεται στους γονείς, στο σύντροφο ή στα παιδιά του εκλιπόντος παρακάμπτοντας ή και αγνοώντας τα αδέρφια του. Μάλιστα πολλές φορές κάποιοι δίνουν φωνή στο αδιανόητο: "Τα συλληπτήρια μου αλλά ευτυχώς που δεν ήταν ο άντρας σου ή το παιδί σου" δίνοντας με αυτόν τον τρόπο το μήνυμα στο άτομο ότι δεν υπάρχει λόγος να πενθήσει αυτόν τον θάνατο. Αν ο θάνατος συμβεί σε μικρότερη ηλικία παρατηρούνται διάφοροι τρόποι έκφρασης του πένθους αλλά και τρόποι με τους οποίους οι ενήλικοι φέρονται στα παιδιά . Έπειτα από έναν θάνατο μπορούμε να παρατηρήσουμε τις εξής αλλαγές στον οικογενειακό σύστημα:

- Το στοιχειωμένο παιδί. Ζει με μια οικογένεια που δεν μιλάει για το θάνατο και έτσι δεν έχει την ευκαιρία να θρηνήσει. Κλείνει τα συναισθήματα μέσα του και μπορεί να είναι πολύ προσαρμοσμένο στις συμπεριφορές του. Tο παιδί αισθάνεται παγιδευμένο από την μη έκφραση των συναισθημάτων.

- Το προστατευμένο παιδί. Υπερπροστατεύεται από τους γονείς λόγω του φόβου τους να μην βιώσουν ξανά τον ίδιο πόνο με αποτέλεσμα να μην μπορεί να ζήσει μια ζωή γεμάτη από εμπειρίες και κατάλληλη για την ηλικία του. Του στερούν απλά πράγματα όπως π.χ να κάνει ποδήλατο ή να πάει κατασκήνωση. Το παιδί ασφυκτιά κάτω από αυτό το βάρος.

- Το παιδί αντικαταστάτης. Είναι το παιδί που γεννήθηκε ή υιοθετήθηκε μετά το θάνατο ενός αδελφού και του φέρονται ως αντικαταστάτη του νεκρού παιδιού. Το παιδί δεν αναπτύσσει τη δική του ταυτότητα. Μπορεί να του δοθεί ακόμα και το ίδιο όνομα.

- Το μοναχικό παιδί. Είναι το παιδί που παραμελούν κατά τη διάρκεια του πένθους. Παραμελούνται οι ανάγκες του , οι επιθυμίες του και τα συναισθήματα του ακόμα και αυτά που περιλαμβάνουν την ανάγκη του να πενθήσει για το θάνατο του αδελφού.

- Το μετά το θάνατο γεννημένο παιδί. Μεγαλώνει με έναν τρόπο όπου φτάνει να νοιώθει είτε μνησικακία για το νεκρό παιδί που σκόρπισε θλίψη στους γονείς του είτε τον νοιώθει ως φύλακα άγγελο που τον φροντίζει από τον ουρανό.

- Το παιδί - αποδιοπομπαίος τράγος. Είναι το παιδί που δέχεται το σύνολο της θλίψης των γονιών λόγω των ενοχών τους για το θάνατο του αδελφού.

Από τις ανωτέρω πληροφορίες είναι εύκολο να κατανοήσουμε το πόσο μεγάλη επίδραση μπορεί να έχει ο θάνατος του αδελφού/αδελφής στη ζωή ενός παιδιού. Είναι απαραίτητο να στηρίξουμε τα παιδιά που βιώνουν αυτό το θάνατο . Χρειάζεται να τους δώσουμε την άδεια να πενθήσουν και να τους τονίζουμε ότι δεν είναι υπεύθυνα για το θάνατο του αδελφού τους. Τα παιδιά τείνουν να έχουν ενοχές και να θεωρούν ότι είναι υπεύθυνα για το θάνατο αυτό. Χρειάζεται να εκφράζουμε συχνά την αγάπη μας για αυτά και να τα καθησυχάζουμε γιατί είναι συχνό φαινόμενο να αναπτύσσονται φοβίες γύρω από το θάνατο. Καλό είναι να θυμόμαστε ότι τα παιδιά που έρχονται αντιμέτωπα με το θάνατο του αδελφού τους στην ουσία αντιμετωπίζουν δύο απώλειες: Το θάνατο του αδελφού και την απώλεια των γονέων που αποσύρονται (για κάποιο χρονικό διάστημα ή και μόνιμα) στο πένθος τους.

Όταν πεθαίνει ένας αδελφός η μια αδελφή χάνουμε πολλά πράγματα: Τη μοναδική σχέση που είχαμε μαζί τους, τις κοινές αναμνήσεις από το παρελθόν αλλά και τα σχέδια ή τα όνειρα που είχαμε χτίσει μαζί τους για το μέλλον. Είναι μια σημαντική απώλεια στη ζωή ενός ανθρώπου και δεν πρέπει σε καμία περίπτωση να την συγκρίνουμε με άλλες ή να την μειώνουμε σε σημασία.

© Nάνσυ. Ψημενάτου. Σύμβουλος Ψυχικής Υγείας, Εξειδικευμένη στην Συμβουλευτική Πένθους

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ψυχοθεραπεία

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συμβουλευτική

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online ψυχοθεραπεια

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Πενθώντας το θάνατο ενός αδελφού

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Οι άνθρωποι που μεγαλώνουν με αδέλφια, γνωρίζουν από πρώτο χέρι τα συναισθήματα που συνεπάγεται αυτή η σχέση. Οι χαρές, οι λύπες, τα άγχη αλλά και ο πόνος που αυτή επιφέρει τη γεμίζουν με αναμνήσεις, όνειρα , σχέδια και νοσταλγία. Μέσα στη αδελφική σχέση υπάρχει συνήθως χώρος όπου τα αδέλφια μοιράζονται τη χαρά του παιχνιδιού και της συντροφιάς.

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Πώς είναι να χάνεις ένα πολύτιμο κομμάτι του κόσμου σου, τον αδερφό σου που σου έμοιαζε τόσο πολύ, μιλούσε την ίδια γλώσσα με σένα, και είχε την ίδια χροιά φωνής; Πώς συνεχίζεις τη ζωή σου, πώς βιώνεις την απώλεια, αλλά και το γεγονός ότι η κοινωνία δεν "επιτρέπει" στα αδέρφια να θρηνούν; Τα αδέρφια, οι "ξεχασμένοι πενθούντες"
Ο αδερφός σου ήταν πάντα εκεί από τότε που θυμάσαι τον εαυτό σου. Στο διπλανό δωμάτιο, στον δρόμο για το σχολείο, στις σαββατιάτικες εξόδους, στα οικογενειακά τραπέζια, στις καλοκαιρινές διακοπές. Είχατε οι δυο σας έναν συγκεκριμένο τρόπο να αλληλεπιδράτε, έναν δικό σας μυστικό κώδικα να συνδέεστε, να μιλάτε με τα μάτια, να συνωμοτείτε, να αγαπιέστε. Μα όχι πια...

