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This article presents eight highly creative activities to manage anger and resources for further assistance.

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Anger Management Techniques For Kids - Strategies To Calm Down When Your Temper Rises

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The Art of Letting Go: Stop Overthinking, Stop Negative Spirals, and Find Emotional Freedom (The Path to Calm)

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The Art of Letting Go: Stop Overthinking, Stop Negative Spirals, and Find Emotional Freedom (The Path to Calm) [Trenton, Nick] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. The Art of Letting Go: Stop Overthinking, Stop Negative Spirals, and Find Emotional Freedom (The Path to Calm)

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Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper

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Want to get your anger under control? Start by considering these 10 anger management tips.

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Free anger management worksheets for therapists. Topics include anger management techniques, relaxation skills, anger warning signs, and more.

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Dealing with Anger and Controlling Your Emotions

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Walking Through Anger: A New Design for Confronting Conflict in an Emotionally Charged World

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Walking Through Anger: A New Design for Confronting Conflict in an Emotionally Charged World - Kindle edition by Conte, Christian. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading Walking Through Anger: A New Design for Confronting Conflict in an Emotionally Charged World.

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Why We Get Mad: How to Use Your Anger for Positive Change

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Why We Get Mad: How to Use Your Anger for Positive Change - Kindle edition by Martin, Ryan. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading Why We Get Mad: How to Use Your Anger for Positive Change.

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Well-managed anger can be a useful emotion that motivates you to make positive changes. On the other hand, anger is a powerful emotion and if it isn't handled appropriately, it may have destructive results for you and those closest to you. Uncontrolled anger can lead to arguments, physical fights, physical abuse, assault and self-harm.

Physical effects of anger

Anger triggers the body's 'fight or flight' response. Other emotions that trigger this response include fear, excitement and anxiety. The adrenal glands flood the body with stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol.The brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. Heart rate, and respiration increase, the body temperature rises and the skin perspires. The mind is sharpened and focused.

Health problems with anger

The constant flood of stress chemicals and associated metabolic changes that go with ongoing unmanaged anger can eventually cause harm to many different systems of the body.

Some of the short and long-term health problems that have been linked to unmanaged anger include:

digestion problems, such as abdominal pain

Expressing anger in healthy ways

Suggestions on how to express your anger in healthy ways include:

If you feel out of control, walk away from the situation temporarily, until you cool down.

Recognise and accept the emotion as normal and part of life.

Try to pinpoint the exact reasons why you feel angry.

Once you have identified the problem, consider coming up with different strategies for how to remedy the situation.

Do something physical, such as going for a run or playing sport.

Talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling.

Unhelpful ways to deal with anger

Many people express their anger in inappropriate and harmful ways, including:

anger explosions - some people have very little control over their anger and tend to explode in rages. Raging anger may lead to physical abuse or violence. A person who doesn't control their temper can isolate themselves from family and friends. Some people who fly into rages have low self-esteem, and use their anger as a way to manipulate others and feel powerful. For more information, see '' on the White Ribbon Australia website

anger repression - some people consider that anger is an inappropriate or 'bad' emotion and choose to suppress it. However, bottled anger often turns into depression and anxiety. Some people vent their bottled anger at innocent parties, such as children or pets.

Dealing with arguments

When you have had an argument, it is easy to stay angry or upset with the other person. If you don't resolve an argument with a person you see often, it can be a very uncomfortable experience.

Talking to the person about your disagreement may or may not help. If you do approach them, make sure it is in a helpful way. Stay calm and communicate openly and honestly.

If the person could be violent or abusive, it may be best not to approach them directly. You could talk to them over the phone to see if they are open to finding a solution to the argument, if you feel safe to do so. It might be helpful to ask someone to be there with you, to give you support when you make the call and afterwards.

Try and tell the person how you feel as a result of their opinion, but avoid trying to tell them how they feel. It is possible to agree to disagree. You may need someone else to help you resolve the disagreement. You could ask a trusted third person to act as a go-between and help you both get another view on the argument.

Reasons for dealing with arguments

There are good reasons for dealing with arguments, including:

It will give you a sense of achievement and make you feel more positive.

You may feel more relaxed, healthier and more able to get a good night's sleep.

You may develop stronger relationships.

You may feel happier.

Suggestions for long-term anger management

The way you typically express anger may take some time to modify. Suggestions include:

Keep a diary of your anger outbursts, to try and understand how and why you get mad.

Consider training, or learning about techniques of .

Learn relaxation techniques, such as or .

See a counsellor or psychologist if you still feel angry about events that occurred in your past.

Benefits of regular exercise in mood management

People who are stressed are more likely to experience anger. Numerous worldwide studies have documented that regular exercise can improve mood and reduce stress levels. This may be because physical exertion burns up stress chemicals, and it also boosts production of mood-regulating neurotransmitters in the brain, including endorphins and catecholamines.

Teaching children how to express anger

Expressing anger appropriately is a learned behaviour. Suggestions on helping your child to deal with strong feelings include:

Lead by example.

Let them know that anger is natural and should be expressed appropriately.

Treat your child's feelings with respect.

Teach practical problem-solving skills.

Encourage open and honest communication in the home.

Allow them to express their anger in appropriate ways.

Explain the difference between aggression and anger.

Have consequences for aggression or violence, but not appropriately expressed anger.

Teach your child different ways of calming and soothing themselves.

Where to get help

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Well-managed anger can be a useful emotion that motivates you to make positive changes. On the other hand, anger is a powerful emotion and if it isn't handled appropriately, it may have destructive results for you and those closest to you. Uncontrolled anger can lead to arguments, physical fights, physical abuse, assault and self-harm.

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Inside: Kid-friendly coping skills used to help manage anger, including safe ways to express anger, books to read and videos that can help. This post contains affiliate links. Learn more.
It's starting again, as usual, right after your son gets off the school bus. He is frustrated from things that happened during the day, and now he's yelling and stomping around the house. You're feeling overwhelmed and don't know what to do next.
How do you help an angry child?
Here's a collection of the best tools and tips to teach children how to manage their anger in safe and healthy ways. Let's start with some quick, safe ways to help kids express those feelings.

Looking for more quick ideas to help kids express their anger?
Stop sensory meltdowns by hanging upside down 5 simple ways to help children calm angry feelings 10 more ways to help kids manage anger A Different Way to Respond When Your Child is Aggressive
We need to help our kids understand and expect that they will experience a variety of feelings as they go through life, including anger. It's normal to feel angry at times. It's what you do with those feelings that matter.

Here's a great reminder from Imperfect Families that anger is a feeling too.

When a child is in fight, flight or freeze mode, they can't process information as well as when their body is in rest and digest mode. This is not a teachable moment, and they can't take in a lecture at this point. Your goal is to get them through this rough moment. It's best to keep talking to a minimum. When you do speak, make sure you use a neutral, calm, and quiet tone. Keep it short and repeat the same phrase. Repeating it is helpful because they aren't processing information and words as they usually would. Repetition makes it more likely that they'll hear what you are saying.

Phrases that you can say at that moment:

"I'm here for you."

"I love you."

"I want to help you."

"Let me know when you're ready."

"You are mad; I get it."

"I understand."

Looking for some more inspiration for phrases to say? Check this out:
26 Phrases to Calm and Angry Child
When some kids get big feelings, they destroy items around them - rip books, throw toys, etc. If that's the case for your child, it may be helpful for you to set up a safe spot where kids can go when they are angry. In that space, take everything out that can be destroyed or thrown that might injure someone or damage property. If you have more than one floor, set up a safe spot on each level of your home.

If you aren't in the safe spot when your child is dealing with big feelings, move harmful objects out of the way and try to get them to that safe place.

It may make sense to set up their room as a safe place too. We found this helpful when our son was dealing with a lot of angry feelings. We moved his toys and his bookshelf to a different room in the house so he could still play with them. The items that stayed in his room were those things that wouldn't hurt him or us. We did this to keep everyone, including him, safe. And as time went on, and he had better control of his emotions, we were able to add things back to his room.

How to Make a Calm Down Spot at home
Calm Space in Schools
One of the best things you can do is work on teaching coping skills kids can use before things escalate to epic proportions. The trick is practicing when they are in a calm and relaxed mood, not in the moment when they are angry.

Identify Triggers

Start by talking about what's making them angry. Help them identify those triggers, so you both know for the next time. Is it a particular school subject that makes them frustrated? Perhaps being hungry or thirsty? Are their specific noises or locations that are frustrating?

help kids identify where they feel angry in their body

Sometimes, kids don't know they're angry until after the explosion has happened. Help them identify the signs their body gives them that they are feeling angry. Over time, they'll start to recognize that feeling and ideally use a coping skill before things get too overwhelming.

Explore what other emotions they may be feeling

When kids are angry, there are usually other feelings that they are experiencing too. But anger is easy to see and often hides different feelings that lie below the surface. It's sometimes referred to as the "Anger Iceberg." It takes a bit of time to figure it out, but when your child is in a calm place, talk about what other feelings may be hiding underneath their anger.

Read more about the anger iceberg here.

Identify and practice coping skills

Now that they know what causes those big feelings and how to identify them, help them figure out ways to deal with those feelings in safe and healthy ways. Go through the coping skills checklist and have kids check off the skills that work for them, cross off the ones that don't and circle the ones they want to try.

Identify one coping skill your child would like to try. Take a few minutes during the week and have them practice a coping skill they may be able to use next time. For example, if they are going to try using shapes for deep breathing, have them practice before, so they know how it feels. The idea is to have them practice, so they know what it feels like to do it when they are calm.

Using coping skills to deal with big feelings will not go perfectly every time. Learning to manage anger is a work in progress. Little by little, with practice and time, kids will get better at it. Encourage them when they make safe and healthy choices. When they don't, continue to work with them to figure out better steps they can take the next time.

Use a Feelings Thermometer

Using a feelings thermometer can help kids make the connection between their feelings and their coping skills. Here's how you can make an anger thermometer.

How to Make an Anger Thermometer:

Have the child pick out three colors, one for each section of the thermometer and color it in. Then talk about each section.

Ask what it looks like when they are just a little angry, at the bottom of the thermometer. Do they sigh loudly, growl, etc.?

Then move on to the middle section of the thermometer. If they are medium-sized angry, what does that look like? Does their voice get louder? Do they stomp their feet, etc.?

Finally, talk about what it looks like when they are experiencing big anger at the top of the thermometer. What does that look like? Is it yelling, throwing things, etc.?

It isn't always easy for kids to do this. If they are having a hard time identifying what the behaviors were, I tell them what I noticed the last time I saw them get angry. Or, if I haven't seen them angry, I'll give them a prompt to help them, like "When some kids get angry, they yell, is that something you do?"

Once we go through and identify behaviors on the thermometer, then we work on identifying coping skills they can use to calm down. Some examples include getting a drink of water, taking deep breaths, shredding paper, or taking a break.

Make sure they have coping skills that will help them at each level of anger. It's essential to have a variety of coping skills for each level because not all coping skills will work all the time. For some kids, taking a drink of water can help calm them down when they are just slightly angry. However, when they are furious, getting a drink of water won't help. They need to do something different at that point, like take a break.

When Sophie Gets Angry, Really, Really Angry by Molly Bang Poor Sophie has a hard time managing her anger when she has to share gorilla with her sister. It's a visually appealing book to show how big her feelings get and how it looks when she calms down again.

When I Feel Angry by Cornelia Maude Spelman This is part of "The Way I Feel" series. It explains how different things can make you angry, and that feeling angry is an expected part of life, but it's what you do when you're feeling that way that matters.

Cool Down and Work Through Anger by Cheri J. Meiners M.Ed. Another great book that talks about how anger affects your body and suggesting safe ways to express yourself.

Angry Octopus by Lori Lite and Max Stasuyk A great book that actually is a progressive muscle relaxation and deep breathing script for kids. It's wonderful!

Don't Rant and Rave on Wednesdays by Adolph Moser It mentions the consequences of having unchecked anger, and acknowledges that adults struggle with this too. A large part of the book explains different strategies kids can use to express anger in a safe way, which I think is fantastic.

How to Take The Grrrr Out of Anger by Elizabeth Verdick and Marjorie Lisovskis I love using this book for kids who are having a hard time managing being angry. I typically read one chapter at a time with the kids and work on some of the strategies listed in the book.

What to Do When Your Temper Flares by Dawn Huebner This book has lovely illustrations and goes through "anger dousing" methods.

Happiness Doesn't Come from Headstands by Tamara Levitt. This is a beautifully illustrated book all about growth mindset and resilience. Leela wants to do headstands and is getting frustrated, and believes the only way she can be happy is if she does headstands. With the help of a friend, she shifts her focus from what she can't do to what she can and focuses on the journey, not the singular goal is doing a headstand.

The Secret to Clara's Calm by Tamara Levitt. This is another beautifully illustrated book that demonstrates the power of mindfulness in managing big feelings. Clara has a bad temper and has big reactions to small problems, but then that leads to kids not wanting to be around her anymore. She works on learning how to be mindful and manage her big feelings with the help of a bird named Brodhi.

Chillax!: How Ernie Learns to Chill Out, Relax and Take Charge of His Anger by Marcella Marino Craver This is a graphic novel, perfect for the tween set.

It's common for parents to struggle with staying calm when their child is angry. As a mom, I know that's tough, especially when your child is having a difficult time. But it's important to learn to do it. You have to get yourself calm before you can help your child. One of the best ways to help your child is to make sure you stay calm yourself.

Use Self-Talk

Here are some phrases that may help you as you are working with your angry kid:

They're having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.

Share my calm, don't join their chaos.

I am in charge of staying calm, no matter how my child is acting and behaving.

All feelings are OK. My job is to help my kid manage them.

I can remain calm, and be a good example for my child.

Be the thermostat, not the thermometer.

TAKE Deep Breaths

If you're getting upset and about to blow up, try deep breathing. I know, it sounds hokey, but it makes a difference. When you are feeling overwhelmed, your body can go into fight, flight, or freeze mode, but in situations like these, you want to stay in rest and digest mode. By taking deep breaths, you're signaling your body to go back to rest and digest mode. Expand your belly as you inhale, and contract your belly as you exhale. Try taking several deep breaths before you take steps to intervene.

Use a grounding technique

If you're overwhelmed, sometimes it helps to do a grounding exercise to calm yourself down.

FIND your support system

Know that you are not alone. Read what this mom has to say about parenting an angry child. If you don't have a support system, then it's time to find one. Here are some ideas for both in person and online support groups to help you.
In Person Support:
There are lots of places you can get support in person. One resource I love is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They offer Family Support Groups, which meet regularly. They also offer a 12 week class for parents by parents, called Family to Family Support. Search for your local NAMI chapter here.

Having support for your child outside of your family can be a lifesaver. Talk to the school, teachers and coaches to help support your child during a difficult time. Sharing knowledge about what strategies work, and how you child responds in different environments is invaluable information.

You can also seek help from a licensed therapist to help support you. It's great to have someone to talk through the tough situations you are experiencing. If scheduling an in-person meeting is tough, you can see therapists online at sites like betterhelp.com. Some kids also benefit from seeing their own therapist. Read this to get a little more information about when you should seek outside help for your child.
Facebook Groups:
Did you know you can search for groups on Facebook to find others who are struggling with similar issues to yours? Here are some active Facebook Groups that have been helpful for families.
Note: You may need to apply to some of these groups in order to be added.
Support for Sensory Needs

Raising Poppies

Happy Sensitive Kids Community

Modern Parenting

The Neighborhood, Imperfect Families

The World's Okayest Parents
Coping Skills for Kids Group
As your son continues to stomp and growl, you take a few deep breaths and say to yourself "Be the thermostat, not the thermometer." Then, in a calm voice, you say to your son "I'm here to help. I love you."

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Inside: Kid-friendly coping skills used to help manage anger, including safe ways to express anger, books to read and videos that can help. This post contains affiliate links. Learn more. It's starting again, as usual, right after your son gets off the school bus.

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MLA Anger Management Toolkit - Anger Diary

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Stew makes it worry-free to work on your anger, anytime, anywhere. Self-care for your emotions. Available on iOS & Android.

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Anger is often a challenging emotion to control, but with a little practice, you can channel your anger in a more positive way.

If you've ever felt a drive for action after being angry, you've experienced a positive aspect of this human emotion. Anger can be a great motivator, whether it's after feeling wronged, being beaten in a challenge, or anything else.

This drive for action after a surge of anger can be incredibly useful and productive for helping you make changes in your life and identifying what is most important to you. You can think of anger as a useful piece of information.

However, you may have also seen the other side and felt anger's interference in your life. Perhaps the feeling of anger makes you too reactionary and causes you to act in ways you regret later.

Knowing how to use your anger to your advantage can be a life changing skill. Here's what you need to know.

When you learn how to channel anger, it becomes a powerful tool.

As the American Psychological Association (APA) points out, anger can help solve problems.

When you turn anger into motivation, it can help you self-advocate and make positive changes. It kindles self-improvement and inspires leadership against injustice.

Research from 2017 revealed that anger has been important to human survival because it helps people face and overcome obstacles. Anger is also a quick adaptive response that protects against environmental threats.

Suppressing anger isn't recommended. According to 2019 research, this can lead to anxiety and physical issues, such as:

According to 2019 research, suppressed anger is sometimes linked to violent behaviors, leading to crime and abuse.

There are ways to redirect anger so that it becomes a positive force in your life. Some to consider include:

Stop to consider why you're angry.

Look for what you can change in the situation.

Identify your emotional sore points.

Discover new boundaries to set.

Use your anger as motivation.

Focus on only what really matters.

Exercise to blow off steam.

Channel your anger into productive action.

Anger doesn't exist in a void - there's usually an underlying obstacle or issue. If you assess what's making you angry, you may be able to find the source of the issue instead of directing your anger at the wrong person or problem.

For instance, if a person tells you bad or frustrating news, you may feel angry and believe your anger is directly due to that person.

But after quickly considering why you're angry, you might realize you're angry at the situation, not the messenger. This could stop you from raising your voice at someone who simply might be trying to help.

Sometimes anger can be a catalyst for progress. If your anger stems from repeated frustration with your situation, you can channel your anger into making some changes.

This requires first discovering the source of your anger and then considering what about your situation you can change.

Maybe it's:

Take inventory and then consider what's a realistic first step for a positive change in your life.

Self-awareness can be incredibly helpful for controlling and channeling your emotions effectively. In a moment of anger, if you can pinpoint why you're upset, you may be able to learn more about your sore points and emotional catalysts. This can help you prepare for the next time you are in a similar position.

For example, maybe you tend to react to anger when you feel like you're being criticized. Perhaps there's a particular criticism that sparks feelings of anger. It might be helpful to consider why that criticism prompts so much anger.

A helpful way to discover these triggers is to journal when you feel angry. Another option is to pause and take a few deep breaths when you feel anger coming on. As you're breathing, try to take a moment or two to consider the source of your anger.

Maybe you have unresolved insecurities to work through. Or maybe your partner, parent, or whoever is commenting needs a friendly reminder that you don't like discussing that topic.

A little bit of self-awareness about your emotional spurs can help lead to healthier communication with loved ones or colleagues.

It can also help point to emotions or insecurities you've been subconsciously suppressing. If this is the case, and you tend to resort to anger, you may want to speak with a mental health counselor or learn more about ways to manage your emotions.

Gaining personal insight is a key part of self-improvement. Anger contributes by helping you discover your values and priorities. When someone ignores your values, the anger you feel tells you how important those values are to you.

Instead of staying angry, try setting boundaries. If you find that a person is continuously ignoring your values and needs, and you are continuously feeling angry because of them, this may be a sign that it's time to distance yourself from that person.

Anger can be highly motivating. What if someone in your life suggests you're not capable of acquiring your dream job? Allow the doubt other people may have about you to fuel your fire. You know your worth and your abilities, and soon others will, too.

When you find yourself feeling angry, try to take a moment to pause and ask yourself, "Will this matter in a year?" Weighing whether something is worth your time and energy is an important skill, which anger can help you learn.

Having to wait for your spin class in 3 days might not help you regulate the anger you feel today. But a treadmill in your basement, a flight of stairs, or even a set of hand weights can help you immediately channel anger into power that can increase your fitness.

Exercise is a good way to release anger. The controlled breathing required might help restore a feeling of calm is a bonus. Channeling your anger into fitness, therefore, can be beneficial for your physical and mental health.

Research from 2020 links anger to the neurotransmitter norepinephrine, which helps your fight, flight, or freeze nervous system response. This means anger is energizing.

You can sit and seethe or work off your anger in a positive way. Rather than trying to remain calm, you could use your energy for tasks like cleaning, cutting the grass, or anything that requires physical involvement.

Anger is an important human emotion. But it often requires some practice to channel as a motivational tool and positive force. Without practice, you may be more likely to lash out when you feel angry or try to suppress the emotion entirely.

If you experience anger regularly, it may help while you're calm to plan positive channeling strategies. This is so you're prepared for the next time you feel escalated.

Also, if you're interested in more ideas from an anger management professional, try the APA's psychologist locator tool to find an expert near you.

Looking for a therapist but unsure where to start? Psych Central's How to Find Mental Health Support resource can help.

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8 Ways to Channel Your Anger Productively

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Anger is often a challenging emotion to control, but with a little practice, you can channel your anger in a more positive way. If you've ever felt a drive for action after being angry, you've experienced a positive aspect of this human emotion.

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Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh
It’s hard to summarize the lessons I learned from the book of Anger by Buddhist monk Thich Naht Hanh, because there were so many. Much of it was like finding the words for things I already knew, subconsciously or not. Like the profound relief we gain when we feel heard. Or how we want to punish others when we suffer. (Why does this even make sense and yet is so horribly true?)

