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“He was patient and gentle. He balanced me out in the way my mother did my father, who like me was always in a rush, quick to give up on any task at the first sign of failure and delegate it to someone else. What my mother meant was that she liked that Peter proved early on that he was a stand-up guy,” (Ch 4, Pg. 45).

Michelle’s relationship with Peter was and still is special. He wasn't just another guy she dated; he was the first one her mom actually approved of. But it wasn't just about her approval, Peter brought something important into Michelle's life.

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Moving to a far-out new town left Michelle with very limited activities. There was no one close by to play with and no nearby parks to hang out at. As Michelle quoted, “I was stranded and lonely, an only child with no one to talk to or turn to but my mother,” (Chapter 2. pg.16).

It was an environment where Michelle was glued to her Mom, either hearing her relentless scolding or high praise. Though it was exhausting to constantly be with her mother, it was the only way to stay entertained in her neighbourhood. So she played the part of the perfect daughter. Wanting mom’s full attention she’d cling onto her wherever she went, making sure she exceeded expectations. When her parents would leave the house, she’d do the best job when it came to cleaning, acting as if it was some sort of ritual for them to come back and not abandon her. As a child Michelle wanted to be tied to the hip with her mother, never wanting to be left out of her parents’ plans.

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“My mother was always trying to shape me into the most perfect version of myself. When I was an infant, she pinched my nose because she was worried it was too flat. In my elementary years, she feared I was too short, so every morning before school she’d instruct me to hold the bars of my headboard and pull my legs in an effort to stretch them out” (Chapter 2 page 18).

As early as an infant, Michelle was already being pushed to fit into these set beauty standards that her Mom, and what seemed like the majority of Korea, believed in. We get to know how her Mom would give in and buy specific products for all sorts of skin concerns. Then she’d religiously follow a 10-step skincare routine like she would die if she didn’t. As if it was a shameful sin for a Korean woman to show wrinkles and look her age. I think skincare is important for everyone, but I can barely do my 4-step routine! Seeing this as a young girl, Michelle aspired to obtain that beauty that her Mom had, stating “I wanted to grow up to look just like my mother, with perfect, smooth skin, and three or four sporadic leg hairs I could just pluck out with a tweezer,” (Ch 3 Pg 32).

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“Food was how my mother expressed her love. No matter how critical or cruel she could seem - constantly pushing me to meet her intractable expectations - I could always feel her affection radiating from the lunches she packed and the meals she prepared for me just the way I liked them,” (Ch 1 pg.4)

It’s clear to see the central role food plays in Michelle’s upbringing, serving as an anchor for familial affection and bonding. Despite her mother's strictness and high expectations, Michelle recognizes the depth of her mother's affection through the meals she prepares with meticulous care. Michelle’s mom might not be able to express her love the way she wants to through words, so she makes up for it with her acts of service. It’s a sentiment that I’ve experienced from my parents as well, as they say, “An action speaks a thousand words.” Her mother’s behaviours demonstrate to Michelle that love can be expressed in various forms, even through challenges or criticisms.

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“Every time my mother spoke Korean, the text sprawled out before me like a Mad Lib. Words that were so familiar mixed with long blanks I couldn't fill in. I knew she was ordering jamppong with extra vegetables, because I knew those words and because she always ordered the same thing,” (Ch 5, pg. 60).

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MICHELLE ZAUNER - WHAT FACTORS SHAPE OUR BELIEFS AND VALUES?

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MICHELLE ZAUNER - WHAT FACTORS SHAPE OUR BELIEFS AND VALUES?

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“Hers was tougher than tough love. It was brutal, industrial-strength. A sinewy love that never gave away to an inch of weakness. It was a love that saw what was best for you ten steps ahead, and didn’t care if it hurt like hell in the meantime. When I got hurt, she felt it so deeply, it was as though it were her own affliction. She was guilty of caring too much. I realize this now, only in retrospect. No one in this world would ever love me as much as my mother, and she would never let me forget it,” (Ch 2, pg.17/18).

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From the very beginning, we see how Michelle's mom, Chongmi, influences Michelle’s worldview and sense of self. From the tender moments to the tough upbringing, their story resonates with the complexities of maternal love. The main thing about their relationship is how firm her mom's love is. She's not the kind of mom who showers you with hugs and kisses. Instead, she's all about pushing Michelle to be her best self, even if it means being brutally honest. As if she's saying, "I love you, but I'm not going to sugarcoat things for you." Even in situations where Michelle gets hurt, her mom's not there to coddle her. Instead, she's there to make sure Michelle learns from it. That's a big part of her mom's parenting style, she's more about teaching lessons than offering comfort. It teaches Michelle to be independent and learn from her mistakes rather than to go to her mom for help, as Chongmi might not always be there. "Save your tears for when your mother dies,” her mom would say. It's harsh, but it shows how her mom believes in resilience and strength. She wants Michelle to be tough, to be able to handle whatever life throws at her. As a mom, Chongmi sees the world differently, and she wants Michelle to be ready for it.

