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the efficiency of connecting with others by "getting real" which can toe the line of gossip. I genuinely appreciate understanding the real story or the "why" behind something but find it challenging to explain on someone else's behalf. Simplifying something loses nuance which almost always matters but people don't have patience for it.

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You get good curious follow-up questions, or they pause to sit with what you shared and not just respond.

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I try to remind myself that this person was once a newborn baby and is someone's child. That they have hopes and dreams just like I do. That while the same experiences might not cause the same emotions that they have the capacity to feel the same emotions I do (fear, guilt, shame, joy, love, etc.)

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I feel this in my role as chair for a Board I sit on. Fitting in would be noding my head to everything and going with the flow but belonging means my Qs and concerns are valid. Tension is felt as I ask more Qs to those in higher positions of power about what an "exciting" new concept actually means for the people who have to be responsible for executing or the value the idea provides and how it will be handled financially. I find myself fitting in more at my neighborhood gatherings where I have different kinds of friends in one place - the tension is being wholly me when some people see only certain sides of me in different settings.

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When someone is truly listening, they are usually validating thoughts, feelings, and asking follow-up questions for you to elaborate and share additional details.

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N=Nonjudgement. I love to give help to others but I am terrible at asking for help myself. I don't want to burden others, or seem as if I may not know what I'm doing. For me it could be as simple as asking my partner/family to help with small tasks like bringing in the groceries and putting them away. At work it may mean asking a coworker to go over a task/procedure with me instead of me trying to fumble my way through it.

V=Vault. I would really like to work on common enemy intimacy. I see this a lot in my work place and I'm at fault of participating in it as well (nothing bonds coworkers like a common enemy). I need to be more mindful and aware of when it's happening so not to feed into it. Focus on building real connections, and direct the narrative to be more positive.

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I feel this tension most often at work, especially with our executive team. My natural sense of wonder keeps me constantly pushing, questioning, and creating new ideas or projects. In the past, I hesitated to share my thoughts out of fear of being shut down or sounding unrealistic. Now I’ve learned to voice my ideas anyway, to feed that curiosity rather than silence it. Sometimes people have questions, and sometimes they just think I’m a little crazy, and that’s okay. Belonging, to me, means showing up as my full, curious self and not just trying to fit in by holding back to seem “normal.”

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G = Generosity.

I tend to be suspicious of people's intentions and will find myself, especially during times of high stress or workload, trading curiosity and generosity for certainty and protection. To strengthen it, I need to be cognizant of how I am feeling and take time to decompress. I also need to consider potential contexts that I may not be aware of to avoid making unfair and inaccurate conclusions. Slowing down the process looks to be a winner.

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When they share their personal story it was impactful because it made me realize they were carrying a heavier "weight" than I ever imagined. It made me realize they were stronger than I ever imagined they were and held that struggle and grief with grace. It impacted me by making me realize we never truly know all that is going on or what might have gone on in peoples lives.

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The are able to ask questions that are relevant and caring - almost surprising in a way. Like they really SEE you and are able to ask questions deeper than someone normally would.

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R - Reliability

Without realizing it, I find that I sometimes put myself in situations where I overpromise. My intentions are always good-- I want to help, or I don't want to disappoint someone, but I'm ultimately overcommitting. It can cause me to get pulled in multiple directions and stretched thin, making me seem unreliable when I'm really just trying to be helpful and available. I'm learning to balance competing priorities by being upfront about my limits and reminding myself that it's okay to say no.

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I feel this in my role as state representative for a professional association where I am a volunteer. I am a representative, and I have strong opinions about what is currently happening with the association and what changes need to be implemented. Although I feel like it is my responsibility to speak up and represent my chapter, I also feel like there is the little "click" that rubs elbows with the CEO and I would look like I am against them and not with them for speaking up. I feel like at this point, I just want to step down and even quit going to our local board meetings.

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I feel this tension whenever I start something new. My sense of myself as beginner is closely connected to my sense of myself as outsider. I look for signs of others' belonging and feel acutely the myriad ways I do not fit in.

