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Mad Honey by Jodi Picoult and Jennifer Finney Boylan

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Mad Honey by Jodi Picoult and Jennifer Finney Boylan

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Over the past two weeks, I have been listening to this book in my free time, and have become quite enamored by Lily Campinello's character. Lily is a young woman (about 18 years old) who was murdered, and the town suspects her boyfriend killed her. The book follows the mother of the murder suspect (who experienced domestic violence and fears her son is more similar to his father than she thought) and Lily while she is still alive. About halfway through this book, we learn that Lily is a transgender woman. Through Lily's point of view, we learn that her father abused her for wanting to be a girl - going so far as forcibly shaving her head while her mother was gone. Once her mother left her father, Lily was then harassed at school. She was pressured by her best friend to come out as transgender, then that friend told a lot of people about it. This led to Lily being drugged and forcibly undressed at her prom. She left her school and got bottom surgery after this. After moving, Lily was scared to tell anyone about her past. After her death, the majority of conversations about Lily are about her gender. A large topic that was brought up during the trial is "trans panic"; which is the defense that someone may lash out and behave violently towards someone they are close with in response to the shock of them coming out as transgender. The prosecution believed this was Lily's boyfriend's motive for murder. The boyfriend claimed he already knew and loved Lily for "who she is, not what she is". This explanation really bothers me. No one is a what. I found myself getting very frustrated while Lily panicked about coming out to her boyfriend. She was afraid he would turn on her and harm her like her exes have. But at this point in time, Lily had top and bottom surgery and was on hormones. For all intents and purposes, she was physically and biologically a woman. A cisgender person does not have to explain what genetalia they were born with before having sex, and I am frustrated that Lily had to do so. Lily also mentions being frustrated that being trans is still a part of her identity, even though she transitioned years prior. She makes the statement "being trans is my past. Being a woman is my identity, not being trans," and then describes how exhausting it is to constantly be expected to explain her gender identity. This made me reflect on how privileged I am. I am cisgender, I have never had to think about if I am in the right body or not. I have never longed to be someone else. Although I am bisexual, I am engaged to a man; making it very easy to avoid the sexuality conversation. I blend in, I don't have to worry about being perceived. Lily passed as a woman, most people had no clue she was transgender, but she still feared being outed. It was an extra layer of tension that was added to all of her relationships. She felt as if she was lying to her friends and boyfriend by not sharing her gender identity, but cisgender people never have to deal with this. I think this book talks about the reality of being transgender in a sensitive and compelling way that I really enjoyed.

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A couple of weeks ago, I went to Victoria's Secret for the first time in my life. I had never been sized for a bra before, and everything I own does not fit right- I just wanted to be sized and leave with something I feel comfortable with. During that shopping trip, I had learned that my cup size is much larger than I thought it was, putting me at a DD. For some reason, this really shook me. I did not like learning that a part of me, a fatty part of me, is bigger than what I thought it was. Talking with my close girl friends, I complained about this new knowledge, and I was met with "you are so lucky" or "I wish I was a DD." Yet when I disagreed and explained that I was upset by this, all three of them assumed it was due to back pain (which I have not experienced). This left me with two questions:

1. Why do other women want a larger chest?

2. Why do I hate how large my chest is?

After thinking about it for a couple of days, I think I have an answer.

I think other women want a larger chest for the male gaze. I don't believe that most women realize that is why the dream of more chest fat, because all of our lives we have seen nothing but men in the media (and usually in our lives) talking about how much they love big boobs. You see them in beer commercials, in porn, in anime, in male centered comedy movies. Women with large chest are seen as more desirable by men, and we all know it.