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Regardless of her tough exterior, Michelle's mom loves her deeply. She shows it through many subtle ways that just can’t be translated into words, as words don’t fully express how much she truly cares for Michelle. Michelle's relationship with her mom is similar to a sturdy oak tree. Like the tree's strong trunk and branches, their bond provided stability and support throughout Michelle's life. However, like leaves rustling in the wind, their relationship encountered moments of turbulence and uncertainty. Despite these challenges, their connection remained deeply rooted, offering shelter and strength in times of need. Overall, Michelle's relationship with her mom shapes her values and beliefs in countless ways. It teaches her the importance of resilience and learning from hardships. But above all, it shows her the power of unconditional love and the importance of family. Their story is a reminder of how much a mother’s love can impact us.

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During the toughest times, like when Michelle first found out about her mom having cancer, Peter was her rock. He didn't hesitate to drop everything and rush to her side, even if it meant leaving work in a snap and driving all the way up to New York. That kind of dedication showed Michelle what true support looked like. Yet, it wasn't only just about being there physically. Peter showed genuine interest in Michelle's background. He dove into her culture, eagerly trying the foods she and her Mom recommended and embracing the indulgence of meals as her family did. Also, let's not forget about the Korean spa visit—imagine meeting your girlfriend's dad in such a vulnerable situation, it takes guts. Their strong relationship taught Michelle some valuable lessons. Through Peter, she learned the importance of empathy, acceptance, and commitment. He showed her what it means to stand by someone through thick and thin, to embrace their heritage, and to truly understand and support them. Their bond demonstrated that relationships are more than just fun and games, they're about being there for each other, no matter what life throws your way.

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This talk continues in the next chapter where we get small glimpses into what Korean society thinks are the yeses and nos of the beauty world. They prioritize features such as fair skin, a slim figure, and specific facial features like double eyelids. During her time in Korea, Michelle received praise for having a small face, which is highly valued in Korean culture and considered a beauty standard. This positive reinforcement from others left an impression on her, as it contrasted with her experiences in America where she felt insecure about her appearance. But I believe this also made her more exposed and aware of her features. Before this, she didn’t even realize that she had double eye-lids and that her mom didn’t, it was just smooth flat skin.

These experiences display how cultural standards of beauty can influence someone’s self-perception. When individuals align with these standards, they may feel validated and confident. However, if they don’t fit these ideals, they may experience feelings of inferiority or a desire to conform. In Michelle’s case, it’s a bit more conflicting as she’s half Korean and half white. When it comes to the beauty standard, how she feels about her appearance can come down to which perspective she’s looking through.

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Growing up, Michelle struggled with her mom's language, Korean. She couldn't string together proper sentences or even translate things right. But whenever she wandered into H-Mart, this Korean supermarket, a recollection filled with nostalgic snacks and specific ingredients, something clicked. Even though she wasn't fluent, in H-Mart, it felt like she was. She'd stroll around, saying the names of foods like chamoe melon or danmuji, and it felt like she belonged. But her connection with Korean wasn't just about speaking it. It went deeper. Like when she heard her mom ordering food in Korean, even though she couldn't understand everything, she still got it. It was like a puzzle with missing pieces, but some parts were clear. She knew her mom was getting jamppong with extra veggies because she recognized those familiar words as her mom always ordered the same thing. This unique bond with her mom's language didn't just affect how she spoke, it taught her that communication goes beyond words. Even though she couldn't fully express herself in Korean, the language still reached her heart. It showed the significance of culture and family in shaping who we are. That lesson stuck with her, showing her the beauty of connection and the power of understanding, even when the words aren't perfect.

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“My childhood was rich with flavour - blood sausage, fish intestines, caviar. They loved good food, to make it, to seek it, to share it, and I was an honorary guest at their table,” (Ch 2, pg. 21).

Regardless of her mother's strictness in other aspects of life, when it comes to food, she follows a more relaxed approach, never imposing strict rules about finishing plates or forcing Michelle to consume foods she dislikes. Instead, her mother introduces to Michelle the belief that food should be savoured and enjoyed, and to not overeat simply to avoid waste. This aspect of Michelle's upbringing reinforces her values surrounding love through food in several ways. It strengthens the idea that food is not just nourishment, but also a source of pleasure and comfort. By allowing Michelle the freedom to enjoy her meals without pressure, her mother communicates a message of acceptance and indulgence, supporting the idea that food can be a channel for love and care.

