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I believe I will be using Loom as my media tool. I will be using it because it allows me to be in frame for my talk, therefore allowing for me to fully express my thoughts through media, gestures, and expressions.
There are three ways I'll structure my idea. First, I will choose media, such as pictures, that will accurately display the content in which I'm discussing. For example, when I discuss what types of attachment styles children develop, I will display a visual in which encases that. I will also utilize something most of us college students can relate to, such as an anecdote. I think it is important to share an anecdote so that everyone can relate to the content. I feel like when everything is presented in a way that is less personal, people tend to lose intrest. This will also be my attention grabber. I will add in music that is not distracting but rather invokes emotion. For some, it can be dificult to discuss childhood. Therefore, I want to make my message inclusive, considering my goal is to help normalize mental issues as adults based on childhood factors. I will try and model it like anecdote, open questions so my audience can consider the topic, data and research, and finally the conclusion.
My idea should be accepted in the TED Symposium for the following three reasons. First, it helps to break down the stigma of having mental illnesses as an adult. Second, it helps to inform people of the factor childhood plays in our adult hood. Lastly, it allows for people to discuss and consider who they really are, and what their environment caused.
I want my audience to know that mental illnesses as adults are completely valid and can be by no fault of our own. I want them to lose their shame of who they are as who we are is predetirmined by how we were treated as children. I want them to know that our childhood relationships actually choose who we are before we can even process who we want to be, and it is okay to discuss and normalize that.

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1. A connection of ideas and themes, a "rope"
2. 15 words or less
3. It should be throughout your speech
4. Topic is the main idea represented throughout the throughline
5. Show why your idea matters, the purpose. Use evidence to prove it
6. ideas provide a possible solution to an issue, while issues only act as something thats wrong
7. Cut out any "frill." Get rid of things that do not support your talk directly, and that provide no substance. "In a sense, you cover less, but the impact will actually be significantly greater" (Anderson 36).
8. Practical Implication
9. "Most of all, be sure you are actually speaking to one person, not to a demographic, because a demographic is not a human being." "But most important of all, says Gilbert, is to pick a topic that lives deep within you."

Anderson, Chris. TED Talks: The Official TED Guide to Public Speaking.  First Mariner, 2017.

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I started my journey questioning how childhood friendships affect us in adulthood. I wondered if they dictate our adult personalities and values. One thing that shifted my thinking drastically was actually from the academic journal I read called, ”The link between childhood psychological maltreatment and cyberbullying perpetration attitudes among undergraduates: Testing the risk and protective factors,” as I realized that childhood friendships actually dictate more than our personalities and values, they also dictate who we are as human beings in a modern age. I still question if values change over time. Do the males that turned into cyberbullies due to childhood trauma remain bullies? Or do they value respect as they age? I also wonder what kinds of values stem from what kind of relationships, are there links between specific values and relationships? I want to get others to value childhood relationships and encounters because they affect us in varying ways and varying degrees in our adult lives. I would respond with, "I learned that there are a surplus of ways to research, whether that be your search engine or the way you establish credibility. Research is not as simple as finding the first article you see and deciding that you're going to pull a few points from it and MLA cite it, it's rather an abundance of effort to find a source that truly proves your point and does so credibly."

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I did an interview with two different people. The first interview was with my dad, who is in his late 30's. The second person I interviewed was my boyfriend, who is 19. I asked them some basic questions, such as, "what kind of friends did you have growing up?", "What was the most important lesson you learned in your childhood?", What values do you carry today that you carry because of someone in your childhood?" I chose this technique so I could compare the age differences, as I wondered how lessons learned in childhood effect us throughout various stages of life, and which values we hold on as we grow older.

Dad's responses - My dad said that he had friends in every group growing up, inclusive of the jocks, the validictorians, and the skater kids. He was closest with the skater kids, however. I asked him why, to which he responded with something along the lines of, "they were the most accepting. Most of them came from the same background as me." He said that the most important lesson he learned was that judgement is inevitable, however it should be eradicated. Upon asking him more, I found that this lesson is the very reason that he is so accepting to others today.

Boyfriends response - My boyfriend said his main friend group was the jocks or the sporty kids. He says he was always into sports, as he played baseball and football, so he felt most accepted by them. He said the lesson he learned from them was that there is "always room for improvement, no matter how small." He says that this lesson is the very reason he pushes himself so hard to be the best at everything he tries.