As for myself, I am impacted by another part of society. Having a large chest means all clothes look bigger on me. It means I will never have a skinny side profile. Large shirts will always hang off my chest, making my stomach look bigger than it is. I am not upset that bras and shirts don't fit right (though it is part of what is upsetting), I am upset that I will not fit the beauty standard. While men claim they love large boobs, they also love a prepubescent looking body. The ideal beauty standard for women in the past few decades has been stick thin, malnourished looking women. That, naturally, comes with a smaller chest. Being face to face with my actual chest size forced me to realize that I will not fit the beauty standard set by the media. Looking at the photo attached, the only woman who would be even close to my chest size is cut out of the picture. My jean size is considered plus size in the modeling industry. While I know I will never be a model, it hurts to be labeled plus size by the industry that determines who is beautiful and who is not.

I have heard that my body is just a vessel for my soul, but that is hard to focus on. I have wedding and graduation photos coming up while I am also feeling the most insecure I have felt in years. It makes me question if any woman can truly be confident with herself in such a digital society; where she is constantly being compared to other women.

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A poster of the TV show Abbott Elementary 

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One of my favorite shows to watch with my fiancé after a long day is Abbott Elementary. It is a funny, witty and mostly light hearted show that never ceases to capture my attention. Looking at the cast, you can see that it is mainly women that are teachers in this show, and this reflects real life. After reading a few chapters of the book "Holding it Together: How Women Became America's Safety Net" by Jessica Calarco, I realize it is because women are taught that it is their job work with children, and men are taught that being a teacher is not a manly job. Little girls are given toy vacuum cleaners, baby dolls, and toy kitchens while little boys are told to play in the dirt and given toy tools. Women are conditioned to be kind, while boys are taught that it is okay to be "rough and tough". You often hear "boys will be boys," in a variety of contexts, but women are only told that they are acting like girls as an insult. Women are expected to become mothers and to crave motherhood, while men rarely express wanting to be a father but rather they express wanting to have children, in the same way they may express the desire to buy a new thing. I have learned that the more I question what an ideal woman is, the more I realize that I, along with many other people, have been conditioned to answer that an ideal woman is a mother, submissive, and obedient. We want women to be quiet, kind, and caring; and when they are not we shame them. I have found myself being embarrassed for being too loud and feeling shame when I express to others that I do not want kids. I often skirt around the matter by saying something along the lines of "I don't think I want kids anytime soon but I am sure I will change my mind later!"

So how does this pertain to teaching? It has everything to do with teaching. Women are more likely to become teachers because it is a career that is deemed "feminine." Educating the youth is seen as synonymous with childcare, making it something that society pushes women towards. By raising women to become home makers, we are able to say that women are more inclined to be gentle caretakers, pushing them further into a box created to keep women obedient. We have created a society where it "just makes sense" for women to be teachers, but it is a shame for a child to be raised by a woman alone because "a child needs a male figure in their life."

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Kurt Cobain performing for MTV Unplugged. This would be his last live performance. 

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It's fall, which means it is time for every insufferable Nirvana fan, myself included, to start listening to their MTV Unplugged album and tell everyone how amazing, and heartbreaking, it is (bonus points if you're also playing the Jar of Flies album by Alice In Chains). This got me thinking of lead singer Kurt Cobain - my first celebrity crush.

Cobain is well known for breaking the gender norm. He was quoted saying things such as "I am not gay, although I wish I was just to piss off the homophobes." He wore jewelry and dresses and lipstick simply because he felt like it. He was photographed with drag queens. For a star in the 90s, he was extremely progressive.

Most of the grunge scene that was blossoming in the 90s was progressive. They embraced people being whoever they are. Alternative fashion was more gender neutral, and men were comfortable being feminine and understanding. It was "cool" and "punk" to like gay people and break the gender norm. A lot of this is due to Kurt Cobain being so open and free with his own gender expression while in the spotlight.

I think part of why I have been in love with Kurt Cobain, Jonathan Davis (frontman of the 90s nu-metal band Korn) and Chris Cornell (frontman of Soundgarden and Audioslave) since middle school is because they are so open with their gender expression. I listen to a LOT of rock music and many different types, but I always find myself coming back to these bands. While I love bands like Texas Hippie Coalition, Limp Bizkit and Rob Zombie, these men sexualize women constantly. At some point I get tired of seeing half naked malnourished women in music videos and album covers. I feel that artist like Kurt Cobain and Jonathan Davis (minus the drugs hopefully) are able to write more meaningful and impressive music because they are not busy defending their masculinity. When you aren't worried about telling your fans that you are having a lot of sex with hot groupies, you are able to write and reflect on life and art.

