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Author Patrisse Kahn-Cullors and her book

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Author Patrisse Kahn-Cullors and her book

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The Power in Pain, the Pain Found in Change

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The Power in Pain, the Pain Found in Change

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You can have power without pain, but pain can also be a driving force to make a change. Change can be uncomfortable because we would rather keep our old familiar ways even if it cases us pain.  There comes a time when the pain we go through on a daily basis becomes overwhelming and difficult to handle and even though changing our ways will be difficult, or even painful, there is hope the change will not be as painful as the original pain.

As I am someone who struggles with mental illnesses, I have experienced both pain and power many times throughout my life. When you have for so long been engulfed in your unhealthy habits, or coping mechanisms, changing them can be absolutely terrifying because you know no other way of doing things. As I have started to get help and slowly reach out to resources, I have seen this to be incredibly true. I want to change and recover and learn how to healthily cope and love my body, but  there is still a part of me that wants to remain the same because I know the pain of changing can be more painful then remaining the same. Our old ways are rooted inside of us and will always be there even as we change. And even though you may understand the process of changing is painful, but the end result will be a great change, it’s painful to think about.

Painful change is important because the pain reminds us where we came from. Our painful experiences show us where we came from and show us how much we can handle.  Much like Patrisse’s pain had helped empower her and the Black Lives Matter Movement, our own struggles can help empower us. Painful change can also be revolutionary. I believe it always goes back to the idea that we hope the change will not be as tough as the original pain. Painful change in American has the power to bring communities who are suffering together in hopes to change this.  In the novel, When They Call You a Terrorist: A black Lives Matter Memoir, by authors Patrisse Kahn-Cullors and Asha Bandele connects ideas of pain and power through the presence of police, the experiences Patrisse’s brother had in the criminal justice system and through her family.

A large source of pain for Patrisse and her community came from the people that are supposed to be protecting them, the police. From a young age, it’s clear to her that the police are not there to help them, she is unclear of their role. She explains how they would never talk to them or guide them across the street. They are never friendly to her or the people in her community and it was very apparent to her that “not only are they (police) not our friends, but that they do not like us very much” (14).   On the day she witnesses her brothers she explains how she is “the little sister banished behind the broken black wrought iron gate that tires, but fails, to protect us from the outside world” (14). From behind this gate she watches her brothers and their friends, who are doing nothing wrong, get frisked by the police.  After this event, she watches ho no one discusses what had happened. This is something her community seems to be accustomed to doing because what is the point of talking about it if nothing seems to change for them?

A large part of power for Patrisse comes from within the community as well and this when the LA County Jail was being sued for torturing the inmates. She creates a unique art project expose and bring attention to the police violence that is happening inside the jail. She uses caution tape and prints out documentation of testimonies of the violence that occurred to the prisoners.  Her art piece inspired her to do more, to keep going. Her experiences empowered her to speak out because she wanted “no family to ever feel what we’ve felt” (164). Her art show encouraged her organization called Dignity and Power now, which will carry her and change the lives of many. Patrisse’s pain inspired her movement and it gave her power, power which will bleed onto others and empower communities to fight for change.

Watching Monte’s horrific maltreatment in the criminal justice system was incredibly painful for not only Monte himself, but his family and community as well. Patrisse discusses early in the book how her family was a large piece of her identity. Patrisse mentions how they “were raised to look out for each other from the very beginning” (13) for example her eldest brother Paul steps up to be a father figure when Alton is not around, but Patrisse’s and Monte had a deeper more sibling like relationship.  He is the one who plays with her, and picks her up from her dance classes. Monte had an enormous heart; he was the one who would out a baby bird back into its nest after it’s fallen out, the prison system stripped him of his innocence.  She watched her once soft, caring brother turn into a shell of his former self. She describes it as “a particular kind of evil, a specific sort of sadism, when someone forces you to be still and silent while the person you love is hurting” (122).  It takes numerous years for her to fully understand the pain her brother endured while in prison but as she begins to actually understand what he went through, she is able to begin to form the Black Lives Matter movement.