Overall thinking/summary - I believe that as we grow, childhood friendships teach us lessons that become apparent in adulthood. For example, my dad being more accepted and without judgement from his group of friends allowed for him to carry on those values. My boyfriends childhood lesson of improvement has allowed for him to oush himself to be better everyday. Childhood friendships teach us lessons that we then in turn use as adults.

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I like the breakdown of what we are doing each week. It has helped me fully understand what is expected.

I wish that we had more of a one-on-one experience. I think it would be helpful to have a weekly check in where we could discuss where we are in the course with Mrs. Lew one-on-one. I think it would help us improve in the moemt. The feedback is great, but to be able to specifically discuss concerns and questions immediately, I think would help a ton.

I wonder what all we will do to prepare for the midterm. Mrs. Lew may have gone over this already, but I like how my other professors have review days before big tests. It helps a ton with getting an idea of what is to be expected and to ask specific questions.

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7b reading deeply - Rhetorical reading chart

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7b reading deeply - Rhetorical reading chart

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Rhetorical situation and choices

Purpose - The composer is trying to inform the audience of how childhood relationships and the lack of affection as a child contribute to, specifically males, cyberbullying in the future

Audience - The composer is communicating to a professional audience, like psychologists. The work is based in a very professional setting.

Rhetorical appeals - The composer entices the audience by stating the very way in which something so big as cyber bullying has come to be a problem. Something like cyberbullying is a big problem, so those in which directly deal with it are going to be interested in it.

Modes - The mode is text, and the composer chose text as a mode as the work is based off of different case studies and known relations within cyberbullying and childhood. The medium is digital, which I believe was done in order to allow for anyone to access it, but specifically those in which want to understand the relation better.

Genre conventions

Elements of the genre - In this type of genre, there is an abstract along with sources, authors, and the like. It is done in this organizational pattern in order to allow for a generalized understanding of the text, and to establish credibility from the start.

Style - It is in third person. The tone is formal, and a very high professional or academic level of vocabulary is used.

Design - there isn’t much of a design element to this source, it is very straightforward. There are no pictures nor color used in this article.

Sources - The sources are varying case studies, articles, and prior experiments. The sources are referred to in MLA formatting, citing the composer of the source along with a general idea. It then explains how this source proves the point of the article.

Wonder - This genre does not raise many questions, as it is very straight forward. It is a lot like other genres as it refers to many different sources, as any good article should. It is very different as it refers to varying degrees of sources, it has a higher level of vocabulary, and understanding/breakdown of the information.

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Stop 7a===>Gatekeeper CRAAP TEST - CRAAP PDF checklist 

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Stop 7a===>Gatekeeper CRAAP TEST - CRAAP PDF checklist 

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https://pdf.ac/9TB4F

The CRAAP test wants to allow for someone to verify that a source is in fact credible through a surplus of questions that can detirmine its credibility. It is so important to verify your sources are reliable as, academically, research cannot be properly done without credible information. It is necessary in order to properly and correctly evaluate a topic. There are many connections, many of which are determining the credibility of a source by finding direct bias and unreliable information in which invalidates information within the source.

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1. Quoting shows that you have read sources related to your topic and therefore creates credibility
2. Writers will not properly introduce a quote, will inadequitely quote portions, or will not fully explain and expand on what the quote means.
3. How to properly introduce and explain a quote
4. It means to introduce your quote as to preface what it will involve
5. When the quote does not relate properly to the main idea
6. It does not allow for proper credit to who the quote belongs to
7. The length of your quote should not exceed your own writing.
8. A proper intro for the quote, the quote, and then a thorough explanation
9. 4 lines

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https://screencast-o-matic.com/watch/cY66f5KLr2

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In Uzma Ahmad’s blog post, “the Importance of Childhood Friendships,” she details that childhood friendships develop skills needed to be empathetic and successful as an adult. She mentions that children need the interaction with their peers for their emotional growth. They develop empathy, as they begin to connect with others and learn what consequences their actions have on other people. They can therefore understand and apply how their actions can benefit them, ultimately allowing for their success. By empathizing with others, they can also find more success academically. This specifically is shown in their bonds with their caretakers and educators, as children who empathize more with them can understand further what they are being taught and therefore use that for themselves.