Όσο βαρύνουσα κι αν είναι η σημασία της απώλειας του αδελφού, κι όμως, δεν φαίνεται να έχει τον απαραίτητο χώρο να εκδηλωθεί.
Η κοινωνία υποτιμά τη θλίψη των αδελφών καθώς δίνει μεγαλύτερη βαρύτητα στους γονείς, στον/στη σύντροφο και στα παιδιά του ανθρώπου που πέθανε. Φαίνεται να πιστεύεται ότι τα αδέρφια επηρεάζονται λιγότερο, και αγνοούνται σε σημείο που αναφέρονται ως "ξεχασμένοι πενθούντες".
Το Σοκ της Απώλειας
Εσύ όμως ξέρεις. Η θλίψη σου για την απώλεια του αδερφού σου είναι εδώ και είναι αληθινή. Χρειάζεται να δώσεις στον εαυτό σου τον χρόνο και την υποστήριξη που χρειάζεται για να θρηνήσεις, καθώς θρηνείς πολλές διαφορετικές απώλειες.
Η Απώλεια της Ιστορίας
Ο θάνατος του αδερφού σου αλλάζει εσένα, τη σχέση σου με τους γονείς και τη δυναμική όλης της οικογένειάς σου. Η απώλεια του αδερφού αλλάζει όλο τον κόσμο σου μέσα σε κλάσματα του δευτερολέπτου.
Είτε η απώλεια οφείλεται σε μια χρόνια ασθένεια είτε σε ένα ξαφνικό, τραγικό γεγονός, ο θάνατος του αδερφού αποτελεί ένα οδυνηρό σοκ. Συχνά σκεφτόμαστε και είμαστε, κατά κάποιο τρόπο, προετοιμασμένοι για την απώλεια των μεγαλύτερων μελών της οικογένειας, του παππού και της γιαγιάς μας, των γονιών μας, των θείων μας. Ποιος, όμως, είναι προετοιμασμένος να χάσει τον αδερφό του, να μην τον έχει εκεί, στις σημαντικές στιγμές της ενήλικης ζωής, στον γάμο του, στη γέννηση των παιδιών του, στα πρώτα τους γενέθλια ή και στην αποφοίτησή τους;
Και όταν αυτό που ούτε καν φαντάζεσαι, συμβαίνει, βιώνεις ένα ισχυρό σοκ το οποίο μόλις υποχωρήσει, μένεις απλά με τον πόνο της απώλειας. Είσαι αυτός που έχει επιζήσει!
Η Απώλεια ενός Φίλου
Όταν ένας αδερφός πεθαίνει, οι δεσμοί θρυμματίζονται και η οικογενειακή ιστορία αποκτά ένα κενό που δεν καλύπτεται ποτέ.
Καθώς ο αδελφός μοιράστηκε μαζί σου μια μοναδική ιστορία ζωής, αναρίθμητες αναμνήσεις και πολύτιμες παιδικές στιγμές, η απώλειά του αφαιρεί μία από τις συνδέσεις σου με το παρελθόν, μια σταθερά χάνεται από τη ζωή σου, γεγονός που σε γεμίζει με ανασφάλεια.
Η Απώλεια του Μέλλοντος
Δεν έχασες μόνο τον αδερφό σου, αλλά και τον καλύτερό σου φίλο. Εκείνον που κάποτε σε καθοδηγούσε και σε ενθάρρυνε με τρόπο τόσο διαφορετικό από τους γονείς σου. Εκείνον που σε προστάτευε από τους τρίτους, που σου άνοιγε την αγκαλιά του για να κλάψεις ή να χαρείς, εκείνον που σε ήξερε καλύτερα από όλους.
Ο μοναδικός Ρόλος που έχουν τα Αδέρφια στη ζωή μας
Όταν πεθαίνει ο αδερφός σου, όλες οι μελλοντικές ειδικές περιστάσεις αλλάζουν για πάντα. Δεν υπάρχουν πλέον κοινοί εορτασμοί γενεθλίων, επέτειοι, αργίες. Κανένα ιδιαίτερο και μοναδικό γεγονός δεν θα είναι ποτέ ξανά το ίδιο χωρίς εκείνον.
Κι όμως, τα αδέρφια δεν έχουν τον χρόνο να θρηνήσουν... δεν τους "επιτρέπεται"...
Τα αδέρφια έχουν συχνά έντονα και αμφιθυμικά συναισθήματα ο ένας για τον άλλον. Οι σχέσεις τους τείνουν να είναι περίπλοκες, χαρακτηρίζονται από ένα μείγμα θυμού, ζήλιας, εγγύτητας αλλά και ατελείωτης αγάπης.
Οι σχέσεις με τα αδέρφια μας είναι τόσο περίπλοκες γιατί όσο μεγαλώνουμε, τα αδέρφια είναι φίλοι και εχθροί, συμπαίκτες και ανταγωνιστές, παίζουμε και μαλώνουμε μαζί τους.
Μοιραζόμαστε την αγάπη των γονιών μας και ανταγωνιζόμαστε για αυτή την αγάπη.
Μας αρέσει να είμαστε μέλη μιας οικογένειας και αγωνιζόμαστε να αποκτήσουμε τη δική μας ταυτότητα.
Με τα αδέρφια μας μαθαίνουμε να σκεφτόμαστε, να συνεργαζόμαστε, να μοιραζόμαστε, να αντιμετωπίζουμε τα συναισθήματά μας και να λύνουμε τις διαφωνίες μας.
Η αδερφική σχέση είναι εξαιρετικά σημαντική για την ανάπτυξή μας, και κατά συνέπεια, η απώλεια συγκλονίζει βαθιά στο είναι μας.

"Πρέπει να είσαι δυνατός/ή για τους γονείς σου" θα ακούσεις να σου λένε συχνά. Η ανάγκη, όμως, να στηρίξεις τους γονείς σου σε αυτή τη δύσκολη στιγμή (ακόμα και να αναλάβεις τα διαδικαστικά της κηδείας), μπορεί να αντλήσει από τα συναισθηματικά σου αποθέματα, τη δική σου ενέργεια.
Πολλές φορές σκέφτεσαι: "Έχω το δικαίωμα να θρηνήσω τόσο βαθιά όσο εκείνοι;" Και από την άλλη αναρωτιέσαι: "Εμένα ποιος θα με παρηγορήσει; Ποιος θα σταθεί δυνατός για μένα;"

Θυμήσου: Έχεις το δικαίωμα και την ανάγκη να θρηνήσεις. Αξίζεις την ίδια υποστήριξη και φροντίδα με όλους τους άλλους που επηρεάστηκαν από τον θάνατο του αδερφού σου.

* Αποδέξου τις Διαφορετικές Αντιδράσεις Πένθους

Δεν υπάρχει "ο σωστός τρόπος για να θρηνήσεις". Ο καθένας θρηνεί την απώλεια διαφορετικά. Μην αφήσεις αυτές τις διαφορές να σε ανησυχήσουν ή να πληγώσουν τα συναισθήματά σου.

* Αγκάλιασε τη Θεραπευτική Δύναμη των Αντικειμένων
*Συμφιλιώσου με την Απώλεια
Αντικείμενα που ανήκαν ή σου θυμίζουν τον αδελφό που πέθανε, σε βοηθούν να αγκαλιάσεις τον πόνο της απώλειας και να προχωρήσεις προς τη συμφιλίωση. Φωτογραφίες, βίντεο, CDs, εισιτήρια από μια συναυλία ή έναν ποδοσφαιρικό αγώνα, ρούχα και δώρα του, μπορεί να σου προκαλέσουν θλίψη, πίκρα, θυμό, οδυνηρά συναισθήματα που όμως αποδεικνύονται θεραπευτικά.

Δεν ξεχνάς ποτέ, απλά συμφιλιώνεσαι με την απώλεια, και μαθαίνεις να ζεις με αυτήν. Μέσα από την απώλεια αλλάζεις για πάντα, ωριμάζεις και η ζωή σου αποκτά άλλο νόημα, πιο βαθύ.

Ο θρήνος είναι τόσο απαραίτητος όσο και η ανάσα μας. Επίλεξε να θρηνήσεις και να ανακουφιστείς. Επίλεξε να ζήσεις!

