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What should I do if I think someone is in an abusive relationship?

DO: Listen without judgement

Let them speak freely. Believe what they’re telling you, even if it’s hard to hear. Victims often fear they won’t be believed or may have been told the abuse is their fault.

“You’re not alone. I’m here for you, no matter what.”

DO: Be patient and available

It can take time for someone to open up or feel ready to make changes. Your consistent presence can be a source of strength, even if they’re not ready to act now.

DO: Focus on their safety, not your frustration

You might want them to leave straight away, but rushing them can be dangerous. Instead, help them think through safe options and reassure them that you’ll support them no matter how long it takes.

DO: Help them create a safety plan

If they’re open to it, help them plan for emergencies:

Where they could go

Who they could call

Important items to keep hidden (ID, money, phone, keys)

Encourage them to speak to domestic abuse professionals who can guide them safely.

What should I avoid when trying to help?

DON’T: Pressure them to leave immediately

Leaving can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Many victims need time to plan, build confidence and secure support. Instead of saying, “You have to leave now,” try, “Whenever you’re ready, I’ll help you.”

DON’T: Confront the abuser

Challenging or exposing the abuser can increase danger for the victim. It can also put you at risk. Always put safety first and never act without the victim’s knowledge or consent.

DON’T: Judge or criticise

Saying things like “Why did you stay?” or “I’d never put up with that” can cause shame and push them away. Abuse is complex, and leaving isn’t always a straightforward choice.

DON’T: Take control of the situation

As well-meaning as it may be, taking over can replicate the control they’re already experiencing. Empower them to make their own decisions and let them set the pace.

DON’T: Share their story without permission

Even if you’re worried or want to help, never share their experience unless they agree—unless someone is in immediate danger. Respect their privacy and trust.

How can I look after myself while helping someone else?

Supporting someone through domestic abuse can be emotionally draining.

Remember:

It’s not your responsibility to “save” them

It’s okay to feel frustrated or worried

You can speak to support services yourself for advice- that is what "supporting you to support them" is here for. We can listen to you and give support and advice on how to help.

Helping someone in an abusive relationship is a balancing act. The right support can help them feel heard, believed and safe enough to take steps when they’re ready. The wrong approach, however well-intentioned, can cause fear or isolation.

Remember to be a calm presence, offer ongoing support, and trust that being available and informed does make a difference.

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It can be helpful to keep a record of your observations safely and securely. It can be useful to make any record keeping, accurate, detailed and chronological - meaning in date order.

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It can be really difficult and frustrating to support a loved one experiencing domestic abuse. We know that outcomes are better for victims who can maintain positive networks, however for those in a support role; empathy fatigue can be a real challenge.

When you lack boundaries and absorb others’ emotions, your mind and body send warning signals.

Signs of empathy fatigue and empathic distress can include:

Emotional exhaustion. You feel depleted before the day even starts.

Numbness or apathy. You’ve gone from feeling too much to feeling nothing.

Cynicism. You catch yourself resenting the people you’re supposed to help.

Difficulty sleeping. Their problems replay in your mind at 2 a.m.

Concentration problems. You can’t focus because you’re ruminating about situations outside your control.

Physical symptoms. Headaches, nausea, or unexplained fatigue.

Irritability. Small requests feel like enormous burdens.

Depression symptoms. Persistent low mood, hopelessness, or withdrawal

If you start to notice these sensations, there are some steps you can take to care for yourself:

Practice mindfulness

Effective practices include:

Body scan meditation (noticing physical sensations without judgment)

Breathwork (3 minutes of focused breathing or Box Breathing)

Walking in nature without devices

Journaling about your internal state

Prioritising your own wellbeing

Check in with yourself; are your basic needs being met? Without taking proper care of yourself, it can be really difficult to support someone else.

Physiological: Are you hungry? Thirsty? Tired? Cold?

Safety: Do you feel secure in your environment?

Belonging: Are you connected to people who care about you?

Esteem: Are you making progress toward meaningful goals?

Self-actualization: Are you engaging in activities that fulfill you?

In order to better help others keeping yourself safe is key.

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Once someone has shared their concerns about their relationship; it can be hard to know how to help. Aside from being a good listener

Here are practical ways to help them stay safe and feel supported:

Safety Planning & Emotional Support

Encourage self-focus: Help them prioritise their own needs and wellbeing, rather than those of the person causing harm.

Agree on a code word or signal: Create a discreet way for them to alert you if they’re in danger.

Help them access support: Assist in finding information about local services, support groups, and refuges.

Preparedness

Keep your phone charged and accessible: You may need it in an emergency.

Add emergency contacts to speed dial: Include numbers for the police and local support services.

Practical Help

Document incidents: Keep a diary of what you see or hear, which may be useful later.

Photograph injuries: If they show you any injuries, offer to take photos (with their consent) for potential evidence.

Store essentials: Offer to keep a spare set of keys or important documents (e.g., passports, benefit books, regular medications) in a safe place.

Emergency funds & pet care: Keep a small amount of money available for emergencies or offer to care for pets if they need to leave quickly.

In Essex there are lots of sources of support, The Compass website is the main point of contact for accessing support for Domestic abuse.