One of the oft-repeated mantras in the book is about compassionate listening and loving-kindness speech. It seems obvious that listening with compassion is a good thing. But the fact that it can help the other person suffer less is not as apparent. If we can allow the other person to express herself and find relief from her suffering, then we have accomplished the one and only goal of compassionate listening.

Of course, keeping compassion alive the entire time we listen is not easy, especially when we are implicated in the other’s suffering. The desire to defend oneself, or to criticize the mode of expression is both deep and diabolical. Both those can instantly undermine any positive effects of compassionate listening.

TNH suggests a practical if formal template for how to approach anger, both in ourselves and in others. The first step is admitting our anger. We can’t pretend that we don’t suffer: “In true love, there is no pride.” Second, we can’t claim we are doing our best unless we practice. And last, we have to let the other person in.

“Darling, I suffer. I am angry. I want you to know it.”
“Darling, I am doing my best. I am taking good care of my anger. For me and for you also. I don’t want to explode, to destroy myself and destroy you.”
“Darling, I need your help. I cannot do this without you.”

Of course, the success of this exchange depends on mindfulness, on mindful breathing, walking, sitting, speaking, listening. On digging deep to find the roots of our anger. On never saying or doing anything out of anger, but waiting until we are ready to listen compassionately and speak with loving-kindness. As TNH so wisely puts it, “If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is to go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist.”

I appreciated the reminder to wait until we were cooler headed, but even more so, I loved the entreaty to come back after 24 hours, or even by next Friday. In the meantime, we are to write a peace note to the other person. As someone who greatly suffers from the so-called silent treatment (and the subsequent ignoring of said conflict), I was relieved to know that there was another way to approach things. A dear friend calls it throwing the other person a lifeline. You tell them you’re upset and you need time to come back to it with love and good energy, but that you will. The Buddha himself says that a monk has the right to be angry, but not for more than one night. We can’t all be monks, so I’m willing to give it more than 24 hours, but I desperately need the coming back together in order to move on.

This next seems a lesson I will keep learning my entire life: “We should not be sure of any perception we have.” According to TNH, anger mostly comes from incorrect perceptions. He says to write on a piece of paper, “Are you sure?” and hang it up in your room. And even if you are sure, check again.

Anger is defined in the book as an energy, with seeds that may have been watered too frequently over the years. The counter-balance is to water the positive seeds in you—the seeds of love, compassion, and understanding. I’ve been practicing this a little by writing in a gratitude journal every night before I go to sleep. Any practice of positivity keeps us in touch with elements that don’t constantly express suffering: the trees, flowers, children, art—whatever is refreshing, healing, and nourishing. As TNH says, “Let your friends rescue you.”

Along those lines, the book emphasizes that happiness and well-being are not individual matters. We are not separate from each other, from our parents, our ancestors, our friends. And not only that, our self is made of “non-self” elements, like the sun, the air, the earth, the food we eat. I love this psychedelic sense of connection, of selfhood as a universal - even cosmic – concept.

One way to save yourself from being overwhelmed by anger is by writing a Heart Sutra. When you feel very grateful for the other person in your life, TNH says to withdraw and be alone and immersed in those feelings. Write them down as an act of gratitude, enlightenment, mindfulness, intelligence. This is your Heart Sutra, meant to be read in times of need.

I also loved the idea of gift giving as a way to transform your feelings of hurt and anger at someone into wanting to make them happy. TNH advises not waiting until you’re angry to buy a present. He says to buy it when you feel the love. Have the luxury of two or three presents stashed secretly in your drawer, ready to be gifted. I haven’t done the advance buying yet, but I know that the general idea works. Doing something nice for someone, even (especially?) someone I’m mad at, invariably makes me feel better.

Over and over, TNH reminds us that the energy of mindfulness is the key to transforming the energy of anger. Suppressing, fighting, or ignoring anger will do no good. It must be recognized and embraced, often with great tenderness, in order to be transformed: “Hello, my little anger, I know you are there. My old friend.”

Far from reducing anger, punching a pillow (and acts like it) only rehearses it, trains you in aggression, strengthens and grows the seed of anger inside you. The danger of venting feels intuitively correct to me. I don’t want to project any semblance of violence, even on something as “forgiving” as a pillow. Our enemy isn’t the other person. Our enemy is the violence, ignorance, and injustice in us and in the other person. So we practice mindfulness to look deeply for the roots of our anger, to gain insight, which has the power to liberate us and allow transformation.

In the end, our emotions are just that. Emotions. And this might be the hardest lesson of all. We are more than our anger, more than our suffering, more than our emotions. All storms pass, and we have to remember that, and have hope. And in order to take care of our emotions, we have to go back to the body. We lie down, and we breathe: “Breathing in, I calm my whole body, breathing out, I calm my whole body.”

It doesn’t matter how intelligent we are, how much knowledge we’ve gained, how young or old or alone or stuck. Changing our habit energy (and we all have it) requires practice. We don’t have to wait for anyone else in order to start practicing. Transforming ourselves makes reconciliation possible, no matter how resistant the other person is. And either way, we are making space for compassion, for connection, for calm, for love, for kindness, one mindful step at a time.

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What Are You So Grumpy About? [Lichtenheld, Tom] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. What Are You So Grumpy About?

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You have an important dinner to attend tonight after work and the clothes you need are at the cleaners. The dry cleaner will be closed by the time you leave the office, so your partner has graciously agreed to pick the clothes up for you. But when you get home, your partner looks up, claps a hand over their mouth, and gasps, "Your dry cleaning!"

You can't believe it. Your pulse quickens, your face flushes, you want to scream. What do you do next? Do you take a beat? Do you unleash your wrath, or do you push all your hard feelings down?

Anger itself is a perfectly healthy and even useful emotion. But the way you express your angry feelings can be more harmful than whatever it was that made you angry in the first place.

"Anger tends to get a bad rap as an emotion that we want to avoid when in reality it's a very valid and important emotion," says Erin S. Bullett, PhD, director of the Psychological Services Clinic at the University of Missouri. "But not all expressions of anger or the behaviors that we pair with anger are useful."

What's Anger For?

Anger is a biological reaction -- part of the "fight-or-flight" response. This survival mechanism may have helped keep the earliest humans alive in the face of threats. It prompts the body to respond in a bad situation, whether that response is to fight back or run away.

While people today may not face the same threats to their lives that their earliest ancestors did, anger still serves an important purpose.

"Anger can motivate us to engage in change behavior if, for example, an important goal is being blocked, if someone we care about is being threatened or attacked, or if we feel disrespected or like we have lost power," Bullett says. "Both physical and emotional pain can elicit anger for us."

When you get mad, it can also be what's called a secondary emotion. That is, it's the result of another emotion, such as jealousy or fear.

You can usually express a secondary emotion, says Ashley Hicks, PhD, director of The Ohio State University Couple and Family Therapy Clinic, in a way that won't make you feel as vulnerable or exposed as the primary emotion would. "So, often when we think we are angry, what we are really feeling is hurt, embarrassed, afraid, abandoned, or like we are not in control," Hicks says.

So What's the Harm in Anger?

True, anger is an important emotion that tells you, "something is wrong, off balance, or unfair, and that it needs to change," Hicks says.

But when your body is in fight-or-flight mode, you are under stress. Occasional stress is necessary, but constant stress, which includes anger, can be harmful to your health.

Research shows that anger is a risk factor for heart disease. When you feel it all the time, it can raise your risk for high blood pressure, stroke, ulcers, and intestinal diseases. It may also delay wound healing and increase the risk for certain cancers.

For these reasons, it's smart to learn to manage and diffuse this beast in healthy ways.

Red Flags When You're Seeing Red

First, you have to know what anger feels like in your body to begin with before you can evaluate it as constructive or destructive, Hicks says. "Since we often believe that anger is a bad thing that we should dismiss or avoid completely, we start to ignore the symptoms of it."

The next time you feel angry, stop and take stock of how that feels in your body to help you build awareness. Does your pulse quicken? Does your jaw tighten? Do you cry?

Some signs that you might be on the verge of flipping your lid include feeling hot or flushing, a pounding heart, or raising your voice. "These can be signs that we are prone to act on our anger in ways that may be less adaptive," Bullett says.

Perhaps the reddest flag of all, she adds, is whether your heated emotions lead you to behave in a way that you have regretted behaving in the past. Maybe you say unfair and hurtful things to the person who has upset you. Maybe you storm out and trigger a silence between the two of you that lasts for days.

But how can you get off that collision course for a blow-up or a stand-off and get a hold of yourself before it's too late?

Be Mindful When You're Mad

Make no mistake, it's hard to see a situation clearly when you're seeing red. But that's what you need to learn to do if you want to express your feelings in healthy, rather than harmful, ways.

Practicing mindfulness when you're not angry can help you build the skills you need to be mindful when you are angry. Mindfulness is the ability to be fully present in the moment, aware of what you are thinking and feeling, down to the most minute sensations, without being overwhelmed by the situation or overly reactive to it.

Learning how to be mindful in benign situations, such as when you are eating or brushing your teeth, can help you call on those skills in heated moments.

And the benefits of mindfulness when anger strikes are many.

"It can help with emotional regulation and help you slow down in the moment so that you don't engage in those angry behaviors," Bullett says.

When you slow down, or take a beat, in the moment, you become more able to think about what might be the appropriate next action. In some cases, it may be to walk away. In other cases, it may be to tell the person that you are upset and why. When you do communicate your feelings, having taken that beat will allow you to do so more calmly, which can make for a better reaction from the other person.

The healthiest response to anger won't be the same for every person in every situation. If you are prone to blowing a fuse, you may need to learn to walk away. But, Bullett says, "If you are a person who tends to storm away and stew, you may need to learn to confront the situation in an assertive manner with 'I' statements."

"I" statements refer to speaking only about yourself in the heat of the moment in order to avoid saying something to the other person that you might later regret. So rather than, "You never listen to me," in response to the forgotten dry cleaning, you might say, "I feel like I'm not being heard."

You can also remind yourself when you take a beat to look at the situation from the other person's point of view. Perhaps you will see a reason why they took the action that made you angry -- even if you don't agree with it.

"Mindfulness can also help us check the facts, which is a big thing," Bullett says.

Do Some Fact-Checking

When you are angry, before you react, Bullett advises that you ask yourself what your assumptions are about the incident versus what you know to be a fact.

You might assume, for example, that someone cut you off in traffic because they are a thoughtless jerk. But in reality, you probably don't have any facts about the other driver. That driver may be on the way to an emergency or having a bad day, which made them careless in traffic.

You can also check the facts about yourself at that moment. Ask yourself, for example, whether your feelings are warranted or whether you are tired or stressed and that's why you responded angrily.

"When you start to really think about what you know and don't know about the situation, you're less likely to respond rashly," Bullett says.

Mindfulness is a popular practice these days -- and for good reason: Research shows that the practice eases ire. One study found that mindfulness reduced anger, hostility, and irritation in the workplace. Other studies have found that the practice cuts down on anger and distress in people with troubling health diagnoses, such as cancer and diabetes.

Given its popularity, it won't be hard to learn more about it on your own. Mindfulness workshops abound online and in real life in many metropolitan areas. For those who can't find a real-life course, the Netflix docuseries Headspace Guide to Meditation offers lessons in mindfulness. There are also plenty of mindfulness apps available.

When You Choose to Walk Away

Emotions express themselves in physical ways in the body, Hicks says. "So we need to release that angry energy from our bodies."

If you've decided, in your moment of mindfulness, not to pursue a discussion or an argument about the events that made you mad, you may need to release that negative energy in other ways. Maybe it's as simple as screaming into a pillow or taking a deep breath and counting to 10.

But you may need ongoing channels for angry energy. Learn your triggers, Bullett suggests. Maybe you are most prone to getting mad after a long day at work or when bills are due. Find an outlet for angry energy on those days when you've been triggered and may be prone to bad behavior.

"You can learn to channel anger in a way that can be useful. Intense exercise can help shift our mood," Bullett says, "Or, you know, there's a reason why 'rage cleaning' is a thing."

Just keep in mind, anger, like all your other feelings, is a valid emotion. Oftentimes, in fact, it is indisputably warranted. It's letting anger get the best of you and your relationships that should be avoided.

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Good and Mad: The Healthy Way to Be Angry

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You have an important dinner to attend tonight after work and the clothes you need are at the cleaners. The dry cleaner will be closed by the time you leave the office, so your partner has graciously agreed to pick the clothes up for you.

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Uh-oh! Gabe is losing it again. See all those big, bright buttons popping up all over his body? Push this button and Gabe starts fighting.

They come out whenever someone or some situation gets under his skin. And they pop up ALL. THE. TIME.
Push that button and Gabe starts yelling.
Push any button, and Gabe overreacts, gets mad, makes poor choices and lands in trouble. What he really needs is a reset button!

Young readers will learn how to use PAUSE POWER to reset their mindset, calm down and stop losing control when others push their buttons. It's a great lesson and fun read for children in grades K-6.

Tips for parents and educators to help children managing their emotions when they become angry and to raise self-awareness in themselves are included at the end of the picture book.

A clever tale from school counselor and author Jennifer Law about Gabe, a young boy navigating school life. Her stories include

Pause Power - Learning to stay calm when your buttons get pushed.

Practicing Patience - How to wait patiently when your body doesn't want to.
"Get. This. Book. I love that the story shows multiple examples of the character struggling with calming himself in frustrating situations. The story didn't say, 'if you use pause power you won't feel frustrated ever again!' It was more, 'you're going to be frustrated, but pause power can help you to react differently and avoid hurting others.' I've even caught myself noticing when my buttons are being pushed and I need to pause and breathe. So basically, I'll stop reading all these 200+ page self-help books and stick to kids' books for my self-improvement 😂😂" - Alex R., Verified Purchaser "The lesson of this story has the potential to lessen so much trouble in the world. I find myself remembering (and imitating) the look of calm on Gabe's face at end of the story when I'm annoyed with traffic. I look forward to reading more books by Jennifer Law. She has a knack for teaching important skills in a fun way." - John L., Purchaser

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Pause Power: Learning to Stay Calm When Your Buttons Get Pushed

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Pause Power: Learning to Stay Calm When Your Buttons Get Pushed: Jennifer Law, Brian Martin: 9781944882495: Books: Amazon.com

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Learn how to control or deal with your anger with these 16 tips for managing your frustration and anger, whether you have a quick temper or a biting sense of humor.

Learning how to control anger is a life-long process, but one worth embarking upon. Dealing with anger productively and with emotional intelligence can improve your overall mood, your relationship with others, and your relationship with yourself-and after acknowledging that you do experience anger (because everyone does), learning your anger style is a great starting place.

While an occasional display of irritation isn't a bad thing, experts say being consistently bent out of shape can harm your relationships, pummel your self-esteem, and contribute to things like high blood pressure and heart disease. And anger itself is just the tip of the iceberg. "It's almost always being driven by another emotion, such as fear, resentment, or insecurity," says Carlos R. Todd, a licensed counselor and a certified anger-management facilitator in Charlotte, N.C.

Your anger style guides how you express anger and, once you're ready to learn how to deal with anger, your default style determines the best method of addressing your frustration or bitter disappointment. If classic anger management methods haven't worked long-term for you, perhaps it's because you're trying the wrong method of managing anger for your anger style. Here, we'll help you figure out what your anger style is, plus how to deal with those negative feelings.

Anger Style: Explosive

Why you might do it: If you were never taught how to deal with irritation, you may habitually swallow it until you can swallow no more. Eventually your top will blow. Some people are anger junkies, who get off on the adrenaline rush of an emotional explosion, not to mention the fact that the onslaught can mean they get their way―at least in the short term.

The damage: It is virtually impossible to feel empathy and anger simultaneously, so in the heat of the moment, you are more likely to say and do overly harsh things that you later regret.

How to control your explosive anger

Wait it out. "Research has shown that the neurological anger response lasts less than two seconds," says Ronald Potter-Efron, PhD, an anger-management specialist in Eau Claire, Wis., and a coauthor of Letting Go of Anger. Beyond that, it takes a commitment to stay angry. Mentally recite the Pledge of Allegiance or count to 10 and see if the urge to explode has diminished.

Own your emotions. A simple rephrasing of your feelings can help you feel more in control. "I'm really upset by your behavior" is much more effective and empowering than "%#*&@!."

Anger Style: Self-Abuse

Why you might do it: Somewhere along the line, your self-esteem took a beating and you decided that sometimes it's just safer and easier to be mad at yourself than at someone else.

The damage: Constantly turning angry feelings inward can set you up for continued disappointments and even depression.

How to control your self-directed anger

Question yourself. Every time you feel the urge to assume blame, start by asking yourself, "Who told me I was responsible for this?" Then ask, "Do I really believe that?" Instead of accepting all responsibility, thank yourself for recognizing the pattern in the first place.

Work on your self-worth. Make a list of your positive qualities. Developing a genuine sense of worthiness is a critical step in overcoming self-blame. Seek out a professional if you need more help in working around this issue.

Anger Style: Avoidance

Why you might do it: "Women in particular are told over and over again to be nice no matter what. Get angry and you could lose your reputation, marriage, friends, or job," says Potter-Efron. If you grew up in a volatile or abusive home, you may not believe anger can be controlled or expressed calmly.

The damage: The primary function of anger is to signal that something is amiss and encourage resolution. By ignoring that warning sign, you may end up engaging in self-destructive behaviors (overeating, excessive shopping). You're also basically giving the green light to other people's bad behavior or denying them the opportunity to make amends. How can they apologize if they don't know you've been hurt?

How to control your avoidant anger

Anger Style: Sarcasm

Why you might do it: You were probably raised to believe that expressing negative emotions directly isn't OK, so you take a more indirect route. If folks get mad, it's their fault, not yours. After all, you were just kidding. Can't people take a joke?

The damage: Even though couched in wit, your cutting comments can damage your relationships. Although some people insist that mockery is a form of intellectual humor, the very word sarcasm is related to the Greek word sarkazein, meaning "to tear flesh like dogs." Ouch.

How to control your sarcastic anger

Anger Style: Passive-Aggressive

Why you might do it: You dislike confrontation, but you're no pushover, either. "People become 'anger sneaks' when they believe they can't stand up to others," says Potter-Efron. Some people who are cautious by nature turn to this style when they feel pushed outside their comfort zones.

The damage: You frustrate people. Todd puts it another way: "You're living your life around making sure other people don't get what they want, instead of striving for what would make you happy." The bottom line: No one wins.

How to control your passive-aggressive anger

Anger Style: Habitual Irritation

Why you might do it: If your discontent dwells directly below the surface and is constantly seeping through, there's probably resentment, regret, or frustration boiling beneath. Maybe your coworker got the promotion and you didn't. Or your marriage is falling apart and you're not sure why.

The damage: If you're always ready to blow, friends, family, and coworkers may take great pains to avoid upsetting you. Or they may avoid you altogether. The most likely result? No progress―you stay stuck in the same vicious cycle.

How to control your habitual anger

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Knowing Your Anger Style Will Help You to Finally Manage It Better-Here's How

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Learn how to control or deal with your anger with these 16 tips for managing your frustration and anger, whether you have a quick temper or a biting sense of humor. Learning how to control anger is a life-long process, but one worth embarking upon.

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MLA Anger Management Toolkit - Safe Steps

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10 apps to help kids control their emotions

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Introduce your child to a world of calm, mindfulness, and emotional maturity.

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Anger can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. Learn how to control it.

Cite this

American Psychological Association. (2023, November 3). Control anger before it controls you. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage. Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems-problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life.

Anger can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

What is anger?

The nature of anger

Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

Expressing anger

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.

On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
[Related: Want to achieve your goals? Get angry]
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive-not aggressive-manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward-on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone-or something-is going to get hurt."

Anger management

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Are you too angry?

There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.

Why are some people more angry than others?

According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.

Is it good to "let it all hang out?"

Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.

It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.

Strategies to keep anger at bay

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."

Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.

Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.

Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Cognitive restructuring

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger.

As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions-frustration, disappointment, hurt-but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better communication

Angry people tend to jump to-and act on-conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger-or a partner's-let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using humor

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should not have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing your environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some other tips for easing up on yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night-perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit-try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.

Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project-learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Do you need counseling?

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell them that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about their approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"-that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.

What about assertiveness training?

It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.

Remember, you can't eliminate anger-and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.

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Anger is a normal, healthy response to a threat and may be used for a constructive purpose. When anger becomes uncontrollable or is unexpressed, it may lead to destructive thoughts or actions. Learn how to control it.

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Skip to main content

Feeling anger is OK. Anger can help get us through hard feelings and situations and motivate us to change things we don't like about our life.

Anger can become a problem when it comes out as aggression or affects a person's daily life and relationships. This might be because they find their feelings of anger overwhelming or hard to control. Or it might be because they express their anger in ways that might hurt themselves or others around them. Anger can also be a sign that someone might be experiencing sadness, depression or another mental health difficulty.

Learning to be aware of our anger and to express it in a safe way is an important part of good mental health. If you feel angry a lot or have trouble controlling your anger, there are lots of things you can do to help manage this in a healthy way.

Why do I feel angry?

Anger can be our way of expressing or responding to a range of other feelings, like:

When does anger become a problem?

Anger becomes a problem when it begins to affect a person's daily life and causes them to react in ways that might hurt themselves and/or others around them.

Signs that anger might be a problem include:

feeling angry a lot of the time at an intense and overwhelming level

having trouble controlling anger

feeling sad and distressed as a result of getting angry

using alcohol and other drugs to manage anger

feeling the need to use anger to get people to do something

withdrawing from people or situations

bottling things up rather than coping with them

regretting the things you did or said when you were angry

expressing anger by saying or doing something aggressive or violent (e.g., shouting, swearing, throwing or hitting things).