Ahmad most importantly mentions, “By creating an environment where children can form friendships with their peers, we are investing in their long-term success.” Ahmad claims that childhood friendships teach valuable life skills, specifically empathy. After reading this source, I noticed how she connected empathy with success. I did not realize the importance of empathy and its construct in childhood friendships. I understand that by learning empathy, children develop more trusting relationships with adults who will teach them how to be successful. For instance, children that are more trusting of, say, their educators, will strive more to do better in life. After reading this source, I wonder how negative interactions with peers will manifest themselves. Ahmad mentions that children in orphanages, for example, have a harder time developing those skills, possibly leading to a life of failed accomplishments.

I since reading the source believe that childhood friendships are more important than otherwise considered in terms of success. Children without proper developmental conditions cannot fully develop skills needed for success, and can possibly have trouble maintaining adult lifestyle needs, such as a job or goals. This is solely the result of a fruitless childhood.

“The Importance of Childhood Friendships.” Bloom, 4 August 2018, https://bloomcharity.org/the-importance-of-childhood-friendships/. Accessed 6 October 2020.

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Carr's big idea is that mass media has and therefore always will make things easier and faster than they should be, therefore making media users stupid. He mentions, "Over the past few years I’ve had an uncomfortable sense that someone, or something, has been tinkering with my brain, remapping the neural circuitry, reprogramming the memory." I agree that media has played a large role in making us reliant on it, making things too easy. For example, I use Notion, it's a organizational website where I can put all of my assignments as well as daily tasks. Without it, I would miss appointments, due dates, and laundry day. I find the quote, "Never has a communications system played so many roles in our lives," to be the most interesting as it encases the sheer power the media and internet has over us.

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I noticed that he used over 15 sources, I did not count but there is for sure over 15. All sources were different, varying from blogs to old philosophers ideologies. One was an article, "All eyes on Google," another was Marshall Luhan, a philosopher who predicted the web 30 years prior to its existence, and another was a mention of a movie clip. I believe he uses so many sources to cement his claim about the mass media and its influence. It allows for many viewpoints and therefore a deeper understanding of his point. We should learn to identify and utilize many different types of sources, pulling from different time periods and different complexities.

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I went through and re-read the article, and then went through and answered the questions associated. I then searched up three of his sources. To begin, Marshall Luhan essentially predicted the web 30 years prior to its release, and people didn't believe him until it came to be. I learned that most philosphers do know what is to come, it just hasn't come yet. Then I found the computer article, where the author mentions the importance of his computer to him.Lastly, I found the "all eyes on Google," article. both of these made me realize the role in which technology plays in our lives, and how powerful Google truly is.

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Curious about this, I did some research 

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Curious about this, I did some research 

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The first website I found was a article discussing the long term effects of childhood friends on adults. It says that in childhood, if one was surrounded by their peers, they tend to more mentally and physically healthy. They also tend to carry a more accepting personality. It was snot surprising as I assumed those who had more friends in childhood would carry on a more open and extroverted personality, finding happiness instead of loneliness.
https://www.bustle.com/p/childhood-friendships-can-benefit-you-as-adult-a-new-study-says-8628069
The second website I looked at was from The Washington post, it says that childhood friendships can help adults \deal with hardships better. Friendships in different stages of life can develop skills, such as developing social skills and allowing for a better take on life. This also did not surprise me as I assumed that friendships and early interaction with other people help to develop skills necessary for life.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2016/07/25/the-importance-of-childhood-friendships-and-how-to-nurture-them/
The last website I found detailed that rough childhood relationships can lead to harder issues down the road, such as toxic relationships and many different disorders. This did somewhat surprise me as I did not realize that people are so influenced by childhood friendships that the surplus or lack there of can cause people to not understand what a meaningful connection is, or be able to identify red flags early on.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201707/6-ways-rough-childhood-can-affect-adult-relationships

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My Origin Story concerned how people change and how those around us influence our future selves. I wondered about the little things that people do, what impact does that have on us in the future? These people in which I had devoted my friendship to for years taught me valuable lessons, they gave me a chance to grow and learn who I was and who I am.  The main question to be asked would be something like what effects do people have on our being as time progresses? Realistically, over time, I wonder if we carry the same values in which childhood friends and acquaintances taught us. Or, do we change completely?Do small comments truly create who we become ? Do our friends' personalities build who we are?  My story begs the question of what influences who we become in adulthood. How do we create the idea of who we are, and what challenges that ? Are the things those people taught us the cause of change? Are the people we have devoted a piece of ourselves to the reason we are who we are today?