Victim Services in Your Area - Essex Compass

Behaviour Change Support - Essex Compass (For those who may be using abusive behaviours)

National Domestic Violence Helpline – refuge searches.

0808 2000 247

Rape Crisis 24/7 Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Line

0808 500 2222

National Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans+ Domestic Abuse Helpline

0800 999 5428

Emotional and practical support for LGBT+ people experiencing domestic abuse.

Respect

0808 802 4040

Respect runs a confidential helpline for domestic violence perpetrators (male or female). They offer information and advice to support perpetrators stop their violence and change their abusive behaviours.

Samaritans

Call 116 123 for free

They’re waiting for your call. Whatever you’re going through, a Samaritan will face it with you. They’re available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Citizens Advice Essex | Citizens Advice Essex

Citizen's advice Essex offers support and legal advice on a range of topics

Healthwatch Essex

If you need advice or support for a health or mental health concern

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Being a helpful friend by offering practical support and being a good listener

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What happens if you call the police?

Advice about domestic abuse | Essex Police

999 BSL

What happens if you refer to social care?

Domestic abuse | Essex County Council

Report domestic abuse | Domestic abuse | Thurrock Council

Domestic abuse – Southend-on-Sea City Council

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Why ‘staying for the sake of the Children’ is not beneficial long term

Many parents stay in abusive relationships because they believe it is better for their children to grow up with both parents under one roof. While this choice often comes from love and sacrifice, research and experience show that children are deeply affected by living in an abusive environment.

Children do not simply witness abuse; they live inside its consequences. Even when the abuse is not directed at them, they are exposed to fear, tension, intimidation, conflict, and emotional instability. They learn what relationships look like by watching their parents. When abuse becomes a normal part of family life, children may grow up believing that controlling, threatening, or degrading behaviour is acceptable, or that enduring such treatment is normal.

Living in a home with ongoing abuse can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, behavioural problems, difficulties at school, and problems forming healthy relationships later in life. Many children carry these effects into adulthood, repeating unhealthy patterns either as victims or perpetrators of abuse.

A peaceful home with one healthy parent is often far safer and more beneficial for a child than a two-parent home filled with fear and abuse. Children need security, stability, and positive role models more than they need parents who remain together at any cost.

Staying in an abusive relationship for the sake of the children may seem like protecting them in the short term, but over time it can expose them to emotional harm and teach them damaging lessons about love, respect, and family. In many cases, leaving the abuse and creating a safe environment is one of the most protective and loving choices a parent can make for their children's future.

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How does domestic abuse impact babies, children and young people?

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The following list are behaviours or events which we know are associated with an increased risk of harm. In other words, they may mean that the domestic abuse is getting worse and/or becoming more dangerous. This is particularly true if the behaviours happen more often, are more severe, or if you notice that lots of them are happening:

The survivor makes the decision to leave or does leave the relationship or the home. Or the survivor starts a new relationship.

The survivor or their children are scared that they will be hurt and tell you that things have become worse.

You find out that the person who is being abusive has a criminal record for violence or has been violent or abusive before to partners or family members.

The person who is being abusive increases their controlling, stalking, and monitoring behaviours. They may also become less predictable, so that it is difficult to know how they will behave, or what they will do next.

Physical or sexual violence starts, increases, escalates (becomes worse or happens more often), or takes on new forms, for example strangulation, or use of weapons.

The person who is being abusive threatens suicide or makes threats to seriously harm or kill the survivor, their children, their family and friends, or any pets.

The abuser starts to destroy the possessions and property of the survivor, her children, and other people connected with the situation.

The abuser starts, increases, or escalates (becomes worse or happens more often) their abuse of, or cruelty towards, children and pets.

The survivor becomes more and more isolated from you, and from other people close to them.

There is conflict about child access arrangements, or the abuser is using these contacts to further abuse and control.

The abuser’s jealousy increases, and they accuse their partner of (imagined) affairs.

The physical or mental health of the abuser and/or the survivor get worse. The abuser and/or the survivor increase their use of alcohol or drugs.

Life events such as pregnancy, retirement, redundancy, financial problems, or moving house.

The abuser starts to make plans to seriously harm or kill the survivor, including searching the internet for ways to do this. They may also start telling other people about their plan.

The abuser starts to use, or to gather, objects, weapons, or tools to harm, incapacitate (stop or disable), or kill the survivor.

In any situation, it can be very difficult (and scary) for you to try to assess the level of danger, and to offer support, so please do not feel that you have to do this alone. Expert help is needed from specialist organisations, who can help the survivor to work out how much danger they are in, and offer advice about the steps they can take to stay as safe as possible, both within, and after ending/leaving the relationship.

As a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, you can also contact many of these organisations yourself to ask for support, information, and advice about how you can assist a survivor. You can contact most of these organisations anonymously, in other words, you can ask for advice about the situation without needing to tell them who you are, or who the survivor is.

Because domestic abuse often results in periods of poor mental health, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm, it can also be helpful to get in touch with some of the organisations who provide emotional support for people impacted by domestic abuse. A survivor may feel worse, rather than better, at the point when they end or leave a relationship, or for a period of time afterwards, so it is important that they get professional help and support.