Anger vs aggression
Anger can sometimes lead to people being aggressive or violent but they're not the same. Anger is a feeling, but aggression and violence are actions, and it's these actions that can lead to problems.
Anger can sometimes feel intense and overwhelming, but it doesn't necessarily lead to violent or aggressive behaviour.

How can I manage my anger?

Here are five steps you can take to manage your anger in a healthy way.

For more information, to find your nearest headspace centre or for online and telephone support, visit eheadspace
The headspace Clinical Reference Group oversee and approve clinical resources made available on this website. Transgender Victoria also contributed to an earlier edition of this page. Last Reviewed 19 July 2018

You might also be interested in

Good mental health and wellbeing allows you to live your life in a positive and meaningful way and cope with life's changes and challenges.

When things get tough, it can help to access the right support and talk to someone who understands what young people go through

Get professional support

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What Is Anger & It's Effects on Mental Health | headspace

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Skip to main content Feeling anger is OK. Anger can help get us through hard feelings and situations and motivate us to change things we don't like about our life. Anger can become a problem when it comes out as aggression or affects a person's daily life and relationships.

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Feeling frustrated? Making space for mindfulness may help you process your anger and feel more at ease.

Mindfulness has many possible benefits, from relieving stress to strengthening your connection with yourself. It can also help you regulate strong emotions like anger.

If you're experiencing hot, tense emotions, you can use the guided meditation practice below, along with mindful breathing techniques, to soothe your nervous system.

Mindfulness is the practice of becoming aware of the present moment.

Many research studies have shown that meditation and mindfulness can have a powerful effect on your health and well-being. For example, a 2020 research review reported that these techniques may help reduce anxiety, stress, depression, and even blood pressure.

In her book " Mindful Anger: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom," psychotherapist Andrea Brandt, PhD, MFT, writes about how mindfulness may help with anger, too.

Early in her practice, she found that her clients could talk about their anger and identify when they felt angry - but their anger wasn't going away. Communicating their anger wasn't the issue, she writes. It was their inability to fully feel that anger.

For many of us, feeling our feelings is uncomfortable - especially when that emotion is anger. The tension may seem like too much. We don't want to deal with the discomfort, or we may worry about what we might discover on the other side.

Fully experiencing our emotions means they don't get buried and we receive the important information they're trying to give, Brandt writes.

Experiencing our emotions also means that we can make positive changes in our lives.

"Recognizing our true feelings makes it possible for us to change behaviors and situations that do not support us - leading to a more honest, satisfying life," according to Brandt.

Using mindfulness to feel your anger is one way you can connect with your emotions, process them, and help yourself feel more relaxed.

In her book, Brandt shares mindfulness strategies to help readers access, process, release, and resolve their anger.

Below is a mindfulness-based exercise from the book. It may help you tap into your anger and any other accompanying emotions through meditation:

1. Breathe. This involves finding a quiet spot and focus on your breathing.

2. Find alignment. Brandt advises standing with your feet a short distance apart from each other. It's important to make sure they line up with your hips and to bend your knees slightly. You may notice the support of the floor and can try to really feel how it holds you up. As Brandt writes, "Dig your feet and toes into it."

3. Ground yourself. Pulling your shoulders back and taking several slow breaths can help you ground yourself. Brandt instructs, "With your hands, knead the skin on your arms, neck, and shoulders." You're advised to pay attention to the sensations in your body.

4. Visualize what made you angry. You can think about an incident that triggered your anger. You may want to picture all the details until you can feel your anger rising.

5. Say it out loud. Once you feel your anger, you can acknowledge it by saying, "I am angry." Brandt suggests saying this in various ways, such as louder, softer, faster, or slower.

6. Notice what happens in your body. The next step is to notice what happens in your body when you're expressing your anger in the ways suggested above. For instance, do you feel hot, clammy, cold, confused, fatigued, floating, faint, nauseated, sweaty, shaky, stiff, tense, or weak?

7. Check for any feelings other than anger. It's helpful to name them out loud, one at a time, such as "I am hurt," "I feel embarrassed," "I am heartbroken," "I feel anxious," "I am scared," or "I am ambivalent."

8. Relax your stance. After you've mentioned all the feelings you're feeling, you can relax your stance and take several deep breaths.

9. Journal about this experience. For instance, you can start with: "It's safe to be present in my body. It's safe to feel my feelings." You may want to explore how just writing these sentences feels.

When you're able to tap into your anger - or any emotions - you're able to examine the message before you figure out how to respond, Brandt says.

Feeling your feelings may not be easy. It may not come naturally to you, especially if you have had challenging experiences or a history of trauma.

However, you can learn to feel and process your emotions in safe and healthy ways. If you'd like help working through this mindfulness example or exploring therapy for your anger, you may want to reach out to a mental health professional.

If you're looking for a way to instantly reduce your anger, you might consider a mindful breathing exercise.

You can try taking a few deep breaths, focusing on the breath entering and leaving your body with long inhales and exhales. It helps to repeat this until you feel calmer.

Deep breathing exercises can calm your nervous system. This helps ease tension and promotes relaxation. That's why breathing exercises are such a great option for moments of anxiety, stress, or tension.

Like breathing exercises, meditation can soothe your nervous system. It can also help you engage with and process difficult emotions like anger.

Mindfulness practices can help ease feelings of anger and frustration by helping you connect with your emotions.

If you experience anger very frequently or intensely - especially if it affects your relationships or leads to aggression - it may help to speak with a mental health professional. Psych Central's How to Find Mental Health Support resource can help you find a therapist and other support networks.

You can read more about ways to cope with anger in these Psych Central's articles:

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Mindfulness for Anger: How it Works and Guided Meditation

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Feeling frustrated? Making space for mindfulness may help you process your anger and feel more at ease. Mindfulness has many possible benefits, from relieving stress to strengthening your connection with yourself. It can also help you regulate strong emotions like anger.

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how do I deal with anger - and it's affects on mental health

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What is anger?

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Three animated clouds are next to each other, the first cloud has lots of punching fists coming out if it with the words underneath highlighted in yellow: 'outward aggression'. The second cloud has marks on its cheeks, aiming punches towards itself with the words highlighted in yellow underneath 'inward aggression', the third cloud looks fed up and has thunderbolts around it, the words underneath highlighted in yellow read: 'passive aggression'.

Anger is one of a range of emotions that we all experience. It's ok and perfectly normal to feel angry about things that you have experienced.

Anger can start to become a problem when you express it through unhelpful or destructive behaviour - either towards yourself or other people. It can also contribute to you developing mental health problems, like depression and anxiety, or make existing problems worse.

If you find yourself doing these sorts of things, it might be a sign that you need some support:

hitting or physically hurting other people

shouting at people

breaking things

losing control

spending time with people who get you into trouble

constantly ending relationships or getting in trouble at school or work

Types of aggression

Do you often find yourself being aggressive towards other people?

Are you frightening or worrying yourself, or those around you with your behaviour?

Do you tell yourself that you hate yourself, that you're useless, that you don't deserve things?

Do you shut yourself off from the world, deny yourself things that make you happy or self-harm?

Do you behave passive-aggressively towards other people? Do you ignore people, refuse to speak to them, or are you often sarcastic or sulky?

Why do I feel angry?

Everyone feels angry sometimes - and we all have different triggers. You may experience anger in situations where you feel powerless, or frustrated. This could be because of problems at home or school, or if you've fallen out with a friend, or had a break-up with a partner. You might start to feel angry if you feel misunderstood by people around you, like your parents, or if you are confused about your sexuality.

But sometimes, you can feel angry and not know why. This could be the result of lots of stress and different pressures building up around you. Or it could be because of something that happened to you in the past, like neglect or abuse. Recognising the types of situations which trigger your anger is the first step to figuring out what is causing it, and finding a way to make things better.
What happened the last time you were angry? We asked several people what anger feels like for them, and how they manage it.

How can anger affect me?

When we get angry, it can be hard to think things through - especially if that anger seems overwhelming or uncontrollable. And if we feel angry a lot of the time - in other words, if we get into constant patterns of thinking angry thoughts about ourselves or others - it's hard to take a step back and communicate in a healthy and productive way.

We may tense up and clench our teeth. Our hearts might pump faster, our stomachs might churn, and we may clench our fists. These are useful early warning signs that we are getting wound up.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to recognise just how much anger you are feeling, and how it is affecting you. This might be because you have lots of things going on in your life.

After getting angry about something you might start to feel guilty about it, and this can make you feel worse.

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The same young person wearing a black t-shirt holds three signs. The signs read:

Here are things I do when I feel myself getting angry.

1. First of all, take a breath
2. Exercise helps me get some built-up frustration out of my system

Show/hide caption

The same young person wearing a grey jumper holds three signs. The signs read:

Here are things I do when I feel myself getting angry

1. I talk about how I am feeling
2. I try and recognise I'm angry and listen to others

Show/hide caption

The same young person has long brown hair and wears a yellow jumper, they hold three signs which read:

Here are things I do when I feel myself getting angry

1. Putting on my favourite music really helps
2. Doing an action that helps me feel something different, like walking my dog

Tips for managing your anger

Issues with anger can lead to risky behaviour, refusing to go to school, isolation, eating problems, depression, and self-harm.

Drinking too much alcohol or taking drugs might be seen as ways of coping with anger issues, but remember they will make you feel worse and are likely to create bigger problems later.

Over time, you'll learn to manage your anger better yourself. When you feel angry or stressed you can try out different relaxation techniques to help you calm down, such as:

going for a walk

listening to music

taking deep breaths

doing some exercise

doing something you enjoy - skateboarding, painting, swimming

talking to someone about how you are feeling

playing computer games to take your mind off it

reading a book

having a hot bath

If you have a problem with someone, think about what you want to say beforehand and how you want to get your point across. Listen to their point of view and calmly put yours across too.

If you feel your anger levels rising, walk away from a situation to calm down, rather than saying or doing something you might regret later. You can learn to manage your anger and find techniques that work for you.

Our Activists share their anger management tips:

Read real stories about dealing with anger

Getting help for anger

If you often feel angry there are things you can do to help yourself. Other people can help too.

Talk about how you are feeling. Parents or carers and other family members, such as grandparents, may be good listeners. Your close friends and other family friends may be able to help.

At school, find a teacher, mentor, counsellor or school nurse who you trust. In the community, social workers, youth workers and leaders will also be able to listen.

You can also see your GP. They may be able to suggest some treatment or recommend a counsellor.

Your GP may refer you to your child and adolescent mental health service (CAMHS) where you would talk to a specialist about your feelings and behaviour. The specialist may advise you how to deal with these. They may also suggest counselling if there are problems or things that happened in the past that may be causing your anger issues now.

If counselling is your best option, the specialist arranges a series of confidential one-to-one sessions with a counsellor or therapist.

You can talk with them about concerns or problems you might have. The counsellor will help you work through your issues and give you skills and strategies to deal with your anger better. Find out more about what support you can get through counselling on our page.

If you are a parent or carer of a child or young person who has anger issues, take a look at our parents guide to anger advice page. We can also support you through our Parents Helpline. We are here to listen to you, and give you free, confidential advice and information.

Keep a note of how you're feeling:

What happened that made you angry?

How did you respond? Did it help?

How did you feel afterwards?

What else is on your mind? Is there something making you feel worried, scared or alone?

It helps to talk about how you're feeling. You could try saying:

"I've been feeling really wound up recently and I'm starting to think something might be wrong. Can I talk to you about it?"

"I want to talk to you about something that's been bothering me."

Here are some organisations and helpline services who can support you with what you're going through right now.

Whether you love the page or think something is missing, we appreciate your feedback. It all helps us to support more young people with their mental health.

Please be aware that this form isn't a mental health support service. If you are in crisis right now and want to talk to someone urgently, find out who to contact on our urgent help page.

At YoungMinds we take your privacy seriously. If you'd like to read more about how we keep the information we collect safe, take a look at our privacy policy.

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What To Do If You Are Struggling With Anger

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We all feel angry sometimes, often for a good reason. But sometimes, we might be feeling angry a lot, or find it becomes uncontrollable or harmful.

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Well-managed anger can be a useful emotion that motivates you to make positive changes. On the other hand, anger is a powerful emotion and if it isn't handled appropriately, it may have destructive results for you and those closest to you. Uncontrolled anger can lead to arguments, physical fights, physical abuse, assault and self-harm.

Physical effects of anger

Anger triggers the body's 'fight or flight' response. Other emotions that trigger this response include fear, excitement and anxiety. The adrenal glands flood the body with stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol.The brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. Heart rate, blood pressure and respiration increase, the body temperature rises and the skin perspires. The mind is sharpened and focused.

Health problems with anger

The constant flood of stress chemicals and associated metabolic changes that go with ongoing unmanaged anger can eventually cause harm to many different systems of the body.

Some of the short and long-term health problems that have been linked to unmanaged anger include:

headache

digestion problems, such as abdominal pain

insomnia

increased anxiety

depression

high blood pressure

skin problems, such as eczema

heart attack

stroke.

Expressing anger in healthy ways

Suggestions on how to express your anger in healthy ways include:

If you feel out of control, walk away from the situation temporarily, until you cool down.

Recognise and accept the emotion as normal and part of life.

Try to pinpoint the exact reasons why you feel angry.

Once you have identified the problem, consider coming up with different strategies for how to remedy the situation.

Do something physical, such as going for a run or playing sport.

Talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling.

Unhelpful ways to deal with anger

Many people express their anger in inappropriate and harmful ways, including:

anger explosions - some people have very little control over their anger and tend to explode in rages. Raging anger may lead to physical abuse or violence. A person who doesn't control their temper can isolate themselves from family and friends. Some people who fly into rages have low self-esteem, and use their anger as a way to manipulate others and feel powerful. For more information, see '' on the White Ribbon Australia website

anger repression - some people consider that anger is an inappropriate or 'bad' emotion and choose to suppress it. However, bottled anger often turns into depression and anxiety. Some people vent their bottled anger at innocent parties, such as children or pets.

Dealing with arguments

When you have had an argument, it is easy to stay angry or upset with the other person. If you don't resolve an argument with a person you see often, it can be a very uncomfortable experience.

Talking to the person about your disagreement may or may not help. If you do approach them, make sure it is in a helpful way. Stay calm and communicate openly and honestly.

If the person could be violent or abusive, it may be best not to approach them directly. You could talk to them over the phone to see if they are open to finding a solution to the argument, if you feel safe to do so. It might be helpful to ask someone to be there with you, to give you support when you make the call and afterwards.

Try and tell the person how you feel as a result of their opinion, but avoid trying to tell them how they feel. It is possible to agree to disagree. You may need someone else to help you resolve the disagreement. You could ask a trusted third person to act as a go-between and help you both get another view on the argument.

Reasons for dealing with arguments

There are good reasons for dealing with arguments, including:

It will give you a sense of achievement and make you feel more positive.

You may feel more relaxed, healthier and more able to get a good night's sleep.

You may develop stronger relationships.

You may feel happier.

Suggestions for long-term anger management

The way you typically express anger may take some time to modify. Suggestions include:

Keep a diary of your anger outbursts, to try and understand how and why you get mad.

Consider training, or learning about techniques of .

Learn relaxation techniques, such as or .

See a counsellor or psychologist if you still feel angry about events that occurred in your past.

Exercise regularly.

Benefits of regular exercise in mood management

People who are stressed are more likely to experience anger. Numerous worldwide studies have documented that regular exercise can improve mood and reduce stress levels. This may be because physical exertion burns up stress chemicals, and it also boosts production of mood-regulating neurotransmitters in the brain, including endorphins and catecholamines.

Teaching children how to express anger

Expressing anger appropriately is a learned behaviour. Suggestions on helping your child to deal with strong feelings include:

Lead by example.

Let them know that anger is natural and should be expressed appropriately.

Treat your child's feelings with respect.

Teach practical problem-solving skills.

Encourage open and honest communication in the home.

Allow them to express their anger in appropriate ways.

Explain the difference between aggression and anger.

Have consequences for aggression or violence, but not appropriately expressed anger.

Teach your child different ways of calming and soothing themselves.

Where to get help

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Well-managed anger can be a useful emotion that motivates you to make positive changes. On the other hand, anger is a powerful emotion and if it isn't handled appropriately, it may have destructive results for you and those closest to you. Uncontrolled anger can lead to arguments, physical fights, physical abuse, assault and self-harm.

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We all experience anger. Managed in healthy ways, anger can be a positive thing-a red flag that something's wrong, a catalyst for change, a good self-motivator. Handled poorly, anger can cause health and relationship problems.

For many, especially those who didn't have positive role models for anger management while growing up, dealing with anger can be confusing; it's hard to know what to do with such a powerful and potentially destructive emotion.

Examining your anger and using other anger management techniques can positively impact your health, relationships, and overall happiness.﻿﻿ It's simple to do. Here are some proven anger management strategies.

Understand Your Anger

Dealing with anger is much easier when you know what you're really angry about. Sometimes people may feel generally irritable because of stress, sleep deprivation, and other factors; more often, there's a more specific reason for the anger.﻿﻿

Either way, you can become more aware of what's behind your anger if you keep an anger journal (a record of what makes you angry throughout the day) for a few weeks, then talk it over with a good friend, or even see a therapist to uncover underlying sources of anger, if you find yourself stumped. Once you are more aware of your sources of anger, you can take steps to deal with it.

Express Yourself-Constructively

Research shows that writing about anger and expressing it constructively can help reduce negative mood and even pain, particularly if the writing leads to 'meaning-making,' or speculation into the causes of the anger.﻿﻿

This research, as well as other research on the benefits of journaling, supports the effectiveness of writing down your feelings and working through them on paper. The written expression of anger allows you to actively do something with your anger rather than just letting it make you feel bad.﻿﻿

Take Action

Your anger is telling you something. The first part of dealing with anger, as discussed, is examining it and listening to what it's telling you about your life. The next part involves taking action. Knowing why you're upset can go a long way, but eliminating your anger triggers and fixing problems that make you angry are equally important.﻿﻿

Don't Obsess

Ruminating on your anger isn't actually helpful. Studies show that, among other things, those who have a tendency to ruminate over situations that have made them angry in their past tend to experience higher blood pressure as a result, putting them at greater risk for organ damage and associated health problems.﻿﻿ Trying to solve a problem is a good idea, but stewing in your anger is not. Mindfulness meditation is a proven strategy for minimizing rumination.﻿﻿

Don't Over-Talk It

Discussing your anger is a tricky thing. Talking about your anger with a trusted friend can be an effective strategy for dealing with anger-to a point. It can help you better understand your feelings, brainstorm problem-solving strategies, and strengthen your relationship.

However, there's also evidence that repeatedly discussing topics that make you angry with your friends can actually make you both feel worse, and increase stress hormones in your blood.﻿﻿ If you're dealing with anger by talking to friends about it, it's best to minimize how much you discuss the situation, exploring solutions as well as your feelings.

Most of us have been involved in conversations that are basically complaint sessions or downward spirals of negative emotion; it's best to change the subject to a happier topic before it gets that far. If you find yourself wanting to talk a lot about what is making you angry, it might be a good idea to schedule a few sessions with a therapist, who may have some effective ideas on dealing with anger.﻿﻿

A Word From Verywell

If you're struggling to manage your anger, or if your anger is causing problems in your life, you may want to consider professional help. Sometimes, mental health issues like depression or anxiety can contribute to anger management problems. Talk to your physician about a referral to a therapist or even an anger management class.

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Dealing With Anger in a Healthy Way Is Crucial

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We all experience anger. Managed in healthy ways, anger can be a positive thing-a red flag that something's wrong, a catalyst for change, a good self-motivator. Handled poorly, anger can cause health and relationship problems. For many, especially those who didn't have positive role models for anger management while growing up, dealing with anger can be confusing; it's hard to know what to do with such a powerful and potentially destructive emotion.

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Anger in itself isn't necessarily a problem. Anger can be healthy in that it can not only alert us to issues that we may need to change in our lives, but it can also motivate us to make these changes.

Connections Between Anger and Stress

When we feel overly stressed, we can become more prone to anger, and in this state, both anger and stress can become more difficult to manage. When the fight or flight response is triggered and we are physiologically aroused as a result, we may find ourselves more easily angered. Here are some reasons for this:

When stressed, we may more often perceive a situation as threatening, and this can trigger anger more easily.

When the fight or flight response is triggered, we may not be thinking as clearly or rationally, which can leave us feeling less capable of coping.

When physiologically aroused by the body's stress response, emotions can escalate more quickly, which can lead to a quick temper.

Factors that contribute to stress, like threats to social standing, emotional wellbeing, or just too many demands, can also lead to anger.

Anger and stress can feed off of each other, where we may become more easily angered when stressed, and poor reactions to anger can create more stress.

Challenges That Result From Poorly Managed Anger

Like poorly managed stress, anger that isn't handled in a healthy way can be not only uncomfortable but even damaging to one's health and personal life. This can, of course, lead to greater levels of stress and anger. Consider the following research on anger:

One study from the University of Washington School of Nursing studied anger problems in husbands and wives.﻿﻿ Researchers cited previous evidence that anger problems and depressive symptoms have been linked to all major causes of death. However, the women had a greater association between anger and symptoms of depression, while the men tended to experience an association between anger and health problems.

According to a study from Ohio State University, those who had less control over their anger tended to heal more slowly from wounds.﻿﻿ Researchers gave blisters to 98 participants and found that, after 8 days, those who had less control over their anger also tended to be slower healers. In addition, those participants also tended to have more cortisol (a stress hormone) in their system during the blistering procedure, suggesting that they may be more stressed by difficult situations as well.