The weirdos have always been better at making art, anyways.

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As a child of divorce and an employee of a man who should divorce his wife, I have leaned that divorce is an emasculating for many men in America; even though divorce rates have risen in the past few decades.

The most prominent example in my life is my biological father; whom is finishing up his fourth marriage (my mother was marriage number two). To my knowledge, he has never had a relationship last longer than 5 years. Every divorce has been the result of his alcoholism, short temper and striking hand. Every time he finds himself living on his own, he claims he is "working on himself." But I have also noticed that he is extremely depressed when he is alone. He does not know how to live on his own and deal with his own problems. Furthermore, every time he gets into a new relationship, he claims that person "makes him a better man." He acts as if he is not complete, or masculine enough, unless there is a woman in his life for him to depend on and show off.

I also saw this with my stepdad, who began making inappropriate comments to me when he found out my late mother was cheating on him. He constantly told me how he wanted to leave and felt like "less of a man" because she cheated on him (never mind the fact that he was cheating too). He never actually left my mother, and never admitted to anyone but me what happened.

Most recently, I have watched my boss struggle with this same issue. He does not live with his wife anymore and freezes up anytime she comes into the store to talk to him. He complains that she criticizes him and makes him feel small. But if you bring up the idea of divorce or separation, he immediately shuts it down. He knows he is miserable and needs a change in his life, but he is not willing to let go of the facade of having a wife and happy family.

Watching these men defend their toxic relationships in different ways made me think, "what is so important to these men about marriage"?

I think part of the issue is that they want someone to take care of them. All three of these men expect their wives to do domestic tasks such as cooking and cleaning. When there is an absence of that, there is discomfort. I think the other part of it is pride. These men do not want to admit to others that their marriage has failed. They do not want to admit that they were wrong; and for people like my stepdad and boss, they do not want to admit that they were hurt/wronged by a woman. For many men, there is something shameful about being the victim in a toxic relationship.

Part of me feels sad for these men. Their determination to be "strong" has caused them to be stuck in harmful cycles. However, the other part of me is irritated. As a woman who interacts with these types of men often, it is frustrating to watch someone put all of their worth into their relationship status. It is also frustrating that these men only choose to better themselves when a woman threatens to remove herself from the situation.

I think a lot of these issues stem from society's picture of what a perfect man is. A manly man has a wife and kids, but also a mistress. A manly man works a hard job and long hours and is emotionally unavailable. Women don't want a partner, they want a provider.

But women are humans just like men. Women seek companionship and partnership, just like I assume many men do as well. But I think because so many men are consumed by what gets them "more pussy" that they don't know how to have a genuinely satisfying relationship. So we will continue to hear things like "bitches ain't shit" (Dr. DRE and Snoop Dogg) while men continue to be emotionally unavailable and miscommunicate their needs and desires.

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Salem Tovar's Discussion on Plastic Surgery 

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Salem Tovar's Discussion on Plastic Surgery 

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Salem Tovar is a youtuber I have been watching for years; I believe that she discusses very interesting and relevant topics in a funny and educated way.

The other day I was watching this video on celebrities and influencers normalizing plastic surgery. This video left me thinking.

One of the things that is discussed in this video is "snapchat dysmorphia" and "iphone face" which essentially boils down to people taking photos of themselves with some sort of filter on it, and then bringing that photo to a plastic surgeon. It made me realize, I do not remember the last time I took a selfie without a filter on it. Speaking with my 16 year old sister, she talks about how she wishes she could be on ozympic and how she wants a nose job. I have caught myself thinking about lip filler every now and then. BBL's went from being dangerous to being common - even people here in Nac have BBLs.

