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The Most Important Skill To Teach Children

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The Most Important Skill To Teach Children

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Inside: 7 science-backed ways to teach your child the all-important life skill of self-regulation. Free printable!
There is one life skill that is the most important one to teach our children. To call it one skill, however, is a little misleading.

It's really a set of skills- a whole host of skills. At the center of those skills is the ability to control something- a behavior, a thought, an impulse, movement, or a feeling.

Generally, this is called self-regulation. But I am also talking about executive function (control in the brain), emotion-regulation (control of feelings) as well as behavioral regulation (control of actions & movement). All of these together make up a set of abilities called self-regulation skills.

Most of you have probably heard about the marshmallow test in which a researcher asks a young child (usually between ages 3 and 5) if they would like one or two marshmallows. The marshmallows are placed in front of them and the researcher leaves the room.

Before the researcher leaves the child is presented with a choice: "You can eat one marshmallow now or wait until I come back and then you can have both of the marshmallows. "

This is technically called delay of gratification or the ability to suppress an impulse (eat that lovely marshmallow) in order to meet another goal- listen to the authority figure of the researcher and wait.

Delay of gratification is only one self-regulation skill, albeit the most well-known one, and it has been linked to many outcomes- children who wait longer are more sociable, have better grades, and even better SAT scores years later. There are also brain differences between the children who were better at delaying and those who were not as good at waiting.

Self-regulation is partially genetic- some children will naturally be better regulated than others, however, self-regulation is very teachable as well.

If you think about it, controlling impulses underlies all of the social and cognitive skills children are learning - and that is why I think it is the most important life skill. We all want our children to have good friends, to be able to learn, to be good at solving problems, to enjoy life, and savor the good moments.

Self-regulation underlies all of these things.

Don't miss the free printable: 7 Science-Backed Ways to Teach Your Child Self-Regulation at the end of this post! Hang it in your fridge so you have a reminder the next time your child needs a little help with regulation.

7 Science-Backed Ways to Teach Your Child Self-Regulation

1. Help your child recognize the higher goal.

Most impulse control boils down to this: Controlling an impulse in order to meet a higher goal.

Why don't we grab the toy away from our friend? Because we want to get along with our friends:
"When Sarah comes over to play we can pick out a few toys you can take turns with. That is being a good friend. You can play some games together too. Then, this afternoon, you will have all your toys to yourself again."
Why don't we yell while the librarian is reading the story? Because we want to hear the story:
"When the librarian reads the book, all the children are quiet so we can hear the story. There will be a time you can sing and dance too."
Why don't we eat the birthday cake on the table? Because it's our friend's cake and we don't want her to be disappointed when it's time to blow out the candles:

"This is Sam's birthday cake. Keep your fingers away from the cake. He will blow out the candles after we sing "Happy Birthday!" Won't he be excited! And then won't you be excited to get a whole piece of cake for yourself!"

The higher goal is usually about empathy, social relationships, or learning.

The first step is to help children recognize the higher goal of the situation and provide the time and space for their impulses too - it's not that all impulses bad, it's that they have to be to the right time and place or in the way you express it.

Related Reading: Handle Your Child's Big Emotions With Love: How to Hold Space for Your Child's Impulses and Emotions

2. Use naturally occurring situations to teachself-regulation strategies.

We use regulation all the time - those natural situations are perfect teachable moments. Waiting to open holiday presents, taking turns with a prized toy, and being quiet while a story is read aloud at the library are all examples of natural situations which are teachable moments for self-regulation skills.

These situations are truly challenging for younger children. Before the event or situation, explain the expectations and the higher goal. Then, in the moment, help them be able to meet that goal. Give them the strategies to regulate their impulses.

Studies about self-regulation have shown that it isn't about the child having the sheer willpower to control impulses, but instead, it is that they have lots of strategies to help them regulate those impulses.