Another study from the Harvard School of Public Health studied hostility in men and found that those with higher rates of hostility not only had poorer pulmonary functioning (breathing problems) but experienced higher rates of decline as they aged.﻿﻿

Research with children and adolescents shows that anger management is important for the younger set as well.﻿﻿ Findings showed that youth who cope inappropriately with their anger are at greater risk for problem-ridden interpersonal relationships. Their health is also at risk; those who cope poorly with anger tend to have more negative outcomes when it comes to both mental and general health. This highlights the fact that anger management is an important skill to learn early in life.

These are just a few of the many studies linking anger to physical and emotional health problems, from the obvious to the unexpected. Because poorly managed anger presents such a significant problem in so many areas of life, it's important to take steps toward learning and using healthy anger management techniques in daily life, along with stress management techniques.

Managing Rather Than Ignoring Anger

Anger should be managed rather than stifled or ignored because it can provide us with information about what we want, what we don't want, and what we need to do next. When seen as a signal to listen to rather than an emotion to ignore or be ashamed of, anger can be a useful tool. Listening to anger as a signal does not, however, mean believing and acting on every angry thought we have or urge we have when enraged, obviously.

Uncontrolled anger can lead to greater problems than the issues that triggered the anger in the first place. It is important to pay attention to feelings of anger when they are mild, evaluate where they are coming from, and decide in a rational manner the best course of action to take to manage the anger and the situation that triggered the anger. This can be easier said than done, however.

Here are some things to remember when managing anger.

1. Calm Your Body

When our anger is triggered, it can be easy to react in a way that makes things worse, whether that means saying things we'll regret or taking rash actions that may not take into account all aspects of a situation. It's better to respond from a place of calm than to react from a place of rage. This is why calming your body and mind is a valuable first step in managing anger, if possible.

2. Identify the Cause of Your Anger

Oftentimes we immediately know what has made us angry, but not always. When we feel angry, sometimes we're angry with something else and the target we've identified is safer than the one that's really made us angry (like when we're upset with someone who could hurt us, so we take the anger out on someone who is less threatening).

Sometimes there are many things that have built up, and the trigger of our anger is simply the final straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. And sometimes the triggering event has simply hit on some deeper unresolved anger that we've been harboring; this is often the case when our response seems disproportionate to the triggering event, particularly when other stresses and triggers aren't obviously involved.

What You Can Do

3. Decide on a Course of Action

Again, you can enlist the support of a journal, friend, or therapist with this one. Stress management techniques can also come in handy here as well. Techniques that help shift perspective, like cognitive reframing, can help you look at things differently and possibly see something that makes you less angry with the situation, or see solutions that you may not have seen initially.

Looking for other people's perspectives can also be useful in both providing ideas for other actions to take, and alternate points of view to see the situation differently, perhaps in a way that feels less frustrating. Additionally, using resilience-building stress management techniques can help you to build emotional resilience that may help with anger as well.

Know When to Seek Support

Some people have chronic issues with anger, and some people may find themselves in a specific situation that triggers overwhelming feelings. If you feel that you could use more support with anger management, discussing your thoughts and feelings with a therapist can be extremely helpful, not only in addressing specific issues that trigger anger but in creating a plan to manage anger and stress in a healthy way in the future. If you feel you need additional support in managing anger, don't be afraid to seek this support.

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Simple Ways to Get Anger and Stress Under Control

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Anger in itself isn't necessarily a problem. Anger can be healthy in that it can not only alert us to issues that we may need to change in our lives, but it can also motivate us to make these changes.

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Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper

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Want to get your anger under control? Start by considering these 10 anger management tips.

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Anger can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. Learn how to control it.

Cite this

American Psychological Association. (2023, November 3). Control anger before it controls you. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage. Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems-problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life.

Anger can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

What is anger?

The nature of anger

Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

Expressing anger

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.

On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
[Related: Want to achieve your goals? Get angry]
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive-not aggressive-manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward-on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone-or something-is going to get hurt."

Anger management

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Are you too angry?

There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.

Why are some people more angry than others?

According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.

People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.

Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.

Is it good to "let it all hang out?"

Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.

It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.

Strategies to keep anger at bay

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."

Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.

Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.

Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Cognitive restructuring

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger.

As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions-frustration, disappointment, hurt-but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better communication

Angry people tend to jump to-and act on-conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger-or a partner's-let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using humor

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should not have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing your environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some other tips for easing up on yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night-perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit-try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.

Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project-learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Do you need counseling?

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell them that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about their approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"-that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.

What about assertiveness training?

It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.

Remember, you can't eliminate anger-and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.

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Anger is a normal, healthy response to a threat and may be used for a constructive purpose. When anger becomes uncontrollable or is unexpressed, it may lead to destructive thoughts or actions. Learn how to control it.

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In challenging times, you may find that you have little patience with other people or get upset over minor things. Anger and frustration are complicated emotions that often stem from other feelings, like disappointment, fear, and stress. Taking some extra steps to decrease your overall tension can prevent your feelings (and the reactions that they cause) from spiraling out of control.

Fast Facts

Of people who took an anxiety screen at mhascreening.org in 2020, 71% felt easily annoyed or irritable at least half of the time or nearly every day. [1]

Of people who took a bipolar screen at mhascreening.org in 2020, 82% reported being so irritable that they shouted at people or started ÿghts or arguments. [2]

One poll found that 91% of respondents said that they feel people are more likely to express their anger on social media than they are face-to-face. [3]

Tips for Coping

Get Screened Now

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In challenging times, you may find that you have little patience with other people or get upset over minor things. Anger and frustration are complicated emotions that often stem from other feelings, like disappointment, fear, and stress. Taking some extra steps to decrease your overall tension can prevent your feelings (and the reactions that they cause) from spiraling out of control.

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Therapy can teach you easy strategies for controlling your temper.

Most people get angry at least a few times a week. That's perfectly normal, say psychologists.

What's not normal is intense anger that happens more frequently and lasts longer than the brief irritation most of us occasionally feel. Other warning signs include physical aggression, nasty responses and problems with your relationships, job or health as a result of your temper.

Therapy can help. Psychologists use three basic strategies to treat anger:

Relaxation. Psychologists train patients in a technique called "progressive relaxation" until they're able to relax simply by thinking of a particular word or image.

Psychologists then ask patients to spend a minute or two thinking intensely about a situation that makes them excessively angry, such as other drivers going too slow. Psychologists then help patients relax.

Psychologists and patients practice this sequence over and over again. After about eight sessions, patients are typically able to relax on their own.

Cognitive therapy. Often the way people think when they're angry makes situations worse. When another driver cuts you off, for instance, you might think, "You idiot! Everyone's trying to make me late today!"

In cognitive therapy, psychologists help patients find alternative ways of thinking about and reacting to anger. Instead of thinking bad thoughts about the other driver, for example, you could think instead, "Whoa! That was an accident waiting to happen."

Skill development. Learning new behaviors can also help. Parents might need to find better ways of communicating with their children, for instance. Angry drivers might benefit from learning safe driving skills.

Combining all three approaches seems to work best, say researchers.

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How a psychologist can help you manage anger

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Therapy can teach you easy strategies for controlling your temper. Most people get angry at least a few times a week. That's perfectly normal, say psychologists. What's not normal is intense anger that happens more frequently and lasts longer than the brief irritation most of us occasionally feel.

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Wrath, fury, rage - whatever you call it, anger is a powerful emotion. Unfortunately, it's often an unhelpful one.

Anger is a natural human experience, and sometimes there are valid reasons to get mad like feeling hurt by something someone said or did or experiencing frustration over a situation at work or home. But uncontrolled anger can be problematic for your personal relationships and for your health.

Fortunately, there are tools you can learn to help you keep your anger in check.

Understanding anger

Anger can take different forms. Some people feel angry much of the time, or can't stop dwelling on an event that made them mad. Others get angry less often, but when they do it comes out as explosive bouts of rage.

Whatever shape it takes, uncontrolled anger can negatively affect physical health and emotional wellbeing. Research shows that anger and hostility can increase people's chances of developing coronary heart disease, and lead to worse outcomes in people who already have heart disease. Anger can also lead to stress-related problems including insomnia, digestive problems and headaches.

Anger can also contribute to violent and risky behaviors, including drug and alcohol use. And on top of all that, anger can significantly damage relationships with family, friends and colleagues.

Strategies to keep anger at bay

Anger can be caused by internal and external events. You might feel mad at a person, an entity like the company you work for, or an event like a traffic jam or a political election. Wherever the feelings come from, you don't have to let your anger get the better of you. Here are some techniques to help you stay calm.

Check yourself. It's hard to make smart choices when you're in the grips of a powerful negative emotion. Rather than trying to talk yourself down from a cliff, avoid climbing it in the first place. Try to identify warning signs that you're starting to get annoyed. When you recognize the signs, step away from the situation or try relaxation techniques to prevent your irritation from escalating.

Don't dwell. Some people have a tendency to keep rehashing the incident that made them mad. That's an unproductive strategy, especially if you have already resolved the issue that angered you in the first place. Instead, try to let go of the past incident. One way to do that is to focus instead on things you appreciate about the person or the situation that made you angry.

Change the way you think. When you're angry, it's easy to feel like things are worse than they really are. Through a technique known as cognitive restructuring, you can replace unhelpful negative thoughts with more reasonable ones. Instead of thinking "Everything is ruined," for example, tell yourself "This is frustrating, but it's not the end of the world."

Try these strategies to reframe your thinking:

Avoid words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or others. Statements like "This never works" or "You're always forgetting things" make you feel your anger is justified. Such statements also alienate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Use logic. Even when it's justified, anger can quickly become irrational. Remind yourself that the world is not out to get you. Do this each time you start feeling angry, and you'll get a more balanced perspective.

Translate expectations into desires. Angry people tend to demand things, whether it's fairness, appreciation, agreement or willingness to do things their way. Try to change your demands into requests. And if things don't go your way, try not to let your disappointment turn into anger.

Relax. Simple relaxation strategies, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help soothe angry feelings. If you practice one or more of these strategies often, it will be easier to apply them when angry feelings strike.

Focused breathing. Shallow breathing is angry breathing. Practice taking controlled, slow breaths that you picture coming up from your belly rather than your chest.

Use imagery. Visualize a relaxing experience from your memory or your imagination.

Progressive muscle relaxation. With this technique, you slowly tense then relax each muscle group one at a time. For example, you might start with your toes and slowly work your way up to your head and neck.

Improve your communication skills. People often jump to conclusions when they're angry, and they can say the first (often unkind) thing that pops into their heads. Try to stop and listen before reacting. Then take time to think carefully about how you want to reply. If you need to step away to cool down before continuing the conversation, make a promise to come back later to finish the discussion.

Get active. Regular physical exercise can help you decompress, burn off extra tension and reduce stress that can fuel angry outbursts.

Recognize (and avoid) your triggers. Give some thought to the things that make you mad. If you know you always get angry driving downtown at rush hour, take the bus or try to adjust your schedule to make the trip at a less busy time. If you always argue with your spouse at night, avoid bringing up contentious topics when you're both tired. If you're constantly annoyed that your child hasn't cleaned his room, shut the door so you don't have to look at the mess.

You can't completely eliminate angry feelings. But you can make changes to the way those events affect you, and the ways in which you respond. By making the effort to keep your anger in check, you and the people close to you will be happier for the long run.

How a psychologist can help

If you continue to feel overwhelmed, consult with a psychologist or other licensed mental health professional who can help you learn how to control your anger. He or she can help you identify problem areas and then develop an action plan for changing them.

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Strategies for controlling your anger: Keeping anger in check

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Wrath, fury, rage - whatever you call it, anger is a powerful emotion. Unfortunately, it's often an unhelpful one. Anger is a natural human experience, and sometimes there are valid reasons to get mad like feeling hurt by something someone said or did or experiencing frustration over a situation at work or home.

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Tools for teaching children to recognize anger and how to appropriately express their frustration.

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When Tempers Flare

Do you lose your temper and wonder why? Are there days when you feel like you just wake up angry?

Some of it may be the changes your body's going through: All those hormones you hear so much about can cause mood swings and confused emotions. Some of it may be stress: People who are under a lot of pressure tend to get angry more easily. Part of it may be your personality: You may be someone who feels your emotions intensely or tends to act impulsively or lose control. And part of it may be your role models: Maybe you've seen other people in your family blow a fuse when they're mad.

No matter what pushes your buttons, one thing is certain - you're sure to get angry sometimes. Everyone does. Anger is a normal emotion, and there's nothing wrong with feeling mad. What counts is how we handle it (and ourselves) when we're angry.

Tools to Tame a Temper: Self-Awareness & Self-Control

Because anger can be powerful, managing it is sometimes challenging. It takes plenty of self-awareness and self-control to manage angry feelings. And these skills take time to develop.

Self-awareness is the ability to notice what you're feeling and thinking, and why. Little kids aren't very aware of what they feel, they just act it out in their behavior. That's why you see them having tantrums when they're mad. But teens have the mental ability to be self-aware. When you get angry, take a moment to notice what you're feeling and thinking.

Self-control is all about thinking before you act. It puts some precious seconds or minutes between feeling a strong emotion and taking an action you'll regret.

Together, self-awareness and self-control allow you to have more choice about how to act when you're feeling an intense emotion like anger.

Getting Ready to Make a Change

Deciding to get control of your anger - rather than letting it control you - means taking a good hard look at the ways you've been reacting when you get mad. Do you tend to yell and scream or say hurtful, mean, disrespectful things? Do you throw things, kick or punch walls, break stuff? Hit someone, hurt yourself, or push and shove others around?

For most people who have trouble harnessing a hot temper, reacting like this is not what they want. They feel ashamed by their behavior and don't think it reflects the real them, their best selves.

Everyone can change - but only when they want to. If you want to make a big change in how you're handling your anger, think about what you'll gain from that change. More self-respect? More respect from other people? Less time feeling annoyed and frustrated? A more relaxed approach to life? Remembering why you want to make the change can help.

It can also help to remind yourself that making a change takes time, practice, and patience. It won't happen all at once. Managing anger is about developing new skills and new responses. As with any skill, like playing basketball or learning the piano, it helps to practice over and over again.

The Five-Step Approach to Managing Anger

If something happens that makes you feel angry, this approach can help you manage your reaction. It's called a problem-solving approach because you start with the problem you're mad about. Then you weigh your choices and decide what you'll do.

Each step involves asking yourself a couple of questions, then answering them based on your particular situation.

Let's take this example: There's a party you're planning to go to, but your mom just told you to clean your room or stay home. The red-hot anger starts building.

Here's what to do:

1) Identify the problem (self-awareness). Start by noticing what you're angry about and why. Put into words what's making you upset so you can act rather than react.

Ask yourself: What's got me angry? What am I feeling and why? You can do this either in your mind or out loud, but it needs to be clear and specific. For example: "I'm really angry at Mom because she won't let me go to the party until I clean my room. It's not fair!" Your feeling is anger, and you're feeling angry because you might not get to go to the party.

Notice that this is not the same as saying, "Mom's so unfair to me." That statement doesn't identify the specific problem (that you can't go to the party until you clean your room) and it doesn't say how you're feeling (angry).

2) Think of potential solutions before responding (self-control). This is where you stop for a minute to give yourself time to manage your anger. It's also where you start thinking of how you might react - but without reacting yet.

Ask yourself: What can I do? Think of at least three things. For example, in this situation you might think:

(a) I could yell at Mom and throw a fit.
(b) I could clean my room and then ask if I could go to the party.
(c) I could sneak out to the party anyway.

3) Consider the consequences of each solution (think it through). This is where you think about what is likely to result from each of the different reactions you came up with.

Ask yourself: What will happen for each one of these options? For example:

(a) Yelling at your mom may get you in worse trouble or even grounded.
(b) Cleaning your room takes work and you may get to the party late (but maybe that adds to your mystique). With this option, you get to go to the party and your room's clean so you don't have to worry about it for a while.
(c) Sneaking out may seem like a real option in the heat of anger. But when you really think it through, it's pretty unlikely you'd get away with being gone for hours with no one noticing. And when you do get caught - look out!

4) Make a decision (pick one of your options). This is where you take action by choosing one of the three things you could do. Look at the list and pick the one that is likely to be most effective.

Ask yourself: What's my best choice? By the time you've thought it through, you're probably past yelling at your mom, which is a knee-jerk response. You may have also decided that sneaking out is too risky. Neither of these options is likely to get you to the party. So option (b) probably seems like the best choice.

Once you choose your solution, then it's time to act.

5) Check your progress. After you've acted and the situation is over, spend some time thinking about how it went.

Ask yourself: How did I do? Did things work out as I expected? If not, why not? Am I satisfied with the choice I made? Taking some time to reflect on how things worked out after it's all over is a very important step. It helps you learn about yourself and it allows you to test which problem-solving approaches work best in different situations.

Give yourself a pat on the back if the solution you chose worked out well. If it didn't, go back through the five steps and see if you can figure out why.

These five steps are pretty simple when you're calm, but are much tougher to work through when you're angry or sad (kind of like in basketball practice when making baskets is much easier than in a real game when the pressure is on!). So it helps to practice over and over again.

Other Ways to Manage Anger

The five-step approach is good when you're in a particular situation that's got you mad and you need to decide what action to take. But other things can help you manage anger too.

Try these things even if you're not mad right now to help prevent angry feelings from building up inside.

Exercise. Go for a walk/run, work out, or go play a sport. Lots of research has shown that exercise is a great way to improve your mood and decrease negative feelings.

Listen to music (with your headphones on). Music has also been shown to change a person's mood pretty quickly. And if you dance, then you're exercising and it's a two-for-one.

Write down your thoughts and emotions. You can write things in lots of ways; for example, in a journal or as your own poetry or song lyrics. After you've written it down, you can keep it or throw it away - it doesn't matter. The important thing is, writing down your thoughts and feelings can improve how you feel. When you notice, label, and release feelings as they show up in smaller portions, they don't have a chance to build up inside.

Draw. Scribbling, doodling, or sketching your thoughts or feelings might help too.

Meditate or practice deep breathing. This one works best if you do it regularly, as it's more of an overall stress management technique that can help you use self-control when you're mad. If you do this regularly, you'll find that anger is less likely to build up.

Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Lots of times there are other emotions, such as fear or sadness, beneath anger. Talking about them can help.

Distract yourself. If you find yourself stewing about something and just can't seem to let go, it can help to do something that will get your mind past what's bugging you - watch TV, read, or go to the movies.

These ideas can be helpful for two reasons:

1. They help you cool down when you feel like your anger might explode. When you need to cool down, do one or more of the activities in the list above. Think of these as alternatives to taking an action you'll regret, such as yelling at someone. Some of them, like writing down feelings, can help you release tension and begin the thinking process at the same time.

2. They help you manage anger in general. What if there's no immediate problem to solve - you simply need to shift into a better mood? Sometimes when you're angry, you just need to stop dwelling on how mad you are.

When to Ask for Extra Help

Sometimes anger is a sign that more is going on. People who have frequent trouble with anger, who get in fights or arguments, who get punished, who have life situations that give them reason to often be angry may need special help to get a problem with anger under control.

Tell your parents, a teacher, a counselor, or another adult you trust if any of these things have been happening:

You have a lasting feeling of anger over things that have either happened to you in the past or are going on now.

You feel irritable, grumpy, or in a bad mood more often than not.

You feel consistent anger or rage at yourself.

You feel anger that lasts for days or makes you want to hurt yourself or someone else.

You're often getting into fights or arguments.

These could be signs of depression or something else - and you shouldn't have to handle that alone.

Anger is a strong emotion. It can feel overwhelming at times. Learning how to deal with strong emotions - without losing control - is part of becoming more mature. It takes a little effort, a little practice, and a little patience, but you can get there if you want to.

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Do you lose your temper and wonder why? Are there days when you feel like you just wake up angry? Some of it may be the changes your body's going through: All those hormones you hear so much about can cause mood swings and confused emotions.

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Is your temper hijacking your life? Learn how to control your anger with these straightforward anger management tips.

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It's tough for both parents and kids when a child who struggles with anger. Some children grow frustrated easily. They blow up over seemingly minor events. They yell. They might even become aggressive.

If your child has angry outbursts, and especially if your child's anger interferes with their relationships and quality of life, it's important to teach them the skills they need to deal with their feelings in a healthy way. Guidance from a mental-health professional can also be very helpful.

Teach Your Child About Feelings

Kids are more likely to lash out when they don't understand their feelings or they're not able to verbalize them. A child who can't say "I'm mad!" may try to show they're angry by lashing out. Or a child who isn't able to perceive or explain that they're sad may misbehave to get your attention.

To help your child learn to identify and label feelings, begin by teaching basic feeling words such as "mad," "sad," "happy," and "scared." Label your child's feelings for them by saying, "It looks like you feel really angry right now." Over time, they'll learn to label their own emotions.

As your child develops a better understanding of their emotions and how to describe them, teach them more sophisticated feeling words such as frustrated, disappointed, worried, and lonely.

Create an Anger Thermometer

Anger thermometers are tools that help kids recognize the signs that their anger is rising. Draw a large thermometer on a piece of paper. Start at the bottom with a 0 and fill in the numbers up until 10, which should land at the top of the thermometer.

At a time when your child is not feeling upset or angry, talk about what happens in their body at each number on the thermometer. Your child might say they are smiling when they're at a level 0 but have a mad face when they reach level 5. They might feel their face get hot when they are at 2 and they might make fists with their hands when they are at 7. By the time they get to 10, they may feel like an angry monster.

