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There is no doubt that Jane and Rochester go through a rollercoaster of emotions when it comes to their relationship's dynamic. In the beginning, Rochester is adamant on the idea that Jane, because she is a woman and of lower socioeconomic class, is highly dependent on him. Jane, on the other hand, is rooted firmly in her independent beliefs and nature, refusing to be tied down by another person.

After reading this article on codependence versus interdependence, I noticed how Jane and Rochester's relationship paralleled this in some ways. I would say that their early relationship was codependent, in the sense that Jane needed Rochester for her job and Rochester needed Jane to confide in. Signs of this codependent relationship would include Rochester believing he could "rescue" Jane or his reluctant nature to trust her. However, after the two are apart for a bit and reunite at the end of the book, both have been deeply changed by their experiences and return to a relationship of interdependence instead. They create safe spaces for each other to admit their mistakes and desires along with being open about their pasts. The two maintain their independent identities while fostering a heathy interdependence with each other.

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While codependent relationships are being discussed with more visibility, there is still quite a bit of murkiness around exactly what this term means. Codependency is when one person in a relationship seeks self-worth and validation by prioritizing the needs and caretaking of their partner. Many people in these dynamics have poor boundaries, the desire to control their partners' behavior or actions, anxiety, low self-worth, fear of abandonment, and struggles with intimacy. It is common for codependent people to have early childhood attachment wounds, these behaviors are an attempt to heal from childhood traumas . The strategies you employed to survive as an adolescent are valid - but they may not be what you need to heal.

When you're consumed by your partners' needs in the relationship, it's easy to forget that you also get to have a say in the kind of relationship(s) you want to have. What kind of dynamic feels healthy and nourishing for you? Are your needs being met in this relationship? Do you feel like you can be emotionally vulnerable with your partner(s) and they will hold space for you?

The healthiest relationships are those where you're able to hold each other in hard times - while also not taking on the other person's emotions and responsibility for their happiness. You can support one another in life while also having your own individual emotions, reactions, and processes. Discovering what you want from your relationships will help you get to that point with your lovers.

Signs you may codependent

You tend to love people that you can pity and rescue

You feel responsible for the actions of others

You do more than your share in the relationship to keep the peace

You are afraid of being abandoned or alone

You feel responsible for your partner's happiness

You need approval from others to gain your own self-worth

You have difficulty adjusting to change

You have difficulty making decisions and often doubt yourself

You are reluctant to trust others

Your moods are controlled by the thoughts and feelings of those around you

Healing from codependent patterns.

As you heal from your codependent dating woes, the most important step is establishing your own personhood away from your partner(s). This means scheduling alone time, picking up new projects/hobbies, and spending time with your friends. Be sure to spend time focusing on what gives you joy outside of work, friends, and your relationship. Breathe life into what makes your heart beat. The more expansive your life is outside of your relationship(s), it will be far less likely for you to fall back into codependency. It takes work to pull yourself out of habits, so be patient with yourself. At times you may feel yourself wanting to fix everything going wrong for a person you love - instead, try to just listen, hold space, and validate whatever they're feeling.

Values of interdependence.

Instead of feeling addicted to your partner(s) - interdependence allows you to appreciate one another's existence. Everyone involved in the relationship dynamic gets to actively choose how they are involved. Interdependence is about moving away from "needing" one another to genuinely choosing one another every day. Interdependence values the emotional intimacy you share with others while also maintaining a firm sense of self. This allows more space to be vulnerable and honest about your desires, boundaries, and needs as they shift over time. In codependent relationships, there is a reliance on one partner "needing" the other which creates a sense of stagnancy. Interdependent relationships, on the other hand, allow room for growth and change without feeling threatened.

A few key values of interdependent relationships might be

Active listening

Healthy boundaries

Time for personal interests

Clear communication

Taking personal responsibility for behaviors and emotions

Creating safety for one another to be vulnerable

Engaging and responding to one another

Open and approachable body language

Not being afraid to say "no"

Not keeping parts of yourself hidden to please your partner(s)

Building blocks for nurturing relationships

Allowing your partner(s) room to explore their sense of is also vital to build a nurturing relationship. This means you can both turn to one another for intimacy, support, and affection while not being afraid of losing yourself in the relationship or being controlled. Nourishing relationships will have room to lean on one another for support, make individual life decisions without fear of losing a relationship, and a sense of self that is not dependent on your partner(s) affection. Interdependence comes from a sense of safety both within yourself and the relationship.

