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Ladies and Gentlemen. I’ve come to tell you to NOT enlist in war, it’s a horrible, deadly experience,

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Mattea's paragraph

Ladies and gentlemen I sha'll not tell you to enlist in the army. Thousands of lives were lost. Families were lost. Children with no fathers.... all this is the result of the war. I've been there, I've seen people shot in the head, limbs blown off, seen there last breath.  My main reason why I tell you not to enlist is the moment you leave England you'll never come back the same.  You have to shoot people, see their face before they fall on the floor, dead, never to wake again. This is all traumatizing... I still wake up hearing the screams, bombs and gunshots. So please... I cannot tell everyone in England not to enlist, spread the word. Tell family, friends, neighbors even people you do not particularly like

WWW:used good a forestfire  techniques. ➖P.A➖Muaath➖
EBI: to further expand this paragraph and add more detail

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Ladies and gentlemen,im here to tell you all the terrible reasons why you should not join the army and go to war.All the male go out to war and fight for their country but they do not think about their family at home not getting money,food and even protection because their husbands or fathers are out in war.there is no point of you going to war you will just kill people and they might kill you and there is no end to it. do you want to not see your family? It is very scary and terrifying when you go in there is no way out.There is no winner at the end all people would have been killed and it is like you just wasting your life on your country but at the end you die and nothing happened at the end. Trust me i have experienced this several times like sleeping in the trenches and looking at people in your army dying and the other people do not care about it.and soldiers getting life long injury or maybe you will get an injury to.mark my words you do not want to go to war and it does not sound as good in the advertisments.

Thank you,

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Ladies and gentlemen,war is a horrible place.I should know,I've been there. Now let me tell you why you lads should not join the army.
Firstly,why are we in this war in the first place?Is it beneficial for us ,for our loved ones?No,no it's not.
The only people who benefit from war are: generals,politicians and the media.
Fighting in war isn't patriotsm ,it's being forced to kill innocents,taking children's parents from them and taking their human rights.I know for a fact that there's not one day that has passed that I haven't felt guilty,that I haven't felt sick inside.
If you come out of war alive,trust me,you'll never feel the same again.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please let me tell you of why you should NOT to go to war. War is whole different world. It is full of violence and DEATH.
Do you really want to leave your family behind? Do you really want to get badly injured? Do you really want to die? Why would you risk your life for something that isn’t your fault?

If you go to war and fight to your deaths there will be many after affects. For example, your families would be devastated.

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Ladies and gentlemen, How would you like to be forced to fight and kill poor and innocent people? How would you like to go and fight were there is no big reason behind it?
We shouldn’t let our brave and young men go to a place where their human rights are taken away. I believe you shouldn’t join the army. Trust me. The army destroys the soul, 32.3% of the people who join are most likely to suffer with a mental health issue the most common is depression. You might be wondering why  you should believe me, well I have been there. I do not want you to suffer the same miserable,terrible and fearful way I did. Many people join the war and then suffer from a mental illness, knowing this breaks my heart. I’m warning you don’t join the army.

Kendra
WWW:I like how you used a viraity  of persuasive devices and how you wrote it from a soldurs perspective.

EBI: I find it quite hard to follow and I have to read it out loud to get that it is a speach.😛

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Ladies and gentlemen, I shan't lie to you and tell you everything is merry out there in France- in fact, that's the exact opposite. Bloodshed everywhere, that's
what it is. By enlisting in the war, you're signing up for a death trap full of misery and trauma. I've experienced this brutal battle for myself and it's no picnic, everyday you wonder whether it's your last and for most of you, it is. You've seen the posters? They tell you how amazing it is and how it's a great honour to serve the army. Well listen here, is your idea of honour dying by the poisonous gas designed to suffocate you- growing blisters around your lungs until you can no longer breathe?

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Ladies and gentlemen, do you think that going to war is going to benefit you in anyway? , out there  there just using you , like a toy almost , it’s true I’ve experienced it for my self , just the thought of killing innocent people and ruining the rest of there life’s , what if they had kids ? What will happen to that , have YOU ever thought of that, there innocent that have nothing to do with the war wet they are also getting hurt . How cruel is that ? But it’s not like you have the choice , they are forcing you to do it , they are threatening you , punishing you if you don’t listen to them , you are getting brainwashed and you don’t even know . Have you thought about the concecuence?

Feedback:
WWW:
Produced texts that are appropriate
EBI:
Use correct spelling

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Ladies & Gentlemen, I’m here to tell you why you shouldn’t join the army. It’s not what you think, it’s not what you may imagine, It’s not as wonderful as you think it is. I’ve seen the truth and I want to spread it with you. The army may seem positive but it’s not.