Word count - 185

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In Nir Eyal's Ted Talk, "The case to infect volunteers with Covid 19 to accelerate testing," he illustrates that by infecting volunteers with the virus, specialists can then fine-tune a vaccine for the general population significantly faster than trial and error in a lab. He explains that by allowing for people to volunteer to be purposely infected, the scientists involved will be able to specifically test what kind of medication and care will eliminate the virus. Eyal provides context to the question concerning deaths within the volunteer pool, demonstrating that the volunteers will understand the risks associated and will continue with the trial for the greater good of the country’s wellbeing.

He first proposes that volunteers are a part of a "challenge trial," in which they are challenged with the virus in order to eliminate the worry of subsequent results of a vaccine. According to Eyal, the group of volunteers would be deliberately given the virus, and subsequently some would receive the control, also referred to as the placebo, or the actual vaccine. He explains that the trial will then provide results to if the vaccine would give better protection than no protection to the virus in terms of infection rates. He then acknowledges that there are risks associated, and questions what is considered a tolerable risk. According to Eyal, the trial is comparable to kidney donation, considering that kidney donation risks are generally accepted as they provide health to the person receiving the kidney, despite the donor receiving no benefit. He justifies that if volunteers are healthy, young adults, the that the risk level is considered tolerable, and therefore accepted as treatment. He lastly mentions that people are posed with the question of where to direct the trolley, in the trolley car experiment. Eyal rationalizes that most people will choose to save the highest number of people, directing the trolley to the tracks with the smallest number of people. In this statement, he therefore highlights that volunteers would, without question, volunteer for a potentially dangerous situation in order to help the greater population. Specifically, he legitimizes that young, healthy volunteers would take the small risk of dying from Covid-19 in order to help aid the progression in finding a vaccine that can protect and prevent the spread of the virus, possibly eliminating deaths and causing a fall off in. the number of cases nationally and eventually worldwide. Overall, Eyal’s comprehension of the pandemic and the balance of risk and reward provides him the understanding needed to find a vaccine for the virus. He believes that by allowing for young, healthy adults to volunteer for a vaccine, the cure or preventative means for the virus can be found quickly enough to aid in the halt of the spread of Covid-19.

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In editing my paper, I utilized the example academic summary, the Anytime turnitin website, and the FRCC Library website. First, I looked at the FRCC library website, to verify that my paper was in MLA format. I had misplaced some pieces like my last name and page number and the layout of my name, instructor name, etc, so I placed those correctly. Next I had the chance to read the example. I realized I was missing a lot of explanation behind the points addressed, and revised them to explain further, as provided in the example. Specifically, most of my opening lines had one sentence explaining, so in revision, I gave more clarity to what was discussed. I lastly ran it through the Turnitin website, to find grammatical errors. I found that there was significantly more than I had thought, such as misplaced commas. I also found a lot of sentences could be split up for clarity. Ultimately, I learned how to properly revise my papers, using different resources for different errors, such as Grammarly or Turnitin for grammatical errors and the FRCC library for proper MLA formatting guidelines. I believe I met all guidelines, and Turnitin was the most helpful resource.

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The case to infect volunteers with Covid-19 to accelerate vaccine testing

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The case to infect volunteers with Covid-19 to accelerate vaccine testing

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In Nir Eyal's Ted Talk, "The case to infect volunteers with Covid 19 to accelerate testing," he explains that by infecting volunteers with the virus, specialists can then fine-tune a vaccine for the general population significantly faster than trial and error in a lab. He first proposes that volunteers are a part of a "challenge trial," in which they are challenged with the virus in order to eliminate the worry of subsequent results of a vaccine. He then adds kidney donor statistics when questioned about the possible failure of the trial. for instance, he mentioned that kidney donation is equally as dangerous in terms of death as the trial, therefore explains that the trial will do more good than bad. He lastly mentions that people are posed with the question of where to direct the trolley. Most people will save the highest number of people, therefore highlighting that volunteers would volunteer for a potentially dangerous situation in order to help the greater population. Overall, Eyal believes that by giving civilians agree to being infected with the

https://www.ted.com/talks/nir_eyal_the_case_to_infect_volunteers_with_covid_19_to_accelerate_vaccine_testing/footnotes#t-648726