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Furthermore, the reason why her Mom might be so passionate about teaching Michelle the bliss of enjoying food is to make up for not having access to the privileges and knowledge for high-end hobbies. Neither Chongmi nor her husband had a college degree, they didn’t have the resources to expose Michelle to activities that would give her the upper leg in society’s culture. With what they lack, they make up for by teaching Michelle what they’ve seen from the world. Guiding her on how to properly indulge and feast on certain foods, such as breaking down a full lobster with bare hands or what sauces to mix to make the dish taste even better. I feel that my parents were the same, using food as a way to expose me to the world and to my culture. Showing me from a young age that “true” Filipinos aren’t afraid to eat with their hands and get dirty, as that’s how they would eat in the Philippines.

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Michelle learns the value of tradition and heritage through her family's expertise in eating delicacies. It generates a deep appreciation for her family's experiences and traditions, creating a sense of belonging when they share this knowledge with her. Additionally, Michelle develops a strong sense of resilience and resourcefulness from her upbringing. Raised in an environment where her parents had to make do with limited means, Michelle learns to find joy and fulfillment in simple yet meaningful experiences, such as sharing meals together as a family. This adds to the belief that happiness can be found in the moments spent with loved ones, rather than in material possessions or external achievements.

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Michelle’s song dedicated to her and Peter’s relationship.

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Song dedicated to her Mom after she passed away. It was an outlet for Michelle to show her rawness and vulnerability of her Mother’s passing. The woman on the left of the album cover is actually her Mom when she was younger.

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I can relate to Michelle's journey with her mother's language. Just like how Michelle struggled with Korean, I've faced similar challenges with my mother tongue, Tagalog. While Michelle found a connection between Korean markets and food, I discovered a similar feeling when surrounded by Filipino music. Whenever my parents would play the same Tagalog songs in the car, the lyrics came naturally to me. They’d roll off the tongue and make me sound like I’ve been living in the Philippines for my whole life. Speaking Tagalog is something I’ve always felt a bit insecure about, especially when I know friends who are way better at pronunciation and grammar. I’ve always been able to moderately translate and understand what people are saying in Tagalog, but I could never form a proper sentence. In the past, I would rather avoid situations like talking in Tagalog, but in recent years I’ve grown to not be embarrassed of saying badly formed Tagalog. How else could I learn if not by failing and trying again? So whenever there’s a moment to practice my Tagalog at home, I take it. I say my stiff Tagalog with gaps of hesitation as I concentrate on making sure I use the right grammar. My parents are patient (surprisingly), letting me find my rhythm and correcting me when they can. Still not the best at it, but it’s better than before and that’s one step closer to my goal.

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I believe my Mom sees the world the same way as Chongmi. A world where she knows her daughter needs to be ready or else she won’t be able to make it on her own. So my mother pushes me to learn all these life skills, but she never seems to know when to stop, to take a breather. Every time I’d mention that things are getting stressful for me, instead of comfort I was met with the same talk of “Well when I was your age, I was doing all this and more! It’s tougher in the Philippines so be grateful.” I’ve always known that this is her way of caring for me, that just like Chongmi, she wanted me to be strong for her.

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I remember when I was younger and before my siblings entered the frame, I acted quite similar to Michelle. I had no nearby cousins and in general, I wasn’t a big fan of playing with other kids. So, all I had to rely on for entertainment were my parents, switching back and forth between whoever had the time to be with me. I'd play the same part as Michelle, the perfect daughter. Making sure I did well in class even though I was young, cleaning my room perfectly, and offering my help without even asking just so I could hear some praise from my parents. They worked a lot to make ends meet at the time, so to make sure I made their lives easier and so I wouldn’t have to hear my mom's lectures, I was happy to play that role.

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However, as Michelle grew older and entered her teenage years, her relationship with her mother became strained. The same behaviours and expectations that once provided comfort now felt suffocating. In such an environment where a mother’s scoldings seem to pile up day after day, there’s only so much one can handle. Especially in your teenage years where you’re trying to figure yourself out before adulthood. It didn’t help when her mother firmly disapproved of Michelle pursuing a path in music, instead of focusing on colleges like she wanted her to. “‘You should be thinking about the colleges, not doing this weird thing,” (Ch 5 Pg 61).

For Michelle, that environment was a ticking time bomb that would explode when she hit her limit and wanted to leave, and her Mother’s constant expectations for her only made the ticking quicker. These conditions mixed with the mind of a growing adolescent, shaped Michelle to value independence away from her Mom. She wanted to prove that she didn’t need her mother there to help her in life, she’d make it on her own. Michelle's need for independence shifted from a desire to make her mother proud, to now a desire to distance herself from her mother's influence.

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Jjamppong (Spicy seafood noodle soup) - One of her mom’s favourite dishes.

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Sannakji (live long-armed octopus) - one of the dishes Michelle ate as a child to impress her family.

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Filipino eating a dish with their hands.