When Monte is released from prison in 2003 for the first time and he is completely changed.  He was hunched over and sent back on the bus with what seemed to be scraps of clothing. It was obvious he was not well taken care of and “clear that the prison ‘doctors’ did not stabilize Monte before he boarded the bus” (64).  Roughly four days later Monte is in a full-blown episode as he grows more erratic and his speech is inaudible.  Patrisse calls an ambulance but they immediately turn her down because “they will not come to help when they hear is background” (65).  Because he is a felon, they are told to call the police but Patrisse continues to beg them, which she shouldn’t have to do, until the hospital disconnects the line. After being basically forced to call the law enforcement, they arrive and are useless. It’s clear they are not looking out for his well-being or anyone else’s when Patrisse is discussing how Monte has been behaving and how he might reattack and they response “We’ll just taser him” (66).  If it wasn’t obvious by now that law enforcement offices are untrained to handle someone who is on the verge of a mental break, then it should be now. It isn’t only the police officers but also the entire law enforcement system as seen with Monte.

More and more often we are seeing people who are mentally ill thrown into the criminal justice system with their needs still going unaddressed. Individuals who are in jail, more often than not, do not receive treatment they may need for their mental illness or illnesses. Individual’s mental illness will likely get worse without treatment and after leavening prison, most individuals do not have access to their health care benefits. In summation, even when individuals are released from jail back into society, they have no supports or resources and often find themselves back in the criminal justice system.  We see this happen most often with people of color, specifically in the book, with Monte: “He's mentally ill, I respond, and I wonder why cops never seem to think that black people can have mental illnesses” (116).  The thing about mental illness, as a whole, is that it’s very tricky beaus it’s never just “a single diagnosis”. We learn Monte has schizoaffective disorder- which includes bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder has a whole set of ways of making you feel, as well as schizoaffective disorder. It’s both painful and exhausting. You don’t feel like yourself and, from experience, it’s terrifying and I can only empathize with what Monte was experiencing from my own experiences with my mental illnesses. And there are times when you are not in touch with your emotions and you are not in control and I believe police officers need to be more aware of mental illnesses when it comes to arresting individuals. There needs to be more screening so we can give help to those who need it before anything else.

The bond Patrisse has with her family, and the bond they all have with each other, is stronger than anything. It’s definitely not an under-statement to say Patrisse and her family struggled and suffered throughout their lives and upbringing, but they always stuck together. Even as Monte was getting worse and becoming more distant, both mentally and physically, their relationship was still strong. Even if the role of caretaking was reversed, they still deeply loved each other. As Monte’s mental health began to decline and get worse, Patrisse discusses how she and Monte “never need full sentences, wholly spoken thoughts, to communicate fully with one another” (156). This shows the magnitudes of their own personal bond; there love for each other runs deep. There were times where Patrisse could have given up on her brother, such as when he first came off the bus after coming home from prison the first times and he pushed her away. She stood by his side and along with the rest of her family, became Monte’s biggest advocate.

Patrisse’s mother is a huge example of power throughout the story. She proved time and time again that she did not need a man, or anyone, to help her with her life.  Patrisse’s mother could not rely on Alton so she had to rely on herself.  Patrisse’s mother cared deeply for Patrisse and her siblings; she didn’t always show her love with psychical touch, but she expressed her love though constantly working and providing for her children.  Patrisse mentions a few times throughout the story how her mother worked multiple jobs at a time to provide for her family. “Mommy is on her second job, whatever it is” (13). An outsider to Patrisse’s story may have seen her mother’s “absences” as a way of her saying she doesn’t love her children. This was quite the opposite because this was her mother showed love to her children. Although her mother wasn’t always around, she still loved them deeply.  She showed her love for her children by working a providing for them.