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In Barry Schwartz Ted Talk, "What role does luck play in your life," he informs his audience of the role of luck in terms of education and opportunities through telling personal anecdotes. He has multiple purposes as he uses his own personal experiences in order to explain how he was lucky in his career, marriage, etc, and how, specifically the educational system, draws people from luck. He appeals to people in which are trying to further their education, as his talk is based in how the educational system only works for people who are lucky enough to benefit from it. He does not format his talk visually, rather he form its the way he conveys his message, beginning with a personal anecdote, then going to a question for his audience, and then moving to an overall possible solution. He specifically pulls from his experience as a professor at a college in order to convey his message. Schwartz uses first person to connect his experienced with his message, all done so in a mixed formal/informal manner to appeal further to his audience. He speaks to his audience in a conversational manner, keeping his vocabulary at a lower level in which to reach a larger audience. In conversational style  Ted talks, there tends to be a few consistencies. Most notably, these conversations primarily begin  with personal experience and pose questions in. which are later answered. As a writer, the main lesson to be learned is who is the audience, and what is the point to be conveyed? What is the importance of the point in which one is trying to convey? As a writer, one must be able to answer those questions, and learn the lesson of understanding the meaning behind them.

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I told my dad and step-mom about the Ted talk. I told them right after I finished my second post, referring to my notes on the talk. before I told my dad, I first went through my notes and annotated them, as my notes were just examples of what was said. I would have added in more quotes to the conversation. Before telling my step mom, I found exactly what points I wanted to convey in specific so I could tell her with confidence. By repeating the summary, I could gather a new sense of understanding. For example, in preparation, I could identify specifically what was being said, and therefore conveyed, such as the fact that he included John Rawls as an example of ignorance in society and its affect on our position in society.

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In Barry Schwartz Ted Talk, he conveys the connection between luck and justice to highlight the role in which each play. For example, he expresses how he has found a significant amount of success in his marriage, education, and his career. He accredits his successes to luck. He contrasts his experience with that of a former student who contacted him inquiring if his daughter could get into Swarthmore, which despite her "sound[ing] like just the kind of student Swarthmore would love to have," that there is not enough spots for everyone who deserves a spot. He moves on to say that luck is not just, and therefore society has the duty of finding just ways to allow for equality.

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In order to activate my schema prior to watching my Ted Talk, I focused mainly on gathering my own thoughts on the background of the topic was. My topic was the influence of luck on different people's lives, so I started by brainstorming the ways I have been lucky in the past. Prior to week 4, I had no knowledge of what activating schema meant. Sure, I knew I had to gain background knowledge and discuss certain topics prior to reading things, but I did not know that was part of activating my schema. The technique that works best for me is discussing the topic, be that discussing with myself by brainstorming or discussing with others.
https://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_what_role_does_luck_play_in_your_life/transcript#t-174441

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My eyes opened just enough to see the morning sunshine creep into my bedroom. My limbs were limp against my bed like cooked asparagus fresh out of the oven. This was the moment I had prepared for, my first day of highschool at Smoky Hill Highschool. Originally, I hadn’t planned to attend Smoky. I thought to myself, “I don't know anyone, how am I supposed to make friends?” My anxiety felt like a fire burning deep beneath my sternum, clawing away at my ribs and surrounding organs. Ripping myself from the comfort of my mattress, I sludged my way through the morning, pinned clothes to my body, and wiped on some mascara. I forced a smile to appease my dad, who drove me the two dreadful miles to my new highschool. Upon reaching my destination, my legs carried me to my first class of the day, while my eyes darted between the class numbers and my schedule. I questioned, “Is this how my whole highschool experience is going to look? Will I always sit alone?” The day advanced, leaving my mind fatigued and my body still anxious. The last class of the day finally came, in which I met Holly. Holly, a loud, unapologetic, friendly girl sat next to me, filling my ears with the low-down of our freshman class. She explained, “That’s Brandon. He’s the trouble maker. Oh look ! That’s Xander, he’s the class clown.” The last hour and a half of the day seemed to fly by as I was too busy meeting the people who would soon become my best friends, my family. Holly trotted with excitement as we traveled home together, her pointing out whose house was who's and all of the hang out spots. I spent the next few months becoming best friends with my new family, learning the intricate details of their lives like memorizing the lace pattern on a wedding dress. As years passed, every first friday of every month we would gather and discuss our lives and who we had become; I wonder who they are today, who are the very people who helped me become who I am today?

