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Sorry – Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone’s getting hurt.

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Michael- AskReddit:What is something most people enjoy that you don't? Reply: Public Pools

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Michael- AskReddit:What is something most people enjoy that you don't? Reply: Public Pools

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**James:** I'm not getting in. Imagine how many turds are in this pool right now. Imagine it, Ted.

**Ted:** I'm imagining zero.

**James:**  You should be. You should also imagine a one before that zero. That's right, there are TEN turds floating around a public pool at any given moment.

**Ted:** That seems a bit high.

**James:** Ever wonder why it's called a public pool?

**Ted:** I've never had to, it's self defining isn't it?

**James:** Nope. It's because of all the pubes. The original Latin was "pubelic."

**Ted:** ...So are we talking about pubes or turds here?

**James:** It doesn't matter, they both come from a persons pubelic area.

**Ted:** Look, if there was a turd in this pool you'd be able to see it, right?

**James:** That's the beauty of it - the pink eye would impair your vision. It's the perfect crime.

**Ted:** Do you have pink eye?

**James:** Lets hope not.

**Ted:** Do you see any turds in this pool?

**James:** I dunno. Whose to say there isn't one over in that drainage thing?

**Ted:** Why would there be a turd in the drainage thing?

**James:** Someone could've gotten here early, gotten in the pool, realized he or she had to shit, considered using the public toilets, remembered that public toilets are gross because of all the pubes, and made an executive call to just shit where he stood- I mean where he or SHE stood.

**Ted:** I don't under-

**James:** Then this hypothetical person could have befriended a little kid, revealed the turds, told the kid they'd never believe it was me, swam away, watched the kid panic and sweep the turds into the drainage thing, laugh, get out of the pool, dry off, wait for his or her friend-

**Ted:** James, what. The. Fuck. Are you the reason why that kid wouldn't stop crying?

**James:** There were ten reasons.

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Imagine marriage didn’t exist. And you’re a guy and you ask a woman to get married. Imagine what that conversation would be like. You be like…
Hey, so you know we’ve been hanging out together all the time. Spending a lot of time together and everything.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I want to keep doing that until your dead.
What?
I want to keep hanging out with you til one of us dies. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.
Who’s that guy?
It’s a priest. I want you to swear to God you won’t back out of this deal.
And what’s he wheeling in.
It’s a cake with two tiny dolls that look like us.
Eat a slice. Now feed a little bit to me.
This is really strange. Why are we doing this?
Tax purposes.

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In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-Douglas Adams

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“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

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http://www.jimgaffigan.com/books/food-a-love-story/excerpt
When a thin person announces, “Here’s a great taco place,”

I kind of shut down a little. How do they know it’s so great?

From

smelling

the tacos? If they only ate one taco, the taco

could not have been that great. Or maybe it

was

great, but the

thin person cared more about the calories than the taste: “I had

to stop at one taco. I’m on a diet.” A taco that won’t force you

to break your diet just can’t be that good. Fat people know the

consequences of eating, but if the food is good enough, they

just don’t care. Overweight people have chosen food over ap-

pearance. When a fat person talks about a great place to get a

burger, I lean in. They know.

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"I don't think we’re as amazing as our parents are… I'm not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What's my story going to be like? 'Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to L.A., my iPad died!'

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Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.
- Kevin Hart

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The first time I heard the song "Hot In Herre" I was on shrooms in a youth hostel in Amsterdam and I remember thinking humanity was doomed.

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The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.

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My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There's candles in the car. You go 'Is that dangerous?" and I go, Yes... but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, "Aziz, your cars on fire. Aren't you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.

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Oh, gosh! My shoelace is untied! [laughs, bends down but the shoelace is tied, rises, laughs] Oh, I love playing jokes on myself!