There was always something a little sinister about female bodies being a trend, but it was something we are used to. Women have been told from the dawn of time that they are too fat, and once they finally lose the weight beauty standards have shifted and now they are too skinny. But there is something extra hurtful about faces becoming malleable and a way to follow trends. Celebrities and influencers are making themselves unrecognizable, so that way they look like they are a walking snapchat beauty filter. Young women in their 20s are getting preventative botox and lip filler. 12 year old are using retinol (an anti aging ingredient used in skincare)!

But something that never changes is that these trends do not last long. We are already starting to hear stories of women who are getting their lip filler dissolved from when they overfilled their lips to fit the 2016 trends. Same with BBL's; we are seeing more and more people get them dissolves/reversed. But the human body was never meant for that.

The phrase "beauty is pain" has never been more real that it is today. When you have everything at your fingertips and a way to compare yourself to the entire world (through social media) it takes more extreme measures to feel beautiful.

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The Rise of 'Digital Facial Dysmorphia' Is Making Everyone Look Unrecognizable, Even You...

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The cover of Nia Sioux's memoir (highly recommend! its a pretty short read)

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Being a Woman of Color With a Disability 

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Being a Woman of Color With a Disability 

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Much like many other young women my age, I grew up watching Dance Moms. Now as the girls on the show grow up, they have begun exposing Abby Lee Miller for who she truly is (if this was not for class, there would be a lot of curse words and a rant about what they hid from the show and how much I hate Abby Lee). While most girls shared their stories by attending the Dance Moms Reunion or by going on a podcast, Nia Sioux wrote a book (we love an educated baddie). While the story mainly details the hell she went through on the show and in the dance studio, I want to talk about her disability, and how the reaction she received from doctors is disappointing but expected.

When Nia was very young, she was diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). For Nia, she would randomly feel very extreme pain in her legs - to the point where she had to be in a wheelchair; she could not physically walk. It took years for her to get diagnosed, and she had many doctors that simply did not believe her. Abby Lee Miller was also convinced that Nia was faking her pain. Come to find out, she has a rare disease that causes her brain to misfire and send pain signals when there is no injury. In the book, she states that her doctor compared the pain she feels to child birth or a heart attack - she very much was not faking it.

This brought me back to some of my introductory social work classes. We learned pretty early on to not only listen to women of color, but to encourage them to speak to us. A lot of women of color are dismissed by doctors and other healthcare providers due to old misconceptions. When the medical industry was still brand new, people of color were operated on and experimented with because white doctors believed they did not feel pain. This is because they would physically harm slaves, and they would not react. The thing is, they would feel pain but they knew if they reacted, the beating would be worse. And it is not just black people. Mexicans and Asians were forced to work intense manual labor jobs, and were punished for showing any signs of exhaustion or distress.

Today, black women are more likely than white women to die in childbirth. People of color often do not trust medical professionals because medical professionals do not believe them when they claim something is wrong.

So ten year old Nia? It was always going to be a battle to get a doctor to not only believe her, but be willing to diagnose her with a rare disease.

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The poster for season one (I think) promotions. 

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Gender Roles in Secret Lives of Mormon Wives 

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Gender Roles in Secret Lives of Mormon Wives 

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I have been obsessed with this show since it came out, and have kept up with every season as it comes out. My obsession runs so deep that I follow my favorite mormon wives on TikTok (ew cringe if you dont watch this show, but if you do.... my favs are mayci, mikayla, taylor and jessi who are yours??). The show is very entertaining at face value, but the longer you think about it the more you realize these girls live in an alternate reality.

From season one, most of the women who are married (I believe three of the girls are single) express that their husbands do not like that they make more money than them. Season one dedicates an episode to the women speaking about traditional mormon gender roles - women stay home, have babies and take care of the men while men work and cheat on their wives. These women express a desire to break these norms - which is why they decided to be active on social media. However the longer you watch the show the more that you see these norms are ingrained in these women and they are not being as rebellious as they think they are.