Self-Regulation Strategies

Taking turns: Try using a kitchen timer to help siblings take turns. The timer provides a concrete cue of "time." Concepts like time and sharing are abstract for children. Over time, children will initiate taking turns on their own without a timer.

Waiting: Suggest a song to sing, play i-spy, or tell a story. Distraction in creative endeavors is a great regulation strategy.

Breathing Through Emotions: Breathing is our built-in all-natural regulator. Deep breathing helps lower sympathetic nervous system responses and helps children work through frustration or feeling upset. Ask your child to pretend they are blowing bubbles and only a long, slow breath will make a big bubble. Too fast and quick and the bubble will pop.

Recognizing Impulses and Feelings: Help your child learn to recognize their needs and emotions by saying what you see - describe it in a non-judgmental way, like a sportscaster. "Your fists are clenched and your muscles are tight, it seems like you are having big feelings right now."

Venting Emotions: When emotions are big you can help your child vent and release. Stomp like a dinosaur, roar like a lion, or give yourself a big hug.

By scaffolding these skills you are helping them build regulation strategies they will use their whole life. For more strategies like these, see my mindful emotions system. It is a printable toolkit that includes 21 regulation strategy cards you can print out and use at home or in the classroom.

3. Acknowledge the challenge of regulation.

Self-regulation is really hard for kids. When they struggle, acknowledge it. If they get frustrated, acknowledge it:

"Sometimes it feels hard to wait. When you are waiting you can do something else." When I tell my son he has to wait for a special treat, he might say: "But can I just look at it, can I just touch it?" I say, "Let's take a quick look, and then let's do something else, it is harder to wait when you are looking at it."

I acknowledge that it is hard, I also acknowledge his desire (impulse), and offer a strategy to help him regulate.

And for some kids, regulating impulses can be even harder. Strong-willed kids have a lot of qualities that will serve them well when they are older, but as a child, it is crucial for them to learn self-regulation.

It is also important to help kids want to conquer hard things and overcome them. This is known as cognitive hardiness and is highly linked to self-regulation. See my five tips for fostering cognitive hardiness in kids - to not give up when things are hard - here.

4. Have your child make a choice and a plan.

Cognitively, a well-regulated older child would be able to look through a set of options and make a reasoned decision. Or, faced with a wide array of possibilities, that child could make a plan.

Our goal is for our children to develop well-regulated thought processes. To be able to sort through the chaos, so to speak, and inhibit distractions.
How do we foster this when they are young?
I had a professor once who said, " No child is ever too young to make a choice. Does your 7-month-old want carrots or peas? Well, you know by which one they spit out the least?"

Give your child choices throughout the day.
Do you want to walk to the playground or play in the backyard? Will you have milk or water? Which pair of tennis shoes will you wear today?
Providing your child with plenty of opportunities for making choices gives them the practice they need to develop decision-making skills and gives them a sense of mastery over their own life.

At younger ages remember to give a choice between two options and as they grow, increase the options.

Give your child the opportunity to make a plan.
This morning we are staying at home and we can do any of these things- what would you like to do first, second and third?
My Aunt took her preteen and teenage sons to New York City once for vacation and each son got a day to plan. They planned the activities, transportation to those activities, and the schedule of the day. I think this is a great activity for older kids.

You can do similar things with younger children as well. Look at a map for a local museum and have your child help plan which exhibits you'll visit. Or have your child plan an activity at home.

One of my son's favorite activities is to write out manuals for his "inventions" or for activities. These kinds of things are great exercises for cognitive regulation.

5. Play games that focus on self-regulation skills.

So, when you aren't in one of those naturally occurring situations, the best thing to do to help children practice self-regulation skills is to play games.

People often ask me - but how do I teach my child self-regulation. This isn't something you can tell your child how to do. It is something they have to learn by doing and by practicing.

Games present all kinds of challenges that are important for self-regulation. The basic definition of a game is to control impulses to meet a higher-goal (win the game!). AND it's fun! It doesn't feel like you are practicing self-regulation.