Imagine the guilt that’ll stay with you. The innocent lives of innocent people taken away for no logical reason. The poor children wondering where their parents are. The sad lives of mothers who don’t have a job to feed their kids. Hopeless families loosing their loved ones. Why? Why all this pain? Why do we have to fight when we don’t gain anything from it but guilt?

I’ve seen the hopeless children scattered all over the streets, some dead some looking for their family. I’ve tried helping my mates who got shot in their liver or lungs, they die in my arms and give me their letter to send it to their family. Their last words “take care and win this thus I cannot survive” I cry in silence. Why do people have to die?

War also affects your mental health. People who join get traumatized from all the bombshells and blown off bodies. Everything positive becomes negative and all your happiness drains away. People become depressed and don’t care about anything anymore, they just want to die because their minds are abnormal, full of brutality and violence. A normal human being shouldn’t see things like this. Isn’t the world supposed to be peaceful? The despairing soldiers have flashbacks everyday of what they’ve experienced. The suffering troops begging for mercy wanting to go home expecting it to be alright when they join. Fooled by the convincing posters hung up on walls, streets, houses, everywhere. They suffer anxiety and loose self confidence. They also develop mental illnesses like PTSD. All human rights taken away, no respect for you nor your fellow soldiers. It’s all lies, people get brainwashed. All the soldiers are used and manipulated; bullied by your own teams that make you feel dreadful. Why?

There is no end point for war. It’s continuous and harsh. You torture innocent people because you are forced. It’s only destruction not creation. Pointless deaths and no freedom. The war doesn’t end, it will go on and on and never stop. There’s so such thing as “peace” ifthis mess continues; if people deploy and realize they’ve done a huge mistake and have to live their entire life depressing and miserable. My rights have been taken away and I will not allow anyone else’s to be, I will continue to fight for freedom not war. I have experienced this garbage life they call beautiful and I will not allow it to happen to anyone. I’ve been there. I’ve seen it myself and it’s not pleasant. Lead the people to the right path and end all war. Do you want to end the agony?

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Ladies and gentlemen I sha'll not tell you to enlist in the army. Thousands of lives were lost. Families were lost. Children with no fathers.... all this is the result of the war. I've been there, I've seen people shot in the head, limbs blown off, seen there last breath.  My main reason why I tell you not to enlist is the moment you leave England you'll never come back the same as you before. You have to shoot people, see their face before they fall on the floor, dead, never to wake again. This is all traumatizing... I still wake up hearing the screams, bombs and gunshots. So please... I cannot tell everyone in England not to enlist, spread the word. Tell family, friends, neighbors even people you do not particularly like

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Ladies and gentlemen allow me to take to you about why you shouldn't enlist in the army. Do you want to die? Do you want to leave your family behind? You wouldn't want to die and risk your life in something you know will most probably lead to your death. I've went to war last year and I am really disappointed that I did that. I can't believe I am still alive and survived from the terrible war and didn't fortunately die. Do you think going to war is a good experience? Well if you think that then you are absolutely incorrect. War is all about death, terror, disease and  violence. You will leave your house and family behind with barely any food or drink and shelter. Wives aren't responsible of their houses  and are not capable of  taking all the responsibility of the children. There is no endpoint which meant that you will actually die, but I luckily survived.
I hope you won't enlist in the British Army.
GOODBYE

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Ladies and gentlemen,im here to tell you all the terrible reasons why you should not join the army and go to war.All the male go out to war and fight for their country but they do not think about their family at home not getting money,food and even protection because their husbands or fathers are out in war.there is no point of you going to war you will just kill people and they might kill you and there is no end to it.do you want to not see your family?

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Ladies and Gentleman, war. War I tell you, and you know it. It's all around us! But, brave young men don't deserve to put their life on the line just to be defeated over and over again. Please allow me to convey reasons as to why you should NOT enlist in the British Army.
All around us, people are fighting to the death, and, to be truthful, that's all I myself have seen. I've been out there, I can barely bring myself to think of the terror us soldiers have dealt with. Let me tell you this, if you fight with the Army, you are bound, bound I tell you, to either get injured, develop an illness or, worst of all, and what I have seen the most of, DEATH! Ladies, this is especially directed towards you, do you want your sons and husbands going out to war? Something anyone could call mere suicide? What do we get out of it? Tell me...Death? Injured men? No one to provide for their family? What do WE, not the country's political figures, WE get out of this war. I can assume you are all thinking...Nothing. I'd like to mention, over 700,000 soldiers died in WW1, and that's a fact.
Lads, let me mention something you may not have considered, the trenches and their conditions. They're monstrous, appalling and heinous, I tell you! One thing's for sure, just being surrounded by the grimy dirt will be spine-chilling and hair-raising. Not to mention, other than the soldier's surroundings, vile vermin would craw all around them, numbing their very bones. Let me tell you this, if you enlist, which you definitely should NOT, then you'll start doubting your decisions and dreaming to return to your sweet, safe, sound homes.
Now, my final point, but don't think I'm cutting it short. The shell shock! I'll tell you, 90% of the soldiers that come back
develop a nasty case of PTSD, that's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's bound to impact or affect the soldier even just slightly. Whether it be leaving them with a feeling of guilt or anxiety. These traits can progress and even flare up from a past event that occurred. It could be killing or harming another person, fear of having to return to war and I don't want to name the others. Now, I could go on and on about these topics, but I believe you young lads are smart enough to make the safe, correct decision. Ladies, please convince your men, I am counting on you and you only.
Have a good day, I hope my speech has had an effect and impact on you in any way at all. I repeat, and I emphasize this greatly, don't, DON'T, DON'T enlist. You are putting your life on the line and potentially your opponent's! Goodbye