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First Friendlysource - Interview with my dad 

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First Friendlysource - Interview with my dad 

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I posed the question, “Did any of your childhood friendships determine who you are today?” to my father, Joseph. I had caught him off guard, so he sat there pondering for a moment. He responded with a yes, to which began an hour long conversation. My dad wholeheartedly believes that his childhood friendships played a large role in who he is today. He went on to mention how as a child, he had a friend, who we will call Damien. Damien was outgoing, live in the moment and forget about the future. He believed deeply in the phrase “live free, die young.” Damien, as described, was my dad's best friend. He taught him the importance of living in the moment, and being free. He tragically passed due to an overdose in his late teens. His death taught my dad many lessons, but his life and how he lived taught him more, my dad says. It taught him to cherish every moment, to enjoy the moment.“His life and how he lived taught [him] more.” My dad's friendship was valuable, and despite its tragic ending, there were many lessons to be learned. After listening to my dad, I realized the freedom felt at any given moment is more important to cherish than anything else. For instance, his lifestyle taught my dad to appreciate the times when he felt free. This ultimately means to take advantage of the times when a moment is full of youth, when a moment captures the sense of freedom. For example, take in moments when the windows are rolled down and you’re singing along to your favorite song with your friends, no matter how old you are or what freedom is to you. After talking with my dad, I wonder how tragic events shape us into who we are, or if those tragedies force us to remember the good. For instance, if Damien hadn’t passed away, would my dad still take the lessons from his life? Would he still value the sense of freedom? I don't know, however I assume that tragedies cement those feelings and lessons further.

I also do not know what picture would fit best with this story, so I am not going to include one. Atleast for now.

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In ,”The link between childhood psychological maltreatment and cyberbullying perpetration attitudes among undergraduates: Testing the risk and protective factors,” Chen L  and their colleagues discuss that children who were faced with maltreatment in their early years became less empathetic and more prone to negative actions.

They then discuss that attitudes that stem from childhood are linked with behavioral issues. They explain that the perpetrators have a “favorable attitude” towards cyberbullying, specifically. They tend to lack empathy as they feel they have no consequences through a screen.

Finally, they discuss that immorality and lack of personality empathy are the main areas affected by childhood maltreatment. This therefore creates inability in the perpetrator to experience either.

This article made me consider that childhood maltreatment has a very negative affect on specifically men as they age and progress. It was interesting to read about how these people tend to lack empathy as a “personality trait.” L and their colleagues mention, “Cyberbullying perpetrators cannot directly observe the suffering of cyberbullying victims, thereby showing the characteristics of disinhibition and dehumanization, such as low empathy, lack of rationality, and irritability.” This is extremely important as it explains that when people are exposed to childhood maltreatment, they fail to develop empathy, and therefore turn to bullying as an outlet and as a way to express themselves without repercussions.

I now wonder how long this lack of empathy is seen. How long does it carry into adulthood? Is it ever fixed?

Is empathy more than something learned? Are we all born empathetic and lose it or gain it as we experience life?

L, Chen. “The link between childhood psychological maltreatment and cyberbullying perpetration attitudes among undergraduates.” EBSCOhost, 3 September 2020. Accessed 13 October 2020.

Cite

http://web.a.ebscohost.com.frccwc.idm.oclc.org/ehost/detail/detail?vid=6&sid=87919d41-4a0d-4517-81c4-2cc1038002d4%40sdc-v-sessmgr03&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#AN=32881859&db=cmedm

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“Hey, what kind of car is that?” questioned carlos. New to the car community, I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t even know what kind of motor I had. All of the rumbles from various engine builds filled the air that Saturday night. My cousin intervened, “It's a 3.5L double intake ‘06 G35.” Carlos, seemingly amused, continued to question the build. Listening curiously, I stayed quiet, soaking up all the information. I began to wander, eyeing the slammed subaru’s, the lifted trucks, watching as strangers gathered for the same love of cars. An odor of gasoline wafted around the parking lot, as people were revving their engines. I felt like Andy Ryans at the Halle Orchestra, the car's music filling my ears. Eventually, as I drifted too far, I heard a familiar sound of my cousin pulling around to pick me up so we could head back home. I glanced at my phone, the clock read 10:36 pm, and I knew it was time to head back before there was a takeover. That  warm summer night, July 14, 2018, was the first of many car meets I would join. My cousin allowed me to drive home; I felt free with the windows down and the wind circulating throughout the cabin. I slammed the clutch in, put the gear selector in 5th gear, and felt for the bite point of the clutch, allowing the clutch to catch onto the gear and launch the car forward on I25. That freedom that I had felt slowly dissipated as we reached home. As I pulled the car into its designated spot and pulled the emergency brake, I stated, “Let's do this next weekend too.” My cousin nodded in agreement. That night started a long withheld desire to feel a part of something, to feel welcome. I felt like a shelter dog who finally found a home; I had a sense of belonging. I often wonder if that is what passion is, what belonging feels like. To this day, when the sound of engines roaring fills my ears,  when the feeling of the clutch catching onto the gear when the smell of gasoline creeps inside my nostrils, I know that I am home, I belong to something. Is this what passion feels like?

