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Here is a quasi-still life, found near where I do most of my homework for class -- that is, at the kitchen table. I technically live off-campus, yet the apartment is conveniently very close to campus (right near lo-rise). I am grateful to have this space, it feels like something I can call "home" right now. I think about the bare essentials that allow me to feel at ease -- a sense of stability, a lack of an imminent threat of displacement or violence. After reading Nyers, I'm thinking more about the difference between refugee experiences of fear and nation-states production and rendering of fear, in which the latter serves to reify a false sense of a clear hero and enemy and keep the status quo.

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One of the girls (3rd grade) gave me this during the service-learning session on Saturday. I had colored my own page, asked her for her name, then wrote “For Muzhda, From Kevin.” I said, “I tried my best with the flowers.” She said, “I think they look beautiful.” She colored this page, then gave it to me afterwards. It’s now hanging on my fridge.

Being around the kids, I had learned that they relate to people differently than a lot of Americans (my experience too). Whereas many Americans would show *courtesy* and not necessarily *love*, the kids show love first.

“It doesn’t matter how wealthy you are, it’s what you do and how creative you are.”

—I didn’t get to know her name, but another girl said this to me. I told her, yes, keep preaching! (She also asked why I didn’t get pizza; I said, “I’m waiting for everyone else to get pizza.” She said, “Bruh, you’re missing out. You need to get pizza.” I said, “Okay.” She said, “You *better* get pizza!” and I did.)

Walking into the event, I felt scared, anxious, because I cared a lot about making a good time for the kids. I think they saw that, and responded with their own gratitude.

When we played the photo-matching game, Muzhda got my photo. She looked at me several times, then gave me the right photo. I asked, “How did you figure it out?” She said, “It’s the eyebrows!”

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My photo features some notes I started taking/quotes I started collecting as I started thinking through my essay. I am thinking about Oliver's Carceral Humanitarianism, in conversation with Ai Weiwei's documentary Human Flow. I am focusing on  Oliver’s idea of “border figures”, and how thinking about border figures can lead to understanding and contextualization of the lived experiences that Human Flow depicts, as Human Flow films the lives of many "border figures". In return, Weiwei’s documentary brings personhood and empathy to the
"border figures" in Oliver’s critique, and portrays them beyond the concept of "collateral damage" that they have been relegated to.

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Here I am eating a bag of Ruffles and drinking an Arizona Green Tea from WeShop that I bought using points which is basically the same as Monopoly money while I am reading an academic's interpretation of modern governments' bickering that has been ongoing for decades about how to deal with migrants fleeing persecution for being who they are. As I continue to eat more Ruffles and drink more Arizona Green tea and governments continue to bicker, there are still millions of migrants in horrible camps/settlements that are wondering when or if the suffering will end. It really goes to show you how shielded we are from reality. It's truly depressing.

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What competing entanglements do refugees face? How do different people navigate commitments to themselves and to community?

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This is a photo of my passport, as I was really struck by pages 59-60 of the "Fearful Subjects" portion of the Peter Nyers reading where Nyers discusses how having a passport can be seen as a marker of a lack of fear of persecution because of its inherent connection to a state identity (= state protection = no fear = citizen = no international protection/asylum). The role of nation-states/governments has been on my mind since our first few readings, and thinking about the arbitrary/ambiguous nature of borders and when they are enforced in relationship to refugees/refugeeness has made me think about my own "national" identity and citizenship.

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The other day I was looking at this print hanging in my housemate's room. I had just reread Home by Warsan Shire and had those images of grief and trauma in front-mind. As I looked at the subject of the print I saw a deer caught in headlights.

I asked my housemate about the print and she said the artist had no political intentions when creating the piece; any political message was purely coincidental, my own projection.

This reminded me of the thesis from Kelly Oliver's piece, that human rights discourse is always political. Does authorial intent complicate that argument?

This little thought-train inspired me to put Oliver and Shire in conversation in my first essay for this class.

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This image is featured in the photobook "i saw the air fly", published by Sirkhane Darkroom - a mobile darkroom and non-profit along the Turkish/Syrian border. Sirkhane Darkroom provides children in these areas with film cameras and encourages them to understand photography as a form of play and experimentation. The cameras enable the photographers (sometimes as young as 4 years old) to depict their environment from their own perspective. I wanted to share this with the class because this work closely resembles our photovoice collaboration with Elena's Light. I also think this photobook adds an interesting perspective to our ongoing conversation on the aesthetics of the refugee in art. The beauty and joy in these photos deconstructs not only common tropes about refugees, but also the elitist nature of the western art world.

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This is an oil painting made by my grandfather, who as a teenager fled Chile due to political persecution and is now Paris-based artist. This painting comments on cultural identity, borders, and resettlement. I’ve been thinking about this painting a lot lately since taking this class.

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My reflection photo centers a drawing I made based on Salman Toor’s 2018 painting “Immigration Portrait,” my reading notes, and some of Toor’s artworks in the background. I chose this photograph because I have been thinking a lot about the tropes used to visually represent refugees and how “refugee aesthetics” have emerged through the photographs of artists like Salgado. While Toor’s artworks are paintings, not photographs, and of immigrants, not refugees, he highlights loneliness and alienation prominent in the immigrant community as well as what it means to hold a brown queer identity. I’m really interested in how abstraction is used to visually represent refugees and if how this mode of representation contributes to the “refugee aesthetic.”

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In some classes/circumstances I find myself skimming through certain readings. Not so here. Everything we've read and watched deserves full attention and careful viewing, and the more we read the more I find myself stunned by how little I know. I've been reflecting on my high school history and current events type of classes. Why, in a U.S. high school setting, are refugee histories and current crises not taught or discussed? Why is it acceptable to ignore refugee narratives?

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I was inspired to doodle for my second reflection after coloring with the photographers in New Haven earlier today. I found the experience to be incredibly calming and centering. We connected with the images on the page, giggled about our color choices, and sat as a collective completing such a simple task. This quick drawing has a bursting like quality to it. My world is expanding so rapidly through this course, both through personal reflection and discourse with my peers. There is also a floral element to the drawing, a beautiful, new, fresh, blooming idea that represents my newfound knowledge, connection, and growth. Finally, the colors represent, very literally, Wesleyan - the place in which all this challenging and beautiful change is occurring.

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As we embark further on this course, I am shown time and time again how little I know about the refugee crisis and the refugee experience. Whilst I have learned more in the past few weeks than I have over the course of my life, it seems that the amount of questions I have grows every day as we learn more about the complexities of the issue.

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As I learn more about refugees and the refugee experience on a smaller scale, I am experiencing a certain level of gratitude. Being able to call a safe place "home" is something I take for granted, and reading about the experiences of others who do not have that privilege has opened my eyes to that. It is making me reflect on what it means to be able to call somewhere home.