# data[].attributes.body
It has been a while.

It still hurts, it still hunts me. I sometimes feel the pain lurking around but I hope time comes sooner for it to be gone.

I know that healing is a journey but I want to badly reach the acceptance stage. I'm tired of always thinking of you, or hoping you'd win me back.

All the while you're enjoying yourself with whatever vices you currently do (sex, shrooms, weeds, porn, idk).

I know you don't deserve me. I'm way way better and good for you. I don't deserve all the pain and trauma you have caused me and I no longer want to be with you or even marry you in the future BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS. I STILL HOPE YOU'D WIN ME BACK OR STILL LOVE ME. I'm emotionally tired of having to act that I got my shit together, that I'm okay because the pain is killing me.

# data[].attributes.body
I love you so much

# data[].attributes.body
How can I heal from this kind of pain?

How did we get to this point?

I just wished you've loved me more

# data[].attributes.body
May God bless me with a heart to accept and let go

If only begging you to stay could change everything, I'll do it but then you'll be unhappy. I don't want you to feel compelled or obligated because you're supposed to enjoy and be happy with someone you love... but maybe you no longer love me. Maybe, you hold on to the fear of regret. I hope you see in your what it truly wants.

I love you so much, Enzi.

# data[].attributes.body
I love you so much

# data[].attributes.body
Not sure how I'm ever gonna heal if I'm constantly reminded that you both exist and see each other at the same place for more than 8 hours every-fucking-day.

I never wanted to be this nosy and paranoid girlfriend or - idk - special someone (?).

I'm hating the person I'm becoming more and more each day.

# data[].attributes.body
Too lenient, too understanding, and a pushover that I've been walked over and lied to again and again and again.

Are there any other things that you've lied to me about? I have a lot of things to ask you but I didn't want to disturb your sleep and you seemed not interested to talk it through so I guess I have to keep it in. AGAIN.

Messy and tiring but no one to blame but me - I deserve what I tolerate.

# data[].attributes.body
One of the shittiest things you could ever do to me. You've disrespected me and have crossed the boundaries.

I will forever dread Fridays because of all the things you've done and kept doing to me.

Thought I wasn't deserving of you, of your love, and everything you've showered. I placed you on a pedestal but turns out -- you were an asshole. You've ticked all my non-negotiables from deleting messages, lying, and now this.

I don't deserve all the shit you've done to me.

# data[].attributes.body
Yesterday, I finally had the courage to slowly cut our communication. It was hard, really really hard. I even didn't know if I was sure of what I was asking.

For the past few weeks, I have been contemplating if our set-up was worth the emotional exhaustion I was feeling. Cutting you off was an easy idea but definitely a difficult one to do. I have been used of receiving your messages and updates. I can't even sleep on Friday nights or Sat mornings because I have to be up and know that you went home safe.

My world revolves around you -- slash that, you were my world. Felt like we've broken up yet again. I'm not sure if I can do this but I no longer want myself to settle for breadcrumbs. :(

Like what I said in my tweets, I'll love you from afar until you finally found what you've been looking for. I'm here, I always got you. I'll love you always, my Enzi.

# data[].attributes.body
We went to Tops last night. It was yet another wonderful night.

My heart was very happy, at peace, and full. You're the only person who can do that. I savored the moment - you and me at my most favorite place in Cebu.

I was happy but sad at the same time because I'm not sure if I'll ever get the chance to spend the same night with you. You and the place were my breather and it breaks my heart that while we recently had our breakup, Tops will temporarily be closed as well.

I'm trying to get my shit together but everytime I feel I'm okay, just made me realize how lost and fucked up I am now. I know that pain is part of loving and healing but I still can't comprehend it enough to embrace it. I've been completely demotivated but I don't have the luxury to sulk, cry, and isolate.

I wish there have been an easier way to acknowledge the pain, to let you go (even if we both don't want to), and to heal.

I love you so much that it really hurts so bad.

# data[].attributes.body
I was repeatedly told to not let my guards down and succumb on your invites or messages. I failed.

Right after our property exam, before responding to your message "Ari kaa?", I was fixated on going there. No apologies, no explanation from you, just a plain question if I'd go to your place. My cheap and pathetic self gave in and went ahead to your place.

I had a great Saturday night and Sunday "day". We talked and clarified things. I seem to openly accept everything, but deep down I know I was signing myself up, yet again, for a below bare minimum and shit set-up I don't think I deserve.

I am happy when I'm with you. I don't feel the wall, the unlabelled relationship, and the fear but whenever I had back home, realization always hit me - I have settled for breadcrumbs, I begged for the very little amount of time, attention, and love that you're willing to give me.

I don't know how long I can get by but I'm hoping you'd finally make up your mind before I finally choose myself. I love you and I don't think I'll ever had the capacity to love someone like I do with you.

Please, give my Enzi back to me. :(

# data[].attributes.body
I felt so cheap and pathetic. I've never been mad at myself like this.

Why would you have that kind of routine sa messages? Mornin' with all the shared videos and reactions from your messages?? I can't believe na you've moved from platforms to platforms and deleted every shit messages you had with her for what? Make sure I don't see it?

If you don't have plans on pursuing or let alone flirting with her, you should have not entertained the act in the first place. Kay you don't even do that same shit with your other workmates, only to her.