* Ξεκουράσου και κοιμήσου περισσότερο.
*Αναζήτησε υποστήριξη.
Το πένθος είναι μια εξουθενωτική, εξαντλητική διαδικασία. Δώσε στον εαυτό σου χρόνο να πονέσει και να θρηνήσει.
*Μην απομονώνεσαι.
Μπορεί να είναι δύσκολο να βρεις υποστήριξη και παρηγοριά μέσα στην οικογένεια τη στιγμή που και οι ίδιοι αντιμετωπίζουν το δικό τους πένθος. Μίλησε με άτομα εκτός της οικογένειάς σου, όπως με έναν καλό φίλο, ή έναν επαγγελματία ψυχικής υγείας. Οι Ομάδες Διαχείρισης Πένθους μπορούν να σου προσφέρουν ένα ασφαλές πλαίσιο για να αντιμετωπίσεις την απώλεια.
*Επίτρεψε στον εαυτό σου να νιώσει χαρά.
Αν και νιώθεις την ανάγκη να βυθιστείς στη μοναξιά σου, προσπάθησε να αντισταθείς. Μην απομονώνεσαι αλλά προσπάθησε να κάνεις πράγματα που σε ευχαριστούν και σου προσφέρουν μικρές απολαύσεις.
Η ζωή χωρίς τον αδερφό σου δεν θα είναι ποτέ ξανά η ίδια. Η αγάπη σας όμως δεν τελειώνει με τον θάνατο. Μπορείς και θα τον κουβαλάς μαζί σου, μέσα σου, θα τον θυμάσαι για πάντα. Και έτσι θα καταφέρεις να βρεις σιγά-σιγά τον τρόπο να συνεχίσεις.
Μην νιώθεις ενοχές όταν θες να ακούσεις την αγαπημένη σου μουσική, να χορέψεις, να απολαύσεις ένα ποτήρι κρασί. Η επιστροφή στην καθημερινότητα σού είναι απαραίτητη. Φρόντισε να γυρίσεις πίσω στη δουλειά σου, να τρως τακτικά γεύματα, να απολαμβάνεις μια βόλτα.

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Μιλώντας για την απώλεια | Όταν χάνεις τον αδερφό σου, αλλά δεν σου "επιτρέπεται" να θρηνήσεις - Barbara Karpouzou

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Πώς είναι να χάνεις ένα πολύτιμο κομμάτι του κόσμου σου, τον αδερφό σου που σου έμοιαζε τόσο πολύ, μιλούσε την ίδια γλώσσα με σένα, και είχε την ίδια χροιά φωνής; Πώς συνεχίζεις τη ζωή σου, πώς βιώνεις την απώλεια, αλλά και το γεγονός ότι η κοινωνία δεν "επιτρέπει" στα αδέρφια να θρηνούν;

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Precious Child - Gone Too Soon | Official Lyric Video

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Breathe (A Song for a grieving Mother) by Sarah Beltran

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ΣΠΥΡΟΣ ΔΙΖΕΛΟΣ

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Επεισόδιο 06- Απώλεια παιδιού και κατάθλιψη

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Ο Γιάννης Τοπαλούδης σε μία συζήτηση για την πατρότητα, την επόμενη μέρα ενός άντρα που έχει χάσει το παιδί του και τις ευθύνες της Πολιτείας.

Υπάρχει κάτι βίαιο σ' έναν πατέρα που χάνει το παιδί του. Είναι σαν η ίδια η ζωή να κοροϊδεύει τους κανόνες της. Ο Γιάννης Τοπαλούδης, στη συζήτησή μας, το περιγράφει με τον δικό του τρόπο: "Όταν κάποιος χάνει τον γονιό του γίνεται στάχτη. Όταν κάποιος χάνει το παιδί του γίνεται κάρβουνο που συνεχώς καίει".

Ο πατέρας της Ελένης Τοπαλούδη -που δολοφονήθηκε τον Νοεμβρίου 2018 στη Ρόδο- είναι το κατάλληλο πρόσωπο για να μιλήσει για την Παγκόσμια Ημέρα Πατέρα. Ένας πατέρας που έχασε το παιδί του με τον πλέον σκληρό τρόπο, ένας πατέρας που βρήκε το σθένος να ξεκινήσει έναν αγώνα μέχρι την τελική δικαίωση της μνήμης της κόρης του. Ένας πατέρας που σηκώνει τον δικό του "Σταυρό" και ζει μία δεύτερη ζωή. Μία δεύτερη ζωή που την οδηγεί το "ΠΡΕΠΕΙ". Το "πρέπει" για την οικογένειά του, για τον γιο του τον Πέτρο, για το καθήκον του απέναντι στην μνήμη της κόρης του αλλά και για το καθήκον του απέναντι στην κοινωνία. Ώστε να μην υπάρξει καμία άλλη Ελένη, Γαρυφάλλια ή Καρολάιν.

Μία συνέντευξη αποκλειστικά στο Ratpack.gr για την πατρότητα, την Ελένη, τις ευθύνες της Πολιτείας, τις αλλαγές στον Ποινικό Κώδικα και τον χρόνο που σε καμία περίπτωση δεν λειτουργεί θεραπευτικά.
ΠΑΤΡΟΤΗΤΑ
Ποιος είναι ο ορισμός της "πατρότητας";

"Πατέρας σημαίνει να είσαι σωστός οικογενειάρχης και ν' αγαπάς τη σύζυγό σου και τα παιδιά σου. Πατέρας σημαίνει να είσαι στο προσκεφάλι του παιδιού σου όταν σε χρειάζεται και σ' έχει ανάγκη. Πατέρας σημαίνει να προσφέρεις αγάπη στο παιδί σου. Για καθετί που αντιμετωπίζει θα πρέπει να βρίσκεσαι δίπλα του. Δίπλα του και πάντοτε να το συμβουλεύεις. Πατέρας δεν σημαίνει ότι γεννάω ένα παιδί και ξεμπέρδεψα. Όπως το ίδιο και για τη μάνα. Γονιός σημαίνει ότι πρέπει να είμαι δίπλα στο παιδί μου, να του προσφέρω αυτό που χρειάζεται όπως φυσικά και να το μεγαλώνω με τις αξίες που πρέπει ώστε να γίνει ένας σωστός άνθρωπος και συνάνθρωπος. Ν' αγαπάει τους συνανθρώπους του".

Το παιδί σε κάνει καλύτερο άνθρωπο; Αναφέρομαι στην οπτική ότι κάθε παιδί, ειδικά όταν είναι μικρό, έχει ως πρότυπο τους γονείς του.

"Έτσι πρέπει να γίνεται. Πρέπει να είμαι μία αμφίδρομη σχέση. Τον κυρίαρχο ρόλο τον έχει ο γονιός προς το παιδί. Αλλά βέβαια, όμως, το παιδί με την στάση του, με το χαμόγελό του όταν είναι σε μία μικρή ηλικία, ίσως και με τα κλάματά του όταν αρρωσταίνει, πρέπει να μας ευαισθητοποιεί. Να μας κάνει καλύτερους ανθρώπους. Γι' αυτό αυτή η σχέση πρέπει να είναι αμφίδρομη αλλά κυρίως ο πατέρας, ο γονιός, πρέπει να προσφέρει προς το παιδί του".
"Μεγαλύτερη αποτυχία για έναν πατέρα είναι να εκκολάπτει νταήδες ή ενδεχομένως μελλοντικούς δολοφόνους"
Ποιος είναι ο μεγαλύτερος φόβος ενός πατέρα;

"Μεγαλύτερος φόβος για έναν πατέρα είναι να χάσει το παιδί του. Στην ουσία καταστρέφεται η ίδια του η ζωή. Από κει και έπειτα, χωρίζεται η ζωή του σε δύο περιόδους. Η μία περίοδος είναι πριν σκοτωθεί ή δολοφονήσουν το παιδί του και η δεύτερη περίοδος η ζωή μετά. Αντιλαμβάνονται όλοι τι θέλω να πω. Πόσο αλλάζει άρδην η ζωή μιας οικογένειας, όταν χάσει έτσι βίαια το παιδί του".