Any game that asks kids to control something is fostering self-regulation. Like a whispering game, slow down speed up, the freeze game/dance, Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Simon Says, Red Light Green Light, and similar.

Playing board games or card games is another way that allows children a chance to practice things like taking turns, remembering rules, paying attention, shifting from one focus to another, and inhibiting impulses.

6. Remember the development of self-regulation takes a lifetime.

Helping your child develop these skills will stay with them their whole life.
It also feels like it takes a lifetime for them to learn it.
That's because it kind of does! You're still developing executive function and so am I. In fact, I think becoming a parent is a great catalyst for developing greater self-regulation! I write all about that here.

The organization of the brain system that underlies self-regulation occurs around the age of three. And that's why we see toddler defiance.

Rapid development occurs in the system until the age of five.

The system matures between the ages of 5 to 7, with girls being a little ahead of boys.

Development continues at a slower pace until puberty when a second brain growth spurt means a whole new level of regulation skills will need to be organized and learned in adolescence.

Development in the self-regulation of the brain is thought to be complete in adulthood, sometime in your mid-30s. However, I believe that things like becoming a parent or other challenges spur growth in self-regulation - perhaps not at the brain level, but growth nevertheless.

All those teachable moments will add up over the years. There may be times when you feel like you don't see any progress - it develops slowly and gradually. It is one of those things where you'll see effects much later.

This is where it is important to teach your child that it takes time for a brain to grow and they will have to try and try again to master things they want to learn, games they want to play, and more.

7. Realize it is Just as Important to let go of control.

One of my favorite quotes from a pair of researchers who study self-regulation is this:
"The human goal is to be as undercontrolled as possible and overcontrolled as necessary"- Block & Kremen (1996).
As parents, we spend ALOT of time trying to teach our children to control impulses. It is easy to forget that it is just as important to let them be "undercontrolled" for lack of a better term.

I loved it when I would return to the room as a researcher in those delay of gratification studies and the kids would stuff both marshmallows in their mouth as happy as could be, no restraint at all. They waited until I came back and then they reveled in the fact of being able to enjoy those marshmallows. At a young age, they had learned how to really savor, enjoy, and let go.

In other cases, kids would seemingly do a good job waiting, but when I came back in the room they were overcontrolled and anxious. Those kids could hardly enjoy the marshmallow. So, it isn't just about waiting or controlling, it's about being flexible in that control.

Ultimately, we want our children to have the ability to control impulses when needed and to be able to let loose when they can.

If you notice your kids being pretty controlled and tending towards anxiety make it your mission to help them learn that sometimes it is okay to let loose.
Here is your free printable, click here for your PDF. Then sign-up for my mindful parent quick win series below!
Teaching your children when to let go of control is equally important as teaching them when to be in control.

One of my favorite family traditions is that on your birthday you wake up to everyone in the family singing, a present, and a piece of cake. Why, on your birthday, should you have to wait all day!?

What to do next...

1. Get advice from Dr. Ashley Soderlund sent right to your inbox. ❤︎

2. Emotional and mental wellness begins at home.

Get the tools you need in my shop! Digital printables you can instantly download and print to foster connection, emotion regulation, and more! Check out the Nurture and Thrive Shop.

About Ashley Soderlund Ph.D.

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The Most Important Life Skill to Teach Children: Self-Regulation

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7 ways to teach your child the all-important life skill of self-regulation from Ashley Soderlund Ph.D. Kids learn impulse control from doing and practicing.

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How Can We Help Kids With Self-Regulation?

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How Can We Help Kids With Self-Regulation?

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If you're a parent, chances are you've witnessed a tantrum or two in your day. We expect them in two-year-olds. But if your child reaches school age and meltdowns and outbursts are still frequent, it may be a sign that they have difficulty with emotional self-regulation.

