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After 2 years, seems they changed in some ways.

My parents stop intervene my life, and start to know how to be not condescending.

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37. I feel lonely in Canada at first, but it's becoming better!

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37. I feel lonely in Canada at first, but it's becoming better!

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Just like the author's family, to live and assimilate into Canada is not easy.

I feel very isolated at first, but then I start to making friends, and advance toward my goal.

And I found whatever life becomes, it is better than it used to be. So always hold hopes!

Maybe every immigrant is similar in some ways.

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36. Time flies, 2 years has been passed since I came to Canada

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36. Time flies, 2 years has been passed since I came to Canada

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When I was only 7 years old, a girl from my class ask if my good friend(a boy) dances well, I said cool.

My mother insist to censor my chat history, and think I am wasting time, shameless. (although it was just a normal chat..)

From that time, I actually stop sharing anything. And I had to deal with bad things on my own rather than tell them. And that gives me a lot of troubles.

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Most of the time, I am thinking about:

1. make money

2. get PR in whether Canada or USA

3. get the job. (which is 1)

Because I need to pay back my parents.

Because I don't want to be independent more than anyone. I don't feel I have family. I cannot share anything or ask for any help.

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33. As the parents of author, I am here to make my own way.

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33. As the parents of author, I am here to make my own way.

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24.2 Yeah, the past environment shaped them

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24.2 Yeah, the past environment shaped them

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I guess this is what author said the demons.

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32. And I learnt so much physics in my first year

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32. And I learnt so much physics in my first year

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Our universe is so delicate and beautiful.

Although for realistic reason I still chose computer science major, I finished half of a physics degree core courses with full A+! And my physics course professors think I have "very rich mathematical disciplines beyond peers)

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I always loved physics since I am a child.

I love to watch the stars, and know how galaxy organize and how matter is formed (which are what General Relativity and Quantum Field Theory/standard model studied)

My parents forbid me to study physics for high school Olympiad because they think computer science can make more money.

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They agreed to lend me money for study aboard.

I finally left. And for the first time in life, I feel so relieved.

Like the first time ever I can control my life, my time, and chase my dream.

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29. All I want is to escape the harsh reality

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29. All I want is to escape the harsh reality

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So I go aboard. For this I had half year fight with my parents who don't want me leave.

But I cannot receive more pressure and negativeness from them anymore

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Department of Education announced the cancellation of admission policy for science talented programs.

This is devastating given the mechanism of education works in China. Many talented students devoted most of time into their specialization and this put them(us) in extreme disadvantage situation.

Some of the most talented students I know jump out of building and die. And I am so disappointed so I decide to leave

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From 6 am to 10 pm, we stay in Computing Facility to study and solve problems. Aim for the Informatics Olympiad.

(As for the Olympiad result, I did get first tier grade but I didn't get into the top 10 participants to go to final. Because I feel so much pressure from my parents)

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I get into the best high school by a gifted program in Science subjects. My assigned group is informatics.

From now I start extremely exhausting study and training in algorithms design.

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So I ran to the park and sleep there.

After about 1 day I am found.

But my dream is never come back

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24. kick out in new year's eve for exam grade

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24. kick out in new year's eve for exam grade

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My grades overall isn't bad at all.

But they are just furious about my math got 78.(The only time during my first 9 years education below 95.)

what add insult to injury is, my neighbor saw it when they coming back.

I feel more and more foreign about home.

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He can beat me for any small things.

Even I got 80 for an exam.

Or just I forgot to bring the textbook

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They will keep fighting everyday, threaten to divorce.

And I always stay in the room doing homework, scared of it.

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After I am born. My father still keep hanging out with his friends, drinking a lot of beers.

While my mother watching out for me, sometimes my grandma.

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Look like they are still immature kids

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As a bind girl in love, my mom married to my father despite the opposition.

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1990s

USSR is gone.

And China focus on economy construction.

The free love is popular now just like western countries.

And it is pure at their era, so my mother does not think my father is poor( admirable!)

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Finally, Mao is dead. And the miserable can be ended.

The communist party now allows market.

My mother is just around 3 years old when this start.

Life finally became better.