Blog authors all hold positions at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center (G&STC). For more information about our and services please.

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Codependent vs Interdependent Relationships - The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center

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While codependent relationships are being discussed with more visibility, there is still quite a bit of murkiness around exactly what this term means. Codependency is when one person in a relationship seeks self-worth and validation by prioritizing the needs and caretaking of their partner. Many p

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“God give you strength to choose that better part which shall not be taken from you!"
He laid his hand on my head as he uttered the last words. He had spoken earnestly, mildly: his look was not, indeed, that of a lover beholding his mistress, but it was that of a pastor recalling his wandering sheep—or better, of a guardian angel watching the soul for which he is responsible. All men of talent, whether they be men of feeling or not; whether they be zealots, or aspirants, or despots—provided only they be sincere—have their sublime moments, when they subdue and rule. I felt veneration for St. John—veneration so strong that its impetus thrust me at once to the point I had so long shunned. I was tempted to cease struggling with him—to rush down the torrent of his will into the gulf of his existence, and there lose my own. I was almost as hard beset by him now as I had been once before, in a different way, by another. I was a fool both times” (Bronte 397-398).

I thought it was crazy to see St. John persuade Jane to come to India with him as his wife to the point where he reads prayers aloud to her. He tries AGAIN to convince her that marrying him and doing missionary work is God’s will and Jane even started to become awed by his manner and starts to relent and she’s almost ready to agree to marry him! I was actually shocked when Jane was about to change her mind into marrying him. It just shows God's immense power over Jane, even when she just told St. John she wouldn't go to India as his wife. St. John would not give up! I thought it was wise for St. John to condemn Jane’s eternal soul and tell her that she would marry him and accompany him to India if she were convinced that it is God's will. This way, it is harder for Jane to refuse his proposal because by refusing his proposal, she is refusing God. This excerpt also revealed a lot about St. John’s character. It is as if he imagines that all his deeds and thoughts are exactly what God would want.

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Going deeper into this book, I am starting to pick up on some similarities and differences between Mr. Rochester and St. John. The way St. John acts around Miss Oliver reminds me of how Rochester acted around Jane. Although they both had affectionate feelings for their love, they were unable to express it. I also noticed a contrast in appearance and reality. Mr. Rochester appears to be a brooding, stern character, but beneath his tough exterior, he has a passionately romantic heart. By contrast however, St. John has  gentle and calm features, but beneath his charming exterior there is no passion or desire. He is a man who never enjoys life, rests, or approves of others feeling content. This is why Jane often describes Rochester’s eyes as flashing and flaming, whereas she constantly associates St. John with rock, ice, and snow. Mr. Rochester is also very non-religious while St. John is a minister. And just like Rochester, St. John is a pretty practical person; he recognizes that his relationship with Rosamond would fail just because she would not fit as a missionary’s wife. This reveals both their contrasting views on love. Whereas Rochester looks for true love in a wife, St. John does not look for love in a wife, but rather someone who could benefit his work.

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Diana (I knew her by the long curls which I saw drooping between me and the fire as she bent over me) broke some bread, dipped it in milk, and put it to my lips. Her face was near mine: I saw there was pity in it, and I felt sympathy in her hurried breathing. In her simple words, too, the same balm-like emotion spoke: "Try to eat."
"Yes--try," repeated Mary gently; and Mary's hand removed my sodden bonnet and lifted my head. I tasted what they offered me: feebly at first, eagerly soon.
"Not too much at first--restrain her," said the brother; "she has had enough." And he withdrew the cup of milk and the plate of bread.
"A little more, St. John--look at the avidity in her eyes." (Bronte 323)