Simply put, self-regulation is the difference between a two-year-old and a five-year-old who is more able to control their emotions. Helping kids who haven't developed self-regulation skills at the typical age is the goal of parent training programs. And many older children, even if they're beyond tantrums, continue to struggle with impulsive and inappropriate behavior.

What is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to manage your emotions and behavior in accordance with the demands of the situation. It includes being able to resist highly emotional reactions to upsetting stimuli, to calm yourself down when you get upset, to adjust to a change in expectations, and to handle frustration without an outburst. It is a set of skills that enables children, as they mature, to direct their own behavior towards a goal, despite the unpredictability of the world and our own feelings.

What does emotional dysregulation look like?

Problems with self-regulation manifest in different ways depending on the child, says Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. "Some kids are instantaneous - they have a huge, strong reaction and there's no lead-in or build-up," he says. "They can't inhibit that immediate behavior response."

For other kids, he notes, distress seems to build up and they can only take it for so long. Eventually it leads to some sort of behavioral outburst. "You can see them going down the wrong path but you don't know how to stop it."

The key for both kinds of kids is to learn to handle those strong reactions and find ways to express their emotions that are more effective (and less disruptive) than having a meltdown.

Why do some kids struggle with self-regulation?

Dr. Rouse sees emotional control issues as a combination of temperament and learned behavior.

"A child's innate capacities for self-regulation are temperament and personality-based," he explains. Some babies have trouble self-soothing, he adds, and get very distressed when you're trying to bathe them or put on clothes. Those kids may be more likely to experience trouble with emotional self-regulation when they're older.

But the environment plays a role as well. When parents give in to tantrums or work overtime to soothe their children when they get upset and act out, kids have a hard time developing self-discipline. "In those situations, the child is basically looking to the parents to be external self-regulators," Dr. Rouse says. "If that's a pattern that happens again and again, and a child is able to 'outsource' self-regulation, then that's something that might develop as a habit."

Children with ADHD or anxiety may find it particularly challenging to manage their emotions, and need more help to develop emotional regulation skills.

How do we teach self-regulation skills?

Scott Bezsylko, the executive director of the Winston Prep schools for children with learning differences, says that acting out is essentially an ineffective response to a stimulus. The parent or teacher needs to help the child slow down and more carefully choose an effective response instead of being impulsive.

"We approach self-regulation skills in the same way we approach other skills, academic or social: isolate that skill and provide practice," Bezsylko explains. "When you think of it as a skill to be taught - rather than, say, just bad behavior - it changes the tone and content of the feedback you give kids. "

The key to learning self-regulation skills, says Dr. Rouse, is not to avoid situations that are difficult for kids to handle, but to coach kids through them and provide a supportive framework - clinicians call it "scaffolding" the behavior you want to encourage - until they can handle these challenges on their own.

Imagine a situation that can produce strong negative emotions, like a frustrating math homework assignment. If a parent hovers too much, they risk taking over the regulation role. "Instead of the child recognizing that the work is frustrating and figuring out how to handle it," Dr. Rouse explains, "what they feel is that the parent is frustrating them by making them do it."

Scaffolding in this situation might be helping the child with one problem, and then expecting them to try the rest. If they feel frustrated, they might get up and get a drink. They might use a timer to give themselves periodic breaks. The parent would check in on them at intervals, and offer praise for their efforts.

If a child is prone to melting down when they're asked to stop playing a video game, scaffolding might be practicing transitioning away from the game. "You'd want to practice with a game in which they're not overly invested - you don't want to begin with high-stakes," Dr. Rouse explains. "Have them practice playing for two or three minutes and then handing you the game. They get points towards something they want every time they do it."

Dry runs are another way to scaffold self-regulation. For instance, if you've had trouble with a child reacting impulsively or having a tantrum in a store, make a short visit when you don't need to do serious shopping. Have them practice walking with you, keeping their hands to themselves. They get points towards some goal every time they are successful.