For example, Taylor (the "leader" of MomTok) gets into a tumultuous relationship with a man named Dakota. She ends up getting pregnant with him, and her family pressures her to get married to him for the baby. She expresses that she does not want to marry him because she cannot trust him (he low key cheated). This all comes to a head when Taylor is attending an outdoor family dinner and is expressing her confusion and exhaustion regarding her relationship with Dakota. It turns into an argument and Taylor's stepfather (whom she is very close with) slut shames her. When he does this, Taylor immediately screams back "I know! I'm f*cking trash!"

This scene shattered my heart. Taylor's family is angry at her because she is having a child out of wedlock after a divorce. They do not care that Dakota lies to her and is not good for her. She adamantly expresses that their relationship is unhealthy and harms her, but her family cares more about what their community and church thinks about her. Watching Taylor go through a toxic relationship while receiving zero familial support is saddening but very common in religious families.

In the latest season, season three, we see Mikayla struggle with intimacy issues with her husband. When you pay attention to her story, you realized her husband groomed her. She is married and has about 3 children and is only 25 years old. She also talks about how she was sexually assaulted as a chid and shamed into being silenced. She still struggles with speaking to her husband about her past, while her husband complains about not getting any and is claiming it could be "relationship ending".

This show highlights what active religious trauma looks like. These are real women that deal with very real problems. The show looks dramatic, but at the end of the day, many women have lost their families due to having children out of wedlock. Many women in strict religions marry their abusers and stay with them because it is what the church wants. Taylor's self esteem and lack of self worth is directly tied to her not meeting church expectations. These women try to step away from their gender roles, but in actuality they are still the main ones taking care of the children, many of them are pregnant throughout the show (there is not a season without a pregnant woman), and they still feel guilty when they don't meet church expectations. Women in strict religions are seen as baby makers and home makers - nothing more. That is why we see so many abusive relationships in these religions - there was a part of the show this season where the single women talk about how they don't want to date a mormon man because they tend to be controlling. These men are controlling because they are taught that women are objects and maids.

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This is the promotional poster for the show we watched

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Women Within the Hell's Angels Biker Gang

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Women Within the Hell's Angels Biker Gang

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Over the break, my fiance and I have been enjoying the time we have been able to spend together, and we ended up binge watching a documentary style TV show about the Hell's Angels biker gang.

Coming from the family that I do, I am very familiar with the Hell's Angels and had the mindset of "yeah they do some crime but they have a pretty strong moral compass". I had heard OFTEN that they would never hurt women or children. It is very well known that the Hells Angels has a strict set of rules that every member must follow. Yes those rules exist, but they condone violence. I was wrong and the idea that they have morals was a facade.

In reality, this gang is more violent than they portray, and have no problem hurting women (children seem to be off limits, thank God). Women in romantic relationships with gang members are called "old ladies" and have their own set of rules. "Old ladies" are not allowed to talk back or be snippy with ANY member of the Hell's Angels, they must always walk behind their man, and they must do whatever a member tells her to. If she breaks a rule, she will be physically punished (usually beaten) and it is not a rare occurrence for a woman to be gang raped. These women are often drugged by the bikers, and are often in physically abusive relationships. Furthermore, one of the rules for Hell's Angels members is that the Hell's Angels always comes first - even before family. We heard countless times in the show of former members recounting times they harmed, abused, raped, and/or abandoned their wives and families for the gang.

Why do these women stay? I think part of it is that some women like the drugs and the lifestyle. A criminal lifestyle can absolutely become an addiction - and the longer you live it the more a "normal" life seems unattainable. They may also be scared of leaving. If they are used to being beaten when they speak up for themselves, the thought of escape seems terrifying - especially when you are told that the Hell's Angels can find you anywhere at any time (and it has happened).