Fuck you for making me question my judgment when all along you've been doing this. You claim to love me but you have repeatedly, without remorse, hurt me.

Not having plans or not flirting is somewhat like this siguro -- a medical student, with an undergrad degree in UP and part of the top 5 of his class, messages me on Instagram and messenger. I kept his account restricted on IG and left him on message request sa messenger because I don't have intentions of entertaining him. He even asked me last night if I wanted a coffee but he didn't receive any response from me because again I don't intend to entertain him. THAT TO ME IS NOT FLIRTING, NOT HAVING PLANS, NOT PURSUING. PERIODT.

I'm mad. I hope she doesn't inflict the same emotional pain to her "long-term" partner.

I hope you both felt better for doing this.

# data[].attributes.body
I bombed you a while ago with messages. I really really miss you, and the thought of losing you kicked me right in the heart.

I had to have a mini-breakdown session because I couldn't contain the pain.

I love you. Please give me a sign to keep on holding on.

# data[].attributes.body
Yet again slapped by the truth na I'll only have your time if mood ra nimo.

Why do I break my heart again and again for hoping? I never thought I'd settle for an almost bare minimum - not even the bare minimum - just ALMOST.

I never learn jud uy. Bogo.

# data[].attributes.body
I almost did it.

I thought I'd hibernate on communicating with you because I have to focus on studying. I can't bear messing my mind a week and during the midterm exams week. But you messaged me today and I can't control myself but respond to your messages. Grabe bobita jud ko.

Until when should I deal with the pain? Not sure if I have even it acknowledged and processed it yet.

# data[].attributes.body
I was weeping while we were in the taxi.

You didn't notice it, right? You were too busy on your phone 🙃 I was ready to cry myself out when we arrived in SS but they didn't have a comfort room! HAHA bummer, so I have to keep it in again.

I'm tired of suppressing it. When will the pain end?

# data[].attributes.body
You were absent yesterday from work. Were you bothered and sad like I am?

I miss you. I badly wanted to go to your house after class and be with you. Kyle talked me on the things I should ponder on and how bad idea it was if I head to your home.

We had a karaoke last night and all I felt was the void you left in my heart. Corny sa? When will you come back to me? :(

# data[].attributes.body
"Thank you for letting me go, because I would not have walked away"

Saw this post just now. I still can't get over the fact that we broke up :( How can such a healthy and smooth-sailing relationship end up like this?

I love you always, Enzi.

# data[].attributes.body
Today, I'm happy you chose yourself.

I guess, you needed to make that decision. You needed to choose yourself first before anyone - before me. And I understood.

Today, I'll let my heart wallow in pain.

I love you. Always have. Always will.

# data[].attributes.body
I finally let out a couple of heavy things I carry about us.

Like always, you never failed to acknowledge my feelings and validate them. Knowing your thoughts about how I felt made me more confused. We clearly love each other but we know there are things that we can't compromise yet, you - having your "me" time and excluding me from the activities you enjoy doing;  me - spending quality and quantity time with my person.

Oftentimes, I feel sad thinking about our current situation. There are moments I thought of walking away so I could no longer feel the pain everyday, but then there are a lot of reasons that are holding me back.

I love you so much that it pains me to see you unhappy when we're together.

# data[].attributes.attachment_caption
your hand when you asked me if this was the correct refill

# data[].attributes.body
I appreciate you for doing your best in making me feel I'm loved.

I see your efforts. I see all the work you do.

Although I still feel like I'm kept at bay, I think the improvements over the past few days boosted my will to work and hold on more.

Also, thanks for fetching me yet again and buying me my refill.

I love you always, Wab.

# data[].attributes.body
I drank again because it was Friday night. This is me being pathetic - I don't wanna go home and sob myself to sleep because I'm missing you.

You don't update me anymore. I have to ask you pa where you were and you didn't bother telling me who you were with - you used to tell these things to me before without me asking.

I had a fun night, by the way, but the void was (is) still there. I kept checking my phone to see if you have responded or was worried enough to check up on me. I even drunk messaged you about Egh which you just ignored and at 6:00 am you informed me na pauli palang ka and you had to get Jen home (at that time??) pa.

You haven't even bothered asking me if I was home safe - you've changed. Did I deserve this? But as what they say, I deserve what I tolerate.

Maybe that was the line. Maybe, I'm on to my last hope of holding on. Maybe, I'll finally be able to let go

# data[].attributes.body
Yesterday after the burst-into-tears-in-a-public-place-alone breakdown, I thought I'd be able to knock some senses into me and distance myself from you.

Yet here I am, sending you a good morning message and looking pathetic for repeating the "I love you always" message because you have not responded with an "I love you" back. :(

I (still) really love you though, it's just sometimes I'm not sure if I am able to carry this through after your "seasonal" episode. But one thing I'm proud of today, is that I was brave enough to half-jokingly asked you if I'd be staying in "our" future house on a scheduled basis. 🥲

If I was a different woman, would you see me pathetic too?

# data[].attributes.body
You are my safe haven...

I didn't know I became an obligation to you than a rest :(

# data[].attributes.body
Healing is really really hard especially when you and your boundaries have been subtly disrespected over and over again :)

Probably what I get for tolerating things