Ποια είναι η μεγαλύτερη αποτυχία για έναν πατέρα;

"Μεγαλύτερη αποτυχία για έναν πατέρα είναι να εκκολάπτει νταήδες ή ενδεχομένως μελλοντικούς δολοφόνους. Βέβαια αυτό δεν γίνεται επειδή γνωρίζει ένας πατέρας ότι το παιδί του θα γίνει δολοφόνος αλλά με τη στάση του και τη συμπεριφορά του, όταν δεν παρεμβαίνει, όταν τον συμβουλεύουν οι εκπαιδευτικοί ότι πρέπει να δει στο παιδί του επειδή υπάρχει μια παραβατική ή επιθετική συμπεριφορά και δεν κάνει κάτι, απεναντίας προσπαθεί να προστατεύσει ή προσπαθεί να δικαιολογήσει τέτοιες συμπεριφορές, τότε εκκολάπτει μελλοντικούς εγκληματίες, δολοφόνους και βιαστές".

Ποια είναι η συμβουλή που θα δίνατε σε κάθε πατέρα με αφορμή την Παγκόσμια Ημέρα Πατέρα;

"Πρώτα μία συμβουλή προς το Κράτος και στην ελληνική Πολιτεία. Πρέπει να θεσπιστούν οργανωμένοι φορείς, που υπάρχουν αλλά λειτουργούν σπασμωδικά. Ίσως πιο συντονισμένα θα έπρεπε το Κράτος να θεσμοθετήσει φορείς που να βοηθάει ή τουλάχιστον να επιμορφώνει γονείς αλλά και μελλοντικούς γονείς. Πρώτο μέλημα είναι αυτό και θα έπρεπε το Κράτος να δει αυτό ακριβώς το ζήτημα γιατί από εκεί ξεκινάει το κακό για κάποιους, που δεν μπορούν να είναι οι γονείς που πρέπει. Από κει και πέρα, κάθε πατέρας θα πρέπει από μόνος του να ενδιαφέρεται ώστε να γίνεται καλύτερος άνθρωπος και τις ίδιες αξίες να προσπαθεί να τις περάσει και στα παιδιά του".

Κάνοντας έναν μίνι υπολογισμό όλα αυτά τα χρόνια. Είστε ο πατέρας που θέλατε να γίνατε; Θ' αλλάζατε κάτι αν γυρνούσατε τον χρόνο πίσω;

"Ο ρόλος του πατέρα, ο ρόλος του γονιού πρέπει να επιδέχεται διαρκούς επιμόρφωσης. Κάθε πατέρας, κάθε γονιός, συνεχώς, να βλέπει τις εξελίξεις. Γιατί τα κοινωνικά προβλήματα που έχει να αντιμετωπίσει κάποιος στην οικογένειά του, στο περιβάλλον του, διαρκώς εξελίσσονται. Διαρκώς δημιουργούνται νέα κοινωνικά προβλήματα και ζητήματα και γι' αυτό πρέπει πάντα να ενημερωνόμαστε".

Θυμάστε κάτι από τον δικό σας πατέρα. Κάποια συμβουλή ζωής που υιοθετήσατε;

"Ν' αγαπάς την οικογένειά σου. Έτσι μας μεγάλωσε. Ήταν όλη μέρα, από το πρωί μέχρι αργά το βράδυ στα χωράφια για να μπορέσει να μεγαλώσει εμένα και τον αδερφό μου, σέβομαι και αυτόν τον σεβασμό πρέπει να δείχνουμε όλοι προς τους γονείς μας. Στους πατεράδες μας. Γιατί αυτοί θέλουν το καλό μας, μας αγαπάνε και πρέπει εμείς αμφίδρομα, να τους προσφέρουμε την αγάπη. Να μην είμαστε αγνώμονες".
ΕΛΕΝΗ
Έχουν περάσει 3.5 χρόνια από την δολοφονία της Ελένης. Σήμερα ο πόνος και τα συναισθήματα του πένθους είναι τα ίδια ή ο χρόνος λειτουργεί θεραπευτικά;

"Καθόλου θεραπευτικά. Αυτές οι στιγμές, αυτά τα δευτερόλεπτα, που μας ενημέρωσαν γι' αυτό το τραγικό συμβάν, δεν πρόκειται να ξεχαστούν ποτέ. Τόσο από την μνήμη τη δικιά μου, όσο και από την μνήμη της μάνας της Ελένης. Αυτά δεν σβήνονται ποτέ από το μυαλό μας. Είναι χαραγμένα στην μνήμη μας. Ο χρόνος δεν γιατρεύει τίποτα απολύτως. Ο πόνος ξανάρχεται, φεύγει ενδεχομένως κάποιες στιγμές της μέρας, επανέρχεται και έτσι κυλάει η ζωή μας. Προσπαθούμε με νύχια και με δόντια να έχουμε αυτόν τον πόνο, όχι έξω από το σπίτι μας, αυτό είναι αδιανόητο, έξω από το δωμάτιο του άλλου μας του παιδιού. Όσο μπορούμε. Αλλά μπορούμε; Όταν βλέπει ο γιος μας τη μάνα ή εμένα με δακρυσμένα μάτια και λέει: "Μαμά πάλι έκλαιγες"; Έτσι η ζωή μας, τώρα πλέον, συνεχίζεται με μία λέξη: ΠΡΕΠΕΙ. Επειδή πρέπει να πάμε το παιδί μας στο σχολείο, επειδή πρέπει να διαβάσουμε μαζί του, επειδή πρέπει να πάω στην εφορία να πληρώσω τον ΕΝΦΙΑ, επειδή πρέπει να πάω στο supermarket για να ψωνίσω. Επειδή... ΠΡΕΠΕΙ. Αυτό το πρέπει έχει μπει στη ζωή μας, μετά τον θάνατο του παιδιού μας".
"Όταν κάποιος χάνει τον γονιό του γίνεται στάχτη. Όταν κάποιος χάνει το παιδί του γίνεται κάρβουνο που συνεχώς καίει"
Πόση δύναμη χρειάζεται ένας πατέρας, μόλις μάθει το πιο τραγικό συμβάν που μπορεί να του συμβεί, να σταθεί και να δώσει έναν αγώνα που κανείς δεν μπορεί να φανταστεί; Δεν είναι μόνο η συνειδητοποίηση πως έχει χάσει το παιδί, δεν είναι μόνο το πένθος που πρέπει να διαχειριστεί αλλά και το να βρει τη δύναμη να ξεκινήσει έναν αγώνα για τη δικαίωσή του.

"Εκείνες τις στιγμές χάνεται ο κόσμος κάτω από τα πόδια σου. Σαν να σβήνει η στιγμή σου, στιγμιαία. Σαν να τελειώνει η ζωή σου εκείνη τη στιγμή. Από κει και μετά, προσπαθείς να διαχειριστείς αυτό το συμβάν. Υπάρχουν στάδια που τα γνωρίζουν καλύτερα οι ψυχολόγοι. Το πώς δαιχειρίζεται ο καθένας τον πόνο του. Ο καθένας τον διαχειρίζεται με διαφορετικό τρόπο. Άλλος κλείνεται στον εαυτό του, άλλος βγάζει μίσος, υπάρχουν διάφορα στάδια και ο κάθε ένας βιώνει τον πόνο διαφορετικά. Τι να πω. Κανένας γονιός, κανένας πατέρας, καμία μάνα, να μην βιώσει αυτό που βιώνουμε εμείς. Ίσως ο Χριστός μάς έχει δώσει στον καθένα μας να κουβαλάμε από έναν Σταυρό. Και ίσως σ' εμάς είδε ότι μπορούμε να κουβαλήσουμε έναν τεράστιο Σταυρό για όλη την υπόλοιπη διάρκεια της ζωής μας. Ίσως να είδε ότι έχουμε μέσα μας κάποιες ψυχικές δυνάμεις. Και από κει και μετά, αυτό που μας δίνει σθένος και δύναμη είναι ότι κάτι πρέπει να κάνουμε για να μην υπάρξει καμία άλλη Ελένη, καμία άλλη Γαρυφαλλιά, καμία άλλη Καρολάιν, κανένας άλλος Παύλος Φύσσας, κανένας άλλος Ζακ, κανένα άλλο παιδί που έχει χάσει τη ζωή του άδικα και με εγκληματικό τρόπο. Αυτό μας δίνει δύναμη για να μην υπάρξει κανένα άλλο παιδί".