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Ladies and gentlemen, War is a life or death scenario, Most die and few come out with injured bodies. War is not what it may sound like but worse. The dirty trenches and the strict leaders. I myself have experienced war and it is the worst thing you could possibly imagine. With no end and continues fighting who even benifits. Politicians, Media and Generals. They benifit from our death and the thought of killing someone is even worse. You killing them is an unpleasant thought and it could ruin the lives of many families who have lost children or brothers. This is the opposite of humanity and us humans have our rights too. I personally have killed the innocent lives of 3 soliders and I can tell you I am very guilty of my actions. War is a pointless and pathetic thing and whoever enlists will regret. There is no winner, both are losers at the end. Coming out of war isnt the same, its completely diffrent. Your physically, mentally and emotionally too. All I am here for is to tell you no to enlist. Thank you!

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Ladies and gentlemen,
The current situation is a troublesome one, surely, as those around you are clearly adamant on your enlistment in the British Army. Hence, here we are, standing with so many brave, competent men who have not a clue what they’re signing up for.

It’s bloody murder out there, my fellows, bloody murder. I’ve been there. Imagine the chilling, haunting feeling of guilt creeping up your spine as you’re face-to-face with the very fact that you’ve gone and done it. You’ve gone and shot an innocent fellow with a whole life ahead of him.
For what? Because you were forced into, brainwashed into, pushed into thinking these people are your enemies?

However, the actuality is that they are fathers, brothers, husbands, friends and children—not to you, but most certainly to someone else.

If not your enemies, then who benefits out of voluntary violence, my lads? Who? Certainly not you and me. The media’s greed for coverage, political figures’ who yearn for money, the generals—oh my days, they’ll be the death of us all. Such smart, able men like yourselves will surely realize such a thing?

Take it from me lads, the trenches are gruesome. Horrific. The lot of you will be living in a literal rat’s nest for months. The vast expanses of the dreaded no-man’s-land is certainly a case of “fear of the unknown”.

All you’ll be doing is praying, my fellows, praying. Praying that your last moments will be peaceful ones, praying that your family will cope alright without you, praying, begging, in fact, that your child will cope alright without you.

Think of the children, stop right now and think of the children. What would they do without you?

It’s guaranteed bloodshed out there, and for how many years? One, two, three? We don’t know, lads, we don’t know! You’ll be out there hanging on to your last bit of determination, your last bloody bit of sanity, your will to live, for lord-knows how long! Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it!

And if you do survive, (unlikely, but possible) was it worth it? Was all that pain, suffering and mental instability really worth it? Shellshocked, the lot of you will be, dazed! You’ll go mad! Off your rocker! Who wouldn’t after that massacre?

I swore I’d never pick up another one of them army uniforms again, I swore I’d never pull another trigger, I swore to whatever God there is I will never let another innocent life be corrupted.

I’m talking about you, yes you, my lads. Ladies, you may like soldiers, but I can vouch for the fact that you don’t like your husband’s corpses, am I correct? You’ve got so much to live for, why risk so much just because some buffoon had the audacity to come here to Hadelsleigh just to say that “your country needs you”?

Yes, your country needs you, needs you to stay alive.
For Britain, for your dear ones, for your the lives you are forced to take, do not enlist.

Feedback:
WWW: You used many persuasive techniques and developed points well

You did really well.You used a wide range of vocabulary,used correct punctuation, developed points and persuaded me.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to inform you that it is in your best interest to not join, enlist or volunteer to serve the army. Do you know the chances of lifelong injuries or even death? The fact that you are even considering to join clearly states that you are willing to leave your family, work and friends behind, just for a war, which you gain nothing from. I’ve been out there. It’s definitely not what they say it is. Inocent soldiers dying infront of your eyes and that could definitely be you if you join the British Army. You brave, young gentlemen deserve to live an amazing life with an amazing family. You don’t deserve to be fighting a pointless war which is going to end with violence and death. Once you enlist, there’s no way out. You, hypothetically, are fighting a battle with death.

