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Not to quote the other Fantasía but the trust is I’m still in love with me and even though two years ago really seems like life times away I still have a connection to that scared little girl trapped in an adult body. I don’t see myself as old just as legal age to complain about my back and smoke weed.

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I don’t wanna be here.
I don’t wanna try
I don’t wanna be alive
When will I get better?
Why do I have to fall into these times?
Help me get up
Help me save me
Only I can make me a better person
If nobody can help me
I’m going to die
I can’t do this
I give up
I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough.

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I’m not as strong as I should be. Why do I feel like I need to be penetrated to be loved? Not even just that but an actual relationship. I don’t wanna f buddy I don’t want someone who doesn’t wanna talk to me or get to know me. I want someone who truly cares and loves me but am I selfish because I don’t want that someone to be her?

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The death of my heart and soul
I’ve been fired from my dream job and I don’t even know why? I’m done trying in Vegas going to try in a new land where I can’t depend on anyone but myself to get through this struggle. Leaving with practically the clothes on my back. Trying to sell everything else but for some reason people are being unreasonable.
There’s no real murder to worry about but I do think this will be the end of me and hopefully the start of someone new but most likely the next time I lose a job i will die. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Good night

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I haven’t posted anything about wanting to kill myself. Sounds good right? Well I’m not living with Shantil and my cousin Jammie and his girl moved in but I’m living with Rubi. I almost killed Adien by feeding him fish and I was hella depressed but he’s okay and doing better than me. I’m still struggling with school and I am socially awkward work is good, I just have to make it through the year and hopefully Pat’s return to the unit is better than bad. I do think I’ll be floating a lot to G for awhile but I’m okay with that. It means I get to spend more time with my new crush the one I go against all my polices for. Denise Jones. You’re such a great person and I love your existence. I like you more and I want to know everything about you however, ya like I said I know it’s going to be bad if I go there. I wish I can turn off my feelings as well as they shut down on me. Anyway that’s my update thanks for holding my secrets.

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There’s always two sides to every story and I just wanted a place to share mine.

We met last year at a temporary job. I thought she was a hustler like me working hard to make money and make something of herself. We went out a few times and she showered me with random gifts. However, before conventention season ended I got a real job. I waited for her to with no luck. Instead the gifts stopped coming, and I had to pay for a lot of our adventures. We were supposed to be a team so I didn’t mind picking up the slack but I had to push harder for her to get a job. Not only that but she was constantly in communication with her ex doing favors for her giving her money and giving us both the impression that she wasn’t serious about me. Some how she was still able to flip things around and make it seem like I was still in love with my ex and every other person that wasn’t her. I would get in trouble for smiling at another person even when I’m at work!
I broke up with her then and she made a threat about knowing where my family sleeps. I was always scared she would show up but instead gifts and fruit baskets would show up instead. She would always ask me for help and swear I’m the only person she has out in Las Vegas and would guilt me into helping her. The type of “monster” she portrays me do be would still help her even though I knew it was a lie. She would beg me to take her back and would always say how much she loved me and honestly I do blame myself too because she was good at making me feel like she’s the only person who loves me and I’ll never be loved again. For so long I believed that so I would go back trying to make things work. The last time we got back together was when I came home from New York. She was the only person who ever made me feel like I was important and so I told myself I was going to just make it work and not break up over every little thing. I didn’t realize then either her abusive habits. It’s after she moved in due to the fact she couldn’t afford her own rent anymore that I started to realize I’m not in love but I just feel obligated to her. I’ve tried to explain this and asked her to remove herself from my life but instead she would rather continue to argue than just leaving things as is. That’s when our arguements got louder and more physical. My mother who was tired of both of us pretty much wanted us out yesterday so we rushed into an apartment that wasn’t up to her standards so we had to rush into another apartment which again wasn’t up to her standards but we ended up waiting three weeks before moving for the last time. Within those three weeks we have lived in separate bedrooms but she continues to sleep in my room, use my things, and take my vehicle without asking and so when I’m mad at her for this she doesn’t apologize she gets mad at me for being selfish. None of her actions have consequences and my threats seem to be hallow to her so when I told her I was not allowing her to move with me she assumed it was just another hallow threat. She allowed me to move all my belongings (the whole house) without her help and then decided to storm in with her two little trash bags full of belongings after all the hard work was done. I wasn’t happy I held my ground but unfortunately due to legal issues I’m not able to actually kick her out unless she agrees. Two days of constant arguing she won’t move but will not take my name off the lease either I feel trapped. I don’t know how to escape I’ve felt like the only way out is suicide. Which is a common feeling since I can remember but more more so present in my mine since I’ve met her. I’ve bought bleach and ammonia today but maybe God does exist because all I could think about was my baby sisters birthday party and her parents not allowing her to go if I died. She is my angel and doesn’t even know it. I’m still unhappy and stuck in this living situation. I’ve told her I was going to just move out and she’s decided that she’s going to “move out of state” whenever she gets the money. Idk how long that’s supposed to be but no I refuse to be nice to a person who has made me feel like giving up on life. Which is another form of abuse. I write this because  I’ve reached out to my mom for help her response was “oh.” & my father is on her side because he thinks I should be nice when I ask her to move out. Even though I’ve told him that hasn’t worked in the past. And my best friend doesn’t know how to help but has her own stuff going on to be worried about me.