In today’s society, we could possibly say Patrisse’s family is “untraditional”, but in reality who are we to say what is traditional or untraditional. We already know her oldest brother stepped up to the plate and took care of the family as soon as Alton moved out. Growing up, she lived under a roof with a man who she thought was her father for most of her life until her mother let her in a big secret, that this man was not her father. Alton, the man she grew up with, is still considered to be her father even though he did not take part in biologically creating her. He still greatly influenced her life.  After finding out about Gabriel, she talks about how she went out to eat with Alton and how her “little shadow followed big shadow” (32). Through this we can tell their relationship was a parental-childlike relationship despite not being biologically connected.  She looked up to him and trusted him even when it was difficult for him to provide for the family. She still looked at him as a father. During this emotional meal, we are able to see the love Alton has for his daughter and the love she has for him. Alton tells her how he “never wanted you feel like you were half anything…like you weren’t mine” (32). Alton wanted to protect her and make her feel safe and welcomed and never different. He was her father and always would be one.  When she meets her “real” father, she is completely taken back when she sees him and left speechless because “they [we] are exactly alike” (33). She is in love with everyone he introduces her to in her “new family”. She begins spending time with her family on her father’s side and grows incredibly comfortable with them. Kahn-Cullors begins to see what she has missed out on without knowing her real father, without even knowing what she was missing. She begins to “look forward to things I’d never before consider, like Christmas, Thanksgiving and birthdays“(39).  These were things she had never thought to look forward to because they were not celebrated in her house with her mother. Patrisse becoming connected to her father’s family and to the world through being with them.

After reading When They Call You a Terrorist, my eyes have been open further. I was completely shocked by the amount of maltreatment of those in the criminal justice system, whether they have a mental illness or not. This is something I was already semi-aware of, but after reading and analyzing the book I am more aware to the mistreatment of people in the criminal justice system.  If society and communities can band together, we can change the pain experienced by those who are mentally ill and in the criminal justice system. My idea of Black Lives Matter is people bringing awareness to the violence that is occurring to their race because of their race. My thoughts about the movement have relatively stayed the same, but now I am more aware of what the movement is about and why it is so important. Pain and power play an important role within the Black Lives Matter movement considering the foundation of the movement was inspired by Patrisse and the pain she experienced and witnessed through her brother.  Through the book, we realizes and begin to understand that through pain, can come power and revolutionary change, no matter the circumstances.

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The ideas of pain and power are very prominent throughout the entire story. If anything, they are two of the biggest and most important themes throughout the story because both pain and power will be with us lifelong. Patrisse experiences both pain and power personally and through others.  Her family identity causes a large source of pain in her life, because she feels guilty. A large source of her pain is connected to her brother Monte and how he was/is treated in the criminal justice system. It was his pain, combined with her own personal pain, she felt empowered to help found the Black Lives Matter movement. It’s important to remember that we can use our pain, our struggles to become empowered and we can use that power to make a change.

Patrisse watching her brother Monte being treated unfairly and inhumanly in the criminal justice system caused a large amount of her pain. She watched her once soft, caring brother turn into a shell of his former self. She describes it as “a particular kind of evil, a specific sort of sadism, when someone forces you to be still in silent while person you love is hurting just beyond your reach and in ways that can never fully be measured” (122).  It takes numerous years for her to fully understand the pain her brother endured while in prison but as she begins to actually understand what he went through, she is able to begin to form the Black Lives Matter movement.

Patrisse’s pain also came from her own identity. Until she was around twelve, she had no contact with her “real”, biological father. As she began to send more time with Gabriel, she began to feel guilty for spending so much time with them and she begins to realize that by spending time with her father and his family, she’s now looking forward to holidays and birthdays.  Patrisse says how when she is spending time with her father’s family she wonders “what that feels like, to watch me disappear each weekend with my found father” (39). Her feelings have her torn between her two families. Another source of pain that comes from her identity is her sexual identity. Her struggles with her own sexual identity inspired her to get involved with the Strategy Center. Growing up, she had found there were no supports for young women who were growing up Queer. Being unsure of our sexual identity can cause many different struggles and pain as you continue to grow.  And she embraces her sexual orientation and realizes the “harshest of ways to be young and Queer: You can do nothing wrong whatsoever, you can just be alive and yourself, and that is enough to have the whole of your life smashed to the ground and swept away” (77).  She understands what it means to be Queer, and she fully embraces it despite any challenges she faced growing up. Even in her future when she and Mark Anthony were together, she still struggled with her sexual identity; she was confused on why she loved a man. Through the community she formed at the Strategy Center and through the support of her friends, she was able to work on her sexual identity struggles.