WWW: Good use of exaggeration
EBI: More use of persusive techniques

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War, ladies and gentlemen. Disease. Death. Violence. Is this how you want to see our world? Our people? We tear each other apart; but who wins? What do you get out of it? Nothing. You kill innocent people, and for what? In the end, there is no winner. No celebration. Nothing.

Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to inform you why you should not go to war. Rights. You are forced to hurt innocent people, kill them. And then you’ll know that somebody just lost a husband, son or father because of you. And it’ll come back to haunt you for the rest of your life.  Death. The chances of you even surviving are 2 percent. And if you are lucky enough to survive, life as you know it will never be the same. You will end up with permanent injuries, mental health issues, you’ll be so weak that you will never be able to protect your family again. You’ll just sit there while your wife and children work.

The conditions of war are so horrible, that it’ll traumatize you for life. The trenches are wet, dirty and infested with vermin. You’ll be living in the trash of the people before you. You will never be comfortable there. You’ll be cold and dirty. Fleas will live on you, in your hair and clothes and you’ll forget what it feels like to be warm, clean and dry.

I hope this has convinced you not to enlist. Or at least made you reconsider joining. Or affected you in any way. Thank you.

WWW: You mentioned a lot of point on why they houldnt go to war.                    WWW: It was well structured

EBI: To add more AFORESTFIRE techniques.
EBI: To add ambitious vocabulary.

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Ladies and gentlemen. I have come to say that you shouldn’t sign up. Before you start giving me white feathers hear me out. I can tell you for a fact that if you sign up you may never come back. You would be beiried in an unmarked grave and no one will sing hyms at your funara
. No one will put flowers on your grave. I know I have seen it. I lost my brother and my leg to an explosion. They took my brother away when I was in the hospital. I dident even get to say goodbye. Millions of innocent people are dead for what cause? What reason have they taken there last breath? Whell I say stop this madness before it’s too late. Don’t sign up. For yourself and the world. Thank you

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Ladies and gentlemen, don’t enlist to go to war. If you do, a lot  of things can happen, like you can die. Think about it, if you die who will support your family and take care of them? You might be thinking how do I know all of this, I know this because I am a veteran. I truly know what is going to happen in the war. You are going to be forced to kill innocent people that never did anything to you. You are going to fight for nothing. What happens when a country wins a war? Nothing, nothing will happen except people dying, people who did nothing wrong. Your basically want to kill yourselves if you go there.

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Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Do you really believe going off to war is a great experience? Lots of people thought the same. They went off to war, yet the never came back... they definitely need you but do they deserve us. People go off to war and either die or come back as a completely different person. They will punish the innocent. They are cruel. They are careless. Peace? None of it. It’s a big risk. Why lose your family for other people when they won’t do the same? You want to kill? You will feel pain everywhere. It’s awful. Painful. Worry will overtake your body. Soldiers feel attacked. The hospitals are filled with dying and sick people. The war holds diseases and sicknesses that will only want you to die. Painful. Do you want to lose someone you love? How would you feel killing people? Would you be able to live with yourself? The war isn’t a fun place where soldiers train with joy and sit around joking. Not even close. I’ve seen the war. Darkness. Sadness. Defeat. This is completely unacceptable. You shouldn’t be forced to go. Not even convinced to go. The war is nothing better than depression. Hope you understand and help your family and stay. Thank you.

Feedback
EBI : to use only one point and expand it
Select more advanced vocabulary

WWW:you have used a variety of techniques
Great use of punctuation

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Ladies and gentlemen I have come here to tell that this idea is not a good one enlisting is like signing your death warrant I’m telling you this because I have gone through this hassle and the past few days has been absolute chaos for me I almost went into a phase where I almost lost it because not seeing my family for a long time was hard they kept sending me letter after letter which is not good in war
It makes you feel more depressed and angry what would you like to see your family nice and healthy ?or on the streets begging for food? Even if you did survive the war you would most likely be scarred for life you would be shell shocked
Would you like that  ? Would you? Would you? Every second of the day living like you own the world but nothing ever happens no one wins no one will ever win you gain nothing. Killing everyone who comes in your path destroying homes  killing childeren killing families and what happens in the end nothing. So please don’t enlist wars may cause the fall of humanity killing everyone and everything on  it.

WWW: Good use of Rhetorical Questions to persuade the reader. Try not to drag the paragraph on and on.
EBI: Use of punctuation must be accurate. This is only paragraph 1, so don’t end the speech
PA: Eesha