I’m reaching out for help. Not go fund me but actual help. A support group or free counseling I’m not strong enough to do this alone anymore.

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The worst part of the story is I’m still alive to tell it. Gotta get dressed for Iqra but I don’t need to buy locks if ima kill myself. I want to die I’m ready it’s my turn to be selfish.

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You are amazing for talking me off the ledge tonight. I will be back on it tomorrow.

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Here I am sitting at Rapid Cash waiting for the devil to provide me with whatever money I can get for baby sister and I’m sure trying to not make eye contact with the gross person I can’t help but be friendly to. Even with my life hanging on by minutes I’m still friendly to those who push me towards this decision.

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I must be a crappy friend. I can’t explaim how badly I needed a friend tonight. Lanie Alexz you both failed me only one there is Iqra and she missed the threatening phone calls. I wish I could die right here in this house so she can realize I rather die than me with her.

I wanna die but how do I throw my sister a birthday party and not a funeral?

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Today I told you I hated you and I think it was the last straw for the both of us. Are we over? I posted all my money worthy possessions on offer up. I hope you see it and get more upset. Why do I want you to be so pissed? Maybe because I’m in so much pain personally. From you from family from friends all over I hurt. Why couldn’t you be the one I needed? Oh well I hope you find the person that helps you with your demons.

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Isn’t for me. The sooner I realize that my relationships are all one sided the happier I’ll be.

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That I came on Padlet and friends and family were all commenting on my stuff and they were reading my inner darkest thoughts and the words was on the page. I was scared I didn’t even read it. I don’t know if it was a dream or something but I swear it felt like a wave of naseous ready to explode.

Today I slept in my car I haven’t been home and really slept since Monday and I am dizzy and tired I overslept I’m yelling on the phone I have no food. Today is not a good day. I have three hours between this and the next shift. Should I go home or should I go home in the am? I’m thinking am because there’s more time but I hate going out my way. I wanna throw up.

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How do I admit and talk about the bad experience I’m currently going throught without complaining to all those I love? I shoulda made them in the oven but oh well. I’m tired of living with a stranger.

Tryna get things together doesn’t seem to be my MO though instead I’ll continue to lay in bed on the verge of tears.

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I’ve always felt so alone in life why would a relationship be any different? Shantil it’s not your fault but you fail to see that I’m hurting.

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Okay so this last week I’ve been threatened for my job and the most crap they take time off my pay check and now this I’m not getting my check!!!!!!! Wtf is an understandment! It’s like they are purposely carefully looking for ways to screw me over and I’m royally sick don’t change my text. I’m frustrated waited at the gas station for an hour with no gas no shoes looking like a loser and a hobo because I can’t even go inside and afford a slushee. I’m tired of battling with the job why does this company hate me? Why is hate such a universal concept for me? Help. ):

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Six months that’s all I need.

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Shantil! You drive me crazy why can’t our conversations be easier? I’m not saying you have to agree with everything but why can’t we just get along better? How do you expect me to be happy continually arguing? I bet if I was to tell you this you’re going to argue about how it’s not even your fault we are arguing all the time. I don’t think it’s all your fault I think that it takes two but gosh why can’t we seem to work things out ? I feel like being with you helps me push myself towards suicide and when we are apart I might have a chance at finding happiness or death sooner idk but I just can’t seem to understand why we’re wasting our time here.

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I don’t know what I’m doing Shantil I love you but I don’t feel like you putting everything on me is something I can handle. I can barely handle my own happiness let alone yours too.

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Happy birthday dude. You’re my genuineness bestest friend of them all. No matter which crazy road I went down there you were no question in the passenger seat ready to ride figurative and literal. I will miss you most and I wish you take your time until we meet again but yoooo if I can haunt you, best believe I’ll be there messing with you. Lifting candles and creepy ish yup best believe that’s me. If something stops you from hoeing best believe that’s me. If you are nervous on your drivers test and all sudden someone else takes the wheel best believe that’s me. Cuz you ain’t cheating you ain’t trying. Thanks for all the many adventures you took me on (I know I drove but) life is always an adventure with you around. From our trips to Ross to San Francisco and even Denver hope we get to go there one day. I love you and can’t wait to go home from NY to spend the rest of my time with you. Your bloodline is important but the friends you make that become family are the most significant. I couldn’t do it without you dude any of my break ups with Chyann the she demon to Shantil the dude hoe and whatever other sloppy sillies I date. I will never forgive myself for hurting you and I’m sorry again but just know without a doubt I loved you. I can’t love you in a homo way but I love you more than any of the other homos combined thanks for being my rock dude.

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Dude it’s your birthday in New York City!!! Next year we have to spend New Years at the ball drop. (: that would be so fun! Worth almost every penny.

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All of my money

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When I die I want you to have my car.

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I hate life

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This background makes me want cupcakes. Going to look up healthy cupcakes recipes online.