One big way we see power throughout the novel is when the LA County Jail was being sued for torturing the inmates.  She uses her art skills to show the world what is happening.  She uses caution tape and prints out documentation of testimonies of the violence that occurred to the prisoners.  Her art piece inspired her to do more, to keep going. Her experiences empowered her to speak out because she wanted “no family to ever feel what we’ve felt” (164). Her art show encouraged her organization called Dignity and Power now, which will carry her and change the lives of many. Patrisse’s pain inspired her movement and it gave her power, power which will bleed onto others and empower communities to fight for change.

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One of the most prominent themes in when they call you a terrorist is the theme of family. From the beginning of the book, we can see how family is important to the author and how family is considered to be part of her identity. Patrisse Kahn-Cullors discusses how when her mother was not around, it was her brothers and sister who took care of each other. “We’ve each other madly, my brothers sister and I and we are raised to look out for each other from the very beginning” (13). She discusses how her mother was an important part of her life too, as well as both of her fathers.

In the theme of family, I noticed a theme of fatherhood as well, specifically in the roles of her brother Paul, and how important this is in the Kahn-Cullors life. So far, we can see she does not a have the typical “stable” father figure in her life. Her oldest brother Paul seems to take be the one who keeps the house in order with more of the day to day routine. Kahn-Cullors discusses how “it was Paul who gets us ready, tells us to brush our teeth” (12). He picks up responsibility after Alton moves out, almost as if he is picking up a few roles of fatherhood.  Paul also cooks for them and makes sure everyone gets into bed on time. His responsibility shows how much he loves his family and it also reveals to us how close the family was despite having times of struggle. During these times of struggle, the family would always try their best to stick together and overcome any arguments to get through them.

In today’s society, we could possibly say Patrisse’s is “untraditional”, but in reality who are we to say what is traditional or untraditional. We already know her oldest brother stepped up to the plate and took care of the family as soon as Alton moved out. Growing up, she lived under a roof with a man who she thought was her father for most of her life until her mother let her in a big secret, that this man was not her father. Alton, the man she grew up with, is still considered to be her father even though he did not take part in biologically creating her. He still greatly influenced her life.  After finding out about Gabriel, she talks about how she went out to eat with Alton and how her “little shadow followed big shadow” (32). Through this we can tell their relationship was a parental-childlike relationship despite not being biologically connected.  She looked up to him and trusted him even when it was difficult for him to provide for the family. She still looked at him as a father. During this emotional meal, we are able to see the love Alton has for his daughter and the love she has for him. Alton tells her how he “never wanted you feel like you were half anything…like you weren’t mine” (32). Alton wanted to protect her and make her feel safe and welcomed and never different. He was her father and always would be one.

Another important piece of Kahn-Cullors family identity is when she meets her “real” father. She is completely taken back when she sees him and “left speechless because “we are exactly alike” (33). She is in love with everyone he introduces her to in her “new family”. She begins spending time with her family on her father’s side and grows incredibly comfortable with them. Kahn-Cullors begins to see what she has missed out on without knowing her real father, without even knowing what she was missing. She begins to “look forward to things I’d never before consider, like Christmas, Thanksgiving and birthdays“(39).  These were things she had never thought to look forward to because they were not celebrated in her house with her mother. Kahn-Cullors is becoming connected to her father’s family and to the world through being with them.

Towards the end of part one, we see Gabriel begin to struggle with his health and then at the very end we learn he passes away. So far this affects Kahn-Cullors immensely because she is losing a huge part of her life and family, and maybe even a part of her identity with Gabriel’s death. The themes of family and fatherhood, as well as the death of her biological father leave me wondering how much this will influence her later in life. We already know how much Gabriel means to her, but I wonder if his death is one of the big influences, in Kahn-Cullors in helping found the Black Lives Matter Movement

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" At this time, the pain to remain the same outweighed the pain to change" ~ Erykah Badu in Black Power Mixtape

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" At this time, the pain to remain the same outweighed the pain to change" ~ Erykah Badu in Black Power Mixtape

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Pain & Power: For society, change in uncomfortable. We would rather keep our old ways even if they are painful because we are so familiar to them. Even though this is thought to be true, there comes a time when the pain we go through on a daily Basis and even though changing our ways will be difficult, or even painful, there is hope the change will not be as painful as the original pain.