Dr. Rouse says that often parents get discouraged when things don't go well the first time they try skill-building, but consistency and starting at a level that is appropriate for your child are key. Rather than giving up, try paring down the activity so it is more doable, and slowly give your child more and more independence to handle it.

For instance, if brushing their teeth is a problem for your child, you might start by focusing just on putting toothpaste on the brush, and respond with positive feedback and rewards when they do it. Once they've practiced that a few times, add the next step in the chain.

Similarly, if getting out the door in the morning is causing meltdowns, target one step at a time. First, say, getting dressed by 7:15. Once they've mastered that, set a target time for breakfast, and add that. Breaking the chain into small steps allows them to build self-regulation skills in manageable increments.

Help kids become self-reflective

Bezsylko stresses that when parents or teachers approach impulsive, inappropriate behavior calmly and give them time, kids can learn to choose better ways to respond to that situation. The feedback kids need is non-judgmental and non-emotional: what went wrong, and why, and how they can fix it next time.

"When kids are part of an environment that's reflective and analytic as opposed to emotional and fast-paced," Bezsylko explains, "they can learn to make better choices." Slowing down allows children to become more thoughtful, reflective and self-aware. "We need to slow down and model self-reflection and self-awareness and self-regulation for our kids," he notes, "but it's also helpful and good for us, too."

Bezsylko notes that mindfulness and meditation are good for everyone, but especially for children with self-regulation challenges. And Dr. Rouse mentions the many parent training programs available to help them become better coaches for their kids. For older kids, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is also an option, as it focuses on distress tolerance and emotion regulation.

At the end of the day, though, nothing can replace the work of the parent. "It seems to me," says Dr. Rouse, "that the family environment is the most important piece."

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I help my child regulate their emotions?

What is self-regulation in child development?

At what age can a child control their emotions?

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How Can We Help Kids With Self-Regulation? - Child Mind Institute

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Tips for helping kids improve their self-regulation skills when they need help to control emotions, handle frustration and resist impulsive behavior. Advice from experts.

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Self-regulation in children and teenagers

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Self-regulation is the ability to manage reactions and behaviour. You can help children learn self-regulation from early childhood and into the teen years.

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The Classroom Calming Corner - Watson Institute

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Does a student become overwhelmed in a busy classroom? Help them relax & increase class participation by having a classroom calming corner.

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How To Make The Ultimate Calm Down Corner

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How To Make The Ultimate Calm Down Corner

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A calm down corner is a comfortable and calming space for children to go when they need some space, to calm down their bodies, and to take a time-in to process their big feelings.

It is a non-punitive alternative to time-outs that helps children develop emotional regulation, provides structure, and leaves them feeling safe and secure.
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links.
Why Create a Calm Down Corner?

Children don't misbehave because they want to. They misbehave because they don't possess the necessary skills required to manage and control their behaviors when they're in distress.

A calm down corner provides teaching moments so you can help your child develop these lacking skills.

There are multitudinous benefits to using a calm down corner, as opposed to traditional "discipline" or punishments like time-outs or removing privileges.

Builds Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize our feelings, and the feelings of others (empathy), and to use that information to guide how you think and behave.

Early development of emotional intelligence begins with identifying core emotions, such as happy, sad, mad, tired. Later, we develop the ability to recognize more complex feelings, such as annoyed vs furious.

Finally, we learn to use this emotional information to guide behavior and manage emotions through self-regulation.
Your calm down corner will contain all the tools you need to help your child learn and practice these skills.
Teaches Children that Unpleasant Emotions are Normal

Everyone feels mad, sad, jealous, etc. from time to time. These emotions are unpleasant to experience but they are normal.

Children should never feel ashamed of their emotions or feel like they're being punished for feeling a certain way. It's important to let them know that the way they are feeling is okay.

Instead, unpleasant emotions can be a learning experience.