I was touched by how Diana, Mary, and St. John treated Jane upon her arrival at the Moor House. St. John didn’t just send Jane away when Jane arrived at the door and Diana and Mary were very sympathetic to Jane’s plight when they offered her break and milk. They made it very inviting and comforting for Jane which starkly contrasted with the way Eliza, Georgina, and John treated Jane. There is no question that Diana and Mary provide positive female companionship for Jane. However, while they are warm and welcoming, St. John is difficult to befriend for Jane because he is more reserved and does not seem to enjoy the pleasures in life.  In the face of their reserved and cold brother, the way they open their home and hearts to Jane is striking. I feel like Diana and Mary are the perfect culmination of female relationships for Jane - encompassing and reinforcing all her previous experiences.  They are kind and welcoming to her, they teach and inspire her, and it seems like Jane finds happiness in conversing with them. It was so wholesome to see them welcome Jane into their family with open arms, but it was disappointing to see St. John more interested in empowering Jane to earn her own living.

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The dynamic between Jane, Mr. Rochester, and Miss Blanche is starting to remind me of Allie, Noah, and Lon from the 2004 film, The Notebook. The character of Jane and Noah are similar in ways such as their wealth and social status. Miss Blanche and Lon are from upper-class families and meet the beauty standards of society, and Mr. Rochester and Allie have a very similar storyline; they defy social conventions to end up with their true lover. When Jane tells Mr. Rochester, “Do you think I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong!...And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me…” (Bronte 246), it immediately reminded of the scene in The Notebook, when Noah tells Allie, she is not going with her heart, but rather in a direction that will give her wealth and security.

And just like how Mr. Rochester tells Jane that him and Miss Blanche are going to get married to make her jealous and mask his feelings, Allie flaunts her marriage ring in front of Noah and says, “I’m a married woman,” when in reality they are both trying to tease the other and mask their true feelings. Another part in Jane Eyre that reminded me of The Notebook, was when Mrs. Fairfax finds out about Jane and Mr. Rochester’s relationship. Mrs. Fairfax tells Jane she is confused as to why someone like Rochester, who is high-class and wealthier would be interested in Jane, who is poor and plain. She also cautions Jane about some of the problems that might turn up in her relationship with Rochester, due to their difference in social class. Even though Mrs. Fairfax isn’t really upset at the situation, it kind of reminded me of Allie’s mom since she did not approve of the relationship and forbid her from seeing Noah. With the insults given by Mrs. Fairfax and Allie’s mom, there is something both Jane and Allie do. They defend for their true love, someone who is in a different social class than them.

Another interesting thing I found is Jane and Allie both reflect their innermost dreams and feelings and ideas they struggle to express given their repressed, strait-laced upbringing through art. It is astounding to see how both their sketches and inspirations show that they try to go beyond their grasp and are not limited or suppressed by the society.

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What Do You Want? - The Notebook (4/6) Movie CLIP (2004) HD

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“Georgiana, a more vain and absurd animal than you, was certainly never allowed to cumber the earth. You had no right to be born; for you make no use of life. Instead of living for, in, and with yourself, as a reasonable being ought, you seek only to fasten your feebleness on some other person’s strength: if no one can be found willing to burden her or himself with such a fat, weak, puffy, useless thing, you cry out that you are ill-treated, neglected, miserable. Then, too, existence for you must be a scene of continual change and excitement, or else the world is a dungeon: you must be admired, you must be courted, you must be flattered—you must have music, dancing, and society—or you languish, you die away. Have you no sense to devise a system which will make you independent of all efforts, and all wills, but your own?” (Bronte 230).

Prior to this quote, it was amazing to see how unflustered and stoic Jane is despite the cold greeting she receives from her cousins. I was not expecting Georgiana and Eliza’s relationship to unravel this way. It was sad to see how cruel Eliza was towards her sister, but through this chapter, I really got to see two opposite types of character flaw. Georgiana is devoted to a life of pleasure and self indulgence and illustrates the negative aspects of a lazy and selfish character with no concern other than immediate pleasure. And although Eliza is more self-controlled than Georgiana and appears deeply religious on the surface, she is also mean-spirited and seems motivated in her religion more by jealousy and hatred than by love.