All right. Boy, I had a - had a weird experience the other day. See, Jackie Onassis has always been one of my favorite people, you know? It's like I've always idolized her from afar, you know, and I've always wanted to meet her, you know, but fat chance I'm gonna meet Jackie Onassis, right? Well... [clears throat] I was in a laundromat in Tucson, Arizona. And I looked over and there she was -- Jackie Onassis, my idol -- and I couldn't believe it, you know? So I got all excited and I went up to her and I said, "Hey! Howzit goin'?" And, uh, she said, "Fine" and everything was good. So I asked her out for lunch. And I couldn't believe it. She accepted. And I was so proud, you know, to be able to go someplace with my idol, Jackie Onassis, so elegant, sophisticated. So I took her to this really great restaurant. And the waiter brought the food. ... And she was a pig. Really. It was unbelievable! She wouldn't use a knife and fork! She goes [pretends to suck food off plate with mouth] Oh! And she picked up the hard rolls and she threw 'em at people. [mimes throwing rolls] She picked up two fried eggs, she goes [pretends to slap two fried eggs on his breasts] "Heeeeyyyyy!" And she thought it was funny! You know? And the waiter'd come by and she'd lift up her dress [mimes lifting dress over his head] -- "Aaaaahhhhh!" Oh! What a letdown, you know what I mean?

Whew! You know why people can get away with stuff like that? I'll tell you exactly why people get away with that. Because the public has a short memory. That's why all these big stars do these crazy, terrible things and two years later they're back in the biz, you know. 'Cause the public has a short memory. Let me give you a little test, okay? This is my thesis -- the public has a short memory and, like-- How many people remember, a couple of years ago, when the Earth blew up? How many people? See? So few people remember. And you would think that something like that, people would remember. But NOOO! You don't remember that? The Earth blew up and was completely destroyed? And we escaped to this planet on the giant Space Ark? Where have you people been? And the government decided not to tell the stupider people 'cause they thought that it might affect-- [dawning realization, looks around] Ohhhh! Okay! Uh, let's move on!

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I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.
-Kevin Hart

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"They don't let black people be Spiderman" - W. Kamau Bell

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"They don't let black people be Spiderman" - W. Kamau Bell

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https://www.google.com/amp/www.avclub.com/amp/83900

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I met a homeless man named Rich (He wasn't)
Isn't that terrible?
I saw a flyer for a lost dog and the dog didn't have any legs
I saw a diabetic kid trick-or-treating
I saw a giraffe who had a short neck
That was sad or a deer

I saw an old man get hit by a train
He didn't see it in the pouring rain
He didn't hear me shout, "Look out for the train!"
'Cause I didn't say anything
I just thought to myself, "Oh, this is gonna be sad."
And it was, I'm a genius

I saw a man with only one eye in a 3D movie
I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone directly on his mother's corpse
I saw a boy who had red hair

I went to a store looking for something to buy
But they only sold paintings of the same sad guy
No, wait—this store sells mirrors
See what I did there?

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http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/982353/embarrassing-and-funny-things-toddlers-say-and-do

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It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a s***load of firewood.'

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http://time.com/aziz-ansari-modern-romance/

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Matt Foley Motivational Trainer-Whitney Treder

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Matt Foley Motivational Trainer-Whitney Treder