Όταν ο πατέρας χάνει το παιδί του είναι σαν η ίδια η ζωή να κοροϊδεύει τους κανόνες της;

"Όταν κάποιος χάνει τον γονιό του γίνεται στάχτη. Όταν κάποιος χάνει το παιδί του γίνεται κάρβουνο που συνεχώς καίει".

Ένας πατέρας που χάνει το παιδί του συνεχίζει να κρατάει την ιδιότητα του πατέρα; Αναφέρομαι στις περιπτώσεις που ένας πατέρας έχει μόνο ένα παιδί και εκείνο φεύγει από τη ζωή.

"Ο πατέρας και η μάνα που φέρνουν στον κόσμο ένα παιδί, είναι πατέρας και μάνα εσαεί"

Πώς είναι η καθημερινότητά σας πλέον; Γιατί εκτός από την Ελένη, έχετε ακόμη ένα παιδί, τον Πέτρο. Βλέπετε καθόλου την Ελένη μέσα στα μάτια του;

"Προσπαθούμε να μην κάνουμε αυτόν τον αντικατοπτρισμό. Μέσα από τα μάτια του Πέτρου να βλέπουμε την Ελένη. Βέβαια αυτό δεν μπορούμε να το αποφύγουμε, ειδικά μέσα στο σπίτι. Όταν βλέπουμε αντικείμενα, ρούχα, εικόνες, φωτογραφίες της Ελένης, παντού γύρω. Όταν παντού γύρω μυρίζει και φαίνεται η Ελένη, εμείς δεν μπορούμε ν' αποφύγουμε τα δάκρυά μας. Αλλά, προς Θεού, προσπαθούμε να αποφύγουμε αυτό που είπαμε προηγουμένως. Στα μάτια του Πέτρου να καθρεφτίζουμε τα μάτια της Ελένης. Βέβαια η ευχή μας θα ήταν, όσο πιο γρήγορα να κυλήσουν τα χρόνια, ώστε το παιδί που είναι στη ζωή να παντρευτεί, να κάνει τη δική του οικογένεια και τα εγγόνια που θα έρθουν ίσως λίγο απαλύνουν τον πόνο μας. Και μακάρι να υπάρχει ένα κορίτσι που να το ονομάσει Ελένη".

Υπάρχει κάτι το αισιόδοξο και ελπιδοφόρο για έναν πατέρα που χάνει τα παιδιά του; Κάτι που θα βρει παρηγοριά;

"Λίγη παρηγοριά υπάρχει στο άλλο το παιδί. Μακάρι κάθε οικογένεια να έχει παιδιά στη ζωή και να είναι οι συμπαραστάτες του, οι συνοδοιπόροι του και το νόημα της ζωής τους πλέον. Από κει και μετά, αν δεν υπάρχουν άλλα παιδιά στην οικογένεια, η κατάσταση γίνεται ακόμη πιο τραγική και δύσκολη".
Την είδα στον ύπνο μου να είμαστε εδώ στο Διδυμότειχο να περπατάμε μαζί και να λέει: "Πατέρα πάρε μου κι αυτά τα ρούχα που έχει στην βιτρίνα". Και λέω "Κορίτσι μου εκεί που είσαι δεν σου χρειάζονται, τι θα τα κάνεις;".
Αισθάνεστε άτυχος; Έχει αναρωτηθεί ποτέ αυτό το "γιατί σε μένα";

"Δυστυχώς το λέμε πολλές φορές. Λέμε πολλές φορές: "Γιατί σε μένα Θεέ μου ή μήπως θα μπορούσε ο Θεός να κάνει κάτι για το κορίτσι μας". Αυτά περνούν πολλές φορές από το μυαλό μας. Αυτό το "γιατί" περνάει πάντα από τη ζωή μας. Αναγκαστικά σε κάθε γονιό είναι μέσα του. Είναι στο υποσυνείδητό του. Η απάντηση πρέπει να δοθεί από τους γονείς των εγκληματιών και ενδεχομένως από τους ίδιους τους φορείς της Πολιτείας που αποφασίζουν και ίσως θα μπορούσαν να κάνουν κάτι καλύτερο που να προστατεύει ακόμη περισσότερο τα παιδιά μας. Πάντως, θέλω να τονίσω, να μην αδιαφορούμε για τους γύρω μας και για ό,τι γίνεται γύρω μας. Γιατί μπορεί να ήταν πριν 3.5 χρόνια η Ελένη μας, πριν από λίγο καιρό η Γαρυφαλλιά ή η Καρολάιν ή όλα αυτά παιδιά. Μεθαύριο αυτό το κακό μπορεί να χτυπήσει και τη δική μας την πόρτα αν δεν είμαστε ευαισθητοποιημένοι και να μην είμαστε άνθρωποι του καναπέ. Επιτέλους πρέπει να δράσουμε. Όπως και όσο μπορεί ο καθένας. Να μην εθελοτυφλούμε. Άλλωστε η σιωπή είναι συνενοχή".

Την σκέφτεστε καθημερινά. Αλλά πόσες φορές την έχετε δει στον ύπνο σας;

"Την έχω δει δύο φορές. Το πιο συχνό είναι που έρχονται διάφοροι εφιάλτες στον ύπνο μας, στην προσπάθειά μας να ηρεμήσουμε. Τις τελευταίες στιγμές του παιδιού μας, τις βασανιστικές. Εγώ είδα την Ελένη μας, όταν ήταν ακριβώς στα "40", και την είχα δει ως εξής: Επειδή το 2018 τον Αύγουστο ήμασταν στην Αθήνα και ήταν στο υπουργείο Εξωτερικών και έκανε την πρακτική της και είχαμε πάει στην Ερμού στον πεζόδρομο από κάποιο κατάστημα να πάρουμε κάποια ρούχα. Και την είδα στον ύπνο μου να είμαστε εδώ στο Διδυμότειχο να περπατάμε μαζί και να λέει: "Πατέρα πάρε μου κι αυτά τα ρούχα που έχει στην βιτρίνα". Και λέω "Κορίτσι μου εκεί που είσαι δεν σου χρειάζονται, τι θα τα κάνεις;". Και η δεύτερη στην διάρκεια των δικαστηρίων του Εφετείου όταν πήγα ν' ανοίξω την πόρτα του πατρικού μας, που είναι η μητέρα μου εκεί, κι αντί ν' ανοίξει την πόρτα η μητέρα μου, είδα την Ελένη μ' ένα τεράστιο χαμόγελο ν' ανοίγει την πόρτα".