Our October seminar: the usual starting something new and wanting to fit in (or belong, or whatever, as long as I don't feel like an outsider) was exacerbated by physically not at my best (jetlag + lack of sleep, shin splints, insect bites), as well as the psychological and emotional impacts of returning from a significant journey. I felt tentative and uncertain about everything - not the recipe for belonging! In retrospect, I could have planned differently and made it easier on myself, knowing as I do that this tension surfaces at the beginning of things.

When you are the only new one, it's hard to navigate this. When everyone is new, it's hard to convince my heart of what I know in my head - that no one belongs more or less than others here, and that belonging is something we create together.

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Sometimes the conversation slows down, because they are really processing what you say, rather than preparing their next words. They ask questions that make you pause and think, reflect more deeply.

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This is not so much about practicing empathy when I disagree, but I think it exercises a muscle that applies in that circumstance.

Whenever I am in spaces where there are a lot of people (think airports, city streets, coffee shops etc.) I've developed a practice of really looking a people and identifying some characteristic that the people who really love them might cherish: crazy socks, a bald spot, shoulders that are pulled back proudly, or stooped with age. Or a facial expression - sadness, contentment, joy.

Noticing whatever detail comes first to mind, I silently wish them well before letting my attention fall on the next person. This practice helps me shift my mind from the busyness and distraction of whatever seems so pressing, and really ground myself in the immense preciousness of the human experience.

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Accountability: I excel at holding myself accountable, often to the point of blame and shame if I am not able to pull through, but I often hesitate to hold others accountable. I want to create an environment/culture where people hold themselves accountable...and have had some success in this, but it remains a growth area for me...which leads into...

Integrity: Particularly around the types of situations like I mentioned above, when practicing my values is likely to create discomfort, or even pain, for someone else.

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For myself, it is when someone goes out of their way to engage with you. When there is something they wish to discuss or bring clarity to, you get that feeling of assurance. Almost as they have done their homework on a certain topic to converse about, and they truly show they want to listen to what you have to say.

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One issue that has been divisive in our community in the past is the work of Cesar Chavez. When I first heard some long-time farmers criticizing him, I honestly felt repulsed. But then I listened to the stories of them as boys growing up on their family farms, and I was able to empathize with how they may have a different worldview based on firsthand experiences that may or may not be fairly attributed to Chavez but still impact them.

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For me, it is a lot of don'ts....like don't change the subject back to them, don't look away, don't start writing notes, don't start making faces and hand gestures indicating they are ready to speak.

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I usually stop and think about their why - why are they showing up this way. Why do they have this opinion, this worldview? I have lived all over the country and traveled a fair amount, so I can understand how our environments, our families, our education, etc. impacts our perspectives. This makes it easier for me to empathize with those who I disagree with.

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V- vault. It's basic but gossip is truly toxic. I have been noticing our team starting to feel resentment towards each other and starting to blame each other for challenges. We are going through an incredibly difficult budget/growth moment at the company, and it's the moments of stress when I need to model empathy the most and model not griping about others.

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A value I think is essential to me as a leader is the concept of inclusivity. That there is a place on a team where everyone, in all shapes and sizes, can flourish. The best way I can explain it is that when I am doing a good job of embodying this characteristic - I am acting like a successful "gardener". Where I plant people in the right soil, next to compatible partner plants, make sure they have adequate sunlight, and have a sufficient watering schedule so they can flourish and contribute to the garden as a whole.

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When someone's story is impactful to me I have noticed that they are sharing an honest and genuine story that provides critical context for who they are and why they make the decisions they do. Often times the stories are raw and vulnerable when they are impactful, but they don't always have to be.

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Body language used to be everything to me (and still matters)! Are they facing you? Are they making eye contact? Did they put their phone away? However, this was a huge learning curve for me to get over within my family. With two neurodivergent folks with ADHD when I am speaking their body language (fidgeting, looking all over the place, doodling, etc) is constantly "telling" me that they aren't listening, even when they are! After taking into consideration the fact that not all humans can look a certain way when listening, I now have shifted to feel the most heard when I can tell that the listener is absorbing the information without adding their lens of judgement. When you are truly listened to there is a dance of sorts, an exchange of energy and care that feels welcoming and organic. It is difficult to explain, but when you know, you know.

