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Hi Saya. A strength of your narrative was the absurd amount of detail that was put into it. It was truly remarkable seeing every detail of the dish being described through your writing. It made the story seem so realistic because I could get a clear mental picture of anything that you described. Another strength of your narrative was your amazing figurative language. My favorite example being, “My heart shattered like the frail wings of a butterfly under a storm.” The figurative language allowed me to better understand what the characters were feeling which was incredibly impressive. However a suggestion that I can make is describing what the characters looked like a bit more. I was left curious as to what they really looked like.

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One astonishing addition to your beautifully written essay was how you were able to make 4 crews paragraphs. Another thing I loved was your hook, specifically these sentences: “Imagine a teen, dingy dark bags heaving their eyelids down.” I thought this was an amazing way to start your essay and I as the reader I felt it really hooked me in to keep reading as it should. The other sentence of your hook I really liked was “This is no scene out of a Doctor Strange movie. This child really is about to crash.” I thought it was cool how you related it to a movie. However, one wish is that you simply just eliminate this personal pronoun used in your second crews paragraph “My data.”

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Hey Saya! Something I thought was very impactful about your essay was your hook. It was loaded with powerful details and it really pulls on the reader’s heartstrings. This caught my interest and persuaded me to continue reading your essay. Another strength of your essay is your zinger. It was a powerful ending to your story and left me on a good note. One thing I think you could have improved on was your punctuation/grammar. While reading this, I noticed many inconveniences such as misspelled words, extra spaces, lack of spaces, areas needing commas, and words that simply don’t exist at all. I would recommend proofreading your piece a couple more times or using an app like grammarly to find mistakes that are harder to notice. Besides that, your essay is beautiful and very persuasive.

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Your memoir was a magnet to my eyes! One of the things I liked the most is the amount of detail. The figurative language, hyperboles, and all of those other hard to pronounce words. In the beginning of my memoir, I dont have half as much detail as you do. The amount of hyperboles you have crosses Mt. Everest! In addition, I also liked how you described the tension of the air. It’s also really detailed, my tongue would go numb after reading out all the details XD. However, I feel like in your memoir there was a simile overload. But still, great job!

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A strength of your memoir, “ In the Goal” is the way you used onomatopoeia and the way you made it look like it was so easy to write your story, and I loved  how you used sound like words because it made your piece so powerful. In addition, I also loved the description that you put in your story, including the way you incorporated lots of figurative language..However, a suggestion is I would add more inner thoughts but great job!

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I loved your piece. I adored the amount of inner thoughts you included. It wasn’t to much or to little. Another things I really loved what the figurative language you included. Like how you said you were jumping then came to a halt like a deer in headlights, I really understood what you were saying. A suggestion I have for you is to elaborate a little more on things. Like when you caught the ball, maybe you could describe  what it felt like when the ball hit you. Other than that, I loved this!

(I still hate you 🤍)

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        One of your many strengths in this memoir was the amount of figurative language,  for example when you said “ A storm brewed inside my stomach making the waves of acid inside rock and sway inside my organs. I gulped the air in huge intakes. I was shaking and the sweat I was producing trickled down my chin almost like a water gun in a small straight stream. The clear blue sky was slowly getting eaten by the light fluffy cloud, a nice summer breeze passed by and a whoosh echoed through my eardrum.” Like OMG, this is awesome I don’t know How to explain how great it is. Another strength in your memoir was how creative your words were. I felt like I was in the bleachers watching you play. I felt like i could read your thoughts. This was just awesome. I honestly cant think of a wish to give you this was just amazing i love it Saya!

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        One of your many strengths in this memoir was the amount of figurative language,  for example when you said “ A storm brewed inside my stomach making the waves of acid inside rock and sway inside my organs. I gulped the air in huge intakes. I was shaking and the sweat I was producing trickled down my chin almost like a water gun in a small straight stream. The clear blue sky was slowly getting eaten by the light fluffy cloud, a nice summer breeze passed by and a whoosh echoed through my eardrum.” Like OMG, this is awesome I don’t know How to explain how great it is. Another strength in your memoir was how creative your words were. I felt like I was in the bleachers watching you play. I felt like i could read your thoughts. This was just awesome. I honestly cant think of a wish to give you this was just amazing i love it Saya!

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You have many interesting words and I like how you talked about protein bars.

I like how you relate the other team to lions and you were like their prey.

You should have talked more about what was around you, the name of your team or the other team's name.

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I absolutely loved your memoir. It is honestly one of the best memoirs that I have ever read. I truly loved the sheer amount of figurative language. My favourite example though would have to be when you said, “I felt as if I drank 30 energy drinks and gobbled down 3 protein bars.” It gave an incredibly detailed picture on how much energy you had. Also, the description you had on things such as the temperature was absolutely stunning. But, my favourite description was when you said, “Although the summer sun was shining down on the sunny field I felt cold as ice cream.” However, I do wish that you included the beginning of the match. I’m left wondering what events led up to this moment.

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A strength I enjoyed from your memoir was how well you elaborated on each second throughout your moment. I was easily able to picture each person you described and the space around you due to your great description. I also loved the amount of figurative language  you included. I especially enjoyed the similes you included such as ‘the other team had the fiercest of looks like a glare and a stink eye mixed together’ or ‘then I came to a stop, a halt, like a deer in headlights’. However, I felt you could’ve added more onto your ending/lesson learned.

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I love how you explain your dislikes more further and elaborate on them. Another thing I loved is the many quotes you put. They were inspiring to me. One thing I might suggest is that you elaborate on golf. I don’t watch sports too much so maybe explain why and what you hate/love. I don’t seem to know what “putt” is exactly. I also think you could explain your hobbies some more like put one sentence after saying why it's your hobby. Otherwise it's amazing!

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saya i like your peace you where very descriptive in your writing and its very intresing. I like how explain about your read,like and dislikes it very good

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So first of all says I didn’t understand every minecraft thing you were talking about but I really love how well you described it. I mean you used a plot of details and just wow. Another thing I liked about your about me piece Saya was how funny you made it seem. It felt like you were talking to me, not me. I really enjoyed reading your story.However one thing you could do to fix your writing a bit was that your background was black and some works I couldn’t see so I was confused on what some parts were about. Otherwise I really enjoyed your writing  Saya

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Your ‘about me’ piece is great! I loved how much you elaborated on your likes and dislikes. You also used descriptive words throughout your piece. The only feedback I have for you is..

The punctuation. There were many areas that needed a comma.

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Something I loved about your piece was that you really explained why you liked what you liked, for example;”I also love writing especially fictional, historical or both. I find that if I do historical it's fun to research and find new people I might not have know about before.”You also did really well on creating a creative and catchy name , that name really hooked me and lead me to read your piece. Something I think you can improve on is changing the picture behind your “About me” piece. This is because in some areas it was kind