Ποια είναι η πιο όμορφη ιστορία που θυμάστε με την Ελένη. Εκείνη η ιστορία που κανείς δεν μπορεί να την "κλέψει";

"Γενικά θα έλεγα ότι ήταν ένα πρόσχαρο και χαμογελαστό κορίτσι. Ένα κορίτσι δοτικό που προσπαθούσε να βοηθάει τους συνανθρώπους της. Έτσι την θυμόμαστε και έτσι έχει μείνει μέσα στην ψυχή μας. Τι να πρωτοθυμηθώ. Όταν την ντύσαμε παρανυφάκι όταν ήταν σε μικρή ηλικία, στα διάφορα θεατρικά και σκετς που είχε, την πρώτη της εκδρομή στην Ουγγαρία, όταν συμπλήρωσε τα 18 της χρόνια και αφού σβήσαμε την τούρτα, την ανέβασα στο αυτοκίνητο και της έδειξα σιγά σιγά πως να πάρει μαθήματα οδήγησης και είχε αρχίσει να ιδρώνει. Την ενθουσίασε αυτό, η πρώτη της προσπάθεια να μπει στο τιμόνι".
ΠΟΙΝΙΚΟΣ ΚΩΔΙΚΑΣ
Πιστεύετε ότι πρέπει ν' αλλάξει ο Ποινικός Κώδικας; Να αυστηροποιηθούν οι ποινές για τόσο αποτρόπαιες πράξεις;

"Αυτό το ζητάμε από την πρώτη στιγμή γιατί θεωρούμε πως πρέπει να είναι το πρώτο βήμα, το πιο άμεσο, για να δημιουργήσουμε ένα πιο προστατευτικό περιβάλλον για τα παιδιά μας. Το πιο άμεσο, λοιπόν, είναι αυτή η αλλαγή του Ποινικού Κώδικα. Εκτός από τον Ποινικό Κώδικα ζητάμε την αλλαγή και την τροποποίηση του συστήματος. Του Κώδικα Ποινικής Δικονομίας. Γι' αυτό και ζητάμε συνάντηση με τον Πρωθυπουργό. Όχι μόνο εμείς αλλά όλοι οι γονείς που έχουν χάσει έτσι τα παιδιά μας. Ζητάμε συνάντηση με τον Πρωθυπουργό αλλά και με όλους τους Προέδρους των κομμάτων, διότι είναι ένα μέγιστο κοινωνικό ζήτημα. Και πρέπει από όλους να υπάρχει συμπαράταξη. Να υπάρξουν στοχεύσεις συγκεκριμένες. Αυστηροποίηση των ποινών και τα ισόβια να εκτίονται στο ακέραιο. Όσο είναι τώρα. 25 χρόνια; Θα μπορούσε να είναι και 30 χρόνια. Σε άλλες χώρες της Ευρωπαϊκής Ένωσης είναι περισσότερα χρόνια τα ισόβια. Αυτό είναι το πρώτιστο. Το δεύτερο είναι να μην δέχονται ελαφρυντικά, ψευτοελαφρυντικά θα τα χαρακτήριζα εγώ. Ή διάφορα θεατρινίστικα καμώματα μέσα από υποδείξεις συγκεκριμένων δικηγορίσκων, θα τους ονόμαζα εγώ. Όπως τα ψευτοδικαιολογητικά από ψυχιάτρους, από κάποιες ψευτοσυγγνώμες, από οτιδήποτε μπορούν να σκαρφιστούν. Να σταματήσει αυτή η κοροϊδία. Επίσης και το πιο σημαντικό, δεν γίνεται να εκτίονται τα 2/3 των ποινών. Για εμάς υπάρχει τέτοια ελάφρυνση; Η ζωή μας μετά τα 2/3 θα γίνει καλή; Θα γίνει όπως ήταν πριν; Και αυτοί θα έχουν το δικαίωμα μετά από πόσα χρόνια να βγαίνουν έξω με αδειούλες, να κάνουν τις εκδρομούλες τους και αυτό θα πρέπει να απαγορευτεί για τέτοια "τέρατα" που κάνουν τέτοια ειδεχθή εγκλήματα. Αυτά όσον αφορά τον Ποινικό Κώδικα και την αυστηροποίηση. Σε ό,τι αφορά τον Κώδικα Ποινικής Δικονομίας θα πρέπει πλέον αυτήν την ταλαιπωρία που βιώσαμε εμείς και Πρωτοδίκως και στον δεύτερο βαθμό να σταματήσει. Τι προτείνουμε εμείς; Γι' αυτά τα εγκλήματα να ορίζονται συνεχόμενοι δικάσιμοι, αν προκύψει κάτι να υπάρξει μία ολιγοήμερη διακοπή αλλά δεν μπορούμε να διανύουμε 2.000 χιλιόμετρα κάθε φορά. Προσωπικά θα έπρεπε να έχω 1.000 ευρώ κάθε φορά για να πηγαινοέρχομαι στην Αθήνα. Αναρωτήθηκε κανείς από το ελληνικό Κράτος αν έχουμε αυτήν την δυνατότητα; Να πω και για το Εφετείο. Είναι δυνατόν να κάνουν έφεση οι εγκληματίες για να μειώσουν τις ποινές τους και να είμαι εγώ υποχρεωμένος να πληρώνω τα παράβολα των δικηγόρων και τις αμοιβές. Δεν θα έπρεπε αυτά να είναι μέσα στα έξοδα που θα κάλυπταν αυτοί οι δολοφόνοι, εφόσον ήθελαν να κάνουν έφεση; Ή να πληρωνόντουσαν από την ελληνική κοινωνία.

Υπάρχει δικαίωση που μπορεί να έρθει από την αίθουσα ενός δικαστηρίου; Ένας νόμος που πραγματικά θα δικαιώνει τους γονείς;

"Θα έπρεπε τα ισόβια να εκτίονται στο ακέραιο. Αλλά και πάλι θα βγουν σε κάποια χρονάκια έξω. Η δικαίωση είναι ότι επιβλήθηκαν ομόφωνα οι ποινές που ήταν το ανώτατο που προβλέπονταν εκείνο το χρονικό διάστημα από τον ελληνικό Ποινικό Κώδικα. Είναι μία στιγμιαία ηθική δικαίωση, ωστόσο δεν παύει να ζητάμε την αυστηροποίηση των ποινών".

Είναι μία στιγμιαία χαρά ή κι ένα καθήκον απέναντι στην Ελένη;

"Και τα δύο. Ένας αγώνας ο οποίος έγινε και για τη δικαίωση της οικογένειας και για τη δικαίωση της μνήμης της Ελένης. Και δικαίωση σύσσωμης της ελληνικής κοινωνίας που μας συμπαραστάθηκε από την πρώτη στιγμή".
Φοβάμαι ότι κάθε γονιός που έχει χάσει έτσι το παιδί του, δεν έχει τη δύναμη να δώσει συγχώρεση στους εγκληματίες του παιδιού του. Ο Θεός μπορεί να κρίνει και να αποφασίσει ανάλογα
Υπάρχει σωφρονισμός;

"Γι' αυτά τα "τέρατα", το σύστημά μας θα έπρεπε να ονομάζεται ΤΙΜΩΡΗΤΙΚΟ. Όχι σωφρονιστικό. Ο σωφρονισμός θα γίνει για κάποιον ανθρωπάκο που δεν είχε να φάει και έκανε μία ληστεία. Λυπάμαι που το λέω, αλλά για τέτοια τέρατα σωφρονισμός αποκλείεται να υπάρξει. Μόνο τιμωρία. Δηλαδή αυτά τα άτομα θα βγουν μετά από 18 χρόνια και θα είναι λευκές περιστερές και θα γίνουν συνάνθρωποι; Εγώ θα κάνω και μια ερώτηση: Εσείς θα τους θέλατε για γείτονες όταν θα βγουν έξω;".

Θεωρείτε πως θα υπάρξει αυτή η μέρα που θα βρείτε την δύναμη, το κουράγιο, τη μεγαλοψυχία να τους συγχωρήσετε;

"Όχι. Συγγνώμη θα πρέπει να ζητήσουν από τον ίδιο τον Θεό. Ούτε εγώ, ούτε η μάνα της Ελένης, είμαστε τόσο μεγαλόψυχοι. Φοβάμαι ότι κάθε γονιός που έχει χάσει έτσι το παιδί του, δεν έχει τη δύναμη να δώσει συγχώρεση στους εγκληματίες του παιδιού του. Ο Θεός μπορεί να κρίνει και να αποφασίσει ανάλογα".