I think we should also look at the men who are harming these women they claim to love. The average person cannot fathom beating their girlfriend within an inch of their life, or watch their "brother" harm her. So why are there so many Hells Angels with "old ladies"? I think it boils down to a sense of power. The gang has levels of membership, and it takes many years to be a full patch member (having all three patches on their leather vest - kinda like the girl scouts lol). The members with full patches and a 1 percenter patch (this means they are willing to murder and have done so before) are at the top of the food chain and attend meetings to determine what the gang is doing.

It was discussed that a lot of ex-military men would join the Hells Angels and excel in this gang. These men are already used to killing people and blindly following orders, so the Hells Angels is an outlet of their violence. For a lot of these men, this gang was a great way to put their military training to use. These men spend years climbing the ranks and become invested in the Hell's Angels. Beating women around them is an easy way to establish dominance, shows you can exude power, and proves to other members that you are capable of violence and enjoy it. Abusing women is the easiest way to show that you are serious about the gang, and is a way to "fit in" with the other men.

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Snoopy and Woodstock prepping their Thanksgiving Turkey 

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This year, I did not have Thanksgiving plans, so I decided to spend the holiday with my biological father and his family (we will refer to bio dad as POS for the rest of this entry, I am sure you can imagine why). For a little bit of context, the last time I saw POS was around 4 years ago at his fourth wedding. My siblings and I are 24, 22 (me) and 16 - and this Thanksgiving was the first time in around 6 years that all three of us have been in the same room. There was a big deal made about how the family was "complete again."

With that being said, my brother is now married and I am engaged, so naturally we brought our partners with us. While technically my family was nice to them, they made me and my brothers wife feel like shit.

There was a long running joke going around between my father, uncle, fiance and brother where every time I or my brothers wife asked for a favor or said something, they would respond with a monotonous "yes dear" followed by an eye roll and them giggling with each other.

My fiance was pulled away from the main group many times to "learn how to use the smoker," when they were actually pulling him outside to complain about their wives and warn him that marriage is a trap. I think I heard more wife hating rhetoric in those 9 hours than I have in my entire life.

I am used to being bullied by my family, it doesn't bother me much. But it did bother me to hear my own fiance participate in it. But I didn't say anything immediately because I didn't fully understand why I was hurt yet.

Then a day or so ago I realized why I was so hurt - it's because the person my family paints me to be is not me, it's a projection of them, and my fiance subscribed to it for a few hours.

For him, he was intimidated. My uncle is a marines veteran and my father an army vet - both of which love to pick on other men for not being manly enough. Normally my brother is the target of this unwanted attention, but in their mind my fiance is now "part of the family" and is now also a part of this pissing contest. He went along with the misogynistic jokes to blend in and not get teased. Talking with him afterwards, he felt really bad and expressed a lot of remorse. And I understand, they are very intimidating. He expressed feeling as if he was in a high school locker room when speaking to my family, which I feel is a very good comparison.

I think a lot of the issues I have with them stems from the phrase "hurt people hurt people". The men on that side of the family don't actually feel masculine - especially my father. Instead of facing their insecurities head on, they bury it and take it out on people weaker than them (me). Suddenly I am no longer Kaylee, I am their "stupid ex wife" or the manifestation of every bad thing a woman has done to hurt them. I am crazy in their eyes, I am mean, and I am a liar to them.

I had to defend myself a lot that night, and found myself saying "when did I actually do anything like that" to multiple people throughout the night. The response was usually a "I cant remember" or "I was only messing with you" (aka you are fabricating stories about my character).

While it's not just me that gets treated like this, I am the one who gets it the worst. Around the men in my family, everything I say gets dismissed - no matter how serious I was; and I play family therapist for everyone. I cannot count how many times I was pulled into conversations to give my advice or input. I think that I am an easy target because I won't give them the satisfaction of being angry and reactive, so it makes it convenient to make fun of me and use me.

I think what hurt the most was that I was used to my family hurting me and being mean to me, but I was not used to my person being that way. Now that I have talked to him, I know it was not malicious and stemmed from his desire to blend it, but we both are aware that it was not okay. I have worked really hard and have done a lot of therapy to be better than the person they paint me to be, and I thought he saw that too.