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The longer I've been in the classroom, the easier it's become to worry less about whether I fit in as an ag teacher and focus on the fact that I belong in the profession because I care about students and my peers. When I was worried about fitting in, I overthought everything I said and did, every workshop I organized, what teams I was coaching, etc., and I apologized A LOT, for what, I'm still not sure. When I am able to let go of that, I find it's much easier to move through my profession and feel comfortable working with my kids and my peers. When I don't feel sorry about the minutia of being myself... I can execute in a way I'm proud of.

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I try and tell myself that this person cares as much as I do. Their care just looks different. It prevents me from becoming too reactive when I am really bent out of shape about their perspective.

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I think to myself, this person is doing their very best with the best information they have. Just like the book talks about - many of us fall into the "BS" trap because society tells us we have to have an opinion on everything. By knowing the person is trying their best it makes you remember how you feel when YOU are trying your best and how it can be exhausting when people do not cut you slack.

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Showing those around you that you truly care about them as people. Even if you genuinely care about those around you, words aren’t enough not convince them of that fact. You must invest the time to consistently demonstrate to people you actually do care about them.

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Unfortunately, I think I have a better grasp on what it looks and feels like when the other person is not listening. The other person is distracted during the conversation, turning their attention away from the other person (even for a moment), not asking questions to better understand the point they are trying to get across, they re-direct the conversation to serve their own objectives/priorities. And when the other person is not truly listening, it can feel like they don’t trust you, they don’t value you as a person, their time is more important than yours.

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I’ve found addressing contentious topics in person helps me more clearly see those I disagree with as people first, rather than characterizing them as the embodiment of what I disagree with. It’s harder to cement yourself into a one-sided mindset when the other side is standing in front of you.

I also try to remind myself that I don’t know what this person is dealing with today. That person maybe dealing with work pressures, home related struggles, other tragedies in their life that are real and personal. Put in that context, my disagreement with them is a relatively small thing and not important enough for me make sure they “feel” my argument.

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There are some great thoughts here. What I think about the most is when someone is not is a rush to leave the conversation. I appreciate the pause and the silence between thoughts- that tells me someone is not already planning what they are queueing up what they are going to say next and digesting what has been discussed.

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There are time when I assume that others are out to make my life, or the life of others more difficult. If I suspend that thought and I assume that others are coming from a place where their intentions are pure than I can be curious, listen, and empathize. This does not mean I have to agree with their intentions, or in particular with this actions, but I have to get past the point where I believe they are trying to manipulate or thwart the work of others.

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Boundaries: I try to set boundaries around my time and what I can realistically take on without getting overly stressed. But I often end up caving on those boundaries and taking on more work or responsibility because I feel like if I don’t do it, it won’t get done. Sometimes a coworker has their own internal timeline or sense of urgency, and I feel pressured to put my projects aside to work on what they think is important. Then I end up feeling rushed and overwhelmed. And because I keep powering through and getting it done anyway, it becomes a never-ending loop.

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I often tell the guys at work that "this is the easy stuff, going home and navigating the challenge of being a good father, spouse, sibling, etc. is going to much more difficult." I say this to remind them that nothing at work should cause a great deal of emotional stress. My coach reminded me that this is similar to the notion that "at your funeral, no one is going to talk about the size of your house or the number of cars you kept in the garage. In the end, your family relationships and close friends will be all that matter."

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For me, it tends to be a story of abuse that makes me feel more compassionate to someone's cold or closed off attitude. It feels almost like they have earned the right to have their guard up.

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When someone is truly listening, i can usually notice by the way they respond. They tend to ask questions or relate the story to an experience of their own rather than changing the subject. It feel great to be heard.

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I tried to remind myself that everyone has their own story and comes from a different background, even if our backgrounds may be similar on paper. Just because I start at the same place as someone else doesn’t mean we’ve had the same experiences that ultimately have shaped our views.