It was interesting to see at the end of chapter 21 how they show their character in their response to their mother's death- Georgiana shows an excess of feeling, and Eliza shows an excess of judgement. This chapter really showed that their initial advantages of wealth and status were undermined by their bad characters. While Jane has a happy marriage and even visits Mrs. Reed's deathbed, Georgiana and Eliza never transcend their fundamentally bad natures.

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Lately I have been watching a lot of Architecture Digest videos on YouTube so I thought why not explore some of the architecture in Jane Eyre. This reading section was more focused in on gothic architecture but throughout the novel I noticed the “houses” have a critical role as they are considered worthy of importance in creating the consciousness of Jane. After our “close reading” activity in class, I thought each move Jane made marked a stage in her development and sense of her own identity. In this video on “Why the Victorian mansion is a horror icon,” it mentions almost all Victorian mansions are towering, empty, and isolated. In regards to the Thornfield house, Jane says it is, “Far and wide, on each side, there were only fields, where no cattle now browsed…” (Bronte 115).

The isolation from the rest of society is where Jane matures and comes into her own the most. Jane’s arrival at Thornfield marks the beginning of a kind of independence; she makes a decision to leave the safety of Lowood, obtains a job as a governess on the basis of her abilities and experience, and displays courage in travelling to take up this job in a distant and unknown location.

Another thing the video mentions is the mystery and restlessness that is associated with Victorian mansions. Thornfield is full of mystery, especially when it comes to the strange laughter from the third floor, Grace Poole, and the uncertainty Jane felt as to how Rochester came to be Adele’s guardian. And upon the gothic elements that made Jane feel uneasy, when Mr. Rochester arrives, Jane feels restless as he is interested in her for her own sake and encourages her to express her feelings. The gothic architecture of the place lend to the feelings of isolation and restlessness, but Jane’s maturity as a woman is evident and mainly developing throughout her time here so far at Thornfield. Thornfield has been a place of trial and emotions Jane has never experienced before, so I am looking forward to how Jane’s experience at Thornfield will change in the future!

There was this meme I found on Reddit that captured a very surprising moment for me in chapter 19. I was not expecting the gypsy woman disguise!

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"Were you happy when you painted these pictures?" asked Mr. Rochester presently.
"I was absorbed, sir: yes, and I was happy. To paint them, in short, was to enjoy one of the keenest pleasures I have ever known."
“That is not saying much. Your pleasures, by your own account, have been few; but I daresay you did exist in a kind of artist's dreamland while you blent and arranged these strange tints. Did you sit at them long each day?"
"I had nothing else to do, because it was the vacation, and I sat at them from morning till noon, and from noon till night: the length of the midsummer days favored my inclination to apply."
"And you felt self-satisfied with the result of your ardent labors?"
"Far from it. I was tormented by the contrast between my idea and my handiwork: in each case I had imagined something which I was quite powerless to realize."
(Bronte 130)

I thought the exchange here between Jane and Mr. Rochester was very strange. Why is it that Rochester is so interested in Jane’s paintings? He is clearly intrigued by them and by the mind at which Jane produced them and even admits her limitations saying, “You had not enough of the artist's skill and science to give it full being,” (Bronte 130) but he obviously sees something in them of worth.  I thought that these pictures nicely set Jane's mind apart from the other girls of her time (not painting the typical landscapes), but I also find it interesting that all three paintings could reveal a type of inner anguish: the shipwreck, the iceberg, the despair, the "solemn depth." Her childhood and young adult years were dismal; of course Mr. Rochester, in his inner torment, would have been drawn to pictures such as these. But a part of me thinks that through these paintings, Rochester learns that he has not hired a run-of-the-mill governess, setting in motion is compulsion to seduce her. The terror of Jane’s watercolors strays pretty far from the routine landscapes or portraits of your ordinary governess, which attracts Mr. Rochester.