Your calm down corner will help your child learn that their feelings are valid bu t certain reactions to those feelings are not.

That knowledge will come through frequent practice and mutual emotional regulation opportunities.

That learning opportunity is lost if your child is isolated in their bedroom when experiencing big emotions.

Provides Structure

Children need structure. They thrive when their lives are consistent and predictable.

This is true for all children but especially important for kids who struggle with rigid thinking.

One of the many ways to add structure to your child's life is by structuring your home.

Setting up different areas in your home for different parts of the day, activities, or routines helps your child feel safe and secure in their own home.

A calm down corner, a homework station, a craft center, etc are all ways to add this structure to your home.

Helps Children Learn from Their Mistakes

First of all, your child should know that everyone makes mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes, but we need to learn from those mistakes.

Explain to your child that making a mistake can make you feel bad for a little while, but it doesn't mean that you are bad.

Understanding this helps children tolerate unpleasant emotions better. This frustration tolerance is something my own child is working on in therapy.

Continue to reassure your child that their feelings are normal and valid. But, also explain the impact their actions have on others. Understanding how their behavior affects the way other people feel is an i mportant part of developing emotional intelligence.

Encourage your child to make things right once they've had time to calm down.

Materials

The Time-In Toolkit from Generation Mindful

Bean bag chair

Soft mat or rug

Medium storage container

Instructions

Choose Your Space

The first step to creating a calm down corner is choosing the right spot. If you can, involve your child in picking the perfect calm down spot.

It doesn't technically need to be a corner, but I prefer using a corner.

The space you use should be somewhere in the general living area of your home. Your calm down corner will not be used for time-out or punishment, so it shouldn't isolate your child.

We started with an empty corner - actually it wasn't empty at first. My desk, chair, computers, etc. were there. I moved them to another room to create an ideal area for the kids.

This corner is in the back of our dining room. It's on the main level of our open concept home, so it's not isolating but it does offer a bit of privacy from the living room where siblings often are playing.

Make it Comfortable

When your child takes a time-in in their calm down corner, they need to be able to get comfortable.

Use a soft mat or interlinking foam flooring, and seating such as a bean bag chair so your child has a comfortable spot to sit or lay.

I purchased this stuffed toy storage chair from Amazon. Then I filled it up with multiple items, it holds a lot. So, I stuffed it with plush toys, old blankets, and old clothes that the kids don't wear.

It's comfortable and quite heavy so the kids can't lug it all over the house.

Hang Your Posters & Decorate

The time-in toolkit comes with six posters to include in your calm down corner.

Their guide will offer several different recommended layouts for the posters. We changed ours just slightly from their recommended corner layout so I could incorporate some deep breathing prompts as well.

The time-in tool kit comes with double-sided tape so you can easily hang them without damaging the wall. They can also be framed and hung.

However, the posters are all nicely laminated and high quality if you aren't ready to invest in frames.

I decorated the corner with some extra wall decals I purchased from our local dollar store. You can decorate any way you like to make the area inviting to your child.

Set up a Calm Down Kit

A calm down kit is just a container containing small activities and fidgets that your child can use in the corner to help them self-regulate.

I made sure there were items in the kit that my kids could use that match the ideas on the "My Calming Strategies" poster.

These included things like scented markets, stress ball, squishy toys, puzzles, coloring pages, books, and a kaleidoscope.

The time in toolkit even includes a printable "Time-In Tools" label for your container.

Check out my list of 27 ideas for a calm down kit here to get some inspiration.

Great Work!

Your calm down corner is complete and you're now ready to begin introducing the activities and the concept of time-in to your child.

Recommended Products

Suggested products are affiliate links.

Introduce the Calming Corner to your Child

Once your calm down corner is completed, it's important to spend time in the corner with your child. Children need to learn and practice calming strategies regularly.

You can't teach children how to calm down when they're already upset. Once your child's feelings are escalating, they can no longer learn.