Using the thermometer helps kids learn to recognize anger when it's happening. Eventually, they can make the connection that when their anger temperature starts to rise, taking a break can help them cool it down.

Develop a Calm-Down Plan

Teach children what to do when they begin to feel angry. Rather than throw blocks when they're frustrated, for example, they might go to their room or a designated "calming corner."

Encourage them to color, read a book, or engage in another calming activity until they feel better. You might even create a calm-down kit. This could include your child's favorite coloring books and some crayons, a fun book to read, stickers, a favorite toy, or lotion that smells good.

When they're upset, you can say, "Go get your calm-down kit." This encourages your child to take responsibility for calming themselves down.

Cultivate Anger Management Skills

One of the best ways to help a child who feels angry is to teach them specific anger management techniques. Taking deep breaths, for example, can calm your child's mind and their body when they are upset. Going for a quick walk, counting to 10, or repeating a helpful phrase might also help.

Teach other skills, such as impulse control skills and self-discipline, as well. Some kids need a fair amount of coaching to help practice those skills when they're upset.

Don't Give In to Tantrums

Sometimes kids discover that angry outbursts are an effective way to get their needs met. If a child throws a temper tantrum and their parents give them a toy to keep them quiet, they will learn that temper tantrums are effective.

Don't give in to your child to avoid a meltdown. Although that may be easier in the short-term, in the long run giving in will only make behavior problems and aggression worse. Instead, work on connecting with your child so they feel more confident that their needs will be met.

Follow Through With Consequences

Consistent discipline is necessary to help your child learn that aggression or disrespectful behavior isn't acceptable. If your child breaks the rules, follow through with a consequence each time.

Time-out or taking away privileges can be effective discipline strategies. If your child breaks something when they are angry, have them help repair it or do chores to raise money for repairs.

Avoid Violent Media

If your child displays aggressive behavior, exposing them to violent TV shows or video games may exacerbate the problem. Focus on exposing them to books, games, and shows that model healthy conflict resolution skills.

A Word From Verywell

Kids don't enjoy feeling angry or having angry outbursts. Often, they are reacting to frustration and an inability to manage their own big feelings. Helping your child learn to respond appropriately to anger and other negative emotions will have a positive impact on their life at home and at school. If you're struggling, ask your child's pediatrician or school counselor for help.

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7 Ways to Teach Anger Management Skills to Children

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It's tough for both parents and kids when a child who struggles with anger. Some children grow frustrated easily. They blow up over seemingly minor events. They yell. They might even become aggressive.

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Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. But many kids struggle to understand the difference between angry feelings and aggressive behavior. Frustration and anger can quickly turn into defiance, disrespect, aggression, and temper tantrums when kids don't know how to deal with their emotions.

When left unchecked, childhood aggression such as fighting, arguing, yelling, spitting, and teasing can lead to additional issues. For instance, anger and aggression have been linked to academic problems, peer rejections, and poor mental health in adulthood. For kids who have trouble taming their tempers, use these five strategies to teach anger management skills.

How to Teach Your Child to Control Anger

Distinguish between emotions and actions

Model anger management skills

Set rules for handling anger

Teach healthy coping skills

Use consequences

Differentiate Between Feelings and Behavior

Teach kids to label their feelings, so they can verbalize feelings of anger, frustration, and disappointment. Try saying, "It's OK to feel angry but it's not OK to hit." Help them see that they're in control of their actions when they feel angry.

Sometimes, aggressive behavior stems from a variety of uncomfortable feelings, like sadness or embarrassment. So, help your kids explore why they are feeling angry. Maybe they feel sad about a playdate being canceled, but they respond in anger because it's easier or it masks the hurt they're feeling.

Talking about feelings often and over time helps kids learn to recognize their feelings better.

Model Appropriate Anger Management Skills

The best way to teach children how to deal with anger is by showing them how you deal with your emotions when you feel angry. When kids watch you lose your temper, they'll likely do the same. But, if they see you cope with your feelings in a kinder, gentler way, they'll pick up on that, too.

Although it's important to shield your children from most adult problems, it's healthy to show them how you handle angry feelings. Point out times when you feel frustrated so your child understands that adults get mad sometimes too.

It's OK to say, "I'm angry that the car in front of us didn't stop to let those kids cross the street. But I'm going to stop so they can cross safely." Verbalizing your feelings will teach children to talk about their emotions.

Also, take responsibility for your behavior when you lose your cool in front of your kids. Apologize and discuss what you should have done instead. Say, "I am sorry that you had to see me yelling today when I was mad. I should have gone for a walk to cool off when I was angry instead of raising my voice."

Establish Anger Rules

Most families have unofficial family rules about what behavior is acceptable and what isn't when it comes to anger. Some families don't mind doors being slammed and voices being raised while other families have less tolerance for such behaviors. Create written household rules that outline your expectations.

Anger rules should center around behaving respectfully toward others.

Address areas such as physical aggression, name-calling, and destruction of property so that your children understand they can't throw things, break things, or lash out verbally or physically when they're mad.

Teach Healthy Coping Skills

Kids need to know appropriate ways to deal with their anger. Instead of being told, "Don't hit your brother," explain what they can do when they feel frustrated. Say, "Next time, use your words" or "Walk away from him when you feel angry."

You also can ask, "What could you do instead of hitting?" to help your child identify strategies that might be helpful. You also could create a calm down kit that can be used when they're upset.

Fill a box with items that can help them calm down, such as a coloring book and crayons, lotion that smells good, or soothing music. Engaging their senses can help calm their mind and body.

Use time-out as a tool to help your child calm down. Teach them that they can take a time-out before they get into trouble. Removing themselves from a situation and taking a few minutes to calm down can be really helpful for kids prone to anger.

Also, teach problem-solving skills so children learn to recognize that they can solve problems without resorting to aggression. Talk about ways to resolve conflict peacefully.

Offer Consequences When Necessary

Give your children positive consequences when they follow the anger rules and negative consequences when they break the rules. Positive consequences, such as a reward system or token economy system, can motivate a child to use anger management skills when they're upset.

Follow through with immediate consequences if your child becomes aggressive. Effective consequences may include time-outs, loss of privileges, or paying restitution by doing extra chores or loaning a toy to the target of their aggression.

A Word From Verywell

It's normal for kids to struggle to manage their anger at times. But, with your guidance, your child's skills should improve. When kids struggle to get their anger under control, or their anger problems seem to be getting worse, it's important to seek professional help. A trained professional can rule out any underlying mental health problems and can offer assistance in creating a behavior management plan.

Additional Reading

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How to Teach Kids Anger Management Skills

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Teaching a child anger management strategies helps reduce behavior problems like aggression and defiance. Learn how to teach kids these skills.

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Inside: Discover 7 quick and easy anger management activities for kids from a child therapist you can do with no preparation that help build healthy coping skills.

Unmanaged anger holds the potential to derail a day, a week or a life.

Giving our child a kick start to an emotionally healthy and grounded future means helping them to better understand and manage their emotions.

As a clinical child therapist, I hope to make this overwhelming process easier for you by sharing my most used (and most effective) anger management activities for kids!

But...first things first

Only when we make space for our child's anger can we become confident and calm in the face of little people with big emotions and send the message they need to hear:
When it comes to anger it is possible to get out of the passenger seat and into the driver's seat.
When we set a tone of working with anger instead of resisting it, we can guide our child in managing it in healthy ways.

Once we have this foundation down we can move on to helping kids explore anger in more concrete ways. These are 7 of the anger management activities I use the most with kids.

>> Handle your child's meltdowns + intense emotions in a supportive and healthy way TODAY with My Calm Kids Guide to Emotional Regulation

7 Best Anger Management Activities for Kids

Where anger lives in your body

A crucial step in understanding anger is discovering how physical of an emotion it is. We can likely all acknowledge as adults the different ways anger shows up viscerally for us.

When exploring this with kids I discuss the bodies 'anger signals'. When your child becomes more in tune with their bodies anger signs and signals it's a powerful cue that it's time to change course.

Exploring this with your child is as simple as having them draw a picture of their body, then coloring where anger shows up/comes out/lives etc, and what they think that might look like.

Kids commonly draw heavily on the hands and mouth area of the picture stating "anger explodes out of my hands and sometimes throws toys" or "anger shouts out of my mouth with a really loud voice!".

It's amazing to see how they conceptualize their anger in physical form. In the photo below my daughter remarked: "It's in my head because that's where my worries are" (pretty insightful as anger is often anxiety's first outlet when it comes to kids).

Related >> 4 Things to Try When Your Angry Child Refuses Coping Strategies

Personify their anger

Our anger is a part of us but it doesn't have to control us. Anger is a powerful emotion and often feels overwhelming and unsettling for kids.

A fantastic therapist tool I use often with kids is externalizing a problem or challenge a child is having. If your child is struggling to manage their anger in safe ways coming up with a name and visual depiction for their anger empowers them to separate who they are as a person from their anger problems.

This quote from one of the founders of narrative therapy Micheal White describes the power of externalization.

The person is not the problem, the problem is the problem. When a child thinks that she's a problem kid because she always acts out in school or causes conflict at home, it's harder to help her make changes. In that narrative, the problem is her.

Make a simple statement to your child along the lines of "It seems like anger has been causing you lots of stress lately. How about we give your anger a name and draw a picture of what you think it might look like".

When your child is able to see the problem literally existing 'outside of themselves' they can objectively problem solve, gaining greater insight into the problem or situation.

Make a safe landing space for anger

Discuss creating a safe 'landing space' or 'chill-out corner' with your child when they are calm and regulated (not in the heat of the angry moment).

Wherever is practical and comfy for your child in your home is a great place to start. We chose a corner of our living room to add lots of pillows to, as well as blankets and a basket of calm down tools.

We used a giant floor pillow mat, pillows with different textures (this is great for giving calming sensory input to your child!), our Snuggle Buddy from Generation mindful, and emotions flashcards for kids .

We also love Squeezeimals (those round little animals)! They are super sturdy and you can squeeze or push on them super hard!

Anger Iceberg

Anger is a complicated emotion and the more your child can understand how it operates the better they'll be at getting ahead of it. Anger often serves as a protector or mask for other deep vulnerable emotions.

It's easier to feel angry than ashamed, embarrassed or hurt. Our subconscious wants to protect us so it sends in its defense team. The anger iceberg metaphor is a fantastic visual that depicts this for kids and builds self-awareness.

Any given day they have events, emotions, and stressors that lie under the surface of what we can see as parents or teachers.

They can be prompted to reflect on different emotions and circumstances during their day (or week) then writing these down under the surface of their anger Iceberg.

When your child becomes clear on her true emotions and stressors you can help her work through those emotions and problem solve around challenging situations.

Make a 'trigger tracker'

Helping your child explore what situations easily set them off allows them to develop greater self-awareness and eventually be more prepared in the face of frustrating circumstances through problem-solving and preparation.

Grab a piece of paper and create several checkboxes along the left-hand side of the page. If your child is younger they'll need you to fill in possible anger triggers/buttons/fuse's. An older child can be prompted to help create a list.

Here's a list of common anger triggers but the possibilities are endless:

Being told 'no'

Getting teased

Being interrupted

Not being listened to

Someone chewing with their mouth open

When something is unfair

Losing a game

Getting stuck with homework

Getting ready for school in the morning

Hunger

Someone taking something that belongs to me

Turning off video games

When someone hurts me

Have your child check the boxes that apply to them and follow by discussing both your observations and theirs. It's a great opportunity to discuss your own triggers and how they'll be different for everyone.

Big 3 Breathing Plan

One simple way to illustrate the crazy power of our breath is likening it to a remote control for our body and brain. When your child is angry or agitated her sympathetic nervous system engages, prompting rapid and shallow breathing.

Deep breathing stimulates your child's vagus nerve activating the parasympathetic nervous system which helps to calm and put the breaks on a child's anger and anxiety. Taking good qualities breaths is one of the best calm down strategies for kids.

I've found having three 'go-to' breathing techniques in the arsenal for kids to choose from gives them some control without overwhelming them (and you!).

Blowing out birthday candles. Put all 10 fingers up and have them blow out the candles as slow as they can.

Trace your hand breathing. Hold up one hand taking long deep inhales when tracing upward and slowly exhaling when moving down the finger.

Elsa breathing. Take the biggest and longest breath possible through the nose and slowly blow of the mouth creating an amazing ice sculpture!

Rainbow breathing. Start at the bottom of the red arch and inhale on the way up the rainbow, exhaling on the way down, adding as many colors as they'd like.

Dandelion breathing. Inhale to smell the dandelion scent and exhale through the mouth slowing blowing the seeds and making a wish.

Figure 8 breathing. Simply trace a figure eight in the air or on a surface breathing in on one side and out on the other, pausing in the middle.

Related read >> The Ultimate Guide to Positive Parenting and Positive Discipline

Anger scale

This activity ties together several major components of anger management for kids and really gets at the concept that anger occurs in different degrees and severities.

To make an anger scale with your child you can use a simple box graph shape (shown below) or a simple drawing of an 'anger thermometer'. Both charts allow the child to acknowledge triggers for their anger as well as how anger may change their facial expressions and features.

If you're using the thermometer concept, simply put the number 10 at the top and a 1 at the bottom, prompting your child to think of places and things that bring out anger/frustration and mark where they'd fall on the scale. It may surprise you where certain things go!

Anger management activities for kids

Nurturing your child's emotional regulation skills is something you'll never regret doing. How well your child can navigate their emotions plays a huge role in their future happiness, success and well-being.

These anger management activities for kids are great practical tools that can be done in little time and with few materials.

Which kids anger management tools would you recommend?

Looking for easy-to-use tools for teaching your child to handle their emotions in positive ways?

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7 Simple but Powerful Anger Management Activities for Kids

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Inside: Discover 7 quick and easy anger management activities for kids from a child therapist you can do with no preparation that help build healthy coping skills. Unmanaged anger holds the potential to derail a day, a week or a life.

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Anger can be a common emotion among people experiencing depression. You may feel angry at the world, angry about events from your past, or even angry at yourself. This anger can be intense and difficult to control, to the point that it worsens your depression and affects your personal and professional relationships.

What Is Depression?

Depression is more than just passing sadness. It is a diagnosable mental health disorder that involves feelings of low mood combined with other symptoms such as trouble concentrating or trouble sleeping. A diagnosis of major depressive disorder is made by a mental health professional according to the criteria laid out in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

What Is Anger?

Anger is not a diagnosable mental health condition. Rather, it is an unpleasant emotion that may be experienced by those with various mental health disorders as well as the non-clinical population. While it is natural to feel angry from time to time, feeling uncontrollable or maladaptive anger, particularly when you also have depression, can be a sign of a deeper underlying problem.

Anger and Depression

Anger is a common emotion that can be destructive when it isn't responded to in an adaptive manner. In the case of depression, anger can take several different forms. Below are some examples of the types of anger you might experience while depressed.

Irritability

Irritability is a feature of depression itself, so it's not surprising that this form of anger is connected to depression. If you have depression, it may show up as snapping at others over trivial things or being unable to handle small disappointments without reacting in a negative way.

Hostility

Going a step beyond irritability, a person with depression who expresses their anger outward may become hostile toward others. This means responding not only with an irritable mood, but also being outwardly angry and attacking those around you.

Anger Attacks

Rapid and intense onset of anger (also sometimes called an " anger attack") can also be a feature of depression. These rapid onset attacks may come in response to trivial matters (e.g., seem to appear out of the blue).

Causes of Anger in Depression

What are the causes of anger related to depression? There is some evidence to suggest that serotonergic dysfunction may be partly to blame. In other words, the balance of neurochemicals in your brain may be off-kilter, leading to irritability, depression, and anger. For this reason, medications used to treat depression may also help to relieve your symptoms of anger.

Anger Turned Inward

Anger turned inward may be common in those who are depressed. This act of turning anger inward may also worsen the severity of depression, according to a 2013 study conducted in the UK﻿﻿﻿﻿ .

When you listen to your inner critic, you may feel even more depressed and find it hard to do things that will help to alleviate your depression (e.g., doing things that you once enjoyed; spending time with other people or going out and being social).

Instead, staying angry at yourself only prolongs your feelings of depression, makes you feel more sorry for yourself, and focuses your thoughts on the negative. This leads you to feel more powerless and negative over time.

In this way, anger turned inward at yourself serves to prolong depression and worsen the severity of your symptoms.

Anger Turned Outward

Not only do those who are depressed turn their anger inward, but they may also turn it outward and lash out at those around them.

When you are depressed, you are more likely to feel irritable, which can lead to snapping at other people over trivial events. Your depression may amplify your negative emotions in the moment, making it hard to control them, even though you likely feel badly about it after the fact.

You may find that this is a vicious cycle that you have trouble escaping from. Eventually, it may lead to problems in your personal and professional life. For example, if you are unable to deal with stress in the workplace, you might lash out in anger at coworkers, managers, or even customers.

And, if you struggle to control your anger around friends and family, you may find that this leads to strained relationships and the loss of people in your life.

Treatment for Angry Depression

Treatment for depression that is combined with anger is similar to treatments that exist for depression alone. In short, medication and therapy are both empirically validated treatments for depression that may also, at the same time, help to alleviate feelings of anger, hostility, and irritability.

Therapy

One specific type of therapy that may be helpful for angry depression is Emotionally Focused Therapy developed by psychologist Les Greenberg﻿﻿﻿. In this type of therapy, anger is viewed as being of two types: adaptive vs. non-adaptive.

Adaptive anger helps to motivate you toward taking assertive action. Imagine a situation in which you have gained weight due to unhealthy eating habits and lack of exercise. Adaptive anger would involve being angry at yourself for letting the situation get out of hand, but also feeling inspired and motivated to make a plan to eat healthy food and join a gym. In this way, adaptive anger is controlled and directed.

You might feel as though you are a victim of poor circumstances (e.g., not being able to afford healthy food, not having time to go to the gym). You might become withdrawn and sulk instead of reaching out for help from others.

You likely also engage in self-criticism rather than self-compassion. You might be critical of yourself for having gained weight. You might view yourself as helpless to change the situation. In essence, maladaptive anger involves giving away your power so that you feel helpless.

This type of unhelpful anger is thought to be rooted in a critical inner voice that sometimes arises due to traumatic experiences.

While adaptive anger helps you to move toward taking action and relief from your problem, maladaptive anger causes you to remain in a state of suffering and pain. Maladaptive anger is also more likely to lead to or worsen anxiety and depression.

Moving From Maladaptive Anger to Adaptive Emotions

Emotionally focused therapy involves transforming your maladaptive emotions by addressing their root cause. One way to do this is by verbalizing your critical inner voice. For example, in the case of gaining weight, the critical inner voice might sound something like this.

"Look at how much weight you've gained. You have no self-control and you'll never be able to lose it now. You might as well accept that it's hopeless and you'll be overweight forever. Nothing you try ever works and you just don't have any willpower."

Thus, the idea is to put the critical inner voice into words as though they are being spoken by someone outside of your head. This involves expressing feelings behind thoughts and making sure to use "you" statements so it sounds as though the critical inner voice is coming from someone else. This allows you to separate yourself from those thoughts and see them as coming from outside of yourself.

Once you are able to step outside of your thoughts and view them as an external critical voice, the next step is to develop insights into where that critical voice might have developed. This is the process of transforming the maladaptive emotion.

For example, in the case of the critical inner voice that talks about your weight gain, you might respond to that voice in the following ways.

"I know that I've gained weight, but it's not the end of the world. I do have self-control, but I've been through a really hard time in the past year. It's not impossible for me to lose weight, I just need to put some healthy habits into place.

I don't need to accept this situation and it's certainly not hopeless. I've tried some things that haven't worked, but that doesn't mean I am out of ideas. Willpower is less important than me being clear on my goals. I know that I can do it if I try."

Emotionally focused therapy has been shown to help relieve depression, improve self-esteem, and reduce distress in interpersonal relationships. For this reason, this type of therapy may also help you to relieve anger related to depression, particularly since anger is a maladaptive emotion.

Medication

Medication is a treatment option for depression that could be helpful in also reducing feelings of anger or irritability. While medication is not a direct treatment for anger, alleviating symptoms of depression may have an indirect effect on feelings of anger.

Anger Management Techniques

Anger management techniques may also be helpful on their own for the management of anger that is related to depression. You could attend anger management classes, read an anger management self-help book, find an anger management support group,

Coping with Angry Depression

How can you cope with angry depression on your own? There are a number of things you can do to manage anger related to depression. Below are some ideas to get you started.

Develop Self Compassion

One way to manage anger related to depression is to develop a sense of compassion for yourself. It's better to be kind to yourself than to direct your anger inwards. Since this can be hard to do, it might be helpful to think about yourself in terms of how you would treat a friend.

What would you say to a friend struggling with the same issue? When you have a kinder view toward yourself, you will be less likely to direct your anger inward. For this reason, self-compassion may be particularly helpful if you mostly engage in inwardly directed anger.

Manage Triggers

Are you aware of people, places, or situations that trigger your anger related to depression? If so, it may be helpful to expand on that awareness and prepare yourself for those stressful situations. While eventually, you will want to learn to manage your anger, learning to identify and manage triggers can be an effective way to cope in the meantime.

Stand Up to Your Inner Critic

As discussed in the section on emotionally focused therapy, being able to stand up to your inner critic will help to alleviate your depression and possibly also reduce your anger. This requires you to acknowledge your anger and emotions, rather than avoiding your feelings.