I also wanted to add the watercolors Jane painted that Mr. Rochester found fascinating because the description of the paintings in the novel were captivating and I thought there had to be some sort of significance through her art. Jane, having lived such a secluded, sheltered, restricted life once she left the terrible experience of the Reeds' far behind, seems the perfect candidate for such works of art. Her mind is sharp and keen and she longs for more than she knows. She herself probably wouldn't have even fully understood “why” she painted those things. I think that these paintings give a glimpse of the effect of dark years in Jane's soul that we don't see in her steady exterior.

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In the opening few chapters, I found myself pondering over the similarities as well as differences shared by the character of Jane Eyre and the character of Jo March, played by one of MY FAVORITE actresses Saoirse Ronan, from the 2019 film Little Woman. In the attached video, Saoirse mentions in her interview that she wanted to take the opportunity to bring out qualities like stubbornness and impatience in her character that would make her character more fun to play. Not only do both characters have a rebellious and intuitive nature, but both girls experience a growth of maturity as Jane learns to grow up quickly through the loss of her parents and her dismal childhood while Jo is forced to mature through the death of her sister and her father’s absence. And just like how Jane is left penniless by the death of her parents, Jo is also poor by her father having lost all his money in an attempt to help a needy friend, but as opposed to Jane, Jo grows up in a loving home with her sisters and mother. In this way, both Jane and Jo are alike; they both long for the life they had before they were poor, although Jane longs more for the richness of a family while Jo and her sisters desire the material wealth and the return of their father. They even both become teachers during their lifetime. Jane begins at Lowood as a student, and then moves on to Thornfield to become a governess whereas Jo begins as a governess at the Kirke's, and then later opens her own school. In this instance, Jo and Jane are the exact reversal of each other; Jane begins teaching to make money to survive, while it is one of Jo's dreams.

On a concluding note, I really admire the independence and strong-willed mindset they both embrace. I also admire them for trying to balance their ambitious nature with the constraints placed on nineteenth-century women. It was not easy being a young woman living in a time period where they are forced to be subservient and where domestic duties and family detracts from various women’s abilities to attend to their own personal growth, but it is inspiring to see both Jane and Jo attempt to break free from these constraints.

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Web exclusive: "Little Women" star Saoirse Ronan on "stubborn" Jo March

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"There was I, then, mounted aloft; I, who had said I could not bear the shame of standing on my natural feet in the middle of the room, was now exposed to general view on a pedestal of infamy. What my sensations were no language can describe; but just as they all rose, stifling my breath and constricting my throat, a girl came up and passed me: in passing, she lifted her eyes. What a strange light inspired them! What an extraordinary sensation that ray sent through me! How the new feeling bore me up! It was as if a martyr, a hero, had passed a slave or victim, and imparted strength in the transit. I mastered the rising hysteria, lifted up my head, and took a firm stand on the stool. Helen Burns asked some slight question about her work of Miss Smith, was chidden for the triviality of the inquiry, returned to her place, and smiled at me as she again went by. What a smile! I remember it now, and I know that it was the effluence of fine intellect, of true courage..." (Brontë 71)

After reading this passage, I felt like Jane had a bit of a character development here because of her good friend Helen. Jane is the type of person to hold grudges and seek revenge so it is astounding to see how Helen’s philosophy on forgiveness, endurance, submissiveness, and self-deprecation gave Jane strength to bear her unwarranted suffering. It is that, along with Helen’s kindness and support, that gave Jane the strength to bear her punishment. Helen and Jane’s relationship is one of my favorite aspects of the book because Helen inspires Jane to be steadfast and kind, despite their `differences; their connection is truly one of a kind! Coming from an abusive household, Jane always felt the need to exhibit strength and resist unjust treatment but Helen teaches Jane to endure the suffering. When Jane stands on the stool, it is empowering to see how much she is changed by the experience; she no longer finds herself alone in her suffering. More importantly, she knows she can rise above it by staying kind and loving, and that there is goodness in that. I think this quote captured the significance of their friendship and revealed the amount of influence Helen and Jane have on each other very well.

Aside from my thoughts on this passage, Helen and Jane’s dynamic really reminded me of the blissful relationship I have with my sister. I would say my sister is monumental in my development as a person because we share and do everything with each other so I am thankful I have her by my side.