This must be practiced together many, many times when calm before your child will successfully use these strategies independently.

Spend time relaxing in the corner with your child.

Take time to look at the posters together. Read the different emotions on the feelings chart to familiarize your child with different emotive words.

Do the calming activities together, like coloring, stretching, hugging a toy, etc.

Play the Peacemakers game from Generation Mindful, which is included in the Time-In toolkit. My 8-year old, who struggles significantly with his feelings, really enjoyed this game and it provided him with a new way to think about his feelings.

The digital manual for the Time-In Toolkit from Generation Mindful also has tons of printables, coloring sheets, extra posters, and activity ideas that help teach children ways to regulate.
It's going to be an incredible resource as you learn to use your new time-in corner together.
Although it may seem like a playful area at first, this should evolve over time. Ultimately, this calm down corner is a space for calming down rather than playing. (Although play-based activities are always an important part of taking a time-in)

Snuggle Buddies

Snuggle Buddies are another product from Generation Mindful that are a must-have with the Time-In toolkit.

Think of these guys as the "cherry on top" of your calm down corner.

These plush toys each have a pocket in the back that has four emojis attached with ribbon. The emojis are red, blue, yellow, and green to match the emotions on the feelings chart.

Kids can take their snuggle buddies with them anywhere and use them as a way to learn about and express their feelings.

They also come with a monthly feelings chart (shown in the video below).

This really helps reinforce the ideas around emotional intelligence to children. You can use your snuggle buddy as a tool to talk about feelings with your child anywhere and at any time.

We even added to our daily visual routine for morning and evening to complete the feelings chart. So, my kids are now thinking about their feelings and recording them on the chart three times a day.

The more they practice, the better they'll be at identifying their feelings.

Model Appropriate Behavior

When your child is upset, or in crisis-mode having a meltdown, d o you get upset too?
Think about how you react in these situations.
Remember that it's perfectly normal and expected to feel distressed when your child is emotional. But, what's important to remember and display in the moment is that your emotions don't control your behavior - you do.

You need to model this behavior for your child by staying calm. Remember, they don't want to act this way, they're just lacking the skills they need to emotionally regulate.

Staying calm and compassionate (parental regulation) when your child is upset teaches them that their feelings are okay. Plus, it models the very same calming strategies that you're trying to teach.

Stress can be contagious but so can calmness. Make sure you practice your own calming strategies to successfully stay calm, even when your child isn't.

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How to Create the Ultimate Calming Corner for Your Child - Self-Regulation

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A calm down corner is a comfortable and calming space for children to go when they need some space, to calm down their bodies, and to take a time-in to process their big feelings. It is a non-punitive alternative to time-outs that helps children develop emotional regulation, provides structure, and leaves them feeling safe and secure.

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How To Create The Perfect Calm Down Corner At Home

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How To Create The Perfect Calm Down Corner At Home

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We're all well aware that little ones can have really big emotions. But how come they equate to an epic tantrum on so many occasions? One of the biggest reasons kids have meltdowns is because they don't understand what to do with all those big feelings-and unfortunately taking a deep breath isn't yet in their toolkit! That's where the idea of a calm-down corner comes into play, a method of helping kids process emotions that's proven to be much more effective than the time outs you may have sat in as a kid.

Even if we weren't coming out of months of social distancing, setting up a soothing spot at home where your toddler or preschooler can chill out is a great way to manage those days where everything is upsetting. To get you started on the right relaxing foot, here's everything you need to know about creating your very own calm-down corner, including why it works and the best ways to make it as comfy as can be.

So What Exactly Is a Calm-Down Corner?

First things first: it's important to understand that a calm-down corner is not the same thing as putting your child in time out. Instead, it's a place he can go to calm down when he notices his emotions are starting to spiral out of control.

"A calm-down corner is an area where a child who is experiencing heightened emotions may go to engage their minds, calm their bodies and release strong emotions in a safe and controlled manner," says Donna Housman, Ed.D, clinical child psychologist and founder of the Boston-based Housman Institute.