This is best done with the help of a therapist; however, you can also engage in this process by writing about your feelings in a journal, identifying your critical inner voice, writing responses to your critical inner voice

Accept Your Anger

It may also help you to cope if you are able to accept that anger is part of your depression, but that you have tools to help you feel better. Fighting against your anger, just like fighting against anxiety, will tend to only make it worse.

Express Your Anger

Along the same lines as accepting your anger, is learning to express your anger in healthy ways. This goes back to the idea of adaptive and maladaptive emotions. Anger that is expressed in a healthy way may help you to move out of a place of being stuck toward taking action. This in turn may help you to feel less depressed, which will create an upward cycle of positive emotions.

Expressing your anger in healthy ways means acknowledging your anger and releasing it, without letting it become explosive. This would be the opposite of the anger attacks that were discussed previously. When you are able to express your anger outwards, you will find that your depression may lessen.

Alleviate Anger Before it Worsens

Do you find that your anger gets out of control because you keep it bottled inside? If so, you may benefit from learning healthy ways to express your anger before it gets out of control. This might includes ideas such as learning to be more assertive or learning to express your emotions. Both of these activities will help to reduce the chance that your anger builds to the point that you must explode.

Practice Breathing Exercises

Just as with anxiety, anger will fuel itself if you let it. For this reason, it may be helpful to learn breathing exercises to help you calm yourself down in the moment when you become angry. One such exercise that you may wish to try is called 4-7-8 breathing developed by Dr. Andrew Weil. This breathing technique is based on the yoga technique known as pranayama, which helps yogis to control their breathing.

Breathing helps to bring your body into a state of relaxation and to increase the oxygen flow in your body. This helps to get control of the fight or flight reaction that you might experience when your anger is triggered.

To practice 4-7-8 breathing, find a comfortable place to sit or lie down. Put the tip of your tongue against the roof of your mouth and keep it in place throughout the breathing exercise. Then, go through the following steps, which counts as one cycle of breath.

Open your mouth and make a whoosh sound while exhaling completely out through your lips.

Then, close your mouth and do a silent inhale through your nose to the count of four.

Next, hold your breath for seven seconds.

Finally, exhale through your mouth for the count of eight seconds while making a whooshing sound.

Then, repeat this cycle for each set of breaths. Where does the number "4" come in? The ideal number of times to repeat this process is at least four times. Although you can gradually work your way up to doing eight breaths. Remember to hold your breath for the full seven seconds, as that is most critical to creating relaxation in your body.

Mindfulness Meditation or Yoga

If you enjoy deep breathing, you might also enjoy practicing mindfulness meditation or yoga to help you manage your anger related to depression. Given that depression means you are probably lacking motivation, this might not be the right fit until your depression is being treated (either through medication or therapy).

However, if you're feeling motivated enough to try, the act of doing yoga itself may help to reduce your stress and improve your mood. Overall, we know that exercise releases endorphin which leads to reductions in depression.

If you are interested in trying out mindfulness meditation, then you will want to find a meditation that focuses on anger, depression, or the combination of both feelings and emotions. Good meditations will lead you into a deep state of relaxation, help you to release your emotions, and then bring you back to present awareness.

Develop a Support System

If you are struggling with depression and anger, you will also want to develop a strong support system. While this might be problematic if you are living with depression, having at least one person you can rely on for support will be helpful.

If there is nobody in your personal life that you feel provides you support adequate for your needs, you might benefit from joining a support group specifically for depression and/or anger. In one of these groups, you will find others struggling through the same challenges as you.

And, unlike a friend or family member, you aren't likely to be given advice or told that what you are feeling isn't that bad. Instead, you're likely to find yourself spending time with people who completely understand your situation.

In addition, if you join a group with a facilitator, you may find that you are offered helpful strategies to better manage your depression and anger. Having a support group who understands what you are going through will be important, especially if you find yourself relapsing after treatment.

A Word From Verywell

If you are struggling with anger and depression that is impairing your daily functioning, it is important to see a mental health professional for advice. If you have not already seen a professional about your situation, you may be offered a diagnosis as well as treatment options that might include therapy and/or medication. The first step to receiving help is talking to your family doctor.

In addition, it's important to know that you are not alone in your feelings. Many people struggle with anger and irritability related to their depression. This is not a personal failing on your part, and it's not something that is necessarily within your control. However, there are coping strategies that you can use to escape a bad mood, manage your anger, and feel better.

There's no need to feel ashamed about reaching out for help, asking friends or family for support, or joining a support group. In fact, asking for help or making yourself a priority might be what it takes for you to improve your relationships and feel better about your daily life. Treat yourself with the same kindness and respect that you would treat a friend if they came to you for advice. You deserve your own self-compassion.

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How Your Depression and Anger Might Be Related

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Anger can be a common emotion among people experiencing depression. You may feel angry at the world, angry about events from your past, or even angry at yourself. This anger can be intense and difficult to control, to the point that it worsens your depression and affects your personal and professional relationships.

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Did you know that anger isn't all bad? Find out more in this article for kids.

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When Tempers Flare

Do you lose your temper and wonder why? Are there days when you feel like you just wake up angry?

Some of it may be the changes your body's going through: All those hormones you hear so much about can cause mood swings and confused emotions. Some of it may be stress: People who are under a lot of pressure tend to get angry more easily. Part of it may be your personality: You may be someone who feels your emotions intensely or tends to act impulsively or lose control. And part of it may be your role models: Maybe you've seen other people in your family blow a fuse when they're mad.

No matter what pushes your buttons, one thing is certain - you're sure to get angry sometimes. Everyone does. Anger is a normal emotion, and there's nothing wrong with feeling mad. What counts is how we handle it (and ourselves) when we're angry.

Tools to Tame a Temper: Self-Awareness & Self-Control

Because anger can be powerful, managing it is sometimes challenging. It takes plenty of self-awareness and self-control to manage angry feelings. And these skills take time to develop.

Self-awareness is the ability to notice what you're feeling and thinking, and why. Little kids aren't very aware of what they feel, they just act it out in their behavior. That's why you see them having tantrums when they're mad. But teens have the mental ability to be self-aware. When you get angry, take a moment to notice what you're feeling and thinking.

Self-control is all about thinking before you act. It puts some precious seconds or minutes between feeling a strong emotion and taking an action you'll regret.

Together, self-awareness and self-control allow you to have more choice about how to act when you're feeling an intense emotion like anger.

Getting Ready to Make a Change

Deciding to get control of your anger - rather than letting it control you - means taking a good hard look at the ways you've been reacting when you get mad. Do you tend to yell and scream or say hurtful, mean, disrespectful things? Do you throw things, kick or punch walls, break stuff? Hit someone, hurt yourself, or push and shove others around?

For most people who have trouble harnessing a hot temper, reacting like this is not what they want. They feel ashamed by their behavior and don't think it reflects the real them, their best selves.

Everyone can change - but only when they want to. If you want to make a big change in how you're handling your anger, think about what you'll gain from that change. More self-respect? More respect from other people? Less time feeling annoyed and frustrated? A more relaxed approach to life? Remembering why you want to make the change can help.

It can also help to remind yourself that making a change takes time, practice, and patience. It won't happen all at once. Managing anger is about developing new skills and new responses. As with any skill, like playing basketball or learning the piano, it helps to practice over and over again.

The Five-Step Approach to Managing Anger

If something happens that makes you feel angry, this approach can help you manage your reaction. It's called a problem-solving approach because you start with the problem you're mad about. Then you weigh your choices and decide what you'll do.

Each step involves asking yourself a couple of questions, then answering them based on your particular situation.

Let's take this example: There's a party you're planning to go to, but your mom just told you to clean your room or stay home. The red-hot anger starts building.

Here's what to do:

1) Identify the problem (self-awareness). Start by noticing what you're angry about and why. Put into words what's making you upset so you can act rather than react.

Ask yourself: What's got me angry? What am I feeling and why? You can do this either in your mind or out loud, but it needs to be clear and specific. For example: "I'm really angry at Mom because she won't let me go to the party until I clean my room. It's not fair!" Your feeling is anger, and you're feeling angry because you might not get to go to the party.

Notice that this is not the same as saying, "Mom's so unfair to me." That statement doesn't identify the specific problem (that you can't go to the party until you clean your room) and it doesn't say how you're feeling (angry).

2) Think of potential solutions before responding (self-control). This is where you stop for a minute to give yourself time to manage your anger. It's also where you start thinking of how you might react - but without reacting yet.

Ask yourself: What can I do? Think of at least three things. For example, in this situation you might think:

(a) I could yell at Mom and throw a fit.
(b) I could clean my room and then ask if I could go to the party.
(c) I could sneak out to the party anyway.

3) Consider the consequences of each solution (think it through). This is where you think about what is likely to result from each of the different reactions you came up with.

Ask yourself: What will happen for each one of these options? For example:

(a) Yelling at your mom may get you in worse trouble or even grounded.
(b) Cleaning your room takes work and you may get to the party late (but maybe that adds to your mystique). With this option, you get to go to the party and your room's clean so you don't have to worry about it for a while.
(c) Sneaking out may seem like a real option in the heat of anger. But when you really think it through, it's pretty unlikely you'd get away with being gone for hours with no one noticing. And when you do get caught - look out!

4) Make a decision (pick one of your options). This is where you take action by choosing one of the three things you could do. Look at the list and pick the one that is likely to be most effective.

Ask yourself: What's my best choice? By the time you've thought it through, you're probably past yelling at your mom, which is a knee-jerk response. You may have also decided that sneaking out is too risky. Neither of these options is likely to get you to the party. So option (b) probably seems like the best choice.

Once you choose your solution, then it's time to act.

5) Check your progress. After you've acted and the situation is over, spend some time thinking about how it went.

Ask yourself: How did I do? Did things work out as I expected? If not, why not? Am I satisfied with the choice I made? Taking some time to reflect on how things worked out after it's all over is a very important step. It helps you learn about yourself and it allows you to test which problem-solving approaches work best in different situations.

Give yourself a pat on the back if the solution you chose worked out well. If it didn't, go back through the five steps and see if you can figure out why.

These five steps are pretty simple when you're calm, but are much tougher to work through when you're angry or sad (kind of like in basketball practice when making baskets is much easier than in a real game when the pressure is on!). So it helps to practice over and over again.

Other Ways to Manage Anger

The five-step approach is good when you're in a particular situation that's got you mad and you need to decide what action to take. But other things can help you manage anger too.

Try these things even if you're not mad right now to help prevent angry feelings from building up inside.

Exercise. Go for a walk/run, work out, or go play a sport. Lots of research has shown that exercise is a great way to improve your mood and decrease negative feelings.

Listen to music (with your headphones on). Music has also been shown to change a person's mood pretty quickly. And if you dance, then you're exercising and it's a two-for-one.

Write down your thoughts and emotions. You can write things in lots of ways; for example, in a journal or as your own poetry or song lyrics. After you've written it down, you can keep it or throw it away - it doesn't matter. The important thing is, writing down your thoughts and feelings can improve how you feel. When you notice, label, and release feelings as they show up in smaller portions, they don't have a chance to build up inside.

Draw. Scribbling, doodling, or sketching your thoughts or feelings might help too.

Meditate or practice deep breathing. This one works best if you do it regularly, as it's more of an overall stress management technique that can help you use self-control when you're mad. If you do this regularly, you'll find that anger is less likely to build up.

Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Lots of times there are other emotions, such as fear or sadness, beneath anger. Talking about them can help.

Distract yourself. If you find yourself stewing about something and just can't seem to let go, it can help to do something that will get your mind past what's bugging you - watch TV, read, or go to the movies.

These ideas can be helpful for two reasons:

1. They help you cool down when you feel like your anger might explode. When you need to cool down, do one or more of the activities in the list above. Think of these as alternatives to taking an action you'll regret, such as yelling at someone. Some of them, like writing down feelings, can help you release tension and begin the thinking process at the same time.

2. They help you manage anger in general. What if there's no immediate problem to solve - you simply need to shift into a better mood? Sometimes when you're angry, you just need to stop dwelling on how mad you are.

When to Ask for Extra Help

Sometimes anger is a sign that more is going on. People who have frequent trouble with anger, who get in fights or arguments, who get punished, who have life situations that give them reason to often be angry may need special help to get a problem with anger under control.

Tell your parents, a teacher, a counselor, or another adult you trust if any of these things have been happening:

You have a lasting feeling of anger over things that have either happened to you in the past or are going on now.

You feel irritable, grumpy, or in a bad mood more often than not.

You feel consistent anger or rage at yourself.

You feel anger that lasts for days or makes you want to hurt yourself or someone else.

You're often getting into fights or arguments.

These could be signs of depression or something else - and you shouldn't have to handle that alone.

Anger is a strong emotion. It can feel overwhelming at times. Learning how to deal with strong emotions - without losing control - is part of becoming more mature. It takes a little effort, a little practice, and a little patience, but you can get there if you want to.

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Do you lose your temper and wonder why? Are there days when you feel like you just wake up angry? Some of it may be the changes your body's going through: All those hormones you hear so much about can cause mood swings and confused emotions.

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Parents expect temper tantrums from 2- and 3-year-olds. But angry outbursts don't always stop after the toddler years. Older kids sometimes have trouble handling anger and frustration too.

Some kids only lose their cool once in a while, but others seem to have a harder time when things don't go their way. Kids who tend to have strong reactions by nature will need more help from parents to manage their tempers.

Controlling outbursts can be hard for kids - and helping them learn to do so is a tough job for the parents who love them. Try to be patient and positive, and know that these skills take time to develop and that just about every child can improve with the right coaching.

A Parent's Role

Managing kids can be a challenge. Some days keeping the peace while keeping your cool seems impossible. But whether you're reacting to an occasional temper flare-up or a pattern of outbursts, managing your own anger when things get heated will make it easier to teach kids to do the same.

To help tame a temper, try to be your child's ally - you're both rooting for your child to triumph over the temper that keeps leading to trouble.

While your own patience may be frayed by angry outbursts, opposition, defiance, arguing, and talking back, it's during these episodes that you need your patience most. Of course you feel angry, but what counts is how you handle that.

Reacting to kids' meltdowns with yelling and outbursts of your own will only teach them to do the same (and actually is associated with an increase in children's negative behaviors). But keeping your cool and calmly working through a frustrating situation lets you show - and teach - appropriate ways to handle anger and frustration.

Let's say you hear your kids fighting over a toy in the other room. You have ignored it, hoping that they would work it out themselves. But the arguing turns into screaming and soon you hear doors slamming, the thump of hitting, and crying. You decide to get involved before someone gets really hurt.

By the time you arrive at the scene of the fight, you may be at the end of your own rope. After all, the sound of screaming is upsetting, and you may be frustrated that your kids aren't sharing or trying to get along. (And you know that this toy they're fighting over is going to be lost, broken, or ignored before long anyway!)

So what's the best way for you to react? With your own self-control intact. Teaching by example is your most powerful tool. Speak calmly, clearly, and firmly - not with anger, blame, harsh criticisms, threats, or putdowns.

Of course, that's easier said than done. But remember that you're trying to teach your kids how to handle anger. If you yell or threaten, you'll model and ingrain the exact kinds of behavior you want to discourage. Your kids will see that you're so angry and unable to control your own temper that you can't help but scream - and that won't help them learn not to scream.

What You Can Do

Regulating emotions and managing behavior are skills that develop slowly over time during childhood. Just like any other skills, your kids will need to learn and practice them, with your help.

If it's unusual for your child to have a tantrum, when one does happen, clearly but calmly review the rules. Saying something like "I know you're upset, but no yelling and no name-calling, please" might be all your child needs to hear to regain composure. Then patiently give an instruction, like "tell me what you're upset about" or "please apologize to your brother for calling him that name." In this way, you're guiding your child back to acceptable behavior and encouraging self-control.

Also, tell your child what will happen if he or she doesn't calm down - for example, "If you don't calm down, you need to go to your room until you're able to stop screaming."

Kids whose temper outbursts are routine might lack the self-control necessary to deal with frustration and anger and need more help managing those emotions. These steps can help:

Help kids put it into words. If your child is in the middle of an outburst, find out what's wrong. If necessary, use a time-out to get your child to settle down or remind him or her about house rules and expectations - "There's no yelling or throwing stuff; please stop that right now and cool it." Remind your child to talk to you without whining, sulking, or yelling. Do not engage with them if they continue to yell or whine, as we want to teach them that they can gain your attention through calm behavior. Once your child calms down, ask what got him or her so upset. You might say, "Use your words to tell me what's wrong and what you're mad about." This helps your child put emotions into words and figure out what, if anything, needs to be done to solve the problem. However, don't push too hard for your child to talk right then. He or she may need some time to reflect before being ready to talk.

Listen and respond. When your child puts the feelings into words, it's up to you to listen and say that you understand. If your child is struggling for words, offer some help: "so that made you angry," "you must have felt frustrated," or "that must have hurt your feelings." Offer to help find an answer if there's a problem to be solved, a conflict to be mended, or an apology to be made. Many times, feeling listened to and understood is all kids need to calm down. But while acknowledging your child's feelings, make it clear that strong emotions aren't an excuse for bad behavior. Make it clear that it's OK to feel mad, but it's not OK to react to that anger by yelling or hitting. "I know you're mad, but it's still not OK to hit." Then tell your child some things to try instead. Some kids really just need to be "heard" first.

Create clear ground rules and stick to them. Talk about house rules regularly so your kids know what you expect of them. Be clear about what is and what is not acceptable without using threats, accusations, or putdowns. Your kids will get the message if you make clear, simple statements about what's off limits and explain what you do want them to do. You might say: "There's no yelling in this house. Use your words to tell me what's upsetting you."

Here are some other good-behavior rules to try:

In this family, we don't hit, push, or shove.

There's no screaming allowed.

There's no door-slamming in our house.

There's no name calling.

We don't say mean things in this family.

You may not throw things or break things on purpose.

Coping Strategies for Kids

Kids who've learned that it's not OK to yell, hit, and throw stuff when they're upset need other strategies for calming down when they're angry. Offer some ideas to help them learn safe ways to get the anger out or to find other activities that can create a better mood.

Take a break from the situation. Tell your kids that it's OK to walk away from a conflict to avoid an angry outburst. By moving to another part of the house or the backyard, a child can get some space and work on calming down.

Find a way to (safely) get the anger out. There may be no punching walls, but you can suggest some good ways for a child to vent. Doing a bunch of jumping jacks, dancing around the bedroom, or going outside and doing cartwheels are all good choices. Or your child can choose to write about or draw a picture of what is so upsetting.

Learn to shift. This one is tough for kids - and adults, too. Explain that part of calming down is moving from a really angry mood to a more in-control mood. Instead of thinking of the person or situation that caused the anger, encourage kids to think of something else to do that might bring about a better mood - like a walk around the block, a bike ride, playing a game, reading a favorite book, digging in the garden, or listening to a favorite song. Try one of these things together so you both see how doing something different can change the way a person feels.

Building a Strong Foundation

Fortunately, really angry episodes don't happen too often for most kids. Those with temper troubles often have an active, strong-willed style and extra energy that needs to be discharged.

Try these steps during the calm times - they can prevent problems before they start by helping kids learn and practice skills needed to manage the heat of the moment:

Make sure kids get enough sleep. Sleep is very important to their well-being. The link between a lack of sleep and a child's behavior isn't always obvious. When adults are tired, they can be grumpy or have low energy, but kids can become hyper or disagreeable or have extremes in behavior.

Most kids' sleep requirements fall within a predictable range of hours based on their age, but each child is a unique individual with distinct sleep needs.

Help them label emotions. Help kids get in the habit of saying what they're feeling and why - for example, "I'm mad because I have to clean my room while my friends are playing." Using words doesn't get a child out of doing a chore, but having the discussion can calm the situation. You're having a conversation instead of an argument. Praise your child for talking about it instead of slamming the door, for instance.

See that kids get a lot of physical activity. Active play can really help kids who have big tempers. Encourage outside play and sports your child likes. Karate, wrestling, and running can be especially good for kids who are trying to get their tempers under control. But any activity that gets the heart pumping can help burn off energy and stress.

Encourage kids to take control. Compare a temper to a puppy that hasn't yet learned to behave and that's running around all over the place getting into things. Puppies might not mean to be bad - but they need to be trained so that they can learn that there's no eating shoes, no jumping on people or certain furniture, etc. The point is that your child's temper - like a puppy - needs to be trained to learn when it's OK to play, how to use all that extra energy, and how to follow rules.

Recognize successes. Many times these go unnoticed so be sure to comment on how well your child handled a difficult situation when you see positive behaviors. Point out specifically what you liked about the way they handled it, so they'll be more likely to use these strategies in future situations.

Try to be flexible. Parenting can be a tiring experience, but try not to be too rigid. Hearing a constant chorus of "no" can be disheartening for kids. Sometimes, of course, "no" is absolutely the only answer - "no, you can't ride your bike without your helmet!" But other times, you might let the kids win one. For instance, if your kids want to keep the wiffle ball game going a little longer and they ask appropriately, maybe give it 15 more minutes.

Try to identify "at-risk" situations and be proactive. For example, if your child has difficulty with transitions, give warnings ahead of time. Similarly, if your kids have trouble turning off the television when asked, be clear how long they can watch TV or play video games and then set a 5-minute warning timer. Be sure to enforce the agreement.

As anyone who's been really angry knows, following sensible advice can be tough when emotions run high. Give your kids responsibility for getting under control, but be there to remind them how to do it.

Most kids can learn to get better at handling anger and frustration. But if your child often gets into fights and arguments with friends, siblings, and adults, additional help might be needed. Talk with the other adults in your child's life - teachers, school counselors, and coaches might be able to help, and your child's doctor can recommend a counselor or psychologist.