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Matt Foley.....Chris Farley
Evan the Instructor.....Tim Meadows
Cyclist #1.....Molly Shannon
Cyclist #2.....Ana Gasteyer
Cyclist #3.....Jim Breuer
Cyclist #4.....Will Ferrell[ Set is inside a fitness gym, with people excercising on bikes ]
Evan: You're at a beautiful countryside! Third position everybody! Come on, your're approaching a hill, and increase resistance! Come on, push it! Push it people!
Cyclist #1: I can't do it!
Evan: Okay, forget it! Stop, stop, stop everyone!
[ Everyone stops pedaling ]
Evan: Listen people, you aren't burning enough calories!
Cyclist #2: We're doing the best we can.
Evan: Listen, if you people want to lose weight, you've gotta push it harder! Look at me, I'm thin, I'm handsome, I could have sex with anyone in this room.
Cyclist #1: [ offended ] Evan.
Evan: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Maybe I did, I don't know. Regardless, I'm just not getting through to you guys as a teacher. That's why I hired someone to come in here and motivate you people. He's been down in the locker room scarfing down chocolate-covered coffee beans for the last six hours, but I think he's ready. Hey Matt, we're ready for you!
Matt Foley: Okie dokie!
[ Matt Foley comes up the stairs and enters the room ]
Matt Foley: Hey Evan! Good to see ya! All right, how you guys doing! Okie dokie, my name, for all of you who don't know me, is Matt Foley! And I AM a motivational speaker! Now, before we get to the spinning class, let me give you a little it of a scenerio of what MY life is all about! First off, I am thirty-five years old! I am THRICE DIVORCED! And I live in a van down by the river!
Cyclist #3: You're gonna be our fitness instructor?
Matt Foley: Listen Hard Body, I don't give a RAT'S BEHIND! I'm here to tell you people that as you get out there in the real world, you're gonna find out that you're not going to amount to JACK SQUAT!
[ He crosses the room to Cyclist #4 ]
Matt Foley: Now fella? Young man, what do you want to do with your life?
Cyclist #4: What do I want to do?
Matt Foley: Yeah!
Cyclist #4: Well I'm a succesful corporate lawyer, and I just made partner.
Matt Foley: Well, LA-DE-FREAKIN-DA! Whoa!
[ He walks back over to Evan ]
Matt Foley: Hey Evan! We got ourselves a lawyer over there! I can't see real good, is that Ben Matlock?
Evan: No Matt, he's a real lawyer.
Matt Foley: Evan? Ya know, I wish you could just shut your big YAPPER! Please!
Evan: Okay!
Matt Foley: [to Cyclist #] Well if you're as good a lawyer as you are an athlete, you're gonna be doing a lot of lawyer practicing in a van down by the river!
Cyclist #4: I own a summer home near the river if that helps.
Matt Foley: Shift it into low, Matlock! Now let's get started!
[ Matt walks to his bike ]
Matt Foley: Okay! First thing that you're gonna want to do is to get settled into the saddle!
[ He gets onto the bike, but his pants tear as a result ]
Matt Foley: Okay! Now you'll often find that when mounting on the apparatus you'll split your shorts. I'ts a common occurance. Stay motivated, do not let it get ya'. Because, as long as you're wearing an athletic supporter, everything's gonna be okie-dokie! However, I've forgotten MINE is uh-kind of a moot point!
Cyclist #1: Gross!
Cyclist #2: You cannot be serious!
Matt Foley: I just wish you two dolls would bring it DOWN A NOTCH! Now that you're on the bike, next thing you're gonna want to do.......is take a little bit of a rest. You know what I mean, just get your breath a little bit, and make sure you still got your bearings. You'll find that just getting on the bike is gonna make you weak. [ he starts panting in fatigue ] Okay! Let's start pedaling everybody!
[ He starts pedaling, and the others follow ]
Matt Foley: Now, a nice brisk base to start off with! Okay, not that brisk. [ he slows down ] Okay, a little less brisk! Low on the brisk! Slow it down here. Okay, stop, stop, stop right here!
[ Matt gets off the bike, and walks to his coffee pot ]
Matt Foley: Okay, now it's time to take a little bit of a drink-skee-poo! Whoo!
[ He attempts to take a drink, but the majority of the coffee spills onto his face and down his shirt ]
Matt Foley: Whoa whoa!
Cyclist #1: Uhh, while you take your "coffee break", can we continue pedaling because we are all paying for this class?
Matt Foley: [ spitting out coffee, very upset ] SHUT YOUR PIPEHOLE, MISSY!
Evan: [ fighting off Matt who is trying to get back on the bike ] All right, look Matt. Take it easy! Look, this is not gonna work out! I'm gonna have to ask you to get out of here.
Matt Foley: Back off Padre! I'm not going anywhere! That locker room downstairs is the closest thing I've had to a home in fifteen years!
Evan: Well I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to get the hell out!
Matt Foley: [ getting on the bike ] All right, all right, all right, I'll pedal! Let's all pedal everybody, make Evan happy! Here we go, pedaling away! All right everybody, you're on the road! Look over to the right. It's your first wife, Linda! High tail it out of there because you owe her three years' child support! Keep pedaling. All right, let's pull into Seven-Eleven and buy a microwave burrito! Okay, we're back on the road, there's your son's dorm! Let's sneak in, steal his student loan check, cash it.
[ As he says this, the bike malfunctions, breaks apart, and starts rolling down the room through a wall with Matt still aboard ]
Evan: Oh my God!
Matt Foley: All right, I've taught you people all I can. I gotta move it into karate class, Evan.
[ He walks through the broken wall into a karate class with two martial arts teachers ]
Matt Foley: All right, boys! First about martial arts is that I'm thrice divorced, and I live in a van down by the river!