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Do you think some of us are born with depression? Or do you think it’s just something that progresses over time? Maybe it can happen after a traumatic or life changing event but for the most part I can’t remember a life without planning my death. I reach out for help and I never feel validated but is that something anyone would ever validate? It’s not a parking pass. I just don’t seem to understand how depression can go away. Is it enough to live for a few good moments? Cuz I can smile for the camera well i don’t know maybe I make my life miserable for myself. But it’s not right for me to make it miserable for others as well.

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I miss my cupcake, not that she was ever mine, but I was forever loyal to being her brownie bite. I hate that I still miss her and I miss Shantil too but nowhere are much as I miss a relationship that mostly existed in my head.

I'm working at a psychiatry office now and security with Triton at night. They both pay crap pay and are funny about not wanting to get their stuff in order but they both hired me and I can spend time doing homework and being on my computer most of my shifts between the two places. I really like not having to work hard, or stand for long hours. I hope to keep it going here until I graduate but I'm burnt out and cranky it's only been five days why cant I do this? I'm pretty sure it's me. Everything is always me, my negative attitude and my hurtful ways are no way to treat the people that I love and care most about.

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Yesterday was Christmas and I"m so glad to finally be done with the holiday, just have to get past New Years and we'll all be celebrating tax returns haha Americans for you. I wish all the time that I was South Korean or from somewhere else cool and exciting but I will get over it.I have no choice.
Anyway Christmas isn't supposed to be about the spirit of receiving gifts and who's was better than who's but all I got was a $20 gift card to Hot Topic. I wanna cry about how the world hates me but lets be honest, the world doesn't even care to hear my tears. That's why I have you Padlet. Thank you. I also worked last night and I'm recently sick so I still have all the crap that comes with it. I wish for some soup and I have all this food in the house. I really really want panera bread soup though. Anyway i got my cupcakes because you've convinced me that that's what I want. Thanks a lot! Not as satisfied.
I'm still depressed but I don't want to be because it's hard to live so down. I want to be happy again soon. I want to figure out what causes that happiness. I don't know if it's religion or people or service I just want to find what's going to make me happy for the year I have left to struggle through life. Also, why am I going to school with the intentions of dying? Waste of time much? Yes but they give me money so idk??? That's enough instead of adult stuff Ima watch netflix now.

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My grandma is an interesting lady she talks and talks and talks and asks a million questions but does she really listen? I don't like talking to them because it's hard to understand and she has a hard time understanding me. but hashtag family whatchu ganna do about it?

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And it feels so good... Yeah that was a lie. My relationship was toxic and yet I still miss it. What's wrong with me? Why can't I even have feelings correctly?

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Every day I create a new plan. They are always different plans but lately my two favorite plans to create is what I'ma do with my money and then die or who i'ma give my money to when I die. I don't like my family lately they are just always trying to give my seat or voice away to someone else and it doesn't seem like I'm ever wanted so why stick around? I'm going to hopefully find an apartment. I rather it not be out here but I need to continue to work. Maybe I should stay in this house until i get fired from my job or just move on good terms and hope that things change in a new environment. It's like everyone is always changing their minds and I make rash decisions on my own. I"m going to look for a one bedroom or studio out here so I can be alone and hopefully with a shorter lease life. but then again if I die what does the landlord care? There's nobody else they can pile my crap onto.

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I don't want to be here i don't want to continue this roller coaster. I want to die and not be bothered or move on to something else. I can't even talk to people I"m so messed up. I don't like that I have such a bad attitude and try to take it out on the wrong people so they can comfort me because we all know that's never how it happens

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Don't know how to use padlet yet but I think i'm going to like being on here. Today I want to talk about my plans for the next few years.

Within two or three years I would like to be dead.

Wasn't expecting that? Or maybe you were maybe this is the place to go to vent all of your suicidal frustration. Yep but you heard it here first I want to die.

I have plans and goals I have a bucket list, I'm not going to go all Hannah Baker on people and make a series long explanation on why everyone hurt me and I decided to give up on the world. I just wanted to say that there are beautiful people and beautiful things to see. I just don't feel like I'm a child that God wants here on the earth. Or I keep getting looked over because my being here was somehow a mistake since the moment I was conceived till now there's been so many ploys to take me out of this earth and somehow I'm the goof that got by so God doesn't have a plan for me. I don't know I'll vent more later. I guess I should spend some of the time while I'm here doing homework. Sounds ironic doesn't it? Why am I in school when I don't plan on going anywhere with my education? Good question more to come later.

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Sexuality has been a very open subject for me growing up. I've been sexually active in many ways. Straight, gay, and even three ways. Sex has always been the normal topic at the dinner table. Not literally but my parents haven't been shy, making jokes on their own sexual experiences and telling us honestly where babies come from and how they come about. Sexuality is portrayed in movies, music, and art. How can we honestly hide it from our children? I'm thankful to have such open parents but as a new member practicing The Law of Chasity it's a different outlook on my body and respecting it. Even though I do miss giving into the temptations of sex I do like the thought of being able to share my body with the one person I'm going to share my life with some day. Our body is the most special thing we can give to a person. After you've given that you have nothing else for them to take. Including your pride.