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Parents expect temper tantrums from 2- and 3-year-olds. But angry outbursts don't always stop after the toddler years. Older kids sometimes have trouble handling anger and frustration too. Some kids only lose their cool once in a while, but others seem to have a harder time when things don't go their way.

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Why we get mad -- and why it's healthy | Ryan Martin

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Anger Is Your Ally: A Mindful Approach to Anger | Juna Mustad | TEDxWabashCollege

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How to use anger as a force for good | Marcia Reynolds | TEDxAtlanta

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Good Anger vs. Bad Anger | Anger Management

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Anger can often get a bad rep; it's commonly thought of as a 'bad' or useless emotion. But it isn't. Like all emotions, it gives us important insight.

Problems come, however, when we're feeling angry too much of the time or we don't deal with these feelings properly. It's common to try to suppress anger or to let it all out in the heat of the moment. But these aren't healthy ways of dealing with anger - for body or mind.

The key is to calm down enough to listen to what our anger is trying to tell us, and find healthy ways to process it.

Here are our tips to help you do just that.

1. Calm down

Often, the least helpful piece of advice someone can give you is to "calm down". Being told to calm down can make you feel like what you're feeling isn't valid or important. And w e know that's not true - you are justified in however you are feeling right now.

But, it really will help you to try to keep your temper to a minimum. This doesn't mean suppressing your anger - a certain level of anger can be healthy, but too much, and you've got a problem to contend with.

The key is to prevent yourself from making poor decisions that you may later on regret.

It's easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and say or do something as a snap decision. But it's in these moments that we're actually at our most vulnerable.

2. Take some deep breaths

Taking a few deep breaths really can reduce your feelings of and change the outcome of a challenging situation. It changes our physical reaction and also gives our brain time to produce a thoughtful response.

This can help you to reassess the situation. Try to look at what has provoked you from a different, more positive, perspective.
Ask yourself some questions:

Is this situation as terrible as it feels right now? Could I be exaggerating its significance?

Can I see this situation from the other person's point of view?

Can I stop focusing exclusively on this negative situation?

Can I refocus my attention on any positive aspects of this situation - such as lessons that can be learned?

3. Write it down

Getting these feelings out on paper (or on a keyboard) can be really beneficial. Once our thoughts are out onto a page, anger can stop stewing in our bodies. There is an added bonus to doing this; we can gain a certain sense of clarity from writing. So, you might find that your thoughts are much clearer from doing this.

However, you choose to write is perfectly fine; it's all personal choice. You might find relief from writing a letter, perhaps to the person that has caused you anger - you don't have to send them the letter, but it can be helpful imagining that they will receive it. Or you might benefit from more creative styles of writing, such as a short story or poetry.

4. Get some rest

Don't try to address anger when you're tired or before you sleep. Since anger revs up your system, it can interfere with restful sleep and cause insomnia. If you can, it is better to examine your anger earlier in the day so your adrenaline can simmer down.

Also, being well-rested makes you less prone to reacting in the first place, allowing you to stay calm and balanced more easily.

5. Talk about it in a healthy way

Once you've allowed yourself to process your anger in a healthy way, you'll find yourself clearer about how to move forward. If you decide that a conversation with the person you were in conflict with is necessary, it could be good to have a chat with a friend or family member first, to give you a second opinion.

Be mindful that you're not doing this all the time, though, as it can be very emotionally draining on the other person to see you in this way regularly. Also bear in mind that they are likely to have your best interests at heart, so their opinion is likely to be biased in your favour.

Once you're ready, and if you feel like the situation needs resolving, having a calm and collected conversation with the person that triggered your anger could be appropriate. That means watching out for passing blame or getting overly personal. Remember, the idea is to move past the initial conflict and reach a happier ground for you and the other party involved.

If you are struggling to manage feelings of anger regularly, then it is important to find support. Talking to a qualified counsellor can help. Discover a therapist experienced in dealing with anger near you.

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Anger can often get a bad rep; it's commonly thought of as a 'bad' or useless emotion. But it isn't. Like all emotions, it gives us important insight. Problems come, however, when we're feeling angry too much of the time or we don't deal with these feelings properly.

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It's no secret - health care workers (HCWs) have gone through a lot over the last year. In addition to all the pandemic-related work stressors like fear of exposure, emotional overload, and dealing with frequent death, many HCWs have faced some difficult interpersonal challenges. Maybe you have family members who deemed COVID-19 a hoax or friends who made some risky decisions that upset you. Even if everyone in your immediate circle took the pandemic seriously, you might harbor resentment toward government officials or your workplace's leadership. It's normal to be angry at the people who you feel let you down, and holding a grudge can be tempting - especially because others' actions (or inactions) directly hurt you. Forgiving people for the harm they caused isn't easy, but it is for your own well-being -it's one of the best ways to reduce the animosity you feel and get yourself to a place of peace.
Why is it so hard to forgive?
Letting go of hurt is never easy, but many people resist forgiveness because they don't truly understand what it is. Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting; it doesn't mean you're letting someone off the hook or condoning their past actions. It also doesn't mean that you have to go back to the relationship you originally had or even be friendly with someone. Forgiveness is a conscious decision to release your feelings of anger or resentment toward whoever harmed you - regardless of whether or not they actually deserve it.
Why is forgiveness important?
Many people view granting forgiveness as a way to preserve a relationship or make the person in the wrong feel better, but it actually helps you - even if you aren't concerned about the other person's feelings, forgiving them supports your own mental wellness. You don't have to tell anyone, including the person who wronged you, that you forgive them.

Cultivating forgiveness is for you. Being hurt by others is part of life - forgiveness comes from your own attitude, not others' actions. You can choose to stick to your anger at people's behavior during COVID-19, or you can choose to accept what happened, reevaluate your relationship with, or trust of, that person, and move forward in a way that feels best for you.
How can I forgive when it feels impossible?
Remember that the act of forgiving is a process, not a one-time event. It might take some time to work through your emotions because you can truly forgive. You aren't obligated to operate on anyone's timeline but your own. If that means you can't ever forgive them, that's okay too.

Forgiveness takes work, and it may not come naturally to you. Here are some ways you can start the process of forgiveness in your own life:

Look at the other perspective. It can be hard to have sympathy for someone who has wronged you, especially at the level of harm that HCWs have faced throughout the COVID-19 pandemic. Seeing the other side's point of view doesn't make their actions right, but understanding their side can reduce the anger you feel towards them. Think about what factors played into their behaviors - what information were they getting about COVID-19? How were the other people in their circles handling the pandemic?

Work on self-soothing. At the end of the day, you can only be responsible for your own actions and reactions. Even when someone causes you pain, you have control over your own reaction to the situation. Integrate self-soothing techniques into dealing with your anger, like focusing on your breathing, doing something creative, or getting some exercise.

Watch out for rumination. When you're experiencing big emotions, it's easy to dwell on the same negative thoughts. This often makes the negative emotions even stronger than they were in the first place because your mind is spending so much time focused on them. If you catch yourself quickly, you can usually stop this thought spiral before it becomes all-consuming.

Imagine their apology. Sometimes you just won't get the apology or closure that you want from someone else. With COVID-19, it's pretty likely that you won't - most people truly believe that however they acted throughout the pandemic was "the right way." Instead of waiting for them to come around, imagine them apologizing to you or role-play the conversation with an empty chair. Acknowledging what you actually want to hear from them can help you process your resentment.

Seek out help. The challenges you have faced throughout COVID-19 are far from normal, and it's okay if you don't know how to - or simply don't want to - handle the emotional fallout on your own. Take a mental health screen to see if you're dealing with symptoms of a mental health condition like depression or PTSD. For more resources to increase your resiliency, check out the Frontline Worker section of MHA's COVID Hub or our Tools2Thrive toolkit. For immediate support 24/7, you can reach out to Magellan Health's COVID-19 first responder crisis line at (800) 327-7451, the Disaster Distress Helpline at (800) 985-5990, or the Crisis Text Line by texting MHA to 741-741.

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It's no secret - health care workers (HCWs) have gone through a lot over the last year. In addition to all the pandemic-related work stressors like fear of exposure, emotional overload, and dealing with frequent death, many HCWs have faced some difficult interpersonal challenges.

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Frustration can be hard to put into words - it's a complicated mix of anger, disappointment, and annoyance. For most health care workers, frustration levels are particularly high right now as many face PPE shortages, minimal workplace support, and a seemingly careless general public. Anger and frustration aren't always productive emotions, and while we can't necessarily control that we feel them, we can control how we react to them. If you need to release some of your pent-up negative energy, here are some healthy ways to do so:

1. Spend some time with animals: Many people find animals to be a source of comfort and support. Interacting with animals has been shown to decrease levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) and lower blood pressure, as well as elevate levels of serotonin and dopamine, which calm and relax[i].

2. Wash your face: It seems so simple but putting cold water on your face doesn't just feel refreshing - it triggers your mammalian diving reflex which slows your heart rate and breathing. By reducing the physical symptoms of frustration, you can interrupt your brain's feedback loop and reduce your emotional frustration as well.

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Frustration can be hard to put into words - it's a complicated mix of anger, disappointment, and annoyance. For most health care workers, frustration levels are particularly high right now as many face PPE shortages, minimal workplace support, and a seemingly careless general public.

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Negative emotions like fear, sadness, and anger are a basic part of life and sometimes we struggle with how to deal with them effectively. It can be tempting to act on what you're feeling right away, but that often doesn't fix the situation that caused the emotions. In fact, it may lead to more problems to deal with down the road.

Some of the harmful ways that people deal with negative emotions:

Denial

Denial is when a person refuses to accept that anything is wrong or that help may be needed. When people deny that they are having problematic feelings, those feelings can bottle-up to a point that a person ends up "exploding" or acting out in a harmful way.

Withdrawal

Withdrawal is when a person doesn't want to be around, or participate in activities with other people. This is different than wanting to be alone from time to time, and can be a warning sign of depression. Some people may withdraw because being around others takes too much energy, or they feel overwhelmed. Others may withdraw because they don't think other people like them or want them to be around. In some cases, people who have behaviors that they are ashamed of may withdraw so other people don't find out about what they are doing. But withdrawal brings its own problems: extreme loneliness, misunderstanding, anger, and distorted thinking. We need to interact with other people to keep us balanced.

Bullying

Bullying is when a person uses force, threats, or ridicule to show power over others. People typically take part in bullying behavior because they don't feel good about themselves and making someone else feel bad makes them feel better about themselves or feel less alone. It is harmful to both the bully and the person being bullied and does not address underlying issues.

Self-harm

Self-harm can take many forms including: cutting, starving one's self, binging and purging, or participating in dangerous behavior. Many people self-harm because they feel like it gives them control over emotional pain. While self-harming may bring temporary relief, these behaviors can become addictive and can lead people to be more out of control and in greater pain than ever.

Substance use

Substance use is the use of alcohol and other drugs to make a person feel better or numb about painful situations. Alcohol and drug use can damage the brain, making it need higher amounts of substances to get the same effect. This can make difficult feelings even worse and in some cases, leads to suicidal thoughts or addiction. If you are concerned about your own or someone else's use of drugs or alcohol, talk to a responsible adult right away to get help.

The good news is that with practice, everyone can do a better job of dealing with their negative emotions in healthy ways. One way to deal with uncomfortable or unpleasant emotions is to remember the word PATH. PATH stands for:

This step is important because instead of acting on feelings right away, you stop yourself and think things through. Count to 100 or say the alphabet backwards.

Step 2: Acknowledge what you're feeling.

For example, are you mad at someone, or are you sad because your feelings were hurt by what they did? Whatever it is that you are feeling, it is ok to feel that way.

Step 3: Think.

Now that you have taken a few moments to figure out what exactly it is that you are feeling, think about how you can make yourself feel better.

Take an action to help yourself based upon what you came up with in the "Think" step.

If you are having trouble thinking of ways to help yourself, try one (or a few) from this list:
Mood Boosters

Read the story of someone you admire

Watch a funny YouTube video

Play with an animal

Watch a movie you loved when you were younger

Reorganize your room

Make a list of places you want to travel

Address Your Basic Needs

Eat a healthy snack.

Drink a glass of water.

Take a shower or bath.

Take a nap.

Process Feelings

Draw how you're feeling.

Make a gratitude list.

Punch a pillow.

Scream.

Let yourself cry.

Rip paper into small pieces.

Vent. Venting is not the same as asking for help, it's taking an opportunity to share your feelings out loud. We do this naturally when we talk with someone we can trust about whatever is upsetting us. You can also vent by writing a letter to the person who upset you. Keep the letter a couple of days and then tear it up. Stick to pen and paper-using social media when you are highly emotional can be tempting, but you might say something you regret.

Problem Solving

Make a list of solutions to problems - it can help to brainstorm with a friend of family member.

Make a list of your strengths. There are plenty of things about you that are awesome, no matter how down you are feeling at the moment.

If a person has upset you, talk with them directly. Fill in the blanks to this sentence - "I feel ______ when (this happens) because ______. Next time, could you please ________." Example: "I feel left out when there is no room at the lunch table, because then I don't have friends to talk to. Next time can you please save me a seat?"

Volunteering/Acts of Kindness

Do something nice for someone you know.

Help a stranger.

Volunteer your time.

Hobbies/Stress Relievers

Learn something new - there are tutorials for all kinds of hobbies online.

Create - try a craft project, color, paint, or draw. Invite a friend to join you for added fun.

Write - you could write a story, a poem, or an entry in a journal.

Get active - dancing, running, or playing a sport are some good ways to get moving.

Play a video game.

Get a plant and start a garden.

Relaxation Exercises

Practice belly breathing -put one hand on your stomach and start to inhale slowly. As you breathe in, imagine a balloon in your stomach filling up and continue to inhale until the balloon is very full. Put your other hand on your heart, feel your heartbeat, and hold your breath for 5 seconds. Now let your breath out slowly for 10 seconds - feel your belly flatten like a deflating balloon. Repeat this process 4 or 5 times and you should notice your heart beat slow down and your muscles relax.

Try progressive muscle relaxation -clench your toes for a count of 5, then relax them for a count of 5, then move to your calves, then your thighs, then your abs, then your arms, then your neck.

Play with Play-Doh.

Go for a walk - feel the ground under your feet and the air on your skin. Focus on your senses.

Find a guided meditation on YouTube.

Do yoga - you can find videos on demand using your tv or online.

Read a book.

Listen to music, a podcast, or an audiobook.

Unplug - turn off your phone, tablet, and/or computer for an hour or so.

Ask for Help

Text a friend.

Ask someone to just sit with you.

Call a family member.

Talk to an adult you trust.

Call a friend you haven't talked to recently.

If you are in crisis, call 1-800-273-TALK or text "MHA" to 741741.

If nothing seems to work...

If you still feel sad, worried, or scared after trying to help yourself, you might be showing the early warning signs of anxiety or depression.

A screening is an anonymous, free, and private way to learn about your mental health and if you are showing warning signs of a mental illness. Visit mhascreening.org to take a screen. It only takes a few minutes, and after you are finished you will be given information about the next steps you should take based on the results.

A screening is not a diagnosis, but it can be a helpful tool for starting a conversation with your doctor or a loved one about your mental health.

Adapted from Red Flags: Harmful Coping Responses and Coping Responses.

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Helpful vs Harmful: Ways to Manage Emotions

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Negative emotions like fear, sadness, and anger are a basic part of life and sometimes we struggle with how to deal with them effectively. It can be tempting to act on what you're feeling right away, but that often doesn't fix the situation that caused the emotions.

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You know the feeling. A rising tightness in your chest, flushed skin, claustrophobia, maybe the sense that you want to lash out or even hit something. Anger. Anger!

Whether it's a trauma from childhood, the chaos of the world, frustration over the dubious choices of a co-worker, or fury at something hurtful your partner has said, anger is a deeply uncomfortable feeling to experience. Many of us are not taught how to deal with anger properly. In fact, anger is often demonized, treated as a "bad" emotion with no useful purpose.

Is this true? Or is there such a thing as healthy anger?

Anger in Itself Is Not Unhealthy

Anger is, according to the late psychologist Charles Spielberger PhD, who specialized in studying anger, an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. As the American Psychological Association (APA) notes, anger can cause your heart rate and blood pressure to rise, along with a spike in adrenaline.

Anger in itself is not negative. "We are allowed to express anger because it is a natural emotion," says Talkspace therapist Reshawna Chapple, PhD, LCSW. Rather, it's how we respond to feelings of anger that make it healthy or unhealthy. Chapple says anger will become uncontrollable and toxic if we keep it bottled inside.

Anger can also be a useful sign of other emotions you might be experiencing. "Anger is an indication of fear, frustration, or helplessness," says Chapple. "Most of the time when we feel afraid or hopeless, or we believe that we're being taken advantage of, it can turn into anger."

The Four Types of Anger Expression

There are four ways that we typically express anger. "Three out of the four types are unhealthy manifestations: aggressive, passive-aggressive and suppressive,". "While only one, assertive, is healthy."

As Hammond details, examples of aggression are throwing things and hitting, passive-aggression means sulking or blaming others, and suppression might mean being resentful and denying your anger.

Being assertive, on the other hand, means confronting others kindly, conveying frustration without blaming others, and not insisting on being right.

Anger Gets A Bad Rap

Anger has a bad reputation, in part, because it's often associated with violence. But according to the American Psychological Association, that's a mistake.

"In fact, anger seems to be followed by aggression only about 10% of the time, and lots of aggression occurs without any anger," said Howard Kassinove, PhD, and co-author of Anger Management: The Complete Treatment Guidebook for Practice.

People also fear anger simply because it's uncomfortable. "Our society is told that everyone needs to be nice, and that being angry is reserved for bad people," says Chapple. "That isn't true: anyone can get angry."

Anger is particularly demonised in women: you might have heard of a woman being called shrill or hysterical for expressing her outrage. Chapple says that's especially true for Black women: "If we have any sort of emotion that is not quiet and sweet, then we come off as angry. On the other hand, [traditional] gender roles indicate that 'angry men' are problem-solvers and doers."

Expressing Anger Can Be Constructive

People might fear anger, but research has shown it can often lead to good things.

James Averill, PhD, a University of Massachusetts Amherst psychologist studied everyday anger in the 1980s and found that "angry episodes helped strengthen relationships about half the time," writes Tori DeAngelis in the APA.

A 2002 report in the Journal of Clinical Psychology found that 40% of a community sample of 93 people reported positive long-term effects of angry episodes (compared with 36% reporting neutral and 25% reporting negative).

The APA also cites a 1997 study in the Journal of Social Behavior and Personality which discovered that "55% of a comparative community sample of Russians and Americans said an angry episode produced a positive outcome. Almost a third of them noted the episode helped them see their own faults."

One of the researchers, Howard Kassinove, said: "People who are targets of anger in these studies will say things like, 'I really understand the other person much better now - I guess I wasn't listening before.' While assertive expression is always preferable to angry expression, anger may serve an important alerting function that leads to deeper understanding of the other person and the problem."

How To Cope With Feelings of Anger

So how do we deal with our own anger in a constructive way? How do we move towards a place that is assertive, rather than aggressive?

Make it clear what your needs are, and how to have them met without hurting other people, advises the APA. "Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others."

Avoid suppressing your anger by holding it in because "anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression," says the APA. (A longitudinal study by psychologist Dr. Ernest Harburg even found that people who hid the anger they felt in response to an unjust attack were more likely to get bronchitis and heart attacks).

When you're in the heat of the moment, take a second to soothe yourself. Take deep breaths and allow your heart rate to lower. " Exercise can help [to let off steam], as can journaling, talking to people, and dancing," says Chapple.

When you're physically calmer, you'll be able to move into that assertive and respectful space, without either suppressing feelings or becoming passive-aggressive.

Psychologist and specialist in anger management, Bernard Golden PhD, identified eight key skills in practising healthy responses to anger. They include:

Observing and experiencing anger without being overwhelmed by it

Viewing anger as a signal to direct our attention inward

Developing self-compassion

Developing strategies to let go of anger

Use Anger, Don't Let It Use You

If you're ever in a situation where someone is making you feel that your anger is "wrong" or "bad," remember that it is perfectly healthy to experience anger.

Use the feeling as a prompt to look inwards and explore what you need. Developing the skills to cope with anger in a way that is assertive (rather than suppressing it or lashing out) is the key to not letting the emotion overcome and control you.

"Try to find something productive or positive to off-set the anger," Chapple advises. "For example, if you're angry about the mistreatment of others, find a way to help people." If used in the right way, anger can definitely be healthy, and even beneficial to yourself and others. If you feel like you need help managing your anger in a healthy way speaking with a licensed online therapist is an inexpensive, convenient way to get started.

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Is There Such a Thing as Healthy Anger? | Talkspace

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You know the feeling. A rising tightness in your chest, flushed skin, claustrophobia, maybe the sense that you want to lash out or even hit something. Anger. Anger! Whether it's a trauma from childhood, the chaos of the world, frustration over the dubious choices of a co-worker, or fury at something hurtful your partner has said, anger is a deeply uncomfortable feeling to experience.

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This post contains affiliate links. Learn more here.﻿
When I Feel Angry by Cornelia Maude Spelman
I love using books when working with children as a mental health professional. It's such a great way to start a conversation or introduce some different strategies to them. Here are several of my favorite books to use to help kids learn to manage their anger.
Don't Rant and Rave on Wednesdays by Adolph Moser
For the younger crowd (Preschool/Early Elementary):
A Volcano in My Tummy by Eliane Whitehouse and Warwick Pudney
This is part of "The Way I Feel" series. It explains how different things can make you angry, and that feeling angry is an expected part of life, but it's what you do when you're angry that matters.