Έχετε συναντηθεί ποτέ με τους γονείς τους; Θεωρείτε ότι έχουν μερίδιο ευθύνης, έχοντας ως δεδομένο ότι τα παιδιά είναι ο καθρέφτης των γονιών;

"Τώρα ήταν ο πατέρας ενός από τους δύο. Κανένας άλλος. Πρωτοδίκως είχαμε δει τη γιαγιά και την αδερφή του άλλου. Τέτοια ώρα, τέτοια λόγια. Εγώ είπα δύο πράγματα: "Μακάρι να μην είχαν συμβεί αυτά και να βρισκόμασταν υπό άλλες συνθήκες. Μακάρι να γυρνούσε το παιδί μας πίσω και να μην βρισκόμασταν εδώ". Αυτό το είπα πρωτοδίκως στον πατέρα ενός από τους δύο. Και του έθεσα και το άλλο ερώτημα: "Όταν σε συμβούλευαν και σου έλεγαν οι εκπαιδευτικοί ότι το παιδί σου έχει επιθετική συμπεριφορά γιατί δεν έκανες κάτι και πήγες και έβριζες και έφτυνες τους εκπαιδευτικούς. Είχαν κάτι με σένα και το παιδί σου"; Η απάντηση βέβαια ήταν... σιωπή".
Να μπει ο όρος οικογενειοκτονία στον Ποινικό Κώδικα και καταλαβαίνουμε όλοι τι εννοώ. Ότι δολοφονείται ολόκληρη η οικογένεια. Και ψυχικά και οικονομικά και κοινωνικά.
Μέσα στην αίθουσα του δικαστηρίου, πολλές φορές προσβάλλεται η υπόληψη και η τιμή του θύματος. Πόσο δύσκολο είναι να διαχειριστεί ένας πατέρας τα συναισθήματά του όταν έχει χάσει το παιδί του και η υπεράσπιση σπιλώνει την ψυχή και το όνομα για χάρη του πελάτη της;

"Δεν αντέχει κανένας γονιός ν' ακούει μία τέτοια ύβρις προς το πεθαμένο παιδί του. Νομίζω ότι θα έπρεπε να επιληφθεί γι' αυτό το θέμα και από τον Κώδικα Ποινικής Δικονομίας, να υπάρχουν κάποια όρια γι' αυτό το θέμα. Κάθε φορά κάποιοι προσπαθούν να σπιλώσουν την μνήμη νεκρού ανθρώπου. Νομίζω πως είναι και άρθρο του Ποινικού Κώδικα. Δεν μπορεί ο καθένας να βρίζει και να υπάρχει προσβολή μνήμης νεκρού".

Εκτός από το θύμα, υπάρχει και μια οικογένεια από πίσω που θρηνεί που έχει διαλυθεί που η ζωή της καταστράφηκε μέσα σ' ένα δευτερόλεπτο. Σαν να κόπηκε το νήμα της δική της ζωή. Μήπως έφτασε η στιγμή να μπει και ο όρος "οικογενειοκτονία" στον Ποινικό Κώδικα; Ως μία δικαίωση των οικογενειών που πραγματικά υποφέρουν;

"Βρίσκονται στον τομέα και τις αλλαγές που είπαμε προηγουμένως. Απορώ γιατί δειλιάζουν τόσα χρόνια οι εκάστοτε κυβερνώντες ώστε να τα βάλουν μέσα στους Ποινικούς μας Κώδικες. Το έχουμε θέσει και στην Πρόεδρο της Ελληνικής Δημοκρατίας. Να μπει ο όρος οικογενειοκτονία στον Ποινικό Κώδικα και καταλαβαίνουμε όλοι τι εννοώ. Ότι δολοφονείται ολόκληρη η οικογένεια. Και ψυχικά και οικονομικά και κοινωνικά. Για το "γαμώτο" να πληρώνει κάποιος γι' αυτήν την οικογένεια. Έστω πέντε χρόνια φυλάκιση, γι' αυτό που "προσφέρουν" τόσο απλόχερα στην οικογένεια του θύματος. Στη συνάντηση που θέλουμε να γίνουμε και με τον Πρωθυπουργό και με τους αρχηγούς των κομμάτων, για το Υπουργείο Δικαιοσύνης, για τον Ποινικό Κώδικα και τον Κώδικα Ποινικής Δικονομίας, για τα χρήματα που δαπανώνται στο Εφετείο από τη μεριά της οικογένειας του θύματος, για το ότι κάθε οικογένεια έχει ένα σωρό κοινωνικά προβλήματα να αντιμετωπίσει, πού είναι το Κράτος να στηρίξει; Να στηρίξει κάποια ορφανά παιδιά που μένουν πίσω; Υπάρχει κάποιος φορέας στο ελληνικό κράτος να στέλνει κάποιον ψυχολόγο στις οικογένειες; Δυστυχώς όχι. Λυπάμαι που το λέω. Μπορεί μια οικογένεια να αντεπεξέλθει έστω οικονομικά; Εγώ αν δεν είχα 10.000 ευρώ που πήρα από τη μητέρα μου, ακόμη το παιδί μου θα ήταν στην Ρόδο. Το κράτος είναι ΑΠΩΝ".
Πηγή Ratpack.gr

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Γιάννης Τοπαλούδης: Οι δύο ζωές ενός πατέρα που χάνει το παιδί του - EvrosOnline.gr (Alexpoli.gr)

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Ο Γιάννης Τοπαλούδης σε μία συζήτηση για την πατρότητα, την επόμενη μέρα ενός άντρα που έχει χάσει το παιδί του και τις ευθύνες της Πολιτείας. Υπάρχει κάτι βίαιο σ' έναν πατέρα που χάνει το παιδί του. Είναι σαν η ίδια η ζωή να κοροϊδεύει τους κανόνες της.

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για τα αδέρφια

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* Βρεφική και πρώτη νηπιακή ηλικία (μέχρι 3 ετών): Στην ηλικία αυτή τοπαιδί δεν αντιλαμβάνεται την έννοια του θανάτου, είναι όμως ικανό να διαπιστώσει την απουσία και τη θλίψη των ενηλίκων, η οποία αντικατοπτρίζεται στη συμπεριφορά τους απέναντί του. Συνήθως τα παιδιά σε αυτές τις ηλικίες καθώς δεν μπορούν να εκφράσουν λεκτικά αυτό που νιώθουν, αντιδρούν με πιθανές διαταραχές στον ύπνο, εμφανίζουν προβλήματα στην διατροφή τους και επίμονες συμπεριφορές ευερεθιστότητας.

* Προσχολική ηλικία (3 έως 6 ετών): Σε αυτή την ηλικία η ικανότητα αντίληψης της έννοιας του θανάτου και των συνεπειών του είναι πολύ περιορισμένη. Μπορούν να αντιληφθούν το θάνατο σαν αποχωρισμό αλλά δεν μπορούν να συνειδητοποιήσουν την μονιμότητα του γεγονότος. Πιστεύουν δηλαδή ότι αυτός που πέθανε μπορεί να επιστρέψει. Στην ηλικία αυτή εμφανίζεται η "μαγική σκέψη" καθώς τα παιδιά πιστεύουν πως με τις λέξεις, ενέργειες και σκέψεις τους μπορούν να προκαλέσουν το θάνατο. Είναι συχνό το φαινόμενο παιδιά αυτών των ηλικιών να παρουσιάζουν συμπεριφορές παλινδρόμησης όπως νυχτερινή ενούρηση, να πιπιλίζουν το δάχτυλο κτλ

* Σχολική ηλικία (έως 10-12 ετών): Παιδιά αυτής της ηλικίας αρχίζουν να κατανοούν την μονιμότητα του θανάτου ότι δηλαδή είναι ένα μη αναστρέψιμο γεγονός αλλά πολλές φορές θεωρούν ότι συμβαίνει μόνο στους άλλους. Είναι συνήθης η εμφάνιση φοβιών, δυσκολιών στη μάθηση, διαταραχών της διάθεσης όπως και έντονα επιθετική συμπεριφορά.