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Author Heather Mackintosh, discusses the long term effects on a teenage girl from trauma as a child in the case study, "A Bridge Across Silent Trauma: Enactment, Art, and Emergence in the Treatment of a Traumatized Adolescence."

She questions why children suffer in silence, and therefore seeks to understand underlying issues within childhood friendships.

She then discusses how Hannah, the young girl, did not ever explicitly talk about her traumas. Mackintosh explains that Hannah instead communicated them through overdoses and self harm wounds. She mentions that Hannah's father brought her to her, and left Hannah alone to discuss the very issues she struggled so badly with. She goes on to recant her first experience with Hannah, and what it took to break her from her shell.

Finally, Mackintosh explains that Hannah was able to overcome her issues through her professional help. She mentions that it took more that coercion, rather the implementation of techniques to dig deeper.

This article gave me reason to consider the possible dangers of childhood friendships. I was caught up in how childhood relationships effect us as adults, considering mostly the effects they have on things like success, future relationships, and morals. I did not explicitely consider that they could cause such traumatic mental disorders and internalized feelings. Mackintosh explains that the therapy itself was going to discuss, "traumas inflicted by those who should care and protect, and deeply sad discussions of self-loathing and self-injury." Which, in her experience, was not traditional. She goes on to explain that in order to fully break the chains of the trauma Hannah had dealt with, Mackintosh must take the therapy step by step. Ultimately, childhood relationships expand deeper than schoolmates. The effects of these relationships are defined by everyone around, and their actions in which effect children.

I now wonder hoe long trauma within adolescent relationships last. What can stop the negative effects? How will it manifest itself in adulthood?

Does trauma cause us, as adults, to fail? Is failure a result of an unhealthy upbringing?

Mackintosh, Heather. “A Bridge Across the Silent Trauma:Enactment, Art, and Emergence in the Treatment of a Traumatized Adolescence.” EBSCOhost, July/August 2017, http://web.b.ebscohost.com.frccwc.idm.oclc.org/ehost/detail/detail?vid=4&sid=d6c9505d-2fcd-404b-b23e-338fbdfba847%40sessionmgr101&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#AN=124435305&db=pbh. Accessed 13 10 2020.

http://web.b.ebscohost.com.frccwc.idm.oclc.org/ehost/detail/detail?vid=4&sid=d6c9505d-2fcd-404b-b23e-338fbdfba847%40sessionmgr101&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#AN=124435305&db=pbh

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My lungs burned like someone had set fire to my diaphragm as it creeped up my ribs. My breathing was so shallow, with each breath feeling like shards of glass entering my throat. My hands were bright red with the cold of the February air. The world was still for a moment, as I watched my teammates rush around the field screaming for someone to pass to. Amelia yelled across the field, "Aspen, top right!" I glanced across the field, in between the ice cold rain drops to my target as I felt my legs began to move faster than I ever felt them move before, each stride pushing me closer and closer to the ball as it rolled past the other teams defense. Upon reaching the ball, I lined my sight with the goal; every muscle fiber in my body working to construct a perfect goal. I closed my eyes and and punted the ball into the top left corner of the net, only opening my eyes to watch the world freeze to observe a beautiful goal unfold. I collapsed in disbelief, observing my teammates charge towards me in awe. They huddled around me, chanting with pride. The air was no longer bitter and sharp; the air was warm, it was a blanket of happiness which encased me with a pride I had never felt before. The next few moments were drawn out as if they were rather minutes. I told Amelia, "we won, we finally won!" She declared, "we are winners of the championship Aspen!" Something inside of me remarked, "enjoy this moment, it will be the last," and it was the last moment that I had with my team, the last time I'd make a goal. It was not the last time I would feel a blanket of happiness, however, so warm against my cold skin and exhausted limbs.  I sometimes wonder when that time will come again, when will I feel so fulfilled again?