It mentions the consequences of having unchecked anger, and acknowledges that adults struggle with this too. A large part of the book explains different strategies kids can use to express anger in a safe way, which I think is great.

This is one of my favorite resources to use with kids. Early in my career, I was using one of the worksheets from this book and explaining the basics of angry feelings to one of my little clients. He looked at me and said "That's exactly what it feels like. Ooooh, you're good!".

What books do you use to help kids manage their anger?

Tagged: helping kids with anger, elementary school kids and anger, angry kids, angry child

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9 Books to Help Kids Deal with Anger - Coping Skills for Kids

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I love using books when working with children as a mental health professional. It's such a great way to start a conversation or introduce some different strategies to them. Here are several of my favorite books to use to help kids learn to manage their anger.

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The Anger Control Workbook
Matthew McKay and Peter Rogers

The ever-escalating costs of anger are well documented: sabotaging careers, alienating friends and family, triggering illness, causing bodily harm. Written by two well-regarded experts in the field, New Harbinger The Anger Control Workbook introduces a new and radically simplified approach to anger control. Step- by-step exercises will aid the reader in identifying, understanding, responding to and ultimately coping with their hostile feelings. 2000,

The Anger Management Sourcebook
Glenn R. Schiraldi

Follow this straightforward program and in just seven weeks discover the levelheaded parent, spouse, coworker, and friend you've always known was buried beneath your surly surface. Packed with practical tips, this guide helps you recognize anger triggers, choose effective alternatives, and constructively channel your energy. In these pages, you'll find a variety of approaches for managing this complex emotion, including: anticipating and defusing volatile situations; handling criticism without flying off the handle; calming down with meditation and imagery techniques; getting enough sleep, nutrition, and exercise; keeping an anger journal; and replacing bitterness with empathy and forgiveness. 2002, McGraw-Hill

Harriet Lerner

Dr. Lerner writes, ?anger is a signal and one worth listening to.? This renowned classic has transformed the lives of millions of readers. The book teaches women to identify the true sources of their anger and to use anger as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting change. 2014, William Morrow Paperbacks

Dr. Beck, the founder of cognitive psychotherapy, focuses in this book on social problems from domestic violence to bigotry, crime and war. ?A reflective consideration of the dysfunctional thinking that results in acts ranging from verbal abuse on the personal level to mass murder on the societal level as well as suggestions for remedying these problems.? (Kirkus Reviews) 1999, HarperPerennial

Start Where You Are
Pema Chodron

Buddhist nun Chodron teaches that the faults and foibles in each of us now are the perfect ingredients for creating a better life - no need to wait for a quieter time or a more settled mind. She uses "tonglen" - a meditative technique that involves taking in the dark, heavy, negative emotions and sending out an attitude of light, compassionate embrace, a warm spaciousness, in its place. Her humane, incisive approach can help any sincere reader learn to relate to fear and pain in new ways that will open their hearts to the richness of life and love. 2001, Shambhala

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Howard Kassinove and Raymond Chip Tafrate

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Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, Martha Davis

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Matthew McKay, Peter Rogers, Judith McKay

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Best Anger Management Self Help Books | Anger Management Techniques

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The Anger Control Workbook Matthew McKay and Peter Rogers The ever-escalating costs of anger are well documented: sabotaging careers, alienating friends and family, triggering illness, causing bodily harm. Written by two well-regarded experts in the field, New Harbinger The Anger Control Workbook introduces a new and radically simplified approach to anger control.

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Amazon Best Sellers: Best Anger Management Self Help

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Discover the best Anger Management Self Help in Best Sellers. Find the top 100 most popular items in Amazon Books Best Sellers.

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mindful anger: a pathway to emotional freedom

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anger management (see also family & relationships

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self-help / self-management / anger management (see also family & relationships / anger)

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self-help/self-management - anger management (see also family & relationships - anger

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self-management - anger management (see also family & relationships - anger

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self-help / self-management / anger management (see also family & relationships / anger)

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self-help/self-management - anger management (see also family & relationships - anger

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Mindful Anger: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom

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Amazon.com: Mindful Anger: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom (9780393708943): Brandt, Andrea: Books

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AIMS for Anger Management - Apps on Google Play

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anger management tools, education, and support

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Anger is amongst one of the most destructive emotions that we humans often experience. People must begin to take help for their anger management. Interestingly, one doesn't necessarily need to see a therapist, and there are plenty of Anger Management Apps people can use.

Anger is good only for destroying opportunities, relations, and one's peace. Despite knowing what anger may lead to, humans often find themselves angry and frustrated. The support of family and friends, along with awareness, can help anyone fix anger issues.

It's like they can't control themselves and their emotions for most people, and as a result, they get angry. And anger makes people feel disconnected from the world. When angry, most people are prone to misbehave with their friends or family.

The side effects of anger are many, and it only harms the people. When one is angry, inappropriate behavior may lead them to take harsh steps like ending a relationship with someone close.

While anger might not seem like a huge problem, a large section of our society struggles with poor anger management.

While technology has evolved drastically, it has also made it easier to manage anger. Now, people with anger issues can simply use a bunch of applications on their mobile devices to manage their angst. Most of these apps use soothing techniques to help their users take control of emotions.

While meditation is a great tool to control one's emotions, it might not always be feasible. In comparison, one may use mobile applications to manage anger at any time, from anywhere.

However, these apps may not replace professional help as a professional is much more trained and qualified.

One may see, app stores are flooded with apps that claim to help manage anger. However, there are only a handful of useful apps to control anger.

To ensure that you choose the right app, we've reviewed some of the best anger management apps just for you.

Best Anger Management Apps: Our Top Pick 👌👌

1. Calm: Editor Choice Anger Management App 🤴

Calm, an app trusted by millions for help regarding sleeping, meditation, and relaxing. The app features various step by step meditation for managing stress, anxiety, and anger. Users can set customized timers for most of the meditations listed on the Calm app.

Some of the most reliable and effective meditation programs include Deep Sleep, Focus and Concentration, Calming Anxiety, and more.

Each meditation program is customized for users in various stages of life. The app also has guided meditation for college students with the name mindfulness at college.

Apart from these guided meditations, the app also features stories that can help users fall asleep. Users can choose the length of the program anywhere between 7 days and 21 days. The app also sends reminders to help users continue their routine.

Top experts from various backgrounds recommend Calm, a sleeping, meditation, and relaxing app, as one of the best anger management apps.

Users can choose their level between beginner, intermediate, and expert as per one's familiarity with meditation. The app will then suggest programs based on the user's response.

1. The app includes masterclass sessions from expert psychologists and other professionals. The masterclasses are available for various topics and can help users improve themself in a variety of fields. Users can also download masterclasses for offline use.

2. Users can also listen to music from their favorite artists using the Calm app. It gives users the ability to explore new songs based on their mood.

3. Kids and teenagers can also use the calm app to manage their anger, anxiety, and stress.

4. To help users build great habits and take total control of their emotions, the Calm app also allows them to track their progress.

5. There are various breathing exercises that users can do regularly to get rid of their anger issues.

1. Some of the content on the app requires users to have a subscription.

2. Sometimes the app might misbehave and send notifications and reminders at frequent intervals.

3. The charges for premium content might be beyond the budget of some users.
Download on Google Play Store Download on Apple App Store
2. Sanvello for Anxiety, Depression, and Stress

Sanvello is a power-packed app for stressed, anxious, and depressed people. The app features therapy sessions, coaching, and self-care tools to help users deal with their anger or anxiety. Sanvello works using Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to manage the problems of the users.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy can help experts deal with the stress, anxiety, and anger of their patients. The Sanvello app creates a fusion of CBT and technology to help its users.

As per data from the app, 60 percent of the users felt a change in their overall mental health.

The app also has a community of around 3 million users. Sanvello's community is a great place for users to indulge in active discussions and group chats on a variety of issues. The significant part is, Sanvello keeps the user identity as Anonymous during the group discussions.

The user interface of the Sanvello app is beautifully designed, and the theme itself is so relaxing. One may use the app to instantly control their anger and protect their relationships from the adverse effects of anger.

The community interactions, on the other hand, are warming, and most members are generous. Sanvello's community makes the app stand out as one of the most promising anger management apps.

1. The techniques provided in the app are clinically proven and tested. The self-care tools are carefully crafted to ensure users can cope up with their emotions.

2. Users can practice mindfulness with a variety of guided meditations. The activity tracker can help users check their progress regularly.

3. The live interactive therapy sessions are great for users who struggle to share their emotions with friends and family.

4. One can also improve their public speaking skills with some of the activities mentioned in the app.

1. Some of the features listed in the Sanvello app might not work for users outside the United States. Even features like Therapy is available in select US states.

2. Sometimes users may face issues using their Gmail to create an account on Sanvello App.
Download on Google Play Store
3. HeadSpace: Meditation and Sleep
Download on Apple App Store
With over ten million users, Head Space is one of the most trusted anger management apps. With meditation, users can create better habits and control their emotions to lead a better life.

The HeadSpace app guides users with step by step meditation practices and helps them focus and stay calm.

Simple breathing practices performed regularly for about ten to twenty minutes can change one's outlook on life and mental health.

Head Space is home to various calming, meditative programs and practices that are effective and simple. One would feel better, lighter, and confident after doing the suggested exercises carefully.

Users who find it difficult to fall asleep may also use the HeadSpace app to get help with sleeping. There are numerous meditations for users struggling with a poor sleeping pattern. Additionally, the app also has a collection of soothing sounds that can help users sleep better.

Users can also motivate their friends or family members by sharing their daily progress. The progress tracker of headspace is an excellent tool for users to stay motivated.

To help beginners meditate better, the co-founder of the app provides tips to the users as their personal coach.

1. As the app has tons of meditation programs for all age groups, even kids can also use it for mindfulness. There are programs focusing on kids to help them focus better and sleep well.

2. The app also includes various breathing exercises for a calming experience during a tough day.

3. The co-founder's support for newbies to get started on the path of mindfulness is a great way to motivate people.

4. Users can also avail SOS sessions with experts from Head Space. SOS Sessions intend to provide relief to the users during their emotional breakdowns.

1. There are plenty of helpful features that are only available to users who have a monthly subscription.

2. Some issues might struggle while creating a new account on the app. However, the technical team seems promising to resolve any such problems at the earliest.

4. MindDoc: Mood Tracker for Depression & Anxiety
Download on Google Play Store
MindDoc is a journal for people who have anger or anxiety issues. One can record their feelings in the journal, and it tracks down how a user is feeling. Once a user's answers are analyzed, the MindDoc suggests various exercises users can perform to make their situation better.
Download on Apple App Store
MindDoc can be great to cure mild symptoms of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem. The reports of the Mind Doc app can be shared with professional therapists or Psychologists. Users can also use the journal to explain how they feel at a point in time.

The MindDoc journal gives important insights into one's behavior and emotions. These insights can help users understand themselves better and take control of their emotions.

It's one of those anger management apps that help users understand why they feel a certain way.

The audio and visual exercises suggested in the app for the users have a soothing and relaxing impact on most issues.

The user interface of the MindDoc app is clean and doesn't confuse users with complex processes. Features like Discover the app is helpful for users to explore more exercises and therapies on the app.

1. Scientists and psychotherapists design the MindDoc app. The app tries to create awareness about mental health and provide instant help for mild symptoms.

2. Since psychotherapists and scientists design it, the programs suggested by the app are powerful, effective, and trustworthy.

3. The monitoring feature of the MindDoc journal is impressive and works efficiently to detect symptoms.

4. The insights generated by the app can help users understand what triggers their mental health. The insights also include mindful practices that can help users stay calm.

1. Some features of the MindDoc app are locked. Users need to spend their money to unlock the full potential of the app.

2. Kids might not be able to improve their mental health with the help of the Mind Doc app.

At the time of our research on Best Anger Management Apps, we found a video about " A JAPANESE METHOD TO RELAX IN 5 MINUTES " which is worth watching.

Over a million users have control of their anxiety, anger, or depression with the BetterHelp app. The app has over 10,000 trained experts who are eager to help users with anxiety or depression issues.
Download on Google Play Store
Experts on the BetterHelp app can also provide users with CBT and DBT therapy. Not many apps out there provide Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and BetterHelp experts are a blessing.
Download on Apple App Store
One may use BetterHelp, one of the most trusted anger management apps, to get experts' help for their Stress, Anxiety, OCD, and more. Users may also choose to have live interactive sessions of therapy with the experts.

There's no limit on how many sessions a user may have with their therapist on the BetterHelp app. Moreover, all the sessions are kept secret between the user and the therapist.

1. Users can effortlessly get help for their mental health from expert therapists and counselors. Moreover, users don't need to visit a clinic to talk to a mental health expert.

2. The app aims to help mental health issues like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anger, Stress, and Social Anxiety.

3. Experts provide customized suggestions for each user.

4. BetterHelp app also conducts web seminars to help users understand more about mental health. These webinars are conducted with an aim to educate more and more users about mental health.

1. The app doesn't have the features like guided meditations to help users soothe their anxiety or stress.

2. People who hesitate to communicate on video calls might not be able to use the app to its full potential.

6. 7 Cups: Anxiety & Stress Chat

7 Cups is another one of the most trusted and reliable anger management apps. Users can take help with their mental health issues like anger, depression, stress, and anxiety.
Download on Google Play Store
The app features a variety of tools for mindfulness and the user's overall well-being. The app claims to provide free mental health solutions. However, some features are locked and require users to pay for them.
Download on Apple App Store
The 7 Cups app has trained listeners who work with the users and understand their condition. Once the listener has all the information about the user's condition, they recommend various exercises and mindfulness meditations.

All the experts on the app are either trained listeners or licensed therapists. The users can be sure they'll get help from professionals when they use the 7 Cups app. Users can be worry-free as the app ensures full protection of the user data.

1. Users can choose the listener they want to talk with and share their experiences. This feature lets users take control and only talk with users they feel would be good enough.

2. 7 Cups users can also choose to hide their identity and stay anonymous with the listeners. This feature comes in handy for shy people.

3. It's free to speak to a listener on the 7 Cups app.

4. Users who decide to text their listeners can also do so without fearing that the app stores their data. All the chats are deleted to ensure data protection.

1. Users who wish to speak to therapists might need to spend some money on therapy.

2. The graphics of the app could have been better and more relaxing.

People with anger issues often feel anxious or doing something that might ruin things for them. Millions of users trust simple Habit as they go to anger management apps.

Users can find numerous guided meditations and therapy sessions for fighting depression and anxiety. The coaches on the Simple Habit app are former monks and renowned experts of mental health.

The experience and expertise of the experts can help users relax and feel less anxious. Users can customize their meditation plans for anywhere between five to twenty minutes.
Download on Google Play Store
If users feel demotivated or emotionally drained, they can also get motivation sessions from the experts. There's a lot of coaching stuff available on the Simple Habit app.
Download on Apple App Store
The app also features podcasts from mental health experts, and these podcasts make the standout from most anger management apps.

With the app's interactive user-interface, users can also track their progress on the path of better mental health. The app can help users create great habits to change their lives.

1. Users of the Simple Habit app can also develop effective leadership skills with various leadership programs included in the app.

2. Regular use of the simple habit app can lead uses to better mental health and healthier intra-personal relationships.

3. One can always stay positive with the help of various exercises given in the Simple Habit app.

4. The Simple Habit app is easy to use.

1. Some of the most effective features of the app are locked. And, the users need to pay EFI to unlock them.

2. Some meditations included in the app might play automatically and may annoy the users.

8. Self Help For Anxiety Management

Anxiety Management is crucial to avoid negative emotions and feelings. People often struggle with anxiety, stress, and depression. To help students, professionals, couples cope with anxiety, the University of West England designed the SAM app.
Download on Google Play Store
SAM or Self Help for Anxiety Management is among those anger management apps that reflect on the user's mental health issues. The app can trace what triggers the user and makes them feel anxious, stressed, or angry.
Download on Apple App Store
Various techniques are listed on the SAM app to help users deal with mild stress or anger. One may use the app to develop their knowledge about mental health and deal with their own stress.

The SAM app is created by professional psychologists and trained experts keen to help others improve their mental health. Moreover, the app is easy to use with a great user-interface.

Pros of Self Help for Anxiety Management:-

1. Professional psychologists create the Self Help for Anxiety App. One can be assured that they will get the best help.

2. Users can also share their stories and experiences with other users on the app. The experience sharing can be done while staying anonymous.

3. Users also get guidance from top experts on how they can practice self-help to tackle mental health issues.

4. The app is user-friendly.

Cons of Self Help for Anxiety Management:-

1. Users cannot find guided meditations to manage their anger.

2. Teenagers and kids might find it challenging to understand and manage their mental health issues using the SAM app.

Anger Management Apps are a blessing for people who suffer from mental health issues. One may rely on these apps to deal with moderate symptoms of depression, anger, and anxiety because some apps have highly-qualified experts.

Users get the freedom to explore various apps and stick with a few that work best for them. Ultimately, the goal is to keep good mental health to live life to the fullest.
Download on Google Play Store Download on Apple App Store

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9 Of The Best Anger Management Apps in 2021- Reviewed 🤴

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Anger is amongst one of the most destructive emotions that we humans often experience. People must begin to take help for their anger management. Interestingly, one doesn't necessarily need to see a therapist, and there are plenty of Anger Management Apps people can use. Anger is good only for destroying opportunities, relations, and one's peace.

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- "I had the pleasure of being able to try this app out and I promise you: it is worth it. The app offers great techniques that you can personalize what you need directly. If you are having anger issues and you genuinely want to change, this app will help. It wasn't long before many of the techniques on the app made their way into my everyday life. Seriously download this."

- "As someone who struggles quite heavily with anger my outburst, this app truly makes a big difference. it has a easy to use and aesthetically pleasing interface. There are a ton of helpful tools, such as logging anger, meditation, calming sounds & music, and so much more. I highly recommend this app to anyone needing help with anger, or calming down in any situation."

Quit Anger is a mental health and self-care app to help manage and control anger. It can be used by anyone who is coping with anger problems, stress, or anxiety. The app encourages users to maintain an anger log, a CBT inspired diary to help individuals dealing with anger. Users can also select from 25+ different tools and exercises like breathing, mindfulness, muscle relaxation, etc. to help relax and calm down.

Key features:

- Anger Log
It is a CBT inspired diary to record the causes and consequences of episodes of anger. Users are encouraged to keep an anger log to record triggers, emotions, body sensations, thoughts, behaviors, and consequences.

- Tools and Exercises
Users can select from 25+ different tools and exercises to help calm down and relax.

Some of the tools are:
Breathing Exercises
Mindfulness and Meditation
Muscle Relaxation
Relaxing Music
Soothing Sounds
Inspiring Quotes
Calming Phrases
Grounding Techniques
Timeout

- Insights
They help you understand and reflect upon the causes of your anger and see your progress over time. You also get to know which tools help you calm down the most.

- Apple Watch and Siri Shortcuts
Quickly access tools on the go with Apple Watch and also create Siri Shortcuts.

- Learn
A variety of short story styled lessons to learn more about anger.

- iCloud Sync & Backup
Always keep your anger logs secured and protected by automatic backup to iCloud and easily sync across multiple devices.

- Widgets support
Easily access all your tools and exercises with widgets.

You can also easily track your personal progress and wellbeing over time, with Insights on the app or by easily adding the Mindful Minutes you spend with Quit Anger to your Apple HealthKit.

QUIT ANGER PLUS

Quit Anger offers an auto-renewing monthly subscription at $1.99, an auto-renewing yearly subscription at $10.99 and a lifetime purchase at $15.99. Monthly plan offers a 3-day free trial and yearly plan offers a 7-day free trial.

This price is in US Dollars (USD). Pricing in other currencies and countries may vary and actual charges may be converted to your local currency depending on the country of residence.

The subscription automatically renews unless turned off in your iTunes Account at least 24 hours before the end of the current subscription period. Your iTunes account will be charged when the purchase is confirmed.

Read more about our Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy here:
https://miary.app/quitanger/privacy_terms.html

We are always there for you!
- If you are facing any issues or have questions, please feel free to email us. Hope you enjoy using our app as much as we do! :)

UPDATE - Please help

UPDATE: I initially reported having problems loading up the app. The support team was very responsive and was able to assist me right away with my issue. I'm very pleased with the prompt response.

Old post - Literally just bought this app, lifetime purchase and it will not open. Every time I open it, the app closes out on its own. Can anyone please assist? Otherwise, can I please have a refund? Thanks.

Hi,
The bug has been solved. Please update the app to Version 1.0.45
Thank you for your understanding! :)

Truly Works

I had the pleasure of being able to try this app out and I promise you: it is worth it. The app offers great techniques that you can personalize what you need directly. If you are having anger issues and you genuinely want to change, this app will help. It wasn't long before many of the techniques on the app made their way into my everyday life. Seriously download this.

Thank you very much for your review. I am glad that you liked the app! :)

great features but wish they were more seamless

I love the breathing exercises and the music. I wish the entries could be edited, and it would be nice to have a reflection section I could add to for later. Sometimes I have realizations hours later that would be nice to record. It would also be nice for the music to be in playlist form, so it would automatically go from one song to the next.

The developer, Akash Jain, indicated that the app's privacy practices may include handling of data as described below. For more information, see the developer's privacy policy.

Data Not Linked to You

The following data may be collected but it is not linked to your identity:

Privacy practices may vary, for example, based on the features you use or your age. Learn More

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‎- "I had the pleasure of being able to try this app out and I promise you: it is worth it. The app offers great techniques that you can personalize what you need directly. If you are having anger issues and you genuinely want to change, this app will help.

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0:00 / 1:42•Watch full video

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What Is Anger? - Feeling and Emotions for Kids