* Εφηβική ηλικία: Οι περισσότεροι έφηβοι είναι σε θέση να κατανοήσουν πλήρως τη μονιμότητα και το νόημα του θανάτου. Μπορεί να προτρέξουν σε φίλους ή μέλη της οικογένειας τους για συμπαράσταση ή μπορεί να απομονωθούν και να προσπαθήσουν από μόνοι τους να διαχειριστούν τα συναισθήματα απώλειας και πένθους που βιώνουν. Ο έφηβος επίσης μπορεί να αντιδράσει με κυνικό τρόπο απέναντί στο θάνατο αγαπημένου προσώπου ή υπό τον φόβο και την άρνηση να μην δείξει τα πραγματικά του συναισθήματα , να θεωρηθεί αναίσθητος/η από τους υπόλοιπους πενθούντες. Συνήθεις αντιδράσεις κατά την εφηβική ηλικία είναι οι αγχώδεις εκδηλώσεις, παρατεταμένος και φαινομενικά αδικαιολόγητος θυμός, σχολική αποτυχία, απαισιοδοξία για το μέλλον, διατροφικές διαταραχές, απομόνωση, προκλητική- παραπτωματική συμπεριφορά, έντονη θλίψη.

Είναι σημαντικό να αναφέρουμε ότι σημαντικό ρόλο στην κατανόηση της έννοιας του θανάτου, εκτός από την ηλικία ρόλο παίζει και η νοητική και συναισθηματική ανάπτυξη του παιδιού, η προσωπικότητα του και προσωπικές του εμπειρίες σε σχέση με το θάνατο.

Συμβουλές πώς στηρίζουμε το παιδί που θρηνεί;
* Ενημερώνοντάς το έγκαιρα, αξιόπιστα και με απλά λόγια.
* Το πένθος χρειάζεται να εκφραστεί και ενθαρρύνεται τα παιδιά να μιλήσουν για την απώλεια. Απόφυγε να στέλνεις το μήνυμα ότι η διαδικασία του πένθους πρέπει να τελειώσει. Ο σκοπός αυτής της διαδικασίας είναι άλλωστε να βοηθήσει το άτομο να μάθει να αποδεχτεί την πραγματικότητα της απώλειας και να διδαχτεί από την εμπειρία. Η πρώιμη διακοπή της διαδικασίας εμποδίζει το παιδί από το να φτάσει στο στάδιο της αποδοχής και έτσι να ολοκληρώσει τη διαδικασία του πένθους. Φροντίζουμε να ακούμε με προσοχή τα παιδιά και να απαντούμε με ειλικρίνεια στις ερωτήσεις τους.

* Επιτρέψτε στο παιδί να συμμετέχει σε οικογενειακές εκδηλώσεις πένθους, εφόσον το επιθυμεί. Η απώλεια ενός μέλους αφορά όλη την οικογένεια και δεν υπάρχει λόγος να αποκλείεται κανείς από τον οικογενειακό θρήνο. Η συμμετοχή του παιδιού στις εκδηλώσεις πένθους, όπως η κηδεία, το μνημόσυνο, η επίσκεψη στον τάφο, απαιτεί καλή προετοιμασία. Εξηγήστε με απλό τρόπο, τι είναι η κηδεία ή το μνημόσυνο, και τι ακριβώς θα συμβεί στη διάρκεια της τελετής. Ρωτήστε το, αν θα ήθελε να παρευρεθεί στην τελετή και σε περίπτωση που το επιθυμεί, φροντίστε να βρίσκεται μαζί με κάποιον, που θα είναι σε θέση να το στηρίξει και να ανταποκριθεί σε όποιες ανάγκες προκύψουν. Σχετικά με το αν ένα παιδί επιτρέπεται να δει τον θανόντα ή να παρακολουθήσει την τελετή της κηδείας εξαρτάται απόλυτα από την ηλικία του παιδιού και την ικανότητά του να κατανοήσει την κατάσταση, την ψυχοσυναισθηματική του ιδιοσυγκρασία, τη σχέση του με τον θανόντα και πολύ περισσότερο αν το ίδιο το παιδί θέλει να εμπλακεί στη διαδικασία

* Εξασφαλίζουμε τη συνέχεια και τη σταθερότητα στις συνθήκες ζωής του. Υπάρχουν αρκετές αλλαγές στη ζωή του παιδιού μετά από μια απώλεια. Βοηθήστε τα παιδιά να ξυπνάνε το πρωί κανονικά, να πηγαίνουν το βράδυ για ύπνο στην κανονική τους ώρα, να γευματίζουν τις ίδιες ώρες όπως και πριν. Ενημερώστε το σχολείο για την απώλεια που βιώνει το παιδί, έτσι ώστε και οι εκπαιδευτικοί που είναι κοντά του να είναι έτοιμοι να το στηρίξουν και να ανταποκριθούν στις ανάγκες του.

* Βοηθήστε το παιδί να βρει τρόπους για να διατηρήσει ζωντανή την ανάμνηση του αγαπημένου του προσώπου, μέσα από κάποιο αντικείμενο που του θυμίζει, ή τη δημιουργία ενός άλμπουμ με φωτογραφίες του.

* Υποστηρίξτε το παιδί σε συνεχή βάση. Επειδή ο θρήνος είναι μια μακρόχρονη διεργασία, είναι σημαντικό να υπάρχει η δυνατότητα για συνεχή υποστήριξη, τόσο από τα μέλη της οικογένειας, όσο και από άλλα άτομα, που είναι σημαντικά στη ζωή του παιδιού

Πότε πρέπει να ζητήσουμε την βοήθεια από ειδικό Ψυχικής Υγείας - ψυχίατρο, ψυχολόγο;

Οι εκδηλώσεις θρήνου στα παιδιά είναι απόλυτα φυσιολογικές όπως είναι τα ξεσπάσματα θυμού ή κλάματος, οι διάφοροι φόβοι, αλλαγές στη συμπεριφορά, παλινδρόμηση σε προηγούμενα αναπτυξιακά στάδια, σωματικά συμπτώματα κτλ. Παρόλα αυτά όταν οι αντιδράσεις των παιδιών παραμένουν για μεγάλο χρονικό διάστημα και προκαλούν σοβαρή έκπτωση στη λειτουργικότητα τους πρέπει τότε να αναζητήσουμε βοήθεια από ειδικό. Για παράδειγμα όταν το παιδί παρουσιάζει επίμονες σκέψεις αυτοκτονίας, όταν υπάρχουν παρατεταμένες διαταραχές στην διατροφή και στον ύπνο, όταν υπάρχουν σοβαρά προβλήματα στο σχολικό πλαίσιο γενικότερα.

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Πένθος στα παιδιά. Συμβουλές πως στηρίζουμε το παιδί που θρηνεί απώλεια - θάνατο.

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Βρεφική και πρώτη νηπιακή ηλικία (μέχρι 3 ετών): Στην ηλικία αυτή τοπαιδί δεν αντιλαμβάνεται την έννοια του θανάτου, είναι όμως ικανό να διαπιστώσει την απουσία και τη θλίψη των ενηλίκων, η οποία αντικατοπτρίζεται στη συμπεριφορά τους απέναντί του.