A calm-down corner might be as simple as a space with a soft mat and a bucket of books, or as elaborate as a fancy fort with colorful art on the walls and baskets full of sensory activities. And of course, it doesn't have to be a corner. The key is to find what helps your child feel calm and balanced again, in a space that's removed from the chaos and noise of the rest of the house.

Dr. Donna Housman, Ed.D

- Dr. Donna Housman, Ed.D

When Should You Use It?

Maybe you've been using time outs with your children and you'd like to transition to a calming corner. Or perhaps you'd like to incorporate both techniques into your parenting toolkit. How do you know when to use a calm-down corner vs. time out? According to our experts, the following instances are best times to enlist the help of a calm-down corner:

Before things escalate.

A calming corner should be a soothing and inviting space that is left open for the child to enter whenever they are feeling dysregulated, says Dr. Housman. She feels it's important for parents to help children identify the signs their body gives them to let them know they're becoming out of control. Things like a clenched jaw, tight fists, shouting, furrowed brows, and throwing things are all signs your child can come to recognize.

For overstimulation rather than willful disobedience.

If you've used timeouts in the past for things like blatant disrespect or breaking house rules, it may be confusing for kids if you switch to a calm-down corner. To combat this, begin by using it for instances of overstimulation or heightened emotions. You know, before your kiddo is in trouble. And remember-too much excitement can be as out of control as too much anger, says Dr. Housman. Both can lead to those caveman impulses in little ones, so encourage them to hit the calm-down corner to cool off for a bit.

When your child decides it's time.

One of the biggest benefits of using a calm-down corner is that it teaches little ones improved self confidence, independence, and self-insight, says Allie Finkel, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and co-owner of Kind Minds Therapy in New York City. As part of this, your little one will quickly begin to recognize when they need to spend time in the calm-down corner. When this happens, embrace it, and know that she's beginning the life-long process of regulating her emotions.

Setting Up Your Own Calm-Down Corner

If you choose to set up a calm-down corner in your home, there are a few things you'll want to keep in mind before you get started. Finkel shares the following tips for success if you're wondering how to set up a calm-down corner:

Have your child help with the planning. Listen to his calm-down corner ideas. This is a great way to ensure the space works for your child's individual needs.

Teach your child how to use everything you've included. Don't set expectations based on assumptions; instead, set your child up for success in her new space.

Be consistent. It'll take some getting used to for both of you, but with consistency and firm but gentle guidance on when it's time to use the calm-down corner, your little one will eventually catch on and begin to use it properly.

Work together to create a set of rules for the space. Allowing your child to take part in setting the rules will provide him with a much-needed sense of control.

What to Include in a Calm-Down Corner

Your calm-down corner should consist of a comfortable place to sit or lay down, and several calming activities for your child to engage in. These can be sensory in nature, but that's not a requirement. Finkel recommends the following items if you're looking for calm-down corner ideas.

Glitter jar

Bubble wrap

Stress ball

Fidget spinners

Pinwheel or visual image for breathing

A list of "mindful minute" activities

A journal (for older children)

Slinky

Art materials

Bean bag chair

Blankets and pillows

Once the calm-down corner has worked its magic, it's important to check in with your child about the feelings that led them to the cozy corner, how they are feeling now and how their behavior made you feel, says Dr. Housman. This helps your little one to understand what happened, sort through the emotions they experienced, and most importantly, learn how to handle similar situations in the future.

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How to Create the Perfect Calm-Down Corner at Home

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A calm-down corner can not only diffuse tantrums in the making, but a soothing spot designed just for your toddler or preschooler can also help them learn valuable skills for regulating his or her emotions.

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Calm Down Corner - Action for Healthy Kids

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Create a calm down corner at school or at home to help children process emotions and develop self-awareness and self-management.