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14. My mother's parents are sent to rural area

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14. My mother's parents are sent to rural area

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Sleep in cow's living place.

And sometimes need to be "public criticized and parade criticize"

Only because they are educated people

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After the huge famine disaster, it is still not over.

Chairman Mao want to establish his absolute authority.

So he let young people(many are underage) carry guns to kill the people that are not "loyal" enough. It could be just not hang a Mao's portrait in home!

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Communist party decide to collect food from people to pay USSR debt after two countries relationship worsened.

Half of the population died, that is what my mother's parents experienced.

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23.1 Marriage Trap. I wonder if my mother is same.

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23.1 Marriage Trap. I wonder if my mother is same.

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Apparently author's mom regret step into marriage and stop pursuing her dream

Sometimes I wonder if my mom regret too. After all those troubles in marriage.

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My mother's parents are teachers.

And my mother has a better childhood than my father.

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10. So this makes it unbelievable that my mother chose him

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10. So this makes it unbelievable that my mother chose him

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Always save all the money and spend the least.

And always bet safe rather than try to venture and earn more.

Sometimes I still feel pity that he choose computer science at that time, which is extremely rare and could create a billion dollar company easily...

Now I understand, he want safety, always prioritize survive.

And same as me.

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8. He is grumpy, I guess that is from his childhood trauma of violence

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8. He is grumpy, I guess that is from his childhood trauma of violence

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He is always angry for little things. Even after a decade he has a kid he is still the same.

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7. He changed his fate, going to the city for university

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7. He changed his fate, going to the city for university

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At that time, a university degree is very valuable.

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6. He study late every day so he can go to the university and change his fate

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6. He study late every day so he can go to the university and change his fate

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The only way to change general people's fate is to get high score in standard exams and go to university.

Even nowadays.

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Fast forward to 1980s. ( the missing years will be shown in my mother's family timeline!)

He sometimes get beaten too.

Maybe not doing chores, maybe the grade is not good enough.

In China rural culture, beating kid is seen as the most effective way to push kid to become better

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Children in rural area need to do a lot of chores for the family.

For example, feed the pigs

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3. My grandpa and my father live in poverty

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3. My grandpa and my father live in poverty

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My father's grandpa land is seized.

From that time, my grandpa live in poverty.

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Communist China government took control in 1949.

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My father's grandpa is landlord. And that plant the seed of tragedy later.

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13.0 The "absolute loyalty" required by autocracy

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13.0 The "absolute loyalty" required by autocracy

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Matching exact the same situation for my grandparents 1960~1970 in China(the cultural revolution), where the date of the original book picture in Viet Nam is 1975 ~ 1980 ( they copied the bad policy after land reform, again!)

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From 1954 to 1975, Viet Nam has a similar land reform program: kill and torture landlords and seize their land and assets.

Author's father's grandpa also lost all the land, and luckily enough not present and leave some money with him and author's father.

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39. Intergeneration trauma could end here

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39. Intergeneration trauma could end here

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The trauma is hard to forget, and the family relationship cannot be fixed to perfect.

But we still can learn to reconciliate with ourselves and move forward. Also learnt to assimilate to the new environment.

Hope the multi-generation trauma end here!

May every kid grow up free and strong.

I can't choose my own birth, but I can choose whether or not to have a child.

We can choose unanimously if we discontinue the vicious cycle of a autocracy.

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40. Let intergenerational trauma end here

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40. Let intergenerational trauma end here

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The author learnt from her parents mistake and decide not to let their kids have similar experience, which is wonderful.

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As if doing anything other than study hard is unorthodox, horrible , unfilial.

So Asian countries top the teenager depression rate.

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26. Author's parents think kid will forget what they suffer in childhood.

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26. Author's parents think kid will forget what they suffer in childhood.

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This picture is from textbook about author's mother try to suicide in author's childhood.

So I guess I understood why author is angry and scared when she is young.

Perhaps I understood it even more.

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24.1 Parent telling each other bad words 

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24.1 Parent telling each other bad words 

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This also give child very bad feeling.

Adults should learn to solve their own problems outside of their kids.

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0. The Best We Could Do: reconciliate with past

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0. The Best We Could Do: reconciliate with past

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"